Bob's Burgers s06e12 Episode Script
Stand by Gene
I'm bored.
Somebody do something interesting.
Well, wait till you see our new handshake.
Up top, time to mop.
And Bop! It isn't ready yet.
Yeah, it is pretty slow today.
You guys want to take the day off, maybe? Go have some fun How'd you get to the door so fast? Adios! Later! Bye! I just said it.
Be back in time to help clean up after closing.
Aw, if you two would move a little faster, we wouldn't have heard that.
But you did and now you got to help.
Hey! These are all stained.
I told the kids not to store the napkins under the sink.
They're all ruined.
On the plus side, you made three in a row.
I know.
Watch this.
Sky hook! Ah! So what do you say normal day off stuff? Or we could try something new? Hitch hike to Myrtle Beach? Meet all the Myrtles? No, no, no, no.
Let's stick with the tried and true.
We look for loose change under the pier, use that to buy some Fortune Fudge, then ride the Zany Plane inverted throw up, and do it all over again? You really like getting your inverted on, huh? I'm developing a taste for it.
We've already inverted ourselves twice this month.
When is enough enough?! When we're out of throw up? Yes.
Found another quarter! Two dimes and six pennies for me! I always get the worst section! Nothing but bottle caps and Band-Aids! - No way.
- Yes way.
A two-butted goat? Impossible.
I swear I saw it two butts.
On a farm, right past that cornfield on Route 6.
Just stop trying to impress me.
We're already friends.
Two-butted goat! Two-butted goat!!! Watch this one, Lin.
Off the counter and swish! Well not swish, but Ah, good one.
You weren't even looking.
You try.
It's fun.
Take a few shots.
Nah.
Come on, the restaurant is empty.
Hey, we could play Horse.
I don't know.
Maybe if we don't keep score.
Well, you can't play Horse without keeping score.
You have to.
It's just we can get a little competitive.
You get a little in your head.
I get a little in your face.
We won't get like that this time, I promise.
Okay, I mean, it's not really fair.
I was fourth-grade hoop-shoot champion.
And you weren't, so Okay, take it easy.
Boosh! All right.
Now I have to make the same shot.
And I miss.
Huh, all right, so I get an "H.
" Yeah you do.
Which is good and fine.
And this is fun.
I'm having fun.
Not at all in my head.
Spin around clockwise and then yell out your favorite Meryl Streep movie It's Complicated! Yeah! In your face! I mean, not in your face.
Sportsmanship.
You're seriously telling me you don't want to go and see a two-butted goat.
That cornfield on Route 6 is really far away.
Also, there's no such thing as a two-butted goat, Gene.
Yeah, call me when there's a two-butted boy.
Or just tell me, since we live at the same place.
We never do anything I want to do! No, we did that one time.
We went to the hospital when you got a concussion.
Remember? No! Plus, we have a great day planned.
Now let's read our fortunes.
"Stay away from teenage skunks, they have P-U-berty.
" Ha-ha! Na "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all be eating our words.
" Butts! It's a sign! "The one destined to be your true love will be revealed at the end of a journey.
" Wow.
Intense.
Oh, you got a piece from the old batch.
Before they started making the fortunes hilarious.
Yeah, it's old.
Huh, is the ceiling fan on a little higher? It's blustery.
Ceiling fan.
The only problem is you're playing against the fourth-grade hoop-shoot champ! It's like the fifth time you've mentioned that.
Teddy, come in! Can, uh, can I get you a burger? Nah, maybe just a coffee.
And some fries.
And a burger.
And a beer.
What's going on here? What are we doing? Oh, me and Bob are playing Horse.
He's about to lose.
Oh, you guys are competing? Uh-oh.
Well, we'll have to finish later, anyway.
Uh, 'cause I have to go make your food, so Oh, no, no, no.
I'll wait.
I want to see what happens.
Um okay.
This will be either fun or terrible.
Bend the back, over the rack! Wow! What's all this? They're playing horse.
This is it, Bob.
Game's on the line.
Air ball! I win! Is the sun coming in at a weird angle or something? Eh no.
Uh, you know, I think I'm just too strong.
I feel like I need, like, uh, something heavier.
Still missed.
Well, now, all right, hold on.
I H-How about a new game?! This game, uh, is a little more challenging.
I-It's, uh, like napkin darts.
What the hell is napkin darts? Yes! We'll call it Narts! You call where you want to throw it.
Let's say, uh, that stool.
And your opponent has to make the same shot or they get a letter.
But not to spell "horse," to spell "Narts.
" Seems like he's just ripping off Horse.
I don't know if I'm gonna be any good at this.
I'm a hoop-shoot champ.
This is different.
Huh, not that different.
I got next! Ah, I wish I had shorts on.
Bob, can I borrow some shorts? Mmm, no.
Hmm, the planes are looking extra zany today.
How many butts does a Zany Plane have? None! This goat has two! Trust me, Gene.
When we're flying on this thing inverted, defying the laws of gravity and spitting in the face of science, you'll forget all about the two-butted goat.
Two-butted goat? Say butt, say what? Oh, hey guys.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
, Zeke.
And Jocelyn and Tammy? I guess I didn't get the invitation to the "Eighth Graders Go to the Wharf Day"? That's not what this is.
We're just hanging out.
Oh, phew.
Yeah, don't get your boobs in a bunch.
We didn't even come together.
It was just me and Zeke.
And then they started following us.
You wish.
Where are you going next? Hey, guys.
I followed Tammy and Jocelyn here.
Hi, Darryl.
Hey.
Hi, guys.
Rudy, when'd you get here? I've been here the whole time.
Everyone keeps cutting in front of me.
Yeah, it's too crowded here.
Zeke, let's go on that ride over there.
Ba-ba-ba, ho-ho! I want to hear about this two-butted goat! Spill it! I was under the pier and I heard these guys talking about a two-butted goat on a farm out by the cornfield on Route 6.
And I'm the only one who wants to go see it! Well, count me in, Gene-o-sabe.
Oh, come on, that can't be real.
You think? If a cow's got four stomachs, why can't a goat have two butts? Technically a cow just has one stomach, with four separate chambers.
But there was a two-faced cat in England, so a two-butted goat seems possible.
All cats are two-faced.
Guys, the Zany Plane is super fun.
And we're in line for it.
Oh, and it's real.
I want to go see the two-butted goat! Me, too! Really, Zeke? I mean, um Yeah, me three.
I'll go.
Sounds good.
Maybe it's my destiny to go on this journey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We could spend our whole day going to look for this thing, and it might not even exist! She's right.
There's no guarantee it's real.
But it might be.
So I ask you would you rather have a lifetime of regret, or an afternoon of mild disappointment? That is deep.
I'll go if you go.
Oh, my God! I was just about to say the same thing.
I really was! Oh, my God! Should we go? Should we go? Should we go? Let's go! Let's go! I am in! No, back out.
Nope, back in.
I'm okay.
Fine, I'll go.
And when we get there and there's no goat, Gene, you have to do all the cleanup when we get back to the restaurant.
What if there is a two-butted goat? Then I'll do all the clean up.
Deal! Either way, I don't have to clean up.
Sounds great.
Follow me to the two-butted goat! Does anyone know where Route 6 is? Not at all.
Nope.
No! I don't know any of the roads.
Then follow me to the gas station to get a map and some beef jerky and use the bathroom! Everyone's doing what I want to do and it feels great, doesn't it Darryl? Rudy? Pretty good.
Wrong day to experiment with dress shoes and no socks.
Just so you know, Gene, if we get lost you still have to do all the cleanup.
Worth it! Looks like we just stay on this road and it takes us to Route 6.
And then there's lots of dotted lines and a big green patch that must be Iowa.
Those dotted lines are probably fire roads.
And it looks like this one might be a shortcut.
If the road's on fire, we're not going on it.
Yeah.
Just kidding! We'll do what everyone else does.
Let's take the shortcut and get there shorter! I don't know they're dotted lines for a reason.
We don't know what's in-between those dots.
Let's find out! We got some dots to connect! I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking.
Does two butts mean three cheeks or four cheeks or what? More importantly, are we talking about separate anuses? Does that mean it can fart in harmony? Fart-mony! I never even thought of that.
This is bigger than I imagined.
It's the biggest thing ever! And it's not real.
Why are you being so negative? Well, for one, we should all be riding the Zany Plane.
And two, if a two-butted goat does exist, don't you think it'd probably have, like, it's own show on TLC? And three, overhearing teenagers at the pier might not be the best way to get information.
Mmm, I would agree to disagree, because that's actually how I learned that green scrunchies are out.
What? Oh, my God you're being paranoid.
I told you that I liked it.
I know.
I believe it exists.
The world is full of mystery and magic! Yeah, if nature can make all the different colors of autumn leaves, why not a two-butted goat? Damn straight! I'm a bit of a leaf-peeper.
Whoa, Rudy has a sensitive side.
Could he be my destiny? In 20 years, the age difference won't matter.
I never noticed before, but you look like my mother when she's tired.
Probably not my destiny.
Okay.
Nice and easy.
You can do this.
If you miss, you lose.
You lose a game that you invented.
Sometime today, Bob.
- Damn it! - I beat Bob at Narts! Rematch! I'm up.
Oh, right.
Well, uh, maybe we should do a-a tournament.
Uh, Mort probably wants in right, Mort? Yeah, I'm feeling Narty.
God, Mort! You ruin everything.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Great, I'll draw it up.
Write my name up there as "Win-da.
" No.
Yes! Two, two Two-butted goat! Our voices sound good together! No they don't.
Like Hall and Goats.
Hey, I think that's the fire road! Yeah! Two, two, two-butted goat Why are you dragging your wagon, Jimmy Jr.
? Yeah, aren't you excited? It's this was supposed to be a day with just me and Zeke.
Look at them.
It's "two-butted goat this," and "our voices sound good together that," and "there's the fire road this.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you jealous of Gene? What?! Why-why would I be jealous of Mr.
"Perfect-hears-about every-two-butted-goat in-the-world"? Oh, my God, you're so Gene jelly! You're a Gene jelly donut! No I'm not! Fine, I am.
Aw, okay.
So to get Zeke back, you have to remind him how fun you are to hang out with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, like how? Find a five-butted goat.
Yeah.
I think it's an electric fence.
Maybe to keep deer out of the corn? Don't touch it.
It's not an electric fence.
It's just humming.
Don't all fences do that? Rudy, touch it.
No thank you.
We can do this just carefully limbo through the wires and Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
It didn't even hurt.
Hey, I'm gonna pass the zap.
Who wants some? Uh, I'll take a zap, Zeke! Gotcha! It tickles and it hurts and I pooped a little, but it went back up! That's what I'm talking about! He gets it! Oh, man! Electricity was literally running between them.
No, that was beautiful.
I'm so happy to hear Shut up! Here's how you go through with the least amount of contact.
I got it! Nope! Seizing up! Seizing up! Maybe my destiny is Zeke.
So brave.
Can you see my bones? Are they glowing? But not that bright.
We could just go through this gate.
Maybe it's Darryl.
So smart.
The gate's too heavy! Um, let's keep looking.
Anyone can walk through a gate! You're missing out! All right, door handle.
All right! Okay, Teddy.
This is it.
Last shot.
You have to make this or Linda wins.
I got this.
Aah! Thanks a lot, Bob! What? What did I do? You breathe too hard! I breathe too hard? That's you! Hey, calm down, Teddy.
Don't you touch me! Teddy! Don't you see what's happening? She's turning us against each other! You are! Oh, I am not.
Teddy says that every day.
You witch! Okay! So, Mort's up next.
Good luck, Mort.
Maybe I'm not the guy Go, Mort! Uh You're playing, Mort.
We're gonna keep playing until somebody beats her.
I don't know.
I've never been good with napkins or toilet paper Gross.
That was a pretty lame cornfield, Gene.
No mazes, no scarecrows No children of it.
Pretty good-looking corn, though.
And now we get to cross a river on a dead tree.
Like in the movies! That's fun.
I like movies.
Hold on, everyone.
I think that's poison ivy.
Uh-oh.
Great, first Gene's idea gives Zeke a twitch he didn't used to have.
It'll go away.
And now we're all gonna be itchy.
I say we head back.
Yeah, I heard poison ivy is really bad for your skin.
What? No I already have eczema.
I don't even want to know what poison ivy will do to it.
Okay, listen.
If we keep going, it may be a risk to our smooth, silky skin, but I say it's still worth it! Because we're talking about a two-butted goat! Now, who will stand with me?! I'm actually done.
No way.
Sorry, yeah.
Not me, buddy.
I can't.
I don't want to risk my silky skin.
Yeah, we're out, right Zeke? No way, J-Ju! If it's out there, we have to try! I'm with you, Gene! Psst, go to him.
Go! Go! Fine, I'm coming.
I'm in, too.
Sorry, feet.
Oh, I'm going.
I want to see your face when you see my face laughing in your face when you don't see a two-butted goat.
And I have to see what destiny awaits at the end of this journey.
Settle down, Robert Frost.
You guys won't regret sticking with me.
Darryl, Tammy, Jocelyn, you sure you don't want to keep going? Oh, they're gone.
Well the good news is the poison ivy is easy to step over.
Even with these regular-sized legs.
Yeah! It's almost fun to step over.
Nuts.
Man, that poison ivy is thick.
I knew I was gonna get a rash today somehow.
So, what do we do now, Gene? Well, I think if we could hop from rock to rock, we could stay above it.
God closes a door, Gene notices a series of rocks.
Let's do it! You have to remind him how fun you are to hang out with.
Yeah.
Hey, Zeke! Check this out! I'm David Lee Roth-in' it! What? Panama! Whoa! Didn't they have a song called "Jump"? Yeah, so what? Why not say that when you jump? I just I didn't think of it.
Whatever.
You try it, Gene! Nah, I'm more of a Sammy Hagar.
Hagar-in' it! That's fun! Hagar-in' it to destiny.
Aah! I'm okay.
Come on, let's go, Mort.
Come on.
Oh! Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? Are you serious?! Should I close my eyes? Would that help? I'm starting to feel bad for you guys.
And under the leg to the bell above the door, aah! Oh, boy.
What's going on in here? Napkin darts? Yeah, we call it Narts.
Cool, I like fun words.
I got next.
Who's winning? Linda.
No one can beat her.
She's like an evil Narts robot.
She is the hoop-shoot champ.
You told Mike you were the fourth-grade hoop-shoot champ? No, I read about it.
You did?! No, she told me.
Oh, right.
Anyway, I was a pitcher in junior college, so, uh Bring it, mailman! You'll-you'll be up after Mort.
Which is Mort, throw it.
Right now.
Yep.
Mike's up.
Beat her, Mike, and you get a free burger.
But if I win, I get free mail.
Go! Uh-oh, no more rocks.
And a lot more poison ivy.
Look! That's got to be the farm! But we can't get to it without walking through poison ivy.
Maybe we could swing across on a vine.
No.
Well, Gene, we tried your idea and it was a gigantic failure.
So, time to head back? No! Only one of us has to get poison ivy for us all to see the two-butted goat.
What do you mean "only one of us"? One person gets it by carrying the rest of us across.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
And since this whole thing was my idea, I think that person should be me? I'm all choking up over here.
This guy's my hero.
Come on, boy! Come on, boy! What I miss? It's still NAR to NAR.
She'll slip up soon enough.
Mike is our best hope.
Flying burgers picture.
- Yes! - Nice one! Ha! Damn! Return to sender, baby! Get it mail? So tired.
Legs itch so much! Look at him sacrificing himself, so that we might live to see a two-butted goat.
Like a little, rashy Bruce Willis in Armageddon.
I can't believe we're about to see it! Damn, I thought that was gone.
It's all gonna be worth it! We're almost there.
Oh, my God, please let there be a two-butted goat! Please let there be a two-butted goat! What, Gene? Nothing! We're almost at the end of our journey.
My destiny is going to be revealed.
If it's a farmer, please let him be a teen farmer.
What, Tina? I said please let him be a teen farmer! Ta-da! A no-butted nothing! Wait! Look! Show us your butt! Here, goaty goaty goat! Here, goaty goaty.
Come on.
Come on, little fella! Come on.
Come on out, buddy, come on.
Come out here so we can see your butt! Nothing weird! I just can't take it anymore! Can you see it, Gene? Go! Yes! It's It's it's a one-butted goat! Oh.
Ha! Gah! I failed you all! Yeah, you did.
I really believed.
I hoped and I hoped and then nope.
I won the bet, but I kind of wish I hadn't.
I'm sorry, Gene.
You deserved to see that goat.
No, I didn't! There is no mystery! There is no magic in this world.
I don't believe it.
Oh, my God Gene! Everything just has one butt.
Nothing is special.
Gene, look! It's time for me to grow up, I guess.
Gene, Gene, Gene! Turn around! What?! You're real? You're real! Okay! It's NART to NART.
This could be the final shot, Mike.
You scared? Maybe if I make a really big fart sound, she'll miss.
I doubt it.
But if we both make one at the same time, it might be loud enough.
Let's do it.
Okay, Mike, I call the blade of the ceiling fan.
Which blade? There's five of them.
The one with the ketchup on it.
How do you get ketchup on a ceiling fan? Ready, Bob? Make it a good one.
On three.
One Two Oh, my God, what's wrong with me? Lin Da Three! Where were you?! Sorry, Teddy, I can't do it.
That's my wife.
And got it! Linda, yes! Great shot! Wait, you're cheering for me? Uh-huh.
And Linda gets free mail.
Hooray! All right! Yes! Linda wins! Here you go, Linda.
It's on me.
Okay, that's it.
Tournament's over.
Linda is the champion! Ha! Lin, sorry if I got a little bit exactly the way you said I'd be.
It's okay it must be annoying how good I am.
It is.
One more time? Just for fun? Okay, just for fun.
But we'll keep score.
You're going down! I mean, sportsmanship.
It's magnificent.
Two tails and two anuses.
Just like Noah's Ark.
Poor Darryl and Tammy and Jocelyn.
They missed out.
They'll never know.
In hindsight, one of us should've brought a camera.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Gene.
Me, too.
I could stay here and stare at this beautiful bastard's butts forever.
Hey, stay away from my goat! Get off my land! He's not a teen.
I'm kidding! Come on, that's just a bit I do "The mean, old farmer.
" Go ahead, you can pet little Double Butt.
We can? Sure! Fart-mony! Oh, it stinks.
Twice as much.
Hey, Tina, there's something I have to tell you.
Oh, my God, is this it? Is he the one I'm truly destined to be with? Yes, Jimmy Jr.
? You're standing in goat poop.
I'm standing in goat poop and? That's it.
I would just step out of it.
I don't get it! We went on a big journey, the two-butted goat was there, but the one destined to be my true love wasn't revealed.
Tina, listen carefully.
Life is a journey.
Uh-huh? That's all I got.
I don't have advice.
I'm nine.
No, I see what you're saying.
Well, I'm not saying anything.
Maybe my two-butted goat is still out there.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You really did it, Gene.
You changed our lives.
Yeah, come here, Gene Victory wrestle! Come on! Come on! No! I don't want to wrestle! My legs are itchy and my back hurts from carrying you guys! I-I'll wrestle you, Zeke.
That's right! That's my Wrestle Rascal! That's my Wrestle Rascal! Get over here! Come on! I am! Assume the position, big boy! Ow, ow, Zeke, ow! I'm gonna flip you over.
Flippin' you over.
Ow, my head! Sorry, sorry, sorry! It was a perfect day, Gene.
Yeah, I don't even care that I lost the bet.
It was worth it to see a two-butted goat.
You're welcome.
Besides, how dirty can the restaurant be? What the freak happened in here?! Two, two, two-butted goat Two, two, two-butted goat
Somebody do something interesting.
Well, wait till you see our new handshake.
Up top, time to mop.
And Bop! It isn't ready yet.
Yeah, it is pretty slow today.
You guys want to take the day off, maybe? Go have some fun How'd you get to the door so fast? Adios! Later! Bye! I just said it.
Be back in time to help clean up after closing.
Aw, if you two would move a little faster, we wouldn't have heard that.
But you did and now you got to help.
Hey! These are all stained.
I told the kids not to store the napkins under the sink.
They're all ruined.
On the plus side, you made three in a row.
I know.
Watch this.
Sky hook! Ah! So what do you say normal day off stuff? Or we could try something new? Hitch hike to Myrtle Beach? Meet all the Myrtles? No, no, no, no.
Let's stick with the tried and true.
We look for loose change under the pier, use that to buy some Fortune Fudge, then ride the Zany Plane inverted throw up, and do it all over again? You really like getting your inverted on, huh? I'm developing a taste for it.
We've already inverted ourselves twice this month.
When is enough enough?! When we're out of throw up? Yes.
Found another quarter! Two dimes and six pennies for me! I always get the worst section! Nothing but bottle caps and Band-Aids! - No way.
- Yes way.
A two-butted goat? Impossible.
I swear I saw it two butts.
On a farm, right past that cornfield on Route 6.
Just stop trying to impress me.
We're already friends.
Two-butted goat! Two-butted goat!!! Watch this one, Lin.
Off the counter and swish! Well not swish, but Ah, good one.
You weren't even looking.
You try.
It's fun.
Take a few shots.
Nah.
Come on, the restaurant is empty.
Hey, we could play Horse.
I don't know.
Maybe if we don't keep score.
Well, you can't play Horse without keeping score.
You have to.
It's just we can get a little competitive.
You get a little in your head.
I get a little in your face.
We won't get like that this time, I promise.
Okay, I mean, it's not really fair.
I was fourth-grade hoop-shoot champion.
And you weren't, so Okay, take it easy.
Boosh! All right.
Now I have to make the same shot.
And I miss.
Huh, all right, so I get an "H.
" Yeah you do.
Which is good and fine.
And this is fun.
I'm having fun.
Not at all in my head.
Spin around clockwise and then yell out your favorite Meryl Streep movie It's Complicated! Yeah! In your face! I mean, not in your face.
Sportsmanship.
You're seriously telling me you don't want to go and see a two-butted goat.
That cornfield on Route 6 is really far away.
Also, there's no such thing as a two-butted goat, Gene.
Yeah, call me when there's a two-butted boy.
Or just tell me, since we live at the same place.
We never do anything I want to do! No, we did that one time.
We went to the hospital when you got a concussion.
Remember? No! Plus, we have a great day planned.
Now let's read our fortunes.
"Stay away from teenage skunks, they have P-U-berty.
" Ha-ha! Na "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candies and nuts, we'd all be eating our words.
" Butts! It's a sign! "The one destined to be your true love will be revealed at the end of a journey.
" Wow.
Intense.
Oh, you got a piece from the old batch.
Before they started making the fortunes hilarious.
Yeah, it's old.
Huh, is the ceiling fan on a little higher? It's blustery.
Ceiling fan.
The only problem is you're playing against the fourth-grade hoop-shoot champ! It's like the fifth time you've mentioned that.
Teddy, come in! Can, uh, can I get you a burger? Nah, maybe just a coffee.
And some fries.
And a burger.
And a beer.
What's going on here? What are we doing? Oh, me and Bob are playing Horse.
He's about to lose.
Oh, you guys are competing? Uh-oh.
Well, we'll have to finish later, anyway.
Uh, 'cause I have to go make your food, so Oh, no, no, no.
I'll wait.
I want to see what happens.
Um okay.
This will be either fun or terrible.
Bend the back, over the rack! Wow! What's all this? They're playing horse.
This is it, Bob.
Game's on the line.
Air ball! I win! Is the sun coming in at a weird angle or something? Eh no.
Uh, you know, I think I'm just too strong.
I feel like I need, like, uh, something heavier.
Still missed.
Well, now, all right, hold on.
I H-How about a new game?! This game, uh, is a little more challenging.
I-It's, uh, like napkin darts.
What the hell is napkin darts? Yes! We'll call it Narts! You call where you want to throw it.
Let's say, uh, that stool.
And your opponent has to make the same shot or they get a letter.
But not to spell "horse," to spell "Narts.
" Seems like he's just ripping off Horse.
I don't know if I'm gonna be any good at this.
I'm a hoop-shoot champ.
This is different.
Huh, not that different.
I got next! Ah, I wish I had shorts on.
Bob, can I borrow some shorts? Mmm, no.
Hmm, the planes are looking extra zany today.
How many butts does a Zany Plane have? None! This goat has two! Trust me, Gene.
When we're flying on this thing inverted, defying the laws of gravity and spitting in the face of science, you'll forget all about the two-butted goat.
Two-butted goat? Say butt, say what? Oh, hey guys.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
, Zeke.
And Jocelyn and Tammy? I guess I didn't get the invitation to the "Eighth Graders Go to the Wharf Day"? That's not what this is.
We're just hanging out.
Oh, phew.
Yeah, don't get your boobs in a bunch.
We didn't even come together.
It was just me and Zeke.
And then they started following us.
You wish.
Where are you going next? Hey, guys.
I followed Tammy and Jocelyn here.
Hi, Darryl.
Hey.
Hi, guys.
Rudy, when'd you get here? I've been here the whole time.
Everyone keeps cutting in front of me.
Yeah, it's too crowded here.
Zeke, let's go on that ride over there.
Ba-ba-ba, ho-ho! I want to hear about this two-butted goat! Spill it! I was under the pier and I heard these guys talking about a two-butted goat on a farm out by the cornfield on Route 6.
And I'm the only one who wants to go see it! Well, count me in, Gene-o-sabe.
Oh, come on, that can't be real.
You think? If a cow's got four stomachs, why can't a goat have two butts? Technically a cow just has one stomach, with four separate chambers.
But there was a two-faced cat in England, so a two-butted goat seems possible.
All cats are two-faced.
Guys, the Zany Plane is super fun.
And we're in line for it.
Oh, and it's real.
I want to go see the two-butted goat! Me, too! Really, Zeke? I mean, um Yeah, me three.
I'll go.
Sounds good.
Maybe it's my destiny to go on this journey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We could spend our whole day going to look for this thing, and it might not even exist! She's right.
There's no guarantee it's real.
But it might be.
So I ask you would you rather have a lifetime of regret, or an afternoon of mild disappointment? That is deep.
I'll go if you go.
Oh, my God! I was just about to say the same thing.
I really was! Oh, my God! Should we go? Should we go? Should we go? Let's go! Let's go! I am in! No, back out.
Nope, back in.
I'm okay.
Fine, I'll go.
And when we get there and there's no goat, Gene, you have to do all the cleanup when we get back to the restaurant.
What if there is a two-butted goat? Then I'll do all the clean up.
Deal! Either way, I don't have to clean up.
Sounds great.
Follow me to the two-butted goat! Does anyone know where Route 6 is? Not at all.
Nope.
No! I don't know any of the roads.
Then follow me to the gas station to get a map and some beef jerky and use the bathroom! Everyone's doing what I want to do and it feels great, doesn't it Darryl? Rudy? Pretty good.
Wrong day to experiment with dress shoes and no socks.
Just so you know, Gene, if we get lost you still have to do all the cleanup.
Worth it! Looks like we just stay on this road and it takes us to Route 6.
And then there's lots of dotted lines and a big green patch that must be Iowa.
Those dotted lines are probably fire roads.
And it looks like this one might be a shortcut.
If the road's on fire, we're not going on it.
Yeah.
Just kidding! We'll do what everyone else does.
Let's take the shortcut and get there shorter! I don't know they're dotted lines for a reason.
We don't know what's in-between those dots.
Let's find out! We got some dots to connect! I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking.
Does two butts mean three cheeks or four cheeks or what? More importantly, are we talking about separate anuses? Does that mean it can fart in harmony? Fart-mony! I never even thought of that.
This is bigger than I imagined.
It's the biggest thing ever! And it's not real.
Why are you being so negative? Well, for one, we should all be riding the Zany Plane.
And two, if a two-butted goat does exist, don't you think it'd probably have, like, it's own show on TLC? And three, overhearing teenagers at the pier might not be the best way to get information.
Mmm, I would agree to disagree, because that's actually how I learned that green scrunchies are out.
What? Oh, my God you're being paranoid.
I told you that I liked it.
I know.
I believe it exists.
The world is full of mystery and magic! Yeah, if nature can make all the different colors of autumn leaves, why not a two-butted goat? Damn straight! I'm a bit of a leaf-peeper.
Whoa, Rudy has a sensitive side.
Could he be my destiny? In 20 years, the age difference won't matter.
I never noticed before, but you look like my mother when she's tired.
Probably not my destiny.
Okay.
Nice and easy.
You can do this.
If you miss, you lose.
You lose a game that you invented.
Sometime today, Bob.
- Damn it! - I beat Bob at Narts! Rematch! I'm up.
Oh, right.
Well, uh, maybe we should do a-a tournament.
Uh, Mort probably wants in right, Mort? Yeah, I'm feeling Narty.
God, Mort! You ruin everything.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Great, I'll draw it up.
Write my name up there as "Win-da.
" No.
Yes! Two, two Two-butted goat! Our voices sound good together! No they don't.
Like Hall and Goats.
Hey, I think that's the fire road! Yeah! Two, two, two-butted goat Why are you dragging your wagon, Jimmy Jr.
? Yeah, aren't you excited? It's this was supposed to be a day with just me and Zeke.
Look at them.
It's "two-butted goat this," and "our voices sound good together that," and "there's the fire road this.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you jealous of Gene? What?! Why-why would I be jealous of Mr.
"Perfect-hears-about every-two-butted-goat in-the-world"? Oh, my God, you're so Gene jelly! You're a Gene jelly donut! No I'm not! Fine, I am.
Aw, okay.
So to get Zeke back, you have to remind him how fun you are to hang out with.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, like how? Find a five-butted goat.
Yeah.
I think it's an electric fence.
Maybe to keep deer out of the corn? Don't touch it.
It's not an electric fence.
It's just humming.
Don't all fences do that? Rudy, touch it.
No thank you.
We can do this just carefully limbo through the wires and Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
It didn't even hurt.
Hey, I'm gonna pass the zap.
Who wants some? Uh, I'll take a zap, Zeke! Gotcha! It tickles and it hurts and I pooped a little, but it went back up! That's what I'm talking about! He gets it! Oh, man! Electricity was literally running between them.
No, that was beautiful.
I'm so happy to hear Shut up! Here's how you go through with the least amount of contact.
I got it! Nope! Seizing up! Seizing up! Maybe my destiny is Zeke.
So brave.
Can you see my bones? Are they glowing? But not that bright.
We could just go through this gate.
Maybe it's Darryl.
So smart.
The gate's too heavy! Um, let's keep looking.
Anyone can walk through a gate! You're missing out! All right, door handle.
All right! Okay, Teddy.
This is it.
Last shot.
You have to make this or Linda wins.
I got this.
Aah! Thanks a lot, Bob! What? What did I do? You breathe too hard! I breathe too hard? That's you! Hey, calm down, Teddy.
Don't you touch me! Teddy! Don't you see what's happening? She's turning us against each other! You are! Oh, I am not.
Teddy says that every day.
You witch! Okay! So, Mort's up next.
Good luck, Mort.
Maybe I'm not the guy Go, Mort! Uh You're playing, Mort.
We're gonna keep playing until somebody beats her.
I don't know.
I've never been good with napkins or toilet paper Gross.
That was a pretty lame cornfield, Gene.
No mazes, no scarecrows No children of it.
Pretty good-looking corn, though.
And now we get to cross a river on a dead tree.
Like in the movies! That's fun.
I like movies.
Hold on, everyone.
I think that's poison ivy.
Uh-oh.
Great, first Gene's idea gives Zeke a twitch he didn't used to have.
It'll go away.
And now we're all gonna be itchy.
I say we head back.
Yeah, I heard poison ivy is really bad for your skin.
What? No I already have eczema.
I don't even want to know what poison ivy will do to it.
Okay, listen.
If we keep going, it may be a risk to our smooth, silky skin, but I say it's still worth it! Because we're talking about a two-butted goat! Now, who will stand with me?! I'm actually done.
No way.
Sorry, yeah.
Not me, buddy.
I can't.
I don't want to risk my silky skin.
Yeah, we're out, right Zeke? No way, J-Ju! If it's out there, we have to try! I'm with you, Gene! Psst, go to him.
Go! Go! Fine, I'm coming.
I'm in, too.
Sorry, feet.
Oh, I'm going.
I want to see your face when you see my face laughing in your face when you don't see a two-butted goat.
And I have to see what destiny awaits at the end of this journey.
Settle down, Robert Frost.
You guys won't regret sticking with me.
Darryl, Tammy, Jocelyn, you sure you don't want to keep going? Oh, they're gone.
Well the good news is the poison ivy is easy to step over.
Even with these regular-sized legs.
Yeah! It's almost fun to step over.
Nuts.
Man, that poison ivy is thick.
I knew I was gonna get a rash today somehow.
So, what do we do now, Gene? Well, I think if we could hop from rock to rock, we could stay above it.
God closes a door, Gene notices a series of rocks.
Let's do it! You have to remind him how fun you are to hang out with.
Yeah.
Hey, Zeke! Check this out! I'm David Lee Roth-in' it! What? Panama! Whoa! Didn't they have a song called "Jump"? Yeah, so what? Why not say that when you jump? I just I didn't think of it.
Whatever.
You try it, Gene! Nah, I'm more of a Sammy Hagar.
Hagar-in' it! That's fun! Hagar-in' it to destiny.
Aah! I'm okay.
Come on, let's go, Mort.
Come on.
Oh! Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? Are you serious?! Should I close my eyes? Would that help? I'm starting to feel bad for you guys.
And under the leg to the bell above the door, aah! Oh, boy.
What's going on in here? Napkin darts? Yeah, we call it Narts.
Cool, I like fun words.
I got next.
Who's winning? Linda.
No one can beat her.
She's like an evil Narts robot.
She is the hoop-shoot champ.
You told Mike you were the fourth-grade hoop-shoot champ? No, I read about it.
You did?! No, she told me.
Oh, right.
Anyway, I was a pitcher in junior college, so, uh Bring it, mailman! You'll-you'll be up after Mort.
Which is Mort, throw it.
Right now.
Yep.
Mike's up.
Beat her, Mike, and you get a free burger.
But if I win, I get free mail.
Go! Uh-oh, no more rocks.
And a lot more poison ivy.
Look! That's got to be the farm! But we can't get to it without walking through poison ivy.
Maybe we could swing across on a vine.
No.
Well, Gene, we tried your idea and it was a gigantic failure.
So, time to head back? No! Only one of us has to get poison ivy for us all to see the two-butted goat.
What do you mean "only one of us"? One person gets it by carrying the rest of us across.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
And since this whole thing was my idea, I think that person should be me? I'm all choking up over here.
This guy's my hero.
Come on, boy! Come on, boy! What I miss? It's still NAR to NAR.
She'll slip up soon enough.
Mike is our best hope.
Flying burgers picture.
- Yes! - Nice one! Ha! Damn! Return to sender, baby! Get it mail? So tired.
Legs itch so much! Look at him sacrificing himself, so that we might live to see a two-butted goat.
Like a little, rashy Bruce Willis in Armageddon.
I can't believe we're about to see it! Damn, I thought that was gone.
It's all gonna be worth it! We're almost there.
Oh, my God, please let there be a two-butted goat! Please let there be a two-butted goat! What, Gene? Nothing! We're almost at the end of our journey.
My destiny is going to be revealed.
If it's a farmer, please let him be a teen farmer.
What, Tina? I said please let him be a teen farmer! Ta-da! A no-butted nothing! Wait! Look! Show us your butt! Here, goaty goaty goat! Here, goaty goaty.
Come on.
Come on, little fella! Come on.
Come on out, buddy, come on.
Come out here so we can see your butt! Nothing weird! I just can't take it anymore! Can you see it, Gene? Go! Yes! It's It's it's a one-butted goat! Oh.
Ha! Gah! I failed you all! Yeah, you did.
I really believed.
I hoped and I hoped and then nope.
I won the bet, but I kind of wish I hadn't.
I'm sorry, Gene.
You deserved to see that goat.
No, I didn't! There is no mystery! There is no magic in this world.
I don't believe it.
Oh, my God Gene! Everything just has one butt.
Nothing is special.
Gene, look! It's time for me to grow up, I guess.
Gene, Gene, Gene! Turn around! What?! You're real? You're real! Okay! It's NART to NART.
This could be the final shot, Mike.
You scared? Maybe if I make a really big fart sound, she'll miss.
I doubt it.
But if we both make one at the same time, it might be loud enough.
Let's do it.
Okay, Mike, I call the blade of the ceiling fan.
Which blade? There's five of them.
The one with the ketchup on it.
How do you get ketchup on a ceiling fan? Ready, Bob? Make it a good one.
On three.
One Two Oh, my God, what's wrong with me? Lin Da Three! Where were you?! Sorry, Teddy, I can't do it.
That's my wife.
And got it! Linda, yes! Great shot! Wait, you're cheering for me? Uh-huh.
And Linda gets free mail.
Hooray! All right! Yes! Linda wins! Here you go, Linda.
It's on me.
Okay, that's it.
Tournament's over.
Linda is the champion! Ha! Lin, sorry if I got a little bit exactly the way you said I'd be.
It's okay it must be annoying how good I am.
It is.
One more time? Just for fun? Okay, just for fun.
But we'll keep score.
You're going down! I mean, sportsmanship.
It's magnificent.
Two tails and two anuses.
Just like Noah's Ark.
Poor Darryl and Tammy and Jocelyn.
They missed out.
They'll never know.
In hindsight, one of us should've brought a camera.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Gene.
Me, too.
I could stay here and stare at this beautiful bastard's butts forever.
Hey, stay away from my goat! Get off my land! He's not a teen.
I'm kidding! Come on, that's just a bit I do "The mean, old farmer.
" Go ahead, you can pet little Double Butt.
We can? Sure! Fart-mony! Oh, it stinks.
Twice as much.
Hey, Tina, there's something I have to tell you.
Oh, my God, is this it? Is he the one I'm truly destined to be with? Yes, Jimmy Jr.
? You're standing in goat poop.
I'm standing in goat poop and? That's it.
I would just step out of it.
I don't get it! We went on a big journey, the two-butted goat was there, but the one destined to be my true love wasn't revealed.
Tina, listen carefully.
Life is a journey.
Uh-huh? That's all I got.
I don't have advice.
I'm nine.
No, I see what you're saying.
Well, I'm not saying anything.
Maybe my two-butted goat is still out there.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You really did it, Gene.
You changed our lives.
Yeah, come here, Gene Victory wrestle! Come on! Come on! No! I don't want to wrestle! My legs are itchy and my back hurts from carrying you guys! I-I'll wrestle you, Zeke.
That's right! That's my Wrestle Rascal! That's my Wrestle Rascal! Get over here! Come on! I am! Assume the position, big boy! Ow, ow, Zeke, ow! I'm gonna flip you over.
Flippin' you over.
Ow, my head! Sorry, sorry, sorry! It was a perfect day, Gene.
Yeah, I don't even care that I lost the bet.
It was worth it to see a two-butted goat.
You're welcome.
Besides, how dirty can the restaurant be? What the freak happened in here?! Two, two, two-butted goat Two, two, two-butted goat