Home Improvement s06e11 Episode Script

Well, that finishes our segment on home safety.
I hope you learned something.
I know I have.
Next time, we'll use a fireproof sign.
I'll call our insurance adjuster.
- It's on the speed dial, number eight.
- Oh, really? Well, it's time to dip into the old mail bag, Al.
That's right.
And our first letter is from "Perplexed in Petoskey.
" Ah, Petoskey.
They have that beautiful tire parade and pickle festival.
Gherkins and whitewalls.
Love that.
OK.
"I tried to install some dowels in an oak shelf unit.
They expanded and wouldn't fit in the holes.
What can I do?" Most people don't know, but you can shrink a dowel if you put it in the microwave for two minutes.
That's true.
And then just sprinkle a little cheddar on top, you'll have a nice oak-aroni and cheese.
You want to keep a lookout for Al's new book, Cooking with Lumber.
OK.
Uh, this is from "Flummoxed in Fenwick.
" Fenwick.
That's a great place.
They have the National Earmuff Museum.
It's open late July through early August because otherwise they're wearing them.
"I'm getting my driver's license this year.
I know a lot about cars.
But I'd like to learn even more.
I think if my parents bought me my own, it would be a great educational experience.
What do you think?" Well, I think, uh, cars are expensive, especially for a teenager.
- So, I'd have to say - Yes! Yes! Brad, if you want a car, you get a job.
All right, pal? I might not have much experience, sir, but I'm a fast learner.
And if you hire me, I know you won't regret it.
Sorry, kid.
You're not what we're looking for.
What was wrong this time? You just don't have the sophistication to work at the Wiener Barn.
Working on that job interview? How's it going? Ah, it's going all right.
It's just a part-time job selling wieners.
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You back that wiener wagon right back up.
There's no such thing as "just a job.
" Someone's paying you for something, take it seriously.
Dad, he'd be in charge of relish.
Here's a tip.
Compliment them on their sauerkraut.
Tell them it's right up there with the kraut burrito at Casa de Bratwurst.
Won't he see right through me if I kiss up? Excuse me.
The guy's the manager of a Wiener Barn.
How sharp can the guy be? Can you help me? Can anybody really help anybody? We're all alone.
And then we die.
It's time for my break.
That's unbelievable.
I've taken one ten-minute break in my life.
The doctor put that plaster cast on me and I was back at work before the plaster dried.
Just like my dad.
- I'm Rob.
I own the place.
- Brad.
Nice to meet you.
What can I do for you, Brad? I'm a little early for my job interview across the mall, I thought I'd check out your snowboards.
Snowboarding.
That's how I ended up in my second body cast.
On the up side, I ended up selling the entire surgical team a fleet of kayaks.
Excuse me, Brad.
There's a beautiful woman there looking at a $1,500 bicycle.
I love this job.
- Well, hidy-ho, Taylor lad.
- Hey, Wilson.
So, what brings you to this indoor amalgam of vendors, colloquially known as "the mall?" I'm killing time before my job interview at the Wiener Barn.
What are you doing? Well, Brad, I'm on a quest for a new hobby.
I've narrowed it down to either channeling Aztec spirits or rollerblading.
Brad, do you know anything about these skates? Sure do.
These softer ones are for indoor.
These harder, faster ones are for outdoor.
The bearings are rated by ABEC numbers that go from one to 12.
Most use three.
Well, I don't know, Brad.
Maybe channeling Aztec spirits is a lot safer.
Aren't the Aztecs the ones that cut the hearts out of people still alive? I'm gonna go for those Turbo Roller 2000s.
You know, they're on sale over at Larson's.
Really? Well, maybe I'll go over there and take a gander.
- Good luck with that Wiener Barn.
- Thanks.
Oh, by the way, Brad, a little tip.
Compliment the sauerkraut.
They just love that.
So you're also an expert on rollerblading.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm an expert.
You're doing a good job driving customers out of my store.
I'm sorry.
That was my neighbor Wilson.
Brad, do you know what I do to people who do what you just did? Cut out their hearts? I offer them a job.
What do you say you work for me part-time? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
If you're on my payroll, you'll keep customers in my store.
And that's kind of what I'm going for here, Brad.
Well, it sounds a lot better than steaming wieners.
What do you say we go talk salary over at Java Joe's? You a coffee lover, Brad? Yeah, and one day, I hope to be a coffee drinker.
Coffee, anyone? We don't drink coffee.
We're kids.
And the word on the street is, so are you.
Hey, as of today, I'm a working man.
And a working man needs his morning coffee.
A little more sugar, and the working man can fly to work.
Pass me the business section.
Well, there's the working stiff.
Having a good day? Thanks for the coffee.
I'm not sure you put enough coffee in the sugar, did you? You pumped up for your first day? Yeah.
I'm ready to rack up some big numbers.
- All right.
- Well, I'm out of here.
When you get home tonight, we're gonna block-sand some of the panels on the hot rod.
- You got it.
- Good luck, kid.
I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm a working man.
So long, boys.
Dad, could I get some lunch money? Hi.
I'm looking for some new golf clubs.
Golf? Now there's a total waste of time.
What, do you wear those silly clothes too? Actually, sir, our golf section's right over there.
Our best clubs are probably our graphite.
But if you want something a little less expensive, try steel.
See what feels comfortable.
I'll be back.
Nice work, Brad.
I'm gonna help the golf guy.
You haven't taken a break.
Hey, I don't need a break.
I'm trying to make a sale.
You know, it's kind of what I'm going for here.
You're doing a great job.
You've made more sales in one day than Holly's made in Actually, Holly's never made a sale.
Well, if you don't mind me asking, why did you hire her? I've got a good heart.
And she's my sister.
Well, maybe one day she'll finally wake up and take her job seriously, huh? I need a two-hour lunch.
I'm getting my tongue pierced.
- Doesn't that hurt? - Yeah.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Brad.
- How was the first day at the new job? - Unbelievable! I took in the highest first-day gross of any salesman still living with his parents.
- Ha-ha! That's my boy! - All right.
- Congratulations.
- And the best part is, he wants to give me more hours.
He wants me to work an extra two days a week.
Wow! Well, I guess that's OK, as long as you keep up with your schoolwork.
Don't forget, you've got a big day coming up in two weeks.
That's right! We're putting the engine in the hot rod.
Brad is taking his PSAT tests.
Oh, God, how I hated when those tests were over.
- The PSATs are really important.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure Rob'll give me the afternoon off.
He's a great guy.
I'll be back.
I gotta study brochures.
Wait! I thought we were gonna block-sand the hot rod.
No, I can't do it tonight, Dad.
Rob says if you want to get ahead, you've got to work while the other guy sleeps.
Well, maybe I'll wake the other guy up and he can help me.
- He sure likes that new boss of his.
- Why wouldn't he? I mean, Rob is 25.
He's got a ski condo, sports car, lots of girlfriends.
- Everything Brad wants.
- Everything I want.
Except the condo.
So, Jill, you in the mood for a little block-sanding tonight? Well, maybe.
If you spend some time talking to me first.
I'll do it myself.
There you go, ma'am.
Have a great day.
Psst.
Brad, you, uh, talk to Holly about going out with me? Yeah.
What'd she say? Her exact words were, "Jason is a repulsive maggot.
" Did she smile when she said it? - Holly! - You're a disgusting worm.
All right! I'm moving up the food chain.
Are you here again? No.
Well, I was just leaving, Rob, my man.
I'm off to the lingerie shop.
You never know when some young lady's gonna need a second opinion.
Let's go to lunch.
I'll take you to that place I tell you about.
Well, I sort of had plans.
But I could always cancel them.
Well, great.
Just let me tell Holly that we're going.
And remind her that this is a store and all these things are for sale.
Hey, Brad, I hope you're hungry.
Listen, would you mind if I canceled? Well, no.
What's the problem? Rob wants to take me to lunch and talk business.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
OK.
Yeah.
Where's he gonna take ya? To this place where the waitresses dress up like pirate wenches.
- Pirate's Plank.
- Yeah! Yeah.
Watch out for wench number three.
Her parrot arrh bites.
- So we can have lunch another time? - Yeah.
I'll get lunch someplace else.
See you home.
- All right.
- All right.
- Hey, Brad.
You ready to go? - Yeah.
- Are we gonna walk? - I got a Porsche.
- Got a permit? - Yeah.
- Then you drive.
- All right! Hi.
Where'd you go for lunch? Polish food.
Polish food from Stan's in Hamtramck.
Why didn't you and Brad just have lunch at the mall? He made plans to eat with Rob.
Wow! His boss is taking him out to lunch.
- This job is really working out.
- Maybe it's just me, but I think he's picking up a lot of bad habits down there.
- Noticed what he does in the morning? - Couldn't be any worse than you.
- Reading the financial section.
- What's wrong with that? You don't do that.
You read the sports section first.
Then the comics.
And then whatever that first section's called.
The news.
He's been reading those brochures.
He should be out doing fun things.
- Like what? - Well, like studying for those PT-109 tests.
Or helping you with the hot rod.
Jill, these are Brad's formative block-sanding years.
This is so sweet.
You're jealous of Rob.
I'm not jealous of Rob.
I just don't want Brad to become so obsessed with work - that it takes over his life.
- This is new and exciting to him now.
Once he gets used to it, he'll calm down.
Then it'll be part of his routine.
Yeah.
Kind of like marriage, huh? When you first get married, it's exciting.
Then it, you know You know, it turns It's not, you know, it's not It's not like that at all.
It's more It's not a job.
It's more of an adventure.
Why don't I get that? Hello? Hello, Angela.
You want to talk to Brad, huh? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh Listen, Angela.
I know I said I'd be free.
But, uh, Rob asked me to do inventory tonight.
I don't know.
Maybe next weekend.
Yeah.
All right.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Let me get this straight.
Rather than going out with a beautiful girl, you would rather count shoes.
It's a chance to really bump up my paycheck.
So, Dad, ballpark: How much are you pulling down? That's a good question.
And if you ever ask me again, you are out of the ballpark! When's dinner? And hello to you too.
We're gonna eat as soon as Brad gets back from his PMS test.
That's today? I mean, I just saw Brad through the window at the sporting goods store.
He was supposed to leave at noon to take the test.
Well, uh, maybe it wasn't through the window at the store.
Maybe I saw Brad through the window at school.
Yeah.
That's it.
He was taking the test.
He was doing well.
Gotta go.
- I knew this job was gonna be trouble.
- I can't believe he didn't take it.
Uh, Sports Universe.
This is Brad.
Uh, you're busted.
It's Dad.
What are you doing there? You're supposed to be taking your PSATs! Holly was supposed to take over for me at noon.
But she had to go to the doctor because she had a tongue rash.
We told you you could take this job as long as it didn't interfere with school.
Remember? Look, I can take the PSATs another day.
Rob never even went to college and he's doing pretty well.
I'm with a customer.
I'll talk to you later.
No, you'll.
.
He'll talk to us later.
Well, you're right.
Rob is definitely a bad influence.
- I told you he was gonna be trouble.
- Well, what are we gonna do? Well, since we're in the same house, I think the first step would be to stop talking on the phones.
Excuse me.
Whoa! Is Brad Taylor here? Is anybody really here? Or are we all just random combinations of sub-atomic particles? # Oooee-ooee-ooee # Follow me.
I'm looking for a random grouping of sub-atomic molecules with blond hair that looks like my son Brad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He went on an errand for my money-grubbing, capitalist brother.
I'll wait for him.
I'll sit in this fancy little chair here.
Yeah, you break it, you buy it.
Well, I see you've gotten to know the chair.
Actually, the chair just got to know me.
Howdy.
I'm Tim Taylor.
I'm Brad's dad.
- Hey, the Tool Man! - Yeah.
A chair like this would really come in handy after a hard day of injuries and explosions.
Well, I didn't come here to talk about chairs.
- I came here to talk to Brad.
- He's a great kid.
I'm Rob.
Yeah.
I know who you are, Rob.
You got the Porsche and the ski condo at Bowie Mountain, you know.
You think working here is more important than college tests.
What are you talking about? I never said that.
Well, then why did Brad skip his test to cover for jolly Holly over there? - I didn't know he had a test.
- Well, he did.
He doesn't care about that now that you got his head filled - with all these crazy ideas.
- Like what? Well, how about like, "Rob didn't go to college.
He's doing pretty well.
" Yeah, I'm doing pretty well now.
Brad doesn't know about the crummy jobs I had before I got here.
Well, maybe it'd be a good idea if you told him.
I spent two years cleaning bathrooms at Stan's Polish Restaurant in Hamtramck? You wouldn't believe what goes on in there.
Yeah, I would.
You know, I would never tell Brad that this job - is more important than college.
- Well, the problem is Dad, what are you doing here? I came down here to tell you I want you to quit this job.
Because I missed the PSATs? I told you I would take them another day.
Your dad wants to make sure you got priorities straight.
Rob, I think I can handle this.
I just want to make sure you got your priorities straight.
I was gonna say that.
There's nothing more important than education.
Your dad's right.
Wish I had a better one.
- Rob? - Sorry.
I'm pretty damn proud of my education.
Not that I flaunt it.
There's a lot of people I've got convinced I have no education at all.
All right.
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have skipped the test.
I didn't want to let Rob down.
Look, what would let me down is if you have to quit, I lose my best sales person.
If I cared, I'd resent that.
Look, you guys let me know what you decide, all right? I'm gonna go over and give Holly her annual evaluation.
You stink! Come on, Dad.
Give me one more chance.
I'll take my PSATs, I'll keep my grades up and I'll show you that school comes first.
Great.
Aren't you forgetting one important thing? - What Mom thinks? - Who? Mom? Yeah! Yes! Yes! What your mother thinks.
That, and you know, working on the hot rod with me.
OK, Dad.
I promise no matter how busy I get, I'll always make time for the hot rod.
That's my boy.
That's my man.
Come on.
I'll walk you out.
Hey, Wilson.
Well, hidy-ho, Taylor lads.
So, you given up on rollerblading yet? Nay, nay, neighbor.
I've been practicing all week.
And if I say so myself, the results have been bitchin', dude! - Do you really know how to skate? - Do I know how to skate? Watch me.
Wilson, that's amazing.
Is there anything you can't do? Yeah! I don't know how to stop! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa