Modern Family s06e19 Episode Script

Okay, Gloria just make sure Jay doesn't find out.
- [Beeps.]
- Oh, boy! [Chuckling.]
I just heard that.
You probably think there's something between me and Gloria.
Relax.
I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.
Jay's grill was delivered.
She's keeping it under wraps so I can be there when he sees it.
Oh, my God! I just got accepted into Caltech.
- You did? - That is incredible! We're gonna have a famous scientist in the family! Uh, not that there's any shame in learning a trade.
Air conditioners are always gonna break.
I looked into it.
It's a lot of classes.
Honey, that is unbelievable.
It's hardly unbelievable.
Super-smart kid, super-smart school.
I never doubted you.
- That must feel great.
- Yep.
Pretty great.
- What was that? - I think that was my fault.
- Me too.
Why? - I do this all the time.
She does these amazing things, and I'm so used to it I don't even make a big deal over Caltech.
I got excited.
Doesn't that count? Oh, honey, you get excited over everything.
You're a born cheerleader.
I I just need to make a really big fuss over Alex today.
That's all.
I know.
You're upset because I said that you were a born There's no such thing as a born cheerleader.
It takes hard work and sacrifice.
- You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? - Mm-mmm.
Ten obituaries.
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey Hey, I think my dad is really gonna enjoy returning his gift this year.
Mitchell, I have some really sad news.
Yes, you seem very broken up.
Apparently, I had an uncle, uh, Cyrus who died and out of the blue left me a pretty handsome sum.
I-I guess he didn't have a lot of other kin.
Okay, this is the one time I don't mind you saying "kin.
" Now when you say "handsome" are we talking carpool dad at Lily's school or are we in a more Clooney-Pitt area? Mmm.
I would say more Harry Hamlin.
Oh.
Well, that's not bad at That's not bad at all.
[Chuckles.]
You know, and this is crazy, because, um I just saw that the upstairs unit went back on the market and Harry Hamlin would almost equal a down payment I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Look at me, spending your money.
No, Mitchell, it's not my money.
It's our money.
Is-ls this a sign, Cam? I mean, we talk about it all the time.
We should buy that upstairs apartment.
I don't see a reason why not.
[Chuckling.]
- This is so exciting.
- I know.
I'm really proud of you because there was a time when I wouldn't have even seen this check.
Oh, well, yes.
You know, I used to be quite the impulse buyer.
But I don't even recognize that guy anymore.
I love my new faux mink, Daddy.
I forgot which Gabor sister am I? You're Eva, the classy one, but listen.
We need to keep the tags on it, because it's going back.
- Well, then yours is going back too.
- No.
That's a hard thing, because the saleslady said I look like Dr.
Zhivago.
So, is that a birthday present for you or an extremely late midlife crisis? I don't think "extremely" is necessary.
It's on loan kind of a weekend-long test drive.
Wow.
I walk into a store, they make me leave my backpack behind the counter.
It's an old car salesman's trick.
They're hoping I'd fall in love with it and never give it back.
But I can't justify buying it any more than you can justify that hat.
[Door Opens.]
- A little early for tequila, isn't it? - It's for Luke.
Not sure that's better.
The last time he was here he was eyeing this bottle the same way you look at me when I wear that strappy sundress.
I do like that dress.
I am going to catch him red-handed and I am going to teach him a lesson.
But first, I'm going to refill this with water in case he gets past me.
We have a little time before the family comes.
Why don't you throw that dress on and - [Doorbell Rings.]
- Ah, damn it.
Andy, can you get that? Andy? Sorry.
I tuned out when you started flirting to give you some privacy.
[Sighs.]
I was seeing Haley for the first time since she came to visit me in the hospital.
She said some pretty heavy stuff.
If I'm your elephant, you have a shot.
That's what I'm trying to say, dummy.
[Andy.]
She didn't know I heard.
I tried for a couple weeks to forget about it and just go on with Beth but I couldn't stop thinking about Haley.
[Inhales.]
So Today's the day I'm finally gonna have the big talk.
There's a cooler of drinks out back! Help yourselves! Hey.
Where's Haley? Is she coming? The last time Haley informed me of her plans, she said "Ha, ha.
I'm going to Cabo, and you're not.
" [Chuckling.]
She's the best.
Get ready to see the best gift ever.
Happy birthday! It's a grill.
I got a grill.
You had a wife too.
Didn't mean you couldn't trade up.
I give you the Flame XL.
My client owns the company.
He gave me a crazy good deal.
That's plenty, right? No! Electric rotisserie! If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on.
But it's got all those doodads.
I don't know what to do with those doodads.
You're doing a great job of hiding your excitement about this gift.
Look, it's simplicity itself.
You just turn on the gas, hit the electric starter.
- [Starter Clicking.]
- Hit the electric starter.
Phil, you might want to lay off Oh! I'm fine.
Healthy as ever.
I'd know if you weren't, 'cause I just saw your skeleton.
[Gloria On Baby Monitor.]
Okay, Joe.
Time for a nap in your new bed! [Static.]
- Looking for something? - Aaah! Uh, yeah you.
[Chuckles.]
I just wanted to say what a nice party you put together.
The secret is to know what your guests want and I know what you want.
Hey, Luke.
Quick lesson.
This is a coaster.
It prevents rings.
Thanks to you and your Dr.
Pepper my teak end table upstairs looks like the Olympic flag.
- Think, Luke.
- Yes.
Think, Luke.
- Did you get it? - Yep.
Sweet Mexican treasure.
I was born in Florida, but thank you.
So you really think you're gonna buy it? I mean, it makes sense.
We're kind of cramped where we are.
There she is our little genius.
- She just got accepted to Caltech.
- Oh, that's amazing.
- It's not that big of a deal.
- [Claire.]
It's a huge deal! That school pumps out Nobel Prize winners the way my school pumped out stomachs.
Enough, Mom! [Scoffs.]
- Uh, what was that about? - [Sighs.]
I didn't make a big enough fuss about her getting into Caltech and now she's making me pay.
Well, if that's her giving you a hard time, I think you got off pretty easy.
Well, that's true.
That one never really went through a rebellious phase.
[Chuckles.]
Remember how wild we were? - [Chuckling.]
Oh! Were we ever.
- [Chuckling.]
[Sighing.]
Oh.
Were we ever? Not really, no.
You had your summer of the red Afro and I dated the whitest Puerto Rican on earth.
- Oh, Wayne.
- Yeah.
Hey, but it's not like we didn't separate and strike out on our own.
- Yeah! That's right.
[Chuckles.]
- Ahhh.
- Dad bought me my house.
- Ours too.
He loaned us the money for the down payment.
We never paid him back.
- I've always felt so guilty.
- You know, he gave us our down payment too.
Are you sure that wasn't a gift? Well, I never offered to pay him back.
I don't know.
And then he just gave me this bonus at work.
Oy! What he must think of me.
[Sighs.]
It's so long ago now.
Well, still.
I feel like I should offer to pay him back.
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no, Claire.
Because then I'm gonna have to pay him back and I'll be stuck in the same shoe box he bought me last time.
Mitchell, he's not going to accept it.
It's just a gesture.
We do it so we feel more independent.
- Just do it.
- [Scoffs.]
- Do it! - Do what? - Oh, nothing.
You're busy.
- Not really.
Phil's tinkering with the new grill - so you better collect some old photographs for the memorial.
- Oh.
- Do what? - Uh, well Um, you probably don't remember this.
But, uh, a while back you gave us some money for a down payment.
Very generously, I might add.
Yes.
- And not just 'cause it's your birthday - That's right.
But we wanted to at least make the offer to pay you back.
- Okay.
- Mitchell, what are you doing? I can't cash this.
Now, Dad, I You got to sign it first.
Okay, uh, in that case, I'm gonna need to get the pen back from Claire! - Got one right here.
- Oh.
Okay.
Hey, you.
Oh.
Hey.
I didn't expect to see you here today.
- How you feeling? - Better.
Turns out you don't even need an appendix.
I don't even miss it anymore.
It's like Circuit City.
Anyway, I've been wanting to talk to you about something.
This house is fantastic.
- I should have gone into the closet business.
- [Chuckles.]
Right? I'm giving him a tour.
Andy, this is Will.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
- I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
It's the hospital.
He's a doctor.
I met him the same day I came to visit you in the hospital.
- Isn't that funny? - [Laughs.]
Super funny.
So wait.
What did you want to talk to me about? Oh, just that this little heck-raiser needs to take a nap, but he's been fighting it.
Oh, I've got an idea.
Luke had the same problem.
[Yawns.]
I'm so tired.
Let's go to bed.
- Both of us? - Mm.
Together? Me too? Yes, because we are sleepy and it's nap time! Now wait.
He'll climb in bed with us.
Just give him a minute.
Okay.
- Since we're just lying here - Mm-hmm.
Do you remember when you - [Chuckling.]
Sorry about that.
- Oh! Gosh! Oh, gosh.
You're gone for two minutes you come back and find us in the big-boy bed.
I can only imagine what you're thinking.
That you're trying to get this little kid to take a nap? How smart is he? [Chuckles.]
- Say something medical.
- 20 CC's, stat.
Oh.
I don't understand a word, but it gets me going.
[Laughs.]
I mean, what kind of store policy is that? I-I can't return a coat that I put on one time at home? - Getting out of the shower.
- Yeah, you didn't help by pointing that out.
- What are you gonna tell Daddy? - Well, I guess I'm just gonna tell him I made a mistake.
You know, like I say, sweetie, honesty is always the best policy.
Unless and stay with me here Where would I go? I convince your daddy to wait on the apartment upstairs until I have enough time to sell your coat and, if need be, even sell mine.
Thanks for selling mine first, Dr.
Chicago.
If I'm reading this properly I'm supposed to put a lime in your mouth, salt on your stomach and drink it out of your belly button.
- [Cork Pops.]
- You wish.
[Exhales.]
That'll get you there.
[Coughs.]
Oh.
Whoa, Nelly.
[Clears Throat.]
Hey, pace yourself! This stuff is strong.
I'll know when I've had enough.
- [Sizzling.]
- Oh, hey.
I got it lit.
I could feel it inside the house.
They're gonna need dental records to identify those chickens.
You'll be singing a different tune once I pop on the rotisserie feature.
Get ready for these birds and your head to spin.
- That's moving pretty fast.
- Simple adjustment.
Oh.
That seems to have sped it up.
H-How about you skim dinner out of my pool? I'll get my old grill out.
Why is this even a setting? - Oh, hey! Hey, where the hell did you go, you coward? - Oh, what Just 'cause Dad took your money back, I'm supposed to give him all mine too? Yes, yes.
Because it was your stupid idea, okay? Oh, my God.
How am I gonna tell Cam - I gave away his entire inheritance? - I don't know.
Oh, hey! Is there a future doctor in the house? Yeah, I think he's upstairs feeling up Haley.
No, you, Alex Einstein.
Whatever you're doing, please stop.
- She's still mad.
- Yeah, so am I.
It's not fair, okay? Dad gave you the same amount of money for your down payment.
What? Jay loaned us that money? Oh, my God.
You don't know.
Yes.
Yes.
- Makes you wonder what else she's lied about, huh? - Wait.
I've owed Jay money for 20 years, and you never told me? I didn't think you'd want to take it.
I finally understand the invisible wall that's been between Jay and me all this time.
This is why we're not laughing about that crazy grill taking an awesome selfie with it, posting it on Instagram sending hilarious e-mails back and forth! "Remember when the grill went nuts?" "Oh, yeah.
That was hilarious.
" "You're hilarious.
" [Chuckles.]
So what? He's a doctor.
I could be a doctor.
I still have the white coat from when I worked at the Clinique counter.
- Hey.
So, Gloria says it's Joe's bath time.
- He just had one.
- What's with the robe, Hef? - I don't know who that is but I took off my shirt to protect it from Splash Gordon over here.
[Chuckles.]
Adorbs.
- Can you grab me that juice box? - Yeah, sure.
Anyway, like I was saying before remember how, when I was in the hospital - [Squirting.]
- Oh, no! Oh, man, this is gonna stain.
I need to take it off and soak it.
Uh, uh Well, you could put on my shirt.
It's hanging right there.
Oh, thanks.
It's a little boxy.
Do you have a chunky belt? Uh, yeah, I guess.
I'm kidding.
It's not like I'm gonna be wearing this for long anyways.
[Andy.]
Wow.
This looks bad.
And this looks even worse.
But there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey, babe.
You spill something on your dress? Really? That was your first guess? Yeah, I was giving Andy a juice box.
Mm.
Not to drink because I'm a man.
Okay, so I'm gonna go get a dress and some shoes from Gloria's closet.
- What happened to your shoes? - Nothing.
Okay.
I've been watching the two of you, and it's pretty obvious.
- Finally.
- You know how to make her laugh.
Anyway, I got Haley a little gift, and I want to write something cute on the card.
I thought you could help me, because Because you're not good with words.
Well, I'm a doctor.
I can't admit I'm not good at something.
But please? Yeah.
Fine.
[Sighs.]
Just write how you feel.
Something like "Dear Haley, I know how eyes work but I never knew how they sparkled until I" That could be macular degeneration.
Just write.
[Laughing.]
We need to sober up.
Right after I call an ex-girlfriend.
[Crying.]
I think I still love her.
- Hey.
Sorry we're late.
- [Mitchell.]
Hey.
No, it's fine.
No worries.
Um, so listen, my stupid sister - Look, I don't want that apartment anymore.
- Oh, me neither.
It's just I thought you had your heart set on it.
I did, but then you made such a compelling case.
Hey, Mitch, I got to tell you, I was really impressed with you paying back that loan.
- I'm sorry.
What? Excuse me? - I'm sorry.
I should be thanking you too.
I forgot about that down payment I helped you guys with.
It was so long ago.
- Anyway, yeah.
Nice birthday surprise.
- Yeah.
- You gave him my money, didn't you? - Your money? - I thought you said it was our money.
- Why would it be our money? - You didn't know my Uncle Remus.
- Wasn't it Cyrus? I think I would know the name of the saint that practically raised me.
Hmm.
I forgot to give Grandpa his birthday crown.
Wait a minute.
What's this? - Uh, does Lily have a fur? - Oh, boy.
Yeah, let's see.
Oh, it's from Schwartzman's, huh? The same store that you and Lily just love to browse in every Sunday after brunch.
Well, if you must know, it was a surprise gift for you.
Now it's going back, because you're a thief.
- Then I want to try it on.
- No! - I want to try it on.
- You'll just get attached.
It's a present for me.
I should be able to have a fitting of some sort.
Of course it needs altering.
Since when do you wear right off the rack? [Clears Throat.]
I'm just not comfortable with Vesuvius over there.
I hope you can get your money back.
- "Money back.
" There it is.
- Huh? There's a shadow that's been cast over this relationship for quite a while now.
Is this about that time you were sleepwalking and came in my tent and kissed my neck? "Somnamorousness" the condition no one wants to talk about.
You're right about that.
This is actually much more embarrassing.
I just found out you lent us money for our down payment.
So here.
Paid back in full.
- Phil, is this because Mitchell - No.
This is for me for us.
And though it may be long overdue, thank you.
You're welcome.
- Probably seems awkward, but - It's happening.
Could you throw that apron on me? [Clears Throat.]
- You're not sleeping again? - Oh.
Maybe we should have another pot of coffee.
[Chuckles.]
That's a weird word, huh? Coffee.
Coffee.
Coffee.
[Sighs.]
Amateur.
Doctor! I need your help.
I've been drinking this tequila, and I cannot find the worm.
I think I just swallow it.
That's very serious.
That worm could eat your insides in a matter of hours.
[Haley.]
Well, there must be something she can do.
Drink pickle juice.
The worm cannot survive in pickle juice.
- Is this enough? - Just.
[Moans.]
Thank you, Doctor.
- I'm feeling better already.
- [Will.]
You got lucky.
The only other treatment is to freeze the worm to death by lowering the body temperature with an ice bath.
I feel it inside of me.
No.
I think it's inside of me.
I knew we should've poured the tequila in your belly button.
That's why they have these systems in place.
Whoa! I heard an expensive car pull out.
I figured you were in it.
Oh, yeah, that was Will going to the hospital.
I just came to get my dress.
Oh.
Um, he gave me this card, but he writes like a doctor.
- Can you read it for me? - Mm-mmm.
No.
That sounds way too personal.
Oh, come on.
I visited you in the hospital.
- Just do it.
- Nah, I'm okay.
- Can you see if you can read it? I can't.
- I'd rather not.
- Can you even read? Can you please try? - I'll try.
Yeah, no, I'll try.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
"Dear Haley, I know how eyes work but I never knew how they sparkled until I met you.
I know how hearts work, but I never knew they could sing until I met you.
Love, Will.
" [Sighing.]
Oh, crap.
Really? I thought it was kind of sweet.
The doctor part, then it circled around back to you.
Why does he have to be so into me, you know? We met like two weeks ago.
A gold heart! Really? I just I guess I'm just more into the chase right now.
You know, like, the fun.
I'm just not looking for anything serious.
Well, it's good you know what you want before anyone got hurt.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Of course I have the receipt Ow! Okay, what if I didn't? Oh, there she is! Okay, everybody, I want to make a toast.
Oh, any excuse.
- To my brilliant daughter - So, not you.
Who worked for 12 years to get into Caltech the most prestigious college - Mom, it's really not a big deal.
- Oh, honey, wait, wait, wait.
You said yourself it's the best scientist school in the country.
Well, I most definitely did not use those words.
Congratulations, Alex.
We expect great things from you unlike some of the other children in this family.
Well, I snagged a doctor, so she must be talking about you.
Mm.
I'm very proud of you.
[Kisses.]
Okay, well, I haven't even decided.
I still might go to my safety school.
Great.
Now this.
If she goes to the other place, it's even more expensive.
It's not gonna happen.
Please.
She's just trying to punish me.
And don't worry about the money.
I got my bonus.
Yeah.
Wait.
What? What did you do? Did you pay back my dad? Please, please.
- No, no.
- Yes, I did.
- [Gasps.]
- Not that it changed anything.
Okay, don't be mad at Phil.
He's not the bad guy here.
He is.
Look at him, sitting over there like he's the king of the world.
What father takes money from his own children? Not like he needs it.
He lives in this palace.
Meanwhile, our whole family's sharing a bathroom the size of his closet.
- I know.
I've paced it out.
- Okay, what about me? My tears have barely dried, he stole my inheritance and I'm left holding the bag for two fur coats.
- T-Two? - I can get three seasons of use out of it.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, this might give you a chuckle.
That money you all paid me back - it's gonna cover the cost of that T-Bird.
- Ah! Isn't that funny how stuff works out? - It sure is funny.
- That's hilarious.
[Gasping.]
Oh! I can't.
It's too cold.
It's either cold for five minutes or cold forever.
[Shudders.]
Come on.
[Clears Throat.]
[Both Gasping.]
Funny.
I always thought I'd be found dead in a bird suit at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
You still will, buddy.
[Stammering.]
You still will.
[Camera Shutter Clicks.]
If I ever catch you drinking again your whole school is going to see this picture.
- Sh-Sh-She tricked us.
- I know.
As soon as we kill this worm, we're gonna get her back.
[Shuddering.]
There's no worm! Not gonna help, kid.
You're right.
I can't drown my problems in alcohol.
Well, you can, but that's water.
You're not really gonna turn down Caltech? Oh, please don't tell me what a great school it is how I'm gonna graduate in two years and they're gonna name a country after me.
You're feeling some pressure.
What if I'm the dumbest one there? Someone has to be.
- I could get there, be dumb, have a nervous breakdown - Hey, you're going.
I know you.
You've never backed down from a challenge your whole life.
Now I could lie to you and tell you it's gonna be easy.
Well, do that.
I'm vulnerable.
I'll believe you.
It's not.
It's gonna be hard.
But you and I both know this is something you have to do.
'Cause if I don't, I'll regret it my whole life.
I know, I know.
Yeah, that's part of it.
Let's take a ride.
Want to show you something.
You're not gonna drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you? Shh.
Well, I would still have my money if she hadn't tricked Mitchell.
Oh, and it's a shame you don't, Cam.
'Cause then you could buy another one of those coats.
[Phil.]
Well, I didn't get anything I wanted! Jay didn't even like the world's most perfect grill.
- [Explosion.]
- Come on! - [Sighs.]
- The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever.
You can handle it.
Do I have to? Heavy hangs the head.
You know, college might not be such a big, scary place if I drove up the first - Not gonna happen.
- Okay.
Your brother's in a bit of a spot money-wise and I don't want to embarrass him.
So how about if I say I'm giving you both a gift? That way, he doesn't feel like a charity case.
Oh.
Well, if it's to help Mitchell.
Thank you, honey.
[Shuddering.]
S-Still s-so cold.
Maybe some coffee would warm us up.
You have a problem.
So, listen, how about if I say I'm giving you both a gift? That way, your sister We'll take it.
Yeah.
[Cameron.]
Lily, we can get the hats.
Yay!