Frasier s06e12 Episode Script

Go ahead, Sophie, I'm listening.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
My husband's having some of his friends over to watch the game on Sunday, and I think it'd be nice if some of my girlfriends could come over too.
- Sounds reasonable.
- Exactly.
I mean, it's just football.
Not football, Einstein.
The Super Bowl.
That would be your doting husband now.
Larry, this is a private conversation.
And for God's sakes, use a plate.
Sophie, why don't you put your husband on the line? - Pick up.
- Jeez.
Hello? Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid I side with your wife on this one.
That just proves you don't know the first thing about football.
What I do or do not know about football has Okay, how's this? My wife's friends can come over if you can answer even one little football question.
Like I don't see that's necess You're down by six.
You're on your own 40.
Three seconds left.
What do you do? Well, all right.
You would You would take your receivers and line them up and then throw a pass.
A long, long pass.
Yeah, and what's the name for that? A Hail Mary.
Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game.
In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, I'm listening.
I'm impressed.
You're so good at charades.
I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
So, Roz, are you walking out? No, I got stuff to do.
I've got some cards to rack and I wanna put together some Best of Crane tapes.
- Oh, your mother's still in town? - In town, in my apartment.
And when I left this morning, in my refrigerator, smelling my milk.
- Oh, Lord.
- I love her, I just wish I could get a couple of hours to myself one night.
You know, why don't you just ask her? She might enjoy a little time to herself.
I know my dad does.
You are so lucky.
I wish my mother drank alone.
You know, Roz, your mom's about the same age as my dad, isn't she? - Yeah, I guess.
- Does she date much? Since my father left? Practically never.
No, hang on.
No, no, hear me out, Roz.
Now, Dad hasn't dated anybody since he and Sherry broke up.
I'm starting to worry he's lost his nerve.
A date with your mom could be a tremendous favour to him.
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, I'll tell you what.
It's awkward, but we can minimise that.
Niles and I are having dinner with him.
We'll take him to McGinty's, he'll feel comfortable.
You and your mom can just happen by.
We'll see what transpires.
They'll never even know it's a fix-up.
Oh, what the hell.
I'll give it a shot, I guess.
- Okay.
- How does 5 sound? Five? Your mother's ready for dinner at 5? I keep her on Wisconsin time.
That way, she's in bed by 8.
Hey, look what I got here, boys.
A Funyun Onion.
The chef sent it over with his compliments.
I wonder what his insults are like.
- Hey, Bonnie.
- Hey, Marty.
- Oh, you must be Frasier, - Why, yes.
- The big radio star.
- Hello.
- Your dad is so proud of you.
- Oh, Dad.
He talks about you all the time.
Who's your friend? Now, what's wrong with you? I told you about my other son.
Oh, of course.
What am I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.
This is Niles.
How about some beers, Bonnie? Coming right up.
- Oh, God.
- What? The group coming in the door.
They're from the Shangri-La.
- Whoa, it's the Coyote! Hey! - Yes, hello.
Evening, evening, Jimbo.
Check you later.
Wow, you got a nickname down there already.
- That's great.
The Coyote? - Yes, yes.
And how did you earn that honorific? It was quite the merry road, yes.
It evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E.
Coyote and now, simply, the Coyote.
Well, just when I thought it couldn't be refined any further.
Goodness, look who's here.
Roz! What? We don't see enough of each other during the day? Isn't this amazing? Hello, Joanna.
- It's nice to see you again, Frasier.
- Nice to see you again too.
Please, won't you sit down and join us? Oh, no, no, we don't want to intrude.
Oh, no, no, no, please, please, please, the more the merrier.
All right.
Mom, this is Frasier's dad, Martin Crane.
- This is my mother, Joanna Doyle.
- Very nice to meet you.
- And this is my other son, Niles.
- How do you do? - It's a pleasure.
- Likewise.
Roz, would you just look at the two of them? How did you two manage to finish all that? Oh, please, this is how our generation ate every day.
I used to live on cigarettes, whisky sours and bacon cheeseburgers.
Yeah, and what about breakfast? Fried eggs, sausage patties, hash browns.
My God.
Last night, I ate a profiterole and lay awake till dawn, waiting for my heart attack.
Those were simpler times, weren't they, Marty? Oh, yeah, we didn't worry about dumb things like cholesterol.
We worried about putting food on the table, keeping the yard clean and the car shiny.
- And the H-bomb.
- Well, yeah, right.
Say, Roz, we better get going if we're gonna get our work done tonight.
Oh, I should be running too.
But Mom and I are going to that jazz club on 5th.
But we promised to finish those promos tonight.
Oh, right.
- Mom, I'm sorry.
I totally forgot.
- It's okay.
Wait, I've got an idea.
Dad, since I'm kidnapping Roz, why don't you take Joanna to the jazz club? Well, sure, I'd love to.
- Is that okay with you, Mom? - If Martin's game, I'm game.
- Oh, well, perfect.
- Great.
Okay, you kids just have some coffee.
We'll see you back at the apartment later, okay? All right, all right.
- It was very, very nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
Look at them.
They think we don't know this is a setup.
Well, how could we figure it out? We're just a retired detective and an attorney general.
You were absolutely right.
They didn't suspect a thing.
I told you, Roz, just leave it to the master.
God, I thought they'd be home by now.
Roz, would you please relax and watch the pageant with us? They're right in the middle of the talent competition.
It's shameless the way they're sucking up to the international panel of judges.
Miss Germany just played "Lady of Spain" on her French horn.
At least it wasn't half as bad as that tone-deaf performance by the aptly named Miss Singapore.
Roz, you're gonna chew that nail right off.
Stop it.
I can't help it.
I'm nervous.
Do you think it's gonna turn out okay? - Who cares? - Not for Miss Brazil.
Look at the tree trunks on her.
She's her own little rainforest.
I just keep worrying that she's gonna have a lousy time and it'll be all my fault.
Screwing up, like always.
Oh, come on, Roz, your mother doesn't think you're a screw-up.
Yeah? In high school, I ran my own informal shoplifting clinic.
In college, I dropped out of pre-law because it interfered with Bruce Springsteen's touring schedule.
And now, I am currently an unwed mother.
- What would you call me? - Tramp.
Daphne! It's Miss Venezuela.
If that dress of hers was slit any higher, you could see Caracas.
Oh, Roz, you know what? So what if they don't get along? I mean, my God, so we made a mistake.
You don't understand.
My mother doesn't make mistakes.
She does everything well.
She's smart, successful, classy.
Oh, what the hell was I thinking? About what? Setting her up with my father? - No, that's not what I meant.
- That is exactly what you meant.
Well, okay, Frasier.
No offence, your father is a very nice man, but let's face it.
My mother was the attorney general of Wisconsin.
Well, I hope he remembers to curtsy before the Dairy Queen.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna watch this in my room.
Miss Finland just laid out her plan to end world hunger and I missed it.
- Oh, Lord, okay.
- They're back.
Oh, Roz, that is the best promo of all.
Oh, hi.
How was your evening? Oh, the jazz was first-rate, but I'm afraid I talked Martin's ear off.
Oh, you're crazy.
Your mother tells wonderful stories, Roz.
- I could have listened to her all night.
- You are either too kind or a little tipsy.
But thank you.
- Come on, Lambie.
- Okay, let me get my coat.
I really had a lovely time.
Well, I can't remember when I had a better time.
We're gonna have to do this again.
- Bye, Frasier.
- Good night, Joanna.
- Lambie.
- Bye.
So tell me all about it.
Come on.
Well, being a gentleman, I don't wanna go into details.
- So suffice it to say, it stunk! - What? That was the dullest evening of my life.
- The way she drones on and on.
- Oh, no.
Do you know how many metric tons of eggs Wisconsin produces every year? - No.
- Well, I do.
Look, Frasier, I know you meant well.
But if you ever set me up again, I'll kill you in your sleep.
Good night.
Roz.
I told my mom to meet me downstairs.
I just had to come up and tell you.
She had the best time.
She can't wait to go out with your father again.
Will you tell him to call her tomorrow? Frasier, this whole thing worked out like a dream.
It's amazing.
Her voice is still echoing in my head.
Yes, it's like a fairy tale over here too.
I've just got to find some way to tell Roz.
Well, why? It's just gonna hurt her mom's feelings.
Her feelings are gonna be hurt anyway.
She's here till Sunday.
She's expecting him to call.
Oh, dear God.
At least this way, Roz can let her down easy.
It looks like both of us have difficult conversations ahead of us.
- What's yours? - All week long, I have been getting less coffee and more foam in my cappuccino.
It's about time for someone to raise a little hell.
Who's on steamer duty? Well, it's that hulking fellow, Thad.
The one who doesn't react when his arm touches the steamer nozzle.
Where is that suggestion box? - Oh, hey, Frasier.
- Oh, Roz, hi.
Double espresso to go, please.
Listen, I really need to thank you again.
My mother had the best time last night.
And when we got home, we started talking.
We ended up staying up half the night.
- Oh, Roz, I'm glad for you, but - It was like a wall came down.
She just opened up to me.
She started telling me about how hard it was on her when my dad left and how Ionely she's been.
It was like she was talking to a girlfriend, instead of her screw-up daughter.
So has Martin called her yet? No.
But he will, soon.
He had a really busy morning.
How does his weekend look? Because she's leaving Sunday night.
Sunday? Oh, well, let's see.
Tonight is poker night.
That's no good.
Saturday, he's made plans to drive Duke to Tacoma for that all-day Tacoma fest.
Well, and Sunday we go to a matinee and then I drive her to the airport.
Oh, darn.
Wait a minute, I can give my ticket to Martin and they can go together.
No, no, no, Sunday's no good, because that's - Oh, right.
It's the Super Bowl.
- Right.
The Super Bowl.
And you know how Dad is about football.
It's like a religion to him.
In fact, he's made Niles and I promise that we'd watch it with him this year.
Oh, well, okay, let's just forget about the tickets and we'll come over to your place and watch the game.
Is there any reason why that won't work? Not that I can come up with.
That's great.
My mom's gonna be so excited.
- Oh, thank you, Niles.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll see you Sunday at your Super Bowl party.
I see you told Roz the news and she went insane.
Couldn't do it.
Told her we were watching the Super Bowl with Dad, and she and her mother are coming over.
This is a nightmare.
I know, I know.
I've got to find some way to tell Dad.
I have to watch the Super Bowl? Suppose the sooner I tell him, the better.
Oh, not necessarily.
- What do you mean? - Well, you know Dad.
If you warn him Joanna's coming over, he'll just bolt to McGinty's.
If I were you, I would wait till five minutes before game time, then spring it on him.
That way, he has no choice but to stay.
Well, I think I owe him more than five minutes' warning.
Besides that, Dad would never deliberately hurt Joanna by standing her up.
He is first and foremost a gentleman.
I saw Roz, so I hid outside in case that old gasbag of a mother was with her.
Well, I guess she wasn't.
Everybody's still awake.
Here we go.
Look at those guys in the locker room.
Nervous, hearts pounding, probably a little sick to their stomachs.
- The poor kids.
- Yes.
Until I got out of high school, I didn't know there was any other way to feel in a locker room.
What's the matter with you? You keep looking at your watch.
- Was I? - Yeah.
Is there something on your mind? No.
No, no, no.
But there's something I need to talk to you about, but now is not the time.
- Now is the time.
- Just let me get the door.
No, Dad, that's what I have to talk to you about.
See, that's gonna be Roz and her mother.
- What? - Well, Joanna had such a good time with you the other night, and you did say that you would see her again.
Rather than send her home with her feelings hurt, - I told her you wanted her here.
- What, like a date? That's the beauty of it.
It's like a date, but it's not a date.
You just, you know, make small talk.
You pass the dip.
No, Frasier, you don't understand.
Look, Dad, I know that you found her a little less than scintillating, but please, it'll be over before you know it.
Hey, Frasier.
- Hi, Bonnie.
- Martin.
Hey, Bonnie, glad you could make it.
Let me hold that, yes.
See, this is what I was trying to tell you, Frasier.
- I invited Bonnie.
- Oh, how nice.
So, what do you got here? Oh, it's my special devilled ham in the shape of a football.
But I still need to put on some macaroni laces.
Oh, okay.
Well, the kitchen's right down there.
Just holler if you need anything.
What did you invite her for? I like her, I thought I might want to ask her out and if she came over, that'd be a step in the right direction.
You know, I mean, like a date, but not a date.
That's gonna be Roz and her mother.
Should I put some coffee on while I'm here? You better.
We're gonna need it.
Come on, would it kill you to be civil for the length of one Super Bowl? What is that, an hour out of your life? - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry, come on in.
- Thank you so much for inviting us.
- It wouldn't be any fun without you.
Could you show my mom where Alice can finish her nap? I'm sure Dad would love to.
Dad? My pleasure, yeah.
Just come this way, Joanna.
So you're a big football fan? No, actually, I've never even seen a game.
I was hoping you would explain as we go along.
Okay, who's hungry? Oh, hi, I'm Bonnie.
Hi.
From McGinty's.
Oh, I didn't know you were coming.
Yeah, Martin invited me.
He was real cute about it.
He checked with all the waitresses to find out if I was single.
Yes, well, you know how Dad is.
He's always trying to Hey, hey, the Coyote.
- Find a new girl for Niles.
Niles, you remember Bonnie.
She waited on us at McGinty's.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'll have a vodka martini, very dry.
Don't be silly, Niles.
Bonnie is here as our guest.
Yeah, your dad thought you two might hit it off.
The Super Bowl and a date.
Hot diggity.
Well, come here.
You're just in time for my specialty.
Isn't that interesting? Something formerly ham.
- Well, I'm off to the cinema.
- You're not staying for the game? Sorry, but American football's not for me.
And they're showing Wuthering Heights downtown.
I think it's the most romantic movie ever made.
- You're going alone? - Yes, unfortunately.
It's more fun to go with someone.
Except, of course, it always ends the same way.
Me weeping all over me date's shoulder, while he does what he can to comfort me.
Well, you should've seen me cry putting onions in this ham loaf.
I must have gone through a whole roll of toilet paper.
Well, enjoy your game.
Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? That's amazing.
You do all that you do and still have time to be a docent at the cheese museum on the weekends.
Frasier, can I see you in the kitchen? Just a second, Dad.
I gotta take drink orders in here.
Thanks for setting me up with that SPAM-happy tootsie.
What are you talking about? Bonnie.
Frasier told me you invited her here for me.
I invited her here for me.
He said I invited her for you because he didn't wanna hurt Miss Boring's feelings.
Now, now, no private conversations.
Your dates are waiting.
- They're not our dates.
- We hate them.
Now, listen, I realise that this is a very difficult situation, but if we all cooperate, we can send everybody home happy.
And, Dad, if you would like, you can discreetly take Bonnie aside and tell her what's going on.
- Bonnie, can I tell you something? - I said discreetly.
I think the game is about to start.
Oh, that reminds me.
I wanna get Alice's bottle warming.
- Oh, you have a baby? - Oh, the most adorable little girl.
Yeah, she's a real beaut.
You ought to see her, Bonnie.
- You can come when I feed her.
- No, you go ahead and get that ready.
I'll show Bonnie.
It's right through there.
Now, Dad, don't you get fresh with Niles' girl there.
Oh, I won't if he won't.
Your father is really smitten with that baby, isn't he? I think he's just got a weak spot for the Doyle women.
- Oh, now.
- Yes.
Well, he may appear to have a crusty exterior, but deep down inside, Dad's just an old softy.
Well, there's the kid.
Kind of a gooney-looking thing, isn't she? Is that Dad? Look, Bonnie, I gotta tell you something.
I didn't ask you here for Niles.
I asked you here for me.
It's the baby monitor.
We should - I wanna hear this.
- I thought you were with Joanna.
No, no, Frasier and Roz set us up last week.
I told Frasier I thought she was a big snooze, especially compared to the fun you and I have at the bar, but he stuck me with her again.
You know, I think they know it's on.
- They're just having some fun with us.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I better go tell him - Frasier, Frasier, just stay put.
Then Niles isn't my date? Oh, there's a relief.
- I mean, no offence, Marty, but - Hey, you don't have to tell me.
Okay.
If anybody wants me, I'll be at the movies.
So you really like me? You're not just pulling my leg? - You want proof? - I think we can turn this off now.
Joanna, I am so sorry.
- I know it sounded bad, but - No, no, no, not at all.
I'm sure your father meant "big snooze" in the most flattering sense.
- Roz, maybe we should leave.
- What were you thinking? Oh, Roz, I certainly wasn't thinking that he had a date planned.
I'm just gonna get Alice.
Mom, I'm so sorry.
Believe me, 20 years in politics, I've been called worse things than boring.
Well, I hope you'll understand if I just slip out - without saying goodbye to Martin.
- Of course, Joanna.
The last thing we need today is another awkward situation.
Roz, knock, will you?! - I left my diaper bag.
- Right.
Here you go.
- Can you come in for a bit? - I really shouldn't.
Roz, I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
I mean, I'm not gonna say that my mother wasn't hurt.
But she did start to smile a little bit about it on the way to the airport.
You know, I've been, well, sitting here, trying to figure out why I was so eager to play matchmaker for Dad.
Oh, you're not alone.
I mean, I was excited once I thought it was going well.
Well, I suspect I wasn't doing it so much for him as it was doing it for me.
You know, I see him here all the time, all alone.
I wonder if maybe that's not gonna be me someday.
Oh, my God, I think the same thing sometimes when I see these older ladies in my building.
They all wanna babysit Alice, just for the company.
I mean, she's a cute baby, but she ain't no Dorothy Parker.
Oh, well, you know, we're both gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
- I was just thinking, though, if we want to play it safe, we could make one of those pacts.
Oh, you mean like, in 40 years, if neither one of us finds anyone? Yeah, exactly.
We'll marry each other.
I was gonna say kill each other.
Well, six of one.
Bye.