Roseanne s06e18 Episode Script

I'll see you guys later.
I'm going out with Sharon.
Why don't you bring her in So she can meet the folks? Yeah, you've been dating her for, like, three months.
We've never even met her.
Nothing personal, Roseanne.
I just haven't introduced sharon To any of my friends.
You mean any of your straight friends, right? Because you've never been able to accept Our alternate lifestyle.
Well, it isn't a choice, you know.
It's not that.
What, are you ashamed of her? Is she a dog or something? Hey, babe.
You ready? Nancy, how come, when you date guys, They look like Arnie, And when you date girls, they look like her? Jackie, Roseanne, this is Sharon.
She's an erotic dancer performance artist.
I'm a stripper.
Hi.
I've been wanting to meet you for a while.
But for some reason, Nancy was scared To introduce her girlfriend to you guys.
Why, you ain't one of them lesbians, are ya? Can we go already? Look, we're going dancing In that new club in Elgin Friday night.
You two should join us.
Oh, I--I don't think that would be a very good idea.
Oh, come on.
I think it'd be fun.
I haven't been dancing since--- When was dad's funeral? I don't think you'd have such a great time.
Sounds like fun.
It's a gay bar.
Okey-dokey.
Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.
Well, it might.
Friday is convert a hetero night.
Look, are you afraid That we're gonna embarrass you or something? I know all the etiquette.
It's knives and forks on the left And vibrators on the right.
Oh, hi, fellas.
I got to go.
I hope you guys come.
[Roseanne.]
nice meeting you.
Roseanne, I really have to go? Yeah.
I'm not gonna feel comfortable there.
What if everybody there thinks i'm gay? Well, then, you can just think they're gay right back at 'em.
So Friday night, i'll get my chance To see Roseanne out with my people, huh? That should prove quite entertaining.
Why? Well, hmm, how can I put this delicately? Uh, a gay bar is sort of like a size 12 dress.
You just won't fit in.
[theme.]
David, did you finish my laundry? Yeah, it's in your bag.
Now that i'm not gonna be there anymore, You're gonna have to learn how to do your own.
How come? I said you could visit.
[snort.]
What? You're pathetic, man.
She orders you around, and you just take it.
You got no guts.
I've got guts.
I just hide 'em.
Hey, honey.
I'm home.
Hey.
Hi.
I'll be down in a sec.
[scoff.]
What? I wouldn't let my wife Show off her body like that.
It gives other guys ideas.
I don't got to worry about that.
There's nothing those guys got That she can't get at home.
See, Dave I can keep Becky satisfied.
Hey.
I keep Darlene satisfied.
David, what's the matter with you? I told you to use fabric softener.
[doorbell rings.]
Wow.
Dean.
Dean bates.
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
Do I know you? No, but when I was a freshman You went out with Becky, didn't you? Yeah.
Come on in.
It's good you're here.
Hey, Mark, this is dean bates.
Dean used to date Becky, your wife.
Oh, so you're her husband.
Yeah, that's right.
Nice to meet you.
So, dean, you still playing football? Yeah.
I got a scholarship to Northwestern.
Really? Great.
Going to college and playing football.
Can't get that around here.
Dean? Oh, my god, how are you? Great, Becky.
You-- you look terrific.
So do you.
If you ask me, That guy's a lot better-looking than you.
Why don't you go over there And give him a big kiss? Hey, dean.
I'm ready.
Ready? Ready for what? Oh, i'm gonna give her a ride to school.
But you two don't even know each other.
Yeah, we met at some lame frat party.
He was, like, the only guy there not guzzling beer And saying, "god, I love you guys.
" I'll put your stuff in the car.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, Darlene, did you hear Dean's got a football scholarship? Darlene hates football players.
Hmm, things change.
Do not.
You're serious.
He's giving you a ride to school? So what, Becky? What do you care? Well, I just don't think She should be using my old boyfriends to get rides.
So what, you're not done riding him yet? Wait a minute.
Did he just say something clever? I cannot believe you're doing this to me.
So what's the difference If your sister goes out with the guy? In case you've forgotten, you're married.
Oh, just leave me alone.
Becky, get back here.
Becky? Becky.
Did you see that? Mark was going crazy with jealousy.
What an idiot.
Yeah.
Becky's not the one Who'd gonna have to think of some way To pay dean back for the ride.
See you, David.
love come down Wow, evelyn champagne king, she is fierce! I want to show you my dental bonding Under the black light.
All right.
I haven't danced with my clothes on For a while.
no sleep last night been dreaming of you Oh, now, just relax, Jackie.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
No, what's to be nervous about? It should be clear to anyone That i'm Traditional.
Hey, look.
There's another old-fashioned girl right there.
[Jackie gasps.]
[whispering.]
my god.
That pregnant woman's holding hands with my mailman-- Woman--lesbian.
She waved at me.
What do I do? Well, wave back.
Oh, my god, she's smiling at me.
Well, yeah.
That's 'cause everybody knows That waving is the international gay signal.
Jackie.
Jackie harris.
Hi! Wow.
So, uh, now I know Why there's never any mail for your husband.
No.
No.
You don't understand.
Oh, now, you don't have to hide our love, pookie.
Hi.
I'm Roseanne.
I'm the father.
So, uh, how long have you two been together? Oh, what's it been now, honey, About 38 years? Oh, and she's just as feisty as ever.
You know, I had a feeling about you.
You did? Why? What'd I do? You are so, so sick.
Well, if it isn't Charlie Brown.
Is that you, Roseanne? I thought it was a drag queen Doing a really bad Liz Taylor.
Leon, come sit at a table with us And act like we're together.
I didn't come here to be with you.
I came here in search of Stimulating conversation.
Ooh, I smell aramis.
So, gals, what'll it be? Well, a beer for me And a ginger ale for the little missus here.
All rightie.
Roseanne! It's nice to see some new faces around here, Especially pretty ones like yours.
Oh, well, thank you, marge.
You're not too bad yourself.
Ah, go on.
What are you doing? I'm doing what I do in any bar-- Scoring free drinks.
So, uh, wow, awesome tattoo there, Marge.
Yeah? You hiding any others? I wouldn't put it past me.
Oh, you-- ah-ah-ah.
Stop flirting.
Hey, Roseanne, want to come boogie with us? Ah, she doesn't want to dance with you.
I do, too.
Can I, hon? Hot.
I hate you.
Keep an eye on her, marge.
She's a big tease.
Oh We're sisters.
Hey, aren't we all? You are one pretty lady.
Care to dance? Oh, no, thank you.
Come on.
What could it hurt? Uh, it could hurt you.
You see that big butch broad over there? I'm hers! [disco.]
Let's take a break! [shouting over music.]
okay! Whew! Ha ha! That was wild.
Can you believe that Nancy doesn't think I'm cool enough for this place? That must have been before she saw you Teaching 40 people to do the monkey.
Yeah.
How cool is that? It's pretty damn cool.
Where'd you learn to dance like that? Well Actually, I studied.
Really? Where? In my living room With the solid gold dancers.
You know, Roseanne, we ought to hang out more often.
I was thinking that, too, But next time, let's leave the wives at home.
You read my mind.
Huh? What are you doing, cleaning? Yeah, well, I tried twitching my nose, But that didn't work, So I had to end up doing it manually.
Something the matter? You didn't say a word on the way home last night.
That Sharon kissed me.
Nancy's Sharon? No, Herb Sharon over on Elm Street.
After I drop you off, I run over there for a quickie.
Exactly what do you mean by kissed you? I mean kissed me, like full on the lips, You know, like Dan used to before we were married.
My god, you got kissed by a woman? No wonder you're upset.
Well, no, i'm not upset about that.
I'm just upset about Nancy, you know.
I mean, this could devastate her.
This is unbelievable.
I just don't even know how i'm gonna tell her.
You got kissed, and all I got Was a couple of women asking if they could touch my stomach.
Hi, guys.
Did you have fun last night? Why? What'd you hear? Well, you left so early, I had to hitch a ride with Leon And some accountant with pierced nipples.
Hey, uh I have to tell you something, And--and you're probably gonna get really upset, you know, But I figure, if I was you, well, i'd want to know.
Uh, last night, Sharonkissed me.
I know.
She told me.
Oh, she did? Yeah.
She just thought you were real cute, And she wanted to kiss you, so she did.
Isn't she a riot? Oh, so you're not, like, upset or anything.
No, I think it's funny.
Why, did it bother you? Well, no.
No, it didn't bother me.
I mean, I-- I pretty much knew It was funny, you know.
Oh, my god.
When sharon told me she kissed you, I told her there might be a chance That you might freak out.
What do you mean, freaked out? I'm not freaking out.
Why would I freak out? Well, you know, maybe-- Maybe you liked the kiss just a little.
What? That is the most ridic-- What? Well, it's not that unusual.
I mean, sexuality isn't all black and white.
There's a whole gray area.
I know about the gray area.
And you're afraid that just one little tiny percent of you Might have been turned on by a woman.
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
I am not afraid of any, uh, small percentage Of my gayness inside, you know what I mean? I--I am totally okay About whether I-- i'm, like, 3% or 4% Or lower.
This is exactly why I didn't want to invite you In the first place, Roseanne, Because you are a total hypocrite.
I am not a hypocrite.
A hypocrite doesn't go to a gay bar And teach 40 gay people how to do the monkey.
Oh, and we're supposed to admire you Because you went to a gay bar? I'm supposed to think you're cool Because you have gay friends? I don't care if you think i'm cool at all Because I know that I am cool, baby.
I'm probably the coolest chick you ever met.
And for your information, I have friends that are way gayer than you.
Yes, son? Was there something you wanted? Yeah.
Mom said she went dancing last night With other women.
Yes.
Isn't that wrong? No, son.
It's perfectly fine.
And anyone that tries to tell you different is wrong.
Does that mean you dance with other men? Yes, I do.
Really? No.
Never.
Not once.
Well, I don't want to, either.
That's your choice.
Hallelujah.
Cleaning again? Boy, if sharon had slipped you the tongue, We might actually get this place up to code.
No wonder women don't find you attractive.
Oh, is that so awful that the kiss freaked you out? You're just not as cool as you thought.
Oh, i'm not cool? You're the one sitting there at the bar Telling everybody you're from pbs doing research.
Fine.
If you don't have a problem with what happened, Why are you upset? Well, okay, Jackie, if you really have to know, Uh, well, at first, you know, I--I thought that I was upset for Nancy, And then I kind of realized that that was just denial.
I'm really upset About Dan.
Dan? Yeah.
'cause remember in 11th grade, When that Jimmy Mcquirter kissed me, you know, And Dan felt all threatened and everything, And he beat the crap out of him? Oh, so you're worried that Dan's gonna beat up Sharon.
Yeah.
'cause Dan would feel threatened by Sharon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
'cause you and Sharon might buh-huh-hoo-woo-woo! Of course not! I am not gay! I didn't mean for that to sound like it was bad or anything, you know, Because if I was gay, that'd be just fine, but i'm not gay.
So I just don't like people calling me things that i'm not, Like a hypocrite, or gay, you know, Because i'm not.
I wouldn't like anybody calling me, like, uh An astronaut, Because it's fine to be an astronaut, But see, I am not an astronaut.
So I'm not gonna admit I was wrong or anything, But I just don't want to fight with you anymore, So I was wrong.
Thank you.
I'm still pretty cool, you know For a 41-year-old mother of three That lives in Lanford, Illinois.
I like that snoopy dog dog.
It's not like you have to be cool To be my friend, Roseanne.
I mean, i'm not comfortable With everything about you, either.
Every time I think about you and Dan in bed, ecch.
Yeah.
Join the club.
Wow.
That was--wow.
I'd give you a standing ovation, But I can't feel my legs.
What got into you? I don't know.
You're just so manly.
I am so turned on by your masculinity.
How'd you get so macho? Step class.
Well, now that I got you Feeling all relaxed and confident and everything, There's something I want to tell you, But i'm afraid it's gonna upset you.
Oh, honey, I told you, I don't mind if you fake it.
Just don't tell me.
No.
It's, uh-- okay, all right.
UmUm Well, uh, recently, I was talking to this person, you know, Uh, totally innocently, And, uh, uh, then they kissed me.
Name? I knew I shouldn't have told you.
I knew you would freak out.
Give me the guy's name, Roseanne.
Now.
No, because then you'll just do something stupid.
I'm your husband.
That's my right.
Now, where'd this happen, at work? No.
When I went out.
Well, from now on, you're not going out without me.
Now give me the guy's name.
Huh.
Well-- now! Sharon.
Herb Sharon kissed you? No.
Nancy's sharon.
A woman kissed you? Yeah.
What was this, that gay bar? Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
Well, so-- well, you're not angry.
No, i'm--i'm, uh MoreConcerned.
I mean, it, uh Must have been very unpleasant for you.
It was.
It really was.
It was the total opposite of pleasant.
It was unpleasant.
So How'd it happen? She just Walk up and kiss you? Well, no.
Uh, no, we--you know, we were dancing.
Wow.
She's probably wearing that light leather stuff Like they like, you know.
Low-cut kind of thing.
What does it matter what she was wearing? No, it's just helping me imagine Your painful moment for you.
So, uh Suppose she was probably one of those blonde hard bodies That think they can just walk up and kiss some woman.
Heh heh.
Did you see her kissing anybody else? You would really love it at that bar, Dan.
They got a lot of men there, too.
You know, and they're rubbing their hard bodies up against each other And kissing each other.
I'm gonna get something to eat.