Seinfeld s06e17 Episode Script

I was thinking about hair and that the weird thing about it is that people will touch other people's hair.
You will actually kiss another human being right on the head but if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull and go off on its own it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter.
The same hair.
People freak out, "There was a hair in the egg salad.
" Say it's Saturday night in Spain.
They go out dancing.
Think they do the flamenco? I would think.
So you could call a woman for a date ask her if she's free for dinner and a flamenco.
You don't flamenco on the first date.
I wish the flamenco was popular here.
- Yeah? Would you do it? - Yes, I think I would.
Well, I knew you had an affinity for it because it's the dance of a very proud people.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Nana.
What? Oh, all right.
Okay, don't worry about it.
Okay, I'll see you later.
All right, bye.
- I have to go over my grandmother's.
- What for? I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.
- So, what, no lunch? - No, we have time.
- How's she doing? - She's starting to slip a little.
She has trouble distinguishing between the past and the present.
There's gotta be an easier way to open ketchup.
They should make it in a tube.
- Like toothpaste? - Yeah.
- There's a squeeze ketchup.
- I've seen squeeze mustard.
- I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
- If they make squeeze mustard doesn't it stand to reason they make squeeze ketchup? Not necessarily.
Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.
- I don't see the difference.
- There's a difference.
- It's subtle.
- It's subtle? Hey, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us? Yeah, there she is.
What? She's with her friend Wendy.
Wendy? Is that the physical therapist? Yeah.
I'm on a kiss-hello program with her.
- Really? - Yeah.
Every time I see her I gotta kiss hello.
I did it once on her birthday.
Somehow it mushroomed.
Now I dread seeing her because of it.
- Hey.
- I'm down to one kiss hello.
- My aunt Celia.
- That's fortunate.
I really admire that.
Really? I never heard you say you admired me for anything.
No, I told you I admire your hearing.
Oh, don't slough that off.
You have great hearing.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Did you ever meet George? - Wendy.
- You're a physical therapist, right? - Yes.
You know, I got this little swelling right here.
It's kind of painful.
What do you make of that? - George - Have you tried heat and ice on it? Oh, that That really seems like a lot of trouble.
You could come by my office later.
I could work on it for you.
Oh, okay.
Let me give you my card.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, I'll see you guys later.
- Nice meeting you.
Bye.
- Bye, Wendy.
I'm sorry.
- Bye, Jerry.
- Bye.
- What did you do that for? - What? Ask about your arm.
I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
She's a physical therapist.
She doesn't wanna have to deal with that outside the office.
- Why not? - Because it is what she does.
I love these people.
You can't ask them questions.
They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office.
When huge sums of money are involved, the genius can be disturbed.
George, you got a little something right here.
- People think they're so important.
- I'm going on record right now.
That was my last kiss hello.
I am getting off the kiss program with her.
- Why? - Well, you know, frankly outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it.
I'm not thrilled with the handshaking either, but one step at a time.
- What are you getting? - And what's with that hairdo? Oh, yeah.
I know.
It's not very flattering.
I mean, she looks like something out of an old high school yearbook.
You should say something to her.
Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.
Yeah, Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.
- Yeah.
- Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
No.
If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.
What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.
Yes.
Yes, you're right.
That's right.
I'll bring her over to meet Kramer.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hello, boys and girls.
Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I need a picture of you, buddy.
- What for? - I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.
- Why? Everyone will know everybody's name.
People are gonna be a lot friendlier.
I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.
Imagine walking by someone on the floor and you say, "Hey, Carl" and he says, "Hey, Jerry.
" That's the kind of society I wanna live in.
Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk every time I go in the building.
I just wanna nod and be on my way.
You know, your eyeliner's smudged a little.
Why do you wear so much eye makeup? Yeah.
This is gonna work out just fine.
Ma, again with the ketchup? Don't they have them in the plastic squeeze containers? Jerry.
Hello.
Hello, Uncle Leo.
- What are you doing here? - Nana called me to open the bottle.
Yeah, me too.
- Hello, Jerry.
- Hi, Nana.
- Aren't you gonna kiss her hello? - Yes, yes, of course.
Well, here's the bottle.
- I'll do it.
- I got it.
- Give it to me.
- Stop it.
- Jerry, would you give me the bottle? - Uncle Leo.
All right.
Take it.
You should let Buddy open it.
Buddy? He lived next door to us - Leo, did you give Helen the $50? - What $50? Your father won $1000 at the track last week and he gave you 100 and you were supposed to give $50 to your sister.
Ma, Dad died in 1962.
Believe me, I don't owe your mother $50.
I'm not getting any hot water.
I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working.
- I'm gonna take care of it.
- Thanks, Julio.
All right.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, hey.
Hello.
- What's going on here? - Nothing, nothing.
- Well, then what are you doing? - I need a pen.
- What for? - Well, I'm making out my will.
Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy and you too.
I haven't forgotten you.
You're looking for a picture of me? You got that straight.
I told you, forget it.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
If everybody knew everybody we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world.
You don't rob somebody if you know their name.
You're robbing me.
I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.
- Are you going home? - Yeah.
Can you come back in about five minutes? Why? No reason.
Just wanna see you again.
- You sure Wendy's coming? - Yeah, she'll be here any second.
This will be an interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something.
- You wanna go through with this? - Listen, Jerry, she never dates and I know it's because of her hair.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday.
I had to help her open a ketchup bottle.
Hey, Mom, let me ask you a question.
Do you remember when you were a kid your father winning, like, $1000 at the track? Really? Did you know he gave Uncle Leo $100 and he was supposed to give you 50? How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is and she thinks this just happened.
Well, I think you should.
Okay.
Bye.
Do you know what the interest on that $50 comes to over 53 years? Oh, Morty, please.
$663.
45 and that's figuring conservatively at 5 percent interest over 53 years compounded quarterly.
- Or if you put it into a 10-year T-bill - Morty, will you stop it? Well, he's not getting away with this.
- Yeah? - It's Wendy.
Come on up.
- This is it.
Should I go get Kramer? - No, no.
He'll come in.
This is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.
What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face? It's the obligation.
You know, as soon as this person comes in you know you have to do this.
I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello then I think I could see the value in it a little better.
How about an intercourse hello? How would that be? Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
- That's her.
That's her.
- Wait, wait.
- What? - Okay, go, go, go.
- Hi, Wendy.
- Hi, Elaine.
- Hi, Wendy.
- Oh, hi, Jerry.
- Would you like something to drink? - Sure.
There you go.
Oh, look at that.
I'm almost out of Klondike bars.
So how's everything going? Oh, okay.
Your friend George came by the office the other day.
And then yesterday, he canceled on me.
Yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.
Oh, did you hear that? That must be Kramer.
Hey, Jerry.
- Come on.
That's not fair.
- I told you I was gonna get it.
- No, come on.
Give me the picture.
- No, no, no.
All right, fine.
Put my picture up.
What do I care? Kramer, Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
You know, I really like that hairdo.
Thank you.
I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.
- Oh, you were? - No, no.
You don't wanna do that.
- Nobody wears it like that.
- No, Kramer if she wants to change her hair - No.
You'd be a damn fool to change it.
- It's very becoming.
- Oh, well.
So who's that friend of yours, that guy who came in? - Oh, Kramer.
- Yeah.
Does he have a girlfriend? You wanna go out with him? Well, why not? Well, it's just that That I What, is there anything wrong with him? Elaine? No, I'm just thinking about the question.
You know, my arm feels a lot better.
That Wendy really knows her stuff.
- She is super.
- Yeah.
Same time tomorrow? Yeah, same time.
There you go.
Oh, you owe 150.
- What for? - Well, you canceled on Tuesday and our policy is 24 hours' notice for all cancellations.
Well, I couldn't come.
I had to drive my mother to the chiropodist.
- What's the problem? - I'm being charged for Tuesday.
I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
Well, I'm sorry.
That's our policy.
Oh, you have a policy.
The delicate genius has a policy.
So will you be here tomorrow? Well, it's less than 24 hours, so I guess I have to.
Hey.
So, what do you think? You like it? Oh, my God.
Look at that picture.
That's terrible.
You can't put that picture up.
Well, it's not a beauty contest.
It's just a way for people to get to know one another.
- Hi, Cosmo.
- Hey Steve.
Now, you see? Hey, Kramer.
My friend Wendy wants to go out with you.
Well, how do you do? Hello, Jerry.
Oh, hello Mary.
I've seen you so many times, and now we can finally talk to each other.
See, what was I telling you? Isn't this nice? Jerry, you know, could you help me with a package? - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
Oh, no.
You see, that's just what I need, more kissing.
What is so funny? Nothing.
Nothing.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Ma.
What? Oh, Ma, he didn't? He couldn't.
All right, I will.
Okay, bye.
Uncle Leo put Nana in a home.
- Why? - I don't know.
Maybe to keep her quiet.
Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Joan.
- How you doing? - Pretty good.
- Just pretty good? Not great? Okay, great.
- Are you happy? - Oh, I'm delighted.
- Okay.
Have a nice day.
- You too.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Louise.
Hey.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
- For what? - For putting my picture up on that wall.
I'm like Richard Dawson down there now.
Every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious conversation.
- I can't even get out of the building.
- You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation.
- Now you're part of a family.
- Family? - Yeah.
- You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on $50 he was supposed to give my mother in 1941 and my uncle put my Nana in a home to try and shut her up.
Another thing, Cosmo, Kramer, whatever you wanna be called the kissing thing is over.
There's no more kissing and I don't care what the consequences are.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Costanza.
We were trying to get in touch with you.
Wendy can't make her appointment.
- What do you mean? - She had some personal affairs she had to attend to.
I left a message on your machine.
You didn't get it? - When did you leave the message? - A few hours ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I require 24 hours' notice for a cancellation.
Now, as I see it, you owe me $75.
- Look, Mr.
Costanza - Will that be cash or check? I am really glad I took the day off.
Oh, yeah.
There's nothing better than skiing.
Yeah.
God, I hope my clients weren't too upset.
The hell with them.
What are you stopping here for? I'm dropping you off.
- Oh, no.
I'm three more blocks.
- If I take you right to your door I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus.
You know, it's all one-way.
Yeah, but it's only three blocks.
Right.
It's only three blocks.
All right.
Well.
I got it.
She'd driven me 120 miles, then all of a sudden three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over.
- Isn't that strange? - Yes, it's very strange, very strange.
I've never heard of anything like this.
It's as if I was hitchhiking and she said, "This is as far as I can take you.
" If you were, you'd never get in a car with someone with a hairdo like that.
I had to carry my skis and my boots and my poles.
- I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
- You should have her work on it.
Yeah.
All right.
I gotta go.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Mary.
Listen, I've decided I can't kiss hello anymore.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Louise.
I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna do the kiss-hello thing anymore.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that I'm not really able to do it.
Thank you for your cooperation.
- Hello.
- Jerry? Hi, Mom.
What's happening with Uncle Leo? Is he paying you? Well, he said no.
He says we have no proof.
No proof? We'll get him.
He's a crook.
Sooner or later he'll slip up.
Anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.
- Okay, I will.
- Do you realize an above average performing growth mutual fund for 53 years - What's up? - I gotta go visit my nana in the home.
Hey, Kramer.
Look at this.
Look at my picture.
I've been defaced.
Well, don't you worry, buddy.
I made double prints.
- Hey.
Hi, Cosmo.
- Oh, hey.
Jack.
How you doing? Hi, Jack.
I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, you think? Oh, I see.
When you need something done, then you're friendly to people.
- No, no.
That's not true.
- Well, I think it is.
It's a big building, Seinfeld.
Maybe I'll get to it someday after I take care of the people that are civil to each other.
Yeah, she's upstairs playing cards.
She really doesn't belong here.
My uncle put her here because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother $50.
Well, she seems very happy.
She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.
- Buddy? - Yes, that's his name.
He's right over there.
I'm sorry.
I don't owe you anything.
I had some personal business that day.
Oh, I see.
So your time is more valuable than mine.
Is that it? You're a delicate genius.
A delicate genius? - Elaine.
- George.
Good luck.
- What's going on? - Wendy I injured my shoulder Wednesday when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis and my boots and my poles all the way home.
I'm having trouble lifting my arm.
You think you could give me some treatment? Oh, sure.
You have insurance, right? Insurance? You're charging me? Wednesday? That's your personal business? Skiing? Sure.
Let people suffer while you're shooshing all over a mountain.
- How did you hear that? - I hear everything.
All right, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere.
That is a good idea.
- Come on, George.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.
Why? What's wrong with my hair? I think it's a little old-fashioned, don't you? - Tell her.
- She's right.
So you were with him at the track? Oh, yeah.
He won $1000.
His son was there too.
- Leo? - Yeah, that's it.
Leo.
Oh, what an obnoxious little kid.
He used to steal my soda bottles and cash them in for the deposit.
Is that so? After your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him $100 and told him to give $50 to his sister.
His sister? Well, I said he should give it to me for all the bottles he took.
Well, that's very interesting.
Uncle Leo I just met an old acquaintance of yours.
You remember Buddy.
He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.
- Wait a second.
- You're busted.
Hey, Steve.
How you doing? Hey, Jeff.
What's happening? Mary.
Oh, Mary.
Give us a kiss.
Don't be like that.
I made a mistake.
Look, why don't you do everybody a favor and just get out of this building.
Nobody wants you here.
Nobody! - Hi, Mary.
- Oh, hi, Jeff.
How are you? Hi, Steve.
How are you? - Hey, let's go get some coffee.
- Great idea.
I gotta go down to the corner, but Oh, Paul, could you hold that door? - Hi.
- Hey, could I use your shower? What, again? You took one this morning.
I got a date.
Come on.
Please.
I know, but, you know, I got a little problem.
- Wendy here? - No, no.
She changed her hairstyle.
It's terrible.
No, we're done.
- I'll go get some more beer.
- Oh, yeah.
Great.
And get some of those blue corn chips.
- Hey.
- Hi, Cosmo.
Hi.
I like that.
- Who was that? - That was Stephanie, 2G.
Oh, man.
- You got quite a few people in here.
- Well, I'd invite you in but, you know.
Oh, I understand.