Home Improvement s06e20 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Hey! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Good audience.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to "Tool Time.
" I I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And, of course, you all know my assistant Al Borland! Thank you.
Thank you.
And welcome to our salute to engines.
Today we're gonna tell you how to put a little kick in your V8.
I'll tell you how I put a kick in my V8 vodka! We're talking about V8 engines.
We'll be showing you the difference between a stock V8 and a high-performance Indy car engine.
- Ooh - Yeah! And who better to talk about these engines than our first guest, a racing legend, put them together, ladies and gentlemen, for Al Unser! Great to be here.
Uh sure it is, son.
But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! Great to be here, Tim.
Yeah, I'm sure it is.
But I'm talking about the other Al Unser! Thank you for having us here, Tim.
Ladies and gentlemen, three generations of Al Unsers.
I'll tell you, this could get confusing.
What do I call you? - Al.
- Well, that clears that up.
I'm Al, Senior.
This is Al, Junior.
And this is just Al.
Well, you're never "just an Al.
" - Great to have you on the show.
- Nice to meet you, Mr.
Borland.
Oh, please! Let's not be so "form-Al.
" You see, around Tool Time we're pretty "casu-Al.
" Keep that up and "A'll" be ripping up your contract.
What brings you gentlemen to the big Motor City? Al's doing some testing at the Michigan International Speedway.
And Al's gonna be going with me.
And Al is doing some go-cart racing.
Uh, there Al that Al.
You must be pretty proud of the boy.
My older son gets his license today.
- Cool! - Congratulations.
It's a big day.
- Have a cigar.
- Yeah.
Enough shilly-shallying.
Let's talk engines.
"Shilly-shallying"? I'm "shorry" you had to hear that.
Come on over here, guys.
All right.
Just generally, tell us the difference between a racing engine and a passenger car engine, Al.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Um I'm talking about this Al.
Well, it's a methanol engine instead of a gas-burning engine.
And I believe the heads are made from "Al-luminum.
" It's my favorite "Al-loy.
" - Al should take it from here now.
- Which Al? That Al.
Well, actually, Al knows more than I do.
- Which Al? - Big Al.
- My Al? - His Al.
- Which Al? - Al's Al.
All right, stop! This - I got it.
What's your middle names? - We don't have any.
- Shoe size? - Nine.
- Inseam? - Thirty-two.
I got an idea.
Come here.
You tell us the difference between the engines.
I'm just a kid.
You'll have to ask Al.
- Al, help me out.
- OK.
- Good morning.
- There he is.
Ready for your driver's test? I've been ready ever since Dad woke me up at 4:00a.
m.
He was so excited he couldn't sleep.
Well, to get you off to a good start, I made you a nice, solid breakfast.
So solid you need a jackhammer to get through it.
I'm too nervous to eat anything.
I just want to get this test over with.
Me, too.
The sooner you pass, the sooner you can drive me places.
You know, he's not getting his license so he can drive you around.
So, you driving me to the movies tonight? Forget it.
You kids want everything handed to you on a platter.
Oh, yeah, Brad.
Times have changed since you were a kid.
Just don't bug me.
I gotta relax.
Just hope I pass this test.
You'll do fine.
If you don't pass this time, you can take it again.
Ooh, bite your tongue.
- What do you mean "if he doesn't pass?" - Tim, don't pressure him.
Taylor men have always passed their driver's test first time out.
Except your Uncle Marty.
First Taylor to break tradition.
And to this very day, he's been hounded constantly.
- By who? - Me.
Let's get out of here.
Hanging around here makes me more nervous.
Just relax.
Relax.
Relax.
You're gonna pass this test with flying colors.
If you don't, your father won't hound you.
That's what we're here for.
I'm sorry, Patty.
We'll have to meet your boyfriend another time.
Brad's taking his driver's test today.
Yeah, if he passes, we're gonna go out and celebrate.
Oh, good! There's Brad and Tim.
I'll call you back.
Bye! - The tradition continues! - I passed! So did I! I took the test again just for the hell of it.
I am so proud of you.
Congratulations! - How do you feel about me? - Words can't describe it.
Let me see.
You have one of the most important documents you'll ever receive.
- Yeah? What about his marriage license? - Like I said We're gonna celebrate tonight.
So, you get to pick the place.
Actually, I told some guys I'd go out and celebrate with them if I passed.
- Oh.
- You don't mind, do you, honey? - I guess not.
- So, where are we going? Like I said, it's me and the guys.
You don't mind, do you, honey? We're going to the basketball game and then for pizza.
- I got the Nomad, right? - Have fun.
Wait, wait, wait! Just that? Have fun? - You're not gonna lay down rules? - I'm getting to that.
All right.
Obey all traffic laws, especially no speeding.
Keep that seat belt fastened.
No kids drinking, smoking.
No sex, no drugs.
- Or anything else.
- What else is there? Plenty.
Alright.
No oval shots in parking lots or doing doughnuts in people's lawns.
And absolutely, absolutely no mooning while the car's in gear.
- What about when it's not? - Use your best judgment.
Look, this is kind of a scary thing for a mom, her son's first night out driving.
So, I want you to call me at 8:00 on the dot to let me know you're OK.
- Alright, fine.
- In by 11:00? - 10:00.
- 10:00? My normal curfew's at eleven.
You want to be treated like an adult, do what your mother tells you.
- Hi, girl.
- Hi.
Oh.
This is Doug.
This is Jill.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
- This is Tim, Doug.
- Tim Taylor.
- Nice to see you.
- I'm glad you could make it.
Brad decided to drive his friends to the basketball game.
He said that he's gonna call here right at 8:00 sharp.
So, if this phone rings, will we hear it? Jill, there's nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not nervous.
- Brad? Oh? - No, no, no.
Oven timer.
- OK, OK, yes.
I'm a little jumpy.
- Yeah.
I don't know why.
I just have a feeling something bad's gonna happen.
He'll be fine.
Our son got his driver's license today.
Whoa! The most important document he'll ever receive, huh? Alright.
You know, I think I like this guy you're dating.
Oh, good.
Because your approval means everything to me.
Jill, what can I get you to drink? Oh, red wine, white wine, anything, whatever liquor.
- Tim? - Um a light scotch.
Scotch for "The Tool Man.
" I gotta tell you, everybody at work loves your show.
- Where do you work? - I'm a general contractor.
No kidding? Doug is helping build Stan's Polish restaurant in Highland Park.
- I love those kielbasas, boy! Yeah.
- Yeah.
I hope you're putting a heavy-duty exhaust fan in that bathroom.
Oh, yeah.
I put a 115-volt ball-bearing motor with an auto reset.
Oh, yeah! That'll suck the fumes right out of ya! The guy knows his ventilation.
That's what I look for in a guy.
Oh, thank you.
So, your son just got his license, huh? Oh, yeah.
There's nothing like a guy's first night with a car.
- I'll never forget mine.
- Why? What was it like? Well, I had a '66 Lincoln.
- With the suicide doors! - It was a tank.
We crammed about 14 people into it and drag raced a buddy into the next county.
We had to be going 120 miles an hour.
A hundred-and-twenty miles per hour? Well, we slowed down to moon the pedestrians.
I think we've heard enough about your first night out.
Wait, let me tell you about mine.
I had this old Catalina.
It had a big 421, marvelous car.
Packed my buddies in, drove around figuring out what to do.
We decided we were gonna race a freight train.
So, we get Then we realized we had all these overdue books that should go back to the library.
And, uh then went over to my Aunt Winnie's for Bible study and hot chocolate.
Well, there you go.
It's after 8:00.
Brad still hasn't called.
It's 8:03.
Why are you so worried? Two words, "freight train.
" First, freight trains don't run around here anymore.
And second, Brad is a lot more responsible than I was at his age.
- You know, that's true.
- Yes.
Brad's pretty calm and rational.
Just like me.
That's Brad! Since it's my apartment, it might be for me.
Hello? OK.
Just calm down.
Tell me everything that happened.
It's Brad.
What is it? What's wrong? Mother, if you just had a root canal, why are you eating Gummy Bears? Stop obsessing.
You'll make yourself sick.
Mom, you have to hold on.
I've got another call.
Hello? Oh, my God! I knew it! Something's happened to Brad! A baby girl? My son had a baby girl.
That was a very good meal, Patty.
Don't you think so, Jill? Oh, yeah.
Really, really good.
OK.
I know why he hasn't called.
He was on his way to the game.
One of the other kids said, "Let's go to a party.
" So, now they're smoking dope and driving a 180 miles an hour with their butts all smushed up against the windows.
Well, you know, the Nomad's the perfect car for it.
Lots of big windows.
Yeah! How can you joke at a time like this? Where was that phone call? It's not like him not to call.
It's a big night for him.
He's probably looking for a phone.
I know what we should do.
We should call the school and have him just paged at the basketball game.
Well, that would go over big.
Johnson shoots a three-pointer.
What a shot that was! Look at oh, hold on a minute.
Yeah.
Yup.
Yup.
OK.
Brad Taylor, your mommy's on the phone.
I know something's wrong.
- It's just a mother's instinct.
- Mother's paranoia.
Don't dismiss my feelings.
Would you like to be dismissed? Yes, I would.
Help me out here, Doug.
Tell her she's overreacting, please.
It's a little stuffy in here.
Why don't I check the ventilation? The air is fine! The only problem is Brad might be in trouble.
- And Tim doesn't care.
Right, Patty? - You're right.
I detect a little airborne mold.
That had better be him.
Hello? Hi, Brad.
There he is.
Everything's all right.
- Uh-huh.
- Is everything OK? Hold on.
Uh Brad's been in a little accident.
Oh, god! All you're saying is that you bumped the car into a telephone pole? No, honey.
The important thing is that nobody got hurt.
- Thank God.
- Listen, we're gonna come right home.
OK.
We love you.
Bye-bye.
- I am so relieved.
- So am I.
How's the car? I don't know.
I didn't ask him.
- What do you mean? - Who cares about the car? - It's a classic Nomad.
- I was more concerned about our son.
I was concerned, but he's OK.
I just wanna know the damage.
Well, it couldn't be as bad as when you dropped that three-ton beam on it.
Wait.
You dropped a beam on a classic Nomad? Yeah, yeah.
You know the up side was I got to cherry it out, I dropped a big block in it.
- Oh, man! I sure hope that car's OK.
- Doug.
Shut up.
- Doug, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, same here.
- Bye.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- I'm glad Brian wasn't hurt.
- His name is Brad.
It rhymes with Nomad.
That's how I remember.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
You hit a car? Yeah.
I rear-ended a guy over on Woodworth.
How come you told Mom and Dad you hit a pole? Because I enjoy breathing? The guy said if I gave him $400, he wouldn't tell.
- And you're off the hook? - Exactly.
As soon as you guys loan me $200.
Well, don't you mean us kids? Yeah.
What do we get out of it? We get Brad to be our personal chauffeur.
Hey! Maybe he could wear a uniform and a little hat.
I like it.
Oh, Brad! I'm glad you're all right.
- You're all right? Sure? - Yeah.
Oh, boy! Well oh, it's not as bad as I thought.
Just the bumper here.
A broken headlight.
Is this green paint? You said you hit a phone pole.
Yeah.
The pole was green.
The color of money.
I'm really sorry.
Take the money out of my account and pay for the bumper.
That's all right.
It's just a minor deal.
Eddie owes me a favor down at the body shop.
You gotta be more careful, Brad.
Next time this could be a serious accident.
Honey, this was a fluke.
He's a great driver.
It's not like he hit a car, right? Right.
Thanks for the ride.
As soon as I get a snack, I'm gonna need another lift.
- Now where am I taking you? - I don't know.
Surprise me.
I love the way you're driving your brother around.
It's a big help.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I'm doing it.
To help you.
Well, thanks.
Listen, guys, I have to go to school.
Oh, we never got to celebrate you getting your license.
So, why don't we take you to dinner tonight? - You don't have to do it.
- I know.
I want to.
I mean, you had a little accident.
But, you were honest about it.
You learned something from it.
Ultimately, it had a positive effect.
Yes, it has.
OK.
I'll see you guys later.
Hello? No.
Mr.
Taylor's not here.
Can I take a message? Uh, yeah.
George Preston.
Attorney for Michael McGrath.
McGrath! Give me that! Yes, this is Mr.
Taylor.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
My son's accident.
He told me that was all settled.
Whiplash?! No way! Uh, actually, I'll talk to my son about that, sir.
Thank you.
Sounds like your son's in a bit of trouble.
Hey, Wilson.
What are you doing? Well, hi-ho, Taylor teen.
I am sculpting a shrine out of yak butter.
- Yak butter? - Mm-hmm.
It spreads so much easier than yak margarine.
Actually, making shrines is a traditional way of celebrating the Buddhist prayer festival of Tibet.
Yeah.
I've been doing some praying of my own.
I dented somebody's car.
I'm praying my dad doesn't kill me.
You hit a car? Your father told me you hit a pole.
- That's what I told him.
- Oh.
I didn't want him to get mad and take my license away.
Well, Brad, what makes you think he would've been so strict? - Driving's everything to my dad.
- Hmm.
He was the youngest member to ever join Triple A.
Well, I know that.
I saw the slides of his first emergency roadside service.
I'm gonna need a pretty big tow truck to pull me out of this mess.
So, you're saying that if your father found out you hit another car, he would view that as an unforgivable offense? Yeah.
Well, Brad, it seems to me he might consider lying a far worse offense.
So either way, I'm in deep yak butter.
You know, Brad, the novelist Han Suyin had some very choice words for situations like this.
"Truth, like surgery, might hurt.
But it cures.
" Yeah.
My mom and dad also have a few choice words for situations like this.
But, I'm not allowed to say 'em.
Dad, I need to talk to you about something.
- I think I know what you're gonna say.
- You do? Yup.
For dinner tonight, you want a big steak.
Thick and fatty.
A big baked potato, smothered in sour cream and butter.
And a three-pound onion loaf.
- Actually - Hey, guys.
Brad, where do you want to go to dinner tonight? No girlie salad bar.
This boy is screaming for meat.
Look, I need to talk to you guys about the accident I had.
I didn't hit a pole, I hit a car.
- You hit what? - Why didn't you tell us? Well, I didn't want you to get mad at me and take my license away.
You thought you'd lie and get away with it? I guess so.
Plus the guy said if I gave him $400, he'd forget the whole thing.
- What guy? - The guy in the other car who's suing.
- What? - Wait! Wait! Back the sue canoe up here! I need the whole story, the truth right now.
The guy in front of me hit his brakes.
I couldn't stop fast enough, so I swerved and bumped into him.
He said he was fine.
But his lawyer called today, he's suing us says he has whiplash.
- I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.
No one gets whiplash.
It's just a scam.
No.
I mean about Brad.
I can't believe that you lied to us.
I'm sorry.
Well, sorry doesn't cut it! We gave you the keys to the car and our trust.
- You blew it.
- What if this had been a big accident? If somebody was killed or hurt, would you have kept that from us? Look, I know I made a mistake.
And I'm ready to accept the consequences.
Good! - You're not driving for 30 days.
- Thirty days? That sounds fair.
What did I tell you? Mother's instinct.
First night out driving, has an accident, tells a big fat lie.
Well, at least we got them both all out in one night.
He's got years of driving ahead of him.
And we still got two kids to go.
When the other boys are driving, will you be a nervous wreck? No.
Just when I have an instinct.
- Well, when will that be? - I don't know.
That's why they call it an instinct.
Don't you have any worries about our boys driving? Of course I have worries about them driving.
I'm worried they'll be as bad a driver as I was at that age.
That story I told you at Patty's about going to the library - Yeah.
- It wasn't true.
- Yeah.
I figured that out.
- What gave it away? Tim, have you ever been near a library? Yes.
Well, the parking lot.
That's where I learned to do donuts.
Welcome back to the final day of "Engine Week" here on Tool Time.
To end it with a bang, we brought back our special guests - you met earlier in the week.
- Yes, we did.
This time I made a few changes to make this show easier to follow.
Let's bring out the Al's.
Come on, everybody! No confusion now.
You have Big Al, Little Al, Norm-Al.
And, of course Abnorm-Al.
I don't think so, Tim.