South Park s06e14 Episode Script

* i'm going down to south park * * gonna have myself a time * * friendly faces everywhere * * humble folks without temptation * * going down to south park * * gonna leave my woes behind * * ample parking day or night * * people spouting "howdy neighbor" * * headin' on up to south park * * gonna see if i can't unwind * * tim-Tmah tim-Mah, tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah * * so come on down to south park * * and meet some friends of mine * You wanted to see me, principal victoria? Yes, mr.
Garrison, have a seat.
Mr.
Garrison, some time ago you asked to be promoted From teaching kindergarten back to the 3rd grade.
I'm aware of that.
I want to come clean with you and tell you that back then Some of us were uncomfortable with your sexual preferences.
It was wrong of us, and i want to make it up to you.
Wow, that's really great to hear.
As you know, the position of 4th grade teacher Has become available, And we'd like to offer you the job.
Oh, for real?! You're not kidding? We in administration see now that you are an individual With your own preferences, and we respect that.
Oh, this is all just- A dream come true! Thank you, principal victoria! I'll do a great job! I know you will! You're sure this for real? I mean, i'm not just gonna get fired again for being gay tomorrow? It's for real, mr.
Garrison.
Oh, great! With all the new laws We could never fire you for being gay now- You'd be able to sue us for millions of dollars.
Right, i- What, what was that? Well, i was just saying that the policies have really changed.
You know, if we fired you for acting gay next time, You'd be able to sue the school district for lots of money.
Oh, right, right.
How, how much money exactly? Oh, well, there was the case out in minnesota Where the guy was awarded You-You don't say.
Well, thanks, principal victoria.
Holy moly! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay! M'kay, kids, i know the past few weeks have been really hard With the death of your teacher, ms.
Choksondik.
That's funny! But the principal has finally hired a teacher to take her place.
So i want you all to give your best behavior To your new 4th grade teacher, mr.
Garrison.
Awwww! Not him! Thank you, mr.
Mackey.
Good luck, m'kay.
Okay, children, now for those of you who are new, My name is mr.
Garrison.
Where's mr.
Hat, sir? Well, i was informed that 4th graders Are a little too old for mr.
Hat.
Two-Year-Olds are too old for mr.
Hat.
But it's okay, because i found a new teacher's assistant.
Say hello to- Mr.
Slave.
Hi, kids.
Hmm.
So that's mr.
Slave, the teacher's assistant.
Or, as i like to write for short- The teacher's ass.
Oh, jesus christ.
Okay, mr.
Slave, go sit until i need you.
Ah! Dude, i think that mr.
Slave guy might be a- Pakistani.
I'm not saying the rest of the school year is going to be easy.
In fact, it's going to be long and hard- Really long and really hard.
Oh, jesus christ.
The first thing we're gonna be learning about Is communist russia.
No, kenny- What are you doing, kenny? Now, stalin was a big silly when he Kenny, no! Don't do it, kenny! Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?! No, it was kenny! Very funny, eric, kenny's dead! Yeah, but cartman drank kenny's remains And now kenny's soul is trapped in cartman's body.
Yeah! That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishment.
Take it, mr.
Slave! Oh! Oh, it hurts! I will not put up with tomfoolery In my classroom, children! Mr.
Slave, put this rubber ball in your mouth.
Take that, slave, take it! This should get me fired for sure! I really enjoyed the imagery In the last chapter of this month's book.
Yes, and i really saw the entire book, thematically, As a take on corporate america.
I think in the fourth chapter, When nancy drew discovers the bloody glove In the cheerleader's locker, That was just a brilliantly written passage.
So full of metaphor! Hey guys, can we talk to you? Oh, hi, boys! How was school? Uh, not cool.
Great.
We're having our book-Of- The-Month club meeting, So why don't you boys go outside and play.
Was it me or did you all think that nancy drew Solved the riddle of elephant mountain a little too easily? Oh yes.
For sure.
No, no, he said not cool.
We got our new teacher today.
It's mr.
Garrison, our old 3rd grade teacher.
Uh-Huh.
Well, he has this new teacher's assistant, And they're both- Totally gay.
Kyle! You know better than to discriminate against homosexuals! Yeah, but these guys are really super gay.
I'm surprised at you, stanley.
I really thought you knew how to accept people for who they were.
Yeah, but, dad- No buts, stanley.
We're not raising our kids to be discriminators.
That's right, i think it's time you kids took a little trip To the museum of tolerance.
Welcome to the museum of tolerance.
Here we try to educate you on the dynamics Of racism and prejudice in america.
Ow! Now, did you know that words we use can show intolerance? Let's begin our tour with a walk through our "tunnel of prejudice" To show you what it can feel like To be discriminated against.
Queer! Beaner! Chink! Nigger! Heeb! Faggot! Cracker! Oh man, this is awesome! Now you know how it feels.
I wanna ride again! I wanna ride again! We are now entering the "hall of stereotypes".
These wax figures represent How some intolerant people have labeled minorities.
Here, we see a black person eating chicken and watermelon, A stereotype that hurts the african-American community.
What other stereotypes do you see here? Ah, here's the arab as a terrorist.
That's right, but of course we know That not all arabs are terrorists, don't we, kids? Well, there's an asian man with a calculator.
That's right, not all stereotypes are negative.
But even a positive one, like "all asians are good at math" Is harmful to society.
Look! A covetous jew! Very good, young man.
The idea that jews are only interested in money Is very old indeed.
Ah, here's a good one.
It's the stereotypical "sleepy mexican".
Wha- What? Oh man, what time is it? I'm sorry, i thought you were a wax sculpture.
No, man, i'm the janitor.
I'm supposed to be cleaning but i'm so tired.
Ooh, i so sleepy.
This is our discovery wing.
Take your time at the computer displays, because you see, Being tolerant you must also learn To respect people who are small, people who are disabled, Even people who are overweight, like this young man here.
Ay! You other boys have probably called this young man names Like "tubby", or "lard butt" or "fat tits".
Fat tits- That's a good one.
Yeah, have to remember that.
But you must learn be tolerant of his differences as well.
If he chooses to eat fatty foods, That's his life choice.
I'm not fat I have a different life choice.
And we won't belittle you for eating Lots of cookies and cakes and pies.
Dude, tolerance kicks ass! That's our cartman.
Well, that's the end of our tour.
Now do you see why tolerance is so important, boys? I guess.
We have to accept people for who they are And what they like to do.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?! I was just- There's no smoking in the museum! But i'm not in the museum.
Get out of here, you filthy smoker! Yeah, dirty lungs! Go ahead and kill yourself, stupid tar breath! Dumbass! Get outta here! Well, have a great day, everybody.
Now you boys can go and give your teacher and assistant The respect they deserve, right? Yeah.
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
Apparently none of you tried to get me fired yesterday, So i guess we're just gonna have to go on And learn more today.
Now, who can tell me what happens to water When we heat it up in the bunsen burner? It evaporates! Good, butters.
Now, if we take the glass tube of the bunsen burner, We can also see how other things react.
Evaporation is an exothermic reaction- So now let's look at an endothermic one.
Mr.
Slave, position 7, please.
Now i'm gonna put the glass tube into mr.
Slave's tight ass.
The heat from mr.
Slave's ass Will act as our new conductor of energy.
Ahh! Okay, now butters, Could you bring over lemmiwinks for me, please? Sure! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Newton was the first to discover that for every action There is a reaction- Thank you, butters- Now what do you think is gonna happen When i introduce the element of the gerbil To the endothermic heat of mr.
Slave's ass? Well, let's see.
Ahh! Oh, jesus.
Jesus christ! Lemmiwinks, no! Hello there, children! Hey, chef! How's it going? Bad.
Why bad? Chef, we're intolerant.
Intolerant of who? Gays, i guess.
Now why do you wanna go be intolerant Of gay people, children? I thought you knew better! Well, we didn't think we were, But mr.
Garrison has this new assistant, And we're really uncomfortable around them.
Children, a lot of times, The reason people get uncomfortable around gay people Is that they have some issues themselves.
You have to ask yourself, "what is it about their behavior That for some reason makes me uncomfortable?" Well, i guess it's mostly the way Mr.
Garrison stuck a gerbil up mr.
Slave's ass.
Right, and you see, children, That's why you need to- Whoa, what?! Are we homophobes now? We don't wanna be gay bashers, chef! Children, there's a big difference between gay people And mr.
Garrison.
Do you understand that? No.
You children just take your lunches.
I'm gonna have a talk with the principal.
I'll take three lunches today, please.
You don't need three lunches, eric, You're fat enough as it is.
It is my life choice, chef, And if you don't tolerate it i'll report you to the s.
C.
C.
That was a brilliant idea Having me put a gerbil up your ass, mr.
Slave! Now we'll get fired for sure! Well, it wasn't the first small animal i put up my ass.
Mr.
Garrison to the principal's office, please.
That's it! They're gonna fire me for being gay! here we come! Don't forget, i get half! Ooh! Ooh, jesus christ.
Lemmiwinks, you must find your way out of this place Or you will surely die.
This way has been closed off by the great sphincter.
To escape, you must journey upward through dark reaches Of the intestine and past the stomach.
Who am i? Just a friend.
Heed my words, lemmiwinks, your time is running out.
Make for the large intestine.
All will be made clear then.
* a great adventure is waiting for you ahead * * hurry onward, lemmiwinks or you will soon be dead * * the journey before you may be long and filled with woe * * but you must escape the gay man's ass * * so your tale can be told * * lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks * * doot doot doot do do doo * * doot doo do doo You wanted to see me, principal victoria? Oh, yes, mr.
Garrison, have a seat.
Oh dear, sounds like i'm getting fired.
* doot doot doot doot do-Do-Do doo * Mr.
Garrison, chef has brought it to my attention That some of the students are a bit uncomfortable About certain aspects of your teaching methods.
Oh, no, you're firing me?! Oh well, i can't stop being who i am.
I can't help the way god made me.
Guess i just have to go! No, no, no! We're not firing you.
You're not? No, we're sending chef to a tolerance seminar.
Sending chef to a tolerance seminar?! You got to be crazy! You've demonstrated a lack of tolerance For mr.
Garrison's behavior.
In fact, i believe you used to words "sick queer" To describe his conduct in class.
He is a sick queer! Yeah! I just wanted to give you an opportunity To apologize to mr.
Garrison before i sent you away, chef.
Kiss my black ass! Parents, i had to call you in here because your boys Have refused to attend class With their homosexual teachers, m'kay.
We're not staying in class another minute With those queermos! Well, i really thought you boys learned something At the museum of tolerance.
But apparently all you learned Was new words to call your poor teachers! But they killed lemmiwinks! Shut your mouth, butters! You'll speak when spoken to! Yes, sir.
Mr.
Mackey, we've done everything we can To raise compassionate children.
We don't know where else to turn! Well, there is an intensive seminar camp.
It's a bit severe, but it might be the only way, m'kay.
That sounds good to me.
Me too! Then it's settled.
Boys, you're going to tolerance camp! Tolerance camp? Velcome to tolerance camp.
You are here because you would not accept people's differences.
Because you refused to accept the life choices Of your fellow man.
Well, those days are now over.
Here you will vork, every hour of every day Until you submit to being tolerant of everybody.
Here, intolerance will not be tolerated.
God dammit! How'd it go? This is unbelievable, mr.
Slave! It seems no matter what i do i can't get fired! The principal didn't fire you? No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to Attend my class anymore That they want to give me the "courageous teacher" award This friday at the museum of tolerance! Oh, jesus christ.
I mean, i stuck a gerbil up your ass And they want to give me a goddamn medal! Well, it sounds to me like the principal Is just hiding things from everybody.
What you need to do is let the parents see What kind of demented faggot you are.
Oh, well- Hey, that's right, mr.
Slave.
The parents have to see for themselves.
The award ceremony! We'll put on a show they'll never forget! Ooh, jesus christ.
* lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast * * to find his way out of a gay man's ass * * the road ahead is filled with danger and fright * * but push onward, lemmiwinks with all of your might * Lemmiwinks! You are coming to the entrance of the small intestine.
There you must seek out the sparrow prince.
* the sparrow prince lies somewhere way up ahead * * don't look back, lemmiwinks or you'll soon be dead * * lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks the time is growing late * * slow down now and seal your fate * I am the sparrow prince.
Long has my spirit been trapped within this place.
Before you lies the maze of the small intestine.
One path leads to the stomach, the other to certain doom.
Take with you this helmet and torch.
Let them be your guide.
* take the magic helmet torch to help you light the way * * there's still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay * * ahead of you lies adventure * * and your strength still lies within * * freedom from the ass of doom is the treasure you will win * Today we will be using ze finger paints.
You vill make a painting that shows people of different races And sexual orientations getting along.
Finger paint.
Finger paint! You will not make any distinction between People of different color, People with different sexual preferences.
You will accept everyone! What are you finger painting?! Uh, a bear? Ein bear?! Ein bear has nothing to do with Accepting people of different races! I didn't know what else to paint! Start over! You vill finger paint what we tell you! Go! Faster.
Faster! Fasterrrr! Ah! Faster! Are you done?! What is it? What have you done?! People of all colors and creeds Holding hands beneath a rainbow! Good! That wasn't so hard, was it? Now do it again! Faster! Fasterrr! There, i've done it, mr.
Slave- The perfect plan to get us fired! You finished your costume design yet? Almost, i just have to get through the- Oh- Jesus christ.
What's the matter? Just a bit of an upset stomach i guess.
Well, here, take a pepto pill.
I can't have my teacher's ass under the weather.
Oh, jesus christ.
* lemmiwinks came to the stomach dark * * 'neath the depths of the lungs and heart * You chose your path wisely, lemmiwinks.
I am the catatafish.
* catatafish of the stomach's cove * If you answer this riddle The esophagus will let you pass.
* catatafish's riddle will soon be told * Everything in order? Yes, mein fuhrer.
Ve are making the prisoners make macaroni pictures That illustrate diversity in the vorkplace.
Excellent.
Doh! Kyle! Kyle, you have to keep making your macaroni pictures! Can't glue Anymore.
The guards are coming, kyle.
Glue, glue damn you! Take zis one away, he is done for.
Butters? No more arts and crafts.
Oh jesus.
We have to get out of here.
Please don't tell them that we're hiding here! We can't work any more, we'll die! What?! What?! Oh, uh, nothing! I was just getting back to work.
What is in there? Nothing! Get back to work.
Yes, sir! Phew Heh-Heh, heh-Heh Eww! Ohh! Hey, i was just kidding! There's actually two girls hiding down there! Hey! Tonight, we are here to honor an amazing 4th grade teacher With the "courageous teacher" award.
Herbert garrison came out about two years ago.
Since then, he has faced adversity, He has even faced ridicule by some of his students.
Oh randy, i'm so ashamed of our son.
It is my honor to present the courageous teacher award to- Herbert garrison.
* dump de dump de dumpity dump de dump * * dumpity dump Get along, little slave.
Oh my god.
That's what our boys were talking about? Ding ding! Ding ding! He is so courageous.
Say, mr.
Slave Yes, mr.
Garrison? I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Really? Why would you dream that i was being an asshole? No, no- I was the asshole.
Oh, that is so courageous.
What an amazing human being! Uh, i'm very happy to get this award.
But you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
Ahhh It isn't working! Sing your song, mr.
Slave! I've got a little- Ooh! Oh, jesus christ.
What's happening in there? Hang on, lemmiwinks! You solved the catatafish's riddle! Now your trials are nearly through! Oh, i should have never shoved All those poor animals up my ass! Uh- Courageous.
So courageous! God dammit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here! Oh, that's courageous.
Look, this kind of behavior Should not be acceptable from a teacher! Yeah, jesus christ.
But the museum tells us to be tolerant.
Yes, the museum! The museum tells us! Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something Doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called the museum of acceptance.
Tolerate means you're just putting up with it.
You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane, Or you tolerate a bad cold.
It can still piss you off! Jesus-Tap-Dancing-Christ! He's right.
Our boys didn't hate homosexuals, They just hated the way this asshole was acting.
We've gotta get our boys back! Huh! So now can i please get fired and get my $25 million? No, no, i think i have a better idea.
We're sorry, boys, why didn't you tell us Your teachers were acting so over the top? Yes, you boys don't know how much we've suffered! Come on, let's go.
But this is insane! I'm sorry, mr.
Garrison, But it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior.
Vhat do we have here, new recruits? I assure you, the next veek will be nothing But pain and suffering! Oooh, this could be kind of fun.
Ohh! * lemmiwinks has made it out the tale is nearly through * Great job, lemmiwinks! Thanks to you, we are all free.
But your adventures are just beginning.
For you are no ordinary gerbil, lemmiwinks, You are- The gerbil king.
All hail the gerbil king! * now that you're the gerbil king * * there's more adventures to go on * * fly away to faraway lands and to the setting sun * * there's still so many enemies and battles yet to fight * * for lemmiwinks the gerbil king * * to be told another night * * lemmi, lemmi lemmiwinks * * lem, lemmiwinks lemmiwinks * * lem, lem lemmiwinks lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks * * lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks * gerbil king * Ohh, jesus! Jesus christ, ohh!