Seinfeld s06e24 Episode Script

All right, what am I supposed to do here? Should I go over there? It's not like somebody died.
It's Beaches, for God's sake.
If she was sitting next to me, I'd put my arm around her.
I can't see making a big move like going all the way over there.
I can't.
I won't.
So she calls me this morning, tells me she's upset that I didn't console her.
I mean, it was Beaches, for God's sake.
I mean, what do you do in a situation like that? - Where were you? - I was sitting on the chair.
She was over here on the couch.
Well, if you were sitting next to her, you'd have to console her.
Of course.
But when you're talking about a movie like Beaches moving from the chair to the couch that's quite a voyage.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, we gotta get going, come on.
- Where are you going? - Show League game.
The Improv is playing Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.
Really? Is Bette Midler playing? Is she gonna be there? She might be.
She's the star of the show.
Bette Midler is gonna be in the park today? Jerry, don't tease me.
I didn't know you were such a fan.
So maybe I'll go down there and watch.
She'll be there, maybe? - So is Gennice playing today? - Yeah, she might be.
- What Gennice? - That's the understudy.
I'm dating her.
- Is this Bette Midler's understudy? - Yeah.
Understudies, now, they're a shifty bunch.
The substitute teachers of the theater world.
I'm glad that she's an understudy.
I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
Going backstage is the worst.
Especially when they stink.
Then it's a real problem.
Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink.
"Hey, you know what, I didn't like the show, I didn't like you.
You just really stunk.
The whole thing, real bad.
Stinkaroo.
Thanks for the tickets, though.
" - Ms.
Elaine, you late.
- I know, I know.
I didn't have change for the bus.
Nobody will give you change.
So they threw me off the bus.
But you have to wait for Lotus now.
Well, how long is that gonna take? I have, like, a million things to do.
What? Not long.
What is so funny? Sunny tell a knock-knock joke.
I'm telling you, I have a sneaking suspicion they're talking about me.
I think they've been calling me a dog.
How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying when they were pointing at me.
You know, maybe in Korean, "dog" isn't an insult.
It could be like the word "fox" to us.
"Oh, she's a dog!" Why don't you go to another nail shop? Because they're the best, Jerry.
The best.
Look.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
What you need is a translator to go in with you and tell you what they're saying.
- Yeah, who speaks Korean? - Do you know who speaks Korean? - Who? - George's father.
Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.
How does he speak Korean? - He used to go there on business.
- What did he do? Sold religious articles.
Statues of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, manufactured in Korea.
George, does your father speak Korean? - Yeah, fluently.
- Really? In fact, he once spoke to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
Thanks.
- Oh, hi, Gennice.
- Hey, Jerry.
You know George.
This is Kramer.
Nice to meet you.
- Playing today? - No.
I'm a bench player.
Boy, they really stick to that understudy rule.
- So she's coming? - Oh, yeah, she'll be here.
Guaranteed.
Oh, no.
My frankfurter.
My frankfurter fell.
Oh, no.
It was really good.
I can't believe that I dropped it.
It's okay.
It's just a hot dog.
Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay.
It was really good.
It's Bette! Hi.
Hi.
Look, there she is.
It's Bette.
It's Bette.
Bette? - Hi.
- Hi.
You know, I just wanna say I think you're wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You know, I've seen you in everything you've done.
- Really? - Anything I can get you? A water? - They got Italian ice over here.
- What flavors do they have? Well, they've got chocolate, lemon and cherry.
- How about pineapple? - Sure.
I'll be right back.
Thanks.
- One pineapple.
- No pineapple.
Just cherry, lemon and tutti-frutti.
All right.
Anyway, Mr.
Costanza, what I want you to do is to go into the shop with me and tell me what they're saying.
You do speak Korean? I once talked to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
He bought two Jesus statues from me.
He's a hell of a nice guy.
You ever seen that face on him? It was like a big apple pie.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, Mr.
Costanza, if you do this for me I can get you a manicure.
I'll pay for it.
Or you can get a pedicure if you want.
No one's touching my feet.
Between you and me, Elaine, I think I got a foot-odor problem.
- Hold it up.
Time.
- Time.
- How you feeling? - Pretty good.
Your arm feeling okay? What's your problem? Now, listen, she's all over the inside of the plate.
You know, she thinks she's a big star, thinks she owns the inside corner.
I say we back her off with a little chin music, you know I what mean? I know what you mean.
Why don't you go back and play your position there.
Just trying to help.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're throwing off my rhythm.
Go get her.
Caught that, what is it, Beaches, on cable last night.
"Wind Beneath My Wings," huh? Give me a break.
Hey, get some talent, then you can mouth off.
- Strike three.
- What, are you blind? You stink.
- What's that? - Nothing.
Nothing.
I had an affair with a Korean woman.
Mr.
Costanza, I don't No, I feel I need to unburden myself.
I loved her very deeply but the clash of cultures was too much.
- Her family would not accept me.
- Mr.
Costanza, I'm not sure Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes.
Again, the foot-odor problem.
The father would look at me and say: Which means, "This guy this is not my kind of guy.
" - Pineapple? Sure, I got pineapple.
- Yeah, all right, okay.
Move in.
Move in, everybody.
Get your shrimp here.
Bigmouth shrimp on special today.
Come on, George, we just need one run.
Come on, George! I got the pineapple! I got the pineapple! Keep going! All the way! - Come on, come on! - Keep going.
Run, run! - Safe.
- Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, Bette's hurt! The understudy's boyfriend probably put him up to it.
That's his friend.
You're gonna pay for this.
Fellas, fellas, that was a clean play.
Come on, it's just a game.
It's just a game! Oh, God! Now, don't worry.
I'm with you.
Kramer's here.
Kramer is going to take care of everything.
Here, see? I got your pineapple.
And I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time.
Our top story: The show will go on, but not Bette Midler.
While playing softball in the park, Ms.
Midler was injured when another player thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate all captured on amateur videotape.
She'll be out for at least a week from her new Broadway show, Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.
Thank you.
- Well, we - No, please.
This is the first time in my life that anyone has ever done anything like this for me.
I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got.
And for you two to do what you did I just know this is gonna be my big break.
It's okay.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Jerry.
Come on, Jerry, open up.
I know you're in there! Kramer, come back another time.
Yeah.
So you're all in here together.
Well, how convenient.
I hope you're all very proud of yourselves.
So, my dear, you think you can get to Broadway.
Well, let me tell you something: Broadway has no room for people like you.
Not the Broadway I know.
My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out.
My Broadway is the Broadway of Merman and Martin and Fontanne.
And if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down, good luck! Hello, everyone.
Hi.
This is my friend Frank.
What would you like today? Manicure? Pedicure? I'll take a manicure.
- I don't take my shoes off for anyone.
- Yeah, I know.
What's that? What'd they say? They made a derogatory comment about me.
- Okay, that's it.
- What? Where's my tail? I heard every word you said.
You got some nerve! That voice.
It sounds so familiar.
It reminds me of when I was a young girl in Korea and I met an American businessman.
He was a very unusual man.
Quick-tempered, with a strange, halting way of speaking.
We fell in love.
But when I brought him home to meet my father he refused to take his shoes off, and there was a terrible fight.
This man also refuses to take his shoes off.
I've never seen people treated like this! So you brought in a spy? Now, take your dry, bitten nails and get out! Frank? Kim? Yeah, right.
It's a turkey sandwich, a side of slaw.
- You want white or dark meat? - White meat.
Yeah, white meat.
And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster.
Oh, get me one of those black-and-white cookies.
All right, yeah.
They don't have any, but don't worry.
I'm gonna get you one somewhere.
Good.
If I don't get a black-and-white cookie I'm not gonna be very pleasant to be around.
Now, that's impossible.
- Is there anything else I can do? - I don't think so.
Well, can I do that for you? All right, what the hell.
So, what's the scoop on Bob Barker? Does he really give a damn about what those things cost or is he just acting? Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I don't even know where I'm going.
Well, that's the best way to get someplace you've never been.
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
Have you been crying? Yeah, see, this woman, this manicurist No, no, it doesn't matter why.
That's a very nice jacket.
Oh, thanks.
Very soft.
Huge button flaps cargo pockets, drawstring waist deep bi-swing vents in the back, perfect for jumping into a gondola.
How do you know all that? That's my coat.
- You mean.
.
? - Yes.
I'm J.
Peterman.
I don't know why I have to go.
I didn't do anything to Bette.
Could you stop over here? We're picking somebody up.
It's that understudy who put the hit on Bette! Hey, I didn't do anything.
I was never informed.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- That's not what they said in the paper.
You can all go straight to hell.
You see that? Do you see what I'm going through? So what? Someone dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night.
I'm being heckled on-stage.
People are yelling out "Gillooly.
" Well, I'm having a little trouble with all this.
I mean, all I ever wanted to do is sing and now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy.
And none of the other actors in the show will even talk to me.
Stop your crying, will you.
- What? - You heard him.
Don't you chime in.
You're the reason this happened.
Oh, yeah? I read what you said to the papers yesterday.
How you weren't in on the planning.
What planning? You think we planned this? - How dare you say we planned this! - Wait, I know you three.
You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.
I want you creeps out of my cab.
- I had nothing to do with it.
- Get out of my cab! You should go to prison, eat prison food the rest of your life.
Get out.
Get out, each of you.
Each and every one of you, get out of my cab! Then, in the distance, I heard the bulls and I began running as fast as I could.
Fortunately, I was wearing my Italian capto oxfords.
Sophisticated yet different, without making a huge fuss about it.
Rich, dark-brown calfskin leather.
Matching linen vamp.
Men's whole and half sizes, Oh, that's not too expensive.
I like that shirt.
Where did you get it? This innocent-looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all.
Touchability.
Heavy, silky, Italian cotton a fine, almost terrycloth-like feeling.
Five-button placket, relaxed fit.
Innocence and mayhem at once.
That's not bad.
So many years, Frank.
So many years.
If only you had taken your shoes off.
Couldn't, because I had a potential foot problem.
I thought maybe you had holes in your socks.
I wiped them for two minutes on the mat.
I don't know why your father made a case out of it.
Anyway, that's all in the past.
We have our whole future ahead of us.
Between you and me I think your country is placing a lot of importance on shoe removal.
You stopped short with me? We don't do that in Korea.
Take me home! I never want to see you again.
Hi.
Here.
I made this for you.
- What is it? - It's Macaroni Midler! - Macaroni Midler? - Yeah, yeah.
- See how you're singing? - Yeah.
- What's that from? - That's a song from my show.
What do you think? You are so freaking talented.
So look who's here.
- What do you want? - We want to talk to her.
We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident.
No, I'm sorry, it's out of the question.
- What? - Bette is recuperating right now and I'm not gonna allow anything to disturb her.
Who are you to decide? I'm calling the shots around here so there won't be any more accidents.
- Hey, look, Kramer, don't you - I don't want her disturbed.
All right, we are gonna go find a security guard.
- What's wrong? - I have a very bad feeling about this.
Yeah.
Wait a second.
What are you doing? Where are you taking me? There's only one place where I know you'll be safe.
Are you insane?! - Hello, Elaine.
- Oh, hi.
- We're so excited.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome.
- See you inside.
- Okay.
What happened? Well, I felt bad about the spying, so I got them tickets to the show.
That's nice.
All right, see you later.
Wait, wait, wait.
I didn't even get to tell you about my new job.
- Where? - Writing for the J.
Peterman catalog.
How did you get that? I met him.
- You met J.
Peterman? - Yeah.
What is he like? He wore a classic horseman's duster beige corduroy collar, Nine pockets, six on the outside.
Great for running alongside a train waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda.
- Men's sizes small, medium, large - Yeah, I'll see you later.
- Well, break a leg tonight.
- I'm really nervous.
Here, you got a telegram.
Well, look who's here.
- Listen, buddy - What, are you gonna break my legs? You don't scare me.
You or your goons.
How do you like that.
- What is it? - My grandmother died.
- Oh, I'm so sorry - Oh, no, it's okay.
I'm fine.
So you don't cry when your grandmother dies but a hot dog makes you lose control? Places, everyone! - I gotta go on now.
- Good luck.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this evening's performance the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Graham.
- Gennice.
.
? - Gennice Graham? - What happened to Bette Midler? - Oh, she got hurt.
No Bette Midler? Wait, wait.
Hold it.
Stop! I'm sorry, I have to start it over.
Look at my shoelace.
I can't do it like this.
Please let me start it over? Please? Please? Your turn!