Roseanne s06e22 Episode Script
I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep
[blues harmonica.]
Hey.
How do you keep gettin' in here? There must be a hole in the screen or somethin'.
Where you goin'? George's.
That boring kid? I thought you hated him.
You must be thinking of you.
Hey, Jackie.
What kind of mood is my mom in? Great.
We just got our new stove.
Why? What are you up to? Well, David and I want to get matching nose rings, But he insisted we get her approval first.
Well, I didn't wanna, like, fall in love with having one, And have Mrs.
Conner force me to take it out.
You don't think she'll let us, do ya? Um- I don't know.
I mean, how exactly do they do it? Well, they take this long needle, And they put it in really slowly, And then they move it back and forth really quickly.
But you hardly feel it, 'cause the needle's so hot.
Man, that new stove is so cool.
Now we can finally cook the meat, Rather than just agin' it.
Mom, i'm glad you're in such a good mood.
David and I wanna go downtown and get matching nose rings.
It's okay, right? Yeah.
Just be home in time for dinner.
Not that you could have stopped us.
In fact, i'd like to see you try.
Hey, I think it's great.
Any time kids can express themselves non-verbally, I'm all for it.
Okay.
If you'll just sign here, i'll bring it in.
Hey! This is about twice the price you guys advertised.
Well, you didn't read the fine print.
We only sell the first 10 at that price.
You must be new at this.
No, i'm not new at this.
I've been screwed over before.
Well, I can take it back.
But your old one's not up to code, AndI'm sort of obligated to report that.
[both moaning.]
all right.
Bring in your damn stove.
Remember to lift it with your back.
Jeez, Roseanne.
That really sucks.
I got his pen.
Ugh, what a jerk.
Well, we'll see you back at the house.
Where are you goin'? To get the nose rings.
No way! But you just said we could! Yeah, but you sat here long enough for me to change my mind.
Maybe there's a lesson in this for you, young lady.
Oh, man.
Now we can't get the nose rings? I never get what I really, really want.
Well, David, you're not my kid.
So you can go ahead and get your nose pierced.
No.
Don't worry.
If she's not gonna let you get one, I won't get one, either.
Oh, that's okay, David.
I wanna live vicariously through you.
Come on.
There must be dozens of things we can pierce on you.
[theme.]
[laughing.]
Okay, Miss Harris.
Now.
You know what to do.
I'm gonna say "knock, knock", like i'm at your door, And you're gonna say, "who's there?" Like you're wondering who I am, okay? And then i'm gonna- who's there, george? I-I didn't say "knock, knock" yet.
Okay.
I'll start again.
Okay.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
[Jackie.]
Roseanne, george has got this really great joke to tell you.
I-I can't hear it again.
Last time, I about wet myself.
Well, gee, george.
I don't have a lot of time to hear your joke.
Only got about a minute or so.
Oh, that's okay- oops.
Minute's up.
Sorry.
Can I- can I just ask you one thing, Mrs.
Conner? Yeah.
How come D.
J.
never comes and plays with me anymore? What are you talkin' about? He says he's been over at your house Every single night this week.
Which has got to be a record for anybody.
That's funny, 'cause I haven't seen him In a really long time.
Well, that little boy is in a lot of trouble for lying to me.
Oh.
Now i'll never be able to come over? Don't you worry about it, George.
No matter how bad he is, yours is the one place He'll still be able to go.
Thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
Darlene, i'll let ya off work if you do me a favor.
Oh, forget it.
I am not gonna spy on my brother and rat him out.
What? I'm just kidding.
I'd love to.
Excuse me.
I've got your stove in the truck? What are you talkin' about? I'm sorry it's a day late, but- It's already paid for.
That's right.
Second stove.
That can't be.
Yes it can be, Jackie.
And I don't really think You should question a company the size of appliance station.
You know, they know what they're doing.
I'm sure they send out a lot of stoves.
In fact, they probably send out so many stoves That they can't even keep track of how many stoves they send out.
Is there some problem here? Hm? There's- no problem.
You have a problem, Roseanne? No.
I have no problem at all.
We are both problem-free.
Can you believe this, Roseanne? Free stove.
So, well, go- go get the stove, there, Mickey.
What are you waiti'' on, your pension? [clears throat.]
So I did it.
Whaddaya think, really? Because if you want me to get rid of it, I will, just purely out of respect.
I like it.
Are- are you sure? Because, you know, since i'm living here, I know my appearance reflects on this family.
No.
Makes us look good.
Hell, that there is pure gold.
In fact, from now on, i'd appreciate it If you'd be a-sittin' on the front porch.
Hey, dad.
You're never gonna guess what I found out about D.
J.
Wow.
I still can't believe you got that.
You're like the first straight guy i've known With the guts to wear one of those.
Hey, mom.
Uh, I followed D.
J.
around today, and you were right.
He is hanging with a new crowd.
It's even worse than you thought.
What kind of crowd? He's not doin' drugs, is he? No, no.
[laughs.]
he's goin' to church.
Church.
Church? Yeah.
I talked to the, uh Uh, head holy guy? And, uh, he said that D.
J.
's been there, like, every day.
Oh, god, no.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Now, church is good.
We support church.
Could be a good influence on him.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe he'll take after your cousin, Jessico.
Isn't he the one who, uh, Sent us the bible with every single word highlighted? No, that's his cousin, Jeb.
His cousin Jessico is the Elvis-impersonatin' preacher That clog-dances when he's filled with the holy spirit.
[sighs.]
oh, god, Roseanne.
You know i'm not good with religion.
Well, you better get good with it, Dan.
'cause we don't want D.
J.
thinkin' we don't approve.
Well, it's- it's not that.
It's just- It just gives me the willies.
You know my family.
They follow Pat Robertson around like he's the Grateful Dead.
[door closes.]
What? Where have you been going, every day after school? And remember, god will punish you if you lie.
Roseanne Well, hey.
We got it.
We might as well use it.
I've been goin' to church.
Well, so why didn't you tell us before? 'cause I thought you'd make fun of me.
D.
J.
, give us a little credit.
Why would we make fun of that, when we have the bounty that is your face? Okay.
Go out of here.
We wanna talk about this.
Dan? You wanna sit here and talk, too.
Well, I wanted to tell you.
I just had some questions about god and stuff.
Well, so why didn't you come to us, if you had questions? You know? There's no two better people to answer your questions Than me and your dad.
Okay.
What religion are we? I have no idea.
Dan? Well, my family's Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's, Your mom's mom was Lutheran, and her dad was Jewish.
So what do we believe? Well We believe in, uh, bein' good.
So basically, we're good people.
Yeah, but we're not practicing.
[phone rings.]
[sighs.]
will you mind if I keep going? No, D.
J.
your dad and i are real proud of you.
[phone rings.]
Hello? Uh, yeah! It's a brand-new, uh, industrial stove.
And we're sellin' it at a discount.
Well, see, that's 'cause, uh- Well, uh- see, 'cause, well- [chuckles.]
I won it on a game show.
Well, great! Great.
Then see you tomorrow! You were never on any game show.
I was too on a game show.
And if you didn't spend all your time down at that damn church, You would know that.
Dinner! [Dan.]
ahh! Dinner with the family.
Always a pleasure.
Now if you'll excuse me, Longest Yard is on, And I haven't seen it since November.
Ahh.
Dinner with the family.
How come we never say grace? Because, D.
J.
, grace is for those who are thankful.
Darlene, D.
J.
has a new interest, And we're not going to give him a hard time.
And I think saying grace is a wonderful idea.
Dan? Say grace.
It's not my turn.
I said it last.
When? Thanksgiving.
Christmas.
Start prayin'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This involves touching? Oh, lord.
We thank- thee- For providing this food- Which- we have gotten from thee- Thine chicken is particularly good.
Amen.
You know, I really like that.
You know, we've gotten awfully lazy around here, About our souls and such.
I think, from now on, we need to be as serious About our- our spiritual fitness As we are about our physical fitness.
[Darlene.]
uh, David.
Would you pass the goat's blood, please? Ignore her, D.
J.
she was just sent here to test us.
If you have any more suggestions, we'd love to hear 'em.
No.
That's okay.
No, come on! I think it would be fun.
Like, say, some Sunday, we could get up early, And i'll get all dressed up, and sit there on the couch And watch one of them church shows.
Well, there is one thing that's been bothering me.
It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much? Well, because, um- Well, sometimes it's real hard not to.
You know.
But If I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else.
So- So you see, i'm- I'm using a restraint.
And god loves that.
You wanna know why I swear, D.
J.
? Yeah.
Why? Shut the hell up! The truth is, D.
J.
, God only cares about what's in our hearts.
And he knows we're good people.
If we're good people, how come when we go to the movies, You make me lie and pretend i'm 11? Would you like to take that, Dan? Well, D.
J.
, there's a very good reason for that.
[sighs.]
We won't do it anymore.
This is so stupid.
We make you lie 'cause it's cheaper if you can pass for 11.
Same reason I make David lie.
And by paying less at the movies, see, We have more money to give to charity, later, And that's just what we're gonna do, one of these days.
Well- I don't think Darlene and David Should be having sex without being married.
Roseanne? David, would you like to take that? Um Well, you see, D.
J.
, Love is, uh, a holy thing.
Stop speaking, David.
Look, D.
J.
if you wanna ask anybody about anything, Why don't you ask her about the stove she's stealing? I am not stealing that stove.
Oh, what is it? A gift from the stove fairy? No! The company gave it to me, and it is okay to keep it, Because they are a really large company that likes to screw- Excuse me- that takes advantage of little people like us.
Look, I could care less if you're takin' the thing, But at least have the guts to admit That you are stealing a stove.
No! Because taking something- You know, is not necessarily stealing, If you have a real good reason For needing it.
Right, David? Uh, yeah.
Like if your baby was starving, and- You stole a loaf of bread for it, Or if a stove company accidentally Sent you a second stove.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I wish you'd just take it back.
Your mother is keeping the stove.
This religious discussion is over.
I'm sorry, D.
J.
I know it's hard to live in a house Where people's behavior conflicts with your religious beliefs.
Thanks, David.
So if you think our- our bodies are like temples, And shouldn't be violated by things like nose rings, Then- you know- just tell me.
No, I don't think that.
But I want you to stop having sex.
Dad, Darlene says we have some religious people in our family.
Oh, we did, D.
J.
but- God has taken them all away.
She told me about this preacher.
Jessico.
She said he's like our second cousin.
Actually, D.
J.
, he's the son of two second cousins.
I'd like to write to him.
Oh, no.
You're not allowed to write to him.
Why not? Because then he would know where we live.
Dad? Do you believe in god? Yes, I do.
Are you sure? Well, i'm not completely sure.
But i'm pretty sure.
I'm afraid if you're not completely sure, You won't go to heaven.
That's okay.
I prefer to stay with your mother.
But, dad, you really should believe- Listen, D.
J.
? D.
J.
, D.
J.
If you really wanna save someone.
You know who needs it? Your sister.
She doesn't believe in god.
Hell, she worships the devil.
I believe in god.
Do not! Dad? Me and Darlene really wanna help you.
Yeah, I gotta, uh, sand down on a door out in the garage.
Jesus was a carpenter! So, Roseanne, you got my cut for the stove? Yeah.
I do.
I'm just glad that thing's gone, Now that i'm living with Father Flanagan.
Wait a second.
This is way more than my share.
Yeah, I know.
But I started thinkin' about you and the baby, And all the stuff you're goin' through, And I guess I felt a little generous, you know, So I cut Leon out.
[delivery man.]
excuse me.
Uh, can I speak with the owner, please? It's about a delivery mistake, made about a- a stove.
Uh-oh.
So, what, are one of you the owner, or what? Uh- well, yeah.
But, uh- uh- This guy named Leon, he's the one that's responsible for all the deliveries.
Right.
Well, can you tell Leon that- We know the stove was supposed to be here yesterday, And we're real sorry about the delay.
Delay? Yeah.
But I got it on the truck right now, so- They're sending us another one.
Could you wait outside for a second? Yeah, sure.
We cannot keep doing this, Jackie.
Don't you see what's goin' on? God's punishing us.
They're gonna keep coming and coming, just like locusts.
No! Are you kidding? This is great! We're makin' way more money than sellin' these stupid sandwiches! We should just close down the restaurant, and sell their stuff! No! No! No! Can't do that.
Restaurant's too good a front.
[sighs.]
well, I can't make a decision like this.
Listen.
Listen, listen.
We will- we'll give it You know, in case god gives us a signal that it's wrong.
We got another one! [both laughing.]
That stove turkey's outside again.
Are they sending you another one? Yes, D.
J.
that's the power of prayer.
But you said you only took the other one to get even.
Wouldn't this just be stealing to make money? No! But, mom No, D.
J.
! You need to honor your mother.
And I read somewhere that that commandment Is way more important than the stealing one.
You're not gonna believe this.
What? They are delivering us a second stove.
A second stove? That hardly ever happens.
I was just talkin' to the stupid delivery guy.
He has no idea what's going on.
Oh, man.
That's amazing.
A guy has no idea what his co-workers are up to? [laughing.]
Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one? Of course not.
But you said it was only okay with god To cheat a big company who cheated you.
But you aren't giving Leon any of his money.
Listen to me, D.
J.
In the bible, it states: Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, And unto god what is god's, okay? It doesn't say one damn thing in there About rendering nothin' unto Leon.
But, mom No, D.
J.
! Would you get off my back? Even god took a day off! He's just goin' through a faze! He'll get over it! Oh, man.
That delivery guy is cute! Wait'll he finds out he's gay.
UmLook, Leon.
There's somethin' we gotta tell ya.
Uh-huh.
Um, this is the second free stove that they've delivered by mistake, And we sold the other one.
So Jackie, give him his cut of the money.
There.
Wow! Hey.
Roseanne.
You- you could have kept this.
And you didn't.
But here's the thing.
That third stove? That's different.
That can't stay.
You gotta tell the guy to take it back, or else I will.
All right.
[sighs.]
You're a more honest woman than I ever knew.
Well, as long as you feel good about yourself.
Oh, you'll understand when your kid's older.
At least now I can look D.
J.
in the face.
Fine.
But if they send a fourth stove, we're keeping it.
Well, of course.
We're not fanatics.
[folk.]
Hey.
How do you keep gettin' in here? There must be a hole in the screen or somethin'.
Where you goin'? George's.
That boring kid? I thought you hated him.
You must be thinking of you.
Hey, Jackie.
What kind of mood is my mom in? Great.
We just got our new stove.
Why? What are you up to? Well, David and I want to get matching nose rings, But he insisted we get her approval first.
Well, I didn't wanna, like, fall in love with having one, And have Mrs.
Conner force me to take it out.
You don't think she'll let us, do ya? Um- I don't know.
I mean, how exactly do they do it? Well, they take this long needle, And they put it in really slowly, And then they move it back and forth really quickly.
But you hardly feel it, 'cause the needle's so hot.
Man, that new stove is so cool.
Now we can finally cook the meat, Rather than just agin' it.
Mom, i'm glad you're in such a good mood.
David and I wanna go downtown and get matching nose rings.
It's okay, right? Yeah.
Just be home in time for dinner.
Not that you could have stopped us.
In fact, i'd like to see you try.
Hey, I think it's great.
Any time kids can express themselves non-verbally, I'm all for it.
Okay.
If you'll just sign here, i'll bring it in.
Hey! This is about twice the price you guys advertised.
Well, you didn't read the fine print.
We only sell the first 10 at that price.
You must be new at this.
No, i'm not new at this.
I've been screwed over before.
Well, I can take it back.
But your old one's not up to code, AndI'm sort of obligated to report that.
[both moaning.]
all right.
Bring in your damn stove.
Remember to lift it with your back.
Jeez, Roseanne.
That really sucks.
I got his pen.
Ugh, what a jerk.
Well, we'll see you back at the house.
Where are you goin'? To get the nose rings.
No way! But you just said we could! Yeah, but you sat here long enough for me to change my mind.
Maybe there's a lesson in this for you, young lady.
Oh, man.
Now we can't get the nose rings? I never get what I really, really want.
Well, David, you're not my kid.
So you can go ahead and get your nose pierced.
No.
Don't worry.
If she's not gonna let you get one, I won't get one, either.
Oh, that's okay, David.
I wanna live vicariously through you.
Come on.
There must be dozens of things we can pierce on you.
[theme.]
[laughing.]
Okay, Miss Harris.
Now.
You know what to do.
I'm gonna say "knock, knock", like i'm at your door, And you're gonna say, "who's there?" Like you're wondering who I am, okay? And then i'm gonna- who's there, george? I-I didn't say "knock, knock" yet.
Okay.
I'll start again.
Okay.
Okay.
Knock, knock.
[Jackie.]
Roseanne, george has got this really great joke to tell you.
I-I can't hear it again.
Last time, I about wet myself.
Well, gee, george.
I don't have a lot of time to hear your joke.
Only got about a minute or so.
Oh, that's okay- oops.
Minute's up.
Sorry.
Can I- can I just ask you one thing, Mrs.
Conner? Yeah.
How come D.
J.
never comes and plays with me anymore? What are you talkin' about? He says he's been over at your house Every single night this week.
Which has got to be a record for anybody.
That's funny, 'cause I haven't seen him In a really long time.
Well, that little boy is in a lot of trouble for lying to me.
Oh.
Now i'll never be able to come over? Don't you worry about it, George.
No matter how bad he is, yours is the one place He'll still be able to go.
Thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
Darlene, i'll let ya off work if you do me a favor.
Oh, forget it.
I am not gonna spy on my brother and rat him out.
What? I'm just kidding.
I'd love to.
Excuse me.
I've got your stove in the truck? What are you talkin' about? I'm sorry it's a day late, but- It's already paid for.
That's right.
Second stove.
That can't be.
Yes it can be, Jackie.
And I don't really think You should question a company the size of appliance station.
You know, they know what they're doing.
I'm sure they send out a lot of stoves.
In fact, they probably send out so many stoves That they can't even keep track of how many stoves they send out.
Is there some problem here? Hm? There's- no problem.
You have a problem, Roseanne? No.
I have no problem at all.
We are both problem-free.
Can you believe this, Roseanne? Free stove.
So, well, go- go get the stove, there, Mickey.
What are you waiti'' on, your pension? [clears throat.]
So I did it.
Whaddaya think, really? Because if you want me to get rid of it, I will, just purely out of respect.
I like it.
Are- are you sure? Because, you know, since i'm living here, I know my appearance reflects on this family.
No.
Makes us look good.
Hell, that there is pure gold.
In fact, from now on, i'd appreciate it If you'd be a-sittin' on the front porch.
Hey, dad.
You're never gonna guess what I found out about D.
J.
Wow.
I still can't believe you got that.
You're like the first straight guy i've known With the guts to wear one of those.
Hey, mom.
Uh, I followed D.
J.
around today, and you were right.
He is hanging with a new crowd.
It's even worse than you thought.
What kind of crowd? He's not doin' drugs, is he? No, no.
[laughs.]
he's goin' to church.
Church.
Church? Yeah.
I talked to the, uh Uh, head holy guy? And, uh, he said that D.
J.
's been there, like, every day.
Oh, god, no.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Now, church is good.
We support church.
Could be a good influence on him.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe he'll take after your cousin, Jessico.
Isn't he the one who, uh, Sent us the bible with every single word highlighted? No, that's his cousin, Jeb.
His cousin Jessico is the Elvis-impersonatin' preacher That clog-dances when he's filled with the holy spirit.
[sighs.]
oh, god, Roseanne.
You know i'm not good with religion.
Well, you better get good with it, Dan.
'cause we don't want D.
J.
thinkin' we don't approve.
Well, it's- it's not that.
It's just- It just gives me the willies.
You know my family.
They follow Pat Robertson around like he's the Grateful Dead.
[door closes.]
What? Where have you been going, every day after school? And remember, god will punish you if you lie.
Roseanne Well, hey.
We got it.
We might as well use it.
I've been goin' to church.
Well, so why didn't you tell us before? 'cause I thought you'd make fun of me.
D.
J.
, give us a little credit.
Why would we make fun of that, when we have the bounty that is your face? Okay.
Go out of here.
We wanna talk about this.
Dan? You wanna sit here and talk, too.
Well, I wanted to tell you.
I just had some questions about god and stuff.
Well, so why didn't you come to us, if you had questions? You know? There's no two better people to answer your questions Than me and your dad.
Okay.
What religion are we? I have no idea.
Dan? Well, my family's Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's, Your mom's mom was Lutheran, and her dad was Jewish.
So what do we believe? Well We believe in, uh, bein' good.
So basically, we're good people.
Yeah, but we're not practicing.
[phone rings.]
[sighs.]
will you mind if I keep going? No, D.
J.
your dad and i are real proud of you.
[phone rings.]
Hello? Uh, yeah! It's a brand-new, uh, industrial stove.
And we're sellin' it at a discount.
Well, see, that's 'cause, uh- Well, uh- see, 'cause, well- [chuckles.]
I won it on a game show.
Well, great! Great.
Then see you tomorrow! You were never on any game show.
I was too on a game show.
And if you didn't spend all your time down at that damn church, You would know that.
Dinner! [Dan.]
ahh! Dinner with the family.
Always a pleasure.
Now if you'll excuse me, Longest Yard is on, And I haven't seen it since November.
Ahh.
Dinner with the family.
How come we never say grace? Because, D.
J.
, grace is for those who are thankful.
Darlene, D.
J.
has a new interest, And we're not going to give him a hard time.
And I think saying grace is a wonderful idea.
Dan? Say grace.
It's not my turn.
I said it last.
When? Thanksgiving.
Christmas.
Start prayin'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This involves touching? Oh, lord.
We thank- thee- For providing this food- Which- we have gotten from thee- Thine chicken is particularly good.
Amen.
You know, I really like that.
You know, we've gotten awfully lazy around here, About our souls and such.
I think, from now on, we need to be as serious About our- our spiritual fitness As we are about our physical fitness.
[Darlene.]
uh, David.
Would you pass the goat's blood, please? Ignore her, D.
J.
she was just sent here to test us.
If you have any more suggestions, we'd love to hear 'em.
No.
That's okay.
No, come on! I think it would be fun.
Like, say, some Sunday, we could get up early, And i'll get all dressed up, and sit there on the couch And watch one of them church shows.
Well, there is one thing that's been bothering me.
It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much? Well, because, um- Well, sometimes it's real hard not to.
You know.
But If I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else.
So- So you see, i'm- I'm using a restraint.
And god loves that.
You wanna know why I swear, D.
J.
? Yeah.
Why? Shut the hell up! The truth is, D.
J.
, God only cares about what's in our hearts.
And he knows we're good people.
If we're good people, how come when we go to the movies, You make me lie and pretend i'm 11? Would you like to take that, Dan? Well, D.
J.
, there's a very good reason for that.
[sighs.]
We won't do it anymore.
This is so stupid.
We make you lie 'cause it's cheaper if you can pass for 11.
Same reason I make David lie.
And by paying less at the movies, see, We have more money to give to charity, later, And that's just what we're gonna do, one of these days.
Well- I don't think Darlene and David Should be having sex without being married.
Roseanne? David, would you like to take that? Um Well, you see, D.
J.
, Love is, uh, a holy thing.
Stop speaking, David.
Look, D.
J.
if you wanna ask anybody about anything, Why don't you ask her about the stove she's stealing? I am not stealing that stove.
Oh, what is it? A gift from the stove fairy? No! The company gave it to me, and it is okay to keep it, Because they are a really large company that likes to screw- Excuse me- that takes advantage of little people like us.
Look, I could care less if you're takin' the thing, But at least have the guts to admit That you are stealing a stove.
No! Because taking something- You know, is not necessarily stealing, If you have a real good reason For needing it.
Right, David? Uh, yeah.
Like if your baby was starving, and- You stole a loaf of bread for it, Or if a stove company accidentally Sent you a second stove.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I wish you'd just take it back.
Your mother is keeping the stove.
This religious discussion is over.
I'm sorry, D.
J.
I know it's hard to live in a house Where people's behavior conflicts with your religious beliefs.
Thanks, David.
So if you think our- our bodies are like temples, And shouldn't be violated by things like nose rings, Then- you know- just tell me.
No, I don't think that.
But I want you to stop having sex.
Dad, Darlene says we have some religious people in our family.
Oh, we did, D.
J.
but- God has taken them all away.
She told me about this preacher.
Jessico.
She said he's like our second cousin.
Actually, D.
J.
, he's the son of two second cousins.
I'd like to write to him.
Oh, no.
You're not allowed to write to him.
Why not? Because then he would know where we live.
Dad? Do you believe in god? Yes, I do.
Are you sure? Well, i'm not completely sure.
But i'm pretty sure.
I'm afraid if you're not completely sure, You won't go to heaven.
That's okay.
I prefer to stay with your mother.
But, dad, you really should believe- Listen, D.
J.
? D.
J.
, D.
J.
If you really wanna save someone.
You know who needs it? Your sister.
She doesn't believe in god.
Hell, she worships the devil.
I believe in god.
Do not! Dad? Me and Darlene really wanna help you.
Yeah, I gotta, uh, sand down on a door out in the garage.
Jesus was a carpenter! So, Roseanne, you got my cut for the stove? Yeah.
I do.
I'm just glad that thing's gone, Now that i'm living with Father Flanagan.
Wait a second.
This is way more than my share.
Yeah, I know.
But I started thinkin' about you and the baby, And all the stuff you're goin' through, And I guess I felt a little generous, you know, So I cut Leon out.
[delivery man.]
excuse me.
Uh, can I speak with the owner, please? It's about a delivery mistake, made about a- a stove.
Uh-oh.
So, what, are one of you the owner, or what? Uh- well, yeah.
But, uh- uh- This guy named Leon, he's the one that's responsible for all the deliveries.
Right.
Well, can you tell Leon that- We know the stove was supposed to be here yesterday, And we're real sorry about the delay.
Delay? Yeah.
But I got it on the truck right now, so- They're sending us another one.
Could you wait outside for a second? Yeah, sure.
We cannot keep doing this, Jackie.
Don't you see what's goin' on? God's punishing us.
They're gonna keep coming and coming, just like locusts.
No! Are you kidding? This is great! We're makin' way more money than sellin' these stupid sandwiches! We should just close down the restaurant, and sell their stuff! No! No! No! Can't do that.
Restaurant's too good a front.
[sighs.]
well, I can't make a decision like this.
Listen.
Listen, listen.
We will- we'll give it You know, in case god gives us a signal that it's wrong.
We got another one! [both laughing.]
That stove turkey's outside again.
Are they sending you another one? Yes, D.
J.
that's the power of prayer.
But you said you only took the other one to get even.
Wouldn't this just be stealing to make money? No! But, mom No, D.
J.
! You need to honor your mother.
And I read somewhere that that commandment Is way more important than the stealing one.
You're not gonna believe this.
What? They are delivering us a second stove.
A second stove? That hardly ever happens.
I was just talkin' to the stupid delivery guy.
He has no idea what's going on.
Oh, man.
That's amazing.
A guy has no idea what his co-workers are up to? [laughing.]
Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one? Of course not.
But you said it was only okay with god To cheat a big company who cheated you.
But you aren't giving Leon any of his money.
Listen to me, D.
J.
In the bible, it states: Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, And unto god what is god's, okay? It doesn't say one damn thing in there About rendering nothin' unto Leon.
But, mom No, D.
J.
! Would you get off my back? Even god took a day off! He's just goin' through a faze! He'll get over it! Oh, man.
That delivery guy is cute! Wait'll he finds out he's gay.
UmLook, Leon.
There's somethin' we gotta tell ya.
Uh-huh.
Um, this is the second free stove that they've delivered by mistake, And we sold the other one.
So Jackie, give him his cut of the money.
There.
Wow! Hey.
Roseanne.
You- you could have kept this.
And you didn't.
But here's the thing.
That third stove? That's different.
That can't stay.
You gotta tell the guy to take it back, or else I will.
All right.
[sighs.]
You're a more honest woman than I ever knew.
Well, as long as you feel good about yourself.
Oh, you'll understand when your kid's older.
At least now I can look D.
J.
in the face.
Fine.
But if they send a fourth stove, we're keeping it.
Well, of course.
We're not fanatics.
[folk.]