Married with Children s06e18 Episode Script

- Is nothing I do good enough for you? - I am not talking to you.
I don't wanna discuss this anymore.
Al, it's our 20th anniversary, and you give me a postcard.
Well, I read that the gift for the 20th anniversary is china.
That's a picture of China.
What do you want from me? Hey, I could have got you a Chicago Bears mug with a fill-up but I said, "No.
My wife's anniversary here's the nickel, give me the postcard.
" - Happy anniversary, babe.
- AI, you never get me anything good.
For our 15th anniversary you got me some motor oil.
Hey, that motor oil's still in your car.
Well, this year I want something special.
- Oh, all right, how much? - What I want won't cost you a thing.
I wanna be made love to.
And you think that's not gonna cost me anything? And I am not just talking about sex, Al.
I wanna be made love to.
What in sam hill does that mean? I wanna be held, I wanna be caressed, I wanna be romanced.
Peg, wait a second.
I've been secretly hiding a hundred bucks.
What say I just give it to you and we call it even.
No.
I want some romance in my life, Al.
And I'm not talking about the old Or the old And I really don't want that old New Year's Eve: "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two Sorry, better luck next year.
" Peg.
Peg, please reconsider.
Please, if you have any feelings for me don't make me make love to you, babe, please.
Peg, do you hate me that much? Come on, Bud.
They are just about to announce the winner for My Dinner With Anthrax contest.
Where's the remote? Where is the remote? Okay, I got a plan.
Dad once told me about the old days.
People would actually walk over to the TV and turn it on.
Go on.
I'm not kidding.
Just might work.
Now's the moment you've been waiting for.
It's time to pick the winner of The Video Channel's My Dinner With Anthrax contest.
Yes.
And as you can see, the guys are pretty excited.
We pay for a party in your house, including dinner for you and 50 of your closest friends, and Anthrax will rock your house off.
Yeah, is that right, guys? I am dying.
Wouldn't it be so cool if Anthrax came to our house? Sure, it'd be great for them, because they'd get to meet me.
Grand Master B and Anthrax.
They think they're getting some now Gee, Thigh Master shouldn't you be undressing yourself with your eyes about now? Hush, hush, sweet harlot they're gonna announce the winner now.
And the lucky winner is Bud "Grinch Master B" Bundy.
I won.
I won! Me! Anthrax is coming here! Anthrax is coming here! I'm having a party.
Gee, Bud, 50 of your closest friends.
I guess that would be Grandma and a bunch of stuffed animals, huh? Yeah, and my favourite future welfare mother.
Speaking of which, we've gotta get rid of Mom and Dad.
Oh, yeah, them.
Yeah, they'd be great with Anthrax.
Mom getting out her accordion and playing songs of her stinking youth.
And Dad saying, " Do any of you guys wanna see my bathroom? The flush will suck your arm right down.
" Well, maybe they'll listen to reason.
- Hey, Dad - Go away.
- Dad, this isn't about money.
- Go away anyhow.
Dad, we wanna throw a party on the 30th.
Can we, please? Absolutely not.
I have something very important to do that night.
Requires total silence.
I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary and me making love to her till I shrivel up and die.
Now, you're too young to hear any more.
Excuse me.
I'm going to go outside and walk blindly in traffic.
Are you feeling better, Al? Okay, now that you're more composed could you tell me what you were doing sitting behind my car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth? My wife wants me to make love to her.
Well, then shouldn't she be the one with her mouth on the exhaust pipe? You don't understand.
She wants me to hold her and to kiss her and tell her how happy she's made me feel.
Look at me, I'm shivering.
- Parts of me have fainted.
- You can do it, Al.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have made love to over 20,000 women.
Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.
All right, come on, you can do it, Al.
First you You put on some music, and then you turn the lights down low.
- Low? - Yeah.
- Low? - Yeah.
Then I can still see her.
Al, Al, come on.
Hey.
Then they like you to slowly undress them.
Then you lower her gently onto the bed, and eight hours later it's over.
- Eight Eight hours? - Yeah.
Eight hours, oh, God, the humanity.
Hold me, Jefferson.
- You can do it, big guy.
- No, I can't.
You don't understand.
It's my wife, it's just not right.
It's your own fault for being so damn desirable, Al.
Yes, you're right.
Of course I see that now.
When my look says yes, how can I say no? Well, I must prepare myself.
What are you gonna do, some wind sprints? No, no, I'm going to the magazine stand, get a copy of Big 'Uns and a great big bottle of Dramamine for the she-sickness.
- Hey, Dad.
- Go away.
So, Bud, what about my idea of getting rid of Mom and Dad? Kel, I think dropping a safe on them would kill them.
It never killed Daffy or Elmer.
Or that dog that's always after the Road Runner.
Well, Kel, I guess as long as old men in hats drive cars and pass out lollipops, you'll be fine.
Now, let me think.
Let's see, it's their anniversary.
Wish we had enough money to send them on a vacation.
Well, why don't we send them on one of these free vacations.
You moron, these aren't free vacations.
These are time-sharing deals, they're total scams.
They get you down there, they try to make you buy land they don't leave you alone for two solid days.
It's torture.
It's hell.
It's perfect.
Gee, I can't believe we're in Florida.
Why, if it wasn't for the thousand-degree heat the flying palmetto bugs and the smell of your frying feet I'd think we were in heaven.
It was nice of the kids to send us, though.
- It's kind of romantic, huh? - You ain't seen nothing yet.
Well, I guess that's it.
Happy anniversary, baby.
- Bellboy! - No, no, no, Al.
I want the whole enchilada.
You know, the whole four yards.
That's nine yards, Peg.
Do you really want me to get out the ruler, Al? Now, let's get to it.
Oh, all right, go lay down, I have to prepare myself.
Let's jam.
Don't mind me, I'm just setting up here.
Hi, Stan Mendelson, call me Captain Scooter.
I just wanna extend an official welcome to Hurricane Hole soon to be sunny Florida's finest resort community.
Let me get that lizard there for you.
- So.
You busy? - Not really.
Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but this is kind of our vacation.
How pathetic is that? But you got your job to do and I got mine, right? So this is an artist's conception of what Hurricane Hole will look like when it's finished sometime in the year 3000.
Well, let's talk luxury, let's talk condos.
Hey, I see you got a copy of Big 'Uns there.
I had a letter in the last issue.
But, you know, if you really wanna see some "big 'uns" take a look at this house.
Damn kids.
I think they tricked us.
We're here in this sweltering hell and they're having the wildest time of their lives back home.
How about that, Chicago? Ten feet of snow and the city's at a standstill.
I bet the only place that's hot is the party at Bud Bundy's house where Anthrax is rocking the roof off.
They must be having one great time.
Well, that's guest number 50 that's snowed in and can't make it.
I guess it means more Anthrax for us.
"Let's get there early," you said.
"For once let's be responsible," you said.
"That dog won't take a whiz on my guitar," you said.
I'm not so sure it was the dog, Mr.
Two-Six-Packs-of-Malt-Liquor.
Well, looks like it's just gonna be us.
That's okay.
We can still have fun together.
Right, guys? Well, here's a little game I know that can break the ice at any party.
We say our first names, and then the name of an animal that begins with the same letter.
I'll go first.
Bud.
Bear.
Go on.
Dan.
Bite me.
Now Now, right off, Dan, that's too many words.
Hi.
I just came by to check on you.
Oh, I see you have some killers over.
Very nice.
I'm Marcie.
Nice to meet you, sir.
I am a woman.
Yeah, right.
And he's a rap star and she's a genius, and we're glad to be here.
Well, anyway, your mother and father asked me to look in on you while they were out of town to make sure everything's on the up and up.
My, you're young and firm.
Thanks, mister.
Relax, Mrs.
D'Arcy, they're famous musicians.
We won them in a contest.
Musicians, eh? Well, I don't want you to think I'm unhip.
I chased the Monkees like everyone else.
Yeah, I bet they were running like hell.
Well, I liked Peter.
He was the shy one.
Which one of you is the shy one? Not me, I wear the hat.
Hey, let's get this little guy's shovel and dig a tunnel out of here.
Sorry, guys, but you're going nowhere.
According to this contract, you owe us a song first.
Hey, it's supposed to be dinner with Anthrax.
Dinner.
I play nothing till I eat.
In case you're wondering, I'm the hungry one.
Well, let's go over to the fridge and see what we got to eat.
Hey, do you guys do "I'm a Believer"? Because Micky used to really rock out on that one.
- Wow, the desolation.
- It's not totally empty.
There's a Chia Pet in there.
That That's not a Chia Pet.
That was a meat loaf.
But there's always Mom's aluminium-foil-wrapped mystery pack.
- Food.
- Man, I am starving.
They're gonna eat the mystery pack.
Even Dad won't eat the mystery pack.
These guys are cool.
Wow, the colours.
- The colours.
- Is your hunk moving? Oh, it's biting me.
If it came out of the fridge, why is it hot? I see 50 people now.
Let's jam.
Go ahead, see what it's like to come home to your wife in Hurricane Hole.
Look, Peg, I'm home.
Look, Stan, my husband's a moron.
Now, look, it's our anniversary.
You could at least have the decency to step outside and give us three seconds to have sex.
Not until I've played my trump card.
Folks, if you buy here in Hurricane Hole your celebrity neighbour will be, yes, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
Have a comb, fans.
Oh, Al, it's former teen idol and star of 77 Sunset Strip Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
Oh, man.
So, Kook, tell the folks why you bought here in Hurricane Hole.
- You gave me one for free, Stan.
- Good, Kook.
So, what do you say, folks? It's just 6 dollars down.
I don't have that kind of money.
Come on, everyone has that kind of money, even Kookie.
Well, you see, my husband is a shoe salesman.
Let's go, Kook.
Be out by dawn.
Oh, Al, Kookie spoke to me.
Let's do it on his combs.
Well, wait a second, Peg, Kookie stole my copy of Big 'Uns.
Come on, now, I want my anniversary present.
Well, Peg, I can't do it without my copy of Big 'Uns.
- Yes, you can.
- Kookie.
Kookie, lend me my Big 'Uns.
You kids should be ashamed of yourselves.
Having a party while I was stuck down in a swamp having sex with your mother.
I never wanna go back to either place again.
Where's my fun? Al, like you, the kids just did their best.
- I'm sorry about everything, Mom.
- Yeah, happy anniversary.
- Did you get us anything good? - Well, we didn't have much money so we got the only thing we could afford.
It's out on the porch.
Hey, kids.
Hey, as soon as I bring in the rest of your bags, I got a treat for you.
Yep.
Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb.
Who's he? That's Kookie.
Your mother said she'd walk and feed him but you know the first rainy night who's gonna be doing it.
Who are those guys out on the stoop? Oh, that's the band Anthrax.
They ate Mom's mystery pack, so the Environmental Protection Agency quarantined them to our house for six months.
What horrible sounds am I gonna have to be listening to for the next half-year?