Desperate Housewives s06e12 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
In the wake of a tragedy, a daughter was safe.
You saved her life.
We owe you everything.
Orson was changed.
There's a good chance your husband is paralyzed.
An unborn twin was gone.
We lost the baby.
But the other baby is fine.
And an ex-husband Karl didn't make it.
Oh, my God.
was dead.
A month after the death of Karl Mayer, his family assembled for the reading of his will.
To each, Karl left something to remember him by.
To his great aunt, he left a grand piano.
To his favorite cousin, he left gold cufflinks.
To his beloved daughter, he left cash and securities.
But Karl Mayer left his most extraordinary possession of all to someone who wasn't expecting a thing.
"And finally, to my ex-wife Susan Mayer.
" Hey, that's me.
Oh, I was just here to support my daughter.
Seriously, I've been playing hangman on my phone.
You were saying? "To my dearest Susie Q, "who endured my infidelities far longer than she should have, "years of cheating, betrayals almost from the day we were married" Can we just skip to the part where I get stuff? Don't look at me like that.
You got the piano.
"While I was never good at hiding my affairs of the flesh, "I'm ashamed to say that I was more successful "at concealing some of my financial affairs.
" What does that mean? I think Dad hid money from you when you were married.
Well, it's not money, exactly.
It seems your ex-husband was part owner in a business.
He was having affairs, ran a law firm, and he owned a secret business? Glad you're finally getting a little rest.
Now, he specifically asks that you keep an open mind.
It's very successful.
Well, if it's so successful, why do I need to keep an open mind? Yes, Karl Mayer left his ex-wife something to remember him by.
Not that there was any chance she would forget him.
All kinds of men go to the Double D Gentleman's club.
Frat boys looking for a thrill.
Soldiers looking to get lucky.
CEOs looking to close a deal.
Yes, all kinds of men go to Double D's.
Which can be very upsetting to all kinds of women.
Susan Mayer? Jimbo Rooney, co-owner of Double D's.
Look, I was real sad to hear about Karl's passing.
He was a good man.
And he cared about each and every one of these dancers.
I'm sure.
Karl was always a big supporter of the arts.
So, who do I speak to about selling my share of Herpes On Parade? Are you sure you wanna do that? Now, business has been real good lately.
Especially since we started Topless Karaoke Tuesdays.
Well, as lucrative an enterprise as that seems Take a look round, have a drink.
And then if you want to sell, you have your lawyer call me.
Oh Look at that.
You made the O's in "Rooney" into boobs.
Lovely.
You like that? Wait till you see my partner Vic's business card.
He took the "V" and he made it into Got it.
I think I'd really like that drink now.
Thanks.
But I'm not here for the show.
I just found out that I own half this place.
No kidding? Well, nice to meet you.
I'm Jennifer Morelli.
But at 10:00 I'm Destiny.
Oh.
I'm Susan Delfino.
At 10:00 I'm in a flannel nightgown.
Hey, we have a Delfino that comes in here.
Really? It's a pretty common name.
- I think he's a plumber.
- Really? Well, maybe there's another plumber with that last name.
Mike.
That's it.
Mike Delfino.
Tall guy, brown hair, nice smile.
- Big busted nose? - I don't think so.
Well, wait till the next time you see him.
- A TV? You guys didn't have to do that.
- Yes, we absolutely did.
We have a family rule.
You save our daughter from being squashed by a plane, you get a 60" plasma.
And a faux leather remote caddy.
Thanks.
This is very generous.
Please, we could never make up for what you did.
Or for how I behaved towards you the past couple weeks.
- I was such a bitch.
- We both said things.
Yeah, but I said a lot worse, a lot louder.
Yeah, you did.
By the way, I talked to Human Resources and they are fine with continuing to pay you until the baby is born and for six weeks after that.
Carlos, that's amazing.
So, will Terrence fill in until I get back? Actually, no.
He took the job in Miami.
So, who's gonna take up the slack? Well, I'll put in extra hours, work weekends.
Don't worry about it.
You focus on that baby.
Really? I don't want to have this fall on you.
Carlos, we got to get going.
We've got Juanita's interview at Oakridge.
Right.
Lynette, do not worry.
I've got your back.
But I feel so guilty, taking your money and leaving you in the lurch.
Hey, I got a crazy idea.
What if I fill in for Lynette? Honey, they're in a hurry.
No time for jokes.
I'm serious.
I've done her job or pretty damn similar when I was in advertising.
I could step in for her until she gets back on her feet.
But that's putting Carlos in an awkward position.
- I think it's a great idea.
- Me, too.
No, no.
I think it's a great idea in theory.
But it's such a complicated job.
You don't think I can handle it? No, no, I think you'd be wonderful.
Great.
It's settled then.
Tom, you start tomorrow.
There you go, Lynette.
Now you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Right, right.
Well, thanks again for the TV.
You guys have been way too generous.
- You made scones.
My favorite.
- I know.
Take as many as you like.
So, what did you want to see me about? Well, I wanted to give you this donation for the building fund.
And I also have some things in the garage for the rummage sale.
And I am also available to run the next Sunday school pancake breakfast.
Good heavens, Bree.
What a wonderful display of Christian charity.
I just want to do my part.
Does this have anything to do with the plane crash? In a manner of speaking.
Do you want to talk about it? I can't.
It would change how you feel about me.
Bree, I've known you for years.
I don't think that's possible.
I had an affair.
Are you okay? Before you confess a sin that big, just try to wait until I've swallowed.
Who was the affair with? Karl Mayer.
He was killed in the plane crash, the same one that injured Orson.
You must feel terribly guilty about this.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
That's why I wanted you to come over here.
I have to do something to make this right.
Well, it seems to me, the first step is for you and Orson to get into our Marriage Outreach program.
It's too late for that.
We're about to get a divorce.
Yes, but this was before Orson was in a wheelchair, right? Well, yes.
I think you know what you need to do to atone for this sin.
I think you knew it before I walked in the door.
You want me to bring Orson home and take care of him? It's just that I'm not sure that I love him anymore.
Bree, there's a quote I've always loved.
"You cannot make yourself feel something that you do not feel.
"But you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.
" I don't remember that from the Bible.
It's from Pearl Buck.
I'm allowed to read other books, you know.
Bree, no matter what you feel about Orson, if you don't help him now, you won't be able to live with yourself.
Fine.
I'll tell Orson tomorrow that I'll bring him home.
Good.
Mmm.
I think you've had enough.
Julie, hold up.
Hey, what's going on? Eddie's doing stand-up at the Chuckle Zone, on open mic night.
Stand-up.
As in, comedy? People always tell me how funny I am, so I decided to give the people what they want.
Don't miss out.
I've got this whole riff about airline food, it's gonna kill.
Hey, Porter, hold up.
When people tell him he's funny, doesn't he realize they're being funny? Tell me you're going.
I can't be the only one there.
I'll try.
I actually got to pack.
My dad left me some money, so I'm going back east to see my cousins.
For how long? Until they catch the guy who attacked me.
I just don't feel safe here.
I get that.
I've been wanting to ask you something.
I heard you were in the hospital because of an overdose.
You didn't do that because of I was dealing with a lot of stuff, problems with my parents, having to move again.
I got really lonely.
And, yeah, I guess you were part of it.
I'm better now.
Good.
Life has its low points and we just have to deal with them.
Speaking of which, how do we get out of this? Well, your timing is impeccable because it just so happens that we have an opening right now.
Yes, we heard and we're so excited.
Everyone knows that this is the best private school in town.
It says here that you've been homeschooling Juanita.
How's that been going? It's been so rewarding spending time with my little angel.
It breaks my heart to see it end.
Anyway, here's her lunch, it's all packed, and we'll pick her up at 4:00.
Wait just a second.
There are a few other families on the waiting list before you.
- Oh.
There are? - Yes.
But Susan Delfino gave you such a glowing recommendation.
And to be quite frank, we could use a little more diversity in this school.
It's been quite a long time since we've had a little girl of Mexican descent.
Well, we are very proud of our heritage, but Juanita can stand on her own merits.
She's very bright.
And I know I'm biased, but I do think she's a budding young genius.
I'm Mexican? - Honey, what did you just say? - He called me Mexican.
You are Mexican, honey.
You know that.
Since when? I thought we were American.
Yes, but our ancestors came from Mexico.
Really? So we're like those people who sell oranges on the side of the road? - You're busy.
We should go.
- Thank you so very much for your time.
And, again, we really want to join you here and help you with that diversity thing, so just let us know.
Just say it.
I don't even know what that means.
Just say it.
This is fine, thank you.
Thank you for agreeing to see me.
I called a few times, but you didn't pick up.
I had no idea.
My phone was in my pants pocket and I had it on vibrate.
And as you may have noticed - So, how's rehab? - Painful.
Well, the doctor says with a lot of hard work, you may be able to walk again someday.
Yes, they're very upbeat and optimistic.
I want to run them over with this chair.
So, why are you here? Well, I know we've been through a lot lately.
But I've decided it would be best for you to come home, so I can take care of you.
Yes, I'd rather be cared for by a flatulent helper monkey.
Orson, I know you're angry, but I'm still your wife.
Well, apparently we have very different definitions of the word "wife.
" - I'm proceeding with the divorce.
- I don't understand.
Three weeks ago you were begging me for another chance.
- What happened? - Karl Mayer happened.
I could forgive you if you'd betrayed me with anyone remotely admirable.
But you chose the most contemptible man I have ever known.
No, Bree.
I do not need you.
I'm having a ramp built at the house, and I've turned the downstairs study into your bedroom.
You're coming home where you belong and that's all there is to it.
You can start forgiving me and I'll start forgiving you.
I suggest you start first.
I don't understand.
How could you not know you're Mexican? We eat Mexican food all the time.
We eat Chinese food, too.
Does that mean I'm Chinese? No, that just means your mother hates to cook.
Well, apparently we have to spell everything out for you.
You do know you're a girl, right? - Gabby.
- What? Half the women in your family have mustaches.
It could be very confusing.
Juanita, go inside and play with your sister.
And while you're at it, tell her she's Mexican, too! I can't believe it.
We had that school right in our hands.
- How could we let it get away? - The bigger question is, how did we let our daughter grow up thinking she's white? - Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Solis.
- Hey, Parker.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to pick up some lumber to build that ramp for Orson.
Oh.
What a good person you are.
Hey, I need to pay the paper boy tomorrow.
- Do you have any cash? - I think I have a 20 on me.
Wouldn't you rather stick it in here? Couldn't we just leave it in the mailbox like we usually do? I just thought that's the way you do it down at Double D's.
- Double D's? - Yeah.
Turns out Karl was a part owner and left me his share.
By the way, Destiny says hello.
Oh, okay, I see where you're going with this.
Do you, Mike Delfino? That's what she calls you, you know.
Because that's my name.
No one hanging from a pole should know your name.
Susan, that place is one of my accounts.
- I'm their plumber.
- And that's it? You go there just to do the plumbing and nothing else? - Well - Liar! Destiny said you had a beer there the other night.
Okay, sometimes when I finish the job, I'll have a beer.
And you never look at the girls? It's completely innocent.
I don't buy that.
I want to see the "completely innocent" look you have when Destiny shakes her tassels in your face.
Okay, so I've gone to a strip club.
Are we gonna laugh about this or are you gonna make it a thing? Well, I'm leaning towards thing.
Fine.
If it bothers you that much, the next time I finish a job there, I'll come right home.
You don't have to worry because you will not be working there anymore.
I forbid it.
You forbid it? What kind of marriage is this? The kind where the husband wants to look at strippers and the wife forbids it.
Susan, I love you.
I have never cheated on you and I never will.
But you're not gonna tell me what I can or can't do.
Let me get this straight.
You forbid Mike from going to a strip club? I know.
It was a little heavy-handed, but I just can't stand those places.
What's the big whoop? Carlos takes clients to the strip club all the time.
I've been to one.
The Ass Menagerie.
It was my brother's bachelor party.
This stripper named Cinnamon gave me a lap dance.
Luckily, if I squinted just enough, she looked like a young Ricky Schroder.
See? This is the reason men go to those places.
So they can fantasize.
We all do it.
You fantasize about other men when you're with Carlos? Honey, Carlos has been so many different men I'm actually surprised when I open my eyes and it's Carlos.
Wanna know who I fantasize about? No, not necessarily.
Anyone want more wine? Tom Scavo.
Wine, now.
- Fourth of July barbecue.
- Those tan shorts.
Oh, I am there right now.
Okay, could we please get back to the issue at hand? Look, bottom line is you cannot forbid a man to go to strip clubs.
And don't expect him to understand why it bothers you.
That's just the way they are.
Right? Sorry.
I was just imagining Ricky Schroder wearing Tom Scavo's shorts.
Are you sure you want to just give away your CDs? The more you take, the less I have to pack.
In fact, is there anything else you want? Anything? Okay, how about Danny Bolen? He's not really mine to give.
Come on, he's totally into you.
Which is a complete mystery to me.
You know what? I think I'm just gonna keep my CDs.
Okay, I didn't mean it like that.
It's just You don't seem interested, and I have sent every signal I can think of.
Why are you so hung up on Danny? Hello? He's hot.
Okay, here's the thing.
Danny's in kind of a fragile place right now.
He really doesn't need to get his heart broken.
I'm not gonna snag him just to toss him aside.
I don't use people, Julie.
Okay, I've used some people.
But I wouldn't use him.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I think we have a lot in common, and if he'd just spend a little time with me, he'd realize that.
- You like stand-up comedy? - Yeah.
Too bad.
We're gonna go see Eddie.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
- How was work? - Crazy.
I had three conference calls and a two-hour client meeting with Gary Danner.
How was your day? Even crazier.
I peed twice in every bathroom in the house.
What's that? Little matching outfits for the twins that people gave us.
I thought I'd give them to charity.
I ran into the Petersons today.
They just heard, and wanted to see how you were.
Mmm.
So, Gary Danner, he's a prickly SOB.
Tell me about it.
Check out this proposal I worked up for him.
Hmm.
- What do you mean, "Hmm"? - I'm glad you showed this to me.
I know Danner and, trust me, you do not want to go down this road.
- Why not? - Don't worry.
I can fix it.
- Where's a pen? - Wait, honey.
Actually, I showed it to Danner today.
He loved it.
- Gary Danner liked this? - No, he loved it.
But not as much as Carlos.
He told me it was the best written proposal he's ever seen, bar none.
- What's for dinner? - Meat loaf.
What's wrong? Nothing.
It's just - That's quite a compliment.
- Yeah.
Not to mention a bit of a slam on the work that I did.
Honey, he's just encouraging me.
I don't think he was thinking about you at all.
Oh.
Okay.
By the way, this meat loaf, the best I've ever tasted.
- Bar none? Just eat.
- Hmm? - Wow, it's coming along beautifully.
- Thanks.
So, when's Orson coming home? Oh, uh It's still a bit up in the air.
But I guess now would be a good time to call him and let him know we're almost ready.
Yes.
Orson Hodge's room, please.
Would you stop hammering for a moment? He checked out? But that's impossible.
Where would he have gone? - Mike, please.
- It's not me.
Never mind.
I think I found him.
Oh, boy.
The fat's in the fire now.
What is going on here? The husband you're divorcing has found new digs.
Before you jump down my throat, Roy and I are on fixed incomes.
You can't blame us for taking in a boarder.
Especially one who can't get to the second story.
That's our naked floor.
- What are you doing here? - Enjoying my new home.
It's rather quaint, once you get used to the smell of denture cream and Scotch.
Don't mind me.
Just making sure you don't slap a guy in a wheelchair.
So, how are you planning to pay your rent? I'm a bit cash-strapped at the moment, but Karen knows I'm good for it.
Yeah, once he gets his divorce settlement, he's writing me a big, fat check.
So, how long are we talking? A month? Two? There will be no divorce.
And if he tries to file for one, there will be delays, motions and appeals.
It could take years for him to ever see a dime.
Your wife loves you.
Go home.
Bree, stop right now.
Do you hear me? So, am I taking down the ramp? Leave it.
You'll need it soon enough.
Almost home, dear.
Mike, call the police.
My wife is holding me hostage.
We've all been there, big guy.
- Lynette.
- Hi.
I had an appointment with my OB around the corner, and I just thought I'd stop by and say hi.
Oh.
I also wanted to thank you for being so nice to Tom, our little temp.
- How's he doing? - He's amazing.
It's okay, Carlos.
You can tell me the truth.
He's knocking my socks off.
Everybody is so impressed.
Well, good.
Good, good, good.
I'm so proud of him.
But when I drop this kid, - Tom's out on his ass, right? - Excuse me? I love him and I'm glad he's doing well here, but this is my job.
At some point, I'm gonna want it back.
And I say that as the woman who dove in front of a spinning propeller to save your child's life.
Of course this is your job.
And you can have it back any time you want.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
It's just that I was under the impression you were planning to stay at home with your baby.
And why would you be under that impression? That's what Tom said.
What exactly did Tom say? Lynette, I really don't want to get in the middle of this.
Carlos, I saved a member of your family.
It doesn't mean I can't take another one out.
And you can train a dog to do almost anything, but you can't do a cat.
Did you ever try to get a cat to fetch? They're like They won't do it.
Stupid cats.
Am I right, people? Well, hey, you guys have been great.
Good night.
Give it up for Eddie Orlofsky! Come on, folks! Yeah! So, what do you think? I never realized there were so many differences between dogs and cats.
That's why I'm the comic, babe.
I'm off to get my free drink.
Porter, I left my jacket in the car.
Walk me out? Jacket? It's hot as hell in here.
Now I feel the chill.
I got to use the bathroom.
- Okay, what is your problem? - Excuse me? Whenever we're alone together, you find some reason to bail.
Why aren't you into me? Ana, there's not a lot of room to be into you because of how much you're into you.
You did not just call me conceited.
Chill.
It's not like I asked you to spell it.
I'm not stupid.
And I'm definitely not the attention whore at this table.
I heard about your little stunt with the pills.
Okay, that was mean.
I'm sorry that I said that.
Don't be sorry.
You're right.
I like the blunt Ana more than the cute Ana.
So, you think I'm cute? You're home.
Perfect timing.
- Margaritas? What's the occasion? - We're getting drunk, Mexican style.
Principal Hobson just called and Juanita got accepted to Oakridge.
- Seriously? - I'm free from homeschooling.
No more fighting, no more threats, and no more parent-teacher conferences with you.
Come on, start guzzling.
I don't think she should go.
Huh? I've been thinking about it all day.
Let's keep her in public school.
We can't.
She was expelled.
I made some calls.
Jefferson Elementary can take her.
That's way out in Mount Pleasant.
Yeah, and there's a lot of Latino families that live in that area.
So what? We have a much better school right here in our backyard.
I'm not schlepping way over there just so she can be with those people.
Those people? Don't you mean our people? Our people are the rich private school people.
Oh, my God.
I know exactly what is going on here.
- What? - You are ashamed of being Mexican.
- That's insane.
- No, it totally makes sense.
All of our friends are white.
You didn't want me to teach the girls Spanish.
Because I don't understand it.
And I didn't want you guys plotting behind my back.
And when we bought this house and I said we would be the only Mexicans in the neighborhood, do you remember what you said? "Fine by me.
" You're right.
It's my fault.
I should have told the realtor, "Forget square footage and central air.
"Find us something next door to a mariachi bar.
" Deny it all you want.
You are a self-hating Mexican.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're a self-wiping Mexican.
What does that mean? Hey, you.
Traffic was insane.
Is there any dinner left? I haven't eaten since lunch.
- Everything okay? - I talked to Carlos today.
About what? He was under the impression that when I have this baby, I'll be staying home with her.
Where would he get a crazy idea like that? - I told him.
- Wow.
You're not even denying it? I thought it might be in your best interest.
Seriously? You know how much that job means to me.
You know how much I hate being a stay-at-home mom.
How could you think I'd be okay with this? Because we lost a baby.
Honey, I thought you might want to stay home with this one, because she's all the more precious, given what happened.
Oh.
So, that's how I'm supposed to feel? I don't know how you feel, Lynette, because you never talk about it.
It's been a month.
Every time I try to bring it up, - you change the subject.
- Because I'm dealing with it.
Shouldn't we be dealing with it together? - You want to talk about this? - Yes! Fine! We lost a kid.
We'll never meet him.
We'll spend the rest of our lives looking at one, always wondering why there aren't two! How can saying this out loud be helpful? You're right.
It's not.
You win.
After you have the baby, go back to your job.
Thank you.
You want me to fix you something? I'm not hungry anymore.
Hey, remember, fellows, these ladies don't work for free.
- Hey, Rooney.
- Hey, Mike.
Long time no see.
Yeah, I got the call about your john being backed up.
What? No, our bathrooms are working just fine.
That's weird.
Some woman called and said it was an emergency.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't know what to tell you.
All right, it's time to introduce our newest Double D doll, Miss Fix-it! What the hell? - Susan.
- Mike.
What are you doing here? What the hell are you doing? Since I am one of the owners, I figured I should really learn the business from my bottom up.
Hey, you mind? I'm trying to make a deposit here.
Hey! Will you come down from there right now? Why? They're just looking.
It's completely innocent, right? Hey, pal, sit down.
I didn't come here to see the back of your head.
This is not funny.
I can't talk.
I've got a room full of Neanderthals to entertain.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - What are you doing? - Just giving people what they want.
Don't you dare.
Susan, I'm serious.
I want you off of that stage, right now.
Wait.
Are you forbidding me from doing something? I thought we didn't have that kind of marriage.
Very cute.
But if I have to, I will carry you out of here myself.
What exactly is the problem, Mike? - Hey! - Come on.
Get off the stage! Okay, I get it.
I will never come back here.
Let's go home, Mrs.
Fix-It.
Wait, wait.
Pick up my tips! - What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Just some old photos.
I didn't know you had these.
We couldn't afford frames, so my dad would put these on the wall with tape.
- Is that you? - Yeah.
I was about five.
You're cute.
But that tool shed's seen better days.
That was our house.
Wow.
It's funny.
I'm smiling in all these photos, but I hated that town.
Everybody was so poor, everybody was Mexican.
Back then, I thought they were the same thing.
And even though I was only five, I knew I wanted out.
And you can call it self-loathing, Carlos, but I just don't want my kids to ever know I lived like that.
That's your dad? Yeah.
He was so strong.
I would run to meet him when he'd come home from working in the factories, and he'd lift me up on his shoulders.
- I loved that.
- I bet he did, too.
I used to ask him, "Papa, why do you work so much?" And he would say, "So one day we can live in a beautiful house.
" But we never did.
But you do now.
Your father had dreams, Gabby.
But they were for you.
And he sacrificed a lot to get you here.
Whatever our children achieve in life, it's because of dreams that started on the shoulders of a proud, strong Mexican man.
That is why I want our kids to know where they came from.
I want that, too.
So, how do your physical therapists think you're doing? Do they think you're making progress? Orson, it's been three days.
You're gonna have to talk to me sometime.
I know why you're doing this, Bree.
Reverend Sikes stopped by to check on my progress.
He was very proud of himself for convincing you to take me on as charity work.
It's not charity work.
When I had that affair, I didn't just betray you, I betrayed my faith as well.
So, please, you have to let me help you or I'm Or you won't get into heaven? I didn't realize how much this means to you.
I guess I can find a way to be happy.
Thank you so much, Orson.
I'm gonna take such good care of you.
By the way, my soup is cold.
Well, mine is hot.
You can have this.
But while you're up, could you get me a glass of wine? Yes, of course.
And perhaps for dessert, some of your delicious crème brûlée.
Orson, that takes over an hour to prepare.
Well, I would do it myself, but And we're out of vanilla beans, you might have to run to the store.
The act itself is quite simple.
You strip away the outer layer and reveal what's underneath.
Of course, sometimes the results can be quite surprising.
If you strip away the veneer of happy domesticity, you may find grief.
If you strip away that facade of wealth, you may find self-loathing.
If you strip away the veil of helplessness, you may find cruelty.
Yes, stripping can be a dangerous pastime, but for a lucky few, it can also be a lot of fun.