Home Improvement s06e09 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man.
" You know this guy sitting next to me.
It's Al Borland.
I'd like to continue our week-long salute to customizing your car.
Now, if you'll notice, Tim is wearing a very unique jacket.
If you'd like to take a turn Thursday night at a banquet up in Saginaw, the Tri-City Hot Rodders Club is giving Tim one of their most prestigious awards, Car Guy of the Year.
I'm not the kind of guy that likes to brag.
Aw, heck.
Yes, I am.
I do significant things for the auto community.
The Hot Rodders Club is honoring Tim for raising car consciousness.
I like to build my hot rods right here on Tool Time.
It's my way of giving something back.
It's also your way of getting Binford to pay for the parts.
And getting free labor from me.
It's gonna be a great evening.
Car guys from all over are gonna be joining us.
Proceeds from ticket sales will go right to charity.
Right.
I want to take this opportunity to thank you, Al, for purchasing that $500 Gold Circle Seat.
I didn't buy the Gold Circle Seat.
It's being deducted from your paycheck.
All right.
Getting back to the show, we'll be talking about car interiors.
That's right.
Door panels, dashboards, carpets.
Now, of course, the car seat is a large part of the interior.
In Al's case, the seat is a large part of the exterior.
And here to tell us everything about car interiors is the president of the Tri-City Hot Rodders Club, - George "Sparky" Henderson! - Bring him on out here! Thank you, Tim.
Thank you, guys.
- Thank you.
- Always nice to have you on the show.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Tim.
And Al, I want to really thank you for buying that Gold Circle Seat for the banquet.
We never sold one of those before.
Well, actually, I didn't Sparky owns one of Michigan's hot rod detail shops - that specializes in interiors.
- He's an expert upholsterer.
Well, if I may say so myself, I'm pretty nimble with a thimble.
- And you just did.
- Thank you, Tim.
What we're doing is something unusual.
This is five-time award-winning hot rod, "The Road Rat.
" - We're gonna reupholster.
- Beauty.
All right, what color seat would go with this car? Wrong question here.
What we want to ask ourselves - is how we coordinate all of the color.
- You gotta think tones and tints, compromising, contrasting, complementary colors.
- Think that way.
- What color seat would go - with this purple car? - No, see, that's not a purple car, Al.
This is fuchsia.
Cream matches up very well with fuchsia, wouldn't you say? How about taupe? It would make the bills pop out of the dashboard.
Taupe, taupe, taupe.
Yes.
Very subtle, very simple.
Yes.
- Well, what about black? - Boring! - Unless it's a satin black.
- Oh, satin black.
All right.
He was thinking that.
Or matte.
You know the color I want to deal with with this car? We were at the Vegas show? The hottest color at the Vegas show? Periwinkle! Oh! We'll be back after words from Binford: tools for men who talk like men.
All right! Hole in one! - Hey, guys.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- I told you guys no golf in the house.
At least not until I get the water hazard put in.
- The mail come? - Yeah.
Any RSVPs for my awards banquet? - You got a whole bunch there.
- I only reserved two tables.
Should've known everybody would pay respects to Car Guy of the Year.
"Unable to attend.
" "Watching TV that night.
" "Call me when you get an Emmy.
" "Don't hold your breath.
" This is terrible.
- What's the matter? - No one wants to come to my banquet.
So far, the only "yeses" are us, Wilson, Al, Heidi and the boys.
The boys are a "no.
" It's a school night.
I'm being crowned Car Guy of the Year.
Yeah.
And we want to honor our father.
I'd love for you guys to go.
We're not gonna get back till 3:00.
You have to go to school.
Well, we want to honor our father so much, we'd be willing to miss school.
I'd be willing to honor him all week.
She's right.
It's too late for you guys.
You know that.
What's with excuses? No one wants to show.
Honey, you can't expect people to drive two hours each way.
That's four hours in a car on a weeknight.
I'd spend four hours in a car on a weeknight.
If it had a bathroom, you'd live in your car.
There's nothing like a quality cover to keep your classic car in classic shape.
- Good show, Al.
- Thank you.
When you fold this, put it in the back? Well, are you sure you've got any room left after all the other free Binford car products you got? It's just a few perks for getting that award I won again.
What is it again? Car Guy of the Year.
Hey, everybody! If you want to go to a banquet to pay your respects to The Tool Man, speak up.
They're going fast.
I only got a few left.
Sorry, Tim.
I've gotta rearrange my sock drawer.
That's great.
So out of 36 seats, how many have you got filled? - A lot.
- Yeah? A bunch, you know.
Some.
Six.
- Five.
- Five? Four.
Scott's out of town.
And I'm not driving up without him.
Doesn't matter if your husband can go.
You're The Tool Girl.
- You can go with Jill and me.
- I don't know.
I get tired early these days.
Oh, yeah.
I get it.
The pregnancy thing cropping up again.
Yeah.
First you couldn't load those sacks of cement yesterday, and now this.
You don't want to pay respects to the boss who helped remodel your kitchen? You set my kitchen on fire.
The boss who gave you medical insurance, gave you Al's parking spot.
- OK, OK.
I'll go.
- That's the spirit! Drivers at a standstill on the I-75 where a tractor-trailer overturned, spilling its load of strawberry preserves.
Well, that's what you call a real traffic jam.
See my side splitting with that kind of humor? It splits right there.
Look at my spleen.
Take a look at it.
If I don't get to the banquet, I won't accept my award.
Honey, we're in the middle of an interstate.
There's no way out.
When I'm behind the wheel, there's always a way out.
We can take the shoulder, all right? Go down that gravel embankment.
That's a riverbed.
We can follow that.
There's a storm tunnel.
We can get through.
Home free! - You can't do that! - This car can do it! What about the pregnant woman in the back? She'll never notice.
Whoa! I can't believe you drove through that field.
That poor cow.
I had no idea they could jump that high.
Did you? Heidi.
- How are you feeling? - Better than that cow.
If you want to lay down, there's a pillow over there.
Thanks, Tim.
That was really thoughtful of you.
He just doesn't want you to drool on his car-club jacket.
Oh.
It's 20 to eight.
We're gonna miss the film tribute.
- Film tribute? - Yeah, it's great.
Tim Taylor: He's Got Gas in his Veins.
It's not the only place.
No, no, no, no! - What's the matter? - I don't know! I got a good idea.
Hear that hollow sound? That's the gas tank.
We got no gas.
- The gauge says full.
- The gauge is wrong.
When is the last time you put gas in? Mileage-wise? I don't know.
I don't pay attention to mileage.
I just watch the gauge.
- You can never trust a gas gauge! - Well, I guess I know that now! Do you realize how embarrassing this is for me? The guy with gas in his veins has got no gas in his car! Where are you going? There's a station two miles back.
I'm gonna go get gas.
- What's the stick for? - Protection! In case that guernsey wakes up.
So, uh, where's the man of the hour? - I have no idea.
- I hope everything's all right.
Well, he'd better get here soon.
The muffler guys are already exhausted.
- Maybe that's him.
- All right.
Hello? Tim? - Hey, Al.
- Tim, where are you? Tell him people are impatient.
The transmission guys are shifting in their seats.
- Um, I had a little car trouble.
- They had car trouble.
The Car Guy of the Year had car trouble? What kind of car trouble? Uh, Sparky wants to know what kind of car trouble.
- Is he right next to you? - Yes, he is.
We hit a deer! They hit a deer! - Is everyone all right? - Yeah.
Everyone's all right.
Uh, the deer's a little shaken up.
- Everyone's OK.
- I hit a deer once.
Made a beautiful seat cover.
- Let me speak to him.
- Tim, just a second.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
I'm sorry about that deer.
But I do have some very good animal first-aid tips.
If it's too late for that, I have a very tasty recipe for venison.
The deer is resting.
We're gonna be there as soon as we can.
Just give them that message.
OK? Thank you, Wilson.
The deer's dead, isn't it? You can tell me.
Nah.
Um, no That Boy, you you look familiar.
Did you ever work at the Aupine Airport? No.
That's my brother Fred.
I'm Ned, the nice one.
- Can I use your restroom? - Not a chance.
- Customers only.
- I am a customer.
- I'm gonna buy some gas from you.
- Good.
After you pay, we can talk about the restroom.
- Fred let me use his restroom.
- Fred's a fool.
Well, see, I ran out of gas about two miles back, and I'll need some gas and maybe a little gas can.
Well, we like to take good care of our customers.
- Thanks.
I'll be right back.
- There's a $150 deposit.
$150 deposit? We can't have people running off with our gas cans.
Is that a big problem, Ned? No.
Who'd give up $150 for a gas can? Uh Do you take a credit card, Ned? No.
But we've been thinking about it.
I might need a lift to my car if it's OK.
Well, I could give you one.
But we might suddenly get busy.
And I might suddenly become a ballet dancer.
Forget it, pal.
You don't have the legs.
- Can I use the restroom now? - Yeah.
It's over there.
Unfortunately, it's out of order.
You might've mentioned that to me before.
Why? You weren't a customer then.
- I hope Tim gets back soon.
- Yeah.
I'm cold.
- I'll get you a blanket.
- Now I'm hot.
Well, I'll open a window.
No.
Wait a minute.
Now I'm not hot and I'm not cold.
So you're comfortable? Oh, I just had a contraction.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No! - Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God! I'm back! I got the gas! We should be at the banquet in about 25 minutes.
When we get there, look like we hit a deer.
All right? - Tim, guess what? - What? - Heidi's having contractions! - Contractions? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
About 45 minutes.
Are you telling me she might miss the banquet? I'm saying forget about the banquet! She's having a baby! We have to get to the hospital.
Oh! Do quick inhales, steady exhale.
Just like they taught you in Lamaze.
They didn't say it would hurt.
Oh, they never do.
Otherwise, nobody would ever have children.
Ah.
Hello.
I hope you enjoyed the gas.
No time for chitchat.
I have a pregnant woman.
Right next to the deer? - There is no deer! - Then maybe there's no pregnant woman.
Deer killer! She's in too much pain to drive further.
- Oh, boy! - We've got to get to a hospital.
Hospital's pretty far away.
You'd be better off calling Doc Vandergriff.
- Is he an obstetrician? - The best.
He delivered me.
- How old is he? - I'm not sure.
But he's very inexpensive.
He hasn't raised his prices since Prohibition.
I'm calling the hospital.
- I gotta use the restroom.
- It's out of order.
Not the ladies' room.
- You have a ladies' room? - Oh, yes.
It's lovely.
We just put in a skylight.
- Where is it? - In the ceiling.
No, no.
It's right through there.
And we'd also like to thank the folks at Saginaw Cheese for their mag wheels of cheddar.
Saginaw Cheese: cheese, it's good.
- Hello? - Hey, Al.
Heidi went into labor.
She joined a union? No.
She's having her baby.
We're at a gas station waiting for an ambulance.
We're not gonna make it.
That first takes forever to be born.
Oh, my God! That's it.
This baby is coming.
It's coming?! The ambulance isn't here.
You're the mother.
Tell it to stop.
Tell it to stop.
We have to get her up on this desk.
Clear it off.
Give me those cushions.
Both.
Put them under her.
Do you need some help up, hon? I guess this would be a bad time to ask you for my gas can.
- You think? - I'll get it.
- Al, what is happening? - The baby's coming.
Don't worry, honey.
Everything is fine.
- We have everything - under control.
- What do we do? - You had three boys.
You should know.
Excuse me.
If you remember, I was in a teensy bit of pain at the time.
All I remember is a lot of screaming and whatever sounds you were making.
Wait a minute! Wilson can help! Wilson's a trained midwife! Ah! - Al, put Wilson on the phone.
- Just a second.
Yes.
Jill, I hear there's movement afoot in the birth canal.
The contractions are coming fast.
What do we do? Now, just relax.
You know Lamaze.
You can be Heidi's coach.
- Let's have Tim be the receiver.
- Great idea! OK.
OK.
Deep cleansing breath in.
Chin down on the chest.
- Got it! Got it! Got it! - Not you! I'm the coach.
You're the receiver.
Great! What am I receiving? Hello! - OK, Heidi? - Yeah? Tim, get on the phone! Do everything Wilson says.
OK! Go ahead, Wilson! I'm here! I can't hear you! Come on! Now, Heidi, you're gonna push on the contractions.
- OK.
- Rest in between.
Wilson, I don't think I can do this.
I know you can, Tim.
I'm reminded of the English novelist George Eliot who says, "Necessity does the work of courage.
" He's not looking at a head coming out of a cervix! Oh, my God! The baby's coming! Heidi, push! Are you sure it's the head? I think so.
It's got a nose on it.
Stroke down the sides of the nose slowly.
- This will help expel the fluid.
- OK.
He's got a real snoutfull on this! I'll tell you that! Honey, you're doing great.
All right now, Tim, hold the baby's head gently in both hands.
Press down slightly.
Tell Heidi to push.
- Heidi, you gotta push.
- Heidi, push.
Push! Push! Push! - I got a shoulder! - They've got a shoulder.
Is it a boy or a girl? Usually you can't tell by the shoulders.
Now, Tim! Tim, when the second shoulder is free, the rest of the baby should slide out easily.
OK! OK! I got the other shoulder! Push.
It's coming! Whoa! We got a baby! We have a baby! Oh! What is it? Didn't you hear? It's a baby! It's a little girl.
It's a girl! Looks just like Winston Churchill! We have a girl! Now, Tim, Tim, this is very important.
Find something soft and warm and wrap the baby in it.
Gotta find something soft and warm.
Soft and warm.
I gotta find something soft Soft and warm! - Shh - Here, here.
Put this around her.
OK? OK.
Congratulations, Heidi.
Oh, there she is.
Tim, that's so sweet.
You gave my baby your jacket.
"Lent" your baby.
- Look at her.
- Look at her! Ned, the girls are in the ambulance.
The baby's safe.
- I think it's time to say goodbye.
- Not so fast.
Under these circumstances, you've got to have a cigar.
Hey! Don't mind if I Do I have to pay $150 deposit on this? No, no, no.
It's on me.
This is a time of celebration.
You're right.
A healthy baby right here in the gas station.
I'm sorry, sir.
There's no smoking here.
Hi, sweetie.
She's so precious.
Look at her.
No, no, no.
It's on me.
This is a time of celebration.
You bet it is, buddy.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
There's no smoking here.
We're sitting on thousands of gallons of gasoline.
- I'll smoke wherever I want to smoke.
- I'm warning you don't strike that match! Don't Whoo! Now, that's refreshing!