Married with Children s06e13 Episode Script

Here we go.
- That was a great family day.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for taking us with you, Al.
- Why don't we do this more often? Well, it's not every day an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.
It teaches you a lot about human nature, though.
I wouldn't believe that kind of greed existed if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
Those vultures.
Like your cousin Sheila trying to take both of these TVs.
Boy, the nerve of some people.
So, kids, how'd you do? Now, wait a minute.
That wasn't in Uncle Joe's closet.
I know, but there were too many people stealing in there so I went upstairs to his wife's room.
But she's still alive.
Well, she should have thought of that before I took it.
Look what I got.
A gold tooth.
That's not really gold, honey.
It's just yellow.
In fact, we call it "Bundy yellow.
" Show him, honey.
Damn.
Great, now I have nothing.
Well, cheer up, son.
I hear Aunt Addie's real sick.
You mean, the one with the really nice lamp? Oh, I'd love to have that.
- Maybe for my birthday? - Consider it done.
- Hey, what'd you get, Daddy? - The only thing I wanted, pumpkin.
That is, besides from Uncle Joe's mistress.
I got Uncle Joe's watch.
Uncle Joe wanted me to have this watch.
He told me so the last time I saw him alive.
I was 7.
I'll get it.
I wish Uncle Joe had died before I spent 12.
95 on this stupid watch.
Hello, Aunt Heather.
We We missed you at the take.
I mean, at the wake.
We were so sorry to hear of his passing.
Yes, your grief was evident as you tried to bite the ring off his finger.
I was kissing his hand.
I loved the man, damn it.
Well, keep your memories then and give me back everything you jackals looted.
- It all belongs to me.
- Who says? My lawyer.
Fork over the watch.
He wanted me to have this watch.
He probably even said so in his will.
He didn't have a will, so it all goes to me.
Give me the watch.
What, you want this watch? You think you can get it? Come get it.
Well, come on, lawyer boy.
You want a little piece of this? Don't push it, Bundy.
There's laws in this town against stealing.
Not to mention overflowing a dead man's toilet.
Thank you.
And you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
All I have left of poor Joe.
Come on, babe, the hock shops close at 6.
We'll send the police for the rest of this stuff.
- We got a plane to catch to Bimini.
- Toodles.
God, your relatives are scum.
He really did want me to have that watch.
What idiot would be so thoughtless as to not leave a will? - Do you have a will, Daddy? - Well, no, but I will have one after today.
I don't want this to happen to me if I die.
I shall gather all of my belongings.
I've worked for 25 years.
I've lived and I've loved.
Later on, I even married.
All that is mine shall be divided among you.
I have nothing.
Now, come on, Dad.
I wouldn't call a 45 of "Under the Boardwalk" and a baseball card of Joe Nuxhall nothing.
Yeah, and a copy of Sports Hijinks on beta.
Peg, how could this possibly be? I've worked for 25 years.
I've amassed nothing.
Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
You could've been rich.
You just never had the break.
Or the brains or the skill or the initiative or even the mindless charm some get by on.
Feel better, snookums? Kids, give Daddy a kiss.
He's not dead yet.
Well, he's close enough for me.
I'm still going to write a will.
Now, get me a pencil and paper.
I wanna list all my worldly possessions.
I said, all my worldly possessions.
Peg, don't you understand this is important to me? How would you remember me if I died tomorrow? - As a lover.
- A father.
A provider.
Come on, Daddy, why aren't you joining in? Well, because you're making fun of me.
Come on, kids, let's leave your daddy alone to write his will.
Gee, I hope I get his toilet seat.
Don't be greedy, Bud.
You're already getting his hairline.
See, now we're laughing at Bud.
Why am I making out a will? Buck, I'm leaving everything to you.
Aruba, here I come.
Hi, Al.
I heard your uncle died.
You wanna go out for a drink or anything? Yeah, later, after you've left.
Let me ask you something.
What would you have to leave if you died tomorrow? A good-Iooking corpse.
I'm sorry, Al, I didn't mean to rub your face in it.
- What are you doing? - I'm making out a will.
I have lots of material possessions.
Hey, Joe Nuxhall.
We used to make little boats out of these and sail them into the sewer.
- Hey, now! I, unlike you, have provided for my future.
I was just thinking, you know, something else to leave behind.
You know, something that Something that identifies Al Bundy, the man.
- You've got plenty.
- I know that.
Could you give me an example? Well, you got all those gold teeth.
And you were a football star in high school, weren't you? I mean, I wish my kids could grow up saying I was a football star.
Well, they will, because obviously I'll lie to them but it would be nice to have mementos like you.
- That's it! - What? My mistake was I was looking at my life in the present.
I should have been looking at my life pre-Peg.
My football mementos.
That's what says Al Bundy was really here.
- Yeah! - I'll give Peg my old football jersey.
Good old number 33.
It'll be good for her because that's how old she can tell her next husband she is.
And then I can give my old MVP trophy to Kelly to go along with hers.
Although Although, for the life of me, I can't figure out how she got a football trophy having never played the game.
And then there's Bud.
Can you loan me a nickel? I won't lend it to you, but I'll trade you even for your Dodge.
Come on, Al.
Surely you've got something else from your football days to leave to your son.
I do.
I do.
My game ball from the greatest day in anyone's lifetime.
The day that I scored four touchdowns.
Yeah.
My game ball.
That is what I shall leave to my only son the carrier of the Bundy seed and name.
And from the looks of things, the last.
He shall get the most special thing I ever had in my life.
It's perfect.
Where is it? I gave it to some cheerleader I was Bundyfying at the time.
So I'll get it back from her.
We had something very special between us, me and whatever her name was.
Peg? Peg, let me ask you a question.
You remember the name of the cute cheerleader I was crazy about before I got drunk and woke up married to you? Why, yes, I do.
In fact, I remember this rhyme that everyone used to say about her: If you wanna get drunk Get some brandy.
If you want a social disease Just call Sandy.
Sandy Sandy Jorgenson.
Thank you, Peg.
Why do you wanna know? Oh, well No, Peg, Jefferson was wondering who my second favourite girl in high school was.
I wish I could remember who my first favourite was.
So what if she's unlisted? This is about a football, damn it! A man would give me the number.
Hello? You just spent 25 cents on a phone call to retrieve a football worth 10 cents to leave to your son.
Although, I know a pigskin will forever remind him of his dad.
There's just one thing I wanna know.
Oh, sure, Marcie, the part with the cups go in front.
Present company excluded, of course.
You better watch it, Al, if you want us to keep coming over.
Look, Al.
I hate to interject sanity into your quest for the holy fail but if you seriously wanna find this person why don't you call a detective agency? There are some that specialize in finding missing persons.
She's beautiful and resourceful.
Well, I went to one once to find an old boyfriend.
Six feet, good-Iooking and a perfect 10, if you know what I mean.
Oh, God, I never had it so good.
The things he made me do.
The things he made me feel.
Everyone since then has just been an empty shadow in comparison.
Well, not everyone.
My ex-husband, Steve, was pretty good.
Marcie, you wouldn't happen to have that detective's number handy? - Don't be ridiculous, why would she? - Sure do.
Right here.
Well, don't look at me like that.
It was just a coincidence that I had it.
I have no need of a lost love when I have you.
I am great, aren't I? Sure.
What do you mean, "sure"? Just last night, you called me Captain Kaboom.
Would you have preferred Private Noodle? Hey.
Hey, Al's gonna think you're serious.
It's just a little code we have.
It means there's a party in her pants and I'm the guest of honour.
Oh, yeah, hello.
Yes.
I'm looking for a girl I gave a football to that I scored four touchdowns with.
Yes, I'm Al Bundy.
Polk High, yes.
Yes, I was number 33.
Yes, I do have a problem with foot odour.
Peg, get off the extension.
I'm trying to make a call out here! Come in.
Sandy? Hiya, Al.
Sandy? Do you like what you see? Well, I don't know, I haven't been able to take it all in yet.
You know something, Al I think you look even better now than you did in high school.
Incredible, isn't it? So, Touchdown, what have you been doing with yourself since high school? I mean, the last time I saw you you were taking a summer job as a shoe-store man.
Yeah, you said you wanted to buy some new carburettors for your car.
What ever happened to that old Dodge of yours? Let's not talk about the past, okay? I'm a live-for-today kind of guy.
Oh, you mean we can't talk about your old football days? Well, I mean, if that makes you feel better.
Watching you in motion back then always made me feel better.
So, Touchdown, are you just as good as you always were? Well, I haven't gotten any complaints, if you know what I mean.
- Show it to me, Al! Let me see it! - Well, it isn't quite what it was.
- I'll be the judge of that.
Let me see it! - Well, I can't see any harm.
You still got it, Touchdown! Yeah, well, where's it gonna go, you know? Al I know why you're here.
Now, Sandy, before you go any further, I'd like to say something: You're hurting me.
No, I'm not kidding.
You're hurting me.
Take your leg off or I'll sock you one.
Oh, Al.
Hey, did you ever regret breaking up with me right before the homecoming dance? - You know what I want, Al.
- Well, what, a huge McNugget? - I want that dance you owe me.
- Oh, now, Sandy you know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me.
Oh, that didn't open an ugly door, did it? Oh, come on, Al.
At least promise me a dance if our song comes on.
You remember "Blue Velvet.
" Well, okay, but only if that song comes on.
That's a good one, God.
All right.
There, that's Now, wasn't that nice, Al? Let's Let's sit back over here.
- Just like old times, huh, Al? - Oh, man.
Oh, Al, no more dance-y? No more spine-y.
Oh, my poor Touchdown.
Would him like a back rub? Well, you know, Sandy, what I'd really like You know, Sandy, this might be a good time to ask you something.
What is it, Al? What do you want? My football.
Your football? You mean, the game ball? Gee, Al giving me that ball was what let me know I was special to you.
Yeah, I know, so could I have it back? I wanna give it to somebody else.
Well, well.
And here I thought the guy who dumped me I should have known.
All he wanted was his football.
Well, all right, Al.
I'll give it back to you on one condition.
Oh, all right.
No, no, the moment has passed.
I was just I guess I was just kind of remembering how you and I used to play catch with it at the park.
Could I at least throw you one last pass just to remember the good times by? Sure, if it'll help take the edge off, you know watching the big guy walk out of your life for the second time.
Can you still lay it in there anywhere you want to? I sure can.
Can you still catch it anywhere I lay it? I sure can.
All right then.
Go long.
Yes, son, this ball means everything to me.
Not that you and what's-her-name and what's-her-name haven't brought me great joy.
But I'm glad we're talking here alone, son.
I don't want the others to be jealous.
Well, there's no need to whisper, Dad.
They heard you were coming home from the hospital today so they went to a movie.
That's good.
That's good, son because we can have this private moment together.
I went through hell to get this ball, but it was worth it.
Because now I'm going to leave you, my only begotten son my Joe Nuxhall baseball card.
Well, what about your football? My football? Are you insane? I'm going to leave this to the only one I truly love: Me.
No, Bud, I'm going to be buried with all my football stuff.
So, what do we get?