Modern Family s06e16 Episode Script

[Clicks.]
[Clicks.]
[Clicks.]
[Clicks.]
[Typing.]
[People Chattering.]
[Ringing.]
What's the best first-person shooter about genetically-modified space marines? - Halo! - Honey, have you been playing your new little video game all day? When you say it in that tone, it implies Luke and I haven't been spending quality time together which we have.
- Can I talk to him? - Sure thing.
Luke! - I don't think he's here.
I mean, I-I know he's not here.
- Where is he? I am certain he is probably out with his usual crew of cutups.
- You're not doing laundry, are you? - God, no.
- I'm about to if I'm supposed to.
- No, no.
Don't.
Don't.
Can you vacuum out the dryer vent before I get home? I will absolutely do that.
Thanks.
I can't get in touch with Haley.
I haven't talked to her since we got in that fight.
- She around? - I think she slept at a friend's house.
- What friend? - Um Not a normal name, starts with a vowel, possibly foreign.
Oh, maybe Alex knows.
- Is she home? - Nope.
I have not seen her for hours.
- [Ringing.]
- Does Haley know an Arjibarge? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
Where are you? - I'm in the kitchen.
- Alex? When'd you get home? - I've been here all day.
- Oh.
You should get outside, get some fresh air.
It's a beautiful morning.
It's noon, and it's freezing out.
Phil, honey, when I'm not home, I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
- Sounds good.
Love you too.
- [Line Beeps.]
- Alex, do you know where Haley is? - Mmm.
I know she was babysitting Lily last night but I haven't seen her since.
By the way, don't read the draft I sent you last night of my college essay.
- I just sent you a new version.
- Uh, okay.
I will go read that one right now.
[Line Beeps.]
[Typing.]
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? Are you filming me? [Claire.]
Yes! I want you to see how crazy you are acting.
Me? I come to talk to you about something important and then you start chasing me around with a camera! I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work.
I come back, and it's the exact same mess, plus pickles and peanut butter! I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up! - That's exactly how I feel! - Leave me alone! I have a lot on my plate! Yes.
Yes, I can see that, honey.
You left it in the sink.
- Oh, my God! - I waited in line for two hours - [Door Closes.]
- But I got it.
Ooh, we making a home movie? Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey [Ringing.]
[Ringing Continues.]
- [Jay.]
Hello? - Hey, Dad.
Dad, take the phone away from your ear.
Why would I do this? Now I can't hear you.
Put it in front of your face.
Oh! How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean when we talked the other day that you knew I was in the can? - I do now.
- How was the presentation? Actually, it went really well.
The client loves the whole redesign.
- They just want us to swap out the handles.
- Damn it! I know.
Only knobs want knobs.
No, Joe bit me.
He's teething.
I don't think it's a coincidence that Andy took the weekend off.
Ow! Kid's like a beaver.
I'm afraid to wear short pants.
- Hola, Claire.
- Hey, Gloria.
- How's your trip? Are you having any fun? - Uh, yeah.
You know, it's a little windy, but, eh.
So you're okay with me cutting Luke's hair, right? - Hey, Mom.
- Well, hello.
It's nice to know you're not dead in an alley somewhere.
- Right back at ya.
- Yes, I am fine with you cutting his hair.
Just don't leave it too long on the sides.
[Gloria.]
I am very good cutting boys' hair.
You should let me cut yours someday.
Okay.
Bye-bye, Gloria.
- [Jay.]
You still there? - [Ding.]
Crap.
Dad, did you know it was Mitchell's birthday today? Of course.
I already called him because I'm a considerate person who really cares about his family.
I reminded him and dialed the phone.
- [Claire.]
Mm.
- Fly safe.
And remember, you can recline.
- It's still America up there.
- Thanks, Dad.
[Line Beeps.]
[Ringing.]
[Sighs.]
- Happy birthday! - Oh, hey.
Is it still my birthday? Watch it, or I'll sing to you.
Hap - Okay, okay, I give.
- Okay.
- [Claire.]
So, have you had a good day? - Yes, thank you.
Uh, Lily, she made me her famous chocolate-chip scrambled eggs - Ooh.
- Which she then watched me eat.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- You got my present, didn't you? - No.
Darn it.
They promised it would be there on time.
Oh, well, I can't wait to open it and check the date on the invoice.
- [Cameron.]
Hey, is that Claire? - Yeah.
- Hi, Claire! Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, uh, did you, uh, show her my gift yet? - No.
- Come on.
Show her.
Show her.
- Okay.
[Whispers.]
It's good.
- [Hebrew Accent.]
Wow.
Shalom and happy birthday.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
- Isn't it fantastic? Hey, Claire, did you get me some Garrett's cheese and caramel corn yet? - Oh, shoot.
I forgot.
- It's the one thing you had to do in Chicago! You are so right.
I'm sorry that I let myself get distracted by my job.
Okay, I'm looking for sweet and salty, Claire, not bitter.
[Claire Snickers.]
Relax, Cam.
I'm sure there's a kiosk around here that sells it.
- Good.
- Guys, listen, yesterday did Haley mention where she was gonna go after she babysat for Lily? No, but when you do talk to her, can you tell her to be careful with my powder blue suit - that Cam let her borrow without asking me? - Why did she want a suit? A friend of hers needs it for a wedding, and Mitchell needs to stop dressing - like he's in a barbershop quartet.
- [Claire.]
Oh.
Lily, honey, did Haley say where she was going when she left? - Who wants to know? - Aunt Claire.
Hey, Aunt Claire.
I heard you were being mean to Haley.
- I was not mean to Haley.
- Okay, you're screaming.
I don't know where she went.
Maybe Dylan knows.
Dylan? Why would Dylan know? He came over, and they were talking on the couch while I was in the other room behaving.
She's still talking to Dylan? Really? - [Ringing.]
- Oh, wait.
Guys, I got to go.
Uh, happy birthday, Babs.
What does she mean by that? Hi, honey.
Oh, don't read that last draft.
I just changed something in paragraph three.
Oh.
Oh, that's too bad.
Paragraph three had some of Oh, please, I can see your eyes darting around the screen.
Just read the new one.
Can you just do me a favor and call your sister? [Snickers.]
If she's screening, I'm not making the cut.
Why don't you just snoop on her Facebook page with your fake profile? I don't have a fake profile.
Mom, save it.
Brody Kendall just logged in.
That trick might have worked on Haley, but I know that's a picture of Chachi.
- [Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
- What? Please tell me that's some kind of mistake.
- Where? Which paragraph? - Get your father now! Dad, Mom needs you.
Tell her I'm in the shower! Honey, who do we call? What do we do? There's no way Haley's married.
[Sighs.]
Then why did she change her Facebook status? She probably didn't.
It could be a computer glitch, someone hacked her account.
I just think we should stay calm until we know the story.
Honey, I cannot get on a plane for four hours and be out of touch and not know what happened! It's not just the Facebook thing.
She borrowed a blue suit from Mitchell for a wedding.
Something borrowed, something blue? Do you get it? - Who would she even marry? - [Sighs.]
I don't know, but she was with Dylan yesterday and if she was gonna marry him, she would definitely hide that from us.
[Phil.]
But that makes no sense.
Why wouldn't he call me? [Ringing.]
Oh, hey, Mrs.
D.
- Hey, Dylan! - Oh, hi, Mr.
D! Are you with Haley? - In what way? - Physically, romantically, maritally? - No.
I'm at work.
I have a career now.
- Oh.
Hey, uh, can you hold this phone for a second? So you have no idea where Haley is right now? You mean spiritually, geographically? Can you please stop spinning that sign? No! My boss says if I do, he'll replace me with one of those guys.
Go back to where you came from! Dylan, focus! I don't know where she is, but I can sense that she's okay.
It's like we share the same brain.
[Alex.]
Who has it now? Okay, so last night, when you were with her she didn't say anything about getting married? Haley got married? That's so upsetting! [Groans.]
Done.
[Line Beeps.]
[Ringing.]
- Hi, Mom.
- Do you have Haley's iCloud password? Yeah.
She gave it to me in an little envelope with her diary key and a list of things she's most afraid of.
[Groans.]
Maybe we could guess it.
Claire, you accidentally hung up on me.
Oh, yeah.
Well, honey, you know me and computers.
Mom's trying to guess Haley's iCloud password which personally, I think is an invasion of her privacy.
- Ooh.
Try "password.
" - [Typing.]
[Claire.]
I'm kind of glad that didn't work.
I think I remember telling her to use something that people wouldn't know about her - like her favorite literary character.
- [Snickers.]
- I'm in! - What? What was it? - Snoopy.
- Wow.
And that could be your new nickname.
Okay.
"Find my iPhone.
" - [Claire.]
Oh, no.
She's in Vegas.
- [Phil.]
Are you serious? Hang on.
I'm zooming in.
Hold on.
Let me see what I can, uh [Whispers.]
Come on.
And Oh, God! Honey, she's at a wedding chapel.
Okay, that's troubling but think about it.
- If she's not with Dylan, who would she be marrying? - I don't know! Alex, she had to have told you something! Okay, you are really rubbing in our lack of closeness.
She won't even tell me what conditioner she uses.
- I have 12 minutes! Think! - Uh I don't know.
Ask Uncle Mitchell.
They're always giggling about boys.
Oh, good! Okay, yes, I'm gonna do that.
- I'm calling him.
- If it helps, I can alert my magician contacts in Vegas.
- [Ringing.]
- Although they are better at making girls disappear than they are finding 'em.
[Chuckles.]
[Line Beeps.]
What? Lily, honey, I need you to get Mitchell.
But they said I could have Mitchell? Mitchell! [Cameron.]
Hey, what's up? Uh, I-I really need to talk to Mitchell.
[Lily.]
It's my iPad time! Honey, what did I tell you about being selfish? Aunt Claire needs to speak to other Daddy just as soon as she gets me my popcorn.
What? Are you Cam, I promise you I will get you your popcorn, but right now, I need to talk to Mitchell! - Okay, cheese and caramel.
And caramel.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Hey, what's up? - So I'm pretty sure that Haley is getting married in Vegas.
- [Both.]
What? - Yeah, I need to know who she's been dating.
Um, t-there was this one guy who she thought that she might like, but, uh, I don't know.
She was weirdly secretive about him, but I-I g I guess that could still be a thing.
[Claire.]
Oh, hang on, hang on.
Getting a call from Dad.
Do the thing.
- Do the cute thing.
- Dad.
- Claire? - [Mitchell.]
Dad? Mitchell? What are you doing in my phone? You called me, Dad.
No, I didn't.
I'm shooting a video with Joe.
- Am I in your kitchen with you? - No.
Then you're not shooting a video with Joe.
Hi, Jay! Claire, was just about to go run an errand! Wha Are you kidding? Okay.
For God's sakes.
Hold Would you mind watching my computer for me for a minute? - Thank you so much.
- [Woman.]
Of course, dear.
[Jay.]
Hey, Mitch, I'm liking the new hat.
It gives you some presence.
What you getting at, Dad? Nothing.
It's a strong look.
You like one of those tough guys in an old Western movie.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, I guess it is kind of badass.
What if I tilt it a little bit? - You ruined it.
- Oh.
I like your hat.
It suits you.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.
- Oh, you're welcome.
[Claire.]
Okay, thank you.
- All right.
Got your life-changing popcorn.
- Yes! - Now can we get back to figuring out who Haley married? - Haley got married? - [Cameron.]
Oh, my gosh, I hope it was not to Jackson.
- Jackson! He was into some weird, um, food.
- Oh, God! - Whoa.
Haley got married? She is in so much trouble! Luke, what have you done to your hair? Claire, when you react like this, you're just giving him what he wants.
Ah, Luke said that you knew about it.
[Imitates Gloria's Accent.]
I didn't know about it! - I said a parent knew about it.
- [Whispers.]
Phil.
[Ringing.]
I know we're not there yet, but I've been researching annulments.
Oh, we are there because you let our child get a Mohawk! [Laughs.]
Sweet.
We, uh, had a bet.
You let him get a Mohawk because he won a bet? - No, he lost a bet.
- What? Phil! You'd rather I had a Mohawk? I have a career.
I don't have time for this.
We've got to get back to figuring out - who Haley has married in Vegas.
- [Doorbell Ringing.]
- Hold on.
Someone's at the door.
- Okay.
- So Haley's in Vegas? - Yes.
If you want, I can call Andy.
He's there too.
- Maybe he can find her.
- Andy's in Vegas? Yeah, he borrowed some cuff links from me for some wedding.
Oh, my God.
You guys don't think that Haley married Andy, do you? - Haley married Andy! - [Cameron.]
What? - Yeah.
- What bet did he lose? No.
No, no, no.
Andy is dating some girl in Utah, and Haley knows that.
Even if Haley was attracted to him I would hope she would have the decency and the self-control Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
She married Andy! I knew she was still into him.
She said he wasn't her type, but I'm like, "He's a man.
He's breathing.
" Maybe this is why she doesn't talk to me about things.
No, it can't be him.
He's a very nice boy.
Claire, trust me.
Andy's not gonna run off and elope with Haley.
He's a stand-up guy.
- It's a package for Haley.
- [Claire.]
Open it.
Well, that seems like an invasion of her priv [All.]
Open it! What to Expect When You're Expecting.
- [All Gasp.]
- Oh, my God! I told you he was a stand-up guy.
[Gasps.]
[Ringing.]
She's not answering, Phil.
Are you calling Andy? It's going straight to voice mail.
[Claire.]
I can't believe she's pregnant.
Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Jump? Let's review.
She's been moody, eating weird food, getting nauseous.
She left in the middle of the night for a wedding chapel in Vegas with her secret love and most suspicious of all she bought a book! - Oh, no.
What if you're right? What do we do? - I don't know.
I'll kill that Andy.
How could he be so irresponsible? I mean, he's a good kid.
But to run off with my baby girl after I fell for his "Aw, shucks" act! Which is probably not an act because he's genuinely nice and he thinks "shucks" is the "S" word.
Still, I want to kill him! But that would be robbing my grandchild of probably a really great father! - Damn you, Andy Bailey! - His last name is Bailey? Oh, my God.
She's gonna be Haley Bailey.
- [Alex.]
Wait.
I just thought of something.
- What? I'm going to be the first woman in my family not to get pregnant and drop out of college.
- Oh.
Maybe that should be my essay.
- I graduated from college.
Yeah, and Haley got kicked out of college before she got pregnant.
Okay, hang on, honey.
I am sending you a picture.
Do you think that this arsonist looks like Andy with a beard? No.
He's not an arsonist.
Gloria hired him to take care of her baby.
Gloria.
Right, of course.
You know how protective she is.
I'm sure she had him thoroughly vetted.
- ¡Hola! - Gloria, where did you find Andy? At the park, chasing some children.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna call him again.
- Hey, Mom, check it out.
- God, Luke, what have you done? I know.
What does he have to rebel against? Haley pregnant and me in a Mohawk This year's Christmas card is gonna rule.
What's going on? Did you find her? No, Dad! No.
I haven't found her.
And you know what? This is all your fault because you two introduced this horny stranger into our lives.
Let me get this straight.
You're mad because your daughter got knocked up and ran off with some goofy guy to get married behind your back.
I can't even imagine what that must feel like.
Really? Now? I can't think of a better time.
Jay, stop kicking her while she's down pointing out her mistakes at the same time the whole universe is telling her that she's a terrible mother! Oh, my God.
Okay, can't do this.
Gotta go.
- Bye.
- [Line Beeps.]
[Ballad.]
[Man.]
Christopher Robin and I walked along Under branches lit up by the moon Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore - [Ringing.]
- As our days disappeared - [Ends.]
- [Ringing.]
I miss my little girl! - Claire, don't do that.
- [Claire.]
Ah.
Yes, Claire don't do that! I-I Look.
You're not gonna find her in the bottom of that tin.
You're not near the bottom of that tin, are you? - I'm gonna be a grandmother! - Ah, there, there, dear.
Okay, Claire.
We don't know anything for sure yet.
- So take a deep breath - [Inhales.]
Put the popcorn down and just get your Not cool, Grandma! Okay, Claire, listen.
Listen.
Sometimes life hands you things that you don't want and and they turn out to be exactly what you need.
And, oh, my God.
I think I just talked myself into liking this hat because I keep seeing myself in it, and I'm like "Who is that handsome Yentl man?" - Are you serious right now? - Well Oh, God.
I gotta go.
[Line Beeps.]
[Line Ringing.]
I'm sorry.
That wasn't that helpful.
- Are you okay? - Our little baby got married without us.
I was supposed to give her away.
I was supposed to walk her down the aisle and give her husband-to-be one of these.
- [Chuckles.]
- "That's my baby girl.
- You take care of her.
" - Yeah.
- 'Cause that's what dads do.
- I got to call my dad.
Please don't tell him I was in charge when she left.
[Ringing.]
[Jay.]
Hello.
Can you see me? Thumb, Dad.
[Groans.]
The minute they got rid of rotary phones everything went to hell.
Dad, I'm really sorry that I eloped.
You were a great dad and you should have been there to walk me down the aisle.
And And I've never apologized for taking that away from you.
Well, we got to do that thing in Hawaii, and that was nice.
Yeah.
Guess what goes around comes around, huh? Look.
You're in the eye of the tornado right now and you can't see anything but your life swirling around you.
But Andy's a good guy, just like Phil and years from now you might look back on this and think "The best thing that could've happened was that dipstick knocking up my daughter.
" [Laughs.]
Aw.
That's so sweet.
- [Groans.]
Was he listening? - Yeah.
This dipstick loves you too, Jay! I take it all back! Wait a minute.
[Gloria.]
Jay, dile a Claire que I am trying to fix it.
Gloria's talking to me.
Some of it's in English.
Claire, Claire! Look, look.
I fix Luke's hair! Oh, my God, he looks like Shemp! Okay, yes, it's true, but maybe if I cut a little bit more on the sides or in Oh, no, no, no.
No more cutting.
Just give me a chance to get used to it.
- [Ringing.]
- Oh, it's Haley! - Haley's calling! - [Phil.]
What? - Hi, Mom.
- "Hi, Mom"? We have been trying to get in touch with you all day.
- I've been in bed.
- Oh, goodness.
I don't think we need to hear the details.
Haley, we know everything.
And I understand why you hid it from us, and while we are not happy, young lady we're gonna work this out.
Uh, before I admit to anything maybe you could be more specific? Haley! You're home! Yeah, I've been home all day.
I've been sleeping.
So you didn't get married? - Married! Why would I get married? - Ah! Because you're pregnant with Andy's baby! What? Why would you think that? Oh.
Because you changed your Facebook status to "married.
" Then we tracked your cell phone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
- Ah! - And you ordered this book.
Wow.
First of all, it's called privacy.
- Google it.
Second, I married a Cronut.
- What? Last night, my friend Andy and I, we went to go get Cronuts and I said that they were so amazing, I wanted to marry one so I posted it on Facebook as a joke.
Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy's car which he drove to a friend's wedding in Vegas.
And that book is for my crazy boss because he's designing maternity clothes and he wants to get inside the mind of preggos.
- Thank God.
- [Phil.]
I'm so relieved.
[Laughs.]
Wait a second.
How did you get on to my Facebook page? - I unfriended you.
- She's Brody Kendall.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Gross.
I've been playing Candy Crush with my mother.
How did you track my phone? Well, I don't think that really matters, and there's a perfectly reasona [Stuttering Noises.]
Oh, cut it out.
I can see people walking behind you.
Okay.
Gotta go.
[Line Beeps.]