House, M.D. s07e01 Episode Script

Damn it.
I waited too long.
Please, come on, do something.
Come on, do something! Do something! Couldn't have saved her.
It's your choice if you want to go back on drugs.
You think I can fix myself? I just need to know if you and I can work.
Let me see.
It's okay.
It's gonna get infected.
Hey, you're not gonna You are.
Don't Don't It's okay.
I love you.
So now what? Everything's good.
We don't have to talk through it all.
No, I meant it literally.
Now what? I can make breakfast, we could go bowling We can stay here.
I have to go home, get dressed.
Go to work.
So that's it? I'm hoping this is the beginning of "it.
" Yeah.
Mmm.
Your assistant's new.
It's a 50-50 chance he just can't find the light switch.
Hello? Dr.
Cuddy? No, this is Dr.
Cuddy's nanny.
She's feeling a little under the weather now, so she won't be coming in today.
Oh, I hope she's all right.
Would you mind asking her if No, can't do that, I'm afraid.
She's locked in the bathroom.
Terrible bug going around.
What's the problem? Well, I'm sorry to disturb her, but it's Dr.
Richardson.
He must have the same stomach flu.
He threw up in the OR, and I'm not sure how she'd want me to handle Hold on a second.
I've talked to Dr.
Cuddy, and she would like you to do three things.
One, send him home, two, sterilize the OR, three, use your own brain.
See ya.
It was about puke.
That's what's so important.
Puke.
Well, I guess I don't have to rush back in.
But whatever "now what" we do decide on, it comes after you take a bath.
Here's one.
Twenty-five-year-old man with numbness and tingling in his legs and a speech disorder, three Anybody see House? It's 10:00 a.
m.
I'd be worried if he was here.
Twenty-five-year-old He was in pretty bad shape yesterday, after his patient died.
House has lost patients before.
We all have.
He's a big boy.
You didn't see him.
Best thing we can do for him now is find him a new puzzle to solve.
Thus bringing us back to my 25-year-old Yet you're the only person here without a potential case in front of you.
- I haven't found the right one yet.
- Oh.
I thought maybe it was because you were asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
- I didn't say anything.
- He didn't.
I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally I steamed it open.
What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Which is why I just ripped it.
You gonna tell us where you're going? It sure sounds like a "no.
" There's glass everywhere.
Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle? I was in a mood.
I'll be right back.
Don't get that.
It could be important.
This is important.
Right now, we are more important than what's going on at the hospital.
So, I say we turn off our phones and give the morning to us.
Okay.
I'll go turn it off.
Thank you.
You're distracted.
I'm not.
You are.
You turned off your phone, but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? "What emergency will bring down the entire hospital, "'cause I decided to take the morning off.
" I'm sorry.
The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state, Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th HR complaint, and Richardson's threatening to quit, because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
Richardson? The neurosurgeon.
He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times or else the hospital technically isn't a level-one trauma center.
Which means? I'd have to shut down the ER, transfer all the patients out of the ICU Okay, stop.
Turn around.
Why? Because you need to relax.
Where are we going? I am going to make you a magical bath.
It'll have bubbles and Eastern spices, and blue diamonds, green clovers, transformative powers.
But I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.
Hello? Interesting factoid.
Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies? Yeah.
You got a note from Thirteen So how come we don't have, like, five neurosurgeons? Well, we had three, but Kapur retired, and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.
I got good news.
For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.
I'm not a neurosurgeon.
Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
House, it's a hospital.
The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.
If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert him to the nearest hospital.
All you got to do is stand around and keep the ER open.
This is an administrative problem, not a medical one.
House, where the hell are you? Great.
Glad you're on it.
All systems go! Why are you going to Rome? I found the flight information in your locker.
I love how everyone thinks it's so quaint and childlike of me to expect a modicum of privacy around here.
Your flight's tomorrow.
What's so urgent in Rome? I hear they wanna tear down the Colosseum to build a karaoke bar.
The Buona Speranza Medical Center in Rome is doing a Huntington's trial.
Seriously, I live to sing.
I know that they've been doing fetal neural transplantation.
I also know that their subjects have increased risk of intracranial hemorrhage.
This isn't the time to join their trial.
This research is in its infancy.
So is your condition.
You read my note, you go through my locker, and then you decide you wanna round it off by lecturing me on my life choices? I'm worried about you.
Oh, well, that makes it all right, then.
So what exactly is this? It's soapy, open and casual, and fun if you want.
Open? You think I want to see other people? Well, last night was emotional for you.
We both lost that patient, we watched people die.
I came back here, and I went for the Vicodin, and you dumped your fiancé, and you came here.
Which I don't regret.
I'm not saying you do.
I'm just saying it was an impulsive move.
Don't do this.
Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just let it be nice? You're right.
That was very anti-secret-bath.
House? Yeah? The secret bath is burning my lady parts.
How do you think my anus feels? Burning means it's working.
Can we get out now? I was so waiting for you to say that.
Could I speak to Dr.
Jankowski? No.
I don't need to disturb him in Bermuda.
Everything okay? Dr.
Cuddy's phone keeps going directly to voice mail, and I need to get a neurosurgeon to replace Dr.
Richardson for the day or else she's screwed and I'm a neurosurgeon.
No, you're not.
I've cut into people's heads more often than You did a residency in neurosurgery at the University of Melbourne but you were never board-certified.
You've worked here two days, how Dr.
Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know everything about Dr.
House's team.
And not to believe anything any of them told me.
I am not a neurosurgeon.
- And voilà! - The first course.
I have flaked some tender young ears of corn with a side of assorted exotic breakfast meats in a chili sauce reduction.
And the second course? A single grape.
To cleanse the palate.
Which is kind of a waste, 'cause there's no third course.
I'm glad we stayed in.
This is actually pretty good.
I can always tell when you lie.
I mean, always.
I slept with my freshman roommate.
A lie.
A truth.
You have a tell.
What is it? First admit that you were lying.
Fine.
I was lying.
My sexual history is boring and predictable.
What is my tell? Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, and I won't be able to tell.
Well, then you have to tell me something I don't already know about you.
Even though technically you didn't tell me something that I didn't already know about you.
Quit being so damn logical and just tell me.
I used to have an intimate relationship with a photograph of you.
Well, actually, a sock and a photograph.
I know.
I was lying.
The photo you took of me as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween.
Why else would you take that picture? I have to pee.
Ha! You can't tell, 'cause I actually have to poo.
What? Cuddy's assistant decided to "use his own brain.
" Who put that idiot idea into his head? Perhaps you could follow the same advice.
He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises.
Said he legally had to.
Which he legally had to.
Sounds like you got the situation under control.
No, I don't.
You know I don't.
When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our ER.
This can't be fixed.
It is what it is, House.
Great.
I've got every faith in your ability to solve the problem.
I have called every neurosurgeon within a 45-mile radius.
Nothing.
Do you think House is just testing us? He's always testing us.
Test or not, it's a problem.
It's not our problem.
Why the hell is it House's problem? Where the hell is Cuddy? We either report this and half the hospital gets shut down, or we cover it up and run the risk that the entire hospital gets shut down.
Or we get Richardson.
He's sick.
And we're doctors.
We get people better.
Fing, fong, fooey? Can I open them yet? Just a second.
Okay.
Hold out your hand.
Oh! I've always wanted to open a bottle of champagne with one of these things.
You might want to stand behind me for this.
Okay.
Oh! Yeah.
Mmm, I think I might have got that slightly wrong.
Well, good thing I got a case.
- House! Open up.
- We need to talk.
We should just let him in.
No.
House! If we just ignore him, he'll go away.
House! I think he finally left.
But just in case he hasn't, what can we do that does not involve talking? You turned on my ringer? - I know you're in there.
- I can hear your cell phone ringing.
Just let him in.
No.
He's like a stray.
He'll eat everything, shed all over the place and crap on the floor.
Hi, this is Gregory House.
I can't take your call at the moment, please leave a message.
If this is Wilson, I'm fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last patient, so feel free to go about your day without worry.
Beep! House, you can't just not show up to work.
What's Cuddy gonna say? If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off.
And tomorrow.
Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today.
I'm fine.
Now go away.
Beep! If you're not in tomorrow, I'll be back.
Look, you're the only neurosurgeon we've got.
You have to suck it up and go back to the hospital.
We're not asking you to operate.
Just to be there.
Unless you can transport this toilet with me, I'm not leaving the room.
I'll get a bucket.
You're missing the point.
I ate bad sushi, I'm sick.
Go away.
We can give you promethazine for the nausea.
Already took it.
And trimethobenzamide.
Maybe this isn't food poisoning.
Whatever it is, it must have damaged the lining of his stomach.
Till that heals, nothing's gonna work.
So we need to treat both that and the nausea.
And whatever's wrong with him.
We give him ondansetron and prostaglandins.
And whatever's wrong with him.
Neither of those will treat any possible underlying condition.
Who cares? He's not our patient, the hospital is.
I can hear you.
You're pretty miserable, aren't you? Would you be willing to take a fairly risky drug if it would make it all go away? Why didn't you let him in? You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool, so was I.
You were hiding me from him.
Why? I wasn't hiding you.
I was protecting your privacy.
I wasn't sure if you were ready to go public with the whole "us" thing yet.
Why would I be doing all this if I wanted to be private? I never even asked.
Maybe you're not ready yet.
You read the list of side effects on those drugs? We could crash his BP.
I haven't heard a thump, so I assume he's still quietly puking.
We could be making him worse.
Bigger picture, we're making the hospital better.
We can test for whatever you wanna test him for once he's stable enough to get back to the hospital.
Now stop being a girl and move.
So, you gonna ask me about this Huntington's trial? And by "ask," I mean, "Give me your opinion.
" No.
There is one thing, though.
Will you have sex with me? What? Well, this trial means you're leaving right away.
I was playing a long game.
Deadlines have been moved up.
Wow.
That stuff is good.
Think you can make it back to the hospital? Uh-huh.
That lamp is shiny.
I mean, the way it shines is shiny.
I take it this is one of the side effects of the drugs.
Who cares? Let's go.
What are you doing? You think I'm afraid to go public? I want to prove you wrong.
With a tripod? With a sex tape.
We'll send it to Wilson.
It's a win-win.
We get to do it again, and he might actually learn something.
It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
It's probably nothing.
Stay here.
Hey.
Stuck? Bummer.
Looks painful.
Chamomile or English Breakfast? Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here? You didn't get my message earlier? Yeah, but someone once told me everybody lies.
I'm fine.
Just staying home, chillaxing.
Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door.
I don't think you're fine.
I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
Or I'm ignoring you for a different reason.
Sex with my girlfriend.
Hmm.
Will you please just Please let me in.
Thank you.
And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends? She's not a hooker.
What Really? Begins with "C," ends with "Uddy.
" How many Vicodin have you taken? I'm serious.
Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I.
There's an "l" in "Cuddy.
" House, it's okay.
Almost all addicts relapse a few times.
She's in my bedroom.
You're hallucinating, House.
Honeybuns, we got company! Pupils are normal, pulse is normal.
Better than that, they're both totally awesome.
I'm not on drugs.
So, why did you lie about Cuddy? To make a point.
Probably something to do with shutting you up.
That's my go-to idea.
You do seem okay.
You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watching monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better.
No, you go.
House, you could have died.
You had a patient who did die, in your arms.
You shouldn't be alone.
I know.
That's why I called a hooker.
Now go away, you'll be extra.
Are you really okay? Are you gonna break in again? You checked my pulse, you checked my pupils, I'll mail you the urine sample.
How come I've never even met you guys? You're like the greatest guys.
You know fluorescent lights flicker at the same frequency as the human brain? You know the human brain doesn't flicker? It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he can't perform brain surgery.
What's wrong with him? High blood sugar.
He'll be fine as soon as we rehydrate him.
That's a relief.
Thank God.
All right, the DPH guy will be here in 20 minutes.
What is wrong with him? High blood sugar.
You just said so.
Chase is running labs.
Right now, the top two contenders are hepatitis and peptic ulcer disease.
So, is today really your last day? Flying out tomorrow.
How long a leave are you taking? Depends.
On the drug trial.
Sounds risky.
Yada yada, you don't think I should do it.
Message heard.
No, I approve.
Living fast and dying young is crap.
If you have a chance to get better, I say good for you.
I brought Wilson in here specifically to go public.
Just like you requested.
I pressured you.
Wilson coming through the window pressured you.
If you're forced into this, it's not gonna work.
Do you have any response to that? Game on.
Is he better? Yep.
You're lying to me again, aren't you? Yep.
Then we're screwed.
Don't we have to tell Oh.
Damn.
Dr.
Richardson's prepping for surgery.
Yeah, I need to talk to him.
He's prepping for surgery.
So you said.
I just need to confirm he is who you say he is, and that he's a licensed neurosurgeon.
Well, here's his paperwork.
His hospital ID is right there.
You can see it's him.
Yeah, I should still talk to him.
They've already scrubbed, he'd have to be re-sterilized, the patient's anesthesia would have to be adjusted.
Why did you report he wasn't here? I must have misunderstood.
Why is it so hot in there? La de da.
Woodstock, baby.
Is he stoned? No, we're pretty sure he's got Oh, I'm sure you have an explanation, but I don't care.
See, you need to have a doctor on the premises who can actually do neurosurgery.
Tell the attending to divert all ambulances away.
And start calling other hospitals to see who can take your stabilized ICU patients.
Those departments are shutting down.
"Design" for five points.
Got it.
"Hear.
" Got it.
Both versions.
"Love.
" You didn't see "love"? Wow.
I didn't think you'd take my lack of board game skills so personally.
Why didn't you tell me you loved me? Didn't a wise woman once say, and by once I mean, two hours ago, "Why do you have to analyze everything to death? "Why can't this just be nice?" I told you I loved you.
You didn't tell me you loved me back.
You don't think that should give me cause for concern? No.
Because words don't matter.
Actions matter.
You're really gonna take a stand here? You can't say it? No.
Why? Because I forgot to grab a "V.
" "Lobe" gets you one point.
One.
Labs show he's negative for everything.
I'm guessing at least one of them is wrong.
Who cares? The ER and the ICU are half empty, the place is crawling with suits, it's over.
You do know we still have a sick patient here, right? He's the guy sitting right behind you taking off his clothes again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't you just sit down and take it easy? He should be coming down by now.
And yet I'm not.
What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom? Thank you.
What causes delirium and nausea? He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days.
Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental Not exactly stuck.
I snuck out.
Freedom is my birthright.
Where did you go? The seafood festival at the convention center.
We're screwed.
The seafood festival has stuff from all around the world, in combinations nobody ever thought of.
We could be here all year.
You had shrimp? And crab? Lobster? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And? I ate whatever looked good.
Did you eat any roe? Little tiny eggs? Nummy.
Toad eggs will cause nausea, and they can get you high.
If I'm right, the antidote is fast-acting.
If we can get him to keep his clothes on long enough, he can pass as a functioning neurosurgeon.
Um France.
And not Paris or the Riviera.
But there's this place in Normandy.
It's on a tidal island.
Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in.
You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself.
It's called Mont-Saint-Michel.
That's it.
Have you been there? Nope.
But I got a pretty good idea what it looks like.
How did you know? You used to have a picture of it as a screensaver.
And that was years ago.
I guess it's a memorable place.
Now unfortunately, we can't fly straight to Normandy, but the layover in London is only a couple hours.
What are you talking about? It's all there.
All you got to do is click "confirm," and we'll be eating croissants and being insulted by stinky people this time tomorrow.
Don't worry.
I used Wilson's credit card.
I can't.
I'm kidding.
I used your credit card.
House The hospital does not need your body.
I do.
So does my daughter.
Well, she can come, too.
Or to Grandmother's house she can go.
This is crazy.
So, you can break off your engagement, but you won't adjust your schedule.
I can't.
Not tomorrow.
But two weekends from now.
If Rachel's gonna stay with my mom, I'm gonna need a little bit of prep time.
Okay.
What if it doesn't work? What if I stay this way forever? The antidote works quickly.
If we're right, you should be back to your old self in no time.
My old self was boring.
Can't we keep the new self? Just lay down and stop unbuttoning.
I'm sorry that I read your note and looked in your locker.
You get used to that kind of thing around here.
Do you have anyone going with you to Rome? Is that your passive-aggressive way of asking me if I'm seeing somebody else? I hope you are.
I mean, I hope you have someone with you.
If I'm scared about this, I can't imagine how you must feel.
You shouldn't be alone.
If you want, I could fly over for a few days.
Friends.
I appreciate that, but I think I'll be okay.
I guess we took the long way round to being friends, huh? I guess we all did.
Thank you for everything.
You're welcome for everything.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I really do have to leave.
I know.
Then what's the problem? This isn't gonna work.
That's it? You can't just say that and shut up.
It's a statement of fact.
It's not a debatable proposition.
Right.
Because you can see the future? No.
But I can see the past.
And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done.
And you'll try to convince yourself that I've changed, but then I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed.
Then you'll realize that I am an insane choice for someone who has a kid.
And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this was a mistake.
Tell me any of that isn't true.
Mercy doesn't have enough room in their ICU to handle the overflow, so Don't worry about it.
I believe you wanted to talk to Dr.
Richardson, our neurosurgeon.
I'm sorry that we met under such trying circumstances.
I hope you'll restore our rating as a level-one trauma center and re-open the ER and the ICU immediately.
An accidental case of poisoning.
Dr.
Richardson has been treated and is ready to resume work.
Touch your nose with your index finger and tell me how you'd treat a cerebral contusion.
I would watch for edema and transtentorial herniation.
Good enough.
Turn it around.
You're gonna be up late.
Next time, avoid responsibility.
Cake? Taub thought we should have a little party to see you off properly.
He gets sentimental about these things.
I never should have flashed him.
Speaking of which, earlier today I asked you about having sex.
You gave me a look that almost certainly could only mean no.
However, on the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't follow up and confirm.
See? That's the same look.
So if it didn't mean "no" the first time, then No.
No, no, no.
No pressure.
Does that method ever work? At least once.
I'm getting mixed signals.
I'll see you at the cake.
The only time you're afraid is when you're happy.
You just don't expect it to last.
Because it doesn't.
You don't know that.
I've done horrible things to you.
I will do horrible things again.
To you.
But because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change.
Tell me where I'm wrong.
I don't want you to change.
I know you're screwed up.
I know you are always gonna be screwed up.
But you're the most incredible man I've ever known.
And you are always gonna be the most incredible man I have ever known.
So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.
I love you.
Where's Thirteen? I don't think she's coming.
What's going on? She's not going to Rome.
You mean she changed her mind I called the hospital in Rome to see when she was scheduled for surgery.
Why would you It doesn't matter.
The point is she's not even in the trial.
Never heard of her.
She's been lying to us all day.
Well, have you tried Both her phone lines have been disconnected.
She's just gone.
It's gonna be great.
Yeah.