Rules of Engagement s06e14 Episode Script

There you go.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
You got it.
Check her out.
What, do you think she's on your team? We'd be lucky to have her.
Is it just me, or have there been, like, tons of hot girls everywhere lately? I can't say.
My senses have been dulled by years of monogamy.
My hormones are going nuts.
I've officially crossed over from the nausea stage of pregnancy into the horny stage.
Nauseous then horny That's the reverse of Audrey's process.
I'm serious, man.
- I'm going crazy.
- Well Too bad you can't do anything about it.
Who says? I can't believe we have to have this conversation.
We're paying you to be our surrogate.
So, as long as our kid's in there that whole area is closed for business.
Uh, you are not the boss of my business.
Well, actually, for the next five months, I am.
Um, just think of it as a, uh, crowded night club No one new gets in until someone comes out.
All right.
Well, before you install a velvet rope and a bouncer down there I mean, it's not really an issue.
With your giant-headed baby inside me, I don't know who'd be into me anyway.
It is pretty unappealing, although The upper deck's never looked better.
I know, right? I'm kind of turning myself on.
Speaking of which, time for another drink.
Hide the kid.
Hey.
See that, uh, redhead with the rack over there? She's been checking you out.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- You should send her a drink.
- Good call.
Can I send some white wine to the woman over there? She looks more like a scotch, beer kind of gal.
Hey, you know what would be a class move? Send over some nachos.
You're the cheapest man alive.
Cheap like a fox.
Oh, don't forget her nachos.
here you go Double whiskey.
Enjoy your breakfast.
Mm, thank you.
Is this one of those, uh, leaving Las Vegas things, where you take a look at your life and decide to drink yourself to death? She asked hopefully.
No, I'm getting a wisdom tooth pulled today, - and I'm prepping.
- Hmm.
Um, excuse me, could I get a side order of fruit? No need We got the melons right here.
I know, right? I've got, like, the biggest boobs in the world.
All right, grow up, Russell.
That is just That's nature's way of preparing for the baby.
More like nature's way of preparing me to pound one out.
Well, I got to go.
- Hey, where you going? - Uh, to meet a new friend.
It's the, uh, waitress from the bar the other night.
Wait.
When did that happen? Um, after you got kicked out for trying to get that guy to buy me a surf and turf.
She and I We had a nice little chat, - and, uh, I got her number.
- Really? Even after she saw that whole mess? Also known as our child.
She didn't seem to have a problem with it.
So we are seeing a movie at the Alexandria.
- Huh.
- Ooh, interesting.
You know, the Alexandria is uptown.
After the film, might the two of you be heading in the opposite direction? Stayed an extra 30 seconds, paid the price.
Brenda and a waitress? Russell likey.
Nothing's going to happen.
I made that clear last night.
Her area is off-limits.
Jeff, Brenda is a grown woman.
Whatever she does with her "area" is her decision.
And if she and her friend would like me to film it Again, her call.
Oh, my God.
You are disgusting.
You are like a cockroach.
Hmm.
Pardon me? What kind of roach? Uh, in my defense, this is not my first one.
Oh, hi, Barbara.
Hi, Lily.
Oh, isn't she so cute? You know, I'm having a baby soon.
Oh, congratulations, Audrey.
When are you due? Oh, no, no.
I'm not having it.
We're actually using a friend of my husband's as our surrogate.
But it's not weird or anything.
She's a lesbian.
Mommy, what's a lesbian? Thanks.
I've been meaning to explain that to her.
Sorry.
Oh, that is such a nice doll you have there.
What is her name? - Dolly.
- Well It is very nice - to meet you, dol - Mommy! Crap! I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Here, I'll fix her.
- That's okay.
Now we now we're going to take her to the doll hospital, okay? Yes, yes.
I am going to take her to the doll hospital.
I'm going to take her there right now.
Watch me go, here I go.
No, there's an actual hospital at the doll town store.
That's where they have to go to be repaired.
- Oh, seriously? - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
I'll I'll take her there for you.
- Oh, okay.
Thanks.
- Sure.
No problem, no problem.
I'll have her back to you this afternoon, good as new.
Okay, bye-bye, Lily.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Jen, um, you remember when you said that I wasn't a tough, edgy kind of guy? Yes.
You were wearing an avocado exfoliating mask.
Yeah, and I glowed for a week.
Well, take a look who is tough and edgy now.
Huh? Wha no wha Are you are you scared? You scared, yet a little turned on? You got a tattoo because I said - you weren't edgy? - Oh, yeah.
It's temporary, yo.
- Why barbed wire? - Because It's forbidden.
It's not forbidden.
You can buy it at the hardware store.
Yeah, but they keep it behind the counter, and you have to ask the guy.
Plus, the real one's going to have even sharper barbs.
Come on, please, don't get a real one.
That's the wrong thing to say to a rebel, baby.
Now I only want to do it more.
Gallant is such a wuss.
Goofus that's the guy you want to be.
Sir, Goofus is eating all the cookies himself, leaving none for anyone You know what? I'm not having this argument again.
What's up your tepee, geroni-mope? Hmm.
Seems like appropriate gratitude for making me give up my saturday to babysit you at the dentist.
Really? What else would you be doing Sitting at home, reading a book about glasses? Yes.
I'm farsighted and deserve contempt for it.
Hey.
Hello.
Uh, just to confirm We will be using all available sedatives on me? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
There's a switch.
A woman giving you knockout drugs.
What what are you doing? What Goofus would do.
But she just said you were getting a sedative, sir.
Hey, I'm having a wisdom tooth out.
It's major surgery.
It's not like your country, where they just line you up and have a goat kick you in the mouth.
I can't believe it costs Soon it will be a real baby.
Kind of a nice way to practice taking care of one.
Hold the door! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Here! No, no.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Don't worry Not real.
Oh, my heart's pounding, too, bro.
Uh, no.
Honestly, I didn't think you were going to call.
Well, I'm glad I did.
Me too.
Oh, my God! You guys are here, too.
- Oh, my God.
- Jeff, what are you doing here? Are you kidding me? I'm a huge fan of this crap.
You just try keeping me away from "an Icelandic woman's tale of unrequited love and redemption" - Subtitled.
- You're going to hate this.
You said the expendables was too think-y.
They weren't expendable.
They were very necessary to the operation.
Uh, you remember Andrea from the other night? I do, and, um Regarding my tip, um, I did not expect to be seeing you again.
Well, don't worry about it.
I'm going to go get us some popcorn.
- Great.
- Extra butter.
Okay, what the hell are you doing here? I said no monkey business Not until after the baby is born.
We discussed this at the bar.
Look, I'm on a date, okay? And I would like for it to go well.
Oh.
I don't want it to go at all.
Well, that's not your call.
So beat it.
No, no, no.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm staying right here.
To do what? To try to prevent me from hooking up? Are you actually trying to beaver-dam me? Uh, yeah.
The velvet rope is up.
I'm the bouncer.
And your little waitress friend Not on the list.
- Jeff - Want to go in? Yeah, let's do this.
Whoa! Thank you so much.
Uh, I'll take him from here.
Here we go, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
- He can't eat for an hour.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and he shouldn't lift anything heavy.
What did he say? He said, "not lift anything heavy? How am I going to pee?" Right.
Now, give him more aspirin if it starts to swell or throb.
If it starts If it starts to Perhaps we should just go.
So Did you enjoy the film? I did.
I did.
I actually found it pretty moving.
Good.
Those ugly people sure seemed fired up about the wheat harvest.
So you want to get something to eat? - Yeah, I would love to.
- Oh, me too.
I'm starved.
I could eat that moose that kept popping up in that farmer's dream.
Oh, Jeff, look, Audrey's texting me.
She says she needs you home right away.
Oh, wait.
Uh, she just texted me, too.
"Ignore the text I sent Brenda.
Stay out as late as you like.
" Where are we going? There's a chinese place across the street.
Aren't you vegan? Yeah, but I can make it work.
No, no.
No.
Let's go get vegan food! How does that sound, Jeff? Sounds like a love letter to my colon.
Let's eat.
Yes.
Thank you so much for drooling on my favorite sweater.
I suppose I can just have my grandmother knit me another From the grave.
Oh! None of that! Okay, sir, we're here.
Hmm? What's that? An offer to pay? Oh, no, please, let me.
Thank you.
I'll come round and get you, sir.
Oh! Oh, dear.
Two trips to the doll hospital in one day That's got to be a record.
Oh, things happen, just like in life.
But a good mom learns from her mistakes, isn't that right, Dolly? Hello? Oh! Oh, God! Hello? Ah, yes.
Uh, hello.
Um, I'm trying to locate an item I left in one of your cabs.
Valuable? No, it's my boss.
Yes, I'll hold.
That thing is wrecked.
Just buy a new one.
Look Her head is just a little bit caved in, okay? I think if I pry her eye out, I can pop her head out from the inside.
I like her that way.
I think she looks badass.
Oh, yes.
Uh, thank you.
His height? Hmm, well, I know he's not tall enough to ride the matterhorn at Disneyland.
He moped in the teacups for hours.
Hair color, did you ask? Well, that would be nice 'n easy number 46.
Eye color? Black? I've never seen his eyes.
He's always staring at my boobs.
Is beady a color? Look, if you find a drunken troll making crude sexual innuendoes, please do call us.
Well, I better get going.
I got an appointment to go ink the guns.
All right, that's it.
Ow! Ow! Why'd you do that? Well, if you think that hurt, imagine an electric needle stabbing you for hours.
Hours? Yes.
And there's blood.
Mine? Yeah, lots of it.
I think I'm just going to grow, like, a badass 'stache.
Oh, yes! I think it's time to talk to her about the big Dollhouse in the sky.
- Oh, that was so good.
- I know.
Jeff, how was your meal? Nothing better after Icelandic cinema than mung beans and a shamburger.
Really? 'Cause it looks like you barely touched it.
I'm saving room for dessert Carob pudding.
It's getting kind of late.
I guess Everyone's going to go their separate ways.
So, Andrea, share a cab? Actually, um, I was going to ask Andrea if she wanted to come back to my place, maybe have a glass of wine? - Oh, sure.
I'd love to.
- Well, I'm in.
This Kale shake's not doing it.
It's doing something.
No, Jeff, I meant just me and Andrea.
Oh.
I will walk you, make sure that you two delicate flowers get back safely.
I served in the Israeli army.
Ah The middle east There's a topic we could bat around till the wee hours.
Okay, Jeff, I'm just going to step in here.
I really think that it is time for you to go.
Okay, come on, what's what's going on? All right, Andrea She's not a lesbian.
She and I are We're a thing.
That's right I put that baby in there the old-fashioned way.
And she loved it.
Oh, my God.
Look, Jeff here is worried that if something physical were to happen between you and me, that it might interfere with the baby that I am just carrying for him.
Oh.
Well, maybe I should go.
- Oh, that'd be great.
- No, stay.
Jeff, first of all And I really mean this You're an idiot.
- That's a little harsh.
- No, it's not.
Oh, hey, brah.
Yeah, that carob pudding's for you, man.
Go eat that in your van.
Oh, God.
Jeff, please.
We have known each other forever.
Do you really think that I would do anything, even for a second, that could possibly harm this baby? - I guess not, no.
- Okay.
Then I ask you no I beg you go.
Maybe we should let Andrea decide Go! All right, I will, but you know what? Not before I say this, all right? If you guys are going to start up with the horseplay Brenda, you can go nuts on her, you know, but, Andrea, when it's your turn to do stuff, just don't.
Is he serious? Oh, yeah, I pull that on Audrey all the time.
Just pretend you fell asleep.
And yet, Audrey is still straight.
Really proves it's not a choice.
Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Okay, this is your building.
Your friend is on his way to meet you.
Why don't we just stay right here until he arrives? You're the best, Timmy.
Oh, sorry, sir, I'm not, uh You know what? You're right.
I don't thank you enough.
Truth is, I don't know what I'd do without you.
You're really my best friend.
I love you.
Thank you so much.
I'll take him from here.
This is for you.
All right, sir.
Let's get you home.
When did you start driving a cab? Ah, yes.
We all look alike.
Very original.
Anything nice you'd like to say to me, sir, considering I've given up my entire saturday for you? Hmm? No? Didn't think so.
So you actually thought you could talk them - out of getting together? - I know, right? I'm generally arguing the pro side of two chicks hooking up.
Where are you making this argument? Wherever it needs to be made.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Listen Let's let's just see if Jeff and Audrey think this 'stache makes me look edgy.
It doesn't.
You look like a '70s porn star.
Yeah, well, from what I understand, those guys got tons of tail.
Okay? Now, just don't Don't tell them it's fake.
They saw you yesterday! What's up? you are being watched.