Seinfeld s06e11 Episode Script

The Christmas tree seems to inspire a love-hate relationship.
All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it and then a week after, it's just thrown somewhere.
You see it by the side of the road.
It looks like a mob hit.
The car slows down, the door opens, and this tree just rolls out.
People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor.
They just wake up one morning and go: "Oh, my God, there's a tree inside the house.
Just throw it anywhere.
" Ready to go, Lois? Boy, you sure like to say my name, don't you? Excuse me, Lois.
Stand back, Lois.
Jimmy's in trouble, Lois.
Oh, Mr.
Meyer, this is my friend Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld.
- Duncan Meyer.
- You two know each other? - Yeah.
We went to high school together, didn't we, Jerry? - Yeah, yeah.
- Gee, I hope you're not leaving now.
We still have a lot of work left to do.
Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour and pick me up? Why, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
No.
No, this is all wrong.
- Where's the chicken cashew? - You no order chicken cashew.
No, I didn't order any of this.
I'm not paying for this.
Fine, Benes.
We're putting you on our list.
- What list? - The do-not-deliver list.
Merry Christmas to you.
- Well, I guess we'll just go out.
- Yeah.
What are you doing with the Daily Worker? I figure Ned must have left it here.
Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he, a Communist? He reads everything.
You know, Ned's very well-read.
Maybe he's just very, well, Red.
A Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told me? Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive-colored clothing? Yes.
Yes, he does dress a little drab.
He's a Communist.
Hey, look at this.
"Exciting, uninhibited woman seeks forward-thinking comrade.
Appearance not important.
" Appearance not important? This is unbelievable.
Finally, this an ideology I can embrace.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Where's Lois? - She couldn't make it.
I can't believe you're going out with a woman named Lois.
I know.
Finally.
But, George, guess who her boss is? - Duncan Meyer.
- Duncan Meyer? - Who's he? - Elaine only one person knows what I'm about to tell you and that's George.
In the ninth grade they had us all line up in the schoolyard for this race to see who would represent the school in this track meet.
I was the last one on the end, George was next to me and Mr.
Bevilaqua - What's that? - Mr.
Bevilaqua, the gym teacher.
- Oh, of course.
- He was down at the other end.
So he yells out, "Ready.
On your mark.
Get set " And I was so keyed up, I just took off.
By the time he said, "Go," I was ten yards ahead.
- No.
- I looked up.
I couldn't believe it.
By the time the race was over, I had won.
I was shocked.
- Nobody had noticed the head start.
- Really? Yes.
And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed.
Only Duncan suspected something was amiss.
He's hated me ever since.
And now he's back.
Well, what happened when you raced him again? I never did.
In four years of high school, I would never race anyone not even to the end of a block or to catch a bus.
And so the legend grew.
Everyone wanted me to race.
They begged me.
The track coach called my parents, pleading, telling them it was a sin for me to waste my God-given talent.
But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone.
I choose not to run.
So now Duncan is back? He's back.
As I knew he would be someday.
Man, that's some tart cider.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry I missed the Chinese food.
- Oh, so am I.
How's Duncan? He's okay.
He say anything? About what? Oh, nothing in particular.
- Why did you cheat in that race? - I did not cheat.
He said that you got a head start.
Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second.
- Really? - Yeah.
So you were the fastest kid in school.
Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
So how was work? Another day, another dollar? - I guess.
- Yeah, well, nothing wrong with that.
Gotta make those big bucks.
Money, money, money.
Are you a Communist? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
A commie.
Must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the Soviet empire and everything.
Well, yeah.
Well, we still got China, Cuba.
Yeah, but come on.
- I know.
It's not the same.
- Well, you had a good run.
I mean, what was it? Seventy-five, making everybody nervous.
Yeah, we had a good run.
Well, so enjoy yourself.
So you lied to her? I couldn't tell her the truth.
I don't know what's gonna happen between us.
If we have a bad breakup, she'll go to Duncan.
I want him to go to his grave never being certain that I got that head start.
Well, I'm dating a Communist.
- A Communist? That's something.
- Yeah, that's pretty cool, isn't it? Hey, I called one of those girls from the personal ads in the Daily Worker.
- The Daily Worker has personals? - Yeah.
And they say that appearance is not important.
Yours or hers? Merry Christmas, everyone.
- Merry Christmas.
- Well, look at you.
- You got the job.
- You're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department Store.
- All right.
Way to go.
- Congratulations.
Yeah.
Feel that, isn't it great? Look, it's Mickey.
Come on.
Get your beard on.
We're gonna be late.
On Prancer.
On Dasher.
On Donna.
It's not Donna.
It's Donner.
- It's Donna.
- Right.
On Prancer.
On Dancer.
On Ethel.
On Harriet.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Lois.
He wants to get together? What for? I don't know about that.
I'll have to think about it.
- I'll let you know.
Okay.
Bye.
- What's up? Duncan wants to get together with me and her.
He's gonna try to get me to admit I got a head start.
I don't think she believes me.
He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what.
I'll show up.
He doesn't know we're friends.
I'll pretend I haven't seen you since school.
I'll back up the story.
- That's not bad.
- Not bad? It's gorgeous.
Well, come on, little princess, tell Santa what you want.
- Don't be shy.
- She doesn't speak English.
Oh, Santa speaks the language of all children.
Hey, Mickey, when do we get a break? My lap is killing me.
- There is no break.
- This is like a sweatshop.
- Kramer.
- Hey, hey, hey.
There's a Natalie on line two.
- Natalie? - From the Daily Worker.
Thank you.
Hello.
Yes, Natalie.
Well, yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se.
I'm here working for the people.
Yes, I'm causing dissent stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system.
- Elaine.
- Arlene.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Doing a little Christmas shopping? - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, this is Ned.
He's a Communist.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Big Communist.
Big, big Communist.
- It was awfully nice to see you.
- Yeah, see you later.
- Okey-dokey.
Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Listen, as long as we're here what do you say we do a little shirt-shopping? Out of the question.
- Kramer.
- Oh, hi.
Hi.
Hi, Mickey.
How are you? - This is Ned.
- Oh, hey.
How are you doing there, buddy? Hey, you guys stay here, okay? I'll be right back.
Right back.
Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing.
Boy, I am hoed out.
- Anyone who works here is a sap.
- Hey, watch it, pal.
Whoa, whoa, easy.
Come on, come on.
What's the matter with you? The Santas at Bloomfields are making double what you are.
- Double? - I bet the glue from that beard itches.
You've got that straight.
So when you get a rash all over your face you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan? Look, you take that commie crap out to the street.
I've got literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking.
- Talk to me.
- Don't listen to him.
You've got a good job here.
There's just no way you could've beaten me by that much.
I had already beaten you in junior high school three times.
I didn't hit puberty till the ninth grade.
That's what gave me my speed.
Besides, if I got a head start, why didn't Mr.
Bevilaqua stop the race? - That's what I've always wondered.
- Well Oh, my God.
No.
Oh, my God.
Jerry.
I'm sorry.
George.
- George Costanza.
- Oh, George Costanza.
- Kennedy High.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- This is unbelievable.
- Hi, George.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
It starts with a Duncan.
That's right.
Wow, this is something.
I haven't seen you guys in, what, 20 years? - This is Lois.
- Hi, there.
What have you been doing with yourself? Well, I'm a comedian.
Well, I really wouldn't know about that.
I don't watch much TV.
I like to read.
What do you do? A lot of that did-you-ever-notice stuff? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you really went bald there, didn't you? - Yeah, yeah.
- You used to really have a thick, full head of hair.
- Yeah, yeah.
Poof.
Yeah, well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28 right around the time I made my first million.
Yeah.
You know, it's true what they say.
- The first million is the hardest one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What do you do? - I'm an architect.
Have you designed any buildings in New York? Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? - You did that? - Yep, yep.
Really didn't take very long either.
Well, you've really built yourself up into something.
I had a dream, Jerry.
You know, one can't help but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this.
Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.
You got a hole in your sneaker there.
What is that, canvas? Yeah, my driver is waiting so I really should get running.
Good to see you guys again.
George, George, hang on a second because we haven't seen you in so long.
I thought we might reminisce.
Duncan and I were just talking about the day of the big race.
Oh, the big race.
Yes, yes.
- You were there? - Oh, sure, sure.
I certainly was.
Yeah, I remember that day.
Well, I'll never forget it because that was the day that I lost my virginity to Miss Stafford the voluptuous homeroom teacher.
- Miss Stafford? Yes, yes.
You know, I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the board.
- George.
- But I digress.
Let me see.
I remember you were standing at one end of the line.
I was right next to you and I remember we were even for the first five yards and then You were gone.
- Did I get a head start? - Head start? Oh, no.
Absolutely not.
No.
You satisfied? So you see? No.
I'm still not convinced, and I never will be.
Why don't the two of you just race again? - That's a good idea.
- No, no, no.
Another race.
Out of the question.
You've been saying that for 20 years.
You know you can't beat me.
You couldn't beat me then, and you can't beat me now.
Race him, Jerry.
Race him.
All right.
I'll do it.
The race is on.
- You're gonna race him? - Yeah.
And he's calling all these people from high school to come and watch.
I knew this day would come.
I can't.
I can't go through with it.
I'm calling it off.
I can't let the legend die.
It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus.
Each according to his ability, to each according to his means.
What does that mean? Well, if you got means and ability, that's a pretty good combination.
So what if I wanna open a delicatessen? There are no delicatessens under Communists.
Whoa, why not? Well, because the meats are divided into a class system.
You've got pastrami and corned beef in one and salami and bologna in another.
Not right.
So you can't get corned beef? Well, you know, if you're in the politburo, maybe.
Yeah, this is George Costanza.
Any messages for me? Why does Mr.
Steinbrenner wanna see me in his office? Communist? I'm not a Communist.
All right.
All right.
I'll be there.
My secretary told Mr.
Steinbrenner I'm a Communist.
Now he wants to see me.
You'll just explain to him that you're not a Communist.
You just called the woman for a date.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Duncan.
No.
Four o'clock tomorrow that is not going to work.
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because I choose not to run.
I'm sorry, Elaine.
This shirt's too fancy.
Just because you're a Communist, you can't wear anything nice? - You look like Trotsky.
- Good.
Fine.
You wanna be a Communist? Be a Communist.
Can't you at least look like a successful Communist? All right.
I'll try it on.
- I'm gonna order Chinese food.
- You're ordering from Hop Sing's? Does it have to be Hop Sing's? I kind of had a fight with them.
Elaine, when my father was blacklisted he couldn't work for years.
He and his friends used to sit in Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive.
- Your father was blacklisted? - Yes, he was.
And you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted.
- They named names.
- Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, hi.
I'd like a delivery, please to 16 West 75th Street.
Apartment 2G.
I know that address.
You're Benes, right? You're on our list.
No more deliveries! No, no.
She doesn't live here anymore.
This is someone else.
Oh, yeah? What's the name? Why do you need a name? You already have the address.
We need a name.
Give us a name.
Okay, okay.
Ned Isaacoff.
I want a racing car set.
A racing car set? Listen.
You don't want that.
Those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you.
And these Coleman pigs, they sell it for triple the cost.
- But I want a racing car set.
- No.
Don't you see, kid? You're being bamboozled.
These capitalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys.
- Hey, this guy is a commie! - Hey, kid, quiet.
Where did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Commie, commie, traitor to our country.
Santa is not a commie.
He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this, didn't he, Santa? Is there a problem here? This guy's a commie, and he's spreading propaganda.
Oh, yeah? Well, that's enough, pinko.
You're through.
The both of you.
- I got two kids in college.
- Oh, you can't fire me.
I'm Santa.
Not anymore.
Get your skinny ass out of here! Hi, how are you? Fine.
What's the matter? I just spoke to Duncan.
He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me.
What? He can't do that.
Yes, he can.
He controls the means of production.
What are you gonna do, Jerry? Don't worry, Lois.
I'll think of something.
I knew it was you.
You tried to trick Hop Sing.
You're on our list.
Elaine Benes.
And now you're on our list.
Ned Isaacoff.
You got me blacklisted at Hop Sing's? She named name.
You wanted to see me, Mr.
Steinbrenner? Yes, George, I did.
Come in, come in.
George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist.
A Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
A Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization.
- Sir? - You could be invaluable to this franchise.
There's a southpaw nobody's been able to get a look at.
Something-Rodriguez.
I don't really know his name.
Get yourself to Havana right away.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
- Do my best.
- Good.
Merry Christmas, George.
Bring me back some cigars in the cedar boxes.
The ones with the fancy rings.
Love those rings.
They distract you while you're smoking.
The red and yellow are nice.
Looks good against the brown of the cigar.
I like the maduro wrapper.
The darker, the better.
That's what I say.
The claro's good too.
That's more of a pale brown.
Almost like a milky coffee.
I find the ring size very confusing.
They have it in centimeters, which I don't understand.
- That was great.
Nice job, Santa.
- Yeah.
I knew that stuff was gonna get us in trouble.
Well, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue.
Communism.
You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think's been going on in the world for the past 50 years? - Wake up and smell the coffee.
- I guess I screwed up! Oh, you sure did.
Big time.
How do you feel? I need a miracle.
Now you're gonna see what kind of a liar you're mixed up with.
Well, if he beats you, I want a big raise.
If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks.
I parked in front.
As soon as this race is over, we gotta go to the airport.
Yeah.
I'll be there.
You ready, boys? - Yeah, Mr.
Bevilaqua.
- This is the way it's gonna work.
You take your marks.
I say, "Ready, on your mark, get set" and then fire.
You got it? - Yes, Mr.
Bevilaqua.
- Yes, Mr.
Bevilaqua.
- Come on, Jerry.
- Come on, Jerry.
Ready.
On your mark.
Jerry.
So will you come to Hawaii with me, Jerry? Maybe I will, Lois.
Maybe I will.
You wanted to see me, el presidente? Come here.
I understand you are very interested in one of our players.
Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request.
But I have heard you are, how you say, communista simpatico.
Well, good.
Then you can have your pick.
They will play for your Yankees.
And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential Palace.
There will be girls there.
And I hear some pretty good food.
Of course, the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up, which I don't care for.
But on the other hand, I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either.
Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano.
If I had not been a dictator I would not have been able to get away with that one.