Seinfeld s06e12 Episode Script

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify because the players are always changing.
The team can move.
You're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it.
I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.
Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him.
This is the same human being in a different shirt.
They hate him now.
Boo.
Different shirt.
Boo.
Sure you don't want the tickets? - No.
- I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.
- I'm telling you, skip the wedding.
- Go to the game.
- I can't.
The Drake put me in the wedding party.
Well, who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday? - Maybe he didn't know.
- Let me see.
I can't believe you got these for free.
What? Row F? Row F.
In front of the G's.
Hobnobbing with the D's and E's.
- How about Kramer or Elaine? - Elaine laughed at me.
Kramer's interested in Canadian football.
Well, wish I could help you.
Come on, take them.
You could take Bonnie.
You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami? - What do you think? - In order to use these I gotta spend, like, 1500 bucks.
This is a bill for $1500.
Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements.
I find sleeping-arrangement conversations depressing.
Yeah.
Sleeping arrangements.
- So you haven't.
.
? - Oh, no, no, no.
I haven't even seen her apartment yet.
Tomorrow night's the first night.
Hey, hey.
Is that Tim Whatley? - The dentist? - Is he mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party? - No.
I explained it to him.
- He was fine with it.
- Oh, good.
Yeah.
I blamed it on you.
- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Jerry.
George.
What are you up to? Oh, just a couple gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.
I'm getting a makeover.
Hey, how'd you like to go to the Super Bowl? - What, are you kidding? - Here.
Two tickets.
Have a good time.
How can I thank you? I'll take you to dinner sometime.
- You ever been to Mendy's? - No.
No, no.
No dinner.
Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank-you gift.
I know.
It's a label maker.
The Label Baby Junior.
Yeah, I hear they're good.
Well, label me thankful.
Okay.
Well, you enjoy those tickets.
Bye-bye.
Yeah? Come in.
Hey, where can I put this? - What is it? - It's Risk, Jerry.
The game of world conquest.
- All right, that's perfect.
- Kramer, why do you have to.
.
? Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
Will he take it? I gotta go to work.
- Take what? - The board, Jerry.
We've been playing at Newman's for six hours, but he's gotta go.
- Why not leave it at Newman's? - I wanted to.
He won't let me.
We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
- So that's here? - Yes, yes.
You're like Switzerland.
I don't wanna be Switzerland.
Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination.
It's winner take all.
People cannot be trusted.
- Don't look at me.
- I'm looking right at you, big daddy.
- All right, soldier boys.
Let's fall out.
- Yeah.
- All right, you're gonna look after it? - Yeah, yeah.
- Stay strong.
Watch it good.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
- Oh, is that a label maker? - Yes, it is.
I got it as a gift.
It's a Label Baby Junior.
Love the Label Baby, baby.
You know, those things make great gifts.
I just got one for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
- Tim Whatley? - Yeah.
Who sent you that one? One Tim Whatley.
No.
My Tim Whatley? The same.
He sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.
I think this is the same one I gave him.
He recycled this gift.
He's a re-gifter.
Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing.
Perhaps it's an homage.
Yeah, perhaps.
Well, how did he react when you gave it to him? He said, "Oh, a label maker.
How about that.
" - He repeated the name of the gift? - Yeah.
So? Well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.
What do you mean? Like when someone opens something and goes: "Oh, tube socks.
" - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.
- Why did you get him a gift? He did some dental work for me and didn't charge.
So I got him a Christmas present.
Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large.
Well, here we are.
This is the place.
You like it? I love it.
This is fantastic.
Look at this couch.
Is this velvet? Are you a velvet fan? A fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
Look at this.
Hardwood floors.
Aren't they great? Oh, Scott, hi.
This is George.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Scott, my roommate.
- Hey.
- Here.
Check out this view.
If you lean out this window, you can see the river.
So Scott's your roommate, huh? Yes.
I'm sure I've mentioned him.
No, I don't think you mentioned him, no.
He's a great guy.
You'll really like him.
I'm sure I will.
- Male roommate.
- Yes, a male roommate.
- And this is a problem? - It's a huge problem, Jerry.
The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place.
He's already got that.
- Well, maybe he's - No, believe me, he's not.
- So he's an eligible receiver.
- Right.
She's confiding in him about our dates.
You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date.
It's just a matter of time until they realize, "Hey, we could have sex.
" - What's stopping them? - Exactly.
You know how they get animals to reproduce? They just put them in the same cage.
- What does he look like? - That's the worst part.
He looks just like me.
He looks like you, and he's working from the inside? I look like me, and I'm working from the outside.
- Who is in the better position? - Not you.
This bizarre Harrad Experiment must end.
We'll take our check, please.
I gotta find a way to work this out.
I love that apartment.
It's so cozy.
I'm ensconced in velvet.
- If it was socially acceptable - I know.
You would drape yourself in velvet.
- I've said that before? - Many times.
You love velvet.
You wanna live in velvet.
Everything with the velvet.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Guess what.
- I saw Newman talking to the super.
- So what? The super has keys to your apartment.
Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.
Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.
Yeah.
All right, fine.
You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world, but he'd be a horrible leader.
And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people.
You and George.
- Are you through? - All right.
Fine.
I talked to Arthur Jobania.
- The Drake's wedding.
That's off.
- The wedding is off? - What happened? - The Drake he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl.
So he wanted to postpone it.
They got in a big argument and it's over.
The wedding is off.
You can go to the Super Bowl.
I can't call Tim and ask for the tickets back.
You just gave them to him two days ago.
He's gotta give you a grace period.
Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period.
Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker? - Possibly.
- Well, if he can re-gift why can't you de-gift? - You may have a point.
- I have a point.
I have a point.
- All right, I'll call him.
- Yeah.
- What's that? - Oh, it's Risk.
It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
Hello, Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
Hey, remember those tickets I gave you? Well, it turns out I can use them.
Oh, you do? I understand.
Okay.
Bye.
He already made plans.
He can't change them.
Well, they're his tickets.
- He can do what he wants with them.
- Thanks.
- I'm heading over to Bonnie's.
- What about the roommate? I gotta try and figure out a way to switch places with him.
It's like a Siegfried & Roy trick.
The pickle breath is a good start.
Hello, Jerry.
May I come in? What do you want? Nothing.
Just being neighborly.
You wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze? I won't let you cheat.
You're not getting near that board.
Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
You're not a little anything, Newman.
So just pack it up and move it out of here.
All right.
Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl? I don't know.
Watch it on TV, I guess.
Why? If you watch closely, you just might see me.
I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the 40-yard line.
- You're going to the Super Bowl? - Yes.
A guy on my mail route got a couple tickets and offered me one.
- What's his name? - Tim Whatley.
That's my ticket.
Is it? Well, if only you'd known you could have saved some time and given it directly to me.
Newman.
What a movie.
Good choice.
- Thank Scott.
He recommended it.
- Oh, Scott, Scott.
He's really great, isn't he? - Yes, he is.
- Yes, he is.
Let me ask you something.
When you come out of the shower and put your robe on do you cinch it tight? Are you concerned about that? George.
Do you hold the neck together or are you just letting it flap in the breeze? George, you're being ridiculous.
What's the massage situation? - What do you mean? - Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person? And if so, who is making the request? George, would you just stop.
Say you go into the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning.
What's the outfit? I mean, are you dressing up, or is it come as you are? - George, what is wrong with you? - I'll tell you what's wrong.
A grown woman with a male roommate.
It's unnatural.
It's an abomination.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
Do you need the bathroom? I'm gonna jump in the shower.
No.
Just throw my bras out of the way.
Well, this is my building.
Yes, it is.
- This was fun, you know? - Yeah.
So I guess I'll talk to you.
Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs? Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs? I would love to go upstairs.
Elaine, you are something else.
No one could ever put a label on you, huh? We'll see.
Newman.
He's going with Newman.
How does Tim Whatley even know Newman? Newman's his mailman.
Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman? Who goes anywhere with Newman? Well, he's merry.
He is merry.
I'll give him that.
What's this plant for? Oh, I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.
Well, the cactus will smooth things over.
Hey.
Guess what.
I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.
- What? - We went out for coffee and he offered me a ticket.
- But what about the label maker? Well.
Wait a minute.
That's my ticket.
You didn't wanna go.
It was totally out of the blue.
We went upstairs to his apartment to look for the label maker How? Did you say you had to use the bathroom? - No.
- Then how did you get up there? - I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?" - And there's your ticket.
- Well.
- What? That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.
- Why? - You go out with a guy one time.
You ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West.
Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.
You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs he thinks he's going downtown? - Obviously.
- You're crazy.
- Well, what happened upstairs? As soon as we walked in he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar so he had to leave.
I didn't look for the label maker.
I don't trust this guy.
I think he re-gifted and then de-gifted.
Now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? - I'm watching your door.
- My door? - Yeah.
From my peephole.
Fisheye.
Sees all.
- What was that? - Newman.
Open it.
Open it.
Open.
Damn.
The bedroom.
Get him.
- I see you, Newman.
I see you.
- I'm taking the Congo as a penalty.
I've got a confession to make.
- What's that? - I've got Super Bowl fever.
- Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- So where are we staying? - Oh, the Ambassador.
Big room? It's a regular room, but it's right downtown.
- Downtown? - Right downtown.
What do they have there? A couple of beds? Why? You bringing someone else? No but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us.
Oh, a cactus.
They don't need any water so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom.
Well look who's here.
I asked Scott to move out.
So she kicked him out of the apartment? That's right.
It's just me and her.
She rearranged her whole life for you.
Yeah, I guess she did.
He's gone.
Now I'm the man.
That's not a good role for you.
No, it's not.
You unwittingly made a major commitment.
That's a lot of pressure.
Oh, my God.
You wanted to be ensconced in velvet.
You're buried.
I had the perfect situation here.
He was shouldering half the load.
- He was shouldering.
- I couldn't leave well enough alone.
Where you going? I gotta go help tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.
Well, here.
Take Whatley's label maker.
- I don't wanna see it again.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.
Too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman? Yeah.
I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail or it could be lights out for him.
Okay.
Thanks for having me over, guys.
Yeah.
- All right, I'll see you later.
- Oh, hey, Jerry.
Tim Whatley.
Out scalping? See, now, I've been thinking a lot about what happened.
I feel horrible.
Listen, I wanna give you a ticket back.
- Are you serious? What about Elaine? - Oh, Elaine, yeah.
Well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would.
Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? Hey, Cosmo! They're towing your car.
What? Not my car! They're towing my car.
- What are you doing? - I'm taking the board with me.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Hey, wait a minute! Hey! - So I guess I'll see you at the game.
- Yeah, see you there.
Okay.
Good.
Hi, George.
Where.
.
? What happened? Where's.
.
? Where's all the stuff? It's gone.
It was all his.
Is this a label maker? But the table, the stereo, the VCR The velvet couch.
Where's the velvet? They were his.
Besides, we don't need any of those things.
We have each other.
Are you sure you know where the impound yard is? Oh, stop stalling.
Come on.
I I can't think.
There's all this noise.
Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation? I'm not beaten yet.
I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Yeah? The Ukraine.
You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck.
A road apple, Newman.
The Ukraine is weak.
It's feeble.
I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
I come from Ukraine.
You not say Ukraine weak.
Yeah, we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukraine is game to you? How about I take your little board and smash! Hello, Tim.
- Elaine, hi.
- Don't worry, Tim.
I didn't come by to yell at you.
I didn't come by for that.
I just came by to pick up my label maker.
I gave you a label maker, and now I would like to have it back.
But you gave it to me.
But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl.
Hand it over, Whatley.
Okay.
You don't have the label maker, do you? - No.
- I knew it.
- You're a re-gifter.
- Oh, yeah.
Some gift.
- That thing didn't work at all.
- What? You put a label on something, It was the worst gift I ever got.
Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work.
The way you worked on my filling, you were so So gentle and so caring and so sensitive.
Oh, Elaine.
H G F.
Seat four.
One, two, three Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
Tim couldn't make it.
He's in love.
- Isn't that wonderful? - Oh, it's enchanting.
Here's the TV.
I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl.
Do you at least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four-hour game.
George, Scott's gonna drop by.
He said he never got his boxes.
I'll get the towels.
How am I gonna get out of this? Think, Costanza.
Think! - Here we are.
- Hey.
Do you know, Bonnie, I I just had a pretty wild idea.
- What is it? - Well, I I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I I believe it's ménage à trois? What? - Hi.
- Scott.
Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into it.
Oh, really? Great streak of luck I'm having.
First Kramer almost beats me at Risk, but I narrowly escape and then Tim Whatley gives me this Super Bowl ticket.
Can you move over at all? And then Then, just as I'm about to go these boxes show up at the post office with no labels.
No labels, Jerry.
You know what that means? Freebies! I got this great mini TV and a VCR.
- It's unbelievable.
- An inch.
- Can you move over an inch? - Oh, come on.