Roseanne s06e23 Episode Script

[blues harmonica.]
Oh, hi.
I'm Bev Harris' daughter.
Is she okay? Yes.
It's just a hairline fracture in the pelvis.
We're releasing her tonight.
Just make sure she gets plenty of rest While she's at your house.
At our house? Yes, Mrs.
Harris told us she'd be staying with you During her convalescence.
That's great! The love of one's family is often the most powerful remedy.
[chuckles.]
She's a goner.
Roseanne, that woman is not staying at our house.
Oh, please, Dan.
Please, can't I have The most horrible woman in the world living in my house? Please? Please? Please? Listen to me, Roseanne.
Her retirement home is set up to handle injured old people.
When you go in there, you are not allowed To let her give you any guilt.
All right, Dan, I can deflect mom's guilt rays, As long as I have an outlet.
Ow! Ooh, I gotta clip these.
Hi, mom.
How are you? Oh, hello, Roseanne.
We came by the apartment to help you move that couch And they told us you were in here.
Oh, that's right.
Well, don't worry.
Even if you had arrived on time, I probably still would've fallen.
Of course, who knows what damage was caused By delaying medical attention.
Well, mom, you know, I called your house about a hundred times To tell you I was gonna be late, but nobody ever answered.
Forgive me.
It's hard to reach the phone When you're shiverin' in agony on the shower floor.
Thank god those cleaning people Keep their appointments.
The cleaning people found you? Well, bev, maybe we should let you rest.
Ow! You know, I feel really bad about this, mom.
Yeah, so do I.
Let's go.
And Dan feels even worse, as you can tell.
Oh, don't blame yourself, Roseanne.
Besides, you're not the one who never got around To putting those appliqués on my slippery shower floor.
Damn! Oh, my god.
Dan forgot to do that? UhMan, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Well, he was gonna do it last weekend, but he was very busy.
I think there was some kind of sports program on.
Bev, would you like to stay at our h-- At our house? Oh, Dan, that's so nice of you.
I graciously accept.
Well, that's just great, honey.
And if you need me for anything, I'll be stayin' at mom's.
Ow! [blues rock.]
[laughing.]
[tv, commentator.]
left side for barros.
And back for Sean Green-- Please stop watching me.
I'm sorry.
Am I bothering you? Yes, you are.
Oh, I didn't mean to.
But it's just whenever I see men watching one of these games, I wonder what could possibly be going on inside his head.
Aw, you don't wanna know.
[buzzer.]
What's that noise? That's a tie.
That means they're goin' into overtime.
Does that mean they get paid more? No, it means-- Yes, that's exactly what it means.
What are you guys watching? The bulls and the sixers.
Those are basketball teams.
I know.
Well, I really should take my nap.
Oh, you're not leavin'? But i'll need two strong men To lift my tired old legs into bed.
Uh, I gotta go.
There's-- Me too! You're slow, but i'll bet you're strong.
Coming, boys? Yes.
Come on.
I hope she doesn't want us to apply that ointment again.
Hey, Fred.
Hey.
Look, I gotta talk to you guys about somethin', But you gotta promise me you're not gonna tell anyone.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Course, with Bev staying at my place, Either way, I win.
I'm thinkin' about proposing to Jackie.
That's great.
You think so? Absolutely.
But remember, if she says "yes", you gotta marry her.
Well, you guys like being married, don't you? Well I love being married because i'm married To the greatest girl in the whole world.
Oh, give me a minute.
But you're happy, right? I mean, i've been watching you a lot lately And I think I want what you have.
Great! I'll have my stuff packed and be out by supper.
Listen, man, if you need someone To tell you what to do-- Then you're ready to get married.
Jackie makes me laugh.
We have a really good time together.
And I really love her.
Chicks can't get enough of that.
Alright, I think i'm gonna do it.
Think i'm gonna actually propose to her.
That's great, man.
How the hell do you actually do that? Hey, Dan, how did you handle the proposal? I said "yes.
" How 'bout you, Mark? How did you propose to Becky? Oh, we didn't really get engaged; we kind of eloped.
Yeah, but you had to ask her, right? I mean, what were you and Becky doing When you actually popped the question? Oh, my god.
Well, you-- you see-- Make somethin' up, Mark.
We were, uh, dancing.
At a boy.
[door closes.]
[Bev.]
thank you, Dan.
My toes feel much better.
[repressing rage.]
It's your mother's head.
[door bell.]
[man.]
hello? Hello, Bev? Are you there? Maybe it's death.
Hey, Jake.
Oh, Roseanne and Jackie.
Am I right? You're right.
And the fact that you've seen us both every week For the last year, don't let that Take nothin' away from your victory.
So, come on in.
Have a seat.
Yeah, thank you.
Listen, I came about Bev.
You wanna talk to her? I'd like to, but she doesn't wanna talk to me.
Every time I call her, she hangs up.
What's your secret? I know she's embarrassed about what happened, But I wish she wouldn't be mad at me.
What's there to feel embarrassed about? It happens all the time.
Well, it's never happened to me before.
And Bev looked like it was the first time for her too.
You were there.
Yes.
She-- She didn't tell you it was me? Uh, yeah, well, you know, she said it was somebody, But, oh, she didn't say a definite name, But I knew that it was you, And I says, oh, I know it's gotta be Jake.
And remember that, Jackie? You go, "oh, that's definitely Jake.
" Yeah, well, you know, Bev is-- She's so sweet, but she's so old-fashioned When it comes to intimate things.
Whoa, now.
Well, you know, Jake, when mom confided in me, She kinda made, uh-- Well, she kinda made you look bad, frankly, And so why don't you just tell us your side of the story.
You could leave stuff out if you want.
Look, it happened because, uh-- Well, it's been a while for both of us And I can't balance the way I used to.
Oh, my god, they were trying to balance.
Believe me, girls, I did everything I could.
When we hit the floor, I just wish it was me Who was on the bottom.
And then I dressed her.
She was naked? Holy Hannah.
Well, I think she wouldn't be that mad at me If those jokers down at the retirement home Hadn't have come up with that awful nickname.
Yeah, those jerks.
What was it again? Craftmatic adjustable Bev.
That's very bad.
Roseanne, please Talk to Bev about this for me, will ya? God, don't you think it oughta be you doin' it, Jake? I mean, you know, one on one, Face to face, in a letter? Please? Please? Yeah, alright.
I'll talk to her.
Oh, good.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Boy, i'll tell ya, Bev is lucky.
Bev is lucky.
You girls are the best.
Well No! Back! I don't need no broken pelvis there.
You're funny, just like your mother.
So When are you gonna talk to mom? When I can do it with the ouija board.
No, no.
Gotta do it now, Roseanne, 'cause she's humiliated.
Unless she works through it, she's never gonna go Back to the retirement home.
Jackie Jackie, I cannot have A talk about sex with mom.
If she even says the word "intercourse", I'll burst into flame.
Well, then, do it for Dan.
He thinks the whole thing is his fault.
And you promised Jake.
Little Jake.
Poor old Jake.
God, you're annoying.
[Bev.]
yes? Mom, I just want you to know that if you need To speak to a doctor, I can arrange it.
[Bev.]
uh, well Thank you, dear.
I just had the same sex talk with her That she had with me.
Hey.
What are we having? Well-- [Bev.]
use a little lime when you poach the fish! Ugh! God, not fish again.
Oh, it'll be okay.
Roseanne, your mother is never slipping And falling down again.
Do you know why? Mm? Because when she's all well, I'm sewing appliqués on the bottom of her feet.
[Bev.]
hi, Jackie.
Hi, mom.
Roseanne, I think on the way over He made you a little present.
Oh, well, every day is christmas.
Hello, Bev.
[Bev.]
hello, Fred.
I think it's wonderful you're taking Your child's mother out to dinner.
Well, yeah.
[Bev.]
when I had children, I had to scrimp and save.
You're very fortunate.
Well, yeah.
[Bev.]
and when your child asks why he's not goin' to college, Just tell him that his mother had a steak.
I'll be in here with Dan.
Still wanna marry into this family? Tonight's the night.
[gasps.]
my god, it's a ring.
It's the coolest box, isn't it? Okay, let's go.
Nice seein' ya, mom! Huh, what was that? What? That, what Fred did.
I don't know.
Why? Was it some sort of secret Macho signal thing, you know? Like this is supposed to be Jackie's breast And he's tryin' to tell you that he's gonna get Some action tonight, that pig! Trust me, Roseanne, that gesture was not dirty.
So what was it? I don't know.
Okay, fine.
[sighs.]
i'll tell you what.
If you don't tell me what that gesture meant, It's your turn to give mom her sitz bath.
Jeez If I tell you, you gotta swear to keep your mouth shut.
God, I can't believe that you don't even trust your own wife.
Okay, I promise.
Fred was pointing to the ring he bought 'cause he's gonna propose tonight.
[whispering.]
oh, my god.
He's gonna propose to her? Mm-hmm.
Did you see the ring? Yeah.
Uh, so what did it look like? I have no idea.
What kind of setting did he have it in? I have no idea.
Was it a diamond? I have no idea.
God, this is so amazing! Yeah, well, look, I swore I wouldn't tell anybody, So you gotta keep your mouth shut.
I will.
I mean it! I will.
I mean it.
I will.
Hi.
Hi.
[cooing.]
hello, little sweetheart.
Hello.
Hello.
God, that was hard.
They left that restaurant an hour-and-a-half-ago.
How come they're late? Well, maybe her and Fred are out celebratin'.
They just had a baby; they are not medically allowed to celebrate yet.
Roseanne, Dan, um We came back 'cause i've got some really big news.
[laughing.]
oh, yeah? Yeah.
Roseanne, Dan Um, Fred and I Are moving in together.
[laughing.]
You're what? Yeah, we're gonna live together.
Isn't that great? [giggling.]
Yeah.
Aren't you happy for us? Oh, yeah.
Really, really happy.
I'm really happy and really surprised.
Really, really surprised.
Me, too! My heavens, what's all the ruckus? Mom, um, i've got some news that I think Is gonna make you really, really happy, But Fred convinced me to tell you anyway.
I know, you're gettin' married.
Congratulations! No.
Mom-- We're moving in together.
God! Why is it every time I have big news, You ruin it by guessing that it's even bigger news? No, I don't.
It's just-- Well, that's what Dan said! You told your mother-in-law? Of course not.
I told my wife! God, mom, can't you ever keep a secret? Wait a minute! You were gonna propose? Well, it had crossed my mind.
And what made it uncross? What made you go from asking me to share my life with you To asking me to split the rent? Well, I don't know about you guys, but I blame mom! Well, you shouldn't blame me! If Fred doesn't have the courage To make Jackie an honest woman, Then perhaps it's best Jackie found that out! Hey, Bev? Do yourself a big favor.
Don't get into this.
Fred, I have every right to be involved in this.
Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
Well, if I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now.
The next time you break your pelvis having sex, You're not gonna stay at our house! If I understand this correctly, Unless you had sex in the shower, None of this is my fault! [Bev wailing.]
Guess I wasn't supposed to say that.
Well, I, uh Plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity.
But first, a raucous laugh.
[laughing raucously.]
Hi, mom.
Well, I heard what happened, So, uh, do you wanna talk about it? What's left to talk about? Everybody already knows all of the details Of the most humiliating experience of my life-- Fred, Dan, you, Jackie.
Oh, wait.
There's little D.
J.
What a shame he had to miss this.
You'll catch him up.
Won't you, dear? So everybody knows you had sex.
Big deal.
It's not like you got in an accident Wearing dirty old underpants.
Well, it will never happen again.
I can tell you that much.
Oh, mom, now you never were a quitter.
My one attempt with jake and I almost kill myself.
And of course, with your father It was always a disaster.
Oh, god.
But you probably don't wanna talk about this.
Oh, well, no, it's not-- it's not that.
I just think you're probably more comfortable, You know, talkin' to your friends.
My friends? Yes, you're right.
I should talk to my friends.
Well, I mean, unless you wanna talk to me, Then, you know, i'm here for ya.
So, I guess the thing is you've never really had Uh, any good Sexual experiences.
Well, your father was good in the sense That he never took longer than the commercials.
That's terrible.
Love-making is for men.
They enjoy it very much.
But i'd just as soon be knitting.
Well, it can be enjoyable for you, mom.
It can be really enjoyable, you know? All's you really need is just to have a partner who is, You know, giving and caring, And I really think that jake is like that.
So, you like it? [scoffs.]
Yeah, mom, I like it.
Well, I don't think i'll ever enjoy it.
Oh, yeah.
All you gotta do is you just tell the man What you like and what you don't like.
Didn't jake do anything that, you know That you liked? Yes.
Do you wanna tell me what it was? Well, he Rubbed my shoulders.
Well, that's really nice.
That's good.
Well, you should tell him, you know, that you enjoyed that.
And then later, you can tell him, You know, more intimate things that you like.
Well, I never had a chance to learn what I like.
That's really, really sad.
Well, you know, maybe it would help If you tell me what you like.
UhI like it when Dan rubs my shoulders too.
Just like you.
[laughing.]
Isn't that funny? What are the odds? So this is what it's like to be a modern woman.
Oh, I would've been so uncomfortable Having this conversation with my mother.
Yeah, it's amazing how things have changed.
[Jake.]
Bev, that was marvelous.
[Bev.]
you're really giving and caring, And you really worked out that balance problem.
You seem so much freer And so much more sure of yourself.
Well, I talked to my daughter and she told me Not to be afraid to ask for what I want.
So, uh, you know, Jake, I wouldn't mind trying again.
Hey, go easy on me.
You know i'm not Alright.
I'll be right back.
I left the light on in the living room.