Desperate Housewives s06e16 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
All right, I love you! There, I said it.
Feelings were stated boldly.
I think it's time for me to give up on men.
You could always just do what I did.
A romantic suggestion was made - Date chicks.
- Oh.
and a plan was hatched He wants to represent you.
They want you in New York immediately.
to break up a romance.
This is a huge opportunity.
The best part is, she is miles away from the nearest Bolen.
But young love couldn't be stopped.
Since she'd become a mother, Gabrielle Solis had learned many things.
How to get gum off of a remote control, how to rescue a doll from the disposal, and where to find disappointing report cards.
Gabrielle had also learned that no matter how hard she tried Cereal again? she couldn't please everyone.
Yes, another free meal you didn't have to work for.
It's tough being seven.
Celia, get down here! Ana used to make us bacon.
I miss her.
Yeah, well, she also used to do the laundry and the windows, so I miss her more.
Celia, the milk is poured! - I need cupcakes for school today.
- Today? How many? - Mom - Three dozen.
- Why didn't you tell me this last night? - I forgot.
We got any ham? I need meat.
Babe, are you gonna pick up my suit from the dry cleaners? Yes, after I fold the laundry, fry up some ham, and pull three dozen cupcakes out of my ass.
- Mom! - What? My face itches.
- What are those, mosquito bites? - Whoa, that looks like chicken pox.
No, no, no, no! I don't have time for sick kids.
Forget the dry cleaning.
You've got to take her to the doctor.
Oh, God.
What do you do for chicken pox? - I never had them.
- What? Stop! - Why? - You can't go anywhere near her.
If you haven't had them, you're not immune.
- In fact, you got to get out of here.
- Honey, Celia is sick.
Chicken pox is dangerous for adults.
Go.
I have to do the laundry, I've got dishes I will take care of the house.
Yes, Gabrielle had learned many things as a mother.
The most important See you.
was to get while the getting was good.
Seduction.
Any soap opera fan will tell you it's an art best practiced Stop! on those who are vulnerable.
Hey, there.
You hungry? I am now.
What's that amazing smell? Cinnamon brioche French toast.
But I probably shouldn't.
You're such an amazing cook, I'm already having trouble fitting into my clothes.
You need some maple syrup.
Seriously, you heated the syrup? You are unbelievable.
You should eat it while it's still hot.
Mmm.
Oh, no.
Look, I just got syrup all over me.
I don't know what it is with me.
I just have to get dirty.
You got some on your bra, too.
Oh.
I'll get it.
Please, it's wrong.
Then why does it feel so right? Katherine? You up yet? Oh, good.
I was calling, but you didn't hear me.
I think you fell asleep with the TV on.
So, what would you like for breakfast? Anything but French toast.
I don't think you'll be here that long.
I got it.
I got the perfect name for the baby.
- Patricia.
- Let me think about it No.
Why not? It's a great name.
I told you, I want to honor my aunt.
We're naming her Polly.
Polly.
Okay.
You get a peg leg, I'll get an eye patch, and we'll carry her around on our shoulders.
- Morning, Penny.
- Hey, baby.
Where are my pancakes? Sweetie, I've got a lot going on today.
I'll make you pancakes this weekend.
But I always get pancakes on my birthday.
That's right, you do.
But We have an even bigger treat planned for you this year.
What? Like I'm gonna tell you and ruin the big surprise.
How could you forget her birthday? Me? I'm pregnant.
I forget pants sometimes.
What's your excuse? What's my surprise? - What the hell are we gonna do? - Cover me, I'm going in.
Birthday breakfasts are for kids.
Now that you're 11, I was planning to make you the best birthday dinner ever with decorations, tons of presents, pin the tail on the You forgot my birthday.
Wow.
There was no covering that, babe.
You're twice the man he is.
What's Raymundo gonna say when he finds out Tiffany is sleeping with his brother? Alas, you'll never know.
Hey, Mom.
We were just taking a break.
So I gathered.
If you don't mind, Tad, I'd like to speak to my son.
- Sure, go ahead.
- In private, Tad.
- Oh, so you want me to - Be anyplace else but here.
Right.
- So what's up? - There's a truck outside with the flower arrangements we ordered for the Adams party, all 100 of them.
- Wait, but we only ordered 10.
- That's what I said.
And then the delivery man showed me this invoice.
At first I wasn't sure if that was Tad's signature.
But when I saw that his name was misspelled, I knew it was him.
- Would you like me to talk to him? - No.
I would like you to hold him down while I strike him with a large wooden spoon.
Whatever.
I'll take care of it.
What are you gonna say to him? Look, when Orson had his accident, did you or did you not put me in charge? Yes, but I'm starting to think that you are not ready.
Look, I'm never gonna figure this job out unless you let me make mistakes and learn from them.
I realize that, Andrew, but you're making Mom, I know you have your control issues.
But when stuff happens, you're gonna have to learn to just relax and let me clean up my own messes, okay? Hey, where do you want all these flower arrangements? Oops.
No problem, Tad.
As luck would have it, we've got extra.
Roy, we've got guests.
You can watch your soap later.
Come on, Roy.
Again, thank you for inviting us over to brunch.
- Everything looks delicious.
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it? All right, Karen.
You know what I want.
When company comes over, I get to use salt.
Roy's on a low-sodium diet.
"Low-sodium" is code for "tastes like socks.
" So sue me 'cause I don't want you dropping dead.
Listen to you two.
You sound like a sweet, old married couple.
So, have you ever thought of making an honest woman out of Karen? What are you doing? I just want them to be as happy as we are.
We're happy.
Living in sin suits us just fine.
- Is that how Karen feels? - Susan, why don't you try this frittata? Karen doesn't care about marriage.
Do you, pumpkin? Here.
Have some more salt.
I always figured you'd say no.
So, why don't you grow a pair and find out? Are you serious? Of course she's serious! Fine.
Mike, give me a hand, will you? Oh, my God.
This is so romantic.
Karen, will Son of a bee, there's the battery to my hearing aid.
Okay, okay.
Karen, you want to marry me? Golly, I don't know what to say.
This is all so sudden.
Answer.
My knee hurts.
I would love to marry you, Roy.
Yes! So if Gabby's just staying a couple of days, why'd she bring three suitcases? She said most of her dresses haven't had chicken pox either.
Oh, that was amazing.
I just took a nap in the middle of the day.
I guess it's a little different without kids, huh? Are you kidding me? I haven't taken a nap since Juanita crowned.
Okay, you just created a visual that is forbidden inside these walls.
Try to watch that.
Here.
You're just in time for pre-dinner cosmos.
In a crystal glass? Celia broke our last one six months ago.
I've been drinking my cocktails out of a Scooby-Doo sippy cup.
Mmm, I'm in heaven.
So, it's movie night.
Have you seen this? Does it have a talking penguin or a dog that plays basketball? No, just gratuitous sex and lots of violence.
Yay, art.
Oh-oh, somebody's glass is empty.
That's also forbidden inside these walls.
I know I don't know you guys that well, but I love you.
Oh, wow.
Are you okay? Oh, my God.
All right, it's time for cake.
- I got your favorite.
- Chocolate? I got your second favorite.
- Mom? - Yes? I have a date in half an hour.
Can I go now? No, you cannot go.
Preston's in Europe, Parker's at band practice, - you are representing all siblings.
- Mom Don't you feel bad we forgot her birthday? I didn't forget.
I gave her a present this morning.
So don't take it out on me that you and Dad failed as parents.
We used up all our good parenting on you.
That's why you're so delightful.
Okay, here we go! - One, two, three - Who's Polly? - Oh, my God! - Erase, erase, erase! Sweetie, I am so sorry.
You know, I don't know if you know this, but pregnant women get a little scattered.
And then your dad and I were talking about baby names, and I got on the phone with the bakery, and Which is clearly a terrible excuse and again, I am so sorry.
Let me fix this.
Hey, that just made it worse, and how would you like a puppy? Forget it.
But you haven't opened your presents yet.
Come back.
- Penny.
- I know her name.
- Nick! - Yeah.
What? What's going on? Danny took off.
Listen to this.
"Didn't want to wake you.
Went camping with Eddie.
"Had to clear my head about the whole Ana thing.
"P.
S.
Took my cell, but doubt we'll have reception.
" Good for him.
Are you crazy? He's never been by himself.
He knows how to drink out of a canteen and pee on a tree.
- I think he'll be fine.
- This isn't funny.
Look, should he have asked us? Okay, yeah.
But I think it's healthy.
Hey, better hiking with Eddie than alone in his room with a bottle of pills.
- I don't know.
- He's 19.
Eventually, we've got to let him live a normal life.
He's never gonna have a normal life.
None of us will.
I realize the mistake was ours, Mr.
Tan, but what am I supposed to do with 90 extra floral arrangements? Well, it will be your problem if I stop doing business with you.
Yes.
What can I do for you? Actually, the question is, what can I do for you? I'm sorry, did we have an appointment? No, but I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time, and when I woke up this morning, I told myself, "Today is the day.
" - May I sit? - No, no, not just yet.
- What is it you want, Mr - Allen.
Sam Allen.
I have been following your career for a while now, Mrs.
Hodge.
I've been to some parties you've catered, I've got your cookbook.
I've read every interview you've ever done.
And I think you're quite amazing.
How nice.
Now, let's skip to the part where you assure me that you're not some deranged stalker.
Hardly.
I want to work for you.
- Doing what? - Anything.
Everything.
I'm very busy, Mr.
Allen.
If you'd like, you could leave your résumé with my assistant I worked as a sous-chef to put myself through business school, where I graduated at the top of my class.
I know my way around a kitchen and a calculator.
And I'm not asking you to pay me a lot of money.
Not yet, anyway.
I want to learn your business from the ground up.
- And then I want to help you expand it.
- Really? You are a woman who has something to say about traditional values.
And I think our country is ready to listen.
I am flattered.
But I'm also fully staffed.
And I honestly wouldn't know how to use you.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
In regard to the extra floral arrangements, you could donate them to a hospital and record the loss as a charitable contribution.
And if you split the arrangements in half, you could double the amount you claim.
Just a thought.
Mr.
Allen Now you can sit.
Hey, where's your blushing bride? Upstairs in the can.
What do you want? Well, I thought I would drop this off.
It's a bouquet I found.
Don't you think it'll be perfect for Karen? Haven't you done enough already? Huh? We had a good thing going, me and Karen.
Now, 'cause of you, we're gonna get married and ruin it.
Getting married isn't gonna ruin it.
It's gonna make it better.
- No, it isn't.
It's like salt.
- What? All my life, I never cared about salt.
But when my doctor said I couldn't have it anymore, I started craving it.
Wait.
Are you telling me that you're gonna cheat on Karen? I go to a stretching class at the center.
There's a lady with blue hair who always sits in front of me.
Six months she's been there, I never gave a crap about her.
But this morning, I had to propose to Karen, I'm looking at old blue hair and I'm smacking my lips.
Salt! You're 80 years old, Roy.
Infidelity is dangerous.
My body's 80, but inside, I'm still a randy teenage boy.
Susan, I'm telling you, I have to kiss some other women before I die.
Well, you can't, so forget it! Just think about Karen and how much she loves you.
And if you do that, I'm sure you'll be able to resist any inappropriate urges.
Okay? Yeah, that's the stuff.
How is your wife being molested funny? It was just a kiss from an 80-year-old man.
It's too bad he didn't grab my ass.
You'd be rolling on the floor.
What do you want me to do? Beat him up? Take the tennis balls off his walker? Okay, forget about me.
What about what he's doing to Karen? I mean, they're about to get married and he has no intention of being faithful.
Because he feels trapped.
And whose fault is that? Don't point the mustard at me.
Susan, I was there.
You practically forced him into this.
Okay, I made a mistake.
I didn't know that he was some sort of Jurassic gigolo.
I have to tell Karen about this right now.
No.
You've meddled enough.
I can't let her marry him, knowing what I know.
Susan, he's having second thoughts.
I mean, come on.
There's not a married man on Earth who didn't have second thoughts before he got married.
Oh, really? I didn't mean Okay, I'm done.
See you, boys! Thanks for driving! Bye, Gabby! Don't forget to friend us! I won't, Fernando.
And good luck with your pec implants.
All right, time for a nightcap.
Nightcaps.
I'd forgotten all about nightcaps.
I miss the gay, single life.
You know what? She deserves the full experience.
- We're gonna throw you a party.
- Brilliant! I have mini-quiches in the freezer and 10 homos on speed dial.
It's done.
I'm so excited! Invite those guys from tonight, except Fernando.
- He's prettier than me.
- Mmm.
- Hi, it's Bob.
- And Lee! - Leave a message.
- Leave a message.
Hey, guys.
It's Carlos.
I'm looking for Gabby.
The doctor says the girls aren't contagious anymore, so she can come home now.
Thanks.
That's good news.
What? That is horrible news.
My children are healthy, damn it! - But you can go home now.
- No.
I'm not ready.
I'm just starting to remember what it's like to be human again.
Sleeping in, not stepping on toys, eating at restaurants that don't have a slide.
I have tasted freedom and I am not ready to give it up! But what are you gonna tell Carlos? Oh, no.
A stomach virus? Yeah.
When you called earlier I was throwing up.
Well, we don't want the girls to catch it.
What's that noise? My teeth are chattering.
Anyhow, I'll be home as soon as I can.
The doctor says it's a 24-hour thing.
- Don't forget the hangover.
- Or a 36-hour thing.
Got to go.
Start pouring.
I said I was throwing up.
I don't want to be a liar.
I can hire whomever I want.
It's my company.
And I run it for you.
I should have been consulted.
Why are you being so unpleasant about this? I hired Sam to help you.
I don't need his help.
I've got it under control.
Andrew, all I've seen lately is evidence to the contrary.
And if you think I'm gonna stand by while everything I've built falls apart - Sam, I thought you'd gone home.
- I stayed late to finish the inventory.
Well, aren't you industrious? I also wanted to talk about Tad.
What about him? Every task I've given him, he has either botched or failed to finish.
I think it's time to cut our losses.
We're not firing Tad.
- Why not? He's a moron.
- He's a good guy.
And I don't want you talking that way about my employees.
Andrew, you have to admit, he's more than a little incompetent.
Give him a chance.
He's just a kid.
You're having an affair with him, aren't you? Sam, how could you say such a thing? I think the more pertinent question is, why isn't Andrew denying it? Andrew? Have you had sex with Tad? - Just once.
- Oh, my God.
He came on to me.
It was late and I'd been drinking That's your excuse? Honestly, Andrew.
I am so disappointed in you.
Really? You want to play that card? - You're living with Alex.
- And you're married to Orson! Yeah, I know about Karl Mayer.
"Hello, Pot.
I'm Kettle.
It's nice to meet you.
" I cannot believe you would bring this up in front of a stranger.
Yeah, you know me.
Hypocrisy just makes me forget my manners.
- Perhaps I should go.
- Yes.
But I want you back here bright and early tomorrow morning to help me fire Tad.
No! No! You can't fire him! Yes, I can.
In fact, I can fire anyone I want.
And then right as I was taking off her bra, I woke up.
What do you think that means? - Seems pretty straightforward.
- But I'm not a lesbian.
You're getting ahead of yourself.
Maybe this dream isn't even about Robin.
Maybe it's about how I've been so hurt by men that women are the only safe option left.
Why are you even thinking about relationships at all, with men or women? You're still fragile.
Now, when you're stronger, then we can talk about who you might be attracted to.
But I'm not attracted to her.
That's what I'm saying.
Women my age don't just wake up one day with a whole new sexual identity.
This dream has got to mean something else.
Well, what it tells me, clearly, is that you are being distracted from your recovery.
So what am I supposed to do? Stop dreaming? No.
But you might want to consider asking Robin to find another place to stay.
God, this lettering is so small, I can hardly read the label.
All right, while you're deciding which one is dolphin-safe, I'm gonna get some beer.
Hey, Mrs.
Bolen! Do you shop here? Where's Danny? He said you guys were going camping.
Oh, yeah, no It turned out I couldn't go.
So, he just went by himself.
- You want to get in line? - You want to make me? Spill it.
I'm sorry.
He said he'd call you when he got there.
Eddie.
Hey, you guys back already? So where is he really? New York.
Danny went to find Ana.
Hey, hey.
Don't freak out.
It's a big city.
What if he goes to the old neighborhood? - Patrick is not going to find him.
- He found us the last time.
Come on, I've got to go pack.
You're in early.
Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd review our liability insurance.
- But I'm having a little trouble focusing.
- Maybe some coffee will perk you up.
About what happened yesterday, Sam, that ugliness with Andrew Driven, successful people like you have complicated lives.
But the specifics are none of my business.
My relationship with Andrew is, to say the least, complicated.
I'm sure Andrew respects and loves you very much.
- I just worry that - What? Well It's not unusual for children in a family business to have a sense of entitlement.
I hope you don't mind me saying that.
No.
Go ahead.
This must be so hard.
What do you do in this situation? Keep coddling him, hoping he'll change? Or do you cut the apron strings and trust that all the hard work you've done will allow him to thrive? It's a good question.
You know what? I've got everything under control here.
Why don't you go back to the house and catch up on your sleep? But there's so much work to be done.
Sure.
But that's why you hired me, isn't it? To help you out? Thank you, Sam.
You're very kind.
And, Sam, I'm very glad you're here.
- Come over to my house.
- Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Hurry up.
Wait, let's play.
Let's go play kickball.
Hey, Bert, I'm looking for Penny.
She didn't get off the bus.
That's because she didn't get on.
I figured she went home sick or something.
What? No, she didn't come home sick.
Where is she? Penny! Mrs.
Scavo? Penny said to give you this.
She's running away.
Any idea why she would run away? Problems at home? No, no, everything's fine.
Well, we did kind of forget her birthday.
And she put the wrong name on her birthday cake.
Honey, could we please stick to the facts that pertain to the case? How could you get your daughter's name wrong? Are you people involved in narcotics? No! No, I'm pregnant, and it makes me very forgetful.
Surely you can understand that.
I'm not pregnant.
You're not gonna look for our daughter, are you? Aguilar.
Yeah, they're still here.
Oh, okay.
Your daughter's fine.
She tried to use your credit card to check into a hotel.
Hey.
You mind if I come in? Wow.
Marble bath, flat screen, $8 can of peanuts, nice.
Sweetie, I am so sorry about the cake, and about forgetting your birthday.
I know you hate me right now and I don't blame you.
I don't hate you.
I hate that.
Oh.
Because you're not gonna be the baby anymore.
Penny, sweetie, you're missing the big picture here.
Preston's gone.
Porter's next.
When this girl comes along, we are poised to take control of the house with a three-two majority.
Do you know what that means? Women get veto power over what TV shows to watch, what take-out to get.
Just think.
Think of a world where the toilet seat is never up.
This is our time to take them down.
I'm sorry I ran away.
- We can go home now.
- I have a better idea.
Since you've already paid for the room, how about we order hot fudge sundaes and spend the night? - Just us girls.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You know, Mom, if you have two more girls, we'll take the lead.
Let's just order our sundaes.
So, there I was at this huge party, flirting with this Middle Eastern sheik, and out of nowhere, he offers me a million dollars to sleep with him.
- So, what did you do? - I slapped him.
Apparently in the right place, because I walked out of there with 20 grand.
Gabby, it's Juanita.
Excuse me, guys.
Got to do the Mommie Dearest thing.
Hi, sweetie.
How was school? What? You scored a goal in soccer? What? Wait, hang on, sweetie, while I find a quiet place so Mommy can hear you.
Hang on, sweetie.
Okay, honey, Mommy can Hold on, sweetie.
Do the words "wet paint" mean nothing to you? Juanita, honey, I have to call you back.
I love you.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - Is this a - A nursery? Yes.
We haven't told very many people yet, but Lee and I are trying to adopt a baby.
Oh, I had no idea.
Yeah, it's something we've wanted for years.
Oh, okay.
Why? I mean, you guys have this amazing life, parties every night, cosmos at 5:00.
You know all that goes away when the baby comes.
And we can't wait.
Last month, there was this baby in Ohio.
We got the call in the middle of the night, we were on a plane in the morning.
We got to the hospital and there she was, a little girl.
We held that baby in our arms for two days.
And then we went out to buy a car seat to bring her home.
And when we got back to the hospital, the social worker was waiting for us outside the nursery.
The mother had changed her mind.
I know how that feels.
I am so sorry, Bob.
You may envy our life, Gabby, but it's nothing compared to how we envy yours.
Hey, what are you doing? The party's just getting started.
I know.
It's just Juanita scored her first goal in soccer and she wants to tell me all about it, so - Go.
Give them a kiss for me.
- I will.
- Knock, knock.
Karen, are you home? - I'm in here.
Listen, I've been thinking about your wedding, and I just want to talk to you about - What's wrong? - Nothing.
The doctor found a spot on my lung.
A spot? He thinks it might be cancer.
- She told you, huh? - Yeah.
It's gonna be okay.
She's getting a biopsy next week.
She's gonna lick this thing.
Cancer picked a fight with the wrong broad.
So given the diagnosis, maybe it's not a good time to get married.
We are getting married as soon as we can.
- But you said - I know what I said.
All I could think about was losing my independence, losing my freedom, but after this happened, now I realize the worst thing I could lose is her.
So, you're willing to give up salt? I'm willing to give up anything.
- Oh, Roy.
- Uh, uh, uh.
Watch it, doll.
I told you I'm giving it up.
One kiss is all you get.
Hey, you're still up.
Yeah.
I sort of needed to talk to you about something.
If it's me helping with the bills, I've got great news.
You got the job? You're looking at the Downtown Grill's new hostess.
I start tomorrow.
Thank you for loaning me your top.
The manager said I looked very classy.
I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
- So, you want to tell me your thing? - No.
It can wait.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
I'll get you a glass.
Oh, my God! - Your blouse.
I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- Wait, what are you doing? - I'm just gonna rinse it out.
- No, no, no! Stop.
It's okay.
- No, but it's gonna stain.
- I'll send it to the dry cleaners.
- But that's so expensive.
Here we go.
You have to leave.
- What? - I need you to move out of my house.
Why? It's complicated.
Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? Yeah.
I'm sorry if I did something wrong.
I have a friend I can go stay with, so I'm just gonna go pack.
Robin You haven't done anything wrong.
I like you very much.
In fact, too much.
Lately, I've started to have feelings for you that I don't understand.
And it's confusing me.
You know what I'm saying? I do.
I'm having those feelings for you, too.
You're right.
I should go.
Seduction is an art.
Subtle methods of coercion are used to sway the susceptible and those who are determined will take their time to get what they want.
And when the seduction is successful, those who succumbed ask themselves, "Was I seduced? "Or was this what I wanted all along?"