Seinfeld s06e09 Episode Script

What's supposed to be so attractive about fur? Why does a man wanna see a woman in fur? Men want women with shaved legs, shaved armpits, plucked eyebrows.
Then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear? To me, the only reason to wear fur would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal.
You ever see those tribal hunters wearing the fur with the other animal's head on top of their head, you know? I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, "Yeah.
That looks good.
Yeah.
I'm gonna turn my back on this goofball with the extra head because there's nothing fishy there.
I'll just keep drinking from the stream.
I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees.
" So I am actually gonna have a secretary.
- And I get to do the interview.
- It's incredible.
You were taking messages for your mother.
And now someone's gonna be taking messages for me.
From your mother.
So this woman you plan on hiring is she gonna be in the spokesmodel category? Sure, I could go the tomato route but I've given this a lot of thought, Jerry.
All that frustration, I'll never get any work done.
So I'm doing a complete 360.
I'm going for total efficiency and ability.
That's a 180, George.
Whatever.
- Hi, Willie.
- Hey, Jerry.
I got this stuff and my mother's fur for storage.
- What are you doing with it? She keeps it with me for when she comes up from Florida.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jerry, you know my wife, Donna.
Yeah.
That's why I said "hi.
" Hey, nice jacket.
Thanks.
Houndstooth.
This is a beauty.
- Great cut.
It's probably very flattering.
- Oh, yes.
It really accentuates my bust line.
Well, I type about I'm completely well-versed in all the IBM and Macintosh programs.
Well, Miss Coggins, you're obviously qualified for the job.
You have all the necessary skills and experience but you're extremely attractive.
You're gorgeous.
I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name.
So I'm afraid this is not gonna work out.
Thanks for coming.
You're luscious.
You're ravishing.
I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra.
I'm terribly sorry.
Terribly sorry.
As you can see, my references are impeccable.
I think I'd be a real asset here.
My only concern is, I do take care of my mother.
So will there be many late nights? I can't imagine.
Okay.
So Barneys is having this huge sale.
I try this dress on.
Stunning.
Stunning.
I couldn't take my eyes off myself.
- Yeah? - Okay.
So then I put it on at home it looks like I'm carrying twins.
So you're saying, store, hotsy-totsy, Home, hotsy-notsy.
Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, I gotta go there and return it.
I thought we were going to the movies.
All right.
I'll try it on again.
You tell me what you think.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, George.
Hey, Elaine.
I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible.
Don't know why I didn't have one before.
Because you didn't have a job? Perhaps.
I walk in, everything is organized.
Messages, appointments.
I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ada.
A lesser man would've crumbled.
They would've gone for the dish and the sure-fire sexual harassment suit.
- It's a little - All right.
You answered it right there.
You got no waist in that thing.
And your arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.
I said, all right.
- Well, why'd you buy it for? - Why did I buy it? Because in the mirror at Barneys, I looked fabulous.
This woman who was just walking by said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.
How fast was she walking? "Demi"? I thought it was "Demi.
" No, I think it's "Demi.
" Really? I never heard of a "semi" tractor-trailer.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.
- Skinny mirrors.
- What? Skinny mirrors.
Barneys has skinny mirrors.
They make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.
Oh, you're crazy.
Am I? Do you think I would've bought this dress if I looked like this at Barneys? You know, I think she may have something.
What are you all dressed up for? I'm returning this dress to Barneys.
Good idea.
Do it tomorrow.
We'll go to the movies.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Hey, if you're going maybe you can pick me up some of this super-hydrating It's a total-protection moisturizer with UVA.
Yeah.
- Moisturizer? That's girl stuff.
- No.
Look, I'll tell you what.
- They're having a sale, right? - Yeah.
I'll meet you down there.
We'll have lunch.
- Well, we could - Yeah, we'll get to know each other.
We never get to spend any time together.
Oh, sure.
We have our little group here, but And then, assuming the strike is resolved on April 14th, we play the Angels.
So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
Anaheim Hotel.
You may wanna reconsider.
I believe they only have room service until 10 p.
m then it's only finger foods.
Ada, you're a wonder.
Okay.
Now, I projected those figures for you regarding the switch to canola oil for stadium popcorn.
And surprisingly, it'll only cost half a cent more per bag so it is definitely doable.
Ada, I have to tell you, I have never met anybody so efficient.
Well, thank you.
I'm flattered.
You're just a marvel of organization.
Well, I'm just doing my job.
It's like I'm I'm thinking of something and you're one step ahead of me.
What can I say? I'm I'm good at what I do.
Do you.
.
? Do you know what I'm thinking about now? Yes.
I think I do.
Is it doable? It's definitely doable.
Well, that was the worst.
I can't believe they made the wife the killer.
- Give me a break.
- Hey.
Give us a break.
We haven't seen it yet.
- Thanks a lot, bigmouth.
- Yeah.
- You got a pen? - Yeah.
I think I do.
And I need something to write on.
Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.
I just met Uma Thurman.
She's giving me her telephone number.
Uma, Jerry.
Uma.
- Uma Thurman? Really? - How'd you manage that? Yeah.
Well, I I don't have any time to talk now.
He's got the kavorca.
- Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry cleaner? - Where? He just went in.
You know, I I think he was wearing my houndstooth jacket.
What would he be doing wearing your jacket? It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned.
He complimented me on it.
- Are you sure? - I got it.
Uma, Uma, Uma.
- You are amazing.
- Yeah.
All right.
Taxi's on me.
No, no, no.
A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket then go around the back of the shirt.
Ada, you're incredible.
Here.
I wanna show you something.
Hand me that pillow.
Here.
What? Oh, my God.
Mr.
Costanza.
Ada.
- I'm giving you a raise! - Yes! So you're having sex, then all of a sudden you just blurt out: "I'm giving you a raise"? Yeah.
Just a quick sidebar here.
Are you in any way authorized to give raises? - Not that I'm aware of.
- No.
So you're so grateful to have sex, you'll shout out anything that comes into your head.
I didn't think ahead.
Well, maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.
I didn't say any other bawdy things.
Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
All right.
You're not any help at all here.
I don't know the point of talking to you.
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, the only thing I can do is to go to George Steinbrenner and tell him he has to give her a raise.
- How long has she been there? - Three days.
- It's almost a week.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- What? - It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.
George, I think Willie the dry cleaner's been wearing my clothes.
These mirrors are skinny mirrors.
This is false reflecting.
And I think that the department of you know, whatever would be very interested to know what's going on here.
Well, we're more than happy to exchange it for something else.
Okay.
Fine.
I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator, with the little - I'll bring it to your dressing room.
- Okay.
Thanks so much.
What are you all dressed up for? Well, Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue you don't wanna skimp on the swank.
I like your little bag.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, look at this.
This is a super-hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, huh? Wait till that Uma smells this UVA.
- Hey, Kramer.
- Hey, Bania.
What's happening? I'm looking for a new suit, but I can't find anything I like.
- That's a nice suit.
- Well, thank you.
- Did you get that here? - No, no, no.
This is vintage.
They don't make this stuff anymore.
- You're telling me.
- I sure am.
It's hard to find pants - That don't make you high-waisted? - Yes.
- Me too.
- What size are you? - Forty-two.
- Forty-two? That's what I am now.
I've been working out.
I'm huge.
How'd you like to sell it? Make me an offer.
- One hundred bucks.
- Surely you jest.
One seventy-five? Look at the stitching.
This is old-world craftsmanship.
- Three hundred dollars.
- Sold.
- Follow me into the dressing room.
- You'll throw the shirt in? Bania, you're killing me.
Hey, that's the women's dressing room.
There's nothing there I haven't seen before.
Mr.
Steinbrenner? Can I talk to you for a second? Yes.
Yes, George.
Can you talk to me? Of course you can.
I'm a very accessible man.
I just wanna say you're doing great on that canola-oil stuff.
Well, you know, to be honest, sir, my My new secretary, Ada, came up with that one.
Ada.
Ada.
I like that name, George.
She supports her whole family.
- Is that a fact, George? - Yes.
In fact, her mother's in the hospital.
It's some kind of a diverticulitis.
I had a bout of that myself one time, knocked me right on my ass.
She can't even afford to go out to lunch.
She She's been eating in high school cafeterias.
She pretends to be a teacher.
It's pathetic.
What does that cost? Two and a quarter? You know, I was just thinking that she could really use a raise.
She'd be better off making a sandwich and bringing it.
Hello? George, will you excuse me? Kramer.
What are you doing? Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.
- What? - Yeah.
I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool 300.
So go buy a new one.
At this place? It would destroy my profit margin.
- So? - Listen, do me a favor.
Just call Jerry.
Tell him to bring me some clothes.
- Hello, Willie.
- Hey, Jerry.
- You're dropping off.
- No but seen any good movies lately? - You came by to ask that? - Yeah.
Specifically, 9:30 shows.
Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie? - What are you getting at? - I saw you stepping out with my houndstooth jacket.
Jerry, that's a breach of the dry cleaners' code.
You need a code to tell you not to wear people's clothes? I wasn't wearing your jacket.
- Jerry, you're imagining things.
- Yeah.
Am I imagining this? Found that little cutie in the pocket.
- Jerry, I - Yeah.
Well, now that we understand each other, I'll take my business elsewhere.
- I want my mother's fur coat back too.
- Jerry, come on.
- Now.
- Now? Yeah.
I want that coat.
- Well - Where's the ticket? - Kramer.
- Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me that you don't have a ticket for the coat? No.
Not on me.
Well, I need to see that ticket.
Why? I've gotten cleaning without it.
Yeah, but this is different.
Those fur-storage warehouses are huge.
You can't get anything without a number.
All right.
I'll be back.
Yeah.
It looks good here, but what does that mean? So do you want it? I don't know.
I have to think about it.
I need a nonpartisan mirror.
I can't thank you enough, Mr.
Costanza.
- I'm so grateful.
- Yes.
Well I sat down with Mr.
Steinbrenner.
I told him you have been doing great work.
I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn't get it that I was leaving.
It was just so generous.
Oh, don't worry about it.
He's got plenty of money.
Oh, I know, but 25,000.
- So you got a $25,000-a-year raise? - Yes.
- Oh, I tell you, Mr.
Steinbrenner - You're making more than I am.
- I am? - A secretary cannot make more than her boss.
- Well, apparently they can.
Oh, this is insanity.
I'm not this hip-y.
Hey.
Hey, what do you think of this? You'll never pull it off.
Hey.
What's going on in there? Excuse me.
Could you tell me where I could find women's moisturizer lotions? This woman's been in there for over an hour.
Excuse me, miss.
Is everything okay in there? Yeah.
- Kramer? - Jerry.
You got my clothes? - What clothes? - Didn't Elaine call you? No.
Well, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room.
I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.
The stub.
Yeah.
I left it in my My pants.
- Where are your pants? - Well, I sold them to Bania.
What? You sold your pants to Bania? Let me in.
Why'd you sell your pants to Bania? I had Uma Thurman's number written on that stub.
I lost Uma's number.
- Where are your clothes? - I told you, I sold them to Bania.
- You mean, what you were wearing? - Yeah.
How'd you expect to get out of here? Well, I didn't think ahead.
This This isn't gonna work for me.
So if you could show me something else.
No.
- No? - No.
Because you're taking that one.
- I am? - Yes.
You wore it outside.
That's preposterous.
Well, I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.
Shall I wrap it, or will you wear it out? No.
You can wrap it.
- Kramer, you still in there? - Elaine? Jerry? - Elaine, where's Kramer? - Bania? - Kramer? - I'm going out.
- Jerry.
- Bania.
Kramer, I want my money back for this suit.
Your nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets.
- Suit's ruined.
- You're not getting any money back.
- Jerry, come back.
- Excuse me.
- Uma's number's on that ticket.
- Never mind Uma.
I need that ticket to get my mother's coat.
Why not just give him the money? I'm not giving him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.
- I got an idea.
- What? I can't believe I'm gonna do this.
Can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going? - Pretty good.
- Yeah.
See, the thing is, I'm in an awkward position here because I don't wanna get between you two guys but I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.
All you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back and you'll get your ticket.
- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Well, tell you what I will do, Bania.
You give me the ticket and I will take you out for a nice dinner.
Can we go back to Mendy's? You wanna go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's.
- Twice.
I wanna go twice.
- All right, let's be reasonable, Bania.
I'm taking you out for dinner.
All I want is a little ticket.
- I think that's a pretty good deal.
- Two Mendy's.
All right.
- Just give me the ticket.
- Here you go.
But, Mr.
Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly knowing that my subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect, sir, it's out of whack.
I understand what you're saying.
I know what it's like to be strapped.
As a young man in Cleveland, I hitchhiked to work.
One time I got picked up by a bakery truck.
Think that smells good? Try being cooped up in one of those babies.
I couldn't look at a doughnut for two years.
Not that I was ever one for the sweets.
Sure, I like a cupcake every now and then like everybody else.
You know, I like it when they have a little cream inside.
It's a surprise.
That's good.
Plus, the chocolate ones are good too.
Sometimes I can't even make up my mind.
A lot of times, I'll mix the two together.
Make a vanilla-fudge.
Let me in, it's me.
Here.
You don't know what this is costing me.
All right.
Nice work.
Wait.
Where's Uma's number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.
The dry-cleaning number's gone too.
It must have been the botanical extracts.
Give me that.
Hey, Bania, the dinner's off.
The ticket's no good.
The numbers are all smudged out.
You trying to get out of Mendy's? - You can't do that.
- The ticket is worthless.
You promised me.
Hey, isn't that my mother's fur coat? - No, it's not.
- It is.
- Give me that back.
- What are you talking about? - You out of your mind? - Are you crazy, taking my coat? What, do you think the dry cleaners is your personal closet? Hey, Donna, can you get the salt stain out of this? Let me see.
Piece of cake.
Bring it in.
What size is it? This soup is great.
Yeah, it's very good.
I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup.
The best, Jerry.
The best.
- Are you enjoying it? - Yeah.
I'm having a wonderful time.
Wait till you try the swordfish.
You know, Jerry, I was thinking for our next meal, do you think we should come here or should we go someplace else? It has its pros and cons.
On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal.
- On the other hand - Yeah, yeah, I know.
This would be good, but it'd be the same.
If we go someplace else, it would be different, but maybe not as good.
It's a gamble.
I get it.
Yeah.
Let's hurry.
I gotta go.
I'm meeting a woman for a drink.
- Oh, and who might that be? - Some woman named Uma.
I got her number off that ticket before it was smudged.
Hope she's good-looking.
If you are a waiter or a waitress and you see me in a restaurant I'm telling you right now, I don't wanna hear about the specials.
I don't wanna know about the specials, I'm sick of the specials, I hate them.
My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu.
You know what's special? They don't know if anybody likes them.
And they always have those overly creative descriptions of the specials.
The veal is lightly slapped and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white-wine intravenous.