Family Guy s06e11 Episode Script

The Former Life of Brian Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? About an hour ago.
This party sucks.
What happened to your face? I'a ttcat.
Stupid face-painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul.
This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.
Es con mucho dolor que digamos adios a Javier.
.
y Pepe y Carlos y Lupe, y otra Lu.
Ivor Faan, Jesus, Maria, Vincente, y los perros de Vincente.
Come on.
Let's get out of here, Ban.
Wait.
Hang on a second.
Who's that? That's Jared's mom.
Her husband died in Iraq.
Really? No, wait.
He was either wounded or killed.
don't remember.
Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed? I can work with either.
No, no, he's dead.
He's dead.
Just like the Pink Panther.
What's wrong with him, Doctor? Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled with Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation.
What?! Will he be okay? Noheon bok.
One-third of his body weight is Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation.
llth'st.
But don't worry, he won't burn in hell thanks to all that Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation.
How about at gianhu Yeah, he's great.
I love magicians.
I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy.
I'm a magician.
You are? How long have you been doing magic? Oh, long time.
I used to work with Doug Henning.
Wow.
Yeah.
Want to e Dg nng? Welcome to the wonderful world of magic.
Hope I don't get AIDS.
Oh, God, that is so my humor.
You know, my son's birthday party is next weekend.
Any chance I can hire you to do your act? Absolutely! I think the magis arngo pp already.
Brian, this is painful.
It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop o' bn vi ithU.
almost long enough to sound American.
Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque.
eylad e mauence requests.
Way awesome.
I myself drank, like, five liters of beer.
Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man.
Ohyosa ifrnd to stay 'cause I almost hadsex on this girl.
Oh, yeah! But itwas soxpsive.
Each drink was, like,x lls.
And if I've donethis right, then this isyour car Swi Really, Brian?Card tricks? That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman? Well, yeah.
Why not? You need more than t u need an act.
Listen, I'll beyour assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.
Really? Yeah, we'll doall the great tricks.
You can evensplit me in half.
What?w iha.
Well, I am still a little shaky on some of this stuff.
I guess I coulduse the help.
Great.
And we'll get youa wand, a top hat and a cape.
In fact, you can use Peter's cape from last year'sHaeen costume.
Hi, Brian.
I'm Count Crotchula,the bulging vampire.
I'll bite your neck, but also look w gamowthe.
That costume doesn'tmake any sense.
Don't stiflemy creativity! See that bulgedown there, Brian.
Whats atWh iit Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those areall the way up here.
I'll let you inon a little secret.
Happy Halloween.
Okay, kids, it's time forthe magic show.
Hoabt birod applause for The Amazing Brian?! Yay!I love magic! I can't believe I agreedto four costume changes.
Oh, who am I kidding?I insisted on it.
Brian thanks so muchfor doing this.
Paul and I are so excitedto see your act.
Oh, thankWait.
What? Paul, my boyfriend.
Paul, this is Brian.
Boyfriend?!Oh, come on! I id80foalth crap! You have a boyfriend?! Yeah.
And I'm a great guy.
I'm unemployed, but that makes her feel useful in the relationship.
m nnfihi Our relationshipwill do fine on that basis.
If he had his life together, I wouldn'tbe into it.
But I don't.
God! I am so sickof this crap! Is this the show? You know what? The hell withboth of you! I'm outta here! Are we doing this thing or what? Brian? Brian? Well, this was a lot of effortfor nothing like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks.
You know, Matthew, I-I may not ever get otr an to say this,so I just want to get this offmy chest.
You are just awful.
You're one of the worst actors t hto ofi.
.
and I think that you needto go away.
Oh, thanks, man.
The truth is I spend at least exploringexotic places, having sex with mybeautiful girlfriend,just doing sit-ups.
I mean, I reallyAnd then counting money.
Money that I made off thteib fmsat I put out into the American populacebecause they just love to see me doing whatit is that I do.
Yes, but you'renot hearing me.
Dazed anCous wathonthgthat was passable.
After thatOh, thanks, man.
That actuallylaunched my care After that, everything elsewas awful.
Contact, they didn't even need u tt vi They could have donethe whole movie without you.
I know.
I know.
I saidthe same thing.
but they're just, like, "Oh, we need agood-looking guy " with a greaasanso thtbs "to just provide some down-home enthusiasmin this picture.
Something to counterbalanceJodie Foster.
" They took her to be,uh, slightlyd, apoaab, you know? So they put mein there.
I said it didn'tmake any sense.
Said the, saidthe same thing about hat Bill Murrayelephant movie, but they were just, like,"Oh, theudnc nd u.
You make me physicallysick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get aheart attack.
I totally feel you, man.
Truth of the mte is I n'li my movies either, but, man, they just keep offering me money and I do it and I get to go around the world.
I mean, didyou see Sahara? te you whatthe move gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstreamall across the country and sell that picture one person at a time.
You suck donkey ass.
Now, you can'tprove that.
That was so humiliating! I mean, look atall the stuff I t se toujust to get laid.
Oh, don't worry, my friend.
One day you'll find your soul mate.
The sad thing is I already didyears ago.
Try anan She was the greatest girl I ever met,and I blew it.
You should look her up.
Oh, am I boring you? No, it's justlong day.
Well, I suppose I could look her up.
I just wonder if she'd even want to see me.
I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world.
And then, inghchl, I was violated sexuallyby my father.
It happened onnumerous occasions, and I was too idto tell anyone because I felt like somehow it w mfat.
So you do goall the way.
Well, here goes.
Uh, Tracy? acFlag? Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? Uh, yeah, it's me.
Analheanis to kiss you just one more time.
Wow, you sure lookdifferent than the last timeI saw you.
ahhacu So to get out of hereI just make a left out of the driveway and drive as fastas I can? Wait.
Brian, I'm actually gladyofod.
There's someoneI've wanted you to meet for a long time.
From the lookat those toenails, I bet it's thatlittle Lamisil monster.
Brian, this is Dylan.
He's your son.
Oh, no way! Jey!er! rr Gosh, this is alovely home, Tracy.
That's so weird.
It smells likethere's a cat, buI t ersno cat.
I wanted you to meet Dylanfor a long time, Brian.
Well, Brian, a son.
How about that? Myodth imounmftable than the good-byein The Wizard of Oz.
Good-bye, Tin Man.
Good-bye, Doro Good-bye, Lion.
Good-bye, Dorothy.
I think I'll miss youmost of all, Scarecrow.
Oh, okay.
That's kind of anodd thing to say.
Yeah, sort of a weird commentrit fntf l u Kinda thoughtthis was a team effort.
Yeah, yeah.
Really, really glad I risked my lifeand everything.
Yeah, you're, like,five minutes from gone and you leave with that? You know, it's likecutting a huge fart and then walkingout of the room.
And that's how we'll remember you,as a big fart.
Good-bye, big fart.
So, Dylan, um, shouldn'tyou be in school? I doknow.
It's Wednesday.
Up yours! Nice kid.
Say, Brian,now that I think about it, how can you possible havea 13-year-old son enouourselfare only seven? Well, those are dog years.
That doesn't makeany sense.
You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the Internetand complain.
Oh, it was awful.
That kid was acomplete thug.
I'm telling you, I couldn't get outof there fast enough.
Boy, Brian, youdodged a bullet not having toraise that kid.
Your life would havebeen more miserable than a lonely old widow livingin a downstairs apartment.
Quiet! Keep itdown up there! What did I just say? I'm callg e li! I don't know, Brian.
Don't you think you havea responsibility to your son? Hey, Lois, I didn't even knowI had a son until today.
Anbede is t keTracy ever asked for my help.
Yeah, it seemed likethey're all set without you.
She's done a fine job creating a child-friendlyenvironment Great parenting.
I don't know, Brian.
Raising a child is a veryrewarding experience.
You know what elseis rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
What?Wh? Dylan! What are youdoing here? My mom wanted meto give you this.
"To Brian from Tracy.
He's your obm w.
"P.
S.
Will you write mea letter of recommendation for the Universityof Phoenix?" No.
No, I'm not gonna t se othli like that.
But Dylan, my God! Everybody, thishandsome muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.
Dyn gnae ayingwith us for a while.
Dylan, it's so niceto meet you.
Shut up, bitch! Oh! He gotyou, Lois.
No, no,!accat ts.
She can't justleave him here.
Well, we can't justturn him away, Brian.
After all, he is family.
I don't know.
ers gna sleep? He could sleepin Stewie's room.
Would you likethat, sweetie? No, my pants just got shorter'cause I hated the idea.
And this is Chris.
Chris, this ismy son, Dylan.
Hi, Dylan.
All istu ihe imi now.
Well Okay, but be carefulopening the closet, 'cause that's wherethe evil monkey lives.
y! I haven't been inmy closet for years! Boy, there is a lotof feces in here.
Something on yourmind, son? Shut up, dude.
You'rejust a fat old bastard.
ll, not to get technical,sir, but you are the bastard.
Front I say.
.
i'll.
.
you run.
.
schn.
.
I hate you all! I didn't askto be born.
Iad g, Iwould kill you all! Did you hear that, Lois? Now we know what toget him for Christmas.
Oh! I love the holidays.
Brian, you have gotto get Dylan under control.
He's terrorizingthe whole family.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he didto Meg yesterday.
He made her watc thotr 8 urof Monty Python stuff that isn't funnyor memorable.
I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy and I shall walk her to town, and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing.
" m gi! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.
Don't worry, I got itunder control, Lois.
I'm monitoring Dylan from hereon Stewie's baby monitor.
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Stewie, why are you nude? Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here ll aak t party.
Got my teacup here.
Now all I need is a tea bag.
That's something that interests you, my friend? u' wrd Yeah, and you're attractive Now take your beep pants off! I'm outta here.
Oh, did you see that, Rupert? How Le Gu ineneconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
Hey, Lois, is theair conditioning on? I just woke up from anap and I feel drafty.
Peter, we don't haveair conditioning Well, that'sawful peculiar.
Oh, my God.
Peter, look.
Oh, damn it, Dylan.
What the hell? llthk dI'm full of Play-Doh.
The are.
That's it.
I'mtelling Brian he has to reign Dylan inonce and for all.
Hey, where isBrian anyway? Oh, thanks, Lois.
Dylan put this paperbaony ad and I could not, for the life of me, figure out howto get it off.
The kid's a sociopath.
Well, it's time yoiddown the law with him.
I couldn't agree more.
I am gonna kick him out of this house faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.
Okay, your physical exam was within range.
You aced the flight simulator.
I guess all that's left is the psychological screening.
Okay.
How do youfeel about this? Ah, oh, my God,Cocoa Puffs.
No, that's not me anymore.
I'm just here to fly, sir.
All right, Dylan.
You know what? This isn't working out Alrit? don't carethat I'm your father, and you don't care that you're my son.
We don't have anything in common.
I think it's best if you just get out of this house.
Fine.
I hated you anyhow.
Get out of my way.
- My pot! - My pot! - Your pot? - Your pot? And then in chapter 28 of my novel, the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot and let him, let him into their group.
Dude, that is an amazing story.
Hey.
Hey, what if, um, there were a Korean pilot? Yeah.
Um, I'm not really looking for notes, but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something.
I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.
Don't.
Just, just don't.
If-if I had known having a son could be like this - How dare you? - I didn't know! You had no right, man.
No right.
- It wasn't my fault.
- You weren't there for me.
Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? Shh.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Look, I know I wasn't there for you man, for all those years, butthat's gonna change.
It's gonna be different from now on.
And I'm gonna make you into a better person, starting first thing tomorrow.
Just passing through.
See anything you like, speak up.
Hey, there, everybody.
Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood and his very, very proud Dad? Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.
Aren't you handsome? From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan, and together, we are gonna turn his life around.
Right champ? You said it, Dad.
All right! You ready for school? Yeah.
Hey, can I drive today? Oh, this kid! He's only 13.
I know.
I was just kidding.
Oh.
We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think.
Right? - Right? - Yes.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye! All right, kids.
Have a good day at school.
Hey, Dylan.
Have a great day at school.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? You're there.
I'll always be there, Dylan.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
Hi! I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable, Arm-Flailing Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, I am now in possession of hundreds of palettes of crudely painted, not-so-funny plywood cutout folk art, and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells passers-by, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugler lives here.
" Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud when they cast their eyes on such favorites as Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn and everybody's favorite, Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to her Garden in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.
Most of this stuff is price to move and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, so please, come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug.
Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia airport, where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.
Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.
I just think, you know, I just think, "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" Oh, my God, oh, I just don't know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do.
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
That'd be tough.
Oh, oh, no.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Quagmire, no.
You do not understand.
Until you have a child Until you have a child, you do not understand.
Okay? Damn it.
It's been like this all week.
Watch this: Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God I don't even want to think about that.
I don't even want to think about that.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's Oh, God.
Oh, no, no,no.
Knock on wood.
Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Oh, I can't hear any more of this.
Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes.
Oh, boy, you're not kidding.
I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid.
Well, wait a minute, Peter.
Maybe that's the answer.
You just gotta get his mother take him back.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? She's an idiot redneck, Peter.
Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.
Can I go through here? Just be back by bedtime.
Okay.
Lunch is ready, everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa.
Lois, Lois.
This is, this is white bread.
Yeah.
So? Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? No.
This was cheaper.
I just, I just, I don't want Dylan eating white bread.
Brian, there's nothing wrong with it.
Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread.
Brian, I promise you, it's fine.
Lois.
Lois, Lois I will decide what is best for my child, all right? Look, will you take it easy? And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.
Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian.
Feed him whatever you want.
Tell, tell you what.
Go up to my jewelry box, take my gold jewelry.
Melt it down.
Make it into bread and feed him that.
That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?! Hey, everybody! Look at who's back to pick up her son.
This isn't The Price is Right.
You said we were going to The Price is Right.
Peter.
What the hell is this? Mom.
What are you doing here? Tracy wants Dylan back.
Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? What a joyous family reunion.
Isn't this great, Brian? Now Dylan can go back with his mom, and you can stop acting like such a jackass.
So that's what this is all about, huh? I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.
We just want the old you back, that's all.
Look.
All right.
Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right? But that's only because I've truly connected with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth.
And I have no intention of giving that up.
Who wants a half-and-half? Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring.
Wait a minute, Dad.
I think maybe I should go with her.
What? Dylan, why? Look at her.
She needs me- a lot more than you do.
But we were just starting to make a real connection.
Listen.
I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around, but now, thanks to you, I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life in the same way you transformed mine.
You know, I guess a dad couldn't ask for more than that.
I'm proud of you, Dylan.
My life will never be the same for knowing you.
Good-bye and good luck.
Good-bye, Dad.
Come on, Mom.
Let's go.
Bye.
Thanks for coming.
I'm gonna miss that boy.
You know, I just finally figured it out.
She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.
Right? - Right? - Yes.