Home Improvement s06e18 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you very much.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course you all know my assistant, Al "Here Comes the Groom" Borland! Big day tomorrow, right, Al? Uh, yes.
Tomorrow is the big day.
Uh, in 23 hours and 39 minutes, Dr.
llene Louise Markham will become Dr.
llene Louise Markham-Borland.
It rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? Anyway, on today's show we're gonna be talking about replacing your old bathroom fixtures with new ones.
You might want to select these and install them when the wife's out of the house.
Otherwise, you might end up with one of these.
Who wants tap water coming out of a Klingon bird of prey, huh? Women, that's who.
Women tend to overdo everything.
Bathrooms, weddings Now, how can you compare bathrooms and weddings? Well, during my wedding, I spent most of the time in the bathroom.
See, a man wouldn't plan one of these big shindigs.
A man's wedding would be simple and direct.
Right, guys? Wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, either.
I could do a wedding for, I don't know, off the top of my head, $137.
50.
$132.
00 without flowers.
There is no way you can do a wedding for that kind of money.
Watch me! The first thing to go, are those expensive invitations women have.
A man's invitation would cost about mmm, 20 cents.
- What are you taking about? - I'll show you.
Hank! Yeah.
I'm getting hitched.
What are you doing Tuesday? Tuesday? That's ridiculous.
Nobody would go to a wedding on a Tuesday.
Ah-ha! Added bonus then.
Eliminates 80ø% of your rogue relatives.
Stop talking about marriage and get back to faucets.
To wedding cakes.
Let's start talking about wedding cakes.
Women want tiered wedding cakes, look like Aztec sacrificial altars.
And on the top the bride and groom in the penthouse.
Holding hands and smiling.
What's that about? It symbolizes the joy of marriage.
A man's wedding cake would show what marriage is really like.
Heidi, the man's wedding cake, please.
Whoa! Big gift? You and Mom have a big fight? - It's for Al.
- You and Al have a big fight? It's for his bachelor party tonight.
- Cool! Can we come? - Yeah, we're bachelors.
And we know how to party.
This isn't a party for kids.
Ooh, what are you gonna do? Sit around and tell dirty jokes? Waste of time.
Al wouldn't get any of them.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Wait, wait, take these upstairs.
Tim, how could you say all those idiotic things on Tool Time? You'll have to be more specific.
How can you stereotype women like that? Again, you'll have to be more specific.
The swan faucets, how women overdo everything.
You put down marriage, weddings.
You probably scared Al to death.
- Honey, he knows I was kidding.
- Well, he's about to get married.
You could've said something supportive, nice, emotional.
I'm saving that for the bachelor party.
Yeah, I heard about all the warmth and sensitivity at your bachelor party.
It was a very special evening for me.
And luckily, that stripper turned out to be a paramedic.
And then she says, "Fifty bucks, Senator.
Same as in town.
" I don't get it.
Do you get it, Cal? It's amazing.
The flannel brothers haven't gotten one joke yet.
Well, we were brought up in a very proper home.
Mother did shield us from a lot.
Your mother could shield Michigan from the sun.
You know, I myself had rather a Puritanical upbringing.
My father was abstemious and he abhorred the salacious bon mot.
I know he's speaking English because I understood the word "father.
" Hey, slow down, big fella.
That's the third diet ginger ale you've had.
This is a first.
The groom's gonna end up the designated driver.
Come on, Al! This is your last night as a free man.
Have a real drink.
You know, you're right.
It's time to throw caution to the wind and sow my wild oats! - Yeah.
- Yeah, right.
Or, in your case, wild oat bran.
Milton, no more diet ginger ale.
Give me a, uh, Jack Black, beer back.
You know, I want you guys to know it really means a lot to me to spend this night with my dearest friends.
When are they coming? Boy, Al! I never thought I'd see the day when you took the fatal plunge.
Aw, come on! I wouldn't call it a plunge.
Marty, what would you call it? More like a slow agonizing death.
Come on! Doesn't somebody have something good to say about marriage? Be good if mine ended.
You know, Martin Luther had something good to say.
"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.
" Here, here! You know, Al, we make a lot of jokes about marriage.
And the truth is when you find the right person, there's nothing quite like it.
Here.
.
here's to my best friend, Al Borland.
Let's not forget the bride-to-be, Dr.
llene Louise Markham "hyphen-hyphen!" "Hyphen-hyphen.
" "Hyphen," Is that a Ukrainian name? - Al, we got a little surprise for you.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy! Here it comes! Al, we brought some tokens of our esteem to commemorate the eve of your nuptials.
Oh, you guys! Open mine first.
You've been waiting for this for a long time.
An oven-ready casserole set? Loosen your girdle, will ya, fella? This isn't a bridal shower with women oohing and ahhing over girlie gifts.
Ooh, a demolition hammer! Ooh! Ahh! With a three-quarter-inch X-shank.
Ahh! The kind of thing you never buy for yourself.
That is so stunning.
- And in such good taste.
- It's so slimming.
This is exactly why I registered at Sears! I just I just love it! All right, buddy.
So, Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
" To which he replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!" Churchill, huh? Does he ever play Vegas? - Great party, huh? - The best.
Tim, you know before when you were saying about finding the right woman? Yeah.
What about it? How does a guy know if he's found her? Usually he knows before he's gotten in as deep as you have.
Yeah.
You do know, don't you? - Of course.
- Yeah.
- I I think so.
- Yep, yep.
I thought so.
I I really don't know if I should go through with this wedding.
What? No! Al don't listen to this.
Is it because of what we said? No.
I don't I don't take any of that seriously.
Is it because of what I said on Tool Time? I never take that seriously.
Well, what are you talking about? What's the problem here? I don't know if llene is the right woman for me.
- She is! - No.
If I go through with this, it could be the biggest mistake of my life.
This is this is this is not like you, Al, um you shouldn't be drinking that.
It's just that brown liquor talking.
How many have you had? - If I finish this - If you finish that one.
One.
What are you guys still doing up? We're getting this stuff together to detail Al's car for the wedding.
You're gonna tie cans to the bumper and spray shaving cream on the windshield? - That's supposed to be funny? - Dad thinks so.
Why don't you try doing this to his car and see how funny he thinks it is? I like the way you think.
Oh! Stay away from my shoes! Al - what are you doing here? - Tim made me come.
He doesn't want to go through with the wedding.
Oh, my God! This is all your fault! You didn't do enough damage on Tool Time? You had to drive him over the edge at the bachelor party? - I told you she'd blame this on me.
- No.
It's not Tim's fault.
- It's not? - I've thought about it for months.
I thought it would just go away.
Tonight at the party, I looked at the clock and I realized that in 11 hours and 13 minutes I was going to be a married man.
And I I don't think I want to be.
Oh, Al.
It's just cold feet.
That happens to everybody.
- It does? - Yeah, everybody.
Sure.
Yeah, absolutely.
The morning of my wedding I was such a wreck.
My sisters had to literally drag me kicking and screaming the whole way to the church.
I was freaked out at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Tim.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't remember you telling me this.
Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
So, you thought now would be a good time? I'm trying to help Al out here.
OK? - You are perfect together - Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Kicking and screaming? Tim, I was young.
I had my whole future ahead of me.
- You didn't have second thoughts? - No.
But I'm I'm having some now.
Maybe I should go.
- No, don't - I'll go with you.
You are being ridiculous.
This was what, 18 years ago? Al! Al! You said llene was the best thing that happened to you.
I know! I know that! Lately there's been some things about her that just get on my nerves.
- Well, like what? What? - Well she's so darn nice! She never stands up for herself! She never gets angry! - Never gets annoyed! - Kicking and screaming? I want somebody who is feisty! Somebody who is not afraid to look me in the eye and say, "Al, you've had way too much bacon bits!" I want somebody somebody like Barbara Walters.
Barbara Walters? Oh, yeah.
She's sassy.
Al, the wedding is tomorrow.
Honey, you've gotta go home and give this some serious thought.
This is a decision that'll affect the rest of your life.
- And llene's.
- I know.
I you're right.
I just, I have to go home and decide whether whether there is something really deep between us, or if it's just wild, unbridled sex! What's going on? Is the wedding on or off? - Al called at 7:30 and it was off.
- Then he called at 8:00 and it was on.
OK, so, what do you think? - The Civil War's over.
- Oh! But apparently disco is alive and kicking.
Al, welcome.
Welcome.
- Al! - Oh, thank God you're here! I'm sorry I'm late.
Remember that wedding rule.
Once in the building, don't leave.
Don't worry.
I'm feeling better about things.
I've made my decision.
I'm gonna take the plunge.
In 11 minutes and 14 seconds, Al Borland becomes Mr.
Al Borland! OK.
OK, OK, I need the groom.
I need the best man.
I need ushers, ushers, ushers.
- Are you an usher? - Do you think I would buy this suit? - Good news.
Al's here.
- Oh, good.
Great, great.
Well, I guess that means that I'll be getting married soon.
- Yes! - Heidi, I need you for pictures.
OK.
Oh, llene, look at you.
You're so beautiful.
This is gonna be the most wonderful day of your life.
I hope so because I really have the jitters.
- That's just cold feet.
- Really? Everybody feels that.
You should've seen me on the morning of my wedding.
My sisters literally had to drag me kicking Kicking and screaming.
Um, Patty would like llene outside to take pictures.
- I'll just be a second.
- Kicking and screaming.
It's normal.
All brides are nervous.
Is it normal to wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? What? Jill I am not sure I'm doing the right thing.
What? I love Al.
But I don't know if I love him the way I'm supposed to, you know? He's a great guy.
But I'm not sure if he's the guy for me.
Did this just occur to you today? No.
I I guess I've been thinking about it for a couple of months.
I guess I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Oh, llene.
You know, the things I used to find charming about him, I now find annoying.
But that's marriage.
You know that snorting sound he makes? Oh, but it's cute.
And he only does it after he tells a joke.
He does it after a few other things, too.
Oh! I need the bride on the double.
No! llene, if you feel this way, don't you think you should talk to Al? - I can't.
He'd be devastated.
- Maybe.
Maybe not.
You never know.
- Tim! Tim! - What's the matter? What's the matter? You aren't gonna believe this.
llene feels the same way that Al does.
She's got a thing for Barbara Walters? She thinks that she's making the biggest mistake of her life.
OK, good.
I need a few more of Al and llene.
- Uh, they need the groom at the altar.
- Al! Al! - We need to talk! - I'm needed at the altar.
It's now or never, Al.
I'm not sure if we should be getting married.
Woo-hoo! You? You what? Really? - I'm not sure either.
- Over here.
You're not sure? Well why didn't you say something? I I made a commitment to you.
Woo-ooh.
- Why didn't you say something? - Over here.
- Why don't we finish this in private? - Could you excuse us a second? - How's it going? - Any news from the lovebirds? - Not yet.
- How's it going in the church? Uh, pretty good.
Heidi got her hoop skirt caught in the communion rail.
All the guys are lining up to help her get untangled.
And even worse.
Al's mother's starting to pace.
I thought I felt the foundation shaking.
I had better get back, uh Harry's holding my place in line.
Are the doors opening? Oh, this looks good.
They're smiling.
Oh, Al.
I'm so glad we talked.
Me, too.
I'm sure glad we worked this out.
Oh, look at them.
A happy ending.
You're getting married.
- No, we're not.
- You're not.
Well, we thought we'd be better off just friends.
- Good friends.
- Yes.
Does this mean she's available now? Hey, guys.
Are you sure this is what you want to do? - I really think it's the best thing.
- What about you, Al? Oh, yeah.
I I feel the same way.
I I just don't know how I'm gonna break it to mother.
Oh, no! Ho-ho! I think she knows.
I think somebody had better send for a forklift.
Mother! Strangest wedding I've ever been to.
Great music, great food.
Nobody got married.
If you'd had it your way, that's how our wedding would've ended up.
Are you still obsessing about that? Sorry.
It's a little upsetting to find out after 18 years, our marriage is a sham.
You're not seriously upset? Maybe.
OK what is it you really want out of this? What do you got? I love you very, very much.
Marrying you was the best thing that ever happened to me.
What else you got?