Mike & Molly s06e11 Episode Script

1 Previously on Mike & Molly This is Frannie.
Former student of mine.
- She's homeless.
- And pregnant.
And she's telling us how she robs cars.
(car alarm chirps in the distance) You're gonna come home with me and you can stay there until we figure this out.
God, no, no, you don't have to do that.
I certainly am not gonna put you out on the street to raise a baby.
Oh, I'm-I'm not keeping the baby.
I'm giving it up.
Oh.
I want it to have a safe home and a chance at a good life.
I'll take it.
I'll take that baby.
I made a promise to you two.
If you want this baby half as much as I do, you are never gonna forgive yourself if you keep this promise.
We're still going to adopt.
There's a baby out there - with our name on it.
- Yeah.
Before you know it, we'll be up all hours of the night (chuckles) knee-deep in dirty diapers.
The good thing about adoption is we can all be part of the picking process.
No we can't.
Who said that? Hey, you always ask my opinion when we go shoe shopping.
How is this different? It's a human being.
Exactly.
Non-refundable.
I say we get a Sagittarius baby.
Anything but a Libra.
They're very unreliable.
Wait a minute, you're a Libra.
I guess this is my way of saying I can't drive you to the dentist tomorrow.
Hey.
None of you have a say in this, all right? Molly and I want another guy in the house.
Preferably a left-handed pitcher who's got a little movement on his splitter.
I don't remember having that conversation.
You said "healthy baby" that's where my head went.
This is the color I was talking about.
- Color for what? - The baby.
I was thinking we could go with a nice caramel coffee.
Aw, and he matches the drapes.
Great, so I'll just tell the people at the adoption agency that we're looking for a left-handed, Sagittarius, baby boy that doesn't clash with the curtains.
Hey, wait a minute.
A lot of great pitching's been coming out of Latin America.
That's him right there.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love I feel like an idiot.
I'm the only guy here with a tie.
No, you look handsome and that tie may be just the thing that gives us the baby edge over all these other couples.
Well, the tie ain't gonna help if it's between us and Tom Brady and Gazelle over there.
Ah, look at him, huh? Got the hands of a quarterback, and the teeth of a game show host.
I'm more worried about these two suck ups over here, - Damn it, should we pray, too? - It's It's too late, they're already working that shtick.
Well, I think we should talk game plan before we go in there.
- I say we play it calm.
- (sighs) If we seem too eager, they're gonna try to unload a lemon on us.
Okay, you know we're trying to get a baby, not a used Chevy.
Yeah, I'm just saying.
I mean, if they try to give us a hard sell, we got to be prepared to walk.
I bet we can get a good one online.
Okay, Mike, we need to forget this and just be ourselves.
And show these people that we are good and honest and we're not into playing silly games, we just want a baby.
Molly Flynn and Mike Biggs? Oh, God who art in heaven.
Hallowed be thy name.
Just give us a second, we're speaking with our Lord.
(chuckles) Did I mention I was Teacher of the Year? You did.
Brought home the Golden Apple twice.
I don't know if it matters, but it's never been done before or since.
And, uh, I am a decorated police officer.
Most traffic tickets given in the month of June.
Sorry if you got caught up in that, just doing my job.
(both laughing nervously) Well, thank you both for coming in.
Wait, the interview's over? It is.
Oh, did-did I happen to mention that I memorized Good Night Moon? "In the great, green room there was a there was a balloon, and, um" There's a I know there's-there's bears and, there's, like, a bowl of por there's mush! I know there's mush.
You don't need to do that.
Listen, I may have been playing this too cool.
We really want to make this happen.
- Yeah.
- Get your manager.
We're ready to leave here with a baby today.
Today.
Don't worry.
You guys did very well.
I think you're perfect candidates for adoption.
- Oh, that's great.
- (sighs) Thank you so much.
So, the next thing for us to do is schedule a home visit.
Whose home? Your home.
Y-you mean where we live? Yes, we just need to meet all of your family members and make sure it's a healthy environment for a child.
Is there a day that works better than the others? Nope.
I'm telling you, something ain't right back there.
Are we looking at the pimple or the spider bite? 'Cause either way, we need to call the dermatologist or the Orkin man.
I'm looking at this raised mole.
Looks like you slept on a Milk Dud.
Whatever it is, it's throbbing.
Press them one at a time when I scream, you'll know.
Hey.
VICTORIA: There they are.
Where's my grand-baby? We were just cleaning up my saddle for piggyback rides.
Okay, well, we're not quite there yet.
However, she did say that Mike and I were excellent candidates for an adoption.
- Oh, that's wonderful! - Come on.
- Yay! I knew it! I knew it! Yeah, but, you know, we still have a pretty big hurdle to get over, actually.
Three of 'em.
(chuckle) (Molly clears her throat) Yeah, what Mol is saying is that there are some other aspects of the house that we have to make more presentable.
Are you talking about the dust bunnies under my bed? More like the weed bunny that sleeps on top of it.
Um Look, we we love you so much and we would never want to change anything about you, except, on Saturday, when we need to change everything about you.
Not everything.
Just the, uh the drugs and the drinking and the filthy language.
That is everything.
Well, then that's what we're asking you to do.
- Sure.
- All right.
- Okay.
Wait, really? It's a little insulting, but it makes a lot of sense.
We should start by getting rid of all the booze.
- To the baby.
- To the baby! - To the baby! I'm telling you, Molly's family has been taking this like champs.
They even let us do a full sweep of their bedrooms.
You find anything? We found everything.
Pot, illegal prescription pills, fireworks.
It's like searching a car coming back from Tijuana.
Hey, uh, by the way, it'd be great if you could come by the house on Saturday, too.
Might help the adoption lady to see how diverse my friends are.
Diverse? Come on, you know what I mean? I certainly do.
It's the "Oh, some of my best friends are black" line.
Yeah, but in my case, that's actually true, see? So, if that somehow puts me in a better light, that's on society, not me.
And you want to exploit that.
Yes, I do.
For a baby.
Man, how can I say no to that? You can't because you're my best friend.
And we're right back where we started.
Ah.
Uh, what time did you say you wanted me there on Saturday? Seriously? It's not what you think.
I invited Samuel because he's foreign.
Gives me a little international flavor.
4:00.
Isn't it a little premature to be setting up the crib? Like lighting a bong before you load the bowl.
Okay.
Now, I love your colorful analogies, but when the adoption lady comes, let's keep those all in here, so they never come out here.
Relax.
I'll have her take a Xanax before they get here.
No, no pills, no booze, no weed.
It's like a mother-daughter detox.
It'll be fun.
Fine, but if I'm not drinking, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
Hey, trust me.
The second that adoption lady is out the door, I'll be elbow-deep in mojitos, but until then, we've got to prove that this house is safe, and secure, and baby ready.
What are you talking about? This is the same house you two grew up in and you both survived.
Yeah, "survived," which implies a chance of death.
I admit, you girls had some close calls.
Remember the fort you made out of that old fridge? Was that the day I blacked out and met the fireman? One of 'em.
Okay, no childhood stories.
Actually, you know what? Let's make it easy.
No stories at all.
It's starting to sound like you don't want us to say anything.
See? Victoria gets it.
Now, come on, these adoption people are trained to-to see hazards that we're not even aware of.
I mean, uncovered outlets and sharp table corners, and, look.
Look at these seashells.
What do you see? A crappy Christmas gift from Mom.
Yes, but, to a baby? This is a fun thing to put in your mouth.
(choking) Mol! (coughs) (gasps) (raspy): I think I made my point.
Okay, Victoria, blouse.
Carl, gum.
- (spits) - Okay.
Now, the adoption lady's name is Karen.
She is very nice.
There are gonna be times where your instinct will be to talk to her.
Ignore those instincts.
I think my neck size has changed since I bought this shirt 15 years ago.
- Can you breathe? - Yeah.
You're fine.
I told you to go with the open shirt and scarf, like Jon Voight.
Quit trying to make me Jon Voight.
I'll never be Jon Voight! Okay, here we go.
Ooh.
Don't mind if I do.
I do, so don't.
But I just wanted a jicama stick.
No don't, they're stacked perfectly.
- Relax, I'm good at Jenga.
- Hey! Hands off the jicama.
MOLLY: Thank you.
Okay, now before we get started, I-I just want you all to know that I love you - Hmm.
- Very much, and if any one of you screws me out of getting my hands on a baby (quietly): there we will be blood.
(doorbell rings) (gasps) Okay.
Smiles everyone.
Let's have fun.
Hello.
(all groaning) You're late.
For some reason, you asked the only person coming on bicycle to bring ice.
You only brought one bag? Just get in here and take a seat with the rest of the ding-dongs.
- (door slams) - (doorbell rings) Hello! Look who it is.
What a pleasant surprise.
Okay, Joyce.
I noticed your home has a nice-sized backyard.
Thank you.
I think what my mother is trying to say is that it will be a wonderful place for our child to play.
Thank you.
Jicama stick? Oh, no thank you.
You sure? Maybe just one so, you know, - we can all get started.
- (Molly laughs nervously) Carl, you know that no one here needs permission to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres.
(all murmuring in excitement) Uh, Karen, I don't know if you noticed, but the backyard is safely fenced in.
It was built with the help of my two main men here: Carl and Samuel.
Mm-hmm.
Mike and I have been partners for years.
And we live together.
- But not as a couple.
- Yeah.
We're not gay, we're just here 'cause we're black.
Oh, God.
And I'm here 'cause I'm the sister.
Which makes me the aunt.
That's all I'm allowed to say.
(chuckles nervously) Okay, well, now that you've met the whole gang, why don't I take you upstairs and show you where the baby's gonna sleep.
Sounds good.
Excuse me.
I think you dropped a $100 bill.
No, I-I didn't.
You sure? People lose track of stuff all the time.
$100 bills Third World babies.
It's mine.
Thank you for your honesty.
Okay, uh, here is the crib where the baby will sleep.
It got five stars for safety and, I'll tell you what, if there's a tornado, forget the basement, I'm riding out the storm in this son of a gun.
(both chuckle) Well, I can see you've done a lot of work and research.
Oh, believe me, we are prepared.
We're serious buyers.
We're not just looky-loos.
KAREN: Good to know.
Now, can I see the room the baby will stay in when it outgrows the crib? Oh.
Oh, we really hadn't thought about that yet.
Um, is-is that an issue? Well, I only ask because (mouthing) It seems like you already have a pretty full house here.
Five people living in a three bedroom home.
May I say something? No.
I myself was raised in a two bedroom, with three brothers, two sisters, my Grammy, Mom, Dad, and Uncle Sal, who I later learned was my real father.
A small house actually brought us closer together.
Especially Mom and Uncle Sal.
Isn't the plight of the Italian immigrant fascinating? - Isn't it? - What he's saying is kids don't need that much space.
Molly slept in a drawer for two years before we moved in here.
One room.
When my husband and I wanted to have sex, we just closed the drawer.
Aw, closed the drawer.
I'm sorry.
We just want to make sure we're finding the best homes for our babies.
Oh.
(chuckles) Well, look no further, 'cause this house is filled with nothing but love.
It's true and he should know, he used to be my lover.
Oh, those were good times.
The pleasure was worth the pain.
I'd do it all over again.
- Not here.
Not now! - Okay, okay, okay.
Look, Karen, I I realize that this isn't the biggest house and maybe space will be an issue down the road, but don't you think it's more important that you have two people here that-that really, truly love each other? Yeah, we are totally committed to creating a healthy and safe environment for this child.
I promise you, we will take good care of it.
Wow.
What horrible timing.
Okay, well, she didn't say no.
She didn't say anything, she just ran out.
Maybe she was in a hurry to approve us.
We guillotined a baby doll.
The worst part is I can't even blame my family for all this.
I can.
All right, maybe they didn't exactly help, but we did this to ourselves.
I mean, why couldn't I just let Carl have some jicama? (laughs) You were nervous, and it just shows how important this whole thing is to you.
And you.
It'll happen when it happens.
Until that time comes, we'll we'll just enjoy our time together.
To us.
- To us.
- (bottles clink) I want a baby so damn bad.
(quietly): Me, too.
(sighs) God, look at all the jicama.
I'm a monster.
Jicama.
That's a weird word, jicama.
Jicama! Are you drunk? Yes.
I'm drunk-ama.
VICTORIA: Molly, is that you? Yeah.
VICTORIA: Come up to my room.
You got to see what we did.
Maybe they finally got that thing off of Vince's back.
I hope so, looks like he's sleeping on a Milk Dud.
(giggles) (knocks) Ta-da! Oh, my God, what did you do? Welcome to the nursery.
Don't worry, I fixed the crib.
It was missing a screw and you put the rail in upside down, which created an instrument of death.
But other than that, you did a great job.
And I'm moving to the basement.
I'm thinking circular couch, lots of pillows.
I want that whole I Dream of Jeannie bottle vibe.
This is the sweetest, most amazing thing anybody has ever done for us.
I mean Oh! Mike, look, tiny socks.
You know how I'm always saying I want to move the hell out of this house? (chuckling): I don't want to go anywhere.
I love you weirdos.
Are you drunk? Yeah, it's really hitting me.
I got to say, I appreciate you being so thorough and open.
Most couples hoping to adopt aren't as forthcoming.
Well, we're new to this agency and we just want you to know who we are, warts and all.
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, all we can do is be honest with our answers and hope for the best.
WOMAN: Well, you're doing great.
So, about your living situation - We live alone.
- Just the two of us.