Rules of Engagement s06e15 Episode Script

What what is his name? It's driving me crazy.
You know I wanna say Wayne or like Phil or something.
Just forget about it.
Oh! Boo-boo! That was yogi bear's little buddy! Oh! Hey.
Hey, how was the doctor appointment? It was good.
Yeah, all systems go.
Hey, did you guys find out the sex? Of Brenda? We think girl.
No, the doctor knows, but Audrey wouldn't let him tell us.
I want it to be a surprise.
The whole thing's gonna be a surprise.
Like we have any idea how to take care of a child.
We don't even know what happened to our cat.
Oh, I just had an idea.
I will throw you a baby shower.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You don't have to do that.
You know, Jen, you really don't have to hey, Jeff, she obviously wants to.
Don't be rude.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Everybody loves a baby shower.
Yeah, so fun.
Uh, honey Throwing parties isn't really your thing.
That's not true.
Remember the spa-themed shower you threw for Megan? It was a minor fungal outbreak.
Oh Ahh.
Did you just unbutton your pants? I did.
Is it really necessary? Well, I wanna prevent my button from popping off and boring through Brenda's skull.
Sir Have you had a chance to take a look at my proposal for the new children's hospital? I have not.
And that goofy voice of yours is like an axe hacking away at my skull.
Late night Welcoming the women of New York to rock bottom? It's been a week since I've rocked any bottom.
It's been a rough winter for the old Russell muscle.
Disgusting, sir.
But things are looking up.
I went online and found a new happy hour I haven't hit yet.
Which way is Delaware? Sir, before you cross into that tiny state, with your big-city viruses Might I suggest that perhaps you're trying to hard? How do you figure? Well, when Simon Cumberbash, the sublime batsman from our county side, suffered a significant slump in form during our push for the title, do you know what the selectors did? What are you saying? Are you having a seizure? I'm talking about an elite cricketer who was taken out of the game because he was playing horribly.
He was trying too hard so he needed a breather.
But after being left out of the side for a few games, he returned and inspired the team to the first-class championship.
That's classic Cumberbash.
So what's your point? My point is, sir, that I think you would greatly benefit from taking a break and focusing on things other than women.
Hmm, Timmy, could we go one full day without you hitting on me? Look, your efforts haven't been successful, anyway.
For one week, just one week, I'm sure there are some hobbies you could funnel your energies into.
I don't know, maybe.
Just think, sir, of all the girls who will turn 18 next week.
- True.
- Hmm.
Think about all the other girls who'll be turning 30.
Hey, Aud, definitely register for this.
I like this.
Jeff, look.
Check it out, ready? Whoo, baby down! Oh, I see you found one of our nursing pillows.
They can be such a help in positioning the baby for a bottle or a breast.
Sorry, bottle or what? Breast.
Made her say it twice.
What are you, five months along? Oh, uh, five and a half actually.
Oh, such an exciting time.
Yeah, only to be topped with the excitement of it actually coming out of me.
Is this the first one for you and your husband? My husband? Ew, gross, no hi, I'm Audrey, I'm the mommy.
That little person in there is mine, actually.
And that guy is my husband.
She said proudly.
Jeez.
Oh, shoot, I gotta get back to the office.
Okay, look, give me your list and we will finish registering for everything for you.
Eh, all right, okay.
I mean, you certainly look more the part than I do.
Look, it's not a big deal.
We got this, right Jeff? We've got it, you're in good hands.
Okay, thanks.
- Let's get out of here.
- No.
Here, you find the stuff, I am gonna try on some maternity jeans.
Maternity jeans? Sounds like a scam.
No, it's not a scam.
See, they stretch.
To accommodate my growing belly.
Excuse me.
Got these in a size 40? Sir? What are you doing in so early? Well, I'm energized.
I took your advice, I decided to give up the ladies for a bit.
Oh, well that's bad news for anyone selling pepper spray.
So, how was your first evening sans skanks? Well you know how it is.
We move on boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Sir, are you quoting fromthe great Gatsby? I guess I am.
Last night I got my F.
Scott on.
Well, would you look at that? One evening not focused on women and you read a classic American novel.
You're already a better man than you were yesterday.
Huh, and I feel better too.
- Hmm.
- Oh, almost forgot.
Hey, I whipped this up last night after reading.
Care for one? Baklava? The mount Everest of pastry-making? Huh? Heavenly, sir.
What on earth possessed you to make this? What, I'm gonna make moussaka and not have any baklava? What am I, an animal? Oh, you sure do like those new jeans.
You've worn 'em like every day this week.
They're very special to me.
You finish all that bacon, you won't be able to fit into them any more.
I'm not worried about that.
Oh, hello, you didn't tell me new baby presents arrived.
Yeah, why can't all that stuff go straight to Brenda? Because Brenda's not the mother.
I am you know that, right? The baby's gonna grow up here.
I do, that's why I'm gonna start labeling my food.
Okay, I'm off to the salon to get pretty for my party.
You really gotta get all dolled up for a party Jen's throwing? Why don't you just wear shoes that you can play beer pong in? Look, I know she's had some really crappy parties before, but I think she's excited about this.
I think she's really gonna step up.
All right, I'm headed to the movies.
Have a great baby shower.
Oh, crap, that's today? Look, it's on the invitation you sent out.
The party's today.
Oh, my God, I put the wrong date on these.
Everything's set up for next week.
Man, you are in a pickle.
Later, gator.
No, you can't leave! You have to help me.
I have no food, no favors, no decorations.
Oh, come on, honey, I was on my way to the movies, now I have to help you plan a baby shower? God, how much more of a dump can a Saturday take? Oh, my God! Somebody's already here.
Get them out of here! Howdy, neighbor.
Say, I'm dirty, I sure could use a shower.
Hey Liz.
Yeah, look, well we're not quite ready yet, so Oh, I'll say.
Well, I brought something for the baby and I brought my baby.
Uh, what am I looking at? It's Cornelius, silly.
No one recognizes him with his haircut.
Okay, uh, well, like I said, um, we have a bit more to do.
So, maybe come back in like 45? Uh, that's perfect because corny needs a diaper change.
And it gives me time to wrap this carrier back up for Audrey.
Oh, hey hey Jeff, Jeff, you guys mind if I borrow a couple of things from you guys? Yeah, sure.
What do you need? Uh, napkins, plates, chairs, food.
Oh, right, yeah, Jen's hosting that party.
Go nuts.
Oh, and do you guys have a Piñata shaped like a baby? I don't know, check the Piñata cabinet.
And, uh, help yourself.
Thank you.
oh, hey, Tim, I didn't see you there.
That was absolutely otherworldly, sir.
Oh, yeah I'm little rusty.
On the contrary, you sounded wonderful.
Oh no, I'm sorry, I meant, I'm little rusty.
That was my stage name when I was a child prodigy.
Here I thought your only musical talent was mastery of the chest bongos.
Well Those days are in the past, Tim.
These days I've been keeping my plate full with other fun projects.
This is a play I've written and I'm hoping to put up.
You know, off Broadway, of course.
My goodness.
Yeah, it's no Eugene O'Neill, but I'll give tom stoppard a run for his money, huh? Oh, and I looked at this big chunk of mahogany, and I saw this guy trying to get out.
Is it for the Binghams' baby to be, sir? Uh, yeah sure.
Mr.
Dunbar, it truly is amazing what you can accomplish without the distraction of women.
Might you consider, sir, focusing your now-clear mind on my chil Oh the children's hospital.
Hospital, yes.
Five steps ahead of you.
I finished the proposal.
I've been tooling around with the design.
- Spectacular.
- I tell you what.
Come by the office later today, I'll show you what I got.
Oh, thank you so much, sir oh, my God, you painted a fresco on your ceiling.
You try writing a play about Michelangelo and not getting inspired.
Oh, right.
Well he better not have taken any of my scotch.
Good.
Come on, the glasses? Hey.
Thank God, we are all out of food.
Where'd you go? Uh, the Korean deli.
It was the closest place I could find.
What are these? Those are Korean squid cookies.
They are to die for.
Thank you so much for hosting Audrey's shower.
Oh, you're so welcome, Tracy, I'm so glad you could make it.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
It is so important to celebrate babies coming into this world.
No matter if the lord intended the cockamamie way Audrey's doing it or not.
Jen? Jen? I need to use your bathroom, but you're out of toilet paper.
Oh Sorry.
Audrey! Jen.
Thank you so much for doing this.
My pleasure, you just deserve this.
Oh, there she is.
You're glowing.
I Ching Bao? Made with real squid ink.
Good afternoon, sir.
Hey, there he is.
Timmy.
Excited to show you the model for you new children's hospital.
May I just say again, sir, what you've been able to accomplish in the past week is truly astounding.
Well, since we started this experiment, I've gone days without even thinking about women.
Anyway, here's your hospital.
Hmm? Oh My God.
It's amazing, right? Yes, um Dare I ask, sir, what are those? Oh, these are observation mounds.
Originally, they were smaller, but then I made them bigger, and I'm much happier.
Check out the welcoming entrance.
Is that what that is? At first I had a lot of landscaping down there.
But then I said no good.
I decided to trim it down, you know? Give it a nice, sleek, modern look.
- You sure did.
- Yeah.
But I keep thinking all day long about putting a monorail system in here.
That goes in and out of the entrance all day long.
In and out, in and out, You know the building wants it.
I see.
So we're no longer talking about the children's hospital? What children's hospital? So, Brenda, what does your boyfriend think about this whole surrogacy thing? Oh, I'm a lesbian.
Oh really.
That's um Hey, is that Ching Bao? Audrey still seems a little off to me.
Yeah, maybe I'm throwing her off by not being at the movies.
Come on, I told you to come up with a baby shower game to make her feel better.
Okay, fine.
Hey, uh, I have a classic baby shower game that I wanna play.
Okay, so everyone just grab a seat.
Brenda, you're good right there.
Okay.
Okay, this game is called guess the weight.
Oh, I love this one.
Me too, I'll start.
Okay, I'm gonna say What? Heyo! This is supposed to help make Audrey feel better.
Oh, okay, no, you're right, you're right.
Okay, let's start with Audrey.
Oh, no.
Hey, how about we open presents? That's a great idea.
Okay, thanks, you guys.
Um, before I open them I just When I look around this room, I just realize how lucky I am to have oh, God.
What? Oh, the baby just kicked.
All: Oh! - I wanna feel! Gimme some of that! Here, Audrey hold corny.
Oh, jeez.
You feel it? Jeff, are you home? What the oh, forget it.
I don't even wanna know.
What's that? The gift bag.
Loose special k and some Baker's chocolate.
Not one of Jen's best.
Well, it was great for Brenda.
I'm just a 170 pound non-pregnant woman with cat pee on my dress.
Really? No.
I guess I I thought this party would make me feel more a part of the whole process, you know? But it didn't.
Aud, come on.
No, I'm I'm just a bystander in this whole thing.
You're not a bystander.
Yeah, well, thanks for trying to make me feel better, but, it is what it is.
I'm just gonna go lie down.
Aud? Yeah? It's a girl.
What? I couldn't wait, so I called the doctor.
It's a girl? I kinda felt like you needed to know so I did.
Oh, my God! What a crazy day.
I'll drink to that.
Ooh.
Ah, in at 11:30 reeking of amaretto and shame.
And all is right in Dunbar land.
Yeah, well, got back on the horse last night.
Which is an apt description of the young lady I bedded.
Not an attractive girl.
Sir, having witnessed firsthand the many talents you possess Mmm? I'm left wondering, what the hell happened to you? It's a funny story, Tim.
I was ten years old.
The year was 1994.
No, it wasn't.
The year was 1994.
I was practicing for my debut at carnegie hall.
When my parents got me a new teacher.
And it's been a wonderful life ever since.
Ah.