Married with Children s06e24 Episode Script

Shamus McBundy, are you done with me horse? No, ma'am.
I had to send out for extra parts to reinforce its feet.
That and a sign to go around his neck saying, "I'm with fatso.
" You save your tongue for picking the flies off the pools that dance beneath your arms.
Go to.
I'm in a hurry.
Is it the festival of pork pies and pig swallow you're late for? While you're waiting I've got a plum pony out back you can snack on.
You been warned.
I am a great and powerful witch.
Not as powerful as yon mighty seams in yon dress to keep yon belly off yon floor.
That's it.
I curse thee, Shamus McBundy and all thy male descendants.
Henceforth ye shall only shoe the large and ungrateful.
Yikes! Saveth me! And so that ye and all your male descendants will be hated in this place forever Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness though other towns nearby stand in sun.
Well, will you be floating above us blocking the sun? Just for that, throughout eternity your feet will sweat.
Aye, and verily smell.
How could yon blubber belly curse me? I hurled the unspooning stone in the big game.
Had I not married, I wouldst have turned pro.
And so it begins.
Early to be this dark.
This can't be my life.
What am I, cursed? All right, now.
Ladies and gentlemen we are assembled for our noon meeting.
Mayor Fivshaw presiding.
As we all know, Lower Uncton has been in darkness for four centuries and will be so as long as a male Bundy lives.
I will now call upon our village historian Mr.
Winston McPhee, to take over the meeting.
Winston? Right.
Now, I don't have to tell you it's been a bloody good year for killing Bundys.
We've tracked them wherever Bundys have spread over the centuries.
In fact, they were easy to find because no matter what the country all we had to was go to the local shoe store, and there they were.
Now, as you know, the curse will only be broken if all Bundys are killed within our town limits.
And whilst this monumental task has indeed almost broken us I am nevertheless very happy to announce that there remains only this Bundy and his son, as the last male Bundys on Earth.
So the curse will be lifted if we can bring them here and force upon them an agonizing death.
Now just one question remains: How do we get them here? Look, we've just won a trip to England! - England? - Unbelievable.
I know.
What's England? It's a country, Kel.
You know, birthplace of Shakespeare? Churchill? Benny Hill? Oh, yeah.
The English guy.
Oh, I love it when he runs fast.
You know, when they go: Listen.
Listen! "You have won an all expense paid trip to London.
Then be driven to a charming shaded village and stay in a castle.
" Where I'll be the guest of honour at a quaint Elizabethan "expiration ceremony.
" - What's that? - Who cares? It's free.
How did we get so lucky? Well, it says here that they put all the names of everyone in the world in a hat and drew ours.
I can't believe this.
It's all expense paid.
I haven't been this happy since I lived with my parents.
Oh, man.
I'm gonna get me an armful of British babes.
I'll be irresistible.
Because after years of drinking their warm domestic ale they'll learn that "Nothing Beats a Bud.
" Just remember that the inflatable women over there blow up on the left side.
- No! No! - Kids, now, hey! You got a lot of time to fight.
This is a momentous occasion and I think we should have a hearty "Whoa, England.
" Whoa, England! Hi.
We're going away for a while and wanted you to know where since you'd worry and wonder.
Yep, I'm taking Marcie on an expensive trip to Epcot Center, in Florida.
Gee, Epcot Center in Florida.
Well, that kind of makes our little trip pale in comparison.
We're going to England.
- Can I get a "Whoa, England"? - Whoa, England! Honey, they're "whoa-ing" England.
And you're taking me to the state of swamps? I wanna "Whoa, England" too.
You can "whoa" anywhere in the world, but we're going to Florida.
We were just kidding about going to Florida.
Jefferson's taking me to England too.
How am I doing that, dear? I'm selling your car.
Hey, that car was a gift for sexual favours.
I worked my ass off for that car! We're going to England! Oh, boy.
We're going to England.
If you dogs mess your cages, I'm not cleaning it up.
Ever! Hey, I could be a good friend to you.
Tonight, in the flea bath, a real good friend.
Yep, I'm one lucky dog.
This is your captain speaking.
Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
- AI.
- Oh, please.
They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink? Take a look around, son.
You won't see this back home.
Dad, it's an airport.
Yeah, but this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas begging for spare change.
Welcome to London.
What's that, honey? Oh, it's my English-to-English translation book.
"Welcome to London.
Welcome To London" Ten hours on a plane with that man and those feet.
I can't wait to change.
My clothes smell like corroded toes.
Well, don't blame me.
For 10,000 bucks less we could be sniffing the sweet feet of Mike Fink on his keelboat ride.
Hey, there's a word I recognize.
That's our name, honey.
Hello, hello.
Lovely to see you.
Right.
Now, I'm Winston.
I'm your driver, right? - And this is my assistant driver, lgor.
- Igor? Yes.
You know perfectly well I had my name changed legally.
Is it too much trouble to address me as Merryl? I'll call you Merryl when we're alone, all right? And when was the last time we were alone? Not in front of the Yanks.
I'm terribly sorry.
As I was saying we shall be escorting you, but before we go there's just one little formality.
It's just for the record, really.
Are there any more male Bundys? Women wish there were.
Not here.
Just remember, they must die in Lower Uncton and not before.
Got it? Good.
Follow me.
Car's outside.
Have a nice journey, did you? Thank you.
Igor.
Okey-dokey.
We're gonna start our tour with an immediate visit to a quaint little English village, Lower Uncton.
- We don't wanna go there.
- I wanna go London.
London? No, no, no.
Very little to see in London.
Very dirty and it's all quite old too.
No, Lower Uncton.
- Nice car.
- Oh, let's buy one.
They're putting our luggage into their trunk.
I know.
It's all part of my master plan.
Look, this is a comp trip for them, right? All we have to do is stay close to them.
At the very least we should get a free limo ride into town.
They left with our luggage! - Let's get a cab and follow them.
- No, we can't.
I put all our money and travellers cheques in our baggage.
See, I didn't wanna have any unsightly bulges in my jacket.
Well, honey, good news.
Soon you won't have any in your pants either.
Hey! Hey! That is St.
Paul's Cathedral.
Great.
There's Parliament.
Great.
Tower Bridge.
Great.
And that's Trafalgar Square.
Great.
Oh, look.
Buckingham Palace.
Great.
- Look, a McDonald's.
- Peg, quick! Get the camera.
I see something else.
Stop the car.
Stop the car! Oh, I smell many women happily shopping.
This is Harrods.
You really must see it.
You've seen it.
Let's go.
I feel somewhat drawn to this place.
Would there be enough in your budget for me to do a little shopping? Well, maybe just a very little shopping.
- We're a very poor village.
- Can we get stuff for us too? If there's time.
Mom, can we go get something for us now? No time.
That's the lot, sir.
Right.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Money, money.
Send more money.
I've never seen shopping like it.
What? Oh, I don't know.
Just sell something.
For God's sake.
- Well, "Marlboro.
" - Winston.
That's much cooler.
We're ready.
Lower Uncton? Shall we go to Lower Uncton now? Are you kidding? We wanna see everything, we wanna do everything.
The Bundys swing like a pendulum do.
First, take me to your finest bathroom.
Marcie, can I ride on the bus now for a while? No.
You've been a bad boy.
Besides, we only had enough money for one ticket.
Well, then can I stop at Harrods for a drink of water? Shut up.
Don't you think I'm thirsty too? But we have to find the Bundys and get our luggage back.
- Where did they say they were staying? - London.
Well, then it's only a matter of time.
Come on.
Quit embarrassing me! Come on! Come on! Come on! According to legend, no one can make the guards smile.
Watch this.
Excuse me, is that a hat or are you just a member of the British Hair Club for Men? Let me at him.
My husband sells women's shoes for a living.
Leave this to me.
I've made men come out of comas.
I'm stupid too.
I'm gonna give it one more try.
That's not a smile.
It will be when I take it away.
- What's this? - Well Winston says this is Speakers' Corner.
People come to listen to just about any idiot spout off about anything that's bothering him.
I'd like to talk to you today about women.
I don't like them.
Now, I mean, you folks are English but even you can't like women.
I mean, you're sitting home watching sports and that's the exact time they pick to plant their ever-widening what you call "bums," next to you and they ask, " Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago? Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up and they get mad.
Then they cry, then you get mad because you can't hear the game.
Which I think was their modus operandi all along.
Now I'm not proposing a solution because I gotta go soon I see my wife looking.
But I just wanna say I don't like them.
Can I get a hearty, "Whoa, women.
I don't like them"? Whoa, women! I don't like them! Oh, by the way, am I alone here in hating the French? No! I thought not.
Any more bright ideas, Mr.
A-Little- Counterfeiting-Never-Hurt-Anyone? As God is my witness I thought Michael Caine was on the five-pound note.
It's the queen.
Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference.
Here I am on my dream vacation stuck in an alley, freezing cold, starving and married to you.
Excuse me but do you remember that time last winter when I asked you to tape an episode of Full House and you forgot? Did I get mad? No.
I just sat there and sulked silently.
But I am hurting inside.
You stink, Marcie.
Don't you push it, Jefferson.
You're not that good in bed.
Oh, come on.
We both know I am.
Now relax, babe.
It's your good fortune to be married to a criminal and an inveterate liar.
I'll come up with a scheme.
It's gonna have to be very special because the British are a bit more sophisticated than the Americans.
I got it.
It's brilliant.
Come on, take the picture, Bud.
Shoe salesman.
Al, I don't think we can fit all this stuff in the limo.
Who cares? We didn't want all this junk anyway.
- Oh, "Lucky Strike.
" - Winston.
Winston.
- What? - No need to get snippy.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Where we going now? Lower Uncton, that's where.
That's where it's happening, you know? The birthplace of The Beatles.
- "Camels.
" - Winston.
Whatever.
Look, we're tired of just driving around.
- What is your finest hotel? - The Savoy.
What lgor really meant to say is it's the fabulous dumpster by the Ritz in Lower Uncton.
- Didn't you, lgor? - No, I think they'll like the Savoy.
Anyway, I've never been there and I want to go.
To the Savoy then, "Benson & Hedges.
" Winston.
Winston! Oh, this is so wonderful.
I hope it never ends.
There they are.
They're staying in London.
They should be easy targets.
Remember, they've got to be killed outside Lower Uncton.
- The future depends on it.
- Every Upper Uncton schoolboy knows.
If Lower Uncton gets the sun again then Upper Uncton will lose all its prosperity as a tourist town.
Every year thousands of people come to our town to view our neighbours.
The village cursed to inky, hellish darkness.
I know better than anyone.
My father owns the T-shirt concession.
Remember, they must be killed outside Lower Uncton or the curse goes on forever.
Don't worry.
The Bundys will never leave London alive.