Home Improvement s06e19 Episode Script

Yeah.
So he goes, "You should go out with me.
" So, then she goes, "Go out with you?" So, then I go, "Yeah.
You should go.
" And then I go, "You're an idiot.
" Come on.
We need to use the phone.
Well, guys, I just did my first oil change on the Healey.
Congratulations.
How'd you manage to stay so clean? She used me for a drop cloth.
And a shop rag.
Now I gotta change.
I had better call Harry.
I was supposed to be there five minutes ago.
- Take a number.
- No.
Brittany's not Heather's friend.
She's Ashley's friend.
Heather hangs out with Courtney ever since they came to school wearing the same pair of earrings.
I can't stand this.
When I want the phone, one of my strapping young boys is clucking like a hen on the phone.
I think I have a solution.
Brad, get off the phone.
All right, yeah.
I gotta go.
Later.
Mark, wait! None of you is using the phone until we work out a system of phone usage for you boys.
- All right, listen up.
- OK, it's very simple.
Each of you will be allotted You can't use it continuously unless nobody else is waiting.
These rules don't apply during peak times, 9:00 to 5:00 on weekdays, all day on the weekend, and when we are home.
Also, keep in mind, if you fail to use your daily allotment, you can't apply that to future phone usage.
Does that sound fair, Tim? I lost you after "it's all very simple.
" Go! No! Idiot! Delores! You want to get Tim another beer, please? I just got off work.
I'm starving to death.
And my feet are swelled up like a couple of bloated toads.
Is that a "yes" or a "no?" - Hey, I'll get it.
- Absolutely not.
You're a guest in this house.
You shouldn't have to get your own beer.
But I'm so comfortable as a gosh-darn guest here, I prefer to get my own beer.
Get me one, too? Heck! Why don't I get it.
- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, Tim.
- Need a hand? - I got it.
How you doing? It's been a long time.
Last time I saw you, you had the It's all healed, yeah.
- Hey, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
If you came by to watch hockey, it's not much of a game.
The Wings are down by seven goals.
Actually, I came in to hook the power supply up for the video phone.
- Video phone? - Yeah.
Dennis has one at his place.
He also put one in at the hardware store.
Yeah.
Delores loves it.
I call it "Must-Nag TV.
" I work for a communications company that installs high-tech systems.
Good company.
Last time we talked, you were selling real estate.
Yeah, he was.
But then he was a salesman, then he was a bank teller, and then a waiter Oh, and then he went into his human guinea pig period.
But he's found a career he really loves, right? Yeah.
It's awesome.
I mean, the technology's changing every day.
- I read a lot - And I'm smack dab in the middle of it! - Congratulations - I get paid for it! It's a cool job.
Boy, you're perky, Dennis! Yeah.
He takes after his mother.
Shut up, Harry! Do you install those automated-home systems? I install those all the time.
I can automate anything my customers want.
Yeah? What if I wanted to flush my toilet from the car? Then you'd be a strange, strange man.
You should have him automate your house.
Hey! Don't start, Delores! Tim doesn't like to be pushed into buying things.
Oh, yes, I do.
I don't think I could talk Jill into it.
We need is a second phone line.
I could put that in for you.
I don't know, Tim.
It's not a good idea having your kid work for your friends.
- That's what friends are for.
- Think you can do it? Sure, while I'm there maybe I can sell you on one of these video phones.
- Does this thing work? - Check it out.
- I'll speed dial the hardware store.
- Hello.
Harry's Hardware.
This is Al.
You know, there's just some things you don't want to see.
Just a second phone line.
That's all, right? - Yeah.
Just a second phone line.
- All right.
- As long as he's here - No.
- Can't we just try - No.
- Just think - No! No! - Home automated system! - No! All right.
I'll call and talk about a second phone line.
- Just a second line.
- But if we could just No! Never! Mark's on the phone.
What? He's been on the phone all day.
I told him an hour ago no more calls.
Mark, did your mom tell you an hour ago to get off the phone? Yeah.
Well, stop the girlie chitchat and get off the phone.
Big news! Katie likes Trevor! Katie likes Trevor? I thought Katie liked Justin.
And then Justin likes Chloe.
You gotta let this go.
Dad, don't you ever do that again! That was a really important call.
- Who do you think you're talking to? - Not my friends, thanks to you! Mark, I told you 45 minutes was the limit.
- You won't play by the rules? - It's a stupid rule! Stupid rule? How about three days without phone calls? - Dad! That's a - Argue with me, it'll be a week! This bites! Oh, yeah? How about three weeks without a phone call? That'll that'll "bite!" Three weeks? Don't you think that's a little extreme? - What would you have done? - Given him a warning.
You give me warnings all the time.
Does it ever do any good? No.
But I still have hope for the children.
Whoever did your last wiring job really didn't know what he was doing.
Well, that guy's not allowed to work around here anymore.
It's too bad.
Now all I gotta do is run the fish tape upstairs, hook it to the new line and yank it through.
Right.
I can give you a hand if you want.
You said "that guy" wasn't allowed to work here anymore.
Ooh.
Um oh, man! I got a customer that needs me.
I want to get that job done right.
I'm sorry.
Think you'll be OK without a second line for a little while? - You still got the first line.
- That'd be great.
I haven't actually used the first line since Katie started dating Justin.
This is ridiculous.
Dennis has been gone for three hours.
And Mom won't get off the phone.
Angela's probably married by now.
By the time I get to use the phone, my friends'll be in a retirement home.
Mark, quit exaggerating.
You don't have any friends.
Guys, listen up.
I think I can pull that second line down by myself if you help me upstairs.
I'll hook it on the tape, wrap it around, send it down.
Use the intercom to talk.
You distract Mom.
Big arms, big gestures.
Big hands! Big hands! Big hands! Big hands! Gotcha! Moving, moving Get in there.
Uh-oh.
Not a word you want to hear in this house.
- Brad.
It's hung up on something.
- I don't see anything.
All right, I'm gonna pull it back out.
We'll try it one more time.
Big arms.
The phone went dead.
Oh, my God! What happened? Well, looks like Dad just yanked away all our phone privileges.
Tim, why couldn't you wait till Dennis got here? I waited three hours! I can only wait so long having a hole in the wall! There's Dennis.
He'll fix it.
- I'll get some drywall patch.
- Hi.
I just came to bring Dennis his lunch and say What the hell happened? Tim tried to fix the phone.
Where's Dennis? He was paged.
He's been gone about three hours.
So - He left in the middle of the job? - Yeah.
But Tim tried to finish it.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dad.
Sorry I'm late.
Whoa! What happened? That guy showed up.
How could you leave my friend stranded for three hours? I got paged on another job.
I guess I got a little overbooked.
- He's here now.
No big deal.
- It's a very big deal.
You know you can't leave Tim alone with a hole in the wall.
- Told you so.
- Listen, I gotta get back to work.
Yes, you do.
And I'm gonna stay here to make sure you do it right this time.
- You're gonna breathe down my neck? - You're damn right I am! - Guys, settle down, please? - Don't have to be so tough on him.
Our walls always look like this.
Dad, would you just trust me to do this by myself? I'd trust you to screw it up.
- That's it.
I'm out of here.
- Fine.
Run away.
No, it's not fine.
Don't run away, Dennis.
I'm sorry.
I'll send somebody out to finish the job.
Make sure that somebody else knows what they're doing.
Aw, the hell with it.
Dad? What? What should I do? Take up the lost art of letter-writing.
Don't even think about it! I can't believe the way Harry went after Dennis.
He just went after him because he cares about him.
What do you think he'd be like if Harry didn't come down so hard on him? I don't know happy? Happy? What would the world be like if everyone walked around "happy?" A happy world? It's important for kids to be responsible.
Dennis was three hours late.
He screwed up.
It was Harry's job as a parent to straighten things out.
Like you tried to straighten out Mark? What does that have to do with anything? You were pretty tough on him about the phone.
Thanks to me, he's not talking on the phone.
Thanks to you, nobody is.
This isn't just about the phone, you know.
You heard him come down with that attitude.
I had to say something.
As the kids get older, the problems and attitudes are just gonna get bigger.
You have to pick your battles and be more sensitive.
You know, you probably are right, you know? Next time one of the boys smarts off to me, I'm gonna take him out for a nice little cup of tea.
And while they're buttering their scones, I'll ask what punishment they would prefer.
You won't laugh when you end up with a relationship like Dennis and Harry.
I have a good relationship with the boys.
I'm not gonna end up like Harry.
I know what I'm doing around here.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hidey-ho, neighbor.
What are you doing over there? Tim, are you familiar with the I Ching? Sure.
The "I Ching," the scratching, the chafing.
That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.
Oh, my! No.
Actually, the I Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom.
You ask a question about your life.
And then you toss these coins.
And you try to divine the answer from the book.
- I've got a question for those coins.
- Mmm.
Shoot.
You think I'm too tough on my kids? Might I inquire what brings that issue to the fence? In a word? Jill.
She says I should be more sensitive about how I discipline my kids.
Well, it's true the way you talk to your children now can have a profound effect on your future relationship.
I say some tough things, but not as tough as Harry says to his kid.
Oh! Dennis tells me that Harry has quite a lexicon.
Lexicon? No, he drives a Buick.
You know, I ran into Dennis at the coffee shop today.
And he was so angry at Harry, he told him that he was leaving town.
What? Just because of what Harry said to him? Well, I guess so.
You know, as Longfellow says, "A torn jacket is soon mended.
But hard words can bruise the heart of a child.
" You think I should have a talk with Harry? Well, let's see what the I Ching says.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yes.
It says "The situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against, and created by, the macrocosm of the universe.
" And there, my neighbor, you have your answer.
Yup.
Though I've forgotten the question.
Hey, Mark.
Mark, do me a favor.
When Mom comes home, tell her I went to Harry's for a minute.
Whatever you say.
I know you're angry because I disciplined you over the phone.
And because you embarrassed me.
You know, I probably shouldn't have done that.
But it gave you no right to talk to me the way you did.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Feel like playing by the rules now? Yeah.
You can use the phone as soon as it gets fixed.
When will that be? Well, very soon.
Provided I don't get anywhere near it.
My little sweetie.
You can dust yourself.
- Hi, Delores.
- What do you want? Well, I heard about Dennis wanting to move away.
And I came over to talk to Harry about it.
Let me get this straight.
You're taking it upon yourself to fix our family problems? Not if you're gonna yell at me.
- Tim, you're a marvelous person.
- No, no Would you like a beer? Some cheese and crackers? Can I glaze you a ham? - Oh - I thought if they talked.
If they Tim? - What are you doing here? - Certainly not what it looks like.
He came over because he's a caring, loving human being who recognizes the importance of family unity.
Are you drunk? I'm gonna leave you two alone.
Now, try and open that thick skull of yours and listen to what he has to say.
He's a lot smarter than he looks.
I want to talk to you about Dennis.
Look, nothing you can say could possibly change my mind.
Well, how about some words of wisdom from Longfellow during his itching period? He said don't "jucapose" anything in a "macroscope" in this universe.
Are you drunk? What I'm saying is your kid is about ready to leave your life.
- Is that what you want? - It doesn't matter what I want.
It never mattered what I want.
I wanted him to go to college, he dropped out.
Then I wanted him to learn the hardware business but he wasn't interested.
Maybe the kid's just looking for a career of his own.
You know, I think he's found one that he's good at.
- Good at? - Yeah.
He walked out in the middle of a job! I can't even begin to imagine leaving a customer waiting for three hours.
- How about three weeks? - What? When you forgot to order that grinder for me, I did the job by hand.
One mistake.
Well, the kid's allowed to make one mistake.
His mistake is he's got too many customers.
Too many customers.
That means he must be doing something right.
Yeah.
He was always good with his hands.
Why wouldn't he be? He takes after his old man.
Maybe I should give him another chance.
You bet you should.
Give the kid a call.
How do I know he's not already on a plane halfway across the country? Because I've got him on hold.
Pick up the video phone.
No.
Tim, no.
No, no, no.
I don't want to talk to him.
No, no, no, no Hey, hey, Dennis.
Hi.
Hi.
Look, I'm sorry I came down so hard on you.
My screen's a little fuzzy.
For a second there I thought you were my father.
I mean it.
Look, I don't want you moving away.
It would upset your mother and it would upset me, too.
And it would really upset me because I got that big hole in my wall.
You know what you need? A responsible professional to help you out.
And I think I know just the guy.
Thanks, Dad.
Tool Man, I'm gonna glaze you that ham.
Glaze away, baby.
- Hi.
- Welcome back to Tool Time.
We're here with home communication expert, Dennis Turner.
Today we're talking about the fully automated house.
Heidi, let's show them our fully automated house.
Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
- You're welcome.
Actually, this is a mock-up of an automated house.
Wow, now you tell me! I had half my stuff moved in there already.
The home is controlled by a touch screen, hooked into a central computer.
Right.
The touch of your finger can turn on air conditioning, - your stereo - Or your lights.
- Red lights? - Oops, wrong district.
Well, the great thing about an automated house is that you can customize it to your personality.
This is like an automated doll house.
Of course Al would have an automated dull house.
What would be so great about your automated house? Yeah? I'll show you.
In my house, let's say I want my plants to have perfect sun.
Press this plant icon, and my house rotates from a northern exposure to a beautiful sunny western exposure.
Well, I wouldn't want to be living in a spinning house.
Who invited ya? Here's a good one.
If your neighbors put on a two-story addition.
You can't even see the stockyards anymore.
Press this.
And your house rises to the occasion.
"When you get the paper, honey, watch that first step.
It's a mean one.
" This feature is also good for keeping away pesky door-to-door salesmen.
And speaking of keeping people away from you when the mother-in-law comes, perfect opportunity to use the automated house.
She's not getting in here.
No way.