Modern Family s06e20 Episode Script

[Knocking.]
Hey, Dad.
What do you think of the picture on my new Costco card? You've never put your actual face that close to mine.
- Jay thinks that - Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Let him answer.
Uh Okay, you look good.
This looks nothing like me! Maybe 'cause you're not yelling in it.
I look at this, and I'm like, "What the hell? Where's the sparkle? Where's the guy that scored the winning touchdown and was carried off by his team?" This guy looks like he was carried off by the current.
Ah.
I have half a mind to cut this up and never go back there.
Maybe you can use one of the scissors from the eight-pack that we bought.
Hey, Jay, you feeling it? You ready to knock down some pins? Oh, great.
Gray and wrinkled like my tired puss.
It's my league finals and Jay agreed to fill in for our star bowler, Maurice who's recovering from a groin pull.
An actual groin pull not the party on Fire Island.
I don't know, Cameron.
I'm-I'm really not feeling it tonight.
Well, you better start feeling it soon.
We need to win so I can stick it to that smug Martin Sherman.
- Who's Martin Sherman? - Only my archrival.
I thought your rival was that blond Christmas caroler.
No, it's the Spanish teacher at his school.
Cam has lots of rivals especially if you count that bag boy.
I told you never say his name.
I didn't say his name.
I don't know his name.
It's Todd.
Always putting my canned goods on top of my produce.
I'd like to squash his squash.
Okay, let's go.
Hopefully, we won't be out too late tonight.
- We will! - Uh-huh.
Yeah, right.
Ten dollars says you guys will be home in bed before we are.
No, no, no, no, no.
You two will be sleeping and Gloria and Haley and I will still be dancing.
This one? Joe tucks her in.
How would you know? You go to bed right after you get mad at the news.
Yeah, it's you two that are keeping us down.
But not tonight.
Tonight, we are going out big.
- [Humming.]
- Oh, yeah! Yes, you're very hip.
That's the theme song to the Antiques Roadshow.
He's right.
That's embarrassing.
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey Great house, huh? And you can't beat the location mainly 'cause I live right there.
- [All Chuckle.]
- We love the house.
Great! But I could never live across the street from that pornographic statue.
Oh! Huh! I never noticed it.
Yeah.
You could see it from inside when you look out the window.
I didn't Are you talking about that one? [Woman.]
It's quite large.
I'll take your word for it.
I've had this listing for two months and I can't move it because of the statue across the street.
It's called Marble with Wood and let's just say it's made entirely of marble.
We've got to do something about this.
It's obscene.
That's what they said about The Catcher in the Rye - when it first came out.
- You're not helping.
- Why don't we knock on the door and talk to him? - I tried.
Yeah, the guy's a jerk.
I told him how much it bothered us.
- It only seemed to please him.
- [Sighs.]
I'm not gonna lie It makes me feel bad about my body.
I don't feel comfortable letting my kids play out here.
- Our kids.
- Paul, please.
Art is subjective.
Some people would love this.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? [Claire.]
Here they come.
The statue.
Oh.
God, we hate that thing.
- You do? - Yeah.
I didn't make my money to move to a neighborhood where they put something like that on the street.
Porn belongs on a big screen in the bedroom or your phone in the bathroom.
Kids, go play.
Well, what are you gonna do? Well [Clicks Tongue.]
Guess we'll just get used to ignoring it.
I just wish he was more concerned with being a better neighbor.
- Yeah.
- Amen to that.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just about to grab dinner.
You guys want to join us? - What's that? - I said, you guys want to go to dinner? - How's that? - If you guys don't want to, that's fine.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
A-Are you saying no? - You know what? - Mmm.
- Sure, why not? - Of course.
- All right! Great! - Great! We'll meet you out front, 15.
I'll drive.
Oh, Claire, just so our outfits don't clash, I'll be wearing lizard.
- Ah, shoot.
Well, I'll find something.
- Okay.
[Sighs.]
[Bowlers Chattering.]
Oh, don't you just love it the crash of the pins the smell of the rental shoe spray? Yeah, it does kind of get the blood going.
Oh, one small detail.
This is an all-gay bowling league, so I told everyone you're all gay.
- What? - You have to be gay to play.
Let's go meet the guys.
Uh-uh.
Forget it.
Not doing it.
- Jay, we need you.
- No one's gonna believe I'm gay.
Oh, why, because you're not flouncy enough? Jay, that's offensive.
There's all kinds of gays.
You've got your Broadway gays, your gym gays your twinks, your bears, your otters, your "Hey, girl" gays.
You've got your pups, your cubs, your chubs.
And most prominently, you've got your "average joes who you would never know are gay" gays.
What the hell is an otter? Lane 20.
White pants.
Look, you don't have to do anything differently.
Just be yourself.
You're gay enough.
Hello, Cameron.
I thought I smelled failure and cheap hair spray.
Oh, hello, Martin.
You're looking unwell.
Could you do that thing you did last year where you lose and then you try and throw a chair but not realize it's bolted down and wrench your back and then curse at me while I wave a trophy in your big red face? - Could you? - [Laughs.]
Boy, look at you.
You're all worked up.
It must have been a tough day assistant managing that Jo-Ann Fabrics.
It's a Michaels and you know it, you son of a bitch! Fine.
I'll do it.
I don't like that guy.
But what happens if somebody I know comes in here and thinks I'm living a secret life? Jay, trust me, if someone you know comes in here tonight, they're living a secret life.
- You make a point.
- Okay, let's meet the guys.
Guys! [Door Opens.]
Hey! I am in the best mood.
My Uber driver looked just like Adam Driver.
You guys ready to party? - Yeah, let's go! - Where? - Out.
Let's do this.
- Mm-hmm.
It's 8:30.
The doors don't even open for another hour.
- Well, then, what are you doing here? - Pregame! Mojitos and cosmos the drinks of your peoples.
All right.
Let's get crazy.
I'll uncover the cheese.
So we'll meet my friends outside the club at, like, 10:30.
- 10:30? - Yeah, the band doesn't go on until midnight.
- Midnight? - Okay, if you guys can't hear me now we're gonna have some real problems at the club.
- No problem.
- No, we're good.
We're good.
I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Does she think we're 50? No, no.
She's just really bad at math.
Whoo! Two strikes in a row! Familiarize yourself with the exits because somebody's on fire! - Okay, Jay, you're up.
- All right, Jay.
Let's get that first strike.
Keep your eye on the prize.
Imagine taking that bad boy home tonight.
- Huh? - Jerry I'm sorry.
I'm just off my game tonight.
- You got this.
- Who's your new guy? He's my husband's uncle.
Oh, you look confused.
A husband is somebody who loves you that you don't have to pay.
Damn it! That guy is not gay.
I could have you disqualified, you know.
- Of course he's gay.
- I'm never wrong.
My gaydar is highly sensitive.
For instance, I have to move it away from you right now before it explodes.
I'm keeping an eye on Uncle Jay.
- Okay, Jay - Don't worry.
I'll pick up the spare.
No, no, no.
We got bigger problems.
Um, Martin's onto us.
You need to flounce it up a little bit.
But you said that was offensive, remember? The otters and weasels and stuff.
You know what's more offensive? Martin winning.
So we need to get you lighter in those rental loafers.
What gave me away? I'm not handsome enough, is that it? Perfect.
Insecure and superficial.
It's a great start.
- Should we order a bottle of wine? - Yes.
Oh, no need.
Ronnie brought this big daddy from home.
Yeah.
Guy.
Hey.
Guy.
Oh, Ronnie, I'm sure he has a real name.
Yeah, it's Guy.
so nice to see you again.
- Hey, Guy.
- Hi.
I'm Guy.
Pleasure.
- Hi, Guy.
- Hi.
Oh.
Very nice.
2002 Harlan.
What are we celebrating tonight? Well, uh, we're finally having dinner with our next-door neighbors.
Well, you must be very good neighbors.
- That's so nice.
- Thank you.
- Oh, don't mention it.
It's nice to have you guys here.
- Yeah.
So how are the kids? Um Good.
It's a little intense right now.
Uh, Alex is freaking out about where she's gonna go to college and we're freaking out it's gonna be on the East Coast.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we get that.
R.
J.
's going to New York soon.
I think I'm gonna cry harder than the day I found out I was pregnant with him.
[All Laugh.]
Yeah, what's R.
J.
Got going on in New York? Well, we wanted him to go to college for business but he wants to do his music.
- Oh.
- So, long story short, he's going to Juilliard.
- Juilliard? - For piano.
- Oh.
- Well, mostly for his composing.
Kid can't hit the toilet, but he wakes up with symphonies in his head.
Right.
There we are.
Would you like to taste? - [Ronnie.]
Oh, yeah, please.
- That's a $500 bottle of wine.
That's like a hundred bottles of your wine.
[Swishes.]
Yeah, let 'er rip.
- Oh, I'm ready! - [All Laugh.]
Oh, damn it! [Clears Throat.]
Oh, come on, Cam.
Admit it.
Uncle Jay not gay.
Oh, my God.
You could not be more wrong.
Look, okay.
If he's acting a little weird, it's just because he totally likes you.
No, he doesn't.
[Chuckling.]
What did he say? Okay, look, h-h-he didn't want me to say anything because he's shy.
That's why he's being so awkward.
Cam, you're up.
I'm up.
I gotta go.
Hey, there.
This is for you.
Oh.
Thanks.
And this is for a little zing.
We do love zing.
- Be right back.
- Be right here.
Why is that guy being so nice to me? Well, there's been a-a new little twist in the evening.
And now there's one in my beer.
What's up? - I told him you have a crush on him.
- Why would you do that? I had no choice.
So you tricked me into coming here.
You made me gay.
Now I have a boyfriend.
All these lies just to win a trophy? - Yes.
- I respect that.
- [All Laughing.]
- [Cell Phone Chimes.]
Oh, those are my friends.
They're out front dropping off our wristbands.
- Oh.
What comes before part "B"? - Hmm? - Partay! - Hey! [Laughs.]
Oh, my God.
I've been holding that in for an hour.
Gloria, I'm not gonna make it.
You have to.
We talked so big to Cam and Jay that if we don't go out, they're never gonna let us live it down.
Okay.
Ay, or we could just blow it off, man.
No, Gloria, come on.
Get up.
Get up.
Come on.
Staying up all night it's in your blood.
You come from the land of coffee and cocaine.
You too.
Nobody likes to dance more than the gays.
Pretend you're on a float.
- Dancing.
That's it.
- Okay, dancing.
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna turn on some music here.
[Man Singing Pop.]
You know it's good This is good.
We feelin' right We party hard Oh, my "raise the roof" elbow's a little sore.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that must mean rain.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
Your kids give you that look too? Yeah, I swear I can't remember what their actual faces look like.
[All Laugh.]
This is fun.
Isn't this fun? To think it just took us all hating the same statue to bring us together.
What a world it could be if people would just hate more.
[All Laugh.]
Yeah, what are we gonna do about that thing, huh? It's not right that a guy like you can't even get his job done.
Well, we could start a petition.
- Yeah, or we could talk to our city councilman.
- Yep.
Or how about this? We take a rope, we tie it around the statue attach it to the back of my truck and drag it to the nearest dump.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah.
He'd love that.
[Laughs.]
I'm serious.
- Uh, we can't do that.
- No.
Why not? We got tons of rope.
Availability of rope isn't really the issue here.
It's-It's destruction of property.
- It's against the law.
- Yeah.
So? Ronnie, we live in a civilized society.
We're not those kinds of people, you know? Says the lady who, uh, paired my cabernet with fish.
So is there anything else I can get you? Nope.
I think, uh, we've had enough.
And that means two things.
I'm not done.
- [Pop On Stereo.]
- All right! Like the music! You guys really know And I ain't got a minute to waste I live my life in the fast I'm not getting good rotation tonight.
Certainly made my head spin.
Oh, what can I say to that? Hey, can I ask you something? What do you think of that picture? Doesn't look a thing like you.
Exactly what I've been saying.
Not the man sitting next to me.
- Rugged good looks.
- [Chuckles.]
Broad shoulders.
- Piercing blue eyes.
- [Chuckles.]
Hell, you're you're somewhere between Kevin Costner and Channing Tatum.
- Who wouldn't want to be between them, huh? - [Both Laugh.]
Okay, Jay, you're up.
- Thank you, Martin.
I needed this.
- Anytime.
[Man.]
Whoo! [Men Shouting, Cheering.]
Whoo! There's the real Jay! - You know it! - [Snaps Fingers.]
[Keys Clank.]
- Where's the baby? - Oh, I'm up.
I'm up.
- Hey, when did you get back? - Like an hour ago.
Oh, really? I must have grabbed a little disco nap.
I don't know what that means.
You sure you guys are up for this? - Yeah, definitely, definitely.
- Of course.
Why don't we go dancing another time, like daytime? Oh, you know, well I'm pretty full of cheese, so No, no.
If we don't go out now this is not about Cam and Jay making us old.
It means we are old.
This is about pride.
We need to prove that we can still go out and have fun.
Are you with me, Mitch? - Yes! Yes, I am! - Okay.
All right, let's go.
Can we get some coffee on the way? - No coffee! - No coffee! Oh, yes, baby! [Cameron.]
Our team had really found its groove.
We quickly eliminated the Pinafores and Alley of the Dolls [Man.]
Yes! Putting us in the finals against my archrival.
Oh, yes! In the tradition of Red Sox-Yankees, Ali-Frazier it all came down to the Britney Spares versus Martin and his Merry Men.
[Man.]
That's what I'm talking about! The tension was building.
Could somebody please take these fries before I eat them all? And emotions were running high.
Um, so, Jay, I just, um I just wanted to say that whatever happens, it was, uh, really nice meeting you.
Well, you too, Martin.
Uh, do Wondering I don't know W-Would you like to have dinner sometime or maybe hang out or-or something like that? Oh, geez.
You know what, I'm-I'm really, really flattered - Okay, I get it.
I totally get it.
- No, it's not It's okay.
I understand.
Thank you very much! Good luck! And just like that, Martin fell apart.
[Man.]
Come on.
By the last frame, it was all up to Jay.
Okay, Jay, we only need six pins! I don't think it's gonna be six, guys.
[Cheering.]
[Cameron.]
We won! We won! This is the fifth-happiest moment of my life! Adopting Lily, marrying Mitchell high school football championship [Voice Breaking.]
and sitting behind Sarah Jessica Parker at Wicked.
[Hip-hop On Speakers.]
- All right! - Whoo! Okay! Let's do this! Let's do this! Let's do this! - I can't do this.
- Me either.
[Whimpers.]
We're almost 50! [Sighs.]
The ride home, while less than a mile long, was interminable.
Whatever bridges had been built were burned like my fish was, which is why red wine was a Hey, honey, you don't have to defend yourself.
When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color.
She'll drink whatever's put in front of her.
Oh, great.
- They put lights on it.
- [Amber Scoffs.]
Stop the car.
We have to tear that thing down.
They're right.
- It's the only way.
- What? Now you're talking! There's the girl that I occasionally have sex dreams about.
- Yeah, that's true.
He told me.
- What? - No, no, no.
This is crazy.
- [Claire.]
Yes.
- [Phil.]
Don't do this.
- How many months do you want to spend trying to fight through some bureaucratic red tape to get that thing taken down only to be told there's nothing we can do? Stay in the car.
Stay in the car! - What do we do? - Here, take that.
Put it around.
- Oh, yeah.
- Through the loop.
Hang on.
Hey, hey, hey.
Pass it to me.
It's too short.
I gotta back the truck up.
- No! No! - Phil, what are you doing? Come on.
Open the door.
I can't allow this to happen! I'm a respected member of the community! - I'm on bus benches! - You're such a Boy Scout! Open the door.
Open the door.
I want that thing gone as much as anyone, but not like this.
I'm gonna take this truck.
I'm gonna go get some Froyo.
I suggest you use the walk home to calm down.
Once you have, you're gonna thank me.
[Claire.]
No.
Oh, my God! He's going back - Thank you! - [Gasps.]
[Phil.]
I thought I was in drive! Phil! Phil! We were awesome tonight, guys.
Do you think we're good enough to take on the lesbians? Oh, God, no.
[Chuckles.]
One more round on me.
Good match, Martin.
Oh.
You too, Jay.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I hope I didn't throw off your game at all.
No.
That's all me.
I do that.
I get ahead of myself create expectations, build them up.
Don't worry about me.
I'm going to see a life coach.
It is going to change everything.
Well, listen, I wasn't feeling great about myself tonight and you helped get me out of that funk.
And it wouldn't be right for me to let you leave feeling bad.
- Oh.
- You're a great guy and the reason I turned you down is because [Chuckles.]
It's much harder to say out loud than I thought.
I'm - I'm not gay.
- You're straight? - Who's what? What's happening? - Whoa, it feels good to finally tell someone.
For four hours, I've been living in fear that I'd be found out.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? Right.
Jay, thank you for admitting that.
You are a real class act.
Disqualified! You lose! Give me that! That's mine! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, champions! We're champions again! - [Giggling.]
- Let me out! - Oh, my God! Guess what, Jay.
You're my new archrival.
- [Giggling Continues.]
- [Martin.]
We won! Oh, my God! I feel terrible.
[Chuckles.]
You're too good, Boy Scout.
- Yeah.
- That's why you need people like us around.
Admit it you're happy it's gone.
I'm happy it's gone, but it's weird we're out here instead of inside with the lights off.
Well, it's called hiding in plain sight.
We just sit here and act like we got nothing to hide, and they won't suspect a thing.
Folks, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Someone said they heard a big truck run over that statue.
What? Well, we wouldn't know anything about that because we were at dinner.
- Mind if I take a look at your truck? - Hey, Buddy.
Oh, don't call a cop "buddy.
" They hate that.
No, that's his name.
I sold him a condo.
- Phil? - Yeah, Buddy.
The four of us were at dinner.
I can vouch for it.
If you're looking to solve a crime, this one here had red wine with fish.
- Oh, I did.
I did.
- [All Laugh.]
Sorry to bother you.
You folks have a good night.
You too.
[Chuckles.]
No more Boy Scout.
Looks like you're sleeping with an outlaw tonight.
Yes.
- Uh, we're in.
- Oh - No, no, I was talking to Claire.
- Yeah.
Are you saying you're not attracted to us? - No, no, no - No, no, no - No.
- No.
[Alex.]
It's unbelievable.
Mom and Dad are sitting outside with the neighbors they used to hate yukking it up like they're all best friends.
And why? Because there's wine? No.
Because of art.
That statue that was so offensive provoked a conversation.
That's what art does.
- It brings people together.
- Even if it's gross? One person's gross is another person's beautiful.
Wow.
That's really powerful.
Do you think this could bring people together? It's a self-portrait of my junk.
Never speak to me again.
Hypocrite! [Footsteps Departing.]