Rules of Engagement s06e12 Episode Script

The key to a proper cup of tea is warming the kettle with a splash of boiling water.
"Cold kettles make tasteless tea," grandmother always said.
My word, I'm even boring myself.
No, it's sweet.
Listen, with all that's going on in my life, it's it's nice to have someone looking out for me.
Yes, Katie.
I heard about your recent breakup.
So sorry.
Well, it's my fault for dating a musician.
I don't know why, but I always fall for a guy with a guitar.
Mm.
Maybe instead of a guitarist, you should, uh, think about someone who sings in an a cappella group.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause a cappella groups are so hot.
Yes.
I certainly meant that as an outrageous statement.
Here we are.
Thank you, Timmy.
You're a good friend.
Mm.
A friend.
What a wonderful foundation on which to build And she's gone.
Look like you're about to cry, chief.
Are those palefaces littering again? Well done, sir.
If I had known you eight years ago, we could have attended that reference's Cranky.
Who pee-peed in your tepee? If you must know, I'm upset about Katie.
Oh, that sweet little thing in accounting? You bash that out yet? Huh? You give her the old Bollywood? No, and since she's leaving the company on Friday, there shall be no "bashing," I'm afraid.
Or any giving of the aforementioned wood.
Look, I'll help you with this chick, but you gotta do what I say.
It can't be like those other times when you refused my wise advice.
Yes.
I missed a golden opportunity by not claiming to be the inventor of 7-Eleven.
Say what you will, I'm a closer.
Well, I will grant you a more-than-passing resemblance to Kyra Sedgwick.
Emmy winner? One degree of Kevin bacon? I'll take it.
You can save your advice, sir.
I'm not her type.
She likes musicians.
Mm.
Did you tell her you're an accomplished skin flautist? I did not mention that.
All right.
I think it's time for a grand gesture.
Something big.
I want you to get up at her farewell party, and serenade her on the guitar.
I don't play guitar.
I'll teach you.
You don't play guitar.
I know one song, which is enough to get a chick who digs musicians.
Sir, and what happens when they get to know you, and realize it's all been a scam? "Oh, no, the chick I just banged found out I lied! I lose!" Come on, Tim, let me help you here.
Well, I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't at least try.
So, fine.
I accept your help.
Good.
If I get a guy some ass, he gets it for a day.
But if I teach him to get it for himself, he's tapping forever.
Hi.
Why are you so happy? You know how you're always telling me to stop messing with Timmy for my own amusement? - Yeah.
- I went a different way.
Bigger, faster, and more powerful Hey, babe, can you turn that off for a sec? I want to talk about something.
Am I in trouble? No, I just wanna talk.
Sounds like I'm in trouble.
So, I had lunch today with Carol from work Ugh.
And she was telling me about this thing that she and her husband do every night before they go to sleep.
Every night, huh? Well, those big gals have to try harder.
No, not that.
Before they go to sleep, Carol and her husband say five things they like about each other.
Please tell me we're not having dinner with these people.
Jeff, lately I have been feeling a little unappreciated.
How so? Well, for my last birthday, you gave me the NFL package.
And when the throat doctor told you I couldn't talk for a week, you sent him a thank you note.
You always said that that's good manners.
Yeah, when someone gives you a gift.
Well Jeff, I need my five things.
Fine.
One, two.
It can't be physical.
All right, I also happen to love Or sexual.
Aud, you're killing me I know this kind of thing is not easy for you, so you take your time.
I'm gonna go get a glass of water.
You just sit here and relax.
And, babe Please try not to think of this as a bad thing, okay? Okay.
This is a very bad thing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well I finally outsmarted that pigeon I've been feuding with.
That's terrific.
Oh, my God.
This is Jeff and Audrey's financial statement.
Wow, I guess the mailman screwed it up.
I'll run it over to them.
No, you can't.
They'll think we looked at it, and that'll make things weird.
Just throw it out.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's definitely the right thing to do.
Oh, man.
They're rich.
I can't believe Jeff charged me an extra 20 cents when I wanted to put pickles on my burger.
Adam, don't look at that.
That's really personal Whoa, that's a lot.
And that's just mutual funds.
Yes.
And who's this ira guy? He's crushing it.
I cannot believe they have that much money.
Is it weird that Jeff just got sexier to me? That's not weird at all.
Maybe I'll get some pie to go.
Should I get apple or blueberry? Get them both.
You can certainly afford it.
I'll just get a fudgesicle at home.
Ugh, home.
Audrey wants me to come up with five things I like about her.
Mm, that's easy.
She's got her two Can't be sexual.
I'm out.
What's with the guitar, Neil not-young? I'm gonna teach Timmy a song so he can embarrass himself in front of the entire company.
You're a hell of a boss.
Firm but fair.
Who can just rattle off five things he likes about his wife? Well, Jen's my best friend, she smiles when she sees me, she's kind to animals Doesn't count.
You're not married.
Once that ring's on your finger, those things become nails on a chalkboard.
Can you get this? Aw, look, Jeff, I only have, like, two dollars, so Well, we're not gonna stay here and do dishes, Lucy.
Give them your credit card.
Sir, is this an "a," - or an a-minor? - I don't know.
Just put your fingers where I told you to put them.
Ah, a glimpse into your dating life.
Look, I-I just want to make sure I'm moving my wrist properly.
Well, come on.
If you don't learn this song, you're gonna be moving your wrist a-plenty.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm just not sure I'm going to have enough time to perfect this.
That's the beauty of this, it doesn't have to be perfect.
You just gotta get your 'tude going.
'Tude? Yeah, 'tude.
Stand up.
All right.
Let's try to figure out what your vibe is, exactly.
- Uh - Vibe.
All right.
Give me a little, uh, Elvis Sneer.
You know Elvis, right? Huh! Huh! That's him.
All right.
You know, and maybe a little Mick Jagger.
Little strut.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Aw, that's good.
That is good.
And maybe that Pete Townshend Windmill.
- Wow! - Yeah.
- Wow! - Oh, my God.
That is That's fantastic.
Really, really, um You think Katie will like it? Who? Katie.
Katie! Oh, the Katie That's the Why we're doing this, for Katy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's gonna love it.
Now Let's try them, all three together.
Crank it out.
Wow! Wow! - Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Good stuff.
Oh, hey, Aud.
Hey, can I borrow some soy sauce? I was about to make some ramen noodles.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Ramen noodles are an inexpensive meal traditionally enjoyed by college students and the budget-conscious.
Yeah, I know I know what ramen noodles are.
Oh, sure.
I know what caviar is.
Doesn't mean I've ever had it.
Just get the soy sauce.
So what if Jeff doesn't come up with five things? I mean, feelings aren't really in his wheelhouse.
I know, that's why I'm doing this.
To bring out his emotional side.
He has one? Well, we know he has a heart.
He's on Lipitor.
I took the regular.
I noticed you also had low-sodium.
Must be nice to be swimming in soy sauce.
- Uh, hey, Jeff.
- Hey.
You two are gonna have to leave.
I've got five things I like about my wife, and, um, after I'm done saying them, I'm hoping to be richly rewarded.
Well, well.
The rich get richer.
Let's go, Jen.
So you got your five things.
I knew you could do it, babe.
That's right.
When Jeff Bingham has an assignment, he delivers.
You make me want to be a better man.
You complete me.
You do.
- Three - All right.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
As good as it gets, Jerry Maguire, when Harry met Sally.
These are all movie quotes from movies I made you watch.
Well You make me want to see better movies.
"Say hello to my little friend"? Well that was gonna be for - when I was richly rewarded.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I-I didn't want you to come up with these immediately.
That's why I gave you time.
You could Jeez, you couldn't even - come up with one? - Uh, come on.
Just a boy, standing in front of a girl Can't believe I even know that one.
I know how much you love those short rib tacos, so when I saw the food truck parked on Third Avenue, I thought I'd surprise you.
You take such good care of me, sweetheart.
That's because I love you.
- Have a good day.
- Okay.
Dan, I couldn't help noticing you liking your wife.
Yeah, she's the best.
Look, she even wrote "I love you" on the taco wrapper.
Audrey once put a note in my lunch, but I accidentally ate it.
What's the trick? Have you tried eating slower? No, to make her think that you like her.
- I I do like her.
- Come on, it's just us.
What I need are five sure-fire things that I like about my wife.
You want me to tell you what you like about your wife? That'd be terrific.
Well, I guess when I'm with Barbara, I notice all the little things she does.
Oh.
Oh, there it was in front of my eyes the whole time.
It's pretty simple.
Yeah, it's real simple.
You want me to write that down for you? That'd be great.
This guy's all over your girlfriend.
He's going in for the kill.
Sir, have you noticed all your phrases about courtship involve the threat of violence? Have you noticed you never get any? All right? Now grab your guitar.
Let's do this.
It's now or never.
I'm I'm not sure about this, sir.
I am rather nervous.
Tom Jones feels this way before every performance.
Tom Jones gets pummeled with panties.
- All right, sir.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- I've come this far.
Thank you.
You publicly expressing yourself in song is all the thanks I need.
Go get 'em.
Dude, sit down.
You're not gonna wanna miss this.
Excuse me, may I have your attention? Katie.
I've been trying to tell you something for the past few months, but the words They've not come to me.
But fortunately, where words fail, there is song.
Yes, there is.
And though there have been may love songs written, including those by gershwin, Cole Porter, Lennon and McCartney, I think you'll agree that no one said it more eloquently than Mr.
big.
Katie, this is for you.
Hold on little girl show me what he's done to you stand up, little girl a broken heart can't be that bad when it's through it's through Isn't this awesome? This is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
Yeah, I think we're saying the same thing.
Didn't he have any friends to stop him? Oh, God, I can't watch any more.
Don't worry about it, I'm filming it.
There she is.
Mind if I observe you? Knock yourself out.
Those nails of yours sure grow out really fast.
I love how they do that.
Is that one of your five things? Apparently not.
The thing I love is the way you file them.
- So tender, so meticulous.
- Oh, God.
Just forget it.
It's fine, okay? I never should've asked you - in the first place.
- Audrey, I'm sorry, but I All this 'talking about what you like' stuff, it's just not who I am.
I wish I was more like you.
You know, able to make people feel appreciated.
Guess what, Jeff, that's one.
What? What did I say? No, no, no.
Don't Don't think, just keep going.
- What? - Just keep going.
I it's too much pressure.
You're always pushing me to be better.
That's two.
- It is? - Yes.
Yeah okay, let's try one when you're not yelling at me.
I'm sorry.
I'm yelling because I wanna get this right.
I-I want you to be happy.
When you're happy, I'm happy.
That's three.
Yeah? Aw, come on, Aud, you gotta give me the boobs.
You know what, you can have the boobs.
That's five.
You're so generous.
That's four! You can take one of your boobs back.
Perhaps now You can say hello to my little friend.
When it's through, it's through I I'm so sorry, that was the wrong chord.
Um let me start over, shall I? Hold on little girl show me what he's done to you stand up, little girl fate will twist the both of you so come on, baby, come on over let me be the one to show you who am I kidding? Build up your confidence you can be on top for once wake up who cares about little boys that talk too much I've seen it all go down your game of love is all rained out so come on, baby, come on over let me be the one to hold you thank you very much, sir.
Don't thank me, thank Mr.
big.
I'm the one who wants to be with you deep inside I hope you feel it too I don't know why Timmy had to go through all this to tell me he and Russell are gay.
waited on a line of waited on a line just to be the next to be with you I'm the one who wants to we can be together, baby deep inside I hope you feel it too I feel it waited on a line of waited on a line just to be the next to be with you you just to be the next to be with you with you guys Jeff, who knew you were so romantic? I'll tell you who knew.
My wife, that's who.
Look at her.
Always the counter-clockwise stir, followed by the two taps.
Mn, I love your consistency.
All right, you can stop now.
You've gotten all the rich rewards you're gonna get.
Oh, thanks, guys.
We'll get the next one.
Oh, actually, Jeff, I'm pretty sure - it's our turn.
- It all evens out in the end.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, it doesn't.
It doesn't.
- Adam, let it go.
- Since when do we argue over - a couple of bucks for breakfast? - We opened up your mail, and found out you guys have, like, a billion dollars, you cheap bastard.
We'll get this one.