The King of Queens s06e12 Episode Script

Yes, the billo miracle saw has the power To cut down this tree, And yet it's precise enough To make your own homemade jigsaw puzzles.
And if you call within the next 10 minutes, We'll send you this pair of miracle safety goggles free.
What are you doing? Quiet.
The miracle safety goggle clock is tickin'.
Doug, what are you gonna do with a chain saw? What am i not gonna do? Ok, you know what? If you buy this chain saw, I know for a fact i will be bringing your thumb to the hospital In a ziploc bag.
I'm on hold.
Crap.
I just saw an ad for a miracle chain saw.
I need to borrow some plastic.
Already ordering one.
Make it 2.
I think one's enough.
Sure, until we both need To chain saw something at the same time.
Use your head.
All right.
How about this for a compromise? Nobody gets a chain saw, ever.
But i'm tired of throwing my money away On store-Bought jigsaw puzzles.
Yeah, and by the way, you can't just tell me no.
Uh, yes, i can.
Uh, no, you can't.
Uh, yeah, i can.
We made that deal, remember? What, that you can just say no and- And have control over my entire life And i got no say whatsoever? Yeah.
When did i agree to that? when we bought this house.
Oh, right.
And this is the master bedroom.
His and her closets So you don't have to deal with his mess.
Honey, this is perfect for us.
You're perfect.
Oh.
Mmm.
I, uh, take it you two are newlyweds? Yeah, 2 months.
And we're still into each other.
Anyway, um plenty of outlets, um, And cable hookup's right there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I don't believe in tv in the bedroom.
Really, honey? No.
From the moment we walk in that door, It's about you, me, and sharing.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh! What's the matter? Your mustache.
It tickles.
Oh, does it? Yeah.
Well, here comes some more! Stop! Ah.
You're next, nancy.
So what do you think, sweetie? Oh.
I love the finished basement.
Oh, crap, honey.
They're really into this house.
Come on.
Dine-In kitchen.
Nice.
And we could put stools at the counter And eat our- Our, um- How you doin'? Hello.
Can i help you? Oh.
No.
Nice place.
Yeah.
Just the smell of the upstairs bedroom and the neighbors, right? Ooh! What's wrong with the neighbors? They're skinheads.
Really? Yeah, the whole family.
Even the grandmother.
I - I just saw her outside watering plants.
She seemed very sweet.
She tried to sell me crack.
That's all i'm sayin'.
Hey, great.
Well, what's the address? Uh-Huh.
All right.
Well, we'll meet there.
Ok, thanks.
Bye.
Hey, baby.
Who was that? Oh, it's our real estate agent.
There's another house she wants us to see.
Oh, ok.
Well, I don't think we're gonna top the one we already saw- Great price, great neighborhood.
I know, and that basement- It's perfect for my home gym.
I got my free weights on one side, All my cardio on the other.
Well, don't get too ripped, ok? I like a little somethin' i can grab onto.
I can't make that promise.
Mm-Hmm.
That is the table i eat on.
Hi, dad.
Hey, arthur.
Look, when i told you kids you could stay with me After you gave up the apartment, I was glad to help out.
But for god's sake, it's been 10 days.
Yes, we know, and we may have found a place.
Good.
Now hit me with a martini.
You got it.
How was your day? Let's just say being a decorative ribbon salesman Isn't as glamorous as it used to be.
Why? You didn't get the winemaker's account? Nope.
They decided to go high-Tech With elastic box bands.
Oh.
Here you go.
Thanks.
If i could close one big account, I'd be on easy street.
No more trips to hick towns upstate.
No more evenings locked in the fleshy arms of some spinster Just so she'll buy 2 spools for her card shop.
Ahh.
And once again, i'm alive.
How you doin'? We're here to see the house.
Are you the heffernans? Yes.
I mean, uh i am, he's-He's not.
I'm the heffernan.
My wife-My wife's meetin' us here.
Great.
They're actually selling the place furnished.
Take a look around.
I'll be right in.
Sweet mama, i'm home.
Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.
Sunken living room.
Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool! How great are these stairs?! Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Oh.
Uh, breaker, breaker, carrie, Big daddy's home.
Why don't you go get yourself naked? I'll have better stuff.
I love this place! Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, you don't want him to know How much you love the place.
He might jack the price up.
Right.
I gotcha.
Ok, good.
So what do you think? It's got great flow, huh? Uh-Huh.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? So does a tea bag, though, and i don't wanna live in one.
And i gotta tell ya, i'm not really lovin' the neighborhood.
Actually, this is a very desirable area.
Right across the street, there's an excellent elementary school.
Gee, i'm not sure what you're implying, But i already been to elementary school.
What's this right here? Oh, that's the dumbwaiter.
You can send food right up to the bedroom.
I desperately want this house.
Well, great.
Is there any way we can close the deal by saturday? 'Cause i'd really love to barbecue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, hi.
What, are you buyin' a house? Not a house, the house! Can't you just see us growin' old here, huh? Um, can i talk to you for a second over here? Sure you don't wanna join me in the love glove? No.
No, i don't think i do.
You know what? I-I think i'm gonna roll.
I'll see you later, brainiac.
Um do you mind? Could we have a minute, please? Sure.
Take all the time you need.
Thank you.
What's the matter, you don't like the place? Um, well, it is groovy.
I will give you that.
But, uh, i thought we both loved the other house.
The place was ok.
But this place has got much better flow.
Not to mention the intercom, The spiral staircase, the dumbwaiter, And she comes furnished! Um, honey, i love you, And i love when you get excited about things Like a house or a new cereal, But, um this is a really important decision we're making here.
I know it is.
The other house was so perfect for us.
I mean, it had the room we needed.
It was in a quiet neighborhood.
It was close to your work.
I mean, this house is- It's fun, but it's just not practical.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Ok, let me paint a picture for ya.
We're in that other house.
You're in bed.
You're in the mood for pork chops.
Both your legs are broken.
Ok.
Now coincidentally, i'm down in the kitchen frying pork chops.
The smell wafts up to you, and you shout down to me.
But i can't hear you 'cause we don't have an intercom.
Now it turns out i'm a nice guy, And i wanna get you those pork chops.
So i go to send 'em up in the dumbwaiter.
But we don't have one.
So i walk the pork chops to ya, but the house has no flow, And i wind up in the basement And you starve to death.
Ok, here's the thing - I mean, we could talk about this all night, But the other couple is gonna make an offer on that house, And i don't wanna lose it because of a dumbwaiter.
Ok, maybe you don't understand what we have here.
This is a private elevator for pork.
Yes, and i appreciate that.
But come on, honey.
This house is across the street from a school.
Do you know how noisy that's gonna be? Carrie, listen to me.
Meat goin' up, bones comin' down.
And then what about when we have a baby? You wanna carry a baby up and down the spiral staircase? Again, dumbwaiter! Baby goes up, baby come down.
All right.
Would you stop? Now look, we are gonna buy that other house, And we're gonna be very happy, And if you can't survive Without pork chops being hoisted up to the bedroom, Then we'll string a bucket outside the window for you, ok? Good.
I'm glad that's settled.
And shave that mustache off 'Cause you look like a motorcycle cop.
Hey, homeslice.
What are you doin'? Aw, nothin'.
Just, uh shavin' the 'stache.
Losin' the 'stache.
Wow.
Yeah, i was thinkin' it's a little too, uh motorcycle cop.
Really? 'Cause to me, it was more Out-Of-Shape porn star.
You know.
So what's up with the house with the dumbwaiter? Oh, we're, uh, actually making an offer on another house.
Heh heh heh.
She beat you down, huh? No.
We had a discussion, And she made a lot of very good points.
This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.
It's close to here.
On a nice day, i can actually walk to work.
Heh, walk to work.
You don't even like to walk at work.
Admit it, man.
She beat you down.
Ain't no shame here, baby.
She didn't beat me down, ok? I want that house, and i wanna shave my mustache, And we're not getting a dog anymore.
We're gettin' a kitten 'cause i think cats are fun.
Oh, my god.
What am i saying? Cats are brutal! And i want my mustache back.
Oh, my god.
Here's a little.
Doug, it's-It's gone.
Oh, my- What am i doin'? What's goin' on here? I mean, everything was goin' so great with carrie.
She's always been so sweet and fun, And now all of a sudden, she's, like rrrarrgh! Oh, yeah, yeah, i got that one On my honeymoon.
Heh heh! Man, if carrie's like this now, What's she gonna be like 10 years from now? Something to think about.
That's, like, 2004.
Don't be late tonight, ok? Remember, we have to go to the ballet.
Actually, tonight i was think about watching the knick game.
Rrrarrgh! Good point.
All right.
I gotta get going to work.
All right.
And pick up your blue suit From the dry cleaners, ok? I gotta wear a suit? Yes, a suit, and your uncomfortable shoes.
All right, fine.
I'll see you later.
Ok.
And pick me up a loaf of bread! You know what? This mustache is staying.
Actually, it's half a mustache.
Still staying.
Darling, the tide has turned for arthur spooner In the ribbon game.
With any luck, This will be my best year Since the hostage crisis.
Great, dad.
Well, what happened? I realized, "why do i need big department stores When i can go directly to the people?" Think about it.
Who wears ribbons in their hair? Little girls.
And where do you find little girls? In the schoolyard.
Oh, boy.
It worked like a charm.
I'd beckon a little girl off the swings With the promise of a candy treat, And then i present her With a beautiful faux velvet ribbon.
They ran off screaming, "mommy!" They couldn't wait to tell their mother About their encounter with the ribbon man.
Dad, you can't do that.
Sure, i can.
And after a nice snack, I'm gonna hit the parochial schools.
No, you won't! You can't tell me what to do.
I am doing it, ok? Now look, i gotta go meet doug at the house To sign some papers.
You stay right there Until i get back.
Oh, and come here.
You have something On your thing.
Ok, good.
Hey, hey! These are mine now! You can't take my candy treats! I did it! I'll get more! And i took your car keys, too! Damn.
Needless to say, You're dead to me! Ok.
This just confirms That you're asking for an 8-Day inspection period And 14 days to secure your loan.
Why don't you look that over? I'll go grab the termite report.
Ok, thanks.
Wassup? Hey, babe.
We got a million papers to sign here.
I want you to start working on these.
All righty.
Hmm.
Uh, babe? I think you missed a spot.
No, don't think i did.
I'm starting a new trend.
I'm either gonna call it half-Stache Or upper lip surprise.
Doug, what's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what.
I was standing there shaving my mustache like you ordered me to, When halfway through the job doug heffernan showed up And said, "what are you doing, ass?!" Ok.
You want to keep the mustache? Keep the mustache.
It looks great.
No, it's not just stopping with the mustache, ok? I want that other house.
Wha-Doug, come on! We've already discussed this.
Now we're here to sign papers And make an offer on this house.
No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me, And i'm not signing anything Until we talk about it for real.
All right, fine.
You want to talk about it? Let's talk about it.
Tell me why We should buy that other house Without using the words pork chops Or dumbwaiter.
You know that's impossible! Then this discussion is over.
Ok, fine! You know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea.
You told me once you liked the name mike.
So from now on, my name's mike.
All right? Oh, yeah, right.
You know what? I should shave my mustache.
All right, here we go.
What the heck? You know what? Why stop at the face, huh? How about in here? Yeah! Am i hairless enough for you? Smooth mike! That's what they're gonna call me! Nipple! Doug, come on.
You just have to trust me.
I just know that i'm right about this house.
All right, fine.
You know, i don't even know what to say anymore.
I just thought when we got married, You know, we were like partners.
And you would respect my opinion Or at least pretend to.
I don't want to fight.
All right? I love you.
Ok? I don't care where we live As long as we're together.
Let's just do this.
No, stop, stop.
What? Look doug, i'm just - I'm so used to being bossy, You know, with my dad, and i don't want to be like that with you.
You're a smart guy, and i love you.
You know what? I want you to pick out The house that we buy.
Really? Yeah.
Ohh.
Carrie, we're gonna have a great life.
Doug, food's here! Sorry it took so long.
There's like 50 school buses down there.
God, that would make me nuts.
Would it? Dad! Get away from those little girls! Oh, god.
Ohh! It's ok.
Just a rug burn.
Unh! We gotta remember to cone this area off.
All right.
Can we just eat up in the bedroom, please? It's much quieter up there.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, we'll just use the dumbwaiter.
All right.
Here we go.
It's perfect.
A couple of iced teas For my new bride.
All right! Here we are.
Oh, yeah! She's moving! She's moving! Oh, we are eating in no time! Eating in no time! Oh, yeah.
Oh, this is great.
We're gonna need a tiny cleaning lady.
Oh, no, no, no! Don't cry! I promise.
Every big decision from now on you'll make.
You think? That's how i learned that little girls Are made of sugar and spice and lies! It worked out fine.
I mean, we got our house.
Yeah.
After 6 months and an extra $19,000.
Uh-Huh, mm-Hmm.
Oh! Finally.
Uh, yeah.
I'd like to place an order For the miracle chain saw.
Doug! What? We said you'd make all the major decisions.
This is just a chain saw.
Ugh! Fine.
Uh, you can forget about the saw, But i'd like to order 2 pairs Of the miracle safety goggles.
Yeah! Hey.
Did you bring my bread? Here you go.
Oh.
This is rye.
I asked for whole wheat.