Desperate Housewives s07e01 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Ten years ago, Carlos' mother died after being hit by a car that Andrew was driving.
Orson packed his bags.
You're not the woman I thought you were.
He's my son.
I have no choice.
And I no longer choose to be your husband.
And Bree decided to come clean.
There's something I need to tell you.
It's the kind of thing that could end our friendship.
A dying nurse made a confession.
The people who run this hospital need to know what I did.
How do you tell parents the child they've been raising isn't really theirs? Financial worries drove Susan to a big decision.
You can't sell your house.
We're not selling.
We're renting.
Which led to the return of a long-lost neighbor.
Truth is, I used to live here.
Well, then I guess everyone will be surprised to see you again.
They absolutely will.
There was a time when my husband and I were very happy.
I remember warm summer afternoons and backyard barbecues and laughter with friends.
Our life was like some kind of suburban dream.
But the day comes when we all must wake up.
For me that day came when a letter arrived.
As threats go, it was concise and to the point.
I did what I had to to protect my family.
My husband found out who wrote the letter.
He let her know how much this upset him.
Her sister figured out what my husband had done.
So she decided to frame him for murder.
Her murder, to be more specific.
And that's when the dream that was Paul Young's life became a nightmare.
Years later, a woman was pulled over for speeding.
The woman had no identification, so she was arrested.
And that is how people learned that Felicia Tilman was very much alive.
I see you got the suit I sent over.
You like it? I like anything that's not orange.
Well, get ready to do all sorts of shopping.
Your settlement check came in.
So where are you going first? After all these years in prison, I bet you're ready to party.
All I want is to go home.
What? To your old neighborhood? You sound surprised.
Well, none of your neighbors supported you during the trial.
They didn't visit while you were here.
No one would blame you if you hated them a little.
Oh, I don't hate them a little.
And so, my husband returned to Wisteria Lane.
The neighbors were surprised to see him.
They hadn't thought about Paul Young in years.
But he had thought about them.
And he was going to make sure they'd never forget him again.
The phone call that comes in the middle of the night.
The letter that arrives by special courier.
The e-mail marked "urgent.
" Yes, there are all sorts of ways bad news can be delivered.
But some news is so bad, it must be delivered in person.
Why do I have to tell them? You said this couple lives in your neighborhood.
Trustees of the hospital feel that makes you uniquely qualified.
And just what am I supposed to say? "Great block party.
"By the way, one of our nurses may have switched your baby at birth.
"Try the dip!" Every minute we wait, this hospital takes on more liability.
Now get on over to Wisteria Lane and tell those people what's going on.
I don't know how I'm gonna do this.
There's only one way to deliver news like this, remain as calm as possible.
Bree, get out here! Damn it! Why is nobody home? Lorna! Gwen! Oh, thank God.
Hi, Karen? What's wrong? Paul Young.
He's back.
What? You heard me! Now don't just stand there! We gotta warn people.
Come on.
Bree, I've never seen you like this.
Are you all right? I have something horrible to tell you and I don't know how to say it.
You better think of something, you're starting to freak me out.
Remember that night when Carlos' mother was run over by a car? Well, I know who did it.
You what? It was Andrew.
Oh, God.
He was only 16.
I was afraid he was gonna go to jail, so Rex and I decided to cover it up.
Oh, this is This is bad.
This is really bad.
I need to go throw up a little.
I am so sorry, and I realize I should have told you sooner.
No! No, no, no.
You shouldn't have told me at all! What? Now I have to tell Carlos and he's going to kill Andrew and then he's going to have to go to prison.
So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree.
Nice work! I just couldn't live with the secret any longer.
And when Orson found out, he told me I was a horrible person.
That's why you told me? Oh, please.
We're all horrible people.
You see this? It's yours.
They delivered it here, I kept it.
Horrible! Just so you know, Orson was so disgusted he's divorcing me! Normally I'd give you a hug, but right now I sort of don't give a crap! Again, very sorry.
God, how am I going to tell Carlos? He is going to be so angry, and he'll probably find a way to blame me.
You'll never guess who's back.
Mom, we don't have any clean plates.
Didn't you run the dishwasher? We're also out of milk.
You gotta go to the store.
And the dry cleaners while you're at it.
Okay, everybody.
Look at your hands! Come on.
Mmm-hmm.
Anyone not holding a baby, you're on your own.
You can wash and shop and clean for yourselves.
My days of being the perfect mom are over.
And when were those days, exactly? It's my uterus that's worn out, not my hearing.
So you're not going to help with anything? 'Cause this place is really starting to go to hell.
Baby number five! An entire basketball team has come out of me.
So I am officially too exhausted to care.
You know, the good moms enjoy doing stuff for their families.
Hello.
That's your brother Preston.
He's about to be beaten.
Yes, he is.
Yes, he is.
Mom, it's Renee Perry.
Hey, Renee! Who's Renee Perry? She's your mom's friend from college.
She's married to Doug Perry, who plays for the Yankees! And she's really rich.
How rich? Every few years Renee flies Mom to New York for a big, fancy weekend.
And Mom always comes back in a great mood.
So this might be perfect timing.
Damn it to hell.
She's coming here! -When? -Tomorrow! Why? I don't know, but that is something we can talk about while we turn this dump into an actual home! Okay, people, move, move, move! Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, you, too, Tom.
I'm holding the baby.
Well, spray her with some glass cleaner and rub her on the windows.
I don't want Renee to know I live like this.
But, Mama, she's your friend, won't she like you no matter how you live? She's not that kind of friend.
You're never going to believe who's back.
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
So, what do you think, buddy? This is where we're gonna live? Yeah.
So, are we poor? If you field this one, I'll tell him where babies come from.
No, honey.
We're not poor.
We're just lower middle-class.
Poor people wish they could live like this.
They shouldn't.
Oh! Sweetie, I know this isn't what we're used to.
Buddy, we're not going to lie to you.
Money is a little tighter than before, but that's why we're here.
So we can save up and get back to our house.
And it's not gonna take that long.
Your daddy's taking on extra jobs, and I'm still teaching.
And I'm going to start selling that really cool jewelry I've been making.
Oh, God.
Sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
And as long as we're together, we can survive this.
-Hello? - Susan.
Hi, Miss McCluskey.
What's up? You'll never believe this.
Paul Young is back.
What? Where is he? Where do you think? He's in the house you rented to him! I didn't know! Lee just told me it was a guy.
You didn't even ask for his name? He paid an advance and he didn't have pets! I didn't care! How is Paul even out of jail? That maniac was serving a life sentence! Hello, ladies.
If you'd like to come in for a while, I'll tell you the story.
Come on, now.
It's a good one.
Felicia Tilman's alive? Why are you so surprised? I said that over and over again at my trial.
Oh, wait.
That's right.
None of you could make it to the courthouse.
-Look, Paul -It's okay.
You were busy.
I get it.
I told myself I'd explain how I was framed when you came to visit me in prison.
Oh, wait We're so sorry.
In our defense, we thought you were a cold-blooded killer.
What you endured over the last No, you can't.
But the good news is, I'm back.
Yeah, about that, um, why did you want to come back here? Why do you think? I missed my friends.
Innocent or not, that guy still gives me the creeps.
I can't believe Paul Young is back on Wisteria Lane.
And he's using my shower.
Jack? You here for your nine iron? Damn, I thought if I shaved, you wouldn't recognize me and I could keep it.
Actually, I need to talk to you and your wife.
Hey, Gabby.
In a minute! You look a little pale, buddy.
Is something wrong? I think we should wait for Gabby.
Jack, what's going on here, man? You're making me nervous.
Let's just go inside, huh? No.
This is impossible.
We still have the bracelet they put around Juanita's ankle in the hospital.
Theresa Pruitt was the nurse in charge of those bracelets and, although the hospital did not know this at the time, she had a drinking problem.
And eight years later you're telling me this? I've spent eight years loving someone else's daughter? Again, I want to stress that the hospital only belatedly Jack, I swear to God, if you go lawyer on me, I will put your head through a wall! So where is our biological God, I don't even know what to call her.
We haven't been able to track the family down yet.
Then we're not telling Gabby.
Not until you find this other girl.
Carlos, I have a legal responsibility here.
-She has to be told.
-Fine.
I'll do it.
But I don't know how.
This is going to destroy her.
Nope, I was wrong.
Preston, switch back with Parker.
Why are we doing this? When Renee pulls up to this house, she's going to see the one thing I can show off.
My beautiful, beautiful family.
What is that, a pimple? Get in the back.
Honey, don't you think you're getting a little carried away? Tom, that woman lives in a penthouse, we had to give up meat so we could buy a laptop.
Let me have this! Is that her? Oh! Of course it is.
Okay, everybody, smile for Mom and her strange and twisted friendship.
Hi! I'm back, Rodolfo.
Please tell Signor Cipriani I always stay at that suite when I visit Venice and if it's not available, I will be very unhappy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone more important I need to speak with.
Hi! Hey, Jose.
Thanks for holding.
Look, I can't do Thursday.
So Jose, she'll call you back.
Lynette, you haven't changed.
Neither have you.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, no.
Please tell me you didn't dump Tom for this handsome, young trophy husband.
It's me, Renee.
I mean, I do work out, like, three times a week, so maybe that's what you're Oh, okay.
-Are these your kids? -Yes.
Yes.
And here is our latest addition.
Aw! She's precious! Look at you all.
What a perfect little suburban picture.
Well, you know, I've been blessed.
Very blessed.
I'm sorry I've got to run, Renee, but I'm late for work.
Work? And I thought you wore that sexy tie just for me.
You like it? They say bolder colors are coming back, so I thought I'd Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you.
Oh! I gotta say, Lynette, this place is adorable.
It's so cozy and intimate and Pay attention, kids.
You're learning a lot of new words for "small.
" Oh, that's not what I meant.
I hate banging around my lonely old barn of a house.
Sometimes weeks go by without me running into a servant.
I'm sure you see them on whipping day.
Lynette, why so mean? I worked on these compliments all the way from the airport.
-Drive slower next time.
-Mom It's all right.
We're just old friends reconnecting.
And I'm being sincere.
This is the way to go.
Stripped down to the bare essentials.
You know, more people should live like this.
Most people do live like this.
When you're flying in your private jet and you look down and go, "Wow, they look like ants down there," we're the ants.
So, you have a private jet? Well, it's not just ours, we share it with the team.
Wait.
So you get to hang out with the Yankees? That's awesome! How is Doug, by the way? Oh, he's fine.
But all that stuff, the team, the jet, the money, it's like a fantasy world.
This is what I yearn for.
This is real.
This is sticky.
So are you staying in a really fancy hotel? Well, I came straight from the airport.
So I haven't booked a hotel yet.
Oh, why don't you stay with us? Oh, I'm sure Renee wouldn't want to I would love to.
Are you sure? 'Cause, you know, five kids, it gets stickier.
Oh, I don't mind.
It'd be fun.
I've got a lot of catching up to do with my old, old friend.
By the way, I have a doctor who can get rid of one of those "olds.
" All right.
Well, I guess I could set you up on the sleeper sofa.
A sleeper sofa? Ooh! Look at me.
I'm one of the ants! Hi, you own the building, right? I'm Susan Delfino.
My husband Mike and I are in 1B.
Jiggle the handle.
The toilet's fine.
No, no, no.
I'm just dropping off the security deposit.
Sorry it's late.
We've been having some money problems.
Have you? Well, I'm Maxine.
Come on in, I'm making some tea.
-Thanks.
-Come on.
That is such a shame about Mike's business.
And here you are, with no skills, trying to make ends meet.
Oh, I have skills.
I make my own jewelry.
I made this.
Can you believe it? I really can.
You know, I remember when my husband Sidney passed away.
His illness took every dime we had.
And I didn't know what I was going to do.
Well, looks like you did okay.
I mean, you own the building.
Well, that's because I stopped pouting, I got off my tuchus, and I started my own business.
And now I'm able to help other struggling women.
You know, they set their own hours, they work from their own homes, and ai-yai-yai, the money! That sounds like a dream job.
I'll bet you'd be real good at it.
Let me show you.
Are there phones involved? I've been told I have an excellent phone voice.
"Hello, can I interest you in a" Oh, my God! It's my Web site! Va-Va-Va-Broom.
com.
I got a 10-unit Mac Pro server farm and a 1.
5 meg T1 line.
You run a porn site? You're trying to lure me into pornography? Oh, my God, did you slip something into my tea? Honey, relax.
This is strictly PG.
Women doing housework in lingerie.
No nudity, no sex.
So, what do you say? What do I say? I say shame.
Shame on you.
These are nice, respectable girls, just like you.
Deidre's going to night school to become a nurse, and Martha's trying to start over after a divorce.
Don't they worry about people they know seeing them? Most of our clients are overseas.
You know, Europe, Asia.
So if you go to Kuala Lumpur, wear a hat.
Come on, you said you had money problems.
Here's what Martha makes in a week.
Hmm.
Whoa! Woe unto Martha for selling her dignity to the highest bidder.
I promise, you won't do anything I wouldn't let my own daughter do! Look for yourself, she's on camera three! What are you looking at? Just some family photos.
That's you the day you were born.
Daddy? Who's that? That's your grandma.
Oh.
I wish I had met her.
You would've loved her.
Do you think about her a lot? Every day.
She was the light of my life.
And that's why we named you after her, because I could not imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it.
Hey! You want me to tuck her in? No, I'll do it.
Come on.
Amy and I want to go to the mall tomorrow.
Sorry, hon, I have plans.
I could ride my bike.
By yourself? I don't think so.
Why not? You're too young.
That's why not.
You're mean.
Well, sometimes I have to be mean, 'cause it's my job to protect you.
What if you got hit by a bus? That's not going to happen.
Well, I can't take that chance.
You are my whole world.
If something happened to you, it would ruin my life.
Do you understand that? Well, that's the last of it.
I'll put these books in the car.
Pleasure meeting you, Bree.
Nice of your physical therapist to help with the move.
So, are you gonna be okay? Let's see, I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking.
I've had better Mondays.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's for the best.
We haven't been happy for a long time.
You know what you need? A project.
No.
That's what I always do.
Distract myself with meaningless busywork as a way of avoiding my emotions.
I think I need to sit quietly and think about what I'm going to do with my life.
Well, whatever you do, I know it will be spectacular.
Goodbye, Bree.
Hi, Bree.
I've been thinking about our conversation last night, and I just wanted to see how you were doing.
I'm fine.
In fact, I took your advice.
I found myself a project.
I'm surprised you agreed to see me.
I wanted to spit in your face.
I didn't realize there'd be glass.
That's right, you're not used to prison.
Give yourself time.
What is it now, two to five years? Eighteen months with good behavior.
You're giving me a lot of reasons to be extremely well-behaved.
Maybe I can give you a few pointers on prison life.
I've become a bit of an expert, thanks to you.
Hey, here's one, it never hurts to tip the guard who does your cavity search.
Listen to me, you son of a bitch, I don't care what I have to do, I will see you behind bars again, or dead.
Whichever is easier.
Here's another pointer, they always record the conversations, so be careful about threatening the man you framed.
You murdered my sister.
That's a crazy, groundless accusation.
I have to go now.
I have things to do, like shopping, and walking around in the open air without a care in the world.
You know you did it.
I did.
Wow.
They're all so big! Exactly.
Thank you.
You're welcome? I knew you guys would get it.
Unlike those idiots that walked by my card table in the park.
It's not jewelry, it's wearable art.
So, who wants to try these earrings? I'm not sure that my delicate ears can support something so large.
How about Gabby? She has big, strong Latino ears.
Lynette, where is this friend of yours? We're all dying to meet her.
Come on, I need a volunteer.
Lynette? Yes! Yes.
How's it feel? About as good as it looks, I'm guessing.
I'll take them.
Yes! What are you guys getting? Yeah, I'm gonna buy this for Bree, and her strong Protestant neck.
You guys are the best.
Oh, hey, here she is! Okay.
Susan, Bree, Gabby, this is my old college roommate, Renee.
Hi! It is so nice to finally meet you.
Lynette has talked so much about her friend from college.
Oh, yes.
You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well, I refused to go along with that.
Renee comes off a little stuck-up when you first meet her.
Which is a real time-saver.
Sit down.
So, Renee, you have to tell us, what was Lynette like in college? Absolutely fearless.
She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumors be damned.
Yes, Renee was always the one with the fashion sense.
Before I met her, I'd never even heard of Gucci or Prada or Chlamydia.
Wow, you guys play rough.
No, it's just what we do.
It's fun.
I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down.
So, Renee, we hear that you're married to Doug Perry? The baseball player? No surprise there.
In our sorority, Renee was voted "Most Likely to Marry Well.
" And Lynette was voted "Most Likely to Succeed.
" So, Bree, I hear you're an amazing cook.
Hang on a second.
What was that? What? That Oh, nothing.
I just didn't wanna make you feel bad.
About what? Well, it's just that I think our college friends would be surprised to see how you ended up.
Oh, I thought they were still playing.
You know, Renee, I have had a career and raised a family.
And that's great.
It's just that we had such high hopes for you.
At least I didn't spend the last Hey, let's stop before somebody gets hurt.
Whatever I got, I got on my own.
And what have you got? A blouse from the "I've Stopped Trying" collection and a pair of earrings your kid made at camp? And somebody got hurt.
That's great.
Easy shots.
You got more money than me.
It's not about the money.
The Lynette I knew never would've settled for this.
You were adventurous.
You backpacked through Croatia.
You jumped on stage at a Springsteen concert.
It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team! Why would she do this? Why would she jump in a private jet and fly all the way across the country just to dump on my life? Two guys, huh? We're not talking about that anymore.
I mean, isn't her life perfect enough? Does she really need to score bonus points by taking me down? So was it one rugby guy and then the other, or just sort of a scrum? Oh, drop it, Tom! You know, I have shielded you from some of the wilder things that I've done.
Like that time at the amusement park, a little story I like to call "D-cups on the teacups.
" Okay, I'm dropping it now.
Thank you.
Why are you getting so upset? I mean, I thought you and Renee love to zing each other.
Those weren't zings! When she made that "Aw," she meant it! I mean, what the hell was that? She doesn't get to be disappointed in my life.
Well, maybe you should tell her how you feel.
Yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
In fact, I am going to tell her a lot more than that.
Good for you.
But when you get back, I'd like to revisit a certain request I made on my 40th birthday, which, in light of recent revelations, seems a lot more Okay.
What's this? Yellow Pages.
"Hotel" is under "H.
" Yeah, I had a feeling I hit a nerve this afternoon.
If you find my life that pathetic, I'm going to spare you the agony of observing it.
And by the way, "taxi" is under "T.
" Lynette, I don't think your life is pathetic.
Maybe not.
But you clearly think yours is a whole lot better.
So if you need me to say it, I'll say it.
You win.
You got the fabulous clothes, the penthouse apartment and the rich husband.
Congratulations.
Doug is leaving me.
I found out he was cheating with his agent's assistant.
I confronted him, told him it was her or me, and he chose her.
I threw some things in a bag and took off.
I didn't have a plan.
I just needed to get out of there.
And I couldn't think of anywhere else to go.
Why didn't you tell me this? What, that my life is about to fall apart? I haven't even admitted it to myself yet.
How could I tell you? Well, of course you can stay here, as long as you want.
Thanks.
And to show my appreciation, I would like to pay for your first face-lift.
That is so generous.
Although, now you've had nine, you probably get the next one free.
Hey, Carlos.
What can I I'll make this quick.
I'm gonna give you two options.
Option one, I sue this hospital for, I don't know, 10, 20 million dollars.
And I think I'll get it.
That would bankrupt us.
Then you're probably gonna wanna go for option two.
Which is? You make this whole thing go away.
Shred the documents, call off the search for the other family.
And never, ever, let Gabby find out about this.
Carlos, we've sent out letters, hired investigators.
I don't know if this process can be stopped.
Try.
And even if it could, this is a hell of a thing you're taking on, keeping this secret by yourself.
What's my choice? If Gabby knew the truth, it would kill her.
No.
I can't tell her.
I can't tell him.
Are you sure? Doesn't he deserve to know what Andrew did to his mother? You have to understand.
Carlos is so happy right now.
Our marriage is the best it's ever been.
He loves his job, the girls are turning out so beautifully.
Except for this one, easily ignorable, blip, our life is perfect.
And I won't let anything change that.
Pork chops for dinner.
I know it was a bit of a splurge, but I made up for it.
One-ply toilet paper.
Is something wrong? The bank turned down my loan application.
Without that money, I can't hire any help.
And without help, it's just gonna be one dinky job after another.
We'll never get out of here like that.
Okay.
Well, we'll scrimp and save.
I won't buy pork chops anymore.
I'm gonna return these.
I'm thinking about taking a job in Alaska.
What? A buddy told me about it.
Six months on an oil rig, one year at the most.
I can make triple what I can earn here.
You can probably move back in the house before I'm even done.
Mike, that is really dangerous work.
MJ needs you here.
I need you here.
No, there's gotta be another way.
You think I want to go? We don't have any good options here.
Give me a month before you make a decision.
I've just got a feeling that this jewelry thing of mine could start pulling in some serious money.
Sweetheart, you're talented, but "serious money"? You'd be surprised what some people are willing to pay for.
No nudity, no sex.
And no one can ever know.
I am so glad I can help.
So what did you remove this with, a puma? I was anxious to get rid of it.
My soon-to-be ex-husband picked out most of the decor, and I realized I needed a fresh start.
You know, wallpaper is nice, but it's a little Well, it's your house, not mine.
No, Keith, please.
I hired you.
I want to hear your ideas.
I would suggest that you paint this room something, you know, bold.
Oh, I like the sound of that.
Perhaps a nice deep beige? Or bolder.
I mean, with the size of this room and the light, you could go scarlet red.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to be serving dinner in this room, not sailors.
Could you excuse me for a moment? I'll be right back.
Here you go.
The final division of assets.
Just need a Jill Hancock from you, and we're all set.
Before I forget, Andrew's having a dinner party on the 10th and he'd love for you to come.
Even though we're separating, we both want you to feel that you're still part of the family.
I'm touched.
Thank you, Bree.
Orson, don't we have plans? The wine tasting? Uh Why don't you wait for me in the van? As you may have gleaned, my relationship with Judy has evolved.
Was it evolving while you and I were still together? No, no, of course not.
Apparently she had feelings for me, but she waited a respectable amount of time before expressing them.
It's been a week! You know the expression, "The ink's not even dry"? It's not dry! We have separated, Bree.
And the two of us spent so many years being miserable, I just think at our age, we can't let an opportunity for happiness pass us by.
Forget the red.
I've got something here called "moonstruck yellow" that will kick your dining room's ass.
Come on.
I promise you'll love this.
With your red hair, you will look so hot in this room.
But, you know, whatever you want.
Clearly, you have other options.
Maybe I do.
There's my favorite realtor.
Thanks for coming over.
How are you? A bit of a pariah, thanks to you.
Don't tell me the neighbors are blaming you for my return.
Of course they are.
You know, when you told me that you didn't have any pets, you could have mentioned that it's because they don't allow them in prison! Now, now.
Be nice.
I'm about to throw some more business your way.
Oh? I hear that my old house is back in the market.
I'd like to buy it.
Because of all the wonderful memories? Just find out what they're asking.
Okay.
But you just signed a one-year lease on this place, and you're buying a house across the street? That doesn't sound like a very good plan.
Oh, believe me.
I've had 10 years to work on this plan.
It's a good one.
Bad news travels quickly, and when it arrives, we have to find a way to deal with it.
If our husbands tell us they've moved on, we look for projects to distract us.
If the bills start to stack up, we find ways to earn extra cash.
If we're told a secret too terrible to share, we learn to keep it to ourselves.
But we must remember, the bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise.
That the guy you were talking about? The one that killed your sister? It certainly is.
He looks like a killer.
It's a shame they let him out.
As it turns out, it's all for the best.
Paul can now receive the punishment he's entitled to.
What do you mean? Just between us girls, Paul Young will be dead within six months.
How are you going to make that happen? You're in here at least two years.
True.
But you see, Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street.
I do.