Mike & Molly s06e12 Episode Script

1 Previously on Mike & Molly You guys did very well.
I think you're perfect candidates for adoption.
- Oh, that's great.
- (sighs) Thank you so much.
So, the next thing for us to do is schedule a home visit.
Whose home? Yeah, we are totally committed to creating a healthy and safe environment - for this child.
- Yeah.
I promise you, we will take good care of it.
(crib door slides) I appreciate you being so thorough and open.
Most couples hoping to adopt aren't as forthcoming.
So, about your living situation.
- We live alone.
- Just the two of us.
Why do we have to take new holiday photos for the adoption agency? I mean, I look fantastic in these old ones.
Because we have to show expectant mothers that, if they pick us, that their child will be raised in a safe and wholesome environment.
What's not wholesome here? Wine glass.
Shot glass.
Beer bong.
Bong bong.
Okay, all right, let's make some memories, people.
Victoria, hold the branch up.
Mike, grab an ornament.
Mom.
Get a shot of us decorating the Christmas tree.
Got it! Okay, next.
Lose the sweater! Okay, we got to celebrate two birthdays, we got to carve some pumpkins, we got to pose for that Fourth of July picture in front of the neighbor's pool before they get home.
Are we doing Halloween now or do I have time to run to Costco? La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love All right, what number did you give the agency? I gave them everyone's number.
Uh, my phone, your phone, the house phone, the work phone.
Everything except Victoria's dealer and Vince's bookie.
Maybe they hated our photo album, huh? Oh, God I never should have included that old-timey picture we did at Six Flags.
Now I bet they think we're really wanted.
Sweetie, it's only been a week.
The last thing they said was, "Be patient, these things take time.
" What the hell kind of advice is that to give to an expectant parent? (chuckles) Mol, a real baby takes nine months.
The least we could do is give them two weeks.
Two weeks? (gasps) I thought you wanted a baby.
Okay, if you're not all in, tell me now because I will raise it on my own.
Take it easy, okay? We're both on the same side here.
Then why aren't you all crazy like me? Because I leave the house.
You're in this cage all day pacing around like that cross-eyed zebra at the zoo we sneak marshmallows to.
Poor little Stewart, he don't see right.
What do you say we get the hell out of here and take a walk.
(sighs) You're right.
I'm sorry I'm acting like this.
I'm not.
Just shows how much you want this and what a good mom you're gonna be.
(breathes deeply) Fresh air.
Blue sky.
What a day.
(sighs) All right.
I'm good.
No, you don't.
No, no, no.
Come on, we should at least make it down to the sidewalk.
(phone ringing inside) Did you bring the house key? Me? No, you're the one who dragged me out here.
I was happy inside.
What are we supposed to do now? I don't know.
All I know is our baby is calling on the other side of that door.
(phone ringing) Don't hang up! Don't hang up! Don't hang up! (groans) (panting): Hello? Hello? No, Vince, we do not need anything from Costco.
Ten years on the job.
I never had to kick in a door until it was my own.
Does that ankle look swollen to you? They both do.
But I'm guessing it's water retention.
Yeah, I think it's all that salt you eat.
Not in the mood, Carl.
Hey, listen, we both have to watch our sodium.
Look how fat my fingers are.
Can't even wear my thumb ring.
Get out.
It's just this whole baby thing has got us on edge, you know? I'm trying to be strong for Molly, but I'm going just as nuts as she is.
Well, you know what I always say.
It'll happen when it happens.
Really? Is that when it happens, Carl? When it happens? Well, not with that attitude.
Look, you don't know what we're going through.
It's like slow torture waiting for that phone to ring.
All right.
I can see that this is tearing you apart, and I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you may need to talk to a professional.
Like a therapist? No, better.
My psychic.
Get out of here.
I'm telling you, man, Madame Vianne is the real deal.
She knows all, she sees all.
And she's a life coach.
And if you need anything notarized, bring that, too.
(whirring) (continues whirring) What's all that racket? Oh, that? Don't worry.
After a half hour, you won't even notice it.
How was brunch? It was good.
I had the poached salmon Benedict.
What? I had the poached salmon Benedict! Have you ever had it with crab?! - What?! - What?! This is ridiculous.
We'll talk later! What?! Molly! - (waxer turns off) - Molly.
What the hell are you doing? Waxing the floors.
Why? 'Cause I'm trying to stay busy in this cage before my eyes go wonky.
What? I'm just trying to take my mind off of stuff.
Have you tried meditation? Or getting real drunk? So when the adoption agency calls, I'm gonna be blotto? - (doorbell rings) - Is that what you want? I can see my reflection.
You're gonna have to start wearing underwear in here.
Why? I'm just as waxed as this floor.
(doorbell continues ringing) Don't worry, Vince, I'll get the door.
All right, I figured you want to keep busy.
Is there a baby yet? Yeah, Peggy.
Meet your grandchild.
He's right there on the couch.
This whole adoption process is ridiculous.
You know, if you were a celebrity, this house would be swimming in Third World babies.
Well, if you're open to that, I know a guy who can get his hands on just about anything.
Got me the socks Saddam Hussein was wearing when they hung him.
Get out of here.
No, I'm serious.
I got the certificate of authenticity and everything.
No, get out of here.
Get out of here.
Get out of here! God, do you ever want to just kill somebody? Everybody.
All the time.
You know, I wouldn't say this in front of Mike, but I'm starting to think this is not gonna happen.
Of course it's gonna happen.
You don't know that.
Yes, I do, 'cause I got faith.
Which is exactly what you need.
Grab your coat, you're coming with me.
- Where? - I'm taking you to my friend's house.
My buddy God and his little boy Jesus.
Oh, I-I appreciate what you're doing, but, uh, I'm not really tight with those guys.
Well, I am.
I've done a lot of dirty work for our Lord.
It's time for him to pay up.
And bring your mother and sister, too.
You'll look better in his eyes if they're next to you.
Makes sense.
I mean I get that.
You know what? Mom? Victoria? We're going to church! Please tell me that's the name of a new club.
No, it's the real deal.
It's for the baby.
I'll put on underwear.
I feel a little nervous being here.
I've done some sinful things in my life.
I've done sinful things in the last two hours.
I know, Mom.
We have thin walls.
It doesn't matter.
That's the beauty of religion.
You can do all sorts of unnatural acts and come in here and (clicks tongue) clean-slate it.
God is forgiving.
Not the God I pray to.
You want forgiveness? Go to the hippie Lutheran joint down the street.
The God that lives here is angry and vengeful.
Well, then is he really the one to help us? Vince has got a guy who can get us a baby and a 60-inch plasma.
No, this is gonna work.
You just got to do exactly as I say.
Here.
A St.
William Medal.
Patron Saint of adoption.
Are you seriously telling me that if I wear that, I'm gonna get a baby? Don't be ridiculous, it's not magic.
You got to wear it for a few days, spit on it, and bury it in the backyard.
Then you get a baby.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Anything we can do? A rain dance? Jump in a volcano? You want to jump in a volcano, I'm not going to stop you.
Peggy, it's real sweet of you to try to help, but I don't think Molly is, like, really going to Bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay.
How many days, how much spit, and how deep do I have to bury it? I can't believe you dragged me to this place.
Just relax, okay? We're gonna hear what she says, and if you don't like it, we'll leave.
That sounds like the same thing you said when you tricked me into going to that time-share thing.
Man, we had to stay until the first break or we wouldn't have got the rolling suitcases.
Hello, Carl.
I see you brought a friend.
Ah, I told you she was good.
Uh, Mike, this is Madame Vianne.
Madame Vianne, my best friend and spiritual brother, Mike Biggs.
Nice to meet you.
But, just to be clear, uh, I-I didn't want to come.
Oh, I sensed that.
- Mm, very intuitive.
- Shut up.
But you wouldn't have come at all unless you were looking for answers.
True.
I sense there's a hole and you're waiting for something to fill it.
Something you fear will never come.
Mm-hmm.
And it's not just affecting you, it's affecting someone you love very much.
Mm-hmm.
And if this hole is filled, it will make the two of you happier than you've ever been.
(shakily): Mm-hmm.
Didn't I tell you she was good? (high-pitched): Mm-hmm.
(sighs) Look, I'm just gonna be straight.
I, uh, I just jumped on your bandwagon this afternoon, but you know that and Had my issues with you in the past: the the wars and the diseases.
I mean, come on, the Cubs.
But I think we can put all that aside and just kind of get Mama a baby.
Amen.
Please and thank you.
Yes.
- What are you doing? - What? - Are you praying? - No.
Well, yeah, praying that I find the earring that I dro Oh, you know what? It's right there.
Last place you ever look.
Right in the old ear.
How was your day? Good, good, good.
Yours? Good.
Great.
Excellent.
- Did you talk to Jesus today? - What? About fixing the front door? (Spanish pronunciation): Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah.
- Uh No, I-I didn't hear back from him.
Well, it's like I always said, "It'll happen when it happens.
" - So true.
- Yeah.
It's in his hands now.
May he be guided by the oracle of light.
- What? - What? Nothing, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Okay.
Good night.
Are you as big of a mess as I am? Worse.
(sighs) That makes me feel so much better.
- Night.
- Good night.
Any word from the adoption agency? No, but now I got a $60 rock in my pocket that Madame Vianne says is supposed to attract positive energy.
(blows raspberry) Okay, first of all - (glass clinks) - it's not a rock.
It's a amethyst, okay? And secondly, you're supposed to be carrying it on your left side.
(chuckles) It ain't no opal.
What are you thinking? I feel like a fool.
You are not a fool.
You're just a man who wants a baby and you're gonna do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Even if it means listening to some crazy gypsy.
Gypsy? No, she's from Toronto.
Wait, Madame Vianne? That charlatan? (sucks lips) Any amateur magician could do what she does.
Oh, you just got sour grapes 'cause she said you'll never get married.
No.
She didn't say "never," she said "not in this lifetime.
" Same as when I asked her out.
What do you suppose she meant when she said I would never receive a new love until I let go of an old love? Don't you even think of getting rid of me.
Why not? We had a good run.
Hey, you've never had a good run.
Okay.
See? I can be hurtful, too.
Yeah, I just don't get it.
Molly and I have done everything to get ready for this baby.
We, uh, we got a crib, a nursery, a Diaper Genie.
I just I went out and bought the safest car seat on the market.
Mm.
Well, good luck wedging it into the backseat of that muscle car.
(scoffs) I've ridden back there.
Never been more cramped.
And I was smuggled into this country in an oil drum.
(laughs) Look, quit trashing the Challenger.
It's a Hemi V-8 with a Scat Pack.
470 horses under the hood.
Might not be a practical family car, but it's my baby and I love it.
(groans) Knows all.
Sees all.
Okay, we need to go at least two feet deep.
Then we bury St.
William and we don't dig him up until he gives us a child.
Are you sure this is sanctioned by the Church? Well, anything goes with that new Pope, but, you know, they bury St.
Joseph when they want to sell their house, so this just makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, it kind of does.
It feels right.
Uh, two feet exactly, or who knows what we're gonna conjure up.
It's my first grandchild, I don't need it to have cloven feet.
I think you might be more baby crazy than I am.
- Oh, maybe I am.
- (softly): Yeah.
I worked two jobs while I was raising Mikey.
He was usually asleep before I got home.
Couldn't even be there to cook him a decent meal.
Half the time he'd fix himself a bowl of cereal for dinner.
Well, I mean, you were a single mom.
Plus, he loves cereal.
I just want another run at it is all.
I may not have been the perfect mother, but I'll tell you this: I'm gonna be the best damn grandma.
I don't doubt that.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Peggy.
I mean, you raised a good man.
He's loving and kind and level-headed and (car horn honks) Mike, what is this? Where is the Challenger? Don't worry, there's a logical explanation.
Carl's psychic convinced me to trade it in so we can get a baby.
You realize that sounds ridiculous.
Are we digging this hole or not? We'll talk later.
Your mom and I are burying a saint in the backyard.
That's how you get a baby.
Well, what are you talking to me for? - Get to digging! - All right.
Oh, here.
Toss in this magic rock.
Can't hurt to hedge our bets.
Hey, Ma.
Come check out the minivan.
It's got 19 cup holders.
Right when I spit in the hole, that's when I knew I'd gone off the deep end.
(both chuckle) No, I went to Carl's psychic.
Carl's psychic.
- Sit with that for a second.
- (chuckles) We have got to stop acting like lunatics.
Agreed.
Nothing we're gonna do is going to make this baby happen any sooner.
We've done all we can.
All we can do now is wait.
Actually there is something we can do.
We can get out of this house and away from that damn phone.
Great idea.
All right, want to hit a drive-through, and have dinner and a movie in the van? Does that have a DVD player? I have never been more in love with you.
(both chuckling) (phone ringing) That's got to be a telemarketer.
Well, whoever it is, they can leave a message, 'cause I've got a date with my man in the back of a van.
WOMAN: This message is for Mike Biggs and Molly Flynn.
It's Isabelle from the adoption center.
Congratulations.
We have a mother who has selected you as the adoptive parents of her baby.
Uh, my number is 312 Don't hang up! Don't hang up! Don't hang up!