Married with Children s06e12 Episode Script

We'll be right back with our winning lottery numbers.
Don't forget, this week's jackpot is up to $32 million.
Oh, $32 million.
Boy, that's a lot of money even split three ways.
Aren't we forgetting someone? Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
I mean four ways.
Of course we'll give some to Buck.
I know what I'm gonna do with mine.
I'm gonna share mine with the poor and unfortunate.
Yup, the poor unfortunate babes who haven't yet experienced waking up with a Bud in their hands.
Well, at least you have.
Besides, I don't think you deserve a full share.
I mean, after all, you were left on our doorstep by trolls.
At least when I was born, and the doctor spanked me I cried instead of saying "Thanks.
I like it rough.
" Mom, did I talk to the doctor when I was born? Of course not, honey.
You didn't learn to talk until you were 10.
Now, kids, I want you to be nice to each other.
I'm not always gonna be around, you know especially if these numbers come up.
They're flashing the numbers, they're flashing.
Read them, read them! Okay.
- We got a seven.
- Yeah.
- Sixteen.
- Yeah.
- Eighteen.
- Yeah.
- Twenty-two.
- Yeah.
- Twenty-eight.
And 34.
- Yeah.
How many did we get? None.
God, nothing for 12 weeks in a row.
Is that some kind of a record, Mom? Not for me.
My child.
My child.
My God.
Al, this is the third day in a row you've come home happy.
Now, I just had a physical, and I'm fine.
So, what are you so happy about? What if I said that I've come to grips with my job and I've come to appreciate what the three of you mean to my life? - We'd say you were lying.
- And you'd be right.
Al, spit it out.
What is it? All right.
I guess it can't do any harm to tell you.
A pretty girl has come into the store every day and flirted with me.
I think she likes me.
I'm not kidding.
She's a shoe groupie.
- Shoe groupie! - Shoe groupie! What's so funny about that? Nothing, Dad.
A lot of people think rock stars get the best groupies but now it's clear.
Nothing gets them antsy like a shoehorn in your "pantsy.
" That's funny, Mom.
What's wrong, Mom? Your father's cheating on me.
I am not.
I know you are.
You waited until I was a tad over 30 and you cheated on me.
I have two things to tell you.
I would never cheat on you.
And if you think you're just a tad over 30 then I was just a tad drunk at our wedding.
Oh, all right, if it bothers you I won't mention my groupie.
It's no big deal.
Yes! Kids, I have to know the truth.
I also have to go to the bathroom, so I'll make this quick.
I want you to break into the shoe store tomorrow morning and spy on everything your father does.
Okay, we'll do it, Mom, but I'm telling you, he is not cheating on you.
What's that sound? Oh, my God.
It's the shower.
He's bathing.
She's lost him.
Isn't there a better place to hide? I mean, he has to come here every time he sells a shoe.
Sorry.
Well, this should be interesting.
I always wondered what Dad does all day.
Open for business.
Quite an advertisement for college, eh, Kel? What do you mean? God, he hasn't moved.
Three dollars and twenty-five cents an hour.
How can they afford to pay him? Oh, wait, I think he's moving.
All aboard! - It's the groupie! - It's the groupie! Sir.
Take a number.
What is your number? One.
- How may I serve you? - I want my money back.
These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is to you.
I've only worn them once and they split at the sides.
Let me explain.
See, it's just like an elevator.
There's a two-ton weight limit on these shoes.
What say I nail the soles directly to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
You'll be hearing from my attorney.
Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs? Serving number two.
Number two? Oh, God.
Well, Kel, I think we can go home now.
The only person Dad's cheating on Mom with is death.
Excuse me, but that must be my dinner.
Easy now, Hoppity.
She's not Buck.
She'll run away.
You're looking handsome today, Al.
I brought you some muffins.
As pretty as you are.
God, it is disgusting what a woman in a short skirt can do to a man.
Could you show me something in a four-inch heel? I can.
Hey, now.
Now, how does that feel? Like heaven.
I love to see a man on all fours.
You know, I've felt a lot of hands on my feet but yours are so strong yet so yielding.
That's high school football.
When I was on the team and the play called for a strong but yielding hand I don't want to hear about football.
Tell me something exciting.
Tell me about selling shoes.
I remember a cold day, winter of '68.
I was just a young heel then.
Don't stop, baby.
You know, Bud she just may be the shoe groupie.
You're gonna make some guy a fine end table one day, Kelly.
I looked her right in the foot and said: "I don't need no stinking shoe-sizer.
You're a size seven, baby.
" - Oh, God.
- Yes, I know.
I know.
Bud, we've got a real problem.
How do we tell Mom? And do we tell Mom? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
Well, what'd you find? What'd you find? Let's see.
She deserves to know.
But then she'll be mad at Dad.
And she'll be hurt.
Do I betray Dad without hearing his side of the story? What a dilemma.
I wonder what Kelly's thinking.
Eenie-meenie chili beanie The spirits are about to speak Are they friendly spirits, Bullwinkle? Well, kids, did you find anything? Well, he sat there for hours.
He went to the bathroom.
He looked at his watch, and he insulted a fat woman.
Oh, and don't forget the pretty woman who was all over him.
Oh, yeah.
And that.
But nothing happened.
Yeah, they didn't have intercourse or anything.
Just tickled her feet and ate her muffins and she left.
Oh, my God.
It's not just sex? He's eating with her too? Don't worry, Mom.
It's nothing.
I mean, Bud's done more with a girl.
Bud.
What'd she look like, Kelly? - Well, she's - Well, wait a second.
Put this groupie thing aside for a second.
You know damn well I've had more women Al, you can forget about having sex with me ever again.
I already did.
What'd I do? You were seen eating the muffins of your mistress.
I think it's time for us to get out of here.
No, seriously, I've had plenty of babes.
Yeah, you just don't see them because I like to keep my sex to myself.
And you're doing a good job.
No one's guessed what your sex is yet.
Well, Al, you wanna explain yourself? Well, I left high school and lost the will to live.
And here I am.
What are we talking about? You cheated on me with that shoe groupie.
Oh, is that what this is all about? I never touched her.
Look, she likes me.
I can't help that.
I can't hide what I've got.
It's not my fault if my butt has the classic shoe-man shape.
Moulded from years of getting down, getting up getting down, until it's the firm round apple you see before you.
You may as well blame the bird for flying.
We've heard all about it.
If anyone wants to talk, you know that I can be a calm and objective ear.
- Well, I'd like to say some - Out of my way, pig.
I know these must be trying times for you.
Come tell me everything.
I can be a good shoulder to cry on.
- Oh, Marcie, I'm so upset.
- Into the mike, hon.
The girls at the beauty parlour have a right to know.
I feel so betrayed.
Am I speaking loud enough? Al, I just want you to know that I'm not prejudging you.
- Well, thanks, buddy.
- So how was she? I never touched her.
So she did all the work? God, I love that.
And that's not all.
He ate muffins.
He never eats anything I make.
I tell you, if I'd ever actually done anything for him I'd be feeling the fool right now.
Hi, Betty.
Hi, Mavis.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
Anyhow, I'm hurt.
Hurt, I say.
Does anyone wanna hear my side of this? No need.
You, sir, are a cheat and a liar.
Now, I have the name of a woman attorney who will chew Al up and spit him out.
That's who I would use to bleach my husband's bones if he even looked at another woman while he was wearing my brand.
Isn't that right, cinnamon buns? That would only be fair, bonbon bottom.
I see now I have to kill her.
All right, that's enough.
Now, I have a little announcement.
Now, I can understand why you all would think that I was cheating on my wife.
After all, she did bear my children.
Bud and nobody sitting in a tree K-l Something, something, Something, something, T But I am a man of my word and I say I did not cheat.
Now I expect apologies from all of you.
Which one's gonna be first? Very nice.
If Buck could talk he'd take my side.
If I could talk, I would have gotten the Carson job.
May the shoe business take you all.
I shall now take my leave.
And none of you have earned the right to look at my heinie.
They all think I'm guilty.
I should've done it.
I got a good mind to go back to the shoe store, eat some muffins and before I fall asleep, give her the best 30 seconds of her life.
Opportunity never comes when you want it.
Take me, shoe man.
- How'd you get in here? - A ladder.
It was hanging outside your daughter's window.
- Are you wearing anything under there? - Just a pair of high heels.
Now, look here, miss, I won't I won't stand that kind of behaviour.
This is a sex-free house, and by golly, it will be for the rest of my life.
Talk shoe to me.
It was a warm day in August.
The shoeboxes were throbbing No, no, I can't.
I'm married to a woman named something.
You're gonna have to leave.
There's nothing you can do that'll make me leave.
I don't wanna get tough with you, miss, but you leave me no choice.
Oh, take off the socks.
The socks.
Al, do you have your shoes off up there? There are people breathing down here, for God's sakes.
She doesn't deserve a man like you.
Try me on for size.
Peg! Peg! Peg! Peg! What is it, Al? Nothing.
Where's Marcie and Jefferson? In my anger, I let it slip out that you still cry at the end of Bambi.
They're out spreading the word.
I thought we had a trust.
Well, so did I, cheater.
Peg.
We have to talk.
Well, I don't know what we have to talk about.
I can understand those other times you cheated.
That 10-cents-a-week raise you pocketed for yourself back in '72.
Those M&M's that you had hidden in the aspirin bottle.
Yup.
I know about that.
But this is different, Al.
How could you do this to me especially when you know how sensitive I am? Now, listen, Peg.
If I was gonna leave you, it wouldn't be for a woman.
I don't want another woman.
We might have another TV, though.
You know what I'd really like, one of those picture-in-a-picture jobs.
Sometimes they got a game on, at the same time they got a hooter movie.
Flipping back and forth between the channels makes me kind of anxious.
Oh, well, maybe some other time.
Anyhow, I never have, nor will I ever cheat on you.
- Really, Al? - Really, Peg.
But I did have the opportunity.
Well, what stopped you? I don't know.
Well, I do.
It's because we've been married for 20 years.
We have 20 years of the same memories.
Same disappointments.
The same life.
Anyone else would've left us by now.
But we can't, and we never will because you know that we were meant for each other.
Oh, my God, that is it.
I've never been so depressed.
Oh, Al, you do love me.
- Give me a kiss.
- I've warned you about touching me.
Come on, honey, let's go upstairs.
Oh, why not? Already hit rock bottom.
What is it, Al? Can't go upstairs.
Why not? Because I'm so hot, I want you here, right now.
Oh, Al.
- Let me just get comfortable.
- All right, Peg.
No, sweetheart, I wanna cuddle first.
Al, honey, tell me something were you ever tempted by that woman? You know, even a little bit? No.
Because you know, at your age, that was probably your last chance.
I know.