Roseanne s06e17 Episode Script

Oh, my god.
What are these for? Oh, they just hook them up and try to figure out Which one of your nipples is negative and which one is positive.
Okay, how we doing? Okay.
Good, I hope.
Well, we'll take your first baby picture, If you just lay back here and lift up your blouse for me.
Wow, just like your prom picture.
Oh, it tickles.
It's gonna burn like hell in a minute.
Just kidding.
Ew, look at your belly button.
Ew, it's so weird.
What happened? It's all Would you like to see a picture of your baby, miss harris? My baby? Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't it? [Roseanne.]
looks just like you.
[Jackie.]
it's waving at me.
I've had three of these, Jackie.
It's not waving at you.
It's waving at me.
It is beautiful.
Look at the little feet! And the spine, and what's on its head? Looks like it's Looks like it's wearing a little cap.
Oh, that's what happened to the condom.
[man, on tv.]
Give me the remote.
I'm not watching this.
This is a commercial.
You don't even know what i'm watching.
I know it's something i'll hate.
Not necessarily.
What is it? Figure skating.
Come on.
It's the finals.
You know, big brothers are supposed to look out for their kid brothers.
And, like, help them and do stuff with them.
Well, i'd have done stuff with you, But you don't like to do guy stuff.
I like to do guy stuff.
Who says drawing isn't something guys do? Guys.
I'm just as much of a man as you are.
Then how come the only friend you ever had was a girl? Hey, Darlene was a lot more like a guy when I first met her.
D.
J.
, who would you rather have for a big brother, me or Mark? You.
See? 'cause you can't beat me up like Becky and Darlene can.
Hey, that's the last one.
Want it back? No, it's okay.
Are those the x-ray pictures of aunt Jackie's baby? No, they're pictures of your dad.
He swallowed a doll.
I don't know why all my friends think you're the fun mom.
Get out of my way! D.
J.
, i'm sorry, it's just that I'm pregnant right now and i'm very upset-- What am I talking to you for? Get out of my way! Look at that, right now! Jackie, I know you've slept with a lot of men, But I don't need to know all their names.
That is a legal document.
Fred is suing me for custody of my baby! Oh, my god, you're kidding me.
No, it's all right there.
He wants my baby! It's not even born yet.
He-- He's suing me for custody of my stomach! Well, just calm down.
Sit down here.
We'll figure something out.
I've already thought about it.
I think i've come up with a plan That could really work.
First, we hire a hit man.
Jackie! Just hear me out.
Remember, we saw that woman on tv who hired that guy for $500.
And the reason she was on tv was because she got caught.
I gotta do something.
He doesn't care about this baby.
He's just doing this to punish me because I won't go out with him.
As far as i'm concerned, he's found a legal way to beat me up.
Listen, Jackie, i'm not gonna let this happen to you.
I'm gonna go, and i'll talk to him.
Because deep down inside, you and me both know That Fred is a decent guy.
A decent guy? A decent guy doesn't sue the mother of his child! There are no decent guys in this world! There never have been, there never will be.
That is not true.
There's Dan.
And Donahue.
Hey.
Look at the way they all scatter back to work when the boss walks in.
You know, Dan, I took your advice, And for the first time in months, I actually feel good about myself.
Yeah, it's a dandruff shampoo, but it keeps your hair manageable.
No, I mean about suing Jackie for custody.
What the hell are you talking about? I never told you that.
Oh, yes, you did.
Remember last week, when Roseanne was having that big fight with you, You were telling me how a man's gotta stand up for himself.
That was different.
I was sleeping on the couch.
I had nothing to lose! It made a lot of sense to me.
So I talked to a lawyer.
He said you're right to recommend suing.
Would you stop saying that? Dan, you got nothing to be ashamed of.
I'd be proud if it was my idea.
That's good.
We'll go with that.
Dan, i've tried everything else.
I don't want this kid to grow up not knowing me.
If it was your kid, wouldn't you do anything to be a part of their life? Well, not now.
But maybe before they were born.
So you're on my side.
No! But I understand your side.
I'm sure Jackie has a side too.
Hey, Dan.
Your wife's here.
And here it comes now.
I gotta get out of here.
I'm gonna sit this one out.
Dan? If she compliments my hair, Can I tell her you did recommend the dandruff shampoo? Fred? I want to talk to you now.
Alone.
I'm not through with my lunch yet.
Well, you are now.
Don't forget to brush.
Save your breath, Roseanne.
You're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.
Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.
Is Dan in his office? No, he's not.
We had a big crisis.
Dan had to rush out and take care of it.
Oh, yeah? What, did somebody forget the crullers again? Now, wait a minute.
You can't-- You wait a minute.
Fred, you cannot sue Jackie.
Before she went out with you, she went out with a whole bunch of really bad guys.
I'm sorry about that, Roseanne.
But why should I give a damn About her feelings if she doesn't even care about mine? You are not listening, okay? Her last boyfriend beat her up.
Oh, god.
And it's not so easy to bounce back from something like that.
You're not helping anything by suing her.
No.
I feel awful about this.
Well, yeah, I knew you would, Fred.
Now, listen.
All's you gotta do is drop the lawsuit, And then, you know, if you ask really nice, I'm sure that Jackie and i can be persuaded to share our baby with you.
I'm not dropping it, Roseanne.
So you'd do this to Jackie after what I just told you? I am not doing anything to Jackie.
I don't want to abandon my kid.
He deserves a father.
I told you before that i will figure out a way for you to see your kid! I'm way more powerful than any law! I'm tired of waiting for you to handle this, Roseanne.
From now on, I am fighting for my rights and my kid's rights.
Well, Dan and donahue walk alone.
Sorry, Roseanne.
No, you're not sorry! But you are gonna be, 'cause I can make your life a living hell.
You can't scare me out of this.
Well, maybe I can't, but Dan can.
Because Dan is the kind of man who automatically defends all women Because he knows how helpless and vulnerable we are.
And when he gets wind of the crap you're trying to pull on my family, There's not gonna be a safe place on this earth for you to hide.
Is that right, Dan? Well, in here's pretty safe.
David, can I talk to you for a minute? I'd go to Mark, but he'd just make fun of me.
Sure, Deej.
Okay.
Do you think it'd be weird if I took a home ec course? No, I think that's okay.
So you don't think it's wrong For a guy to learn how to cook and sew and stuff like that? Of course not.
Thanks.
Mark, you were right! David's a girl! Hey, I knew what you were doing.
[sighs.]
hey! "ah, hey" to you too.
Where have you been? You have to work late? Yeah, a little overtime.
And, gee, when I was pulling up, I noticed the chimney's got a big crack in it.
I gotta get to it right away.
Could take me all night.
Tape Gladiators for me, will you? Oh, um, Dan? Did you get a chance to talk to Fred today at all? Fred.
Fred Fred.
Fred No.
No, I haven't seen Fred all day.
[chuckles.]
he must be avoiding me or something.
Well, brace yourself here.
Fred is suing Jackie for custody of the baby.
What? Oh, man! Oh, man! You gotta be kiddin' me, right? Oh, man! And, Dan, I know it would be unfair to put you in the middle, So you'll be on my side.
Oh, right, like Fred would listen to me.
Like anything i've ever said has had any bearing on what Fred has ever done.
Now, Dan, don't tell me that you can't talk to him.
I made a promise to Jackie.
You are gonna have to decide whose happiness is more important to you: Fred's or yours! What do you expect me to do, Roseanne? I can't fire a city employee Because he's suing my sister-in-law.
Well, you could if he hijacked a city bus, And handcuffed himself to the wheel And drove it right off a cliff, couldn't you? This is between Fred and Jackie.
I'm not getting involved.
Well, you have to get involved.
Why? Because this will eventually drive you insane.
You can poke me till i'm black and blue.
I'm not changing my mind.
Stop poking me! I can't believe you don't like my sister more than this.
Why don't you just leave him alone, Mrs.
Conner? Shut up! This can be done with a steak knife too.
Don't blame Dan.
You should be mad at me.
It was really my idea for Fred to sue Jackie.
You mean it wasn't fred's idea? No, i'm just saying it wasn't dan's.
Dan's idea? Why would you say it wasn't dan's idea? It was your idea! This is why you don't talk very much.
How could you do something like this? Roseanne, me and you were having that big fight about Darlene.
I was mad at every woman.
Fred comes in.
Who knew he'd take me seriously? Okay, yeah.
But now, in the light of day, After all the other males on earth have decided that it's your turn to use the brain, You can see the error of your thinking, right? Roseanne, if you're gonna push me into a corner, i'll tell you exactly what I think.
I agree with Fred.
And you agree with Fred, too? Damn right.
Well, I mean, I agree with Dan.
The guy's got rights.
Okay, so Jackie has so far put in what, Eight months into this baby.
And Fred, he put in, what do you think, Three minutes? And i'm being very generous here! So you think that they're equal partners in the deal? Roseanne, the guy's tried everything.
He just wants To be a part of his child's life.
Maybe you have to be a man to understand where we're coming from.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, David.
Okay, now, I wanna ask you a question, okay? And I want you to give me a really honest answer.
I agree with you, Mrs.
Conner.
Wait a minute.
All right, David.
Now, a man and a woman who aren't married Are gonna have a baby.
And the mother doesn't want the father to have anything to do with it.
Now, does she have that right? Well, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, she is the mother.
She's the one that gave birth.
Okay.
Good answer, David.
He doesn't count.
We said you have to be a man to understand.
Unless, of course, the man wants rights.
I mean, then, I think the women should do what they're told.
We should have known, mom.
Men stick together no matter how buttheaded their argument is.
Well, Dan, I guess you're just not the man I thought you were.
And I wasn't too happy with that one! Well, men, Looks like we're on our own for dinner tonight.
All right.
But i'm not making anything fancy.
You done with the mustard? So, Mr.
Conner, Are you and Mrs.
Conner talking yet? Let me see.
We're in the bathroom this morning, She shoved me, I believe she said, "move," so technically, yeah, we're speaking.
Well, I don't care if Becky ever speaks to me again.
She's wrong.
Little something I think you oughta know.
Women live longer than men.
So in the end, they're never wrong.
I think if you just tell the women how you feel-- You'd be one of them.
There's nothing wrong with talking about your feelings.
Hey, look, it's the eighth dwarf, wimpy.
You don't buy this crap, do you, Mr.
Conner? Boys, let me tell you how I keep Roseanne happy.
You didn't think I was serious, did you? Well, Mark, I think you should tell Becky what you just said.
What? What did he say? Look, Becky.
Mark only took fred's side because he thinks he has to act tough.
But he's actually a lot more sensitive than you think.
Shut up, raggedy ann.
See what you mean, David.
No, it's hard for him to tell you this because it's the kind of thing Guys only admit to other guys.
But he's jealous.
Jealous? About what? I'm not jealous.
Don't worry.
Come on.
She won't think you're weak.
Yeah, he's jealous.
All guys are jealous.
Because we can't have babies.
We all really want to.
No, David, not that.
Not the biggest secret of all! Oh, that makes so much sense.
You really said that? Yeah, well, those weren't my exact words.
Why don't you talk to me about these things? I'd understand.
Wanna talk now? Sure.
So, uh, who's the wimp now? I don't know.
Let's trade punches and see.
I hate you.
Hi, Roseanne.
Oh, you.
Out of my diner.
I changed my mind.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.
Really? I thought about what you said.
I still think i'm right, but I don't wanna put Jackie through this.
Oh.
Well, took you long enough.
I knew you'd be pleased.
What the hell's he doing here? He came here to do evil, But he was drawn into my circle of love.
He's gonna drop the lawsuit.
I'll drop it If you're willing to be reasonable and at least let me see the baby some.
Jackie, this is where you say thank you.
Why the hell should I thank him? No, thank me.
I'm the one that pulled the whole thing off.
You don't see what he's doing, Roseanne? What? What am I doing? You're dropping it so i'll think you're a really great guy And agree to go out with you again.
When are you gonna accept the fact That I don't want anything to do with you? When are you gonna accept the fact That I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just want to see my kid once in a while.
Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time.
And who do you see when you're seeing the baby? Me.
And you end up attached to my life.
It's so obvious.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
Um, when Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you too, right? So everything on earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Yes.
You better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
Listen, Jackie, try and get this, okay? I don't want you.
I don't want anything to do with you.
I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last pregnant woman on earth.
Oh.
See you in court.
Let the jerk go.
He's not a jerk.
Okay? Now, look, I know you've had bad relationships, And you've been hurt a lot and everything, but get a grip! I am completely gripped! He's trying to do something decent, and you treat him like crap.
Oh, well, now I see what's going on.
I'm not getting together with Fred.
No, I know you're not getting together with Fred.
Fred is gone for good.
But if you don't snap out of this man-hating stuff of yours, You're gonna be old and alone and thinking you can stay with me.
I can't believe you're saying this to me! You don't know what I went through.
You think you can just say, "snap out of it," And poof, i'm over it? No! They're not all like Fisher, okay? They're not all like dad! I'll make my own decisions.
If you can't back me up, Then screw you! No, screw you.
Now I have to go home and get into a big fight with Dan over nothing Because you're so totally wrong, so screw you double.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Shut up! Am I still mad? Well, Roseanne, I guess you did have kind of a point About me having problems with men.
And you are my sister, and you do love me.
So, yeah, i'm still mad.
All right, i'll talk to you tomorrow.
[both laughing.]
So we made love twice in the last nine months.
I think we're on a roll.
I forgot how nice it could be.
I hope this time I don't throw up for the next four months.
So how come you didn't tell Roseanne that what she said got us together? Oh, 'cause me and Dan have a bet to see who can make Roseanne apologize the most.
That's just mean.
I like this family.
Now I know what I was doing wrong all those months.
I was being nice.
No, I like that you're nice.
I just finally decided not to let another one slip through my fingers.
Then how come after eight months of candy and flowers, I got nowhere until I sued you? You liked it when I played hardball.
No! I was angry and hurt and disgusted.
But then Dan explained it to me.
What do you mean? He told me that the only reason you were suing me for custody Was because you were jealous.
Jealous? Yeah.
That you can't have a baby.
I didn't know men felt like that.
We don't.
That's about the stupidest thing i've ever heard.
Dan said you'd say that.
Fred, I don't think you're weak.
Yeah, well You know, it was a really tough thing for me to admit.
And I think it's really good that you men talk about these things.
At least, with each other.
Did Dan tell you he cried when I told him? I don't wanna abandon my kid! He deserves a father! Blank.
You know, it's moments like this that bring us closer together as a cast.
I'm sorry.
Because Dan is the kind of man who comes to the defense Of all women because he knows how help [both laughing.]
Too many words! I know 'em, get lost.