Rules of Engagement s06e13 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Jeff, guess what I just bought.
Something overpriced that we don't need.
Two tickets to bon jovi.
Why would you buy those? Come on, you know I've always liked bon jovi.
Let's go out, get a little crazy.
I don't know, it's crowded and loud and When you get there it's bon jovi.
All right, grandpa.
Plus beers are like $11, so there's another 88 bucks.
Well, I've heard bon jovi's great live.
You see? Yeah, my mom sees him all the time.
Except for last year when she had hip surgery.
I think that's the first time in a while that bon jovi and hip were mentioned together.
Wait, so so what are you saying? I'm like your mom? Oh, no, I didn't mean that.
I mean, I I do think you'll be a great mom.
What does that mean? It's just that I think you have a lot of experience and that you always know what to say.
You don't.
So so what, I'm like some wise old woman? Yeah, yeah, I think that's what she meant.
I think it's pretty clear what's going on here.
Jen is dying to see bon jovi.
As a gentleman, I'm going to let her buy my ticket.
Face value.
What? Jump on it.
It's a great deal.
Fine, I'll have a much better time with her; What do you say? Um, sure, yeah, sounds like fun.
No, fun is not the word to describe a bon jovi concert.
Oh, on this we agree.
Hey.
Timmy, I see you had your boss reupholstered.
Look, it's not in the normal rotaish, but to shake up me recent funk, pulled this out of the closet.
I think it pulled you out of the closet.
Yeah I wonder how long this stuff's been in here.
Let me see.
A ticket stub to sisterhood of the traveling pants? Hey, spoiler alert.
The pants never travel south of the waist.
Well, here's a phone number.
That's weird.
That you scored a number wrapped in pleather? That is weird.
No, there's no name.
Well, I don't recognize it as one of your clinics or escort services.
Yeah, that would be programmed in.
No, this has got to be some chick's number.
Call it up, see who answers.
I don't know.
Isn't it kind of disrespectful to call after all this time? Plus, she might be a hog.
Oh, let her go, sir.
She got away fair and square.
True, but she made the mistake of leaving a paper trail.
Now, go.
And as a reward you get a, uh, invite to a y2k party.
so, now that Jen and Audrey are gone, we can do whatever we want.
Oh, they left you two? That's good.
They were both kinda lame, dude.
Honestly, you're better off.
They just went to a concert together.
Oh, well, they're great gals.
You guys are lucky.
All right, so what's the plan for tonight? Barbecue on the roof.
I've got a 36-ounce sirloin - Mm-hmm.
- A couple of baked taters.
- Yes.
- 12 pack of brewskies.
That sounds fantastic.
It will be.
What are you gonna do? Oh I I thought that I was included in your thing.
Now that you know you're not, what are you gonna do? Come on, deal me in.
I I can rock a mean salad.
I will never find out if that's true.
Hey.
Sir, I've found your mystery woman.
Oh, nice Detective work, Angela Lamesbury.
Spill the beans.
The number once belonged to a Meredith carroll, now 32.
She's a podiatrist.
Oh, I love kids.
You, uh, you're thinking of a pediatrician.
Swing and a miss, mind reader.
Hey, how's she looking? Hot enough to take a ride in the old Russ bus? Yes, with stops at regret-ville, shame-town, and std city.
But, no, I don't know what she looks like.
Her website didn't have a photo.
Aw, always doing half the job.
Let's be clear.
None of this is my job.
All right, make an appointment to see her.
See if she's hot enough for me to pursue.
Okay, first off, there's nothing wrong with my feet.
Yeah.
That sounded painful.
You might want to get that looked at.
Uh-huh.
Go, go, go, hop out on the good one.
There you go.
All right, let me take a look at this does this hurt? I'll take that as a no.
Um, you know, Dr.
carroll I told you, call me Meredith.
Of course, um, you know, Meredith, it is rather impressive that you have your own practice at such a young age.
Oh, well, this is my father's practice, and I took it over when he passed away.
I'm I'm so sorry, that's the tickle talking.
Yeah, I assumed.
So what do you do? Isn't it obvious? I'm a foot model.
Although I do have grand ambitions of transitioning into being a foot actor.
All right, well, you can put you shoes back on.
Actually, I, uh, work in real estate development for a, uh You know, it's not important who I work for.
Well, there doesn't seem to be any problem with your feet.
Except that they'll be carrying me out of here.
Well, you can always make a follow-up appointment with my receptionist.
Ah, perhaps, uh, we could do a follow-up over dinner tonight.
Well, I I am tempted, but, I generally don't date patients.
Ah.
Well, in that case, you're fired.
Well, in that case, pick me up at 7:00.
Hey.
Uh, Audrey is still getting ready.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, but come on in and wait.
I gotta go take care of my meat.
Do you really have to announce that? I'm marinating my steak.
But now that you mention it, I should wash my hands.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Jeff have y have you seen my red leather jacket? Wow, look at that outfit.
I remember this party girl.
Mm-hmm.
She was up for it a lot more than the one I've got now.
Yeah, that was before you formally announced your decision to let yourself go.
Have you seen my butter spray? It's on your nightstand.
Gross.
It's not what you think.
I was eating an ear of corn in there.
All right, whatever you wanna call it.
Look, for some reason Adam looks up to you.
It would have been nice if you had included him in your barbecue.
Well, 20/20 hindsight.
You realize you can still invite him.
And from cobra transition into downward dog.
I appreciate the offer, but no thanks.
What the hell are you doing? Well, it's such a nice night, I thought I'd do a little sunset yoga.
You knew that I was gonna use the roof to grill.
Oh, was that tonight? I get it, you feel left out.
You made your point.
Let me have the roof to myself, and tomorrow, I'll let you make me that salad.
Sorry, buddy, but I'm here to stay.
So, I guess you're just gonna have to make other plans.
Actually I don't think I will.
And your mating dance isn'.
Well Good, 'cause your grilling isn't gonna bother me.
Now, let's stand into a forward bend.
Yeah! Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Whoo! Yeah! Uh, watch the dancing, chief.
We don't need it raining in here.
Yes, we wouldn't want your tan running all over the floor.
Joke's on you, dummy.
I sprung for the clear-coat sealant.
Water just beads off.
I don't even use a towel anymore.
You're a very impressive man, sir.
So what's the deal with foot girl? Oh, you wouldn't be interested, sir.
She's beneath you.
Oh, I'd be very interested in her beneath me, actually.
Sir, what I meant was she's far below your standards.
You needn't give her another moment's thought.
Oh yeah, that bad, huh? - Mmm.
- What is she a dog? A hog? A cow? All of the above, sir.
Sounds like a mess.
Might be good for you, though.
Hmm.
I'll take that under advisement, shall I? Now, if you've no more degrading errands for me, I have some plans.
I was hoping to cut out early.
Whoa, after I gave you half a day off for the foot thing? God, give a guy an inch, huh? Now, push into the mat with your hips and take a deep breath.
Okay.
Okay, Jeff, that's enough.
Look, it's fine, you know, if you want to, uh, just lie there, grinding away at that mat like it's Justin Timberlake.
But I'm gonna keep grilling.
I already turned the music off for you.
No, you didn't.
The boombox ate your tape.
Look, I was here first.
I was here first.
What are you nine? Besides, I had dibs.
Sorry, I'm staying.
Look, we both know how this is gonna end.
I'm the big dog.
So let's just cut to the part where I get my way.
Fine.
Great.
I'll even give you a beverage for the walk down.
I think I accidentally threw one of Aud's wine coolers in here.
Here we go.
How you like me now, big dog? One false move and you can say good-bye to your sirloin.
Hey, look, this is between you and me.
Don't take it out on the meat.
I mean, let's just talk this out.
No, I'm done talng.
Okay, we're supposed to be friends, but you don't invite me to hang out.
It's like it's like you don't respect me.
You are wearing those tiny pants.
They're yoga pants.
And they're Jen's.
All right, fine.
From now on, I do respect you.
How do I know you're not just saying that? You do know that I'm just saying that.
Okay o-one more step One more step, and you can say good-bye to your meat.
All right, fine.
Just know that two can play this game.
What are you doing? Taking a hostage of my own.
You return my steak to safety, or I'm gonna whiz all over your yoga mat.
You're bluffing.
I've had three beers and a wine cooler.
I couldn't bluff if I wanted to.
Yes! Ah, I never sit this close! When Jeff buys tickets he calls the back row the front row to savings.
They certainly play a lot of songs that sound similar.
What are you doing? You can't rock sitting down.
Come on, Audrey, don't your feet hurt? No way.
Your straps are digging in.
I can see you bleeding.
Jen, this if bon jovi, okay? He has seen a million faces, and he has rocked them all.
Yours is not gonna be the first face he doesn't rock.
- Come on.
- Okay, you're right.
Just let me go check in with Adam, then I'll let him rock my face.
All right, hurry back.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Hey, honey, I'm gonna be home a little later than I thought.
What's up with you? Actually, I'm up on the roof.
Oh, good, so you're hanging out with Jeff? Well he's doing most of the hanging out.
I love this restaurant.
Have you been here before? Yes, I come here all the time.
Mmm, I really like the decor.
Mm-hmm.
I really do think the library motif gives it Well, well, well, what do we have here? What on earth are you doing here? Oh, I put the pieces together.
Timmy, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
I sent him to see if you were hot enough for me.
Congratulations, you are.
But then he lied and grabbed you for himself.
Do you know this person? Yes, um, Mr.
Dunbar, can we please discuss this in private? There's nothing to discuss.
She's my date.
We have a long history together and I'd like to try to remember it.
I don't know who you are.
Quiet.
This doesn't concern you! Sir, why would I facilitate you dating this lovely woman when all you do is try to score with her and then spend the next few weeks dodging her calls? Okay.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
When we do it, I'll take your call.
Now scooch.
I will not.
Unlike you, I have an actual connection with Meredith.
Oh, is that why you refer to her as a dog, hog, and a cow? What no, no.
Those were your words.
I merely agreed to throw him off your scent.
I'm an animal with a scent? Ooh, yeah, you are.
Listen, I think you should leave.
You're making maryanne very uncomfortable.
- Meredith.
- Of course it is.
So where are you from, Meredith? Can we get some bread? Thank you.
Good night! Oh, what a show! Wow, band's aged a lot better than some of their fans.
You tired? No.
'Cause you were yawning.
No, I that wasn't a yawn.
I I was cheering.
Bon jovi! Well, tired or not, show's over.
We get to go home! Get to what? Maybe you wanna go home.
Not maybe.
I do.
Well sorry, this night is far from over.
Oh, God, tell me the band's not coming back on.
No, grandma.
We are gonna go backstage and party with them.
Why are you calling everyone your grandparent? Come on, come on, let's go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
You know there's a clock on this.
And with each beer, I'm losing my ability to negotiate.
We'll just see what gives out first: My arm or your bladder.
And I don't need medication to control my arm.
You know, you're really showing me some stones tonight.
Yeah I'm getting a pretty good look at yours, too.
I admire how you're standing up to me.
You've earned my respect.
Seriously? Yep.
How do I know you're not just saying that? Because I'm not.
And I mean it.
And if you still want it, Thanks, man.
I do.
Ah! Oh! No! Well, I guess we both know what this means.
Go ahead.
I knew it was fate that you and I would end up together.
You couldn't let me have just one small victory, could you? You're right, Timmy.
This is for the best.
If she didn't want either one of us, then who needs her? Actually, she did want one of us.
Me, she wanted me.
Yeah, who needs her? Hmm? All right, just leave it to me, okay? I know how to sweet talk my way into the vip.
I believe you, Audrey.
Please, just let me go home.
Hey, great show, huh? Whoa, did you get to listen or were you at the gym? Nobody gets backstage without a pass.
Yeah, I've been a lifelong bon jovi fan.
I've seen him, like, ten times.
I've always really wanted to meet him.
You think Sorry.
Okay, look, I'm about to be a mom, okay? I see how kids affect my friends' lives.
How many more chances am I gonna have to get crazy? Come on, let me have this, please? Please? You know, I wish I could.
And I can.
Hmm, I still got it.
Wow, so you guys got to party with bon jovi backstage? Well, if you call watching them quietly playing backgammon so as not to wake their kids "partying" What did I say, huh? What happens backstage stays backstage.
Got it.
I mean, why did that bouncer keep thanking you? Uh I don't know.
That's so weird.
So did you guys have fun together? Yeah, yeah.
Some yoga, a little grilling.
Good times.
Oh, oh, so that's where the yoga mat is.
We need to return it to Audrey.
That uh the the, uh, yoga mat is, uh, Audrey's? How about that? Oh, you didn't sweat all over it, did you? I did not.