Frasier s06e17 Episode Script

You know, Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party.
You care to co-host? What a lovely idea.
What's the occasion? Actually, I got the idea last night when we bumped into Gene and Hollis Ashby at the symphony.
I want to get to know them better.
Me too.
They're such a charming couple.
They remind me of Maris and me when we were happy.
Really? I must have been sick that day.
- Oh, well, Roz.
- Thank you.
- Is that your dry cleaning? - No, it's Daphne's.
Alice spit up on her dress so I had to have it dry-cleaned for her.
I also had to buy her a new pair of shoes and detail her car.
I've never seen a kid so sick.
Hey, Roz.
You look gorgeous.
Thanks.
How much time do we have? - Twenty minutes.
I better get changed.
- Where are you going? Daphne has friends at the British Consulate.
They're having a big reception and she got us invitations.
Who knows? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a lady.
I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.
Well, let's pick a date for our party.
You've got your book? Let's see.
- The first is no good.
- No, wine club.
- Nor the second.
- Library fund-raiser.
- The third, no.
- Fourth, fifth or sixth? No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
- Oh, what about the 11th? - No, concert tickets.
- Oh, really? I don't have that marked.
- Yes, I'm taking a date.
Well, isn't that nice? The 11th, "Expect desperate, last-minute call from F.
" - Anything the next week? - No.
No.
- I've got the 19th.
- I've got the 19th.
- The 19th it is then.
- Huzzah! - Hey, boys.
What's up? - Hey, Dad.
Well, actually, after an unusually protracted game of duelling date books, Niles and I have set upon a mutually acceptable evening for an intime soiree.
We're having a dinner party.
Oh, sounds good.
Any night but the 19th.
Well, what's wrong with the 19th? My poker game's here that night.
- Can't you reschedule it? - No.
It's always the third Saturday of the month, and everybody shows.
You know, Jimmy once postponed his daughter's wedding just so that he could be here.
And if you ever saw his daughter, you'd know how risky that was.
Gee, Dad, you know, we wouldn't ask if there were any other date that worked.
Do you really expect me to just give up my game just so that you can have one of your intime soirees? I knew he knew what that meant.
Dad, please, couldn't you at least make a few calls? Look, I'll tell you what.
If you can change the day, I'll cover your losses that night.
Well, all right, I'll try.
But, you know, these guys lead pretty busy lives.
I can't always get in touch with them.
Yes, let's hope that dog track has a PA system.
All right, Niles, back to our party.
Now, have you got any thoughts on a caterer? Well, Cornell Evans.
I mean, he's pricey, but he's the best.
- Oh, let's book him.
- Oh, marvellous! Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, I didn't know you were on the line.
- Oh, my.
- My goodness.
Well, we're off to the ball.
Don't wait up for us.
Oh, Daphne, wait, wait, wait.
There's something on the back of your dress.
Oh, my God! It looks like bleach or something.
The dry cleaner must have done it.
- I saw it.
It's nothing.
- You saw it? - Don't worry.
It's hardly noticeable.
- Dr.
Crane noticed it.
- Because he's always looking at your - Roz.
- Well, I can't go now.
- Why not? This is the only formal dress I've got.
Wait.
I've got the rest of my dry cleaning in the car.
I bet I have something you can wear.
I'll be right back.
You know, Daphne, I bet I would be able to get that out for you.
No, the cleaner spoiled it.
He can damn well fix it.
- Well, it would probably just take - Niles.
Yes, may I speak to Cornell, please? Yes, of course, I'll hold.
I mean it.
If I just had a toothbrush and a jeweller's loupe Niles! How long is he gonna keep me on hold? Oh, hey, Roz, did you find any kind of thing that? Can't talk right now.
Hello, Cornell? Yes, Frasier Crane here.
Listen, I'm hoping that you're not booked on the 19th.
Oh, Lord.
Yes, of course, I understand.
Yeah, same to you.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Damn.
Wouldn't you know it? The only date he's got free is the 11th.
Damn those concert tickets.
Oh, you know who might be available? Tyler Wilkins.
- Doesn't he work with Cornell? - Oh, dear God, no.
Mortal enemies.
They were catering a seafood banquet when Cornell flew into a rage because Tyler had ordered mahi-mahi instead of ahi.
Of course, Tyler blamed it on Cornell's stutter, and they haven't spoken since.
Tyler? Niles Crane.
Yes, I was wondering if you were available on the 19th.
Wonderful.
Dinner for ten.
That's great.
I'll call you later on, we'll discuss the menu.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
That is wonderful.
All right.
We've got you, me, and the fabulous Ashbys.
That leaves six chairs to fill.
We have to have the Berkins.
That's a no-brainer.
Technically, that's two no-brainers.
Forget the Berkins.
- Who else? - Well, wait a minute.
You can't just steamroll over me.
I want the Berkins.
- Well, I don't.
- Well, I do.
All right, all right.
We'll each have the right to blackball, let's say, three guests.
That way we'll each get an equal voice.
- That's fair enough.
- All right.
There's three for you.
And three for me.
And just to get the blackball rolling.
Bye-bye, Berkins.
All right.
What about John and Carol Peterson? - Everyone loves them.
- Not everyone.
Blackball! - Why? - No, no, no.
We never question the blackball.
We just bow to its will.
Fine.
Nina and Arch Duncan.
The drunken Duncans? Have you lost your? Wait a minute.
You loathe the Duncans.
You want me to waste a blackball.
- That's insane.
I adore the Duncans.
- Really? Well, then perhaps I've misjudged them.
Very well, Niles.
The Duncans it is.
- Nina and Arch - Oh, stop it.
They're hideous.
Blackball.
- What about the Wolperts? - Oh, I like the Wolperts.
Finally.
Oh, the Gordons? I love the Gordons.
Now we're rolling.
- How about the DeFalcos? - Blackball.
She is a twit.
- How about the Whitneys? - Oh, blackball.
He's a dolt.
- Cromwells? - Blackball.
Look, if you're going to Wait a minute.
You're out of blackball This is a dried-up old fig.
So is Missy Cromwell.
I don't want her at my party.
I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.
The Cromwells are in.
The guest list is complete.
Now, let's start calling everyone.
Yes, beginning with our guests of honour, the Ashbys.
- Oh, yes.
- All right, here.
Hello, Hollis.
Frasier Crane calling.
Listen, Niles and I are planning on having a dinner party on the 19th They're leaving for Africa on the 19th.
Oh, gee, that's a shame.
We were sort of building the evening around you.
They've got the 11th free.
- No good.
We've got that concert.
- I didn't ask you to that.
The 11th should be just fine.
Oh, no, no, they've got a conflict.
Oh, well, that's no problem.
They were our very next call.
We absolutely adore the Duncans.
All right, see you then.
Not the drunken Duncans.
Sorry, they have plans with the Ashbys on the 11th so they're invited too.
Fine.
I want my blackball back.
- The blackball, once dropped, can't - Oh, shut up.
Anyway, the Ashbys are worth it.
You know what? And there's an additional plus.
Since we're changing our plans for the 11th, Cornell can cater.
Quick.
You call Cornell.
I'll call Tyler and tell him we're cancelling.
Tyler? It's Niles Crane again.
Yes, listen, it turns out we're not gonna need you on the 19th after all.
- Yes, Cornell, please.
- No, we're not going to someone else.
Cornell? What gave you that idea? Cornell, please.
Frasier Crane again.
Thank you.
Listen, we've changed our party plans, and it turns out that we'd rather have it on the 11th.
We're cancelling the party entirely.
No, no, there's no reason to be upset Which is which? This one's mine.
This one's mine.
I can smell my cologne.
- Hello, Cornell.
- Tyler, of course, you're who we want.
Yes, as I was saying, we were just about to change the - Hello, Tyler - Cornell.
- You're gonna laugh when you hear - It's the funniest thing - Hello? - Hello? Well, thanks to your keen sense of smell, we've lost both caterers.
I suppose we can always get Kiki Price.
- Is she still in business? - Yeah, they dropped the charges.
I'll call her after I get in touch with the Duncans.
My God, I hope I can catch them before happy hour.
Hello, Nina? Too late.
It's Frasier Crane calling.
Niles and I are having the Ashbys over and a few other people for a dinner, and we were hoping that you could join us on the 11th.
Don't cry, Nina, please.
Yeah, well, I've always loved you too.
What? Joaquim? Joaquim is coming in from Argentina.
- You'd like him to join us.
Well - Joaquim? Joaquim Juarez.
He's the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic.
Right, they were down there.
They must have met him.
We would love to have Joaquim join us.
Oh, that's splendid.
All right, then we'll just see you on the 11th.
The 11th.
Take two swizzle sticks, stand them up side-by-side.
Eleven.
That's right.
Bye-bye.
- We've got Joaquim! - Well, don't cry for me, Arch and Nina.
All right, let's see.
We've got the Duncans and Joaquim.
And that means we're going to have to cut out two couples.
All right, well, the Cromwells and - The Gordons.
- The Gordons.
All right, that leaves us short by one.
We're going to need a single female.
Oh, Roz, perfect timing.
- What's up? - We're having a dinner party.
We need an interesting single woman.
Do you know anybody? We're desperate.
Excuse me? Naturally, we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really your kind of crowd.
What, sophisticated? Cultured? Is that why you think I won't fit in with your snooty A-list friends? - I'm not genteel enough? - Oh, now, Roz Now, Roz, my ass.
I'm just as refined as you are.
Shut up, Niles.
Roz, please.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
I got everyone to change.
We're gonna have it on the 11th.
- The 11th? - Yeah, and it wasn't easy either.
Mel had to reschedule his polyp surgery.
Well, Dad, you are really gonna laugh at this.
Frasier and I rescheduled our dinner party for the 11th.
I'm not changing it back.
I'm not.
And, Dad, I would never even consider asking you to do such a thing.
Tell you what, there's no reason why we can't hold both parties simultaneously.
The apartment is certainly big enough.
I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work.
What, Dad? I'm serious.
No, no, we can share the buffet table.
We can even have the harpist learn Bobby Darin tunes for your crowd.
I can stand it if you can.
Of course, we will have to dim the lights at one point.
You see, Nina Duncan always insists on sharing her extensive collection of slides from the summer she danced "Agamemnon" at Jacob's Pillow.
All right! I'll change it.
Call Kiki and the Wolperts.
- I'll talk to Roz.
- I'm on it.
Come on, just pick something.
Pick what? This one isn't dressy enough.
This one doesn't fit, and this one Well, it's hardly appropriate for a posh cocktail reception.
Excuse me.
Roz, listen, I just came to apologise.
- Whatever.
- What happened? He said I wasn't classy enough to come to his dinner party.
- Roz, you know I didn't mean that.
- Oh, get in line.
I've lived here for six years.
Only time I'm asked to that table is when I'm holding a freaking serving spoon.
It's just a silly dinner party.
What's everybody getting upset about? Oh, let's just go.
I suppose this colour might look nice on me after all.
Excuse me.
I left messages for Kiki and the Wolperts.
Could you two please leave so Daphne can change? Daphne, you're not going out in that, are you? That's it.
I'm staying home.
No, just try it.
We can accessorise it.
With what? A lamppost and a public defender? Good Lord, was that the answering machine? Hi, it's Allison Wolpert and yes, count us in for the 11th.
Looking forward to it.
Bye.
That's wonderful.
I so enjoy the Wolperts.
- Yes.
- Who was that? We just got invited to a dinner party at Dr.
Crane's.
- Which Dr.
Crane? - Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one.
Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little - Is that thing off the hook? - What? Oh, my God.
What do you suppose she meant by that? Obviously, she thinks we're always together, that we're some sort of couple.
That's ridiculous.
We spend lots of time apart.
Besides, who is she to talk? Look at her and Harry.
- They go everywhere together.
- They're married, Niles.
Still, it's no reason for her to call us odd.
Well, wait.
She never called us odd.
Listen.
Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one.
Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little - Is that thing off the hook? - See? She never said odd.
We're getting upset over nothing.
Nothing? Is there a good end to that sentence? "Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little" what? Charming? Now, you really Stop overreacting.
Well, perhaps she has a point.
Ever since your divorce, you've become more and more attached to me.
Maybe that's why she said what she said.
- What? - You get Frasier, you get that Niles.
She didn't say that.
She said, "You get the one, you get that other one.
" What makes you think you're the one and I'm the other one? Because I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one! I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one.
- That's ridiculous! - It's not! - Absolutely no foundation of truth! - No, I knew! All right, wait, wait.
This is absurd.
Why don't we just call Allison up, ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.
Better yet, we both get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there ourselves, and ask her what's so strange about us? Hello? Yes, hello, Nina.
Right.
What can I do for you? No, no, dear, you called me.
Oh, yes, Joaquim can only eat certain foods.
Yes, of course, we'll be glad to accommodate him.
How exotic.
Let's see.
All right.
Rice.
Beans.
Jerked beef.
Any particular reason? I see.
Interesting.
Okay.
Bye.
Why is Joaquim on such a strict diet? Because the Joaquim they're bringing to dinner is their foster child from a tiny village on the Pampas.
He speaks no English, and he gets nauseated when he eats American food.
So he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic? Oh, you are so that other one! All right, fine.
Where are we gonna find someone to babysit a 9-year-old child? Quit your blubbering and just pick something, damn it! Roz? - Now what? - You were right.
You know, you would be a welcome addition to any party.
Oh, you don't have to say that.
No, no, no, honestly, Niles and I want you to join us for dinner.
- You mean it? - Yes.
We're having someone who might make a dinner companion for you.
He's not some stuffy old coot, is he? - No, no.
Young.
- No.
Yes, very young.
Okay, thanks.
- All right, we've got our ten.
- All right, let's see.
Not exactly my wish list, but at least we've got the Ashbys.
Yes, and Allison Wolpert can say what she wants.
Why should we care what anybody else thinks? - Am I right? - Absolutely.
Dad, do you think we're odd? No, you're not odd.
You're just special.
Your mother told me that when you were kids, and I still believe it.
Yes, but do you think we spend too much time together? What kind of questions are these? You're close.
Lots of brothers are close.
Yes, I suppose you're right about that.
Yes, I mean, the Gershwins, the Wright Brothers.
I told you we're getting upset over nothing.
Then there were the Collyer brothers.
- The Collyer brothers? - Oh, yeah, a couple of nutsos, shared an apartment in New York their whole lives.
They even built a maze out of newspapers in there that only they knew how to get through.
Then it collapsed on one of them, and the other one just sat there with the dead body until the neighbours complained about the smell.
Pretty crazy story, huh? You recycle, right, Niles? You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea if we went our own ways a bit more.
Well, it's possible we have grown a tad dependent on one another.
Perhaps this is just the warning we need.
Today, we're planning a dinner party.
Tomorrow, we're wearing matching pyjamas and washing each other's hair.
Let's face it, Niles, we are one stone's throw away from becoming the neighbourhood kooks, right down to the local children ringing our doorbell and running away.
Now, Frasier, you are letting your imagination get the better of you.
Come on, let's go make a seating chart.
You always know how to cheer me up.
- Oh, hello, Daphne.
- Daphne Isn't that Roz's dress? Yes, it was really the only thing that looked good on me.
Come on, Roz, we don't want to be late.
Doesn't she look beautiful? Oh, shove it, Daphne.
I know you think I look like a hooker.
No! No, Roz, I said it made me look like a hooker.
On you, it Well, it works.
Hello? Yes, yes.
Oh, Lord, well, I'm so sorry you can't make it.
No, no, that's all right.
Yes, some other time.
Goodbye.
Oh, please, not the Ashbys.
Family emergency.
Apparently, so urgent they didn't even have time to think up a plausible excuse.
- So where does that leave us? - Well, let's see.
We have a third-rate caterer with a record, two lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz.
Dinner is served.
I still have one blackball left.
I don't think it'll make any difference.
It will to me.
I'm using it on myself.
- No.
- Blackball! No, no, you cannot self-blackball.
You're gonna go to that party or you'll go over my dead body.
You just give me that now! God, we are the Collyer brothers.
You know, why don't we just face the inevitable? Let's just cancel the whole damn thing.
Of course, cancelling a party people will think it's strange.
Frankly, I'm sick and tired of giving a damn about what other people think.
Most of them are one marble away from not being here in the first place.
You're right.
So we spend a lot of time together.
So what? I enjoy it.
So do I, Niles.
You know, we can make those calls tomorrow and cancel.
I'm famished.
Why don't we just head over to Campagne for dinner? My treat.
You're on.
Unless you think it's too odd to have dinner together.
I don't think we're in any danger of that.
If our relationship became truly odd, I think we're both intelligent enough to recognise the signs.
- I think I'll pass on dinner.
- Okay, good night.
- I'll see you soon.
- Good night.