Seinfeld s06e18 Episode Script

Remember the doorman strike? They have a union, in the fancy buildings and they went on strike.
You would think if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen.
"Let's see how they do without us.
" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in.
Who's gonna walk out next? The guys that clean your windshield at the traffic light with the dirty rag? "We demand shorter yellows and longer reds.
" - May I help you? - Yeah.
I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.
Benes.
There's no one here by that name.
Oh, she's housesitting for Mr.
Pitt.
- Oh, housesitting? - Yeah.
What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie? - Can I just go up? - Oh, I get it.
Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job opening the door for you.
How about those Knicks? Oh, I see, on the sports page.
Why do you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know.
Because I'm the uneducated doorman.
So you think your parents will get back together? I hope so.
I can't take him living with me much longer.
He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.
- Hey, George, stick them up.
- What? For these German tourists.
Pretend that I'm robbing you.
- Why? - So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging.
It'll give them a thrill.
All right, hands up, porky.
That's it.
Now, give me your wallet.
You got it in here, huh, fat boy? Is that all you got, huh? Is that all you got? - All right, that's enough.
- I'll tell you when it's enough.
All right, you better not say anything or I'll stalk you.
Where have you been? We're gonna miss the movie.
Let's go.
I am not going back down there.
I can't face that guy again.
- What guy? - The doorman.
I don't wanna play any more of his mind games.
- What time does he get off? - Six.
But then the night doorman comes on.
He's much scarier.
Well, it's almost 6 now.
Can't we just wait till he goes home? - We'll still make the movie.
- Okay, okay.
So, what did you do today, Dad? Today I went record shopping in Greenwich Village.
I bought this record, but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.
I don't have a hi-fi.
- I gave you my old record player.
- I gave it to Cosmo.
Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? I'm Cosmo.
Well, I want it back.
I want to listen to that cha-cha record.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
All right, all right.
Can we go out and eat? Let me change my shirt.
Jerry, it's 6, let's go.
That doorman's still milling around outside.
He's very peculiar.
- No, don't - Hello.
- Oh, hi, Mr.
Pitt.
- Give that to me.
Hello, Mr.
Pitt.
How's Scotland? Elaine, are you having a party? A party? Oh, no, that was just my stupid friend, Jerry.
He just left.
We can go.
There's to be no entertaining while I'm gone.
Believe me, we're not entertained.
We're just leaving.
- Grab those empty bottles for me.
- I need to know what's in the mail.
Oh, well, Mr.
Pitt, there's really nothing that can't wait.
- We're trying to catch a movie.
- Well, catch the later show.
I need to know what's in the mail.
All right.
I can't go.
The new TIME magazine.
- The new People.
- Oh, who's on the cover? Hey, buddy.
You? What are you doing here? You work at this building too? Oh, sure.
Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby.
No, I live here.
That's okay, isn't it? So you work all day as a doorman at one building and then you stand outside your building? Yeah.
You got a problem with that? Look, I'm not going in your building.
I really don't have to talk to you.
Goodbye.
You really think you're better than me, don't you? So my father opened his shirt - Yeah, and? - Tell him, Kramer.
He had breasts.
- What do you mean, breasts? - Big breasts.
So what? A lot of older men have that.
No, not these.
These were real hooters.
I was throwing up all night.
It was like my own personal Crying Game.
You know, maybe you're gonna get them too, George.
Yeah, that's right.
What if it's a genetic thing? Like father, like son.
But your father's not bald.
No, no.
That skips a generation.
The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.
Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother? Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around.
He should wear something for support.
- You mean, like a bra? - No, a bra is for ladies.
I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.
Boy, that brain never stops working, does it? That's right.
I'm gonna go noodle with this.
Hey, we're twins.
What?! Our shirts, they're the same.
Imagine that.
What? What did you say to the doorman? What? Nothing.
He claims that you followed him home and started harassing him.
What, does this guy got a personal vendetta with me? What did I do to him? Because I asked him about the Knicks? - Hey, did you make the movie? - No.
You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.
All right.
Can we go to a later show so he's off his shift when I come by? So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman? Yes, we do.
What is wrong with George? He's trying to get something off his chest.
All right.
I gotta try and talk my mother into taking him off my hands.
Help you? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.
I traded shifts with the night doorman.
He had personal affairs to attend to.
My fellow doormen and I watch out for each other.
We don't stab each other in the back like people in your world.
Look, I don't want any trouble.
I don't have a doorman in my building.
I guess I'm not used to talking to them.
- I'd really just like to be friends.
- You wanna be friends? I'd like to be.
- Then watch the door for a minute.
- What? I just want to get a beer.
Be back in a minute.
- Wait a second.
What do I do? - It's not brain surgery.
Open the door for people.
If they don't live here, don't let them in.
Here.
Wear this.
Hey, hey, wait a second.
Hey! Hello! - Wait a second, you live here? - Of course I live here.
I've lived here for 20 years.
Now, if you don't let me in I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.
All right.
All right.
You think you're better than me? - You gotta sign for it.
- Oh, right, right.
Hey, how about those Knicks, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I brought back your record player.
Oh, thank you, Kramer.
Put it over there.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
- So how you feeling? - A little tired.
- Does your back hurt? - How did you know? Well, it's obvious.
You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there.
- Up here? - Oh, yeah, top floor.
Listen, Frank you ever considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this.
Mind you, this is just a prototype.
- You want me to wear a bra? - No, no.
A bra is for ladies.
Meet the Bro.
So is your father excited about coming home? George.
Hey, Mom, what kind of woman was Grandma? All of a sudden you're interested in your grandmother? Well, you know, you get to a certain point you want to know about your roots.
- Well, she was a lovely woman.
- Yeah.
- What about physically? - Physically? - You know, what did she look like? - Well, you've seen pictures.
Well, you can't tell much from those pictures.
Tell what? Was she.
.
? - Was she a big woman? - Big? No.
She was my height.
- Bosomy? - Bosomy? You want to know if your grandmother was bosomy? I was just wondering.
The information could be relevant.
Where do you get your genes from? That's what I'd like to know.
- I can't believe you left your post.
- He left me there.
You see the mind games? Hey, what's going on here? Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby.
Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door? - Jerry, let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Why were you watching the door? - He asked me to.
We were getting along.
You know, my fingerprints are all over this.
That doorman knows you're a friend of mine.
He'll tell that co-op lady.
She'll tell Mr.
Pitt.
Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, a couch gets stolen? - Maybe he's setting me up.
- All right.
Shut up.
Just let me think.
I gotta think.
We gotta get our story straight.
- All right.
What if we say.
.
? - All right.
Here it is.
This is what we'll tell them.
- You came to pick me up.
- I came to pick you up.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- No, I was just - No, I know.
It's not helping.
- All right.
Well, just start again.
- Okay.
You came to pick me up - Right.
- You see? Again.
- What? I said, "Right.
" All right, you came right upstairs without talking to the doorman.
But the doorman's gonna say I was there.
So what? No one's gonna believe a doorman.
- I don't know if this is gonna work.
- Stick with the story.
We'll be fine.
- Let me do the talking.
- Okay.
Good.
Now fix me a drink.
How's that feel? - This feels very comfortable.
- You see? - I feel 10 years younger.
- And your posture's a lot better.
Look at you.
- And I can breathe easier too.
- I told you.
Frank, listen, here's what I'm thinking.
- You have a friend in the bra business.
- Of course.
Sid Farkus.
He's the best in the business.
It's our chance.
What do you say? It'll be me, you and the Bro, bro.
Let's do it.
Except we gotta do something about the name.
- Why? What's wrong with Bro? - Bro is no good.
Too ethnic.
- You got something better? - How about the The Mansiere.
- Mansiere? - That's right.
A brassiere for a man.
The Mansiere.
Get it? Well, you scared her off.
We may never see Mom again.
Hey, George, what do you like better, the Bro or the Mansiere? Dad, we need to talk.
I had to use the bathroom so I asked this guy to watch the door for a few minutes.
Why should I believe you? Actually, it was her friend.
I was just speaking to the doorman here about the couch robbery.
Oh, really? The doorman.
And pray tell, what did the doorman say? He said he asked a friend of yours to watch the door.
Oh, my.
Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he? Well, what do we have here? Perhaps Ms.
Benes can explain why a Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package at the exact same time the couch was stolen.
He'd never watched a door before, Mrs.
Payton.
He didn't know how to do it.
You know, he's a comedian, Mrs.
Payton.
They don't know how to do anything.
Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up.
He's playing all these mind games.
- They're saying I'm responsible? - There was nothing I could do.
He had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.
Diabolical.
He thought of everything.
He was setting me up from day one.
Is it possible we were victims of a sting? I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.
So you didn't even want the couch? No, I was just messing with his head.
And they think they're better than us.
Anyway, Jerry Jerry.
- We have to replace the couch.
- Now we have to buy a new couch? Not necessarily.
Why don't you take back the couch you gave me? - The one with the Poppie stain? - Yeah, sure.
Then my father will have no place to sleep.
He's gotta move out.
But it's got a pee stain on it.
Well, the cushion's turned over.
- I guess.
- Yeah.
You get a couch, I get rid of my father.
It couldn't be more perfect.
- Now, it's call the Bro.
- Or the Mansiere.
- Yeah, but I prefer the Bro.
- I like Mansiere.
Well, I have to tell you, it's a very interesting idea.
You know, selling bras exclusively to women we're really only utilizing - That's what we figured.
- I told you.
And to be perfectly frank, I've always felt I could use some support.
I know when I'm wearing Ban-Lon there appears to be some jiggling.
I wouldn't be caught dead in Ban-Lon.
So, what do you see in the back? Hooks? Velcro? - Definitely Velcro.
- Oh, yeah.
Say you're getting intimate with a woman you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there.
I think we've all experienced that.
Summer nights.
I still have to talk about this to Mr.
De Granmont but barring any unforeseen developments gentlemen, I think we're sitting on a winner.
Good.
Frank, I wanna tell you how sorry I am to hear about you and Estelle separating.
Thank you, Sid, but that's all in the past.
I'm ready to move on.
I've always been very fond of Estelle.
Beautiful woman.
I hope you don't think this is out of line but would it be okay with you if I were to ask her out? You want to go out with my wife? Where do you get the nerve to ask me that? No, I'm just saying I know what you're saying and thinking.
- No, Frank - Come on, Cosmo.
- I'm not doing business with this guy.
- Come on.
Frank.
Frank! Frank! - Jerry took the couch back.
- He took it back? - Didn't you tell him I was using it? - Oh, I pleaded with him.
Where do I sleep? Well, I took the liberty of packing your things.
Mom's coming to get you.
I thought Jerry didn't want that couch because of the stain.
- What stain? - Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee stain.
You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch? No.
No, no.
The cushion was turned over.
But the very idea.
You had me lying in urine! There's Mom.
There's Mom.
- Is it safe to come in? - Oh, of course.
Of course.
You're not having any of your transvestite parties? Will you stop it? I lived with him for 40 years.
I never saw him trying on my underwear.
As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J.
Edgar Hoover.
Here, Cosmo, you can have the hi-fi.
I don't need it now.
- I got one at home.
- All right.
Let's go.
- We'll go out for dinner tonight.
- I can't tonight.
I'm busy.
What do you mean, busy? - I'm having dinner with someone.
- With whom? Sid Farkus.
Sid Farkus? You're not having dinner with a bra salesman.
Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm not coming home.
But you can't stay here.
There's no place to sleep.
We'll work something out.
Stop him! Yeah, yeah, it's him.
Stop that man! It's him! Somebody stop him! Please, quick.
Stop! It's him! I know.
I know.
Help! Stop him! Hey, that record player is not yours.
- No, look, somebody gave it to me.
- You're a thief.
We have proof.
What is that? It's the first upper-body support undergarment specifically designed for men.
How does it connect in the back? With a hook? Oh, no, no, no.
Here.
Velcro.
Well, I suppose it will have to do.
- It's a beautiful couch.
- It's hardly been used.
Poppie.
Oh, hello, Jerry.
- What are you doing here? - Visiting my friend.
- Hey, how you feeling? - Much better.
Much better.
The doctors are saying I cannot have no aggravation so I sell the restaurant.
I just take it easy.
See, if I get excited, that's aggravated my condition.
The last time I got aggravated was in the restaurant with your friend.
She started a big fight about abortion.
It's you.
- It's you.
- What? You I I I gotta sit down.
- No, Poppie, no! - No, Poppie! Kasha? No, thanks, Dad.