Seinfeld s06e23 Episode Script

Monkeys are the end of the line in the pet world.
At that level of pet ownership have a kid.
I mean, come on.
I mean, you're so close.
If you need a pet that can roller-skate and smoke cigars it's time to think about a family.
Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts, in the '60s which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain.
"I feel that is the next logical step for me.
I've been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum-reentry G-forces.
" Take toilet paper, for example.
Do you realize that toilet paper has not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll.
That's it.
And in 10,000 years, it will still be exactly the same because, really, what else can they do? Yeah, that's true.
There really has been no development in toilet paper.
And, I mean, everything else has changed.
But toilet paper is exactly the same, and will be so until we're dead.
Yeah, you're right, George.
What else can they do? It's just paper on a roll.
That's it, and that's all it will ever be.
You find this interesting, don't you? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Oh, thanks very much.
The soup was really good.
- What are you telling him for? - What? He's the busboy.
You think he cares about the soup? Yeah, why, wouldn't he want the soup to be good? Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself.
Come on.
You think he's back there with the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up.
" - Hey, isn't that Alec Berg? - Yeah.
Alec Berg.
He's got a good John Houseman name.
- Yeah.
- Alec Berg.
Mr.
Berg.
I can't stand him.
He is so pretentious.
- John Houseman? - No, Alec Berg.
- Elaine! How are you? - Hi! - Jerry.
- Hi, Alec.
- Did you hear about Gary Fogel? - Yeah.
- You gonna go to the funeral Friday? - Yeah, yeah.
Hey, did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? - Those your seats behind the glass? - Those are them.
Season tickets.
Unfortunately, I can't go tonight.
They're available, if you'd like them.
I'd love to.
Are you sure? Sure.
Call my secretary.
She'll arrange everything.
- Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
- It's my pleasure.
Be good.
I actually might not use them on Friday either, so I'll let you know.
All right.
Thanks again.
Thank you very much.
Really, thank you.
Well, what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? - You know who they are? - Who? These are the people that wanna talk to you.
They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you? I will never understand people.
They're the worst.
Something's up There's something in the air Well, what is with you? Well I think this is it.
What's it? - I saw Siena again.
- Siena? He's dating a crayon.
We discussed toilet paper.
- Toilet paper? - Yep, yep.
I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime and probably wouldn't for the next 50,000 years and she was fascinated, fascinated! - What are you talking about? - Yeah.
- Toilet paper's changed.
- Yeah.
- It's softer.
- Softer.
- More sheets per roll.
- Sheets.
- A wide variety of colors.
- Colors.
Okay, fine.
Fine! It's changed! It's not really the point.
Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move.
What? I might tell her that I love her.
Oh, my.
I came this close last night, and then I just sort of chickened out.
Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy.
Are you confident in the "I love you" return? Fifty-fifty.
Because if you don't get that return that's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.
Well, I just gotta say it once.
Everybody else gets to say it.
Why can't I say it? What, you never said it? Once.
To a dog.
He licked himself and left the room.
Well, so it wasn't a total loss.
- Hey.
- Hey, I forgot to tell you.
I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff tonight.
Oh, I'm there.
- What about you, George? - Can't do it, can't do it.
- Sorry.
Got a date.
- So? So? No, no, no, if you must know I would rather be with her than go to the game.
Well, she must be a very special lady, huh, George? - What do I do with the extra ticket? - Oh, hey! Can I bring David Puddy? - He's a big Devils fan.
- Sure, fine with me.
Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo Siena works there as a trainer.
- So she works at the zoo? - Yeah.
Yeah, like Dian Fossey, huh? She's the only person that's ever been accepted into gorilla society.
And you know, once those gorillas accept you you got it made in the shade.
So how long have you been a Devils fan? - Since I was a kid.
I'm from Jersey.
- Yeah? - We're gonna kick your butts tonight.
- Ain't no way, man! - Yes.
- We're primed.
You almost ready? Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.
- What the.
.
? - So, what do you think? - What is that? - I painted my face.
- You painted your face? - Yeah.
- Why? - Well, you know, support the team.
- Well, you can't walk around like that.
- Why not? Because it's insane.
You gotta let them know you're out there.
This is the playoffs.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Dave's painted his face.
Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
You gotta support your team.
- Okay.
Ready to go? - Yeah.
Let's get it on! All right! Go Devils! Go Devils! Let's go, Devils! You stink, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier! Will you sit down? Hey, man, I'm just trying to support the team.
Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody.
Sit down! Because you're a Rangers fan and you know I'm messing with their heads.
Yeah, Devils goal! Devils goal! Stephane Richer scores from just inside the blue line.
And the Devils Well, you know, I could've actually gone tonight.
So why didn't you? Well, I didn't wanna break our date.
Oh, well Because I I love you.
You know, I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.
We took it to you.
You couldn't get it out of your zone.
We were aggressive.
- We didn't let you penetrate.
- That's enough out of you.
There's still three more games left in this series, my friend and it's far from being over, very far from being over.
Hey, what are you doing? Watch where you're driving, man! Don't mess with a Devil, buddy.
We're number one.
We beat anybody.
We're the Devils! The Devils! "I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.
" Yep.
- Big matzo ball.
- Huge matzo ball.
Those damn "I love you" returns.
- Well, it's all over.
I slipped up.
- Oh, you don't know.
You know how fast things deteriorate when there's an "I love you" out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you" and the other one says, "I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.
" Unless you're married.
She thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her.
Nobody wants somebody that loves them.
- No.
People hate that.
- You want somebody who doesn't like you.
- Ideally.
I am never saying "I love you" again unless they say it first.
- Matzo ball soup? - That would be me.
Hey, Jerry, you're a smart guy, right? - No question about it.
- All right.
I was supposed to go on this special tour with George's girlfriend.
- At the zoo? - Yeah.
But before I met up with her I stopped to look at the monkeys when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel.
I turn and look, and there is this monkey really laughing it up.
Then someone tells me that he did it.
Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around, and then I: I let him have it.
Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey? Well, he started it! - It's a monkey, Kramer! - Well, he pushed my buttons.
I couldn't help it, Jerry.
Well, I still think it's wrong.
All right, fine.
You take the monkey's side.
Go ahead.
- I'm not taking anyone's side.
- I know what happened, Jerry.
Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets? - No.
- Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for? Why am I gonna call? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me.
Call him the next day.
It's common courtesy.
No.
I'm taking a stand against all this over-thanking.
Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.
If I knew I had to give him I wouldn't have taken the tickets.
You know what this is gonna do? He'll be upset because you didn't call.
We won't get the tickets for Friday.
- You're out of your mind.
- Where are you going? I gotta get a suit cleaned.
I have a funeral on Friday.
- Who died? - Do you remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so I would buy him the toupee? - So he actually had it? - No, car accident.
He was adjusting his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car.
That poor priest.
He was just visiting from El Salvador.
Now he's gone completely loco.
- The one Puddy screamed at? - Yeah.
He thinks he saw the devil.
He won't leave his room in the church basement.
That's what you get for getting mixed up with a face-painter.
What compels a seemingly normal human to do something like that? Gotta support the team.
You know, I really hate my clothes.
I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
Nothing.
I hate everything I have.
I really hate it.
I mean, at this point, it's It's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.
It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.
Hey, Alec.
Did you see that? What kind of a hello was that? Mr.
Kramer, thanks for coming.
So, what did you wanna see me about? Well, Mr.
Kramer, to get right to it we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.
- Barry? - The chimpanzee.
Well, what's the problem? Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does.
He seems depressed.
He's lost his appetite.
He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities.
And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you.
So? So, what do you want me to do? Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
Well, he started it.
Mr.
Kramer, he's an innocent primate.
So am I.
What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count? Only the poor monkey's important.
Everything's done for the monkey.
Look, I'm sorry.
I Hey, that's okay.
Well, I gotta go feed the marmoset.
You know, George really likes you.
I don't Oh, she doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.
Do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after thank-you? - Wait.
You were at a funeral, right? - Yeah.
Well, people never give a good hello at the funeral.
I mean, they go like this: - That's the biggest.
- That's kind of what he gave me.
Yeah, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!" - Hey.
- Hey.
I just spoke to your girlfriend.
- Girlfriend.
Yeah, right.
- She asked me to apologize to Barry.
- Barry? - The monkey.
- Well? - Nothing doing.
Jerry, I didn't do anything.
It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.
- I don't think that's gonna happen.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I tried to put the good word in for you with Siena but I don't think she heard me.
You know, left ear.
- What? - Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her left ear.
What, you didn't know that? - Oh, my God.
- What? She probably never heard it.
Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened.
It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth to save Lois Lane.
Are you gonna say it again? That's the question, Jimmy.
- I'm gonna do it.
- What? After what you went through? You said you'd never say it again.
I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it! - Yeah! - Hey, buddy.
- Boy, what's going on? - He's gonna talk into her other ear.
Listen, I almost forgot to ask you.
What happened at the funeral? Did you talk to Alec Berg? - Yeah, I saw him.
- So he'll give you the hockey tickets? Well, not exactly.
He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.
- I don't know if he's mad.
- What happened when you saw him? I didn't really get a good hello.
But I was at a funeral.
So I don't know if I got a funeral hello or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after thank-you.
- See? I told you, Jerry! I told you! - What do you want me to do? I want you to get on this phone and give him his thank-you! No.
No, I can't! Jerry, this is the way society functions.
Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't wanna be a part of society why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side.
Look, we got five hours before the game.
I am betting it was a funeral hello.
We're here.
He knows the number.
He knows we wanna go.
There's plenty of time for him to call.
You stubborn, stupid, silly man! Hey, great dip.
You make this? No, it's from the store.
Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack? I don't understand stuff like that.
David - David, I think we ought to talk.
- All right, that's cool.
David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
You gotta be kidding.
How come? Well, you see, David you're a face-painter.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, it's not that I don't like you but, well, to be perfectly honest I'm just having some trouble getting past the face-painting.
So you don't like the face-painting.
I just won't paint it anymore.
Yeah.
But you like the face-painting.
Well, I don't need to do it.
It's not like a habit or anything.
- You mean you'd stop it for me? - Yeah, that's right.
That's so - That's so sweet.
- Come here.
I gotta go home and change before the game.
I'll be back.
We'll make out.
Siena, I love you.
Yeah, I know.
I heard you the first time.
Yeah.
Just confirming.
Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.
No, I was expecting somebody else.
I'm sorry, I can't talk, I gotta keep the line clear.
I know I have call waiting, but I don't trust it in an emergency.
Goodbye.
Anyway I just wanna say that I'm sorry.
I lost my temper, and I probably shouldn't have.
I took it out on you and Look, if I've caused you any problems as a result of my behavior well, then, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Even though you know, Barry, between me and you we both know that you started it.
I mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset and God forbid I should disturb the very important monkey.
I hope we can put this behind us.
Let's just move on with our lives.
So no hard feelings? - What is that? - It's the letter D.
Why is the letter D painted on your chest? I'm going to the game and me and five guys are taking our shirts off and spell out "Devils.
" - But you said no more painting.
- No, I said no more face-painting.
And as you can see, this is not my face.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, did he call? - No.
- Oh, come on, Jerry! This is stupid.
It's 6:00! It's all over! Just pick up the phone and thank him! All right.
Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
You know, you got a great John Houseman name.
Alec Berg.
Did you hand in your assignment, Mr.
Berg? What can I do for you, Jerry? Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets.
I wish you'd called earlier.
I could've given you tickets for tonight.
- Oh, you already gave them away? - Yeah.
But you know what, I have a friend he's got a couple of seats.
- You mind the nosebleed section? - We don't care.
We wanna go.
There is one little catch, though.
Hey, great game, huh? Let's go, Devils! All right, let's get it up! Let's get it up! Come on! Come on, D! D! - E.
- V.
- I! - L! S! Hello, Father.