The King of Queens s06e16 Episode Script
Damned Yanky
Doug, looking at your watch every 30 seconds Is not gonna make the chinese food come any faster.
You hate that that just rang, don't you? Oh! You could not smell better.
All right, what's the damage? All right.
Carrie, can you get your purse? 'Cause i'm out of cash.
I don't have any cash.
I thought you went to the atm.
I thought you went to the atm.
You, uh, take credit cards? No.
This is not happening.
All right, you stay there.
Don't take her away.
Uh, what are you doing? I'm lookin' for money.
When was the last time you dropped 24.
50 under the cushions? When is the last time you got off your ass and helped? Maybe he'll take something else, Like a trade or something.
That's a good idea.
That's a good idea.
All right.
What are you doing? Don't you worry what i'm doing.
You just get the forks.
Maybe you pay me next time.
Oh.
Ok.
Thanks.
I knew chinese food way before i knew you.
Doug, did you notice that we have shower that are all empty? Yeah, i saw that.
If you saw that, how come you didn't throw them away? Uh, 'cause i wanted to give you the chance to see 'em So we could have this fun conversation.
Just take them to the recycler, ok? Take the garbage out, too.
I got a sharp pain in my side this morning.
I must have pulled something last night.
I told you, it's killing me.
Ok, doug, do you really want to play this card To get out of a 4-Foot walk to the garbage can? 'Cause there's a cat show coming up- Ok! All right! Ahhh, it's hurting.
I'm feelin' it.
I'm feelin' it.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, god! Ok, doug, lying in garbage, That's real mature.
Oh, i like the tuna can hat.
That's a good look.
Now get up, doug.
Doug? Dr.
Garcia, how is he? He's gonna be fine.
Luckily his appendix hadn't burst yet, And we got it out just in time.
Oh, thank god.
Listen, he wanted me To bring it home for him in a jar.
If that's a problem, You could just put a radish in there.
He won't know the difference.
Anyway, i'm just gonna need him back here next week To take the stitches out.
Ok.
Can i see him? Sure.
He's probably still sleeping The anesthesia off.
If you need anything, just buzz candace.
Ok.
Thank you.
Doug? Sweetie? The doctor said you're gonna be fine, honey.
Ohh.
I feel awful about this.
I know i should have believed you When you said you were in pain.
It's just that you lie to me so much.
Will you ever forgive me? Yeah candace.
Candace the nurse? Honey, you want me to get the nurse for you? So hot, candace.
Doug, it's carrie.
Laura that's good, inez.
That tickles.
Aw, come on, jenna.
Yeah that's it, car come on, car roline.
Ok.
Carrie! Carrie, is lunch ready?! Sure, you know my name When you want food.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
This band-Aid's been itching me.
Let me get that for ya.
Ow! What are you doin?! Well, you were just pickin' at it Like a little girl, ok? It was annoying.
You've been snapping at me all day.
What's up? Why don't you ask inez what's up? Inez? You mean the girl from lenscrafters? You tell me.
What are you talking about? Ok.
Well, while you were in the hospital after the surgery, When you were sleeping, you were moaning all these girls' names.
What? Yeah.
"Oh, candace! "Oh, inez! Ooh, tanya.
" Sickening.
No, those weren't girls.
I was having a dream where i was helping someone Name a litter of puppies.
Oh.
Well, apparently 2 puppies named britney and christina Were making out with you in a limo.
That's 'cause i had treats in my pocket.
I- Fine.
Look, Maybe i was having some kind of crazy dream, But you-You know i love you! You know i'm totally attracted to you.
It's just, like any guy, Once in a while a image of another woman just pops into my head, For, like, a second! But you're m'lady.
You're m'hon-Ay.
Oh, that's funny, 'Cause your hon-Ay's name didn't come up.
Yeah.
There was a car roline and, uh, a car washgirl, But no "carrie.
" That's 'cause i don't need to fantasize about you, ok? You're the living fantasy That i'm honored to share my- Oh, would you shut up? Look, i know it's normal, ok? But, i mean, There i was in the hospital room feeling sorry for you, And the next thing i know, You're fantasizing about cheating on me With all these skanks! It hurts! I wasn't cheating, ok? Doug, we're married, ok? I'm your wife, and you're doing stuff in your head with them.
How is that not cheating? It's just not.
How? You're not there.
I'm not there.
What, i'm not in the room? I'm not in the country, what? You're not alive.
Ok, so let me get this straight.
In your fantasies, You kill me? No.
No, i don't.
It's the rare disease that kills you.
Or the bolt of lightning.
Definitely not me.
Ow! That wasn't ready to come off yet! I can't believe what i'm hearing here! Let me explain, ok? Please, doug.
Explain to me Why i shouldn't be upset that you want me dead! Look, i don't want you dead, all right? You got it all wrong.
I mean the truth is, I love you so much That i could never even imagine cheating on you, So the only way i can have any fantasies at all Is if you're up there.
So to avoid the guilt of adultery, You choose murder? Again, not murder.
In my fantasies, You're always taken from me tragically.
I'm devastated.
I give myself 2 years to grieve.
After that, Even your friends are like, "you gotta move on.
" And would one of those friends be lisa, My friend you're always checking out? She may be one of those consoling me, yes.
And do you end up sleeping with her? God sakes, it's been 2 years! Oh, my god! Ok.
So what i'm getting here Is i'm electrocuted And you're boffing my friends.
No, no, it's usually not your friends! That's not typical at all.
What is typical, doug? Ohh! Do you really wanna open this box? Yes, i think i do.
All right, fine.
Like i'm in the park, Grieving just trying to heal, Trying to quiet the endless scream In my soul when a chick in a sports bra comes over to me.
Uh-Huh.
But it's innocent, you know? We just start talking, And then i introduce her to bobby.
Who's bobby? He's our son.
We have a son?! He's the part of you that lives on.
All right, i don't wanna hear any more.
Wait! You know what? There's a lot of judging me here.
What about you? You know, you fantasize about other men, right? Yeah, occasionally.
I'm definitely gonna step it up now! I'm serious.
Like, when you and keanu Are getting it on, where am i? What do you do with me? You're around! I'm just cheating on you.
I'm not pushing you down a flight of stairs! I don't push you down stairs! You trip on bobby's skateboard! Oh, bite me! Well, i certainly see where he gets his mouth from! What are these? These are the sex fantasies you're allowed to have.
You wrote fantasies for me? Yeah.
Look, i know i got upset last night, ok? People fantasize.
I get it, But i just can't let you kill me anymore.
It's just not right.
That doesn't mean You can write fantasies for me.
You're my wife! So? So? Do i let my cardiologist order for me At der wienerschnitzel? Well, doug, i happen to have provided you With alternatives i think Are quite sensuous.
Ok, see, "sensuous" Is a red flag already, right there.
Let's see what you got, though.
Oh, boy.
"You are alone.
"Carrie is away on a business trip For vogue magazine.
" "You go to a florist to buy carrie flowers.
The florist reminds you of carrie.
" Ok, first note: Little too much carrie.
All right, that was my first one.
They get better.
Keep going.
"You follow a trail of rose petals To a canopied bed.
" "You ride a horse across a field " Ok, i'm pretty sure this one was a dharma and greg.
Doug, come on! I worked hard on these, ok? The least you can do is have an open mind.
This is crazy! I mean, look at this! I- I'm on a horse.
I'm biking through wine country.
Why i am so active? Do you know in my own fantasies, I rarely get out of a chair? Look, These are your fantasies now, ok? And you better start using them, 'Cause if i find out i'm dead, You're dead.
"You take her hand in yours "As the gondolier looks discreetly away.
"You stroke her hair And she whispers, amore.
" Damn! Ohh! Oh, it gets better.
I'm about to pick up a mandolin And start singing.
Hey, if these carrie fantasies Aren't quite working for you, Maybe you could have your mom fire off a few.
You guys are funny.
Laugh it up, you know? But carrie's making me do these.
Making you? How's carrie gonna know What you're fantasizing about? She knows things, ok? I mean, how did she know i was the one Who got russian dressing on our wedding album? I think a lot of people could've connected those dots.
That's not even the point.
All right? Look, carrie's feelings were really hurt about this.
I just can't blow her off.
All right? I feel too guilty.
Some of these aren't that bad.
Hey, this one's got her nail girl tina in it.
She's pretty hot.
All right.
Good luck with that.
I'm gonna hit it.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, can i, uh, borrow this one? Which? The one with, uh, meredith baxter-Birney.
I'll get it back to you when i'm done.
My gift to you.
Thank you.
Oh, and if anything with judith light Comes across your desk, uh, Shoot it my way, will ya? All right, tina, Let's see what you got.
Oh, doug, i'm glad you're here.
Can you pay tina? I'm meeting donna karan.
We're gonna play darts at calvin klein's place.
Oh.
Sure.
Great.
Thanks.
Oh, and i won't be back for a few hours.
Ok? Ahem.
Whoops.
I seem to have forgotten my wallet.
I- I don't know how i'm gonna pay you.
Well, that's very bad news.
Is there any other way We could, uh, work this out? I'm sure we can think of something.
Uh what's the matter? It's just my wife.
She said she won't be back for hours.
Right.
Ohh, i-I can't- I- I-Look, i-I- I just need a minute here.
Oh, my god! What was that? My wife.
She's dead.
Now where were we? I thought you said you weren't going to kill me! I didn't mean to! Well, you know what? We had a deal.
Now your little party's over, buddy.
Out.
Out! Look to me.
Out.
Who's back there? Nobody.
Who are they?! My friends? These- These are the women you fantasize about.
These are your regulars! Actually, she's not a regular.
I saw her on a billboard this morning.
All right, well, you know what? Let's go, ladies.
Out.
Let's go.
Party's over.
Time to go.
Let's go, hee haw.
Oh, uh-Huh.
Nice.
Yeah.
You, too, food court.
I see ya.
I see ya.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, there's sports bra.
That's nice, yeah.
Village people make a comeback? Ok.
That's great.
Is that one of your mom's friends? You're sick! Get out of my brain.
What are you talking about? I tried one of your little fantasies.
It didn't work, and now that you're in here, None of my old fantasies work either.
You chased everyone away! Look, i just don't want you to kill me.
I don't think that's too much to ask! I am tired of apologizing for this.
Killing off your spouse in your fantasies Is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world! Why can't you see that? Hey, doug.
How are those stitches doing? Oh, they're, uh- They're good.
He hasn't been biting at 'em, has he? No.
Just a couple of minutes to get 'em out.
And while you wait, you can enjoy a very old people magazine.
Oh! Ok.
Bye.
Mrs.
Heffernan? I'm afraid the stitch removal didn't go well.
What do you mean? What i'm trying to say is your husband he's dead.
Honey! I loved you so much! A woman as beautiful as you Should not be crying.
Why? What should i be doing? Dancing! Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! Carrie.
Carrie! Huh? Yes.
I'm done.
Everything's fine.
Oh, well, that's great, sweetie! "Sweetie"? What's up with- You're not mad anymore? No.
No, i was just sitting here Thinking about, uh, How much i love you.
Come on, let's go get some ice cream.
Who are you? I'm josephine.
Your wife sent me.
Oh.
Doug heffernan.
Hi.
Oh, what the hell.
You hate that that just rang, don't you? Oh! You could not smell better.
All right, what's the damage? All right.
Carrie, can you get your purse? 'Cause i'm out of cash.
I don't have any cash.
I thought you went to the atm.
I thought you went to the atm.
You, uh, take credit cards? No.
This is not happening.
All right, you stay there.
Don't take her away.
Uh, what are you doing? I'm lookin' for money.
When was the last time you dropped 24.
50 under the cushions? When is the last time you got off your ass and helped? Maybe he'll take something else, Like a trade or something.
That's a good idea.
That's a good idea.
All right.
What are you doing? Don't you worry what i'm doing.
You just get the forks.
Maybe you pay me next time.
Oh.
Ok.
Thanks.
I knew chinese food way before i knew you.
Doug, did you notice that we have shower that are all empty? Yeah, i saw that.
If you saw that, how come you didn't throw them away? Uh, 'cause i wanted to give you the chance to see 'em So we could have this fun conversation.
Just take them to the recycler, ok? Take the garbage out, too.
I got a sharp pain in my side this morning.
I must have pulled something last night.
I told you, it's killing me.
Ok, doug, do you really want to play this card To get out of a 4-Foot walk to the garbage can? 'Cause there's a cat show coming up- Ok! All right! Ahhh, it's hurting.
I'm feelin' it.
I'm feelin' it.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, god! Ok, doug, lying in garbage, That's real mature.
Oh, i like the tuna can hat.
That's a good look.
Now get up, doug.
Doug? Dr.
Garcia, how is he? He's gonna be fine.
Luckily his appendix hadn't burst yet, And we got it out just in time.
Oh, thank god.
Listen, he wanted me To bring it home for him in a jar.
If that's a problem, You could just put a radish in there.
He won't know the difference.
Anyway, i'm just gonna need him back here next week To take the stitches out.
Ok.
Can i see him? Sure.
He's probably still sleeping The anesthesia off.
If you need anything, just buzz candace.
Ok.
Thank you.
Doug? Sweetie? The doctor said you're gonna be fine, honey.
Ohh.
I feel awful about this.
I know i should have believed you When you said you were in pain.
It's just that you lie to me so much.
Will you ever forgive me? Yeah candace.
Candace the nurse? Honey, you want me to get the nurse for you? So hot, candace.
Doug, it's carrie.
Laura that's good, inez.
That tickles.
Aw, come on, jenna.
Yeah that's it, car come on, car roline.
Ok.
Carrie! Carrie, is lunch ready?! Sure, you know my name When you want food.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
This band-Aid's been itching me.
Let me get that for ya.
Ow! What are you doin?! Well, you were just pickin' at it Like a little girl, ok? It was annoying.
You've been snapping at me all day.
What's up? Why don't you ask inez what's up? Inez? You mean the girl from lenscrafters? You tell me.
What are you talking about? Ok.
Well, while you were in the hospital after the surgery, When you were sleeping, you were moaning all these girls' names.
What? Yeah.
"Oh, candace! "Oh, inez! Ooh, tanya.
" Sickening.
No, those weren't girls.
I was having a dream where i was helping someone Name a litter of puppies.
Oh.
Well, apparently 2 puppies named britney and christina Were making out with you in a limo.
That's 'cause i had treats in my pocket.
I- Fine.
Look, Maybe i was having some kind of crazy dream, But you-You know i love you! You know i'm totally attracted to you.
It's just, like any guy, Once in a while a image of another woman just pops into my head, For, like, a second! But you're m'lady.
You're m'hon-Ay.
Oh, that's funny, 'Cause your hon-Ay's name didn't come up.
Yeah.
There was a car roline and, uh, a car washgirl, But no "carrie.
" That's 'cause i don't need to fantasize about you, ok? You're the living fantasy That i'm honored to share my- Oh, would you shut up? Look, i know it's normal, ok? But, i mean, There i was in the hospital room feeling sorry for you, And the next thing i know, You're fantasizing about cheating on me With all these skanks! It hurts! I wasn't cheating, ok? Doug, we're married, ok? I'm your wife, and you're doing stuff in your head with them.
How is that not cheating? It's just not.
How? You're not there.
I'm not there.
What, i'm not in the room? I'm not in the country, what? You're not alive.
Ok, so let me get this straight.
In your fantasies, You kill me? No.
No, i don't.
It's the rare disease that kills you.
Or the bolt of lightning.
Definitely not me.
Ow! That wasn't ready to come off yet! I can't believe what i'm hearing here! Let me explain, ok? Please, doug.
Explain to me Why i shouldn't be upset that you want me dead! Look, i don't want you dead, all right? You got it all wrong.
I mean the truth is, I love you so much That i could never even imagine cheating on you, So the only way i can have any fantasies at all Is if you're up there.
So to avoid the guilt of adultery, You choose murder? Again, not murder.
In my fantasies, You're always taken from me tragically.
I'm devastated.
I give myself 2 years to grieve.
After that, Even your friends are like, "you gotta move on.
" And would one of those friends be lisa, My friend you're always checking out? She may be one of those consoling me, yes.
And do you end up sleeping with her? God sakes, it's been 2 years! Oh, my god! Ok.
So what i'm getting here Is i'm electrocuted And you're boffing my friends.
No, no, it's usually not your friends! That's not typical at all.
What is typical, doug? Ohh! Do you really wanna open this box? Yes, i think i do.
All right, fine.
Like i'm in the park, Grieving just trying to heal, Trying to quiet the endless scream In my soul when a chick in a sports bra comes over to me.
Uh-Huh.
But it's innocent, you know? We just start talking, And then i introduce her to bobby.
Who's bobby? He's our son.
We have a son?! He's the part of you that lives on.
All right, i don't wanna hear any more.
Wait! You know what? There's a lot of judging me here.
What about you? You know, you fantasize about other men, right? Yeah, occasionally.
I'm definitely gonna step it up now! I'm serious.
Like, when you and keanu Are getting it on, where am i? What do you do with me? You're around! I'm just cheating on you.
I'm not pushing you down a flight of stairs! I don't push you down stairs! You trip on bobby's skateboard! Oh, bite me! Well, i certainly see where he gets his mouth from! What are these? These are the sex fantasies you're allowed to have.
You wrote fantasies for me? Yeah.
Look, i know i got upset last night, ok? People fantasize.
I get it, But i just can't let you kill me anymore.
It's just not right.
That doesn't mean You can write fantasies for me.
You're my wife! So? So? Do i let my cardiologist order for me At der wienerschnitzel? Well, doug, i happen to have provided you With alternatives i think Are quite sensuous.
Ok, see, "sensuous" Is a red flag already, right there.
Let's see what you got, though.
Oh, boy.
"You are alone.
"Carrie is away on a business trip For vogue magazine.
" "You go to a florist to buy carrie flowers.
The florist reminds you of carrie.
" Ok, first note: Little too much carrie.
All right, that was my first one.
They get better.
Keep going.
"You follow a trail of rose petals To a canopied bed.
" "You ride a horse across a field " Ok, i'm pretty sure this one was a dharma and greg.
Doug, come on! I worked hard on these, ok? The least you can do is have an open mind.
This is crazy! I mean, look at this! I- I'm on a horse.
I'm biking through wine country.
Why i am so active? Do you know in my own fantasies, I rarely get out of a chair? Look, These are your fantasies now, ok? And you better start using them, 'Cause if i find out i'm dead, You're dead.
"You take her hand in yours "As the gondolier looks discreetly away.
"You stroke her hair And she whispers, amore.
" Damn! Ohh! Oh, it gets better.
I'm about to pick up a mandolin And start singing.
Hey, if these carrie fantasies Aren't quite working for you, Maybe you could have your mom fire off a few.
You guys are funny.
Laugh it up, you know? But carrie's making me do these.
Making you? How's carrie gonna know What you're fantasizing about? She knows things, ok? I mean, how did she know i was the one Who got russian dressing on our wedding album? I think a lot of people could've connected those dots.
That's not even the point.
All right? Look, carrie's feelings were really hurt about this.
I just can't blow her off.
All right? I feel too guilty.
Some of these aren't that bad.
Hey, this one's got her nail girl tina in it.
She's pretty hot.
All right.
Good luck with that.
I'm gonna hit it.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, can i, uh, borrow this one? Which? The one with, uh, meredith baxter-Birney.
I'll get it back to you when i'm done.
My gift to you.
Thank you.
Oh, and if anything with judith light Comes across your desk, uh, Shoot it my way, will ya? All right, tina, Let's see what you got.
Oh, doug, i'm glad you're here.
Can you pay tina? I'm meeting donna karan.
We're gonna play darts at calvin klein's place.
Oh.
Sure.
Great.
Thanks.
Oh, and i won't be back for a few hours.
Ok? Ahem.
Whoops.
I seem to have forgotten my wallet.
I- I don't know how i'm gonna pay you.
Well, that's very bad news.
Is there any other way We could, uh, work this out? I'm sure we can think of something.
Uh what's the matter? It's just my wife.
She said she won't be back for hours.
Right.
Ohh, i-I can't- I- I-Look, i-I- I just need a minute here.
Oh, my god! What was that? My wife.
She's dead.
Now where were we? I thought you said you weren't going to kill me! I didn't mean to! Well, you know what? We had a deal.
Now your little party's over, buddy.
Out.
Out! Look to me.
Out.
Who's back there? Nobody.
Who are they?! My friends? These- These are the women you fantasize about.
These are your regulars! Actually, she's not a regular.
I saw her on a billboard this morning.
All right, well, you know what? Let's go, ladies.
Out.
Let's go.
Party's over.
Time to go.
Let's go, hee haw.
Oh, uh-Huh.
Nice.
Yeah.
You, too, food court.
I see ya.
I see ya.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, there's sports bra.
That's nice, yeah.
Village people make a comeback? Ok.
That's great.
Is that one of your mom's friends? You're sick! Get out of my brain.
What are you talking about? I tried one of your little fantasies.
It didn't work, and now that you're in here, None of my old fantasies work either.
You chased everyone away! Look, i just don't want you to kill me.
I don't think that's too much to ask! I am tired of apologizing for this.
Killing off your spouse in your fantasies Is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world! Why can't you see that? Hey, doug.
How are those stitches doing? Oh, they're, uh- They're good.
He hasn't been biting at 'em, has he? No.
Just a couple of minutes to get 'em out.
And while you wait, you can enjoy a very old people magazine.
Oh! Ok.
Bye.
Mrs.
Heffernan? I'm afraid the stitch removal didn't go well.
What do you mean? What i'm trying to say is your husband he's dead.
Honey! I loved you so much! A woman as beautiful as you Should not be crying.
Why? What should i be doing? Dancing! Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! Carrie.
Carrie! Huh? Yes.
I'm done.
Everything's fine.
Oh, well, that's great, sweetie! "Sweetie"? What's up with- You're not mad anymore? No.
No, i was just sitting here Thinking about, uh, How much i love you.
Come on, let's go get some ice cream.
Who are you? I'm josephine.
Your wife sent me.
Oh.
Doug heffernan.
Hi.
Oh, what the hell.