The Golden Girls (1985) s06e25 Episode Script
Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home (2)
Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Hi, girls.
Oh, Rose, I missed you at breakfast.
Did you and Miles have fun last night? Oh, yes.
We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.
How was it? Oh, the food was good.
But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry.
For power.
(laughing) (doorbell rings) Oh, my, that provincial Midwestern sense of humor that everybody hates.
Yes? Hello.
I'm Detective Parres, Dade County P.
D.
Does a Sophia Petrillo reside here? This is my mother.
Is there a problem? I'd just like to ask a few questions.
I've got nothing to hide, copper.
Or do you prefer "flatfoot" or "gumshoe"? Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.
They colorized him.
Can you believe it? Let the man rest.
He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.
Whatever you think she did, she's guilty.
I saw her.
Please sit down.
Mrs.
Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985? Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me.
How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.
Ma, the beginning of September.
That's when Shady Pines burned down and you came here to live with us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not wearing underpants.
Mrs.
Petrillo, were you acquainted with the late Maria Heartgrove? She died? Good riddance.
God rest her soul.
We have a deathbed confession from her stating that the two of you started the Shady Pines fire.
Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do? She claimed that on the night of the fire, the two of you were in your room cooking s'mores.
Nonsense.
I don't even know what s'mores are.
You remember, Sophia.
They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Marshmallow.
Don't forget the marshmallow.
Whoops.
In her deposition, Mrs.
Heartgrove said that you were in possession of an illegal hot plate, and while you were cooking, the curtains caught on fire.
Then you panicked and fled, and the fire continued unchecked.
Now wait just a minute.
This is crazy.
Do you have any proof? Did anybody find that alleged hot plate? Presumably it was lost in the fire.
Maria was just out to get me.
She was always jealous because I still had my own hair.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Petrillo.
I have no choice but to bring you in on a charge of negligent arson.
My mother is 85 years old.
Surely you - I'm sorry.
The law recognizes no age limits.
Mrs.
Petrillo, you're under arrest.
Well, all's well that ends well.
What? It's a title of a Shakespeare play.
Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended.
Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.
Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.
So this is life on the outside.
It's changed.
You've all gotten so old.
Ma, knock it off.
You were gone an hour.
If anyone's upset, it should be me.
I had to dig up the bail money.
Please.
How do you put a price tag on getting your mother back? What was it, $500? Wow.
I better improve my attitude around here.
(doorbell rings) Well, Herb, here you are.
Hi.
Hi.
Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer "ambulance chaser"? Ma, he's here to help you.
Are you nuts? If it helps.
Well, the trial is set for a month from now, so I'm going to need some character witnesses.
Maybe you should start by interviewing me.
I would make a wonderful witness.
I can't tell you how many times I've been badgered by lawyers.
Well, I could, but it might sound like boasting.
Oh, the stories I could tell you about me.
You're not gonna believe this, but I I shall become a great Southern writer, carrying on the tradition of the other great Southern writers like uh all those that are so famous they need not be mentioned.
Oh, girls, it's gonna be so exciting.
I am gonna make a fortune.
And I won't even have to use my imagination.
My life is a romance novel.
Your life is a sports page.
Listen.
Tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep.
"He grabbed her.
"She could feel his fingers pressing into her moist flesh.
"Her heart was pounding, her loins on fire as he spun her around, her dress ripping open" You know how many times I've experienced that? Your loins have been on fire? Yes.
"She melted into his -" Where exactly are your loins? Rose, it doesn't matter.
Just listen.
"She melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him" I didn't know people had loins.
I've heard of loin of pork, but In her case, the same thing.
Isn't this exciting - taking part in a protest? Standing up as free Americans and exercising our right to say, "We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore.
" I'm out of spit.
Can I go now? and you're ready to quit? We joined the Friends of Sea Mammals for a reason.
You are so unmotivated.
Well, when I joined this Mammals With Blowholes thing I didn't expect to be carrying picket signs on some grungy dock.
I was hoping more for a fund-raiser cocktail party with Chinese lanterns and Portuguese - no, Hispanic waiters in tight black pants.
And we hire a band to play fish songs in pirate suits with muscles bulging.
Your mouth is watering now, Blanche.
Keep licking.
Herb, I'm aware of how important it is to make a good impression in court.
Tell me, what do you think would move the jury more - cleavage or a lot of leg? That depends on what you're going for - a chuckle or a guffaw.
Blanche, I think a conservative ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.
Oh, there'll be music? Ma, where you going? If he puts you three on the stand, up the river.
Ma, what are you doing up? I can't sleep.
I keep trying to think back on that night at Shady Pines.
And? And we're out of toilet paper.
I told you, Dorothy, I can't remember a thing.
Just because your memory is fuzzy doesn't mean that you're guilty.
Doesn't mean I'm innocent, either.
Ma! Let's face it.
I've done some pretty peculiar things in my day.
Of course, I've got an excuse.
I'm an old lady.
I left my mind in the '60s.
Dorothy, have you seen my teeth? They're in your mouth, Ma.
I know that.
Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.
Ma, listen to me.
You got Martha Raye and Madge mixed up again.
Morning, Blanche.
Morning, Ma.
You sleep well? No.
I had that recurring nightmare, the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, "Sorry, this is too sick, even for me.
" Well, now I know why Hemingway killed himself.
Oh, girls, I have writer's block.
It is the worst feeling in the world.
Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
You just sit there, hour after hour after hour.
Tell me about it.
Frisk me.
Oh, Ma, stop that.
What are you doing? Just frisk me.
Frisk me.
It's important practice for me if I'm going to prison.
Ma, you are not going to prison.
Now think back.
Shady Pines.
What was the last thing that you remember before that fire? Meat loaf.
Nine days in a row.
Their only witness is dead.
That ought to work in our favor.
Dorothy, that hot plate was mine.
I made s'mores all the time.
I hated Shady Pines.
I can't remember, but I know I did it.
I must have.
I'm goin' to prison.
Ma won't come out of her room.
She's miserable.
Just to keep me up to speed, Dorothy - it's this negligent arson rap and the prospect of spending the rest of her waning years in jail thing, right? No, it's the "Rose in the kitchen" thing.
I just hate to see Sophia so unhappy.
I wish there was something we could do to make her feel better.
I mean, we're always there when we need each other.
You know, if I have a problem, Rose is there for me, and if Dorothy has a problem, I'm there for her.
I wish I knew what to do.
All right.
All right.
I can pick up a cue.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1912.
A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist.
There's an instant attraction.
They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers.
Shortly afterwards, he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his palette without using his hands.
But I digress.
He paints her portrait, and they make passionate love.
She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body.
She sees the portrait and is insulted - it looks nothing like her - and she storms out of his life forever.
That peasant girl was me and that painter was Pablo Picasso.
Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Be positive, Dorothy.
OK, I'm positive you're lying.
This is terrible.
Trick move from your checkers-by-mail partner? No, it's from the company Charlie worked for.
They've gone bankrupt and so has their pension fund.
I'm not gonna be getting pension checks anymore.
I can't afford to live without that pension.
Let's not panic.
I'm sure they can't just cut you off.
She's right.
There has to be a good explanation.
You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
What if it's not? What if I can't pay my own way? What if I can't afford food? What if I have to sleep outside in some park? There's an old Italian saying for times like this.
Scappa.
Tu si mal fortuna.
What does that mean? Get away from me.
You're bad luck.
OK, that's it.
Drink this.
It's a secret potion from the old country guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it.
Slowly.
That's right, down the hatch.
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
Now, you might feel a slight tingling, but believe me, you'll sleep like a baby.
I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me? Sophia! Oh, I just had a terrible thought.
What if, in some weird way, all this was true and Ma went to jail? Oh, my God.
This is very important, Rose.
It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.
The last time someone said that to me, I had two pigs on my back and I was pushing a wheelbarrow.
Why? To relax and get comfortable.
OK, now, where should I begin? Let's see.
I think the one thing you need to know is that I'm the one around here with the level head, the real voice of reason.
I haven't been this scared since 1952 when St.
Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt.
Luckily there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland.
They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin.
I don't know why I raised my hand.
It must have just been the excitement of the moment.
But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs up the volcano while they gave me my birthday whacks.
Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all, just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.
All creatures must learn to coexist.
Back where I come from, they do.
That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony.
'Course, they can't mate or the mice would explode.
You want me to drive tonight, Dorothy? Oh, Rose, listen.
I'm not going to the meeting tonight.
Oh? How come? I'm not comfortable there.
I'm not comfortable with the people, with the whole thing.
But you need the group support, Dorothy.
It's not a good idea to go it alone.
Did I ever tell you about my cousin Vigdov Frickin? He tried to go it alone in a three-legged race.
Well, you know what happened to him? Please.
Please, Rose! I don't want to hear about your Frickin cousin.
That was very interesting, Rose, but now that I've heard you, I think I'll probably just plead insanity.
You look perfectly sane to me.
High praise indeed.
Pussycat, when I go to trial, will you be a character witness for me, tell them I'm sweet and cute and don't have it in me to harm a fly? What, you want me to perjure myself? Basically.
Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank you for trying to cheer me up, Pussycat.
You're always there for me.
I appreciate that.
We're there for each other.
I don't know of any other mothers and daughters who have gone through half of what we've gone through.
I can't tell you how much it meant to me when you and I Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Who are you? I'm the doctor.
We'll see about that.
Look, Mrs Petrillo.
I'm Dorothy's mother.
I wanna know what's wrong with her.
Don't tell me "nothing," because I know there's something wrong with her.
Mothers know.
Look, Ma, I'll talk to you about it later.
Your daughter is fine, Mrs.
Petrillo.
Tip-top? Tip-top.
Then, Mr.
100% Tip-top, why the hell does she feel like hell? Look, Ma Wait.
I gotta hear this.
It could be functional.
Functional? Mental.
Mental.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
100% Tip-top Mental, my daughter may be no spring chicken and her jaw might crack when she chews and she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables, but one thing she's not is mental.
Thanks, Ma.
OK, girls, I'm ready.
Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs? Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs? Just play the music, Rose.
( "I Got You Babe" by Sonny Bono) They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow I don't know if all that's true But you got me and, baby, I got you Babe I got you, babe I got you, babe You know, Ma, I guess we do have a good relationship.
It's always been good.
I know we never did some of those mother/daughter things - baking cookies, dressing alike, braiding each other's hair.
Yeah, but wasn't it great making fun of those who did? It sure was.
But come on, Ma.
The truth is, we have done our share of fighting.
Of course we fight.
We're Italian.
We like to fight.
It's our way of showing love.
Though I don't know if there was a lot of love that time that we Hi, Ma.
Gimme your watch.
Sure.
What do you want it for? I'm working on a magic act for the talent show at the center.
Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.
Ma! Relax.
Dorothy, was your card the ace of spades? Ma, what the hell are you talking about? I think I got chapters seven and nine mixed up.
Ohh.
This watch is broken.
Ma, Stan gave me that watch when we got married.
The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch? I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.
Oh, yeah.
Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.
I called Wolfie's at 11.
You weren't there.
Guess who got lucky.
Oh, God! What can I tell you? A couple of egg creams, the bright fluorescent lights and a retired jeweler named Shlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.
Not for me.
I can't tell you some of the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you.
Although none as horrible as what you just described.
Ah, there you are.
Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup.
Ma, you know you have to have a physical.
What do you want me to do - take you to court, have you declared incompetent? I'm not incompetent.
Once when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.
I guess we do have a strange way of showing our affection.
Oh, Ma, I'm glad to see you've cheered up, but why are you walking down memory lane all of a sudden? It's just that I may not see you for a while.
Ma, they can't prove that you started that fire at Shady Pines, and you are not going to jail.
You can't be sure of that, Pussycat, so I'm doing what I have to do.
I'm jumping bail and moving back to Sicily.
Oh, hi, Ma.
How was your nap? Nap? I didn't take a nap.
I'm a nervous wreck.
How could I sleep a wink with this prison thing hanging over my head? Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.
Oh, I guess I did take a nap.
Ma, I don't know why you're nervous.
You are not going to prison.
I feel like I am in prison, with you keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.
Are you gonna keep doing that for the rest of my life? No, only until you give up this ridiculous idea about leaving the country.
I'm not skipping bail.
I'd never make it.
Every cab driver, waitress and skycap between here and Sicily would be only too eager to talk to the police.
Why do you say that? I under-tip.
Look, Ma, I know you're nervous, but Herb is a brilliant lawyer, and, honey, you have the love and support of all of us.
Is there anything I can get you from the kitchen? Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.
How's Sophia? She's over that crazy idea about Sicily, but she's still very concerned about going to jail.
Well, who wouldn't be? It's a terrifying prospect to think about.
Prison.
The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.
Let me guess - St.
Olaf County Jail? And deli.
Look, we have to do everything we can to help Ma.
Now, the three of us have got to put our heads together and try to figure out for certain how that fire got started.
You're so right, Dorothy.
And we can start by ruling out the obvious.
Does Sophia have any friends who are or ever have been circus fire-eaters? No.
Would she like to meet some? Don't you worry.
Now we'll get to the bottom of this.
Lord knows we've worked our way out of tight spots before.
Who was it who got us into that Oh, just a minute, now I remember.
Come on, it's worth a try.
It's either we sing or he sings.
Oh, all right.
Boom Boom Well? Well, what? After my boom comes your boom and then yours, until we're all booming.
How complicated is that herring thing? Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom boom boom boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom boom boom boom Mr.
Sandman, bring me a dream Boom, boom, boom, boom Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Boom, boom, boom, boom Give him two lips like roses and clover Boom, boom, boom, boom Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over (baby cries) Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom Mr.
Sandman Yes? Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him the word that I'm not a rover And tell him that his lonesome nights are over Mr.
Sandman I'm so alone Boy, you guys really stink.
Look, I'm not going out with him.
You go, Blanche.
What?! You like him.
I know you do.
So you go.
Well, I couldn't.
Of course she couldn't.
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
Well, why not? It's all over between us.
He'll know that tonight.
Well, it's impossible.
I'd feel like a I'd feel like a A back-stabbing slut? No.
Then please go, for me.
I'd feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you put it that way But only as a personal favor to you, honey.
Well, I guess I'd better go get dressed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Can you believe that back-stabbing slut? Well, now that we know we can work our way out of jams, exactly how are we gonna work our way out of this one? There's one thing we could do.
We could get something to eat.
Can we concentrate? It seems like all we ever do around here is eat.
Maybe it's all you ever do.
Oh, excuse me.
I forgot about all those other appetites you satisfy before going to the fridge.
My life is more than just sex and food.
I take care of this house.
Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I guess that falls under sex.
And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.
Oh, yeah.
I guess sex and food are a big part of our lives.
In fact, just recently - last summer, or last spring? It's so hard to remember which Why does it have to be so hard? The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls.
I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off.
Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
So you told her? No.
I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
You are kidding, Rose.
No.
That's how my mother taught me.
Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like? It sure did.
Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would have been jealous.
Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it.
What is this hold that Buzz has over you? I know exactly what she's going through.
First love can be very powerful.
I felt the same way about Heyward Boyle, the star pitcher on our high school baseball team.
Oh, an amazing athlete.
That boy had exceptional control.
He was always up for extra innings.
And his delivery.
Oh - All right, Blanche.
Enough! Yeah.
We get it.
So, what was he like in bed? I have to agree with Blanche on this one.
Half the fun is in getting there.
Boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.
Ma, I don't think I want to hear this.
I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think you can handle it now.
We lived in New York.
There was the San Gennaro Festival every year.
Your father - may he rest in peace until I get there - got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we got home.
Oh, Ma.
So he took me - right there behind the sausage and pepper stand.
Hey, we were behind the garbage cans.
It's not like we were in front of everybody.
I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia.
All our children were conceived on special St.
Olaf holidays.
Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Ginella was conceived on Hay Day.
That's the day we St.
Olafians celebrate hay.
Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor? Then there was the Day of the Wheat, when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches.
Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us, and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.
Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is doing is really not so terrible.
Look, among the four of us, each of us conceived our children in a different way.
I was totally unconscious.
When I came to, there was Stan carving a notch in his dashboard.
I never bought that unconscious story.
I swear.
He must have slipped me something.
Apparently.
Those stories made me hungry.
They made me horny.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we call the pizza guy? See, we both win.
(phone rings) Hello? What? Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.
They caught her trying to buy a ticket out of the country.
Can you believe Ma, trying to go to Sicily on my credit card? She would've made it, too, if her chef's knife hadn't shown up on the scanner.
You want to know something crazy? I actually feel responsible for this.
If I'd never checked her into Shady Pines, she never would have made those s'mores, there never would have been a fire, and none of this would have happened.
Hey, when you look at it like that, you are responsible.
Yeah, I never had thought about it that way.
You know, it is like they're trying the wrong person.
It is your fault.
Wait a second, girls.
Can you imagine being the one to put your mother in jail? It was just a theory.
Follow that lady to Guilt City.
Now stop it, now stop it.
Look, nobody is to blame for this.
She's rationalizing.
Instead of pointing fingers, I thought we were gonna try to find a way out of this.
Well, we certainly are in the right place for it.
The kitchen - Crisis Central.
Yeah, we sure have solved a lot of problems in this room.
I mean, a lot.
Dorothy, it wasn't that long ago that you Oh, it's you.
I thought maybe Sophia had come home.
Oh, no.
She'll be back in the morning.
She's trying to teach me a lesson.
I know my mother.
Oh, really? You're the one who said she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.
Dorothy, it's not just your mother who left.
I feel like she's my mother, too.
I know, but don't worry.
She'll be back.
Now that she's gone, who am I gonna go to in the middle of the night with my deepest personal problems? Wait a minute.
You went to my mother's room in the middle of the night? Many, many times.
Two or three times a week.
And she was always so kind and comforting.
I don't understand.
Every time I'd knock on her door late at night, she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas.
" Sophia doesn't have a TV in her room.
I know.
Then, after we finished talking, she'd always give me a piece of hard candy and a kiss good night.
I can't sleep.
And what's worse, I went to Sophia's room for one of our talks and then I remembered she left, thanks to you, Dorothy.
You had late-night talks with my mother? All the time.
And she gave you hard candy? No.
I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.
Why didn't somebody tell me it was dinnertime? Ma, it's not dinner, it's the middle of the night.
Good.
Then I'm dressed for it.
Blanche is upset.
Well, you would be, too, if your daughter - Oh, I can't even say it.
What could have happened? The two of you were getting so close.
My little girl is gonna have a baby by artificial insemination.
I just can't bear to think about it.
I'm just being silly, aren't I? For God's sake, somebody say something.
Ew! Big help.
Dorothy, what about you? You're the sensible one around here, the free modern thinker who keeps up with the times.
Now, what do you think? Ew.
Maybe we should all get some rest and figure a way out for Sophia tomorrow.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too? She is like a mother to us.
I think she'd like that.
Here's the key.
I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.
What, appeal? No, a party, a prison party.
I made a list of all the men we should invite.
We'll be like the judges.
"I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai.
" See, some can be convicts and some can be guards What are you looking at? I just cannot believe how much you think about men.
Well, hey, men are an important part of my life.
Not just my life.
They're an important part of all our lives.
Seems like hardly a day goes by here there's not an incident about some man that we're dating or used to date or want to date.
Pussycat, I'm going out with my friends.
Can you give me some money? What happened to the money I gave you last night? Let's see, 10 bucks went for cover charge, for a round of drinks, and the other 10 went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr.
Big.
I know that guy.
That's just a stage name.
So, Ted, did I hear someone say you were a doctor? He's not just a doctor.
He happens to be one of the top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.
Get out of here.
He's also heavy into real estate.
It's nothing much, really.
I just own a few mini-malls.
Oh, your wife must be very proud of you.
Actually, we're divorced.
Oh, I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Hello, girls.
Dorothy, Rose, you all remember Laszlo.
Of course.
Laszlo, the artist from your museum.
Oh, we really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.
She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Really, Dorothy? Oh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime.
Rose, you're such a kidder.
What is sex, after all? Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other like animals.
You get all sweaty and flushed.
Your hair gets mussed.
You lose your breath.
You lose your earrings.
Your mouth waters.
Your nose runs.
Your heart races.
Your blood races.
Rose? Say it, Ernie.
It's time, Rose.
Check, please! I'm not saying I want her to go to prison.
I'm saying if she goes to prison, we have the theme for the party.
Girls, do I have news for you.
Rose, where have you been? Trying to get hold of the fire inspector who inspected Shady Pines.
I wanted to double-check there wasn't anything wrong with the building.
And? And get this.
They said the inspector quit three days after the Shady Pines fire.
It seems he mysteriously came into some money and moved to an exclusive Palm Beach neighborhood.
Do you know what that means? Rose, of course I know what this means.
Then will you explain it to me? It all sounded suspicious, but I couldn't quite piece it together.
Rose, you nitwit, that means the guy was probably on the take.
Oh, I told you everything would be fine, Ma.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party.
See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy.
Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos What are you looking at? You did a good job, but let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs.
Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong.
I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.
What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor? That would totally discredit her.
Wait a minute.
I just remembered who the friend was.
Can't use it.
Moving on.
If you think of anything else, please give me a call.
I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to three.
There's no one in the place except you and me That's what we were singing that night.
We were having a couple of Nyquil shooters and singing "One For My Baby.
" I remember.
Ma, you do? Yeah.
I heard a smoke alarm, looked up, and saw flames coming out of the heater.
Maria was confused.
I grabbed her and the hot plate and ran out.
It was the heater.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.
You dig up that hot plate, Sophia, we'll go to the D.
A.
I think we've got enough evidence to get these charges dropped.
Ma, I am so proud of you.
Now, honey, if you could just remember where you left the hot plate.
I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.
What's that smell? (alarm beeping) My God.
That's the smoke alarm in Sophia's room.
Oh, no! Oh, yeah.
Anyone for s'mores? Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home? I feel like a free man.
Well, you didn't actually go to jail.
OK, forget the free part.
I feel like a man.
I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying for a thick steak smothered in onions, a tall cold one, then going out and picking up a couple of - Ma.
Can I tell you something, Pussycat? What? I've never been so scared.
Not so much of jail.
It was not being here with all of you.
Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day.
That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway.
All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got.
Am I crying, Pussycat? No, Ma.
I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.
Oh, Ma, I'm just glad everything worked out.
I never want to have to go through that again.
Oh, I knew it would all be OK.
Rose, I think you deserve a lot of the credit.
You were smart enough to double-check on that fire inspector.
Yes.
I'm proud of you, Rose.
Hey, you make it sound like it's the only smart thing I ever did.
I'll have you know I've done a lot of smart things over the years.
Remember?
Oh, Rose, I missed you at breakfast.
Did you and Miles have fun last night? Oh, yes.
We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.
How was it? Oh, the food was good.
But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry.
For power.
(laughing) (doorbell rings) Oh, my, that provincial Midwestern sense of humor that everybody hates.
Yes? Hello.
I'm Detective Parres, Dade County P.
D.
Does a Sophia Petrillo reside here? This is my mother.
Is there a problem? I'd just like to ask a few questions.
I've got nothing to hide, copper.
Or do you prefer "flatfoot" or "gumshoe"? Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.
They colorized him.
Can you believe it? Let the man rest.
He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.
Whatever you think she did, she's guilty.
I saw her.
Please sit down.
Mrs.
Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985? Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me.
How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.
Ma, the beginning of September.
That's when Shady Pines burned down and you came here to live with us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not wearing underpants.
Mrs.
Petrillo, were you acquainted with the late Maria Heartgrove? She died? Good riddance.
God rest her soul.
We have a deathbed confession from her stating that the two of you started the Shady Pines fire.
Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do? She claimed that on the night of the fire, the two of you were in your room cooking s'mores.
Nonsense.
I don't even know what s'mores are.
You remember, Sophia.
They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Marshmallow.
Don't forget the marshmallow.
Whoops.
In her deposition, Mrs.
Heartgrove said that you were in possession of an illegal hot plate, and while you were cooking, the curtains caught on fire.
Then you panicked and fled, and the fire continued unchecked.
Now wait just a minute.
This is crazy.
Do you have any proof? Did anybody find that alleged hot plate? Presumably it was lost in the fire.
Maria was just out to get me.
She was always jealous because I still had my own hair.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Petrillo.
I have no choice but to bring you in on a charge of negligent arson.
My mother is 85 years old.
Surely you - I'm sorry.
The law recognizes no age limits.
Mrs.
Petrillo, you're under arrest.
Well, all's well that ends well.
What? It's a title of a Shakespeare play.
Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended.
Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.
Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.
So this is life on the outside.
It's changed.
You've all gotten so old.
Ma, knock it off.
You were gone an hour.
If anyone's upset, it should be me.
I had to dig up the bail money.
Please.
How do you put a price tag on getting your mother back? What was it, $500? Wow.
I better improve my attitude around here.
(doorbell rings) Well, Herb, here you are.
Hi.
Hi.
Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer "ambulance chaser"? Ma, he's here to help you.
Are you nuts? If it helps.
Well, the trial is set for a month from now, so I'm going to need some character witnesses.
Maybe you should start by interviewing me.
I would make a wonderful witness.
I can't tell you how many times I've been badgered by lawyers.
Well, I could, but it might sound like boasting.
Oh, the stories I could tell you about me.
You're not gonna believe this, but I I shall become a great Southern writer, carrying on the tradition of the other great Southern writers like uh all those that are so famous they need not be mentioned.
Oh, girls, it's gonna be so exciting.
I am gonna make a fortune.
And I won't even have to use my imagination.
My life is a romance novel.
Your life is a sports page.
Listen.
Tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep.
"He grabbed her.
"She could feel his fingers pressing into her moist flesh.
"Her heart was pounding, her loins on fire as he spun her around, her dress ripping open" You know how many times I've experienced that? Your loins have been on fire? Yes.
"She melted into his -" Where exactly are your loins? Rose, it doesn't matter.
Just listen.
"She melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him" I didn't know people had loins.
I've heard of loin of pork, but In her case, the same thing.
Isn't this exciting - taking part in a protest? Standing up as free Americans and exercising our right to say, "We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore.
" I'm out of spit.
Can I go now? and you're ready to quit? We joined the Friends of Sea Mammals for a reason.
You are so unmotivated.
Well, when I joined this Mammals With Blowholes thing I didn't expect to be carrying picket signs on some grungy dock.
I was hoping more for a fund-raiser cocktail party with Chinese lanterns and Portuguese - no, Hispanic waiters in tight black pants.
And we hire a band to play fish songs in pirate suits with muscles bulging.
Your mouth is watering now, Blanche.
Keep licking.
Herb, I'm aware of how important it is to make a good impression in court.
Tell me, what do you think would move the jury more - cleavage or a lot of leg? That depends on what you're going for - a chuckle or a guffaw.
Blanche, I think a conservative ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.
Oh, there'll be music? Ma, where you going? If he puts you three on the stand, up the river.
Ma, what are you doing up? I can't sleep.
I keep trying to think back on that night at Shady Pines.
And? And we're out of toilet paper.
I told you, Dorothy, I can't remember a thing.
Just because your memory is fuzzy doesn't mean that you're guilty.
Doesn't mean I'm innocent, either.
Ma! Let's face it.
I've done some pretty peculiar things in my day.
Of course, I've got an excuse.
I'm an old lady.
I left my mind in the '60s.
Dorothy, have you seen my teeth? They're in your mouth, Ma.
I know that.
Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.
Ma, listen to me.
You got Martha Raye and Madge mixed up again.
Morning, Blanche.
Morning, Ma.
You sleep well? No.
I had that recurring nightmare, the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, "Sorry, this is too sick, even for me.
" Well, now I know why Hemingway killed himself.
Oh, girls, I have writer's block.
It is the worst feeling in the world.
Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
You just sit there, hour after hour after hour.
Tell me about it.
Frisk me.
Oh, Ma, stop that.
What are you doing? Just frisk me.
Frisk me.
It's important practice for me if I'm going to prison.
Ma, you are not going to prison.
Now think back.
Shady Pines.
What was the last thing that you remember before that fire? Meat loaf.
Nine days in a row.
Their only witness is dead.
That ought to work in our favor.
Dorothy, that hot plate was mine.
I made s'mores all the time.
I hated Shady Pines.
I can't remember, but I know I did it.
I must have.
I'm goin' to prison.
Ma won't come out of her room.
She's miserable.
Just to keep me up to speed, Dorothy - it's this negligent arson rap and the prospect of spending the rest of her waning years in jail thing, right? No, it's the "Rose in the kitchen" thing.
I just hate to see Sophia so unhappy.
I wish there was something we could do to make her feel better.
I mean, we're always there when we need each other.
You know, if I have a problem, Rose is there for me, and if Dorothy has a problem, I'm there for her.
I wish I knew what to do.
All right.
All right.
I can pick up a cue.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1912.
A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist.
There's an instant attraction.
They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers.
Shortly afterwards, he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his palette without using his hands.
But I digress.
He paints her portrait, and they make passionate love.
She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body.
She sees the portrait and is insulted - it looks nothing like her - and she storms out of his life forever.
That peasant girl was me and that painter was Pablo Picasso.
Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Be positive, Dorothy.
OK, I'm positive you're lying.
This is terrible.
Trick move from your checkers-by-mail partner? No, it's from the company Charlie worked for.
They've gone bankrupt and so has their pension fund.
I'm not gonna be getting pension checks anymore.
I can't afford to live without that pension.
Let's not panic.
I'm sure they can't just cut you off.
She's right.
There has to be a good explanation.
You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
What if it's not? What if I can't pay my own way? What if I can't afford food? What if I have to sleep outside in some park? There's an old Italian saying for times like this.
Scappa.
Tu si mal fortuna.
What does that mean? Get away from me.
You're bad luck.
OK, that's it.
Drink this.
It's a secret potion from the old country guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it.
Slowly.
That's right, down the hatch.
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
Now, you might feel a slight tingling, but believe me, you'll sleep like a baby.
I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me? Sophia! Oh, I just had a terrible thought.
What if, in some weird way, all this was true and Ma went to jail? Oh, my God.
This is very important, Rose.
It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.
The last time someone said that to me, I had two pigs on my back and I was pushing a wheelbarrow.
Why? To relax and get comfortable.
OK, now, where should I begin? Let's see.
I think the one thing you need to know is that I'm the one around here with the level head, the real voice of reason.
I haven't been this scared since 1952 when St.
Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt.
Luckily there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland.
They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin.
I don't know why I raised my hand.
It must have just been the excitement of the moment.
But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs up the volcano while they gave me my birthday whacks.
Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all, just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.
All creatures must learn to coexist.
Back where I come from, they do.
That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony.
'Course, they can't mate or the mice would explode.
You want me to drive tonight, Dorothy? Oh, Rose, listen.
I'm not going to the meeting tonight.
Oh? How come? I'm not comfortable there.
I'm not comfortable with the people, with the whole thing.
But you need the group support, Dorothy.
It's not a good idea to go it alone.
Did I ever tell you about my cousin Vigdov Frickin? He tried to go it alone in a three-legged race.
Well, you know what happened to him? Please.
Please, Rose! I don't want to hear about your Frickin cousin.
That was very interesting, Rose, but now that I've heard you, I think I'll probably just plead insanity.
You look perfectly sane to me.
High praise indeed.
Pussycat, when I go to trial, will you be a character witness for me, tell them I'm sweet and cute and don't have it in me to harm a fly? What, you want me to perjure myself? Basically.
Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank you for trying to cheer me up, Pussycat.
You're always there for me.
I appreciate that.
We're there for each other.
I don't know of any other mothers and daughters who have gone through half of what we've gone through.
I can't tell you how much it meant to me when you and I Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Who are you? I'm the doctor.
We'll see about that.
Look, Mrs Petrillo.
I'm Dorothy's mother.
I wanna know what's wrong with her.
Don't tell me "nothing," because I know there's something wrong with her.
Mothers know.
Look, Ma, I'll talk to you about it later.
Your daughter is fine, Mrs.
Petrillo.
Tip-top? Tip-top.
Then, Mr.
100% Tip-top, why the hell does she feel like hell? Look, Ma Wait.
I gotta hear this.
It could be functional.
Functional? Mental.
Mental.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
100% Tip-top Mental, my daughter may be no spring chicken and her jaw might crack when she chews and she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables, but one thing she's not is mental.
Thanks, Ma.
OK, girls, I'm ready.
Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs? Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs? Just play the music, Rose.
( "I Got You Babe" by Sonny Bono) They say we're young and we don't know We won't find out until we grow I don't know if all that's true But you got me and, baby, I got you Babe I got you, babe I got you, babe You know, Ma, I guess we do have a good relationship.
It's always been good.
I know we never did some of those mother/daughter things - baking cookies, dressing alike, braiding each other's hair.
Yeah, but wasn't it great making fun of those who did? It sure was.
But come on, Ma.
The truth is, we have done our share of fighting.
Of course we fight.
We're Italian.
We like to fight.
It's our way of showing love.
Though I don't know if there was a lot of love that time that we Hi, Ma.
Gimme your watch.
Sure.
What do you want it for? I'm working on a magic act for the talent show at the center.
Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.
Ma! Relax.
Dorothy, was your card the ace of spades? Ma, what the hell are you talking about? I think I got chapters seven and nine mixed up.
Ohh.
This watch is broken.
Ma, Stan gave me that watch when we got married.
The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch? I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.
Oh, yeah.
Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.
I called Wolfie's at 11.
You weren't there.
Guess who got lucky.
Oh, God! What can I tell you? A couple of egg creams, the bright fluorescent lights and a retired jeweler named Shlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.
Not for me.
I can't tell you some of the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you.
Although none as horrible as what you just described.
Ah, there you are.
Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup.
Ma, you know you have to have a physical.
What do you want me to do - take you to court, have you declared incompetent? I'm not incompetent.
Once when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.
I guess we do have a strange way of showing our affection.
Oh, Ma, I'm glad to see you've cheered up, but why are you walking down memory lane all of a sudden? It's just that I may not see you for a while.
Ma, they can't prove that you started that fire at Shady Pines, and you are not going to jail.
You can't be sure of that, Pussycat, so I'm doing what I have to do.
I'm jumping bail and moving back to Sicily.
Oh, hi, Ma.
How was your nap? Nap? I didn't take a nap.
I'm a nervous wreck.
How could I sleep a wink with this prison thing hanging over my head? Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.
Oh, I guess I did take a nap.
Ma, I don't know why you're nervous.
You are not going to prison.
I feel like I am in prison, with you keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.
Are you gonna keep doing that for the rest of my life? No, only until you give up this ridiculous idea about leaving the country.
I'm not skipping bail.
I'd never make it.
Every cab driver, waitress and skycap between here and Sicily would be only too eager to talk to the police.
Why do you say that? I under-tip.
Look, Ma, I know you're nervous, but Herb is a brilliant lawyer, and, honey, you have the love and support of all of us.
Is there anything I can get you from the kitchen? Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.
How's Sophia? She's over that crazy idea about Sicily, but she's still very concerned about going to jail.
Well, who wouldn't be? It's a terrifying prospect to think about.
Prison.
The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.
Let me guess - St.
Olaf County Jail? And deli.
Look, we have to do everything we can to help Ma.
Now, the three of us have got to put our heads together and try to figure out for certain how that fire got started.
You're so right, Dorothy.
And we can start by ruling out the obvious.
Does Sophia have any friends who are or ever have been circus fire-eaters? No.
Would she like to meet some? Don't you worry.
Now we'll get to the bottom of this.
Lord knows we've worked our way out of tight spots before.
Who was it who got us into that Oh, just a minute, now I remember.
Come on, it's worth a try.
It's either we sing or he sings.
Oh, all right.
Boom Boom Well? Well, what? After my boom comes your boom and then yours, until we're all booming.
How complicated is that herring thing? Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom boom boom boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom boom boom boom Mr.
Sandman, bring me a dream Boom, boom, boom, boom Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Boom, boom, boom, boom Give him two lips like roses and clover Boom, boom, boom, boom Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over (baby cries) Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom Boom Boom, boom, boom, boom Mr.
Sandman Yes? Bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Give him the word that I'm not a rover And tell him that his lonesome nights are over Mr.
Sandman I'm so alone Boy, you guys really stink.
Look, I'm not going out with him.
You go, Blanche.
What?! You like him.
I know you do.
So you go.
Well, I couldn't.
Of course she couldn't.
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
Well, why not? It's all over between us.
He'll know that tonight.
Well, it's impossible.
I'd feel like a I'd feel like a A back-stabbing slut? No.
Then please go, for me.
I'd feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you put it that way But only as a personal favor to you, honey.
Well, I guess I'd better go get dressed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Can you believe that back-stabbing slut? Well, now that we know we can work our way out of jams, exactly how are we gonna work our way out of this one? There's one thing we could do.
We could get something to eat.
Can we concentrate? It seems like all we ever do around here is eat.
Maybe it's all you ever do.
Oh, excuse me.
I forgot about all those other appetites you satisfy before going to the fridge.
My life is more than just sex and food.
I take care of this house.
Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I guess that falls under sex.
And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.
Oh, yeah.
I guess sex and food are a big part of our lives.
In fact, just recently - last summer, or last spring? It's so hard to remember which Why does it have to be so hard? The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls.
I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off.
Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
So you told her? No.
I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
You are kidding, Rose.
No.
That's how my mother taught me.
Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like? It sure did.
Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would have been jealous.
Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it.
What is this hold that Buzz has over you? I know exactly what she's going through.
First love can be very powerful.
I felt the same way about Heyward Boyle, the star pitcher on our high school baseball team.
Oh, an amazing athlete.
That boy had exceptional control.
He was always up for extra innings.
And his delivery.
Oh - All right, Blanche.
Enough! Yeah.
We get it.
So, what was he like in bed? I have to agree with Blanche on this one.
Half the fun is in getting there.
Boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.
Ma, I don't think I want to hear this.
I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think you can handle it now.
We lived in New York.
There was the San Gennaro Festival every year.
Your father - may he rest in peace until I get there - got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we got home.
Oh, Ma.
So he took me - right there behind the sausage and pepper stand.
Hey, we were behind the garbage cans.
It's not like we were in front of everybody.
I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia.
All our children were conceived on special St.
Olaf holidays.
Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Ginella was conceived on Hay Day.
That's the day we St.
Olafians celebrate hay.
Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor? Then there was the Day of the Wheat, when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches.
Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us, and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.
Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is doing is really not so terrible.
Look, among the four of us, each of us conceived our children in a different way.
I was totally unconscious.
When I came to, there was Stan carving a notch in his dashboard.
I never bought that unconscious story.
I swear.
He must have slipped me something.
Apparently.
Those stories made me hungry.
They made me horny.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we call the pizza guy? See, we both win.
(phone rings) Hello? What? Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.
They caught her trying to buy a ticket out of the country.
Can you believe Ma, trying to go to Sicily on my credit card? She would've made it, too, if her chef's knife hadn't shown up on the scanner.
You want to know something crazy? I actually feel responsible for this.
If I'd never checked her into Shady Pines, she never would have made those s'mores, there never would have been a fire, and none of this would have happened.
Hey, when you look at it like that, you are responsible.
Yeah, I never had thought about it that way.
You know, it is like they're trying the wrong person.
It is your fault.
Wait a second, girls.
Can you imagine being the one to put your mother in jail? It was just a theory.
Follow that lady to Guilt City.
Now stop it, now stop it.
Look, nobody is to blame for this.
She's rationalizing.
Instead of pointing fingers, I thought we were gonna try to find a way out of this.
Well, we certainly are in the right place for it.
The kitchen - Crisis Central.
Yeah, we sure have solved a lot of problems in this room.
I mean, a lot.
Dorothy, it wasn't that long ago that you Oh, it's you.
I thought maybe Sophia had come home.
Oh, no.
She'll be back in the morning.
She's trying to teach me a lesson.
I know my mother.
Oh, really? You're the one who said she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.
Dorothy, it's not just your mother who left.
I feel like she's my mother, too.
I know, but don't worry.
She'll be back.
Now that she's gone, who am I gonna go to in the middle of the night with my deepest personal problems? Wait a minute.
You went to my mother's room in the middle of the night? Many, many times.
Two or three times a week.
And she was always so kind and comforting.
I don't understand.
Every time I'd knock on her door late at night, she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas.
" Sophia doesn't have a TV in her room.
I know.
Then, after we finished talking, she'd always give me a piece of hard candy and a kiss good night.
I can't sleep.
And what's worse, I went to Sophia's room for one of our talks and then I remembered she left, thanks to you, Dorothy.
You had late-night talks with my mother? All the time.
And she gave you hard candy? No.
I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.
Why didn't somebody tell me it was dinnertime? Ma, it's not dinner, it's the middle of the night.
Good.
Then I'm dressed for it.
Blanche is upset.
Well, you would be, too, if your daughter - Oh, I can't even say it.
What could have happened? The two of you were getting so close.
My little girl is gonna have a baby by artificial insemination.
I just can't bear to think about it.
I'm just being silly, aren't I? For God's sake, somebody say something.
Ew! Big help.
Dorothy, what about you? You're the sensible one around here, the free modern thinker who keeps up with the times.
Now, what do you think? Ew.
Maybe we should all get some rest and figure a way out for Sophia tomorrow.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too? She is like a mother to us.
I think she'd like that.
Here's the key.
I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.
What, appeal? No, a party, a prison party.
I made a list of all the men we should invite.
We'll be like the judges.
"I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai.
" See, some can be convicts and some can be guards What are you looking at? I just cannot believe how much you think about men.
Well, hey, men are an important part of my life.
Not just my life.
They're an important part of all our lives.
Seems like hardly a day goes by here there's not an incident about some man that we're dating or used to date or want to date.
Pussycat, I'm going out with my friends.
Can you give me some money? What happened to the money I gave you last night? Let's see, 10 bucks went for cover charge, for a round of drinks, and the other 10 went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr.
Big.
I know that guy.
That's just a stage name.
So, Ted, did I hear someone say you were a doctor? He's not just a doctor.
He happens to be one of the top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.
Get out of here.
He's also heavy into real estate.
It's nothing much, really.
I just own a few mini-malls.
Oh, your wife must be very proud of you.
Actually, we're divorced.
Oh, I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Hello, girls.
Dorothy, Rose, you all remember Laszlo.
Of course.
Laszlo, the artist from your museum.
Oh, we really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.
She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Really, Dorothy? Oh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime.
Rose, you're such a kidder.
What is sex, after all? Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other like animals.
You get all sweaty and flushed.
Your hair gets mussed.
You lose your breath.
You lose your earrings.
Your mouth waters.
Your nose runs.
Your heart races.
Your blood races.
Rose? Say it, Ernie.
It's time, Rose.
Check, please! I'm not saying I want her to go to prison.
I'm saying if she goes to prison, we have the theme for the party.
Girls, do I have news for you.
Rose, where have you been? Trying to get hold of the fire inspector who inspected Shady Pines.
I wanted to double-check there wasn't anything wrong with the building.
And? And get this.
They said the inspector quit three days after the Shady Pines fire.
It seems he mysteriously came into some money and moved to an exclusive Palm Beach neighborhood.
Do you know what that means? Rose, of course I know what this means.
Then will you explain it to me? It all sounded suspicious, but I couldn't quite piece it together.
Rose, you nitwit, that means the guy was probably on the take.
Oh, I told you everything would be fine, Ma.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party.
See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy.
Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos What are you looking at? You did a good job, but let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs.
Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong.
I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.
What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor? That would totally discredit her.
Wait a minute.
I just remembered who the friend was.
Can't use it.
Moving on.
If you think of anything else, please give me a call.
I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to three.
There's no one in the place except you and me That's what we were singing that night.
We were having a couple of Nyquil shooters and singing "One For My Baby.
" I remember.
Ma, you do? Yeah.
I heard a smoke alarm, looked up, and saw flames coming out of the heater.
Maria was confused.
I grabbed her and the hot plate and ran out.
It was the heater.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.
You dig up that hot plate, Sophia, we'll go to the D.
A.
I think we've got enough evidence to get these charges dropped.
Ma, I am so proud of you.
Now, honey, if you could just remember where you left the hot plate.
I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.
What's that smell? (alarm beeping) My God.
That's the smoke alarm in Sophia's room.
Oh, no! Oh, yeah.
Anyone for s'mores? Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home? I feel like a free man.
Well, you didn't actually go to jail.
OK, forget the free part.
I feel like a man.
I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying for a thick steak smothered in onions, a tall cold one, then going out and picking up a couple of - Ma.
Can I tell you something, Pussycat? What? I've never been so scared.
Not so much of jail.
It was not being here with all of you.
Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day.
That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway.
All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got.
Am I crying, Pussycat? No, Ma.
I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.
Oh, Ma, I'm just glad everything worked out.
I never want to have to go through that again.
Oh, I knew it would all be OK.
Rose, I think you deserve a lot of the credit.
You were smart enough to double-check on that fire inspector.
Yes.
I'm proud of you, Rose.
Hey, you make it sound like it's the only smart thing I ever did.
I'll have you know I've done a lot of smart things over the years.
Remember?