Seinfeld s06e13 Episode Script

The big new accessory with eyeglasses seems to be that strap that connects so you can take them on and off which I don't get because if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses? "You need glasses.
" Isn't that what they say? An eye doctor doesn't say: "Would you care for some glasses?" People with crutches don't have a chain attached to their belt so they can just let go of them every now and then.
Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for water-skiing? The thing could just Hey, George.
Gary? Where the hell have you been? I've been leaving messages for months.
- I know, I've been busy.
- Don't give me busy.
Who's not busy? I'm busy.
We're all busy.
Everybody's busy.
All right.
Tell me.
What's kept you so busy? Mostly chemotherapy.
Hey, I'll see you.
Hey, pig! Hey, hey, hey! So you called the cop a pig? I was yelling at the litterbug.
I mean, this is my town.
You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.
So, didn't you explain that to the cop? No, I fled the scene.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Kramer, I need to talk to Jerry privately.
What about? - Kramer.
- Oh, come on, George you can share it with me.
- You're hurting me.
- You gonna share with me next time? - Sure.
I swear.
- All right.
I'm looking forward to it.
All right, I got news.
You ready? - Gary Fogel had cancer.
- Oh, yeah, I knew.
- You knew? How did you know? - He told me a few months ago.
Why did he tell you and not me? - I don't know.
- How are you closer to him than me? - So is he okay? - Oh, yeah, he's fine.
He was in bad shape for a while, though.
Really? How bad? Was he on his deathbed? No, he was on his regular bed.
So why didn't you tell me? - He swore me to secrecy.
- So? It's not like you're my wife.
I still think you should've told me.
You were better off not knowing.
It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this.
I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick.
I'm gonna talk to him about this.
That's right.
You let him have it.
Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness? - That's what I'm saying.
- His illness is your business.
- If not mine, whose? - If not now, when? Were you just talking about me? No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
Oh, the guy with cancer? You told her? She's not your wife.
If I told you, you would've given it away.
- You don't think I can keep a secret? - No, but he would have read your face.
- You don't trust my poker face? - Do you ever win at poker? No.
Hey.
Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.
- Jake Jarmel? - Yeah.
I like those glasses he was wearing.
Where'd he get those? - Why? You don't wear glasses.
- I know.
But I need a new look.
I'm stagnating.
I have to say, as a glasses-wearer, I take exception to that.
That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.
Yeah, I've considered that.
Look, how do I get in touch with this guy? He's having a two-day book signing at Walden's.
You know, we had a really bad breakup.
The Jujyfruits? Yeah, the Jujyfruits.
Okay, K-Man.
- Enjoy the book.
- Thank you.
Listen, Jake where did you get those eyeglass frames? - I can't tell you.
- You don't know where? Yes, I do, but I don't want anyone else to have them.
Well, that's peculiar.
Oh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody.
Really? Every day she comes in and reads.
Never talks to anybody.
Oh, I spoke to Debby Biblow.
She said to say hi.
Really? Gary, I really have to say I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me.
Well, frankly, you can't keep a secret.
You know, you'd get two pair, the whole table knows.
Well, I still think it was wrong.
I'm sorry.
All right? I guess I was just thinking of myself.
Yes.
So I called the litterbug a pig.
Not you.
I like policemen.
I wanted to be a policeman.
Yeah, so why didn't you? I'm scared of being shot.
Mr.
Kramer, let me tell you a story.
In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a church zone.
That fine was never paid.
And since then, that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City.
For 16 years I pursued him only to see him give me the slip time and time again.
I've never got a clean look at his face but he's become my white whale.
Mr.
Kramer, that day was yesterday.
But thanks to you, I don't know if I'll every get that chance again.
I like that eye patch.
All right.
I'm gonna move my car.
My meter's up.
- You can't park in this city.
- Hey.
George, you know that company I work for? They own the parking lot around the corner.
- Oh, that's a Kinney lot? - Yeah.
There's a space opening and I could get it for you.
You'd just pay tax.
It'd be, like, 50 a month.
Fifty bucks a month? That's incredible.
Okay.
Thanks.
I got lunch, all right? Still owe me a secret.
All right, there is something I haven't told you.
- Yeah? - But you can't tell Jerry.
What do you think, I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
Okay.
Well the thing is I've been living a lie.
Just one? I'm living, like, 20.
What's yours? Well, I I never actually had cancer.
I'll see you.
So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses? Flat out refused.
Yeah, isn't that just like him? You know, he has to be the only one who has them.
Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister.
- Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
- What? - You told Jake I said hi? - Yeah.
I can't believe you did that.
Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi.
When did I say hi? - I never heard her say hi.
- It's common courtesy.
No, no, Kramer.
You don't understand.
He made the last contact between us.
I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship.
If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
It's like a game of tag.
- Where are you going? - Nowhere.
You're going to the bookstore to see Jake.
- So what if I do? - Listen if you're going, you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses.
Elaine! Hey.
- How'd it go with Gary? - Fine.
Fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Looks like something's on your mind.
- No, nothing.
I'm fine.
So that's your poker face.
- A regular face.
- No, it isn't.
I've seen your regular face.
That is not it.
What are you saying? All right, George, come on.
What do you got? - I got nothing.
- What do got? A pair of bullets? What are you talking about? Two pair? Three of a kind? - Will you stop it? - Oh, my God.
You got a flush.
- You're holding a flush.
- I don't have a flush.
A full house? You got a full house? Turn them over, George.
I wanna see them.
Come on.
I'm calling.
- What do you got? - Gary Fogel never had cancer! So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you for me when in fact, it was an unauthorized hi.
- You didn't say hi? - That's what I'm saying.
- That's what you came to tell me? - Correct.
- You never said hi.
- Correct.
- You still like me, don't you? - Correct.
What? Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day.
How can you say that I still like you when I didn't even say hi to you? Coming down to say that you didn't say hi is more of a gesture than if you did say hi.
Jake The doctors thought he had cancer but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.
- So, what was wrong with him? - Nothing.
He's been lying to me for two months? - That's right.
- What kind of person is this? There's one other person who might do something like this, and that's you.
- Well - I don't even think you could do it.
No, I could do it.
- Yeah, I guess you could.
- Come on.
He was so worried about losing more hair with chemo treatments I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men just to put his mind at ease? - You did that? - Yeah! - Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy.
- Wait! You can't say anything.
- Why not? - Because he'll know I told you.
Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for nothing.
So because you're getting free parking I gotta pretend this guy had cancer? Yeah.
Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit.
And I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
Maintain the same disposition.
You can't act any differently.
You have to be nice.
- Why didn't he tell me? - Because you were being so nice.
- I don't think I could be that nice.
- You be nice! Gary? What do you think? Check it out.
- Is that from my gift certificate? - Yeah, buddy.
You came through.
You've been so nice.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage.
Yeah.
Hey, know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my fillings because that mercury's toxic.
- Hey, let me see your fillings.
- I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
Open up.
Let me take a look.
You be nice.
He's giving me a parking space.
Parking space.
Parking space.
Well, what do you know.
- Hey, lookie there.
You're loaded.
- Okay.
Hey, look who's over there.
Miss Cool Toes.
Check this out, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Look at you.
What's this? - It's an eye patch.
- You look like a pirate.
I wanna be a pirate.
- This is Gary.
- How are you doing? Well, I tell you, there's only one problem.
Can't see on your right side? No.
It's itchy.
- Nice car.
- Yeah.
Once belonged to Jon Voight.
- Really? - Sure did.
So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that? Oh, well, Gary told me you said hi.
- I didn't say hi.
- You didn't? No, I told him to send you my regards.
I didn't say hi.
- Regards? - Yeah, regards.
Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug.
Oh, I hate smugness.
Don't you hate smugness? Smugness is not a good quality.
Oh, my God, that man over there.
I think he's wearing glasses that look like Jake's.
Pull over.
Stop the car.
Here.
I think I've got a way of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.
Good.
Revenge is very good.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sir, sir? - Yeah.
If you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got your glasses? - Malaysia.
- Malaysia? Yeah.
Look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you? Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
But I can barely see without these.
- Come on.
- Well, these were expensive.
Let's start the bidding.
So you didn't think this was a date? No, not really.
Why? Is it a date? I thought it was a date.
No, it's not a date.
- What about the regards? - Regards don't mean anything.
I mean, it's not like I said hi.
I mean, the fact is I shouldn't say anything.
- No, tell me.
- Can you keep a secret? - Me? Oh, yeah.
I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick.
But he was so brave and gained such a wonderful perspective on life.
I fell in love with him.
Yeah, he's got some perspective there.
- Hey, you know what the whip does? - What whip? The whip in the Senate and the House.
Well, in the old days when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted them to, they whipped them.
"You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble.
" She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh, no, she won't say a word to anybody.
Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack.
Well, well, the white whale.
Oh, look at this.
There's no place to park around here.
I don't know why they even sell cars here.
Don't complain.
At least you have your health.
George, watch out for that man! Hey, hey, get back here.
Newman? The white whale.
Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street? Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? - Would you do that? - No, definitely not.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
Know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.
- The one who sits by herself? - Yeah.
- How? - Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.
- Really? Debby told me she fell in love with him because he has perspective.
She thinks a guy who lies about an illness so he can get some phony hair has perspective? - He picked her up? - Walked right over to her table.
Wow.
Jake.
Jake, take a look.
See? You're not the only one who has them.
I have them too.
- Where did you get those? - Malaysia.
I was in the area.
- Kramer.
- Just drive.
All right.
Now you listen, and you listen good.
I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
- What are you talking about? - Don't play dumb.
It's me, Cosmo.
All right, so it's me.
So what? You don't think I know how you're feeling every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up sitting alone at night knowing they could be closing in.
- I can't sleep, I tell you.
I can't sleep.
- Of course you can't, you poor sap.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I couldn't.
I couldn't tell anyone.
So you've been living this secret by yourself? - It's been awful.
- Yeah.
I wanted to tell somebody.
- Help me, Kramer.
Help me.
- All right, I'm gonna help you.
I'll try some on, we'll see how they look.
It's just hair.
Ever see what that looks like in the back? You got natural curls on the bottom and that big phony mat coming down on top of it.
Some look good.
The ones that look good, you don't know about.
What if you got involved with a woman? How do you tell her? The way they make them, I'll never have to tell her.
So you keep it a secret your whole life? Then at your funeral, the mortician comes out, "Mrs.
Costanza I thought you might want this.
" It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house.
If this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do if I can get this whole thing off the ground, then I think I'll have something for you.
- Oh, Mr.
Lippman.
That is so exciting.
I mean, you have no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.
By the way, those are great glasses.
- Oh, really, you like them? - Very unusual.
- Well, you know what? - What? - You can have them.
- No, no.
No, no.
Go to that place on the corner.
They'll change the prescription in an hour.
Take them.
- Really? - I have no use for them.
- Honestly.
- I could use a new pair of reading glasses.
- They're from Malaysia.
- Oh, yeah? - Fabulous.
Well, Mr.
Newman, in all my years on the bench I have never come across anything quite like this.
I have given this matter some serious consideration, and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly yourself, is for you to keep your car in a garage that is conveniently located next to your home.
I can't afford that.
Afford it you will, Mr.
Newman or this court will see that your car is impounded and sold at auction.
Well, don't you worry, Your Honor.
He's in my custody.
Well, what do you think? I really can't say.
- No, say.
I want you to say.
- It's not good, okay? It's not good.
You look stupid.
I'm sorry.
You have to realize this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp.
I really think this looks pretty good.
Why not get white shoes, move to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with? Maybe you could show me something else.
As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically for you.
But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.
Oh, hey.
I'm being helpful.
I am the only one being helpful.
I don't think you're being helpful! You're being disruptive.
You make it difficult for your friend to improve his life.
I'm preventing him from becoming one of those guys people snicker at because they look ridiculous.
No offense to you personally.
You people with hair think you're so superior.
You have no idea what it's like.
You ever look in the tub and see a fistful of hair? Start your day with that! All right.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Hey, Jerry.
George, you decided to get a rug.
Good for you, Jack.
Well, I'm just looking, really.
Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment.
I'll be right with you.
Listen, George, I got some bad news.
I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.
- What? - What? This judge has to use it for some scofflaw.
And you know, you can't fight city hall.
You know, Gary I had a little chat with George the other day.
- You didn't! - I did.
And he told me that - I'm not 100 percent recovered yet.
- Give me that thing.
How's your life? All right? Yeah, not bad at all.
And now, ladies and gentlemen of the press it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr.
Jake Jarmel.
So, Jake, what's your percentage on this book? Actually, I have some very interesting information on that.
- You know, this is a co-venture - Where did you get those? - And as such it - Those glasses.
- Where did you get those glasses? - Where? Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's not very funny.
Give me those.
- I want the glasses.
Give me those.
- Wait.
Calm down.
- Give me those.
- Don't touch me! I'm gonna go look for some socks.