Rules of Engagement s06e11 Episode Script

I'll have an egg white omelette with spinach and tomatoes.
And I will have a regular omelette with ham and cheese.
And can you take the yolks that you don't use in hers and then put them in mine? When your heart explodes, try not to fall into my breakfast.
Egg whites and veggies? I'm not dying in that crap.
Oh, hey, isn't that the new couple that just moved into our building? The Harrises? It is, good catch.
What is wrong with you? You know that I don't like other people.
Yeah, well, other people feel the same about you.
I'm gonna go say hi, and by the way, that little menu is no match for your enormous head.
Hey, hey.
Check out what I got Jen for our four-year anniversary.
Of what, the first time you did it? No, of the night we met.
Twas the same night.
Yeah, she did not make me earn it.
Okay, look.
Four flavors of popcorn.
One for each year we've been together.
- Nice.
- Huh? She is one lucky lady.
You wanna give me a handful of cheddar? No, no, no, no, no.
Then the quadrants won't be even.
Come on, give me some, I need it.
You sound like Jen the night we met.
Hey, guess what, we're having dinner with them tomorrow night.
Come on, you couldn't get out of that? No, I'm the one who suggested it.
Great, fine, I will eat, but don't expect me to turn on the charm.
I'm pretty sure that switch has been locked in the off position.
What's with all the popcorn? Oh, it's an anniversary gift for Jen.
Huh.
Guess there are worse things than forgetting.
Mr.
Dunbar? I can't believe I'm down here with the mole people.
Sir, the subway is the lifeblood of the city, where thousands of lives intersect before radiating outward in a thousand different directions.
It smells funny.
You might just be catching blowback from your axe body wash.
That could be it.
I smell wee-wee.
We're cabbing it.
And then we did the whole, you know, share desserts thing before calling it a night.
So long story short, we had a great evening.
Long story short would have been we had fun with the Harrises.
Yours was a long story longer.
Well, it sounds like it was a success.
Mr.
people person over here even asked if we could get together this evening.
I asked Jane, she thought that they had other plans but then Paul reminded her that they didn't, so we made a date.
Seeing 'em again tonight.
Boom, four words.
I got four words: I want a divorce.
"Divorce me" would be shorter.
Anyway, who knew we'd find a couple in the building we both like hanging out with? We live in the building.
Oh, no, Jeff didn't mean that.
What did I mean? Fine, guess we won't invite them over to eat popcorn.
Ugh.
Enough with the popcorn.
What? What, honey, I thought you liked it.
It was okay at first but I'm so sick of it.
I keep finding it everywhere.
The sofa, the bed, the shower I want it out of the house.
Fine, if it goes, then I go.
Well, I mean, and then when it's gone, I'll come back.
Hello? Oh, hey, Jane.
How are you? Oh, uh, no, that's fine.
We'll just get together another time.
Talk to you later.
Aw, they had to cancel tonight.
Paul just got the stomach flu.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah.
I guess we'll just pick up a pizza.
Oh, great, so we can just sit home by ourselves eating stupid pizza, staring at the walls.
Hey, why don't the four of us do something? Sorry, buddy, pizza night.
Here's your lunch.
Come on.
You're not still mad you missed out on hammering that subway chick.
I wasn't looking to hammer anyone.
This woman and I, we shared a connection.
I felt it.
Yeah, in your hammer.
Who's to say what might have happened? Sir, you may have just cost me the romance of a lifetime.
Keep your diaper on, cupid.
Fortunately, I've decided to take matters into my own hands.
Ooh, well, take that into the men's room.
Or at least the stairwell.
As I find myself saying far too often in the workplace, I'm not talking about masturbation.
I've posted the particulars of my encounter with that woman on missed connections.
What's missed connections? It's a website where people who shared a romantic moment can try to reconnect.
Well, I love to burst your bubble, so I will.
There's no such thing as love at first sight.
And what do you know about it? You know, one time I was lucky enough to see the most beautiful woman in the world.
I locked eyes with her and then She was gone.
You ran out of quarters? Did I tell you this story? You know what, I'm gonna help you find this girl just to prove there's no such thing as love at first sight.
Ah, this must be the mentoring I was promised all those years ago.
Hey, dudes.
Hi.
Anyone want a little popcorn? Or as the Indians call it, pop-maize? - Is that true? - Mm-hmm.
Not that kind of Indian.
I've got some very important business to take care of.
Should I forward your calls to the stairwell? Nope, no interruptions.
Hi, uh, I'd like a small cheeseless vegetarian pizza, and for my husband, a large meat-lover's pizza.
And I promised to ask, could you please take the cheese from my pizza that you don't use and put it on his.
Jane? Hey, Paul, looks like you're feeling better.
Uh, what? Remember about how I told Audrey that you weren't feeling well? Oh right, right.
Jane said it was the stomach flu.
Oh yeah.
Oh, why am I eating pizza? Uh, I'm sorry, is there something going on here? Are you guys blowing us off? Look, we had a great time the other night.
It's just Thanks, hon.
Uh, you know how couples get together and sometimes it's not exactly Like, the group chemistry I mean, don't get me wrong.
We really enjoyed hanging out with you O kay.
It's Jeff.
I I mean, we didn't want to say anything.
No, it's fine, I get it.
Believe me, I get it.
Hey, listen, how about the three of us hang out the next time Jeff goes out of town? Oh, does he travel a lot? No They gave me your extra cheese, right? They had to clear it with the manager, but, yes.
Hey, you don't have any big conferences coming up, do you? We got one at the end of the month.
Really? Ah.
Out of town? No, everyone's coming here.
Mm, not yet.
Yo, I was thinking, when someone suddenly has the flu, doesn't that sound like a blow-off? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe.
Let's not worry about it.
Yeah.
Although, I gotta say, if it was a blow-off, I think this one's on you.
Excuse me? They may have been a little put off.
You were trying really hard.
I'll work on that.
And those work stories you tell.
Paging Dr.
Boring.
You're needed to anesthetize the evening.
Jeff, I I really think you should let it go.
I would, Aud, but you could learn something here.
When you try too hard, it turns people off.
Okay, all right.
Fine, listen.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
But I ran into the Harrises at the pizza place.
And they did blow us off.
You wanna know why? Because of you.
- What about me? - Uh, well, they didn't say.
But I have some theories.
Hmm, it might have been the way that you cram an entire meal into one disgusting bite.
Or, uh, maybe it was your ten-minute rant on the mets' bullpen in response to Jane saying she doesn't really follow baseball.
I thought that meant she was curious.
Or maybe it was your 9% tip.
I'm sorry you thought I was showboating, but she was a great waitress.
Hello? Thank you.
I'm quite positive you're not the one I saw, sir.
Okay, so I was hoping to hit the drum circle again today.
I couldn't find my guys.
Don't care.
Well, so I thought I'd try to find them using that missed connections website.
You know, like Like Timmy did.
Yeah, still don't care.
Here's what I'm gonna post: "30-year-old man seeking young ethnic boys.
" All right, sort of care now.
"We hooked up yesterday "for some sweet banging and jamming.
And I'm looking to get it on again.
" So you see nothing wrong with that? Oh, my God, you're right.
Mm-hmm.
I almost forgot to put my contact information.
Hey.
Hey, Jeff, how you doing, buddy? Jane, Paul.
All right.
So Apparently I'm not your cup of tea.
- Oh, my God, did Audrey - No, it's okay.
I I was just wondering, uh, what about me specifically was not to your liking? Look, Audrey kinda put us on the spot.
All right, we didn't know what to say.
But Thanks, hon.
Well, the truth of the matter is It was really Audrey that we felt like we didn't quite click with.
Yes, but please don't tell Audrey.
We don't wanna hurt her feelings.
No.
Nor would I.
It was you.
It was you they hated.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
I am not.
I can't believe you need a key card to get in the stairwell.
Thanks to you, every freak on the subway has called me offering to do unspeakable things.
Once again, sir, you've turned my life into a living hell.
I was just trying to help you find the girl.
Right, just so that you could prove there's no such thing as love at first sight.
I'm going home now, sir.
Another night Another chance for me to die in my sleep from an undetected carbon monoxide leak.
Before you go Yes.
She's in there.
Who is? The chick you saw.
What? That is her.
She responded to your ridiculous subway ad? No, uh, it was that thing you posted on missed connections.
And to think you didn't believe it could happen.
Well, despite that lump of coal in your boyish little chicken chest, you'll see that romance ultimately wins out.
Hi.
Hi.
It's so nice to see you again.
I'm sorry, who are you? Um, I I'm Timmy.
You you know, we saw each other on the subway.
Oh, no.
You're not the guy that I saw.
So, um Y you weren't looking at me? Couldn't help but overhear.
She wasn't looking at you.
I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding.
Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.
I'm Russell.
Please, sir, I beg of you, don't say You know, Tim I wanted to teach you something.
But in all actuality, you taught me something.
Now I do believe in love at first sight.
Because I love what I just saw.
Too good.
I'm just telling you what they said, so don't shoot the messenger.
Who they like better than you.
They were trapped in an elevator with you.
Said whatever they thought would save them from getting eaten.
Well, you had them cornered in that pizza place, probably threatened to tell them that story again about who stole your yogurt at work.
Okay.
That is a good story with a surprise twist.
Surprise! I just wasted five minutes of your life.
Face it, Jeff.
I didn't blow this for us You did.
There's only one way to be sure.
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you.
We need you to settle something for us.
Yeah.
So it turns out they hated both of us.
Yep, they found me pushy.
I've got the table manners of a chimp.
Oh, plus you're cheap.
Oh, and we're too critical of each other.
Which makes people uncomfortable.
Although that one's more you.
Oh, try a breath mint.
Well, at least you have each other.
- And us.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's an embarrassment.
Of riches? Sure.
And then, when she said she was looking at the other guy Whoo.
You should have seen the light die in little Tim's eyes.
"Don't go to New York," they said.
"The people aren't nice," they said.
Adam Rhodes? Yes? Did you post a solicitation on missed connections? Yeah, hey, is everything okay? Did you find my boys? Sir, we need you to come with us.
Yeah, sure, anything I can do to help.
Can't wait to play with those boys again.
Let's go.