The Golden Girls (1985) s06e18 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Well, Dorothy, I'm ready to go to work.
How do I look? Oh, Ma, you look adorable.
Adorable? I want to look aggressive, powerful, like a corporate killer.
Lose the hat.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Now you look like the activities director at a retirement home.
Oh, Ma, Ma, your first day.
You must be really excited.
You bet I'm excited.
This was a great idea of yours.
It's given me a whole new lease on life.
I need a raise.
Ma, you haven't even started yet.
I meant help me up.
These new Underalls are choking my pancreas.
Ma, I think this will be good for you.
Mr.
Porter seems like a nice man.
I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun there.
And don't forget the money.
I haven't had a paycheck since 1942, and then I blew it all on war bonds.
At least you got it back.
No, Italian war bonds.
I fell for their slick advertising campaign.
"Buy Italian war bonds - the quickest, surest, fascist way to double your money.
" Well, let's go.
Ma, you want to make a good impression? Matching shoes.
They should match my purse? No, they should match each other.
Hi, Dorothy.
Cooking? No, Rose, I'm developing pictures from the Magellan space probe.
Yes, I'm cooking.
I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
Rose, I'm concerned about Ma's first day at Cypress Grove.
Oh, I'm sure she'll do a fine job.
No, Rose, you don't understand.
She only thinks that she has a job.
I worked it out with the owner, Mr.
Porter.
This flu has really knocked her for a loop, and her doctor says she has to rest for at least three weeks.
I've been working so much, I figured this is the only way I can get someone to keep an eye on her during the day.
Dorothy, that's dishonest.
She wouldn't have gone for it if I'd told her the truth.
And, oh, like you never told a lie? That's right.
I've never told a lie.
Well, just once, when I snuck out of class to go to the movies.
It's not much of a lie.
That's what I thought.
Turned out to be the day they taught everything.
The final piece of the puzzle.
Ah, girls, it finally happened.
The most wonderful thing happened to me at the drug store today.
Oh, no.
Dr.
Scholl was there in person, and I missed it.
Rose, get new heroes.
I am going to be a model.
There I was, sitting at the lunch counter, and just like Miss Lana Turner, I was discovered.
Well, not exactly like Miss Lana Turner.
You mean she was sipping a soda and you were scarfing down your usual lumberjack breakfast.
Oh, Rose.
Silly, silly, water-retaining Rose.
She was discovered for the movies.
I was discovered by a print ad photographer, and the shoot's today.
Oh, Blanche, haven't you had enough problems with photographers? Remember the last time? Sure, the pictures turned out fine, but it cost your friend his party's nomination.
Well I checked this guy out.
He's a pro.
Oh, imagine my face gracing the pages of Miami's biggest PennySaver.
Blanche, all this commotion over a PennySaver? Well, I know it isn't exactly Vogue, but it is delivered with every daily in Miami.
Oh, girls, what a glorious day.
I just feel so pretty and alive and young as a teenager.
Oh, that's terrific.
By the way, you got a phone call this morning from your grandson.
He got his driver's license.
Ma, look at this place.
It's lovely.
Don't get any ideas, Pussycat.
I'm not getting any ideas, Ma.
You're scheming.
Remember Shady Pines, Dorothy? "Honest, Ma, this is the way to the new Dairy Queen.
" Ms.
Zbornak.
Right on time.
Ah, Mr.
Porter.
I'd like you to meet your new activities director - my mother Sophia Petrillo.
Activities director? Surely you remember the conversation we had last - Do this for me.
You promised.
activities director? Oh, of course I remember.
Nice meeting you.
I'm sure you'll get along well with our, uh, our little gang.
Hi, everybody.
I'm your new activities director.
What's your name, honey? Sophia.
Sophia, move it.
You're blockin' the TV.
Tough room.
But don't worry, I'm highly qualified.
By the way, what actually does an activities director do? Basically you'll pop in the video rental, be a fourth for bridge, a buddy.
If you do it well, we'll have trouble telling you from the other residents.
I can do that.
Good.
If you need me, I'll be in my office.
Oh, by the way, couple things you should know.
This is Mr.
Lewis.
He won't be any trouble.
He's just sort of, uh, quiet.
And, uh, that's Smokey.
He fancies himself a ladies' man.
Sort of the, uh, the rooster of our little henhouse.
Whatever you do, don't dance with him.
He'll put the moves on anybody.
Smokey, I want you to meet my daughter.
Ma! I have to go to work, and I don't want you to worry about me.
I'm going to say to you what you said to me the very first day you dropped me off at school.
"See if you can find someone who looks clean to drive you home.
" I'm sorry.
It just bothers me.
Oh, Ma.
Cypress Grove has a great reputation.
Did you see the story they did about it on 60 Minutes? No.
Short piece.
It was just Mike Wallace saying, "Sorry I bothered you.
" But did you see them? Some of those people stayed in front of that TV for eight straight hours.
Of course, throw in a bag of cheese corn, and I just described your Saturday nights.
Ma, Mr.
Porter had them resting, which is something you might want to try.
I don't like this whole deal.
Shady Pines - now, there's a home.
Luxury suites, tennis tournaments.
Want a massage? Dial nine.
And the food.
The filet mignon Oh, really, Ma? Shady Pines had filet mignon? One.
They'd throw it in the pit and make us fight for it.
What's wrong? I will tell you what's wrong.
I took Rose here on my shoot today, and they want to use her hands.
Imagine.
They want to use my face but her hands.
Can you believe it? This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.
Ah, how quickly you forget the 1964 Tokyo Olympics.
Big deal.
80,000 people had to wait 20 minutes.
The torch eventually got there, didn't it? Blanche, I'm confused.
So they want to use Rose's hands.
What's the big deal? Yeah, Blanche, so what? So life threw the dumb country girl a crumb for once.
I mean, you're sexy and beautiful all the time.
Let's face it.
You have Bette Davis eyes and Freddie Krueger hands.
Oh.
I have had it with you.
I'm going to my room, and I may never come out.
Is it the weekend already? Afternoon, Dorothy.
My, don't you look lovely today? Why, thank you.
Oh.
And don't you look, uh, beautiful, vivacious, exquisite and, uh, uh Let's see.
Breathtaking? Dorothy, you know, at some point I'm going to have to start questioning your sincerity.
When we get to that point, I'll let you know.
Can you believe it? I'm beginning to think Blanche is hung up on her looks.
Boy, you don't need lightning to strike you.
No, thanks.
Not again.
Once was enough.
An extra piece of the puzzle.
I'm the one who should be excited.
Imagine.
These hands that once reached inside a chicken for a breech birth will soon grace the pages of a PennySaver.
You've come a long way, baby.
(Sophia) Hello.
Oh, Ma, I'm glad you're here.
I got a call from Mr.
Porter.
He thinks you're pushing the folks at Cypress Grove too hard.
Big deal.
One little dance-till-you-drop marathon.
It only took ten minutes.
And what's this about their staying into the night doing homework? A lot of them sit around waiting for their kids to write.
So I said, "Why don't you write to our lonely servicemen instead?" I mean, we older folks have to exercise our minds, too.
And don't you forget it, Gloria.
Ma, Gloria is your daughter in California.
Uh, I-I knew that.
A mere dramatization to make my point, uh, pal.
Look, Ma, I know that you're excited about this job, but - It's more than a job, Dorothy.
That's it.
"Dorothy.
" When I see them, I see me.
Don't you understand? Of course I understand.
I know that your heart's in the right place, but No "buts.
" I'm not going to sit here while people are forced to throw in the towel.
Have you ever seen what happens to a person when their brain is allowed to disintegrate and their minds turn completely to mush? Hey, my middle finger's the longest.
Mr.
Porter, I came as soon as I could.
I'm glad you're here.
We've got a problem.
It's your mother.
What about her? I don't know where she is, where any of them are.
She took some of our guests out for a walk six hours ago.
Have you called the police? I'll tell them to be on the lookout for old people in Miami.
There's a lead.
Hi, Pussycat.
What are you doin' here? Ma, where were you? You said you were taking them for a walk.
I know, but we got halfway down the block, and Lucille said, "I want a cappuccino.
" The only place I know to get a really good cappuccino is Hialeah.
This is the final warning.
I don't want anything like this happening again.
Mr.
Porter, you hired me to do a job, and I'm gonna do it my way.
OK, that's it.
Charade's over.
What's he talkin' about? Sophia, you're not the activities director.
You're here because your daughter wanted us to keep an eye on you.
I'm afraid we cannot do that anymore.
Ms.
Zbornak, please don't bring her back.
Keep an eye on me? Is that true? Look, Ma, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This man is a patient here.
He could be dangerous.
Let's get out of here before he starts causing trouble.
Dorothy.
OK, OK.
I thought you needed looking after during the day when I wasn't around, and I knew you wouldn't agree to come here as a guest So you're saying that this whole activities director thing was a put-up job? Mostly his idea.
Oh, Ma I did it for your own good.
Nobody bothered to consult me about what was for my own good.
So goodbye, Mr.
Porter.
Goodbye, Dorothy.
Thank you both for making me look like an old fool.
(TV playing) Ma, what are you doing? I'm recuperating.
You're watching cartoons.
That's what you wanted me to do at Cypress Grove.
Besides, I like cartoons.
Cartoons don't lie.
Ma, stop it.
Is there something I can get you from the kitchen? Tea would be fine.
Tea doesn't lie.
Oh, Ma, come on.
Are you saying that you never stretched the truth with me? Those were harmless lies.
"All first-grade girls wear men's shoes"? I put bows on them, didn't I? You do the best you can with a pair of brown Florsheims, and this is the thanks you get.
(door opens) Dorothy, it finally came - the advance copy of our PennySaver ad.
Bet my hands are better looking than your face.
Bet my face is better looking than your hands.
Oh, ladies, ladies, can't we settle this with pistols? Come on, open it.
OK.
Oh, my God! What's the matter, Blanche? Oh, my God! Oh, come on, no matter what - Oh, my God! "Does your face look like this? "Do your hands look like this? You need Ponce de Leon Antiaging Cream.
" I'd sue.
Dorothy Zbornak, how could you? Oh, look, they have airbrushed liver spots all over us.
Tell me about it.
You guys look like you should be barking on the front seat of a fire engine.
I really would sue.
Oh, Rose, come here, sit down.
I just got off the phone with the PennySaver.
Now, I think I have an idea, OK? They have six delivery trucks.
By sheer coincidence, I know two of the drivers.
I'm not worried about them.
They won't show my picture if I don't show theirs.
Now, as I see it, of the four remaining drivers, only Agnes is a real problem.
Now, Rose, here's a part of the plan you may not like.
Oh, Dorothy, did you and Sophia patch things up? Ah, she's in her room, napping.
You know, it's so ironic.
I sent her to that home, and there she was vital and happy.
Now she's here, and, yes, she's resting, but she's behaving like those people at Cypress Grove - camping in front of the TV all day.
Poor woman.
Do you know what I think the worst part of getting older is? Your face? Rose's hands? No.
I think the worst part about getting older is that overwhelming sense of, "Where did the time go?" Was it really that long ago I was just a little girl? Oh, why guess? Lift up your chin, and we'll count the rings.
Dorothy, I was about to share with you a significant memory from my youth.
It was the evening my mother gave birth to Clayton.
In the spirit of the happy occasion, Big Daddy and a few of his cronies tied one on and went carousing through the streets of Atlanta, looking for some trouble.
Just then, as luck would have it, who rounded the corner but two smart-mouthed New York lawyers.
So, one thing led to another, and, well, Big Daddy and his friends ended up sort of skimming them across Higgins Pond.
It was all in good fun.
Least that was their defense.
Anyway, that was the night prohibition started.
Blanche, prohibition started in the '20s.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant probation.
Big Daddy went on probation.
And, uh, the point of this sordid song of the South? Just that sometimes a daughter has to look after her own parent, as unnatural as that may feel.
Well, it wasn't unnatural in St.
Olaf.
We not only took care of our old people, we revered them, honored them, put them on a pedestal.
'Course, that's how we got to be the broken hip capital of the Midwest.
That's a beautiful story, Rose.
Very inspirational.
Now we have to stop those PennySavers.
Let's go see if we can get your hair greased back and find you a flannel shirt.
Oh, great, great party, Sophia, but where's the junk food? I've got a great idea for free pizza.
Let's call up that 30-minute pizza place, tell them we're a bunch of college kids, and when the guy gets here, one of us grandmas will open the door and say, "What took you so long?" (laughing) Oh, it's great to have you back, Sophia.
It's good to be back.
I was getting tired of sitting home and feeling sorry for myself.
They may not have wanted an activities director here, but they've got one.
So what do you say? Let's get active.
( "In the Mood" by Glenn Miller) Hey, Mr.
Lewis, would you like to dance? Oh, I can see you've had lessons.
Hey, everybody, it's 10:00.
Do you care where your children are? (all) No! Oh, Blanche, there you are.
Where have you been? My plan with the truck drivers didn't work, thanks to Little Miss Strait-laced here, so I have been in every front yard in a six-block radius gettin' these PennySavers from the paperboys.
She was a woman possessed, Dorothy.
Caught some on the fly, scaled a couple of roofs.
And she had a brilliant idea how to avoid guard dogs.
You made her wear lamb chops again, didn't you? It's not like they slow her down.
Listen, have you seen my mother? (both) No.
I can't find her.
She's gone.
I ducked my head in her bedroom.
She's not th- That's it! She never does what I tell her to do.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out where she is.
I know.
I know.
Wait a minute.
It's true on both hands.
Look.
You put your right foot in Come on, get 'em in.
Get 'em in.
You take your right foot out Let's go.
Let's go.
You put your right foot in and - Hurry up, or we'll never get to the part where you shake it all about on purpose.
Oh, God.
They got into the medication.
Ma, what do you think you're doing? Oh, look who's here.
Everybody remembers my daughter Dorothy.
Or maybe you know her by her Indian name, "Dances With Nobody.
" Ma, come home.
I'll come home when I'm good and ready.
Ma, you have been sick, and I know what's best for you.
Now, I'm taking you home, and nothing is going to stop me.
Damn it.
I should've known it was you.
Please, Mr.
Porter.
I can handle her.
You haven't been able to so far.
Maybe I can handle her.
Who are you having a problem with? You.
Oh, perfect.
I know my every move.
These people are up way too late.
This party's over.
Everybody back to bed.
I danced tonight.
First time in 25 years.
Mr.
Lewis, you can speak.
How come you haven't spoken before? No one was listening.
Not until you got here.
I've been here.
Could've spoken to me.
I don't like you.
Don't you see, Mr.
Porter, you're not listening to these people.
You're only as old as you feel, and you're making them feel old.
And, Pussycat, you make me feel old, too, like I can't make my own choices.
Ma, I worry about you, and everything I did here, well, Ma it's because I'm afraid of losing you.
I understand that, but, Pussycat, give me air.
I know you love me, but maybe we can make decisions about me together.
Yes, Ma, we will.