Roseanne s06e25 Episode Script

Jeez! You see anybody? No.
No prowler.
Listen.
Next time you hear something, don't call me, call the police.
They're specially trained to deal with people like you.
Maybe the guy made it into the basement And he's just hiding out till the coast is clear.
You'd have to break a window to get into the basement.
Did you hear a window break? No.
But maybe He attached a suction cup to the window pane, And cut a circle around it, And he silently removed the glass and then climbed in.
I didn't think of that.
No, Dan.
Better take that.
No, no, no, no.
You keep it.
You need it more than I do.
I have my sanity to protect me.
Be careful.
Yeah, be careful down there, Dan! I just oiled that The action's real hot.
Jackie! What? Shut up! You see anything? Nothing.
Ooh, wait a minute.
What's this? What? Dan? What do you see? Dan! If you are able to, answer me! Your water heater's leaking.
A joint's gotta be replaced.
Um How does someone do that? Same way they do anything else.
They ask their brother-in-law to do it for them! [doorbell rings.]
What's going on? I saw dan's truck outside.
I thought I heard a burglar! Really? Yeah, but it was a false alarm.
Um, you know, I was home.
So? So you needed a man to protect you, And you called Dan.
Well, I was scared.
It was just instinct.
And your instinct was to call Dan.
Well, Fred, my god! You know, i'm sorry I called Dan Because I heard a burglar.
And, by the way, i'm fine.
And so is your child.
Thanks for asking.
Oh, hey, Fred.
I'm gonna need a wrench.
What do you need a wrench for? Water heater's leaking.
I'll fix it.
I'm already greasy.
No sense in both of us having to wash our hands tonight.
No, really.
I'll fix it.
Knock yourself out.
I gotta get home anyway.
It's Graham Cracker night.
Why don't you just let Dan fix the water heater? He's the one that installed it.
Right.
And it's leaking.
[baby crying.]
Why are you so angry? Oh, gee, I don't know.
Maybe there's nothing to be angry about.
I guess Dan should just fix the leak and I should shut up.
Oh, see? My milk is coming out.
Can't you hold it? Yes, Fred, and I can also write my name in the carpet.
Well, why did that happen? You woke the baby, he started crying And now i'm leaking.
Oh! Well, hang on! I'll get Dan! What are you doing? Uh, movin' the couch to see how much room we have for the wedding.
Mm, okay.
Honey? You know, Dan, i've been telling you all week, I got a really bad feeling about this wedding.
Mrs.
Conner.
David? Sometimes it's easier to move Mrs.
Conner than it is to argue with her.
Ho! God, look at that.
It's a clean spot.
I always thought we had indoor-outdoor.
This here is shag.
Don't worry, honey.
We'll just cover the rest of the floor With furniture, and everyone will think we got new carpet.
No, Dan.
Jackie cannot have her wedding In a room with a clean spot.
This just proves that my bad feeling was right.
This is a sign.
I know it is, dear.
But we agreed we'd wait for a really big sign, Something more concrete, before you wrecked Jackie's life.
A really big sign, Dan? What do you think of this? God almighty has marked our carpet.
You just had a shock.
I mean, this carpet thing, It'd upset anybody, right, David? Uh, yeah.
I'm troubled by it.
Look, honey, why don't you just take a nice, hot bath And relax, and you'll see, jackie's wedding will be a big success And jackie'll live happily ever after.
Do not talk down to me Like one of those husbands who is not afraid of his wife.
Calgon's under the sink.
Mr.
Conner, do you think this is part of that "change of life" thing? Oh, if only this were a change.
Mr.
Conner, this could get a lot worse.
And it will.
But all we can do is walk on eggshells, And keep Mrs.
Conner submerged in warm water.
Why is she so upset? I thought she wanted Jackie to get married.
She does.
But she's also unhappy about losing Jackie to Fred.
And David, Mrs.
Conner is never unhappy alone.
[country music.]
Hey, man.
Sorry i'm late.
Looks like i'm gonna have to have a couple of beers to catch up with you.
Six.
Wow! Anyway, let's talk about the, um, bachelor party.
Now, the women have forbidden us from getting a stripper, So we're gonna have to hire one of them nude models From the art school, teach her how to dance.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
There's not gonna be any bachelor party.
What? Oh, of course there's not gonna be a bachelor party.
I gotcha.
Anyway, I heard about this shari lewis look-alike Who does something incredible with lamb chop.
I'm serious, Dan.
I'm not even sure there's gonna be a wedding.
What? Hey, relax.
Most guys get nervous before their weddings.
I think they call it the moment of clarity.
I'm tired of pretending that i'm the one she really wants.
Come on, man.
It's just cold feet.
There's another guy.
She sees him almost every day.
I'm not stupid! Oh, right.
You don't know Leon that well.
Let me tell you It's not Leon, okay? It's not Leon.
It's you.
Me? Are you kiddin'? My own wife's not even interested in me.
Dan, you have no idea how she talks about you.
It's like you're the ideal man and no other guys can live up to you.
Come on, man.
You're talkin' stupid.
She thinks you're like a god.
All right, look, maybe a long time ago, When we first met, but that's a 20-year crush.
On me.
Come on, i'm not that great.
Hey, can we have some more pretzels here, honey? You know, nobody even talks about it Because it's like the biggest, dirtiest secret in the family.
And I happen to know that you love it.
I do not love it.
I'm not saying it's not flattering God, please.
You know, you totally egg her on.
That's why she's always having you come over to fix the same stuff.
I don't egg her on.
I just do sloppy work! Hey, next time she asks you over to help, Just cut out the middleman and get into bed with her.
That's enough.
I'm telling you right now, I would never take advantage of that, And i'm surprise you're even talking like this about her.
Oh, that's right, because you're jackie's big protector.
Okay.
We're cutting you off.
I'm gonna drive you home.
Get your hands off of me.
Okay, fine.
But you're not gonna drive home.
Yeah, well, neither are you.
It's okay! He's getting married in a couple of days.
Somebody call him a cab, would ya? Hi, Dan.
Hey, Jackie.
Hey,Jackie! Dan, you know what's up with Fred? I just dropped the baby off and he's being really snippy.
No.
Nope, no, no idea.
I don't know what's going on.
It's like this all the time, lately.
Things have gotten really bad between the two of us.
Jackie, I don't think you and me should be talking about you and Fred.
Why? He say something last night at the lobo? No, it's just I don't want to get in the middle of this.
Fred's like my best friend and you and me, well, We're practically related.
At least that's how I look at it.
My god, what happened to your face? Nothin'.
I just bumped into roseanne's elbow last night.
Apparently, I was snoring.
[snores.]
She really caught you one.
It's okay.
Just, you know, it's all right.
Just Ju Ju [Roseanne.]
hey.
Hey, she was just looking at my face, that's all.
I thought you and Fred were gonna go ring shopping this morning.
Well, I don't know, we might not even need rings, 'cause according to Fred, there might not be a wedding.
He actually said that to me.
Really? Yeah.
But it's just cold feet.
Right? People say crazy things all the time before they get married.
Nothing to worry about, right? What? I think you should postpone the wedding.
What? Are you serious? Yeah, i've had a really bad feeling about it all week, But I just couldn't get to you 'cause Dan kept me in the tub.
Well, what do you think, Dan? Don't ask him! I think you should cancel the wedding.
What? What? Could be that Fred's problem is that he senses That you have a problem.
And maybe you're questioning things Because you still have some feelings about The past.
About someone from the past, and And Fred just doesn't measure up.
Yeah, right, Dan.
We'll call ya if we ever need some gibberish.
Well, thanks a lot, you two.
I had about that much confidence and you just stomped on it And stomped on it till it's all gone.
Well, if you don't want our opinion I don't want your opinion.
I'm gonna find somebody who'll tell me getting married is a good idea Even if it isn't.
I'm gonna ask mom.
Man, I hope she's not making a mistake.
Well, what made you change your mind? First you were treating me like a nutcase, and now you agree.
I oughta put you in the tub.
All right, i'll tell you.
But you gotta promise me You won't think any less of Jackie.
[sighs.]
go on.
All right.
Last night, Fred told me something About the way jackie feels about me.
What way was that? It's It's no big deal.
It's just One of those crush things that a younger sister has On an older sister's husband, and it's So you Think Jackie has a crush on you.
Just a little crush.
It's only natural.
You are out of your Clodhoppin', consarned, egg-suckin' mind! Well, Fred thinks it's true.
Oh, well, then He took a swing at me last night.
He told me Jackie thinks i'm like a god.
Well, that's just 'cause you never do nothin' on Sunday.
Think about it.
She's always asking me over there to fix stuff.
Wow! And so is my mom.
Oh, my god, my entire family's got the hots for you, Dan.
And Leon wanted you to come over and fix that pipe.
You better look out, hot stuff.
You just don't wanna believe it.
Jackie has never said one thing about that to me, ever.
Of course she wouldn't say anything to you! I'm your man! You're a gigantic fool.
Okay, you go ahead, You think i'm a fool, but at least i'm not selfish.
I'm not selfish.
It's so obvious what you're doing, Roseanne.
You don't want Jackie to be married, 'cause then you'd have to share her with Fred.
You want to keep her all to yourself, Even though it means she'll never be happy.
You are so wrong.
I mean, you are just so completely wrong.
If you were any wronger at all, You would be in the guinness book of world records Under "world's wrongest man.
" Hell, I got that title the day I married you! [doorbell rings.]
Hey.
Oh, hi.
So, how are you doing? Not good.
I called up Fred and I told him to come on over, 'cause you and Dan are right.
If he has this many doubts about it, maybe we shouldn't be married.
I think you better think about this some more.
I have been, and i'm starting to see Fred for what he really is.
Scared.
Indecisive, emotionally unpredictable, And I don't want to be married to somebody like me.
No, you should marry Fred, Jackie.
And you wouldn't be having all these doubts If you hadn't been influenced by the very worst person on earth.
Roseanne, mom wants me to be married.
No.
Not mom.
Me! I'm evil, and I must be stopped.
I'm very confused.
Well, it was always that I was the one That had the kids and was married to the great guy.
And now if you're gonna get married, Well, we'll be tied.
So you told me not to marry Fred Because you don't want us to be tied? Yeah, because, you know, if we're tied, Then we'll be equal and then you won't need me anymore.
Oh, Roseanne! I know.
I'm so stupid.
I'm just hideous.
Don't even look at me.
Well, of course I will need you.
Even with Fred, my life is messed up.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
I'm not.
I'm still stuck in a dead-end job.
Well, that's true.
I have no confidence in my skills as a mother, So I really need you there.
Well, that's true.
I am a damn good mother.
Gotta be proud of the way David turned out.
And you got me out of that Fisher relationship mess, You got me started dating Fred, and if it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't be headed towards a life better than yours.
I said, "tied!" It's pointless, anyway, because Fred doesn't want me anymore.
Oh, he wants you, Jackie.
He's just thinking all screwy.
'cause you know what? He thinks that you have the hots for Dan.
What? They had this great big fight about it at the lobo last night.
Fred thinks that? Uh-huh.
He thinks that? Yeah, and you know what's even scarier? Dan thinks it too.
[knocking on door.]
Oh, hi, Fred.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Jackie, i'm really glad you called, 'cause we need to talk.
Roseanne, can you leave us alone? [sighs.]
well, no, Fred, I don't need to, Because I know what this is all about.
You do? Yes.
Dan and Jackie.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I know.
I guess i've always known.
Oh, Roseanne.
I just don't think I can go through with all of this Knowing how jackie feels about Dan.
I don't blame you at all, Fred.
I don't really see how any of us can get through this.
That is why i've agreed To step aside and let Jackie and Dan be together.
What? As part of that bargain, You shall be mine.
Jackie? I just came by with your wedding present.
I can't come out.
I got my dress on already.
And we got enough strikes against us.
I'll just leave it on the bed then.
No, wait.
Give it here.
Oh, Fred, it's a beautiful picture of you and the baby.
I love it! Thank you.
Well, Sears had a coupon.
Oh.
Get out of here.
Hey.
Hey.
Roseanne wanted me to give these to Jackie.
Oh, well, those'll look great.
Yeah, I wore them at my wedding.
Hey, Dan.
I'd Yeah, I know, me too.
I mean, it was just the wedding I know, I know.
Fred, what are you doing with your arms? I'm just shaking hands.
[Jackie.]
is he gone? Yeah.
Wow! Great dress.
Great you.
Thanks.
Roseanne wanted me to give you these.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, I know she had that dumb idea About me walking you down the aisle, but if you'd rather go alone No! Dan, no! I think it's a great idea.
I mean, you did take a punch for me.
I wish Roseanne hadn't told you everything about that.
It's all right.
I'm not embarrassed.
Of course not.
You're not the big goon that believed it all.
Dan.
I might not have a crush on you, But I think you're an incredible guy.
I have been out with so many jerks, And if I didn't know that there were guys like you out there, I would have given up on men a long time ago.
Yeah? Really? So, I mean, In your eyes, I'm the perfect man.
Uh, more like a god.
Man, did she have to tell you everything? [Roseanne.]
move it, you two! Well You ready? I think so.
Okay.
[baby crying.]
Sounds like your son's ready for you, too.
Oh, no! What? What's the matter? Oh I'm leaking! Oh! Well, it's not noticeable.
Oh! I had no reason to think this day would go well.
I mean, i've only been looking forward to it for 37 years! Come on, Jackie.
Can't you just, uh, Go like this? Dan, when something is leaking, You don't apply pressure to it.
All right.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Wait a minute.
All right, here.
An original creation by Mr.
Dan.
It's not bad.
Shall we? Okay.
Dan.
It wasn't Roseanne's idea for you to walk me down the aisle, It was mine.
You want me.
Fred, do you take Jackie to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
And Jackie, Do you take Fred to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
By the power vested in me by the state of Illinois, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Just let me switch sides first.
I suppose you're next, Darlene.
Uh, no, thank you.
I drink my milk from a glass now.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, now.