South Park s06e15 Episode Script

* i'm going down to south park * * gonna have myself a time * * friendly faces everywhere * * humble folks without temptation * * going down to south park * * gonna leave my woes behind * * ample parking day or night * * people spouting "howdy neighbor" * * headin' on up to south park * * gonna see if i can't unwind * * tim-Tmah tim-Mah, tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah * * so come on down to south park * * and meet some friends of mine * Be careful with my baby! What have we got? Not sure- Looks like a possible code 56! Kenny shut up, kenny! You're going to be okay, baby Get me 50 ccs of ketamine stat! And get something for the kid too! Is he going to be okay? Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him? I'm afraid he's Running out of time.
Why, what's wrong with him? It's his time, it's running out.
Well, what does he need? He needs to have more time.
What can we do? Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant I'll have to call in a specialist.
It's going to be okay, baby.
We're going to get you more time.
Kenny! Goddamn you kenny! Hello there, children! Chef, cartman is in the hospital.
They think he might die.
Yeah, and we don't know whether or not we should care.
Well, what's wrong with him? Well, nobody seems to know.
But we think it's because he drank kenny's soul Four weeks ago.
Kenny's ashes were in an urn And cartman drank it thinking it was chocolate milk mix.
Children! Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care.
Well you should! Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now come on, we gotta get to that hospital! He's looking a little better today.
Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
It will give out soon unless we do something.
Hey guys! How's it going? Cartman? No, that's kenny.
What the hell are you assholes doing here? That's cartman.
Oh my god, eric How long have you been channeling kenny? Oh, about a month.
Let's not validate his delusions.
Kenny? Kenny do you know what you need to get free? He's gone again.
Ms.
Cartman, we need to get eric to a medium Who can speak with people who have crossed over.
What! That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant! This hospital isn't gonna do him any good! We need to take him to see john edward.
Hey, i've seen that guy! He has a tv show where he brings people on And talks to their dead relatives! That's right.
We have to go see him in new york! I warn you, ms.
Cartman, Your son's time could give out at any minute.
He needs to be kept here where his time can be monitored! Oh what should i do! I'm playing roulette with my child's life! Ooh, wait, "hairspray" is showing in new york isn't it? Let's go there! Good! You children need to come to.
Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
We're going to new york? Welcome aboard flight 673 to new york.
We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight.
In a moment, we will be showing a preview.
Oh cool, we get to watch a movie? Awesome! Rob schneider was an animal! Then he was a woman! And now rob schneider is A stapler! And he's about to find out That being a stapler Is harder than it looks! Rob schneider is "the stapler" rated pg-13! Weak.
Weak.
Heh-Heh! That was kenny laughing, not me! This must be the place.
Okay, audience members, hi.
Welcome to the taping of the show.
It's all general seating in there, And just remember, mr.
Edward might not hear from The particular dead person you want to talk to.
So just keep an open mind.
Don't worry, eric, i'm sure he'll be able to help you! Ladies and gentlemen, john edward.
Thank you thank you Alright, let's get started.
It's coming from over here Does the name mike mean anything to anybody? I'm getting mike- Definitely an m Maybe matt.
Mike- Matt- Mary.
Mary was my mother! Okay, okay, and she died? Yes, yes she did! Okay and she's telling me something about the money? "The money is safe" is that making sense? Hmmm, not really.
It must be from somewhere else in the audience then.
The money- Uh, over here, please.
We have a dead friend.
Quiet down, boys, it doesn't work that way Uh uh, okay i'm getting someone now who's name is J t l m k Kenny! Kenny says hi.
Woaaaaa! Okay, now i'm getting that kenny died? We told you that.
And it wasn't a good death.
It was, it was a sad death.
It was like, a death that made people sad Does that make sense? Yyyyeah.
Oooh! Look, mr.
Edward, can you just ask kenny How we can get him out please? Doesn't work that way- Now kenny is telling me that you were his best friends And he's in a safe place.
No, no, he's trapped in cartman's body.
Oh, there's somebody with him.
Who is kyle? I'm kyle! Oh right and did an older woman pass.
She's asking for kyle, maybe a grandma.
Yeah, my grandma- She's here? She says there's something she asked you to do And you're not doing it.
She wants you to look for four white doves.
Oh my god! Now she's sending me a "p" word Maybe it's a "b" or a "h" My harry died last year! Oh it's coming from over here! I'm getting all kinds of voices today, wooo! Hey, wait a minute, dude! Okay, now harry, he's telling me- Ooh well, he's saying that you two used to do things? And that those things involved, stuff? The things did involve stuff! Wow-Aoao-Oao! Aw man! I can't believe i got fooled by that asshole! He seemed better on tv? Yeah, they must edit the shows down on television To only show him getting mostly right answers! Grandma is watching me always watching me Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you? Aagahgh! Agahgahgagh! Eric? It must be his time! I think it's running out! We've got no choice.
The only people i know who might be able to help eric Are my parents.
We'll have to take the next flight to scotland! Okay, children, this is your flight back to colorado.
Your parents are meeting you at the airport in denver.
We don't get to go to scotland? It's too far, and your parents want you back home.
Oh well, good luck getting kenny out of you, fatso.
Thanks, asshole.
Come on, we gotta catch our plane! You children get right on that plane now! This is a final boarding announcement For flight 342 to denver.
That's us, come on.
Four white birds! Huh? There's four white birds! This is what grandma wants! She wants me to attend jewleeard! Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually! So is it coincidence that grandma did talk to me About me going to jewleeard someday? Yes, now come on, our plane's gonna leave.
I'm not going back.
What?! I have to join jewleeard and make grandma proud! Tell my parents i'll call them.
Kyle! No, kyle! Aw crap! Hey, uh, i need to talk to mr.
Edward, please.
He doesn't do private readings.
I'm not here for a reading I just need to ask him something real quick.
Alright, come on in.
Just wait right here, i'll go fetch him.
Jesus christ Here he is! Ladies and gentlemen, john edward.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, i need to ask you a big favor.
You did a reading of my best friend And uh, well you kinda messed him up.
Ohhh "The john edward show is not liable for Opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only.
" Look, my friend kyle won't fly back home to colorado.
All i need you to do is just talk to him and tell him Y'know, that the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
Maybe it is for real.
Right, but it's not.
It's a trick you do and i need you To just let my friend kyle know that So he can go on with his life.
Look, people have the right to be skeptical.
I really hear voices in my head.
Yes, we all hear voices in our heads.
It's called intuition.
Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
Look, what i do doesn't hurt anybody.
I give people closure and help them cope with life.
No, you give them false hope And a belief in something that isn't real.
But i'm a psychic.
No dude, you're a douche.
I'm not a douche! What if i really believe dead people talk to me? Then you're a stupid douche.
I think i've had enough of your bullying me! Get out of my house or i'll run upstairs Lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
I'm nine years old! I'm not talking to your friend and i'm not a douche! Get outta my house or i'm calling the police! You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for biggest douche in the universe award, Ya douche! Son of a bitch! Kenny! Shut up, kenny! You shut up, fat ass! Hang in there, sweetie, we'll be there soon.
Welcome aboard scotland air.
Our trip to edinburgh should take about twelve hours.
Twelve hours? Jesus christ! In the meantime, we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
Oh good.
Rob schneider is a wall street executive.
With everything going for him! Only problem is He's about to become A carrot! I'm a carrot! It's twenty four carrot comedy! Rob schneider is "A carrot" rated pg-13.
Oh for the love of christ.
I wanna watch, fat boy! No, kenny, it's not funny! Kyle- Kyle! Don't try and stop me, stan, This is what my grandma wants! Look, i went and saw that john edward guy.
He's just a big douche.
He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma! Kyle, you can't run your life based on What some douchie psychic said.
They all just use a technique called "cold reading".
They've used it for hundreds of years To make people believe them.
Hey, woa now, john edward is for real! No, he's not.
Yeah, my sister told me He knew our mother's name and when she died! John edward? Oh yeah, i heard he walked up to a guy on the street And said his dead father wanted to say happy birthday And it was his birthday! Yeah, kid, how do you explain that? Alright, look i'll show you.
I just need a volunteer, how about you? Ohhh, me! Okay, i'm going to pretend that a dead person Is talking to me about you, okay? Okay Okay, watch, kyle.
It's an older man- Someone very close to you.
My father? Does this month, november, hold a special significance? My birthday is in november! Right, because he's saying "tell her happy birthday".
Oh my god! See kyle, i just started with something really vague.
I chose "older man" because i'm betting That based on this woman's age her father is most likely dead.
But if her father wasn't dead I could still say it was some other older man.
But how'd you know her birthday was in november? I didn't, i asked her if november meant anything.
Her father could have died in november Or thanksgiving could've been really special for them But i go with the birthday and validate now as if i knew By saying, "he wishes you a happy birthday".
What else does he say? Okay, i'll just use an old standard He's saying, "the money- Stop worrying about the money".
Oh my god My sister and i have been fighting over his inheritance! That's amazing! No, it isn't.
When a father dies inheritance is usually an issue.
And money is something everyone worries about.
That sounds a little too coincidental.
Yes, there's only one explanation.
This kid can communicate with the dead! Wow!Wow! Woaaa! Do me next, i want to talk to my mother! Can you try to reach my grandfather? You have to tell me If my sister is in a good place! Me next! I'll pay you! Kid, how would you like your own "Talking to the dead" show? Hi, pop! Junior! Aw son, it's good to see you, na! These are my friends, the cartmans.
Well come in out of the cold, na! There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
Look what the cat dragged in, nelle! Oh my baby, come home! Hi, momma! Lord, i thought you wasn't coming til 9:00! Mom, this is my friend ms.
Cartman.
Please, call me liane! So nice to have you here, liane.
And is this the children you told us about? Yeah, pop, this is eric.
Let's see hya Mm-Hmm Yup, there is definitely more than one children in there! Oh dear.
Nelle, you best have at it, na.
Oh lord, and i just put the roast in the oven, too.
Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it Don't nobody blame me.
Woman can't baste the roast and do everything else at the same time.
I ain't saying the roast is going to be terrible, Maybe just a little dry But i suppose we can make some extra gravy To take the dryness out later.
Alright, children, stand up on this chair, na.
Right na? Yes, right na.
Watch it, lady! Just stay still, eric, mom knows what she's doing! At a very young age One young boy learned he had a special gift This is "the other side" Okay listen to me.
Listen very carefully.
This-Is-A-Trick that i am doing, okay? Watch- All i'm gonna do is say a name That i'm gonna pick at random, okay? "They want me to acknowledge pete or peter " Yes! Yes my peter! Ooohh! No, stop clapping! All i did was pick a random name And wait for somebody in the audience to give a response.
Now that i see that there is a lone woman, crying My instinct tells me peter was her husband.
So i say, "peter was your husband?" Yes! Yes, my husband, peter! Ohhh!Wow! Ooh! Stop it! I didn't do anything! You knew peter was dead! I didn't start by saying "peter is dead" I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge peter".
That could have meant peter was in the audience Or that peter was somebody's friend or that peter had died.
I couldn't be wrong, see?! Now, i can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young So odds are, her husband was fairly young when he died.
So i can say something like, "I'm getting that peter's death was very untimely.
" Yes, it was! Ohhh!Wow! Ooh! Amazing! Ask peter if he knows my little billy! Okay let's back up.
Not literally! In the name of all that is holy We demand this spirit be set free! Agh agh There we go! We're gettin' something, na! Come out, spirit soul! Come on out, na! It's safe! Ughhhhhh! Here it comes! The spirit is coming out, na! Ooh, that's the potatoes.
Well, hold on the potatoes two seconds woman! The soul's coming out, na! Yaghagh! Aaghaghag! It's almost out! Alright, son, now bring me the victim child! The victim child? Yeah, you know! The child that we sacrifice, So we could put kenny's soul into its body! Oh lord they didn't bring a victim child.
Where were we going to find a child to sacrifice? We weren't going to ask you where you got it from.
Blabblefalg! Aw, damage! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go! Ooh thomas, don't let it get on the curtains.
Rob schneider derp da derp- Derp dee derp de derpy derp! Until one day Derp da derp da derp derp! Derp dee derp- Da teetley tum! Rob schneider is Da derp dee derp da teetley derpee derpee dumb Rated pg-13! Here, look, kyle.
I found tons of testimonials on the internet Stating that john edward has the entire studio wired To hear what people are talking about before the show And he pays actors to be plants in the audience! You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
Fine, i give up! You wanna stay in new york, then go ahead! So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me? No, i don't think either one of us can.
They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine! That you're saying i'm a fraud on your show! You better not ever call me a liar Or a fake or a douche again or else i'll sue you for slander! I am saying this to you, john edward.
You are a liar, you are a fake And you are the biggest douche ever.
Everything i tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche? Because the big questions in life are tough.
"Why are we here?" "Where are from?" "Where are we going?" But if people believe in asshole douchie liars like you We're never going to find the real answers to those questions.
You aren't just lying, You're slowing down the progress of all mankind.
You douche.
I'm not a douche! And i challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that i'm psychic and you're not! Fine, douche! I'm not a douche! Well come on, the soul is in here, It's panicking, na! It's going to the light! Unfortunately it's the living room light! I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, thomas.
Go on, na, soul, na! Here spirit, come out the window And i'll give you tree-Fiddy! Now don't go offering the soul no tree-Fiddy, woman! I just trying to persuade it.
Well, i know but you could at least Start at a buck o' five or something! Oh christmas, there it go again! It's headin' for the kitchen! Oh thomas, the pot roast! Don't let it get in the roast! Oh well I guess the child's a pot roast now.
What do we do with it now? I'll wrap it up with plastic wrap So you can take it home with you.
Should last a few months in the freezer Hey, i feel a lot better.
Eric, you're okay! Oh baby, your time is back! This child is clean.
Ladies and gentlemen it's "psychic showdown".
Here are john edward and stan marsh.
Thank you! Alright, asshole, i know you're here to try and throw me off So go ahead give me your best shot! No, i don't want to talk to you, I want to talk to the audience.
What- Why? You see, i learned something today.
At first i thought you were all just stupid Listening to this douche's advice.
But now i understand that you're all here Because you're scared.
You're scared of death and he offers you understanding.
You all want to believe in it so much, i know you do.
You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones Are floating around trying to talk to you.
But think about it Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die Having to talk to this asshole? We need to recognize this stuff for what it is- Magic tricks.
Because whatever is really going on in life and in death Is much more amazing than this douche.
You're right, stan.
My grandma isn't floating around Judging me and watching what i do.
She's dead.
Dead and gone forever! Yeah! But i do have a special power i know i do! There's nothing special about you, dude.
Get over yourself.
Goddammit, i'm special! What the- Agh! Greetings from the janax galaxy.
We seek the great john edward! Why that's that's me! Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
Well, thank you very much! No, it can't be.
I am quagmar and this is the intergalactic bdiu committee.
Mr.
Edward, it is my honor to inform you That you have been nominated for biggest douche in the universe! What? You are the first nominee from the milky way galaxy! Congratulations! Oh dude! If you'll step into our blavlefreed We'll give you a first-Class ride to the awards show! No, wait, i'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves! I give people resolution! Now do you people believe me? I don't know How'd edward know my father died in march? Goddammit that was a long flight! I thought'd we never get out of stinky-Ass smelly scotland! Oh it's so good to have you Acting like yourself again, sweetie! Well come on, we better get kenny back to his parents.
Wait a minute- Who's got the pot roast? I thought you got it! It's still at baggage claim! Aw dammit! Come on, we gotta find him! Kenny! Rob schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor Who seemed to have it all Until one day he came across a pot roast! And his life changed forever! Now, he's sharing his body with an eight-Year-Old boy! And he's about to find out That being eight Ain't so great.
Rob schneider is kenny! Rated pg-13.
Live from space station zaed in the valxen galaxy It's the biggest douche in the universe awards! This year's nominees are: Graglar the destructor Andromeda galaxy planet j-Eleven.
Dormanta unit five, jalax galaxy- Planet heelm.
Durrrrrrr! John edward, milky way galaxy, planet earth.
I'm not a douche! And finally, ursala, the giant douche From the horsehead nebula - Station j-12.
And the winner for biggest douche in the universe is It's john edward, milky way galaxy, planet earth! Aw, now come on now! * here he is * the biggest douche of the universe * * in all of the galaxies * there's no bigger douche than you * * you've reached the top the pinnacle of douchedom * * good going, douche * your dreams have come true * Derp da derp da derp derp! Derp dee derp da teetley tum!