Modern Family s06e09 Episode Script
Strangers in the Night
Look what someone left in our mailbox -- again.
Wait, that's like our fifth one, isn't it? It's getting kind of creepy.
Oh, relax -- it's probably just from Victor, that flower-delivery guy I dated.
Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Oh, because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex-con.
Hey, maybe it's Dylan trying to win you back.
So, Victor -- it's a closed door? Maybe it's not a guy who's in love with Haley.
Oh, thank you.
Maybe it's a guy who's obsessed with Haley and is getting plastic surgery to look like her so he can replace her and live her life.
Luke.
So they can only be for Haley? Of course not.
Haley isn't the only hottie living here.
I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day.
I definitely felt eyes on me.
Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me? - What do you mean? - I mean, like, from my boyfriend.
What? You have a boyfriend? And you thought my thing was crazy.
Alex, you have a boyfriend? You can't just drop that and leave.
Honey, it is so exciting.
Why didn't you tell us? Because I knew you'd get all weird and ask a million stupid questions.
What does he look like? How did you meet him? Okay, I'll show you a photo.
Well, I would, but now my phone's not working.
Oh, here he is.
In the supermarket flyer? That's him pondering the pork chops? What's to ponder? They're $4.
59 a pound.
I don't understand.
Why is he in this? He's a model, mom.
Oh, wait, wait.
Your boyfriend's a model? Well, how did you meet him? There's not much crossover for a national honor society student and a pork model.
Well, actually it's a really long story.
I Oh, well -- it's him.
Hey, hold on.
This is terrific news.
I can't believe she didn't tell us about him.
Oh, that's what you can't believe? What do you mean? Phil, it is a little weird.
I mean, suddenly she has this boyfriend.
She wants to show us a picture on her phone, but she can't, and magically he's in today's paper? I don't even want to say it.
Haley.
She's making it up.
Why would she do that? Maybe she's upset that none of us thought those roses could be for her.
Oh, and remember when she couldn't get a date for homecoming? She said she didn't care, but I caught her crying in her room.
Oh, honey, what did you say to her? Oh, I-I was super late, so I didn't really This is sad.
Alex has great news and her own mother and sister don't believe her? I want to.
Well, I do believe her.
I'm gonna tell her to invite this boyfriend over for dinner, and I'll be serving a big, old platter of "I told you so.
" Oh, great.
Maybe you could also serve unicorn burgers and magic beans, and I'll invite my boyfriend, Bigfoot! Still better than Dylan.
Okay.
I got a surprise for you.
It better not be another baby.
Is there something fun behind the couch? An Edgar Vanderkoff hand-crafted blanc de blanc sofa.
It was a wedding gift to ourselves.
Plus, we're showing Lily that we trust her enough to let us have one nice thing.
When you think about it like that, - it's really a gift for Lily.
- Yeah.
Okay, whoa.
We only get on this couch when we know we're not dirty.
That's why we got her the couch.
To teach her about respect.
Legs a little wider please.
Is that a cookie in your back pocket? - Yep.
- Okay.
Bup-up-up! Hey, nice and slow.
Watching that.
But now that I got you here, what do you think? That you wore cargo shorts to my middle-school graduation, but you're putting on a bow tie for some dog's birthday party.
It's all good fun.
The Birnbaums can't have kids.
They like to do it up big for Buster.
I had my fifth birthday in a break room of a Der Wienerschnitzel, but good for Buster.
Why are you so cranky? This kid at school ripped me off for 40 bucks in a pyramid scheme.
Did this have something to do with that broken plastic pyramid on your dresser? It looked like marble in the picture.
Oh, man.
Where were you when I was growing up? I'd have had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Where'd you go to school -- "guys and dolls"? Bright as you are, you got to smarten up.
You got to be more suspicious of people.
Stop being such a patsy.
How is this for the party? It's my first time meeting your dog-park friends.
Fantastic, but be careful -- some of these guys are single in the group.
What a surprise.
Manny, we won't be late.
I left dinner for you and Joe, but don't eat the deviled eggs that are in the refrigerator because they're for tomorrow's picnic.
What picnic -- somebody's cat going to college? No, some of Gloria's friends are getting their green cards.
It's actually a nice group.
Yes, they're very decent, hardworking people.
Jay met them at Mirabelle's fake wedding.
Zooboo! No, you've already watched "Zooboo" six times today.
We're gonna watch a classic movie right here on the big screen.
You better let him watch his show.
If not, he's gonna freak out.
Yesterday I turned it off, and he bit through one of the pool balls.
Hey, Mitchell.
Hi, uh, um B Renda.
Yes, you thought I wasn't gonna remember, didn't you? So, how's your first week been? I'm getting a divorce.
Oh.
God.
Um well, I did ask, so It's really hard to be alone, you know? Yeah.
Hey, you know who else who stays late is, um, Stacey.
- 14 months.
- Oh, gosh.
Well, sometimes it's good to get in and out fast, though, huh? We haven't had sex in 14 months.
We were married 20 years.
Well, that's a nice, round number.
Yeah.
My restless leg syndrome, like that's a reason to leave? Well, you know, everybody has -- especially after all his habits and requests! God! I've done more paddling than Lewis and Clark! Hey, Stace, you out there? Oh, she's gone.
People leave.
Well, you know, i-if there's anything that I can do to help you -- Could I stay with you? What's that? So, Larry's allowed to sit on the couch and I'm not? Well, Larry is white.
Hey, you chose me.
Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.
- Hello? - Hey, Cam.
So, listen, you remember my -- my new friend at work Brenda, right? Who? That's right -- the pretty one.
Uh, so, she and her husband are -- are going through some problems at home, and she was wondering if she might be able to stay at our house.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes, of course.
Oh, shoot and darn it! I thought we had something.
Mitchell, I know what you're doing.
Ahh, there's no way we can reschedule, huh? Fight your instincts.
This is a chance for you to show some real compassion.
- I need a Zoloft.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, I agree with all that, but I -- I am being nice! Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.
I-I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.
But I -- I didn't mean it.
Nobody ever means it.
Mitchell, you want this growth in your life.
That's why you asked her.
You're just scared.
No, no, it was a completely hollow offer and -- yeah, that -- that's right.
Okay, George and Wendy Hollowoffer.
Dinner at 7:30.
Okay, bye-bye.
You need this, and I need something nice to write about you in our Christmas letter.
I love you, too.
Goodbye.
So bad news, huh? Well, only if you hate home cooking.
- You're the best! - So -- I think you got some of my Zoloft.
That's okay.
I could use it.
Bark Mitzvah -- what a concept.
Beagles and lox, dog briskets.
Whoever's in charge of the wordplay, bravo.
Is this for dogs or for people? I hope it's for people.
I've had four of them.
- Are you having fun? - Ay, yes.
Before today, I had never seen a gravy fountain.
Oh, Gumdrop, look! Stella's here! Everybody, let's get a picture.
Pupparazzi! How great is that? Everybody squeeze in.
Be careful of her cysts.
She'll nip you.
O-okay.
Okay, one more.
Doodles blinked.
Now, really get tight this time.
No! No, no, no! - Enough.
Enough.
- Oh, Gloria -- Gloria.
Gloria, honey, I -- listen.
I-I know you're not a dog person.
No, I'm okay with the dogs.
I'm just not a dog-person person.
You said that this party was going to be normal.
It's just fun.
There's a buffet and an open bar for dogs.
My cousin got married on a raft.
I tried to play along, Jay, but -- but this is crazy.
I have to go home.
Gloria, now, do you think it's fair to use the word "crazy" about a -- I-I'll see you at home, Gloria.
Oh, thank you so much, you guys.
God, where were you when I was looking for the perfect man? Well, probably in Missouri at a bar called Kansas City Meats - doing the same thing.
- Funny! - Look at that smile.
- What? That's what being nice feels like.
- I like it.
- I'm proud of you.
Well, I'm just letting a person I barely know sleep in my home.
I don't know if I'd use the word "hero," but "Hero"? Stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
Oh, god.
Hey, you guys have a cat? Um, how about I freshen up that wine, huh? - Oh, no.
I am good.
- Okay, um In fact, Cam, what are -- what are we doing in the living room, here? You know? Yeah, oh, you know what? We haven't even given Brenda a tour of our Ga-- uh, garage.
- Our -- - Our garage.
Oh, no.
I don't like garages.
That's where Doug kept his precious sailboat.
No eating on the boat.
No drinking on the boat.
All because the one time I went on the boat, I spilled.
- Well, guess what.
Boats go like this.
- Oh, geez.
You know?! And I'm like Who -- who loves a thing more than a person? A monster.
Have we shown you our shed? There's a shed.
He knew what he was getting into when he married me.
I'm a little messy.
Well, guess what, Doug! Life's a little messy.
Okay, my sinuses leak, my -- my ears run, and I have hyperactive sweat glands, but You know what? I do need a refill.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not surprised.
She's losing a lot of fluids.
- It's as if Doug was over here.
- I know.
I saw that.
Alec! His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa to operate on some dumb babies.
So fixing their hearts is worth breaking mine? It's kind of worth it.
He can do like six operations a day.
Yeah.
I-I-I understand.
I'm sorry I'm lashing out.
I-I just really like you.
I still like you.
You're making this worse.
Bye, Alec.
Bye, Alex.
I knew you couldn't leave without one last kiss! We can work this out! I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonna regret that, aren't I? Uh, I was hoping you could throw this away for me.
Yeah.
Sure.
So, honey, we've been talking, and we want to meet your boyfriend.
You just missed him.
He was here? He just left.
This is his cup.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, it looks like "Alex.
" His name is Alec.
The "C" just got smudged.
Honey, his name is Alec.
But the "C" got smudged.
Yeah, um, well, why don't you just text him and then invite him back for dinner? I can't.
He broke up with me.
Oh, no.
He's moving to Africa.
Because they need grocery models in Africa.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
They broke up.
I miss him.
Oh, don't worry.
Soon it will be like he never existed.
Okay.
Ay Dios mÃo, Manny.
What's going on with Joe? He's a drug addict.
After two hours of mind-liquefying "Zooboo," I briefly put on a classic movie, and he freaked out.
If he could walk better, I'd seriously suggest a 12-step program.
Ay, no, Joe.
No more "Zooboo.
" Thank you.
Ay, no.
Turn the big TV off.
If he sees it on, he's going to want to watch his show.
Why are you home? Buster's party was a Bark Mitzvah.
I don't know why Jay would take me to this place.
I don't know.
Maybe this dog stuff is his way of trying to find a common interest with you.
It's hard.
You don't like golf or scotch or Eisenhower documentaries.
It's true.
I don't like Ike.
But the people in this party, they are so obsessed with dogs.
Even the punch bowl was in the shape of a toilet.
Well, it's not like Jay doesn't get out of his comfort zone for you.
He's going to your green-card picnic tomorrow.
You're right.
He even bought star-spangled sombreros for everybody.
It's the wrong country.
He never listens, but -- but he's sweet.
You know what? I should go back to that party.
You guys want to come? Might as well.
They had a pretty good spread at Buster's bris.
Okay, let's get this woman into bed and, in the morning, out of the house as fast as we can.
Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Probably without those hand gestures.
So, nice bath? Oh, yeah, the best.
I'm so ready for bed.
Okay.
Ooh, by the way, I left a ring in there.
Oh, well, we'll get at it with some bleach in the morning.
No, no, no, my wedding ring.
I just don't feel like wearing it anymore.
Oh, well, goodbye, bad memories, hello to our guest couch, the cloud.
That's a small cloud.
Oh, you know what? It's deceptively comfy.
- I sleep on it all the time.
- Oh.
- Yeah, if I don't beat him to it first.
- Really? Oh, okay.
All right.
So, there you are.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
I'm not -- I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna work.
No, no, this will be fine.
This will be fine.
This is what I always do.
It's not a big deal.
Just make this up nice for you.
There we go.
Okay.
See you in the morning.
Yeah, but my -- my head's -- - Oh.
- What we were thinking? - Here.
Come on.
- There it is right there.
- There you go.
Okay.
Night-night.
- Night-night.
Hey, guys.
Here's an idea.
What if I just slept on your couch in the living room? I'm shaking.
Why? Problem solved.
No, she's making the whole house shake.
Hey, guys.
You're back? What's going on? I'm sorry.
I love you, and you love dog parties.
So that means that I love dog parties.
You don't think it's crazy anymore? I didn't say that.
But Manny's right.
We should get more involved in each other's activities.
So, this was your idea? Well, it's sort of the foundation of any healthy marriage, but I did bring it up.
This is great! Well, come on.
Give me a hand.
We'll grab you and your mom an ice-cream bone.
I didn't do much.
I just -- Ruined my plan, that's all.
I wanted her to leave! What? She was supposed to storm out of here.
And after, I go home and say, "maybe we should do some things separately.
" I was gonna use her bailing out of this as a chip to get out of that stupid picnic tomorrow.
But now I've got no chip.
Hey, how about next time you devise a plan to avoid expressing a feeling, clue me in.
You can't be clued in.
You're a patsy.
Hey, um, there was talk of an ice-cream bone? I made that up, too.
Use your head! Hey, honey, you alone? Do you see anyone else in here? Do you? Sweetheart, your father and I think we owe you an apology.
For what? Well, this morning when we didn't think the rose could be for you, it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
I guess.
A little.
I am so sorry to make you feel bad.
And it is completely believable that you would have an admirer.
Okay.
What we're worried about is that we have created an environment in which you feel it's necessary to - Embelli-- - Fanta-- - Exagger-- - Oh, my god.
You guys don't think Alec is real? Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit in in high school.
So do I.
And whether you try to fit in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend You guys are so unbelievable.
You really think I'm that pathetic that I'd have to create some imaginary boyfriend? You know what's not imaginary? Your feelings.
Okay, don't! don't! F.
Y.
I.
, I changed my Facebook status to "single" about an hour ago, and guess what.
I already have a date.
You don't believe me, do you? Sweetheart, you've had two boyfriends in 30 seconds.
That practically Haley's record.
Well, he's real.
His name is Teddy.
His name is Teddy? Yeah.
Teddy Keyes.
And what do we know about this young man? He's new to our school.
He works at some mattress store -- Mattress King.
And he's a bit of a bad boy.
He had a little problem with shoplifting.
He spent some time in juvie.
But, you know, he's not really my type.
He's just a rebound.
So I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why am I even talking to you guys? Leave! Get out! Did you see the look in her eyes? Like she believed everything she was saying.
That's terrifying.
Like this guy I knew in college.
He was always telling me about these "crazy parties" that were "full of women.
" But when I'd ask him where they were, he'd give me a fake address.
Makes me wonder what else she's making up.
I have never met that girl she tutors in math.
Esther Choi? Me neither.
Because she doesn't exist! There is not an Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.
She needs help, Claire.
What do we do? I mean, should we send her back to that therapist? The one we've never met? No! Wait! Don't open it! Move away! It's for me! Move! Damn.
You look hot.
The roses are from you, Teddy? Yeah, I met a guy in juvie who works at the cemetery.
They got flowers all over the place.
Oh, I also got you this.
Sweet.
Let's go.
My other one of these cracked, so you can use this one.
Okay.
Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy! Teddy's real! - Real freaky! - I'm going! Cam, you're snoring.
What? Sorry.
Was that me? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What is she doing out here? - Well she has that restless leg.
- Both of them? Oh, my gosh, get the ice cream! What do we do? Should we wake her up? And say what? "Would you mind terribly getting off our couch? You seem to be glazing it.
" Do you have a better idea? Okay, okay, go around the back.
What am I doing? What am I doing? We'll get this underneath her.
Once, I helped a sow give birth to nine baby piglets on our living room floor.
Didn't get a drop of nothin' on the linoleum.
We're gonna get back to why the sow was in the living room.
Lady Di's wedding.
It was beautiful.
Cam, she's gonna wake up.
Oh, please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.
Roll! Doug, no, I don't wanna.
Okay, okay, what do I do? What do I do? You come back around this way.
No, Doug.
Now, what we're gonna do is I'll push her this way and pull the blanket.
- Okay, I got to pull her? - Okay.
I'm losing her.
I'm losing her.
This could work, too.
It's fine.
What -- what happened? You were having a really bad dream, and then you rolled right off of our uncomfortable sofa.
I'm sorry.
I-I was lonely.
I came out here, and then I wound up waking up the whole house.
I'm the worst houseguest in the world! - Don't.
- Don't.
Doug was right.
I'm gonna die alone.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Okay, come on.
Can you please be quiet? I'm so sorry, Lily.
It's all my fault.
My head hurts.
- I'm gonna get you some aspirin.
- Okay.
Cam, are we terrible people? For protecting a Vanderkoff? He hanged himself last year.
It's not like they're making more of those.
We just rolled a bipolar divorcee face-first onto a hardwood floor.
All to protect a couch.
It's not just a couch.
Our one nice thing.
The last seven years have been about sticky countertops and horsy shower curtains and childproof locks.
Do you know what's in this drawer? - I don't know what's in this drawer.
- I have no idea.
Look, I know it's frustrating, all right? But is that really a reason to choose a thing over a person? I mean, come on.
We're no better than Doug.
I guess it's not a great example to set for Lily.
Maybe we don't deserve one nice thing.
"And when the sun came out, all the turtles, from Abner to Zeke, had fun at the picnic.
" "A rainy day for turtles.
" It always makes Lily feel better.
I guess she just thought that We do have one nice thing.
"And a beautiful rain--" Well, we don't have to watch it die.
Come on.
Let's go, Jay! We're supposed to be at the picnic in 20 minutes! They've been living in a van for six years.
They can wait a little longer.
So, today, instead of watching the game, I'll be playing lawn darts with Colombians, thanks to you not using your brain.
Here we go -- "The Sting.
" Well, someone's getting what they want today.
You finally get to watch your precious movie, huh? "A classic tale about a long con.
" Well, you're welcome.
Wait a minute.
"Rogues and double-crossers abound.
Who will outsmart whom?" Son of a bitch.
You knew I was using the Bark Mitzvah as a bargaining chip.
That's why you talked Gloria into coming back -- so I couldn't weasel my way out of this stupid picnic and you'd get the big TV.
Well, I'm onto you now.
I was just reading off the DVD box.
I mean, can you believe all the stuff Brenda brought for one night? I know.
Look at all this stuff over here.
Super replenishing balm? Uh, pore-reducing booster serum? Anti-aging buffing beads? It must be so hard to be a girl.
I know.
I know.
It really makes you worry about the world we're sending Lily out into.
Well, there's so much pressure on girls to be perfect.
- You ready? - Yep.
The thing is, Cam, all we can do is instill our beliefs in her and hope that she makes good choices.
Calming mister? It does feel nice to talk about it.
No, this is a calming mister.
- I just bought this.
- Oh, god, yes.
Let's try it.
Wait, that's like our fifth one, isn't it? It's getting kind of creepy.
Oh, relax -- it's probably just from Victor, that flower-delivery guy I dated.
Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Oh, because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex-con.
Hey, maybe it's Dylan trying to win you back.
So, Victor -- it's a closed door? Maybe it's not a guy who's in love with Haley.
Oh, thank you.
Maybe it's a guy who's obsessed with Haley and is getting plastic surgery to look like her so he can replace her and live her life.
Luke.
So they can only be for Haley? Of course not.
Haley isn't the only hottie living here.
I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day.
I definitely felt eyes on me.
Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me? - What do you mean? - I mean, like, from my boyfriend.
What? You have a boyfriend? And you thought my thing was crazy.
Alex, you have a boyfriend? You can't just drop that and leave.
Honey, it is so exciting.
Why didn't you tell us? Because I knew you'd get all weird and ask a million stupid questions.
What does he look like? How did you meet him? Okay, I'll show you a photo.
Well, I would, but now my phone's not working.
Oh, here he is.
In the supermarket flyer? That's him pondering the pork chops? What's to ponder? They're $4.
59 a pound.
I don't understand.
Why is he in this? He's a model, mom.
Oh, wait, wait.
Your boyfriend's a model? Well, how did you meet him? There's not much crossover for a national honor society student and a pork model.
Well, actually it's a really long story.
I Oh, well -- it's him.
Hey, hold on.
This is terrific news.
I can't believe she didn't tell us about him.
Oh, that's what you can't believe? What do you mean? Phil, it is a little weird.
I mean, suddenly she has this boyfriend.
She wants to show us a picture on her phone, but she can't, and magically he's in today's paper? I don't even want to say it.
Haley.
She's making it up.
Why would she do that? Maybe she's upset that none of us thought those roses could be for her.
Oh, and remember when she couldn't get a date for homecoming? She said she didn't care, but I caught her crying in her room.
Oh, honey, what did you say to her? Oh, I-I was super late, so I didn't really This is sad.
Alex has great news and her own mother and sister don't believe her? I want to.
Well, I do believe her.
I'm gonna tell her to invite this boyfriend over for dinner, and I'll be serving a big, old platter of "I told you so.
" Oh, great.
Maybe you could also serve unicorn burgers and magic beans, and I'll invite my boyfriend, Bigfoot! Still better than Dylan.
Okay.
I got a surprise for you.
It better not be another baby.
Is there something fun behind the couch? An Edgar Vanderkoff hand-crafted blanc de blanc sofa.
It was a wedding gift to ourselves.
Plus, we're showing Lily that we trust her enough to let us have one nice thing.
When you think about it like that, - it's really a gift for Lily.
- Yeah.
Okay, whoa.
We only get on this couch when we know we're not dirty.
That's why we got her the couch.
To teach her about respect.
Legs a little wider please.
Is that a cookie in your back pocket? - Yep.
- Okay.
Bup-up-up! Hey, nice and slow.
Watching that.
But now that I got you here, what do you think? That you wore cargo shorts to my middle-school graduation, but you're putting on a bow tie for some dog's birthday party.
It's all good fun.
The Birnbaums can't have kids.
They like to do it up big for Buster.
I had my fifth birthday in a break room of a Der Wienerschnitzel, but good for Buster.
Why are you so cranky? This kid at school ripped me off for 40 bucks in a pyramid scheme.
Did this have something to do with that broken plastic pyramid on your dresser? It looked like marble in the picture.
Oh, man.
Where were you when I was growing up? I'd have had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Where'd you go to school -- "guys and dolls"? Bright as you are, you got to smarten up.
You got to be more suspicious of people.
Stop being such a patsy.
How is this for the party? It's my first time meeting your dog-park friends.
Fantastic, but be careful -- some of these guys are single in the group.
What a surprise.
Manny, we won't be late.
I left dinner for you and Joe, but don't eat the deviled eggs that are in the refrigerator because they're for tomorrow's picnic.
What picnic -- somebody's cat going to college? No, some of Gloria's friends are getting their green cards.
It's actually a nice group.
Yes, they're very decent, hardworking people.
Jay met them at Mirabelle's fake wedding.
Zooboo! No, you've already watched "Zooboo" six times today.
We're gonna watch a classic movie right here on the big screen.
You better let him watch his show.
If not, he's gonna freak out.
Yesterday I turned it off, and he bit through one of the pool balls.
Hey, Mitchell.
Hi, uh, um B Renda.
Yes, you thought I wasn't gonna remember, didn't you? So, how's your first week been? I'm getting a divorce.
Oh.
God.
Um well, I did ask, so It's really hard to be alone, you know? Yeah.
Hey, you know who else who stays late is, um, Stacey.
- 14 months.
- Oh, gosh.
Well, sometimes it's good to get in and out fast, though, huh? We haven't had sex in 14 months.
We were married 20 years.
Well, that's a nice, round number.
Yeah.
My restless leg syndrome, like that's a reason to leave? Well, you know, everybody has -- especially after all his habits and requests! God! I've done more paddling than Lewis and Clark! Hey, Stace, you out there? Oh, she's gone.
People leave.
Well, you know, i-if there's anything that I can do to help you -- Could I stay with you? What's that? So, Larry's allowed to sit on the couch and I'm not? Well, Larry is white.
Hey, you chose me.
Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.
- Hello? - Hey, Cam.
So, listen, you remember my -- my new friend at work Brenda, right? Who? That's right -- the pretty one.
Uh, so, she and her husband are -- are going through some problems at home, and she was wondering if she might be able to stay at our house.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes, of course.
Oh, shoot and darn it! I thought we had something.
Mitchell, I know what you're doing.
Ahh, there's no way we can reschedule, huh? Fight your instincts.
This is a chance for you to show some real compassion.
- I need a Zoloft.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, I agree with all that, but I -- I am being nice! Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.
I-I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.
But I -- I didn't mean it.
Nobody ever means it.
Mitchell, you want this growth in your life.
That's why you asked her.
You're just scared.
No, no, it was a completely hollow offer and -- yeah, that -- that's right.
Okay, George and Wendy Hollowoffer.
Dinner at 7:30.
Okay, bye-bye.
You need this, and I need something nice to write about you in our Christmas letter.
I love you, too.
Goodbye.
So bad news, huh? Well, only if you hate home cooking.
- You're the best! - So -- I think you got some of my Zoloft.
That's okay.
I could use it.
Bark Mitzvah -- what a concept.
Beagles and lox, dog briskets.
Whoever's in charge of the wordplay, bravo.
Is this for dogs or for people? I hope it's for people.
I've had four of them.
- Are you having fun? - Ay, yes.
Before today, I had never seen a gravy fountain.
Oh, Gumdrop, look! Stella's here! Everybody, let's get a picture.
Pupparazzi! How great is that? Everybody squeeze in.
Be careful of her cysts.
She'll nip you.
O-okay.
Okay, one more.
Doodles blinked.
Now, really get tight this time.
No! No, no, no! - Enough.
Enough.
- Oh, Gloria -- Gloria.
Gloria, honey, I -- listen.
I-I know you're not a dog person.
No, I'm okay with the dogs.
I'm just not a dog-person person.
You said that this party was going to be normal.
It's just fun.
There's a buffet and an open bar for dogs.
My cousin got married on a raft.
I tried to play along, Jay, but -- but this is crazy.
I have to go home.
Gloria, now, do you think it's fair to use the word "crazy" about a -- I-I'll see you at home, Gloria.
Oh, thank you so much, you guys.
God, where were you when I was looking for the perfect man? Well, probably in Missouri at a bar called Kansas City Meats - doing the same thing.
- Funny! - Look at that smile.
- What? That's what being nice feels like.
- I like it.
- I'm proud of you.
Well, I'm just letting a person I barely know sleep in my home.
I don't know if I'd use the word "hero," but "Hero"? Stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
Oh, god.
Hey, you guys have a cat? Um, how about I freshen up that wine, huh? - Oh, no.
I am good.
- Okay, um In fact, Cam, what are -- what are we doing in the living room, here? You know? Yeah, oh, you know what? We haven't even given Brenda a tour of our Ga-- uh, garage.
- Our -- - Our garage.
Oh, no.
I don't like garages.
That's where Doug kept his precious sailboat.
No eating on the boat.
No drinking on the boat.
All because the one time I went on the boat, I spilled.
- Well, guess what.
Boats go like this.
- Oh, geez.
You know?! And I'm like Who -- who loves a thing more than a person? A monster.
Have we shown you our shed? There's a shed.
He knew what he was getting into when he married me.
I'm a little messy.
Well, guess what, Doug! Life's a little messy.
Okay, my sinuses leak, my -- my ears run, and I have hyperactive sweat glands, but You know what? I do need a refill.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not surprised.
She's losing a lot of fluids.
- It's as if Doug was over here.
- I know.
I saw that.
Alec! His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa to operate on some dumb babies.
So fixing their hearts is worth breaking mine? It's kind of worth it.
He can do like six operations a day.
Yeah.
I-I-I understand.
I'm sorry I'm lashing out.
I-I just really like you.
I still like you.
You're making this worse.
Bye, Alec.
Bye, Alex.
I knew you couldn't leave without one last kiss! We can work this out! I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonna regret that, aren't I? Uh, I was hoping you could throw this away for me.
Yeah.
Sure.
So, honey, we've been talking, and we want to meet your boyfriend.
You just missed him.
He was here? He just left.
This is his cup.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, it looks like "Alex.
" His name is Alec.
The "C" just got smudged.
Honey, his name is Alec.
But the "C" got smudged.
Yeah, um, well, why don't you just text him and then invite him back for dinner? I can't.
He broke up with me.
Oh, no.
He's moving to Africa.
Because they need grocery models in Africa.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
They broke up.
I miss him.
Oh, don't worry.
Soon it will be like he never existed.
Okay.
Ay Dios mÃo, Manny.
What's going on with Joe? He's a drug addict.
After two hours of mind-liquefying "Zooboo," I briefly put on a classic movie, and he freaked out.
If he could walk better, I'd seriously suggest a 12-step program.
Ay, no, Joe.
No more "Zooboo.
" Thank you.
Ay, no.
Turn the big TV off.
If he sees it on, he's going to want to watch his show.
Why are you home? Buster's party was a Bark Mitzvah.
I don't know why Jay would take me to this place.
I don't know.
Maybe this dog stuff is his way of trying to find a common interest with you.
It's hard.
You don't like golf or scotch or Eisenhower documentaries.
It's true.
I don't like Ike.
But the people in this party, they are so obsessed with dogs.
Even the punch bowl was in the shape of a toilet.
Well, it's not like Jay doesn't get out of his comfort zone for you.
He's going to your green-card picnic tomorrow.
You're right.
He even bought star-spangled sombreros for everybody.
It's the wrong country.
He never listens, but -- but he's sweet.
You know what? I should go back to that party.
You guys want to come? Might as well.
They had a pretty good spread at Buster's bris.
Okay, let's get this woman into bed and, in the morning, out of the house as fast as we can.
Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Probably without those hand gestures.
So, nice bath? Oh, yeah, the best.
I'm so ready for bed.
Okay.
Ooh, by the way, I left a ring in there.
Oh, well, we'll get at it with some bleach in the morning.
No, no, no, my wedding ring.
I just don't feel like wearing it anymore.
Oh, well, goodbye, bad memories, hello to our guest couch, the cloud.
That's a small cloud.
Oh, you know what? It's deceptively comfy.
- I sleep on it all the time.
- Oh.
- Yeah, if I don't beat him to it first.
- Really? Oh, okay.
All right.
So, there you are.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
I'm not -- I'm pretty sure this isn't gonna work.
No, no, this will be fine.
This will be fine.
This is what I always do.
It's not a big deal.
Just make this up nice for you.
There we go.
Okay.
See you in the morning.
Yeah, but my -- my head's -- - Oh.
- What we were thinking? - Here.
Come on.
- There it is right there.
- There you go.
Okay.
Night-night.
- Night-night.
Hey, guys.
Here's an idea.
What if I just slept on your couch in the living room? I'm shaking.
Why? Problem solved.
No, she's making the whole house shake.
Hey, guys.
You're back? What's going on? I'm sorry.
I love you, and you love dog parties.
So that means that I love dog parties.
You don't think it's crazy anymore? I didn't say that.
But Manny's right.
We should get more involved in each other's activities.
So, this was your idea? Well, it's sort of the foundation of any healthy marriage, but I did bring it up.
This is great! Well, come on.
Give me a hand.
We'll grab you and your mom an ice-cream bone.
I didn't do much.
I just -- Ruined my plan, that's all.
I wanted her to leave! What? She was supposed to storm out of here.
And after, I go home and say, "maybe we should do some things separately.
" I was gonna use her bailing out of this as a chip to get out of that stupid picnic tomorrow.
But now I've got no chip.
Hey, how about next time you devise a plan to avoid expressing a feeling, clue me in.
You can't be clued in.
You're a patsy.
Hey, um, there was talk of an ice-cream bone? I made that up, too.
Use your head! Hey, honey, you alone? Do you see anyone else in here? Do you? Sweetheart, your father and I think we owe you an apology.
For what? Well, this morning when we didn't think the rose could be for you, it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
I guess.
A little.
I am so sorry to make you feel bad.
And it is completely believable that you would have an admirer.
Okay.
What we're worried about is that we have created an environment in which you feel it's necessary to - Embelli-- - Fanta-- - Exagger-- - Oh, my god.
You guys don't think Alec is real? Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit in in high school.
So do I.
And whether you try to fit in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend You guys are so unbelievable.
You really think I'm that pathetic that I'd have to create some imaginary boyfriend? You know what's not imaginary? Your feelings.
Okay, don't! don't! F.
Y.
I.
, I changed my Facebook status to "single" about an hour ago, and guess what.
I already have a date.
You don't believe me, do you? Sweetheart, you've had two boyfriends in 30 seconds.
That practically Haley's record.
Well, he's real.
His name is Teddy.
His name is Teddy? Yeah.
Teddy Keyes.
And what do we know about this young man? He's new to our school.
He works at some mattress store -- Mattress King.
And he's a bit of a bad boy.
He had a little problem with shoplifting.
He spent some time in juvie.
But, you know, he's not really my type.
He's just a rebound.
So I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why am I even talking to you guys? Leave! Get out! Did you see the look in her eyes? Like she believed everything she was saying.
That's terrifying.
Like this guy I knew in college.
He was always telling me about these "crazy parties" that were "full of women.
" But when I'd ask him where they were, he'd give me a fake address.
Makes me wonder what else she's making up.
I have never met that girl she tutors in math.
Esther Choi? Me neither.
Because she doesn't exist! There is not an Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.
She needs help, Claire.
What do we do? I mean, should we send her back to that therapist? The one we've never met? No! Wait! Don't open it! Move away! It's for me! Move! Damn.
You look hot.
The roses are from you, Teddy? Yeah, I met a guy in juvie who works at the cemetery.
They got flowers all over the place.
Oh, I also got you this.
Sweet.
Let's go.
My other one of these cracked, so you can use this one.
Okay.
Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy! Teddy's real! - Real freaky! - I'm going! Cam, you're snoring.
What? Sorry.
Was that me? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What is she doing out here? - Well she has that restless leg.
- Both of them? Oh, my gosh, get the ice cream! What do we do? Should we wake her up? And say what? "Would you mind terribly getting off our couch? You seem to be glazing it.
" Do you have a better idea? Okay, okay, go around the back.
What am I doing? What am I doing? We'll get this underneath her.
Once, I helped a sow give birth to nine baby piglets on our living room floor.
Didn't get a drop of nothin' on the linoleum.
We're gonna get back to why the sow was in the living room.
Lady Di's wedding.
It was beautiful.
Cam, she's gonna wake up.
Oh, please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.
Roll! Doug, no, I don't wanna.
Okay, okay, what do I do? What do I do? You come back around this way.
No, Doug.
Now, what we're gonna do is I'll push her this way and pull the blanket.
- Okay, I got to pull her? - Okay.
I'm losing her.
I'm losing her.
This could work, too.
It's fine.
What -- what happened? You were having a really bad dream, and then you rolled right off of our uncomfortable sofa.
I'm sorry.
I-I was lonely.
I came out here, and then I wound up waking up the whole house.
I'm the worst houseguest in the world! - Don't.
- Don't.
Doug was right.
I'm gonna die alone.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Okay, come on.
Can you please be quiet? I'm so sorry, Lily.
It's all my fault.
My head hurts.
- I'm gonna get you some aspirin.
- Okay.
Cam, are we terrible people? For protecting a Vanderkoff? He hanged himself last year.
It's not like they're making more of those.
We just rolled a bipolar divorcee face-first onto a hardwood floor.
All to protect a couch.
It's not just a couch.
Our one nice thing.
The last seven years have been about sticky countertops and horsy shower curtains and childproof locks.
Do you know what's in this drawer? - I don't know what's in this drawer.
- I have no idea.
Look, I know it's frustrating, all right? But is that really a reason to choose a thing over a person? I mean, come on.
We're no better than Doug.
I guess it's not a great example to set for Lily.
Maybe we don't deserve one nice thing.
"And when the sun came out, all the turtles, from Abner to Zeke, had fun at the picnic.
" "A rainy day for turtles.
" It always makes Lily feel better.
I guess she just thought that We do have one nice thing.
"And a beautiful rain--" Well, we don't have to watch it die.
Come on.
Let's go, Jay! We're supposed to be at the picnic in 20 minutes! They've been living in a van for six years.
They can wait a little longer.
So, today, instead of watching the game, I'll be playing lawn darts with Colombians, thanks to you not using your brain.
Here we go -- "The Sting.
" Well, someone's getting what they want today.
You finally get to watch your precious movie, huh? "A classic tale about a long con.
" Well, you're welcome.
Wait a minute.
"Rogues and double-crossers abound.
Who will outsmart whom?" Son of a bitch.
You knew I was using the Bark Mitzvah as a bargaining chip.
That's why you talked Gloria into coming back -- so I couldn't weasel my way out of this stupid picnic and you'd get the big TV.
Well, I'm onto you now.
I was just reading off the DVD box.
I mean, can you believe all the stuff Brenda brought for one night? I know.
Look at all this stuff over here.
Super replenishing balm? Uh, pore-reducing booster serum? Anti-aging buffing beads? It must be so hard to be a girl.
I know.
I know.
It really makes you worry about the world we're sending Lily out into.
Well, there's so much pressure on girls to be perfect.
- You ready? - Yep.
The thing is, Cam, all we can do is instill our beliefs in her and hope that she makes good choices.
Calming mister? It does feel nice to talk about it.
No, this is a calming mister.
- I just bought this.
- Oh, god, yes.
Let's try it.