The Middle s06e16 Episode Script

Technology.
It's moving faster than ever, unless you're in Orson.
We just gotta match it with a frequency on your FM station, and we should be all set.
Mike bought me a Bluetooth at the McVaney's garage sale 'cause for some reason, he thought I needed a hands-free phone.
Hold on.
I'm gonna put you on speaker.
Okay, here we go.
Now what were you saying? Oh, great.
Remember, it's synced to your phone.
So if you're in the car, or even near the car, the Bluetooth will kick in, and you'll hear everything over the car speakers.
- Ooh, fancy! - Yeah.
It was in a dollar bin of pagers and 8-track tapes.
I don't think "fancy" is the right word.
What's Axl doing here? Ugh.
He's going to some party this weekend and bringing a friend home.
I'm sure it'll be three seconds before he's bugging me to make 'em lunch and do their laundry.
Hi.
You want me to make you some lunch? Do your laundry? Oh, good.
There you are.
Finn, this is my brother.
If you see a half-dork, half-girl walking around, that's my sister.
Feel free to ignore them both.
So I've got fake noses and rock gloves.
What time are we leaving tomorrow? We should probably go early.
Silligans aren't known for being prompt.
What are you talkin' about? Nowhere con.
The "Planet Nowhere" convention.
Tomorrow in Indianapolis? You said you'd take me.
Uh, that doesn't sound like us.
Will you take me to the "Planet Nowhere" convention - in Indianapolis? - What? Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker.
Okay, here we go.
Now what were you saying? Oh, great.
You said, "oh, great.
" Brick, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't use the word "great" about a "Planet Nowhere" convention.
Okay, I guess I don't have to go.
It's fine.
Toss another broken promise onto the fire.
All right, fine.
We'll take you.
Yes! And who knows? You may even enjoy it.
Rumor has it, they're gonna have a 1/16th scale replica of a Vernego hypercraft.
Message boards are blowing up.
Please don't make me go.
I don't wanna do it.
Axl has a friend here.
They might need me.
Hang on.
Isn't Sue still being punished for the quarry party? I don't know.
How long did we say? I don't remember either.
But, hey, we're desperate, it's worth a shot.
Hey, Sue! Get in here! - So you're still being punished - I know, I know.
I was reckless and irresponsible and I only hope that one day Okay, okay, we don't have to relive it.
As part of your punishment, you're gonna drive your brother to the "Planet Nowhere" convention tomorrow in Indy.
Wow.
That's harsh.
But you know what? I deserve it.
You bet you do.
Wow.
That worked out well.
How much longer do you think we've got? I don't know.
I say we ride this pony till it drops.
- Hello? - Mike, it's Tag.
- Oh, I'll get Frankie.
- No, no, no, I wanna talk to you.
Okay, here's the deal.
I need you to meet me at Stuckey's in two hours.
Now don't tell Frankie.
Can't talk anymore.
Pat's comin'.
Wha Oh, hey, uh, Axl said it'd be okay if I grabbed some chips.
Sure.
All we have left is barbecue, 'cause I 'cause everybody eats 'em so fast.
I'll I'll get 'em for you.
- Here, let me help.
- Oh.
- Got 'em.
- Good.
Oh, before you go, let me give you guys your laundry.
Oh, thanks again.
You saved me, like, 8 bucks in quarters, and, you know, those are hard to come by, so that's more like 12 bucks in real money.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I noticed you have an Alt-J T-shirt.
I love that band.
I saw 'em on Conan.
Yeah, I like 'em 'cause they play real music.
Everybody's so auto-tuned these days.
I can't stand that stuff.
- I like the sound of real instruments.
- I know, right? I mean, if you're auto-tuned, it's like anybody could be a rock star.
I could be a rock star.
Well, maybe in Europe.
You know, if you like the sound of Alt-J, you should check out the national.
Here's their latest album.
Yep, ooh, looks good.
I like to listen to 'em when I'm studying.
It helps me sort of Finn! You don't have to talk to her! Well, thanks again for the chips.
- Holler if you need dip! - Okay.
I wish I could get some onion rings, but I don't eat 'em anymore.
I never can wait for 'em to cool and they burn my mouth.
Ah, what the hell? This time will be different.
Yeah.
So, Tag, this isn't another "we should get together every week" thing, is it? No, no, this is a one-and-done.
I like the done part, what do you need? Well, here's the deal, Mike.
It looks like I'm about to lose my driver's license.
Ohh.
Tag, what'd you do? Nothing big.
Everybody's alive, but the bastards want me to retake my driver's test.
Oh, I'm with the bastards on this one.
What did Pat say? Oh, she doesn't know.
Don't tell her.
I mean, I'm like a God to her.
Yeah.
Well, okay, whatever gets this done.
All right, uh, "how many feet do you have to signal ahead of turning? 50, 75, or 100?" Fif Sev - 100.
- Right.
Ha! We got that one locked.
"When you see a pedestrian using a white and red-tipped cane, they are usually " A gay.
What? What do they want to be called these days? It's a blind person.
Blind and gay? It's gotta be tough.
Wow, it's late.
Can't believe Finn and Axl are just now going to the party.
Oh, this was funny.
When they were leaving, I said, "have fun and be careful.
" And Finn goes, "which one is it?" Yeah.
- We laughed.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, what? Why are you ummin' and hummin'? I'm just sayin'.
Been hearing a lot of Finn stories lately.
You doin' a little flirtin' there? What? Uh, he's a child! God.
Jeez.
Wow! I think that's one too many.
Okay, it's not flirting.
We just have stuff in common.
We're two people who are interested in the same things.
If anybody's flirting, it's you with cute waitresses when we go to restaurants.
"Hi, Amy.
Got any specials today?" Like you've ever ordered the special in your life! I just like to have all the information - before I order.
- Oh, please.
The way you lock in on 'em, I haven't gotten that much eye contact in our whole marriage as when you're waitin' to hear about eggs.
Hey, don't try to turn this on me.
You're the one "oggling" your son's friend.
I'm not, and it's ogling.
Yeah, well, you would know.
You're the one doin' it.
The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left.
I am trying to concentrate.
Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Sorry.
Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape? Please.
But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser.
Pernovian laser.
- Is that you? - Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape.
I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
As professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest Wow, a deejay on a pontoon boat? That sounds fun.
Ohh! We don't have any cereal! There's four boxes there.
Yeah, none of which have marshmallows.
Looks like it's Denny's to the rescue.
Oh! I could destroy some Denny's right now.
Oh, you guys are goin' out? Okay.
Oh Way to go, mom, you parked behind me.
You gotta move.
Oh, my shoes are all the way in my room.
Here, take my car.
Hey, nice catch, Finn.
Shut up.
New wrinkle, Mike Big government's making me take a road test, too.
So you gotta practice with me behind the wheel.
With you behind the wheel? Yeah.
You know, grade me.
Put my through my paces on the road.
As I told my German masseuse at the Y, "don't go easy on me.
" Uh, no, just pretty much stayed around here all weekend.
Axl brought a friend home.
Oh, my God, Janet, you should see this guy.
I should be arrested for what I'm thinking.
Oh, my God.
The Bluetooth.
Hey.
Ooh! The Sacred Key of Larkin! That's what I wanna get.
They only did a limited release of 5,000.
Luckily, I brought my birthday money.
Hey, Brick, we can't be here all day.
I gotta get back to Orson.
I'm pretty sure everyone's meeting at the mall later.
Or at Arby's.
But there are definitely maybe plans.
Let's just get your key and get out of here.
You can't just walk up and get the Sacred Key of Larkin.
Whatever, Brick.
I'm sure it's not that complicated.
First, you have to get three tokens by traversing the valley of despair, - which is in convention hall "C".
- Okay.
The tokens earn you the opportunity to answer the five questions of the mystic, who will bestow upon you the Pin of Greywhackle.
You travel with the pin to the Oracle of Singal.
If the Oracle deems you worthy, you're allowed an audience with the princess.
Then, and only then, will the princess exchange the Pin of Greywhackle for the Sacred Key of Larkin.
Assuming you have the $29.
99, which I do.
What? Brick, that is gonna take forever.
Well, you can't rush a quest.
Did I tell you they moved our garbage day? I mean, for years, it's been on Thursday.
Now they just up and move it to Friday? Who puts their trash out on Friday? Okay, you just cut off a school bus.
Hey, Frankie.
Quick question.
Uh, I just gotta ask you one thing.
If I'm right outside the car on my cell phone, does the Bluetooth definitely pick it up inside the car? It should, yeah.
Well, like, how close? 6 feet? - Probably.
- Probably or definitely? Which is it? Don't ask why.
It's important.
- I-I don't know, Frankie.
- Oh, God.
You know, you're useless.
Okay, forget it.
I gotta figure this out.
You have chosen to enter the Valley of Despair.
Only the most brave, clever, and true of heart shall avoid certain death.
I did that wrong.
I'm very sorry.
All right, um which hand holds the jelly bean? You are correct.
You have avoided certain death and you may now exchange it for A token.
Okay, Brick, you got it.
Let's go.
I can't.
I need two more tokens.
You have chosen to enter the Valley of Despair! Only the most brave, clever Will avoid certain death.
Hey! Sorry.
Why you stopping? The light's green.
I can't see colors too good anymore, but I figured it out.
I stop at every light, count to five And then go.
3 2 1.
What are you doin'? It's red now! Are you crazy?! And now for your fifth and final question.
When Soran traveled to the outer rings with Ramale, how did he reveal he had switched allegiance from the Vernegos to the Silligans? He showed him the mark of some rock on his left thigh.
- That is correct.
- What? I got it right? I heard it on the tape in the car.
This is the Pin of Greywhackle Hi, Frankie! What are you measuring? Oh, I'm getting a new mailbox.
Oh, great! Who's your contractor? We have a fantastic carpenter who did our gazebo.
I can give you his number.
- Is there something that you might - Okay, okay, we're not getting a mailbox.
It's a little personal.
I may have done something stupid.
Axl brought a cute friend home from school and he may have overheard me say I should be arrested for what I was thinking about him.
- Oh, Frankie.
- I know! I'm so embarrassed! I mean, it was just a stupid thing that I said.
I mean, okay, yeah, I was flirting with him a little bit.
But it didn't mean anything.
I would never have gone there.
It's just that we had this connection.
You know, we talked about music, and he thought I was funny.
And you know what? Mike flirts with waitresses.
You get him in a diner, - and all of a sudden, he's George Clooney.
- Frankie, it's okay to notice if someone is nice or attractive.
When Dottie's guitar teacher comes over, I might sneak an extra peek or two.
I mean, with his ponytail and the way he comes in the house and kicks off his shoes, he just seems so Dangerous.
Okay, so, if if Sean happened to overhear you say something about Dottie's guitar teacher, wouldn't be so bad, right? Oh, no.
I'd be mortified.
Pretty much where I am now.
Oh, Frankie.
Oh.
I used to get my hair cut around here someplace.
Snippers.
Ah, there it is over there.
I Oh, sorry.
I didn't see you.
What do you mean, you didn't see me? - Can you see me now? - Nope.
Now can you see me? Negative.
There ya are! Tag, you have no peripheral vision.
No, I don't see out of the sides too good anymore.
But I got a system for that, too.
Here, watch me take a left.
All right, that's it! Pull over.
We are here to claim our Sacred Key.
Mm, sorry, we're closing for the day.
Princess Kalakare's sitter has to go home at 6:00.
- What? - No! So this is how my quest ends, just steps away from Princess Kalakare.
Why did I think my fate would be any different than Gackos the Tatossian? No! This is my brother, and you have to let him pass.
We drove all the way from Orson to get here.
He has read every "Planet Nowhere" book three times! So? So has everyone here.
Look, "Planet Nowhere" is about inclusiveness and perseverance.
Wherever "Planet Nowhere" lies, it'll always be home.
And that's why all these people come here! To be home! And to follow a quest as important as that, you cannot be denied.
That's not what it is about at all.
It really isn't.
Wait a minute.
- It's as plain as the nose on your face.
- What? In book four, when Ramale met the oracle, he gave him his nose as proof of his allegiance.
Here.
Take this nose as a gesture of my sincerity.
I expect nothing in return.
You have five minutes.
Yeah! Congratulations.
You have made it to the seventh moon.
I have your Sacred Key of Larkin.
Cash or credit card? All right, Tag.
That's it.
You're done.
Yeah, you're right.
We should probably start fresh again tomorrow morning.
No, Tag, I mean, you're done done with driving.
What? No, no, I gotta have my license, Mike.
I've been driving since I'm 14.
I drove a transport supply truck in the war, for God's sake.
Yeah, and America thanks you.
But if you really want to serve this country now, you'll stay off its roads.
Come on, Mike.
This is my life we're talkin' about here.
My freedom.
How could I give that up? Look, Tag, I know it's not easy to hear, but You gotta trust me, this is the right decision.
Tag, you asked me to help you out.
I'm helpin' you out.
All right.
I got a podiatrist appointment on Tuesday, and Pat's got water aerobics.
Wanna me up around 9:00? I am in serious crap right now, Janet.
I need to know what you heard before I hung up on you.
What? I am not a cougar.
Stop laughing! This isn't funny.
- Uh, hey, I'll be there in a sec.
- All right, cool.
What are you doin'? Nothin'.
I was just at my computer when I fell to the floor.
You know how I do that sometimes.
Yeah, that does sound like you.
Yeah, pretty embarrassing.
Probably the most embarrassing thing I've done all day.
Right? I don't know.
That could be a million things.
Look, we're about to go, and I should probably talk to you about what happened in the car.
Oh, God! You heard? I have been tortured by that all day.
It doesn't mean anything.
I would never do anything like that.
Yes, your friend is cute, but I am very happy with your dad.
Look, when I said I should be arrested for what I was thinking about Finn, I was just joking! Ew! Ew! Ew! Stop talking.
No, let me explain.
I was talking to your aunt Janet.
She and I have a ribald relationship and we say ribald things, that's all.
Okay, first of all, gross.
Second of all, barf.
Third of all, I wanna rip my ears off and throw 'em back in the past before I ever heard you say that! Hey, I wasn't the only one.
He was talkin' to me, too.
Your dad flirts with waitresses.
Oh, my God! Get over yourself! Finn's been old lady bait for years.
He'll stop and have a conversation with anybody.
He's just that kind of guy.
The lunch lady gives him extra tater tots.
Oh.
Anyway, uh, what I was gonna say was, I spilled a chocolate milkshake in your car.
See? Oh, yeah, I could still wear these.
Your floor mats took the worst of it.
All right.
We're gonna go.
Um Wow, mom.
Just Wow.
So just like that, I went from being a flirty, music-lovin' hip thing to a lunch lady, all in one weekend.
Maybe I'll take a stroll by the bank where that old security guard always hits on me.
At least she thinks I'm hot.
Oh, my God.
Did you see the guy dressed as Professor Faxon's robot? He had on working lights! I wonder if he had to plug in during lunch.
Hmm.
Hey, you're being kind of quiet.
Are you thinking about your key? Yeah, sorta.
But I don't get it.
Didn't you have fun today? It was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
So what's the problem? It's you.
Me? Yeah.
Sue, today was amazing.
I know you were forced to take me, but still, we hung out together, you talked to me.
I mean, you understand "Planet Nowhere" now.
I feel like someone in this family finally gets me, and it's right when you're about to leave for college.
Aw, Brick! What's it gonna be like when you're gone? Hey, I am gonna miss you tons.
But you know what? You'll come visit me at college.
I know Axl has the whole "no relatives" policy at his place, but mine is gonna be the opposite.
You have to visit me.
Really? Does a Silligan need iron oxide to survive? And with the Vernegos' triumph and the planet orbiting towards a new moon, Princess Kalakare bade goodbye to her home world, knowing not only would her loved ones miss her, but the entire planet as well, and they would all look forward to her return.