Roseanne s07e01 Episode Script

What did the doctor say? Let's not talk about it right now.
Oh, my God! It's cancer! You're 44 years old and you have cancer.
It's not cancer.
It's just a little cyst in my armpit.
It's-It's like a big pimple.
You're 44, and you have a pimple! It's gonna be all right.
I just have to rub cream on it every day right after I- prepare the area.
Prepare the area how? What are you gonna do? You're not gonna start washin', are you? I have to shave off all the hair under my arms.
Oh, honey, it's your very first Lady Shaver.
Pretty soon, you'll start gettin' monthly visits from your friend.
Cut it out.
Bad enough I gotta shave under my arms like a woman.
Well, you know, they say it is best to live as a woman first before you have the operation.
Cut it out! I don't want you tellin' anybody about this.
Some things are best left between a husband and a wife.
Well, great.
Which one do you want to be? Hey, kids! Dinner! Isn't D.
J.
eating? No.
He's staying over at a friend's house, and I like him to be good and hungry when he's gettin' free food.
Mom, Mark is really sick.
When are we gonna get the upstairs bathroom fixed so he doesn't have to come down here? As soon as we finish the guitar-shaped swimming pool.
Man, this thing I got is the worst.
Feel like I'm gonna die.
Wouldn't you just be more comfortable sitting on my plate? Mom, I gotta start school tomorrow, and I really need my rest.
Is it all right if Mark stays on the couch tonight? No! I don't want anybody sick in there.
That couch smells bad enough already.
Where's he gonna go? Well, D.
J.
's gone, so we'll take David out of his room and put Mark in there, and then move David to the couch.
Done.
Wait.
What does the couch smell like? The family.
Where's dinner? We're hungry.
Ours is on our plates, but you told me you were eatin' over at, uh that kid's house.
No, Mom, I told you yesterday.
Ralph is staying over here.
Well, I'm sorry, Ralph, but you can't stay here.
You'll have to tell your parents that Mr.
Conner's on a bender.
He can't do that! His parents are out of town! And you promised I could have friends sleep over.
Well, I didn't mean it.
I thought you were just bluffin' when you said you had a friend.
Mrs.
Conner, Ralph and D.
J.
can take the couch.
I'll just move down in the basement with Darlene.
Oh, yeah, and why don't you just bang on the ceiling if you have trouble unfastening her bra? Cool.
I thought she'd say no.
She did.
Why don't we just stick Mark in the basement, and Darlene can sleep with me? Oh, forget it.
I can't sleep with the sound of air whistling through her head.
Mark's gotta go somewhere, and he can't sleep with me.
Okay, let's try this one more time.
Um, Ralph and D.
J.
in the basement.
You on the couch.
And you boys can be in D.
J.
's room.
Wait.
Why do I get stuck with Mark? I can't afford to get sick.
God, everyone's so afraid I'm gonna make 'em sick, no one'll come near me? I feel like a leopard.
No.
Mark.
I'm sorry.
You didn't mean to get sick.
Everyone refusing to get near you isn't fair.
You mean that? Yeah, I do.
I'll share a room with you.
I'm not afraid.
Wow.
It's really touching you'd say a thing like that.
It's really good to have a brother.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, honey, turn off the light.
No! I wanna see.
Nothin' to see.
Just skin.
Turn off the light.
Oh, come on, Dan, a lot of guys don't have hair under their arms.
Like who?! Well, like, weightlifters shave all theirs off so their muscles show.
Oh, yeah? 'Course, they also lift weights.
Well, I would, but with the loss of my armpit hair went my superstrength.
Oh, come on, let me see.
What are you so embarrassed about? You can always just comb the hair from your chest over.
Well, I learned one new thing- no aftershave next time.
Well, you only had one cyst.
Why did you shave both of 'em? Well one arm just seems so unbalanced.
Well, I think it's kinda sexy.
Now I see why you get so excited when I shave my legs every month.
Really? Yeah.
Gee, I don't think I've been this turned on since you clipped your nose hairs.
Oh, you know, I shaved a special spot for you.
Ew, gross! No, no, no.
Higher.
Higher.
Oh! Dan, you have two eyebrows again! Want some razor burn? No! All that skin scares me.
Let's wait an hour till it grows back.
my weakness- animal noises.
Well, uh here I am- David-in the only working bathroom, right next-door.
Great.
Mark gave it to David.
Now he's gonna be in there pukin' all night.
Oh, yeah, say that again real slow.
I'm gettin' hot! Well, thank goodness I'm not sick like Mark.
I'll just do my business quickly and then skedaddle.
Cut it out.
I cannot do it with David in there.
This bed squeaks.
Let's do it on the floor.
You know, Dan, that always sounds like a lot more fun than it actually is.
Come on, baby, let's see if we can make that floor squeak in China.
Hey! You shoulda locked the door! It's broken.
Just hurry up, okay? I gotta pee worse than you.
How could you possibly know that? Hey, in one minute, nobody's peein'! Good work, baby.
Come on down here where the cedar chest used to be.
It's still fluffy.
I can't do it with two people in the next room.
Since when does a crowd bother you? We did it at the Grateful Dead concert.
That was nearly two years ago, Dan.
I think we've grown up a little since then.
Fine.
We gotta face it.
There's just too many people in this house.
Now, we've done our job.
We deserve a little peace and quiet.
I want Mark and Becky to move out.
Well, I want 'em to bring back that show Card Sharks, but it ain't gonna happen.
Look, Mark's got a good job.
I know he's been savin' his money.
I'm sure they can afford a decent place to live.
Why? You're his boss, and you never lived noplace decent.
It's time that they moved out on their own.
They'll never leave unless we push 'em.
Now, you know I'm right.
Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle.
Fair enough.
We won't visit 'em.
So? They're gone.
So? So wanna rub the magic spot again? I don't feel so good.
I think I got Mark's flu or somethin'.
Great.
Shaved my armpits for nothin'.
Unless Cool.
Ohh! Ohh ohh What? What is it? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I was on the baby.
No.
Fred.
The baby's right here.
Oh.
This is crazy.
With the baby in here, I haven't had one decent night's sleep since he was born.
Fine.
Well, we'll just put him up for adoption, then, because Lord knows you need your sleep.
Hey, I got an idea.
You know that room with all the purple dinosaurs on the wall? Why don't we put the baby in there? No.
No, Fred.
I read somewhere that sleeping together bonds the family.
Yeah? Well, I read somewhere people read too much.
Come here.
Come to Daddy.
Yeah.
You remember me? Mommy let me hold you in the delivery room.
What are you doing with the baby? Where are you taking him? Where are you taking the baby? What are you doing with him? Where are you taking the baby? I put the baby in his crib.
We can listen to him on the baby monitor.
How could you be so mean? Listen to him.
Listen to him! My God, he's smothering! Jackie.
Jackie! He's fine.
Now, this is your problem.
It's not his.
I'm puttin' my foot down.
The baby is no longer sleeping in our bed.
Fine.
You don't want the baby in here, you don't want me in here, either.
Jackie! There, there, baby, it's okay.
Someday, your real daddy will come home from the sea.
Hi.
Hey.
Fred and I had a huge fight this morning, so I brought the baby over here to teach Fred a lesson.
Jackie, don't you know anything? If you want to make the man suffer, you stay, you don't leave.
So can we sleep here tonight? Well not in the house, but we are settin' up a little shanty town on the sun porch.
Rosie! Roseanne, please.
I don't have anywhere else to go! We'll talk about it in a minute.
But I must warn you, Dan doesn't allow anyone to move in here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.
What do you want?! I'm sick! When do we get to kick out Becky and Mark? Huh? When? When? When? When? When? When? When? Well, did you clean your room and play nice with the other mechanics? All right, go ahead.
Mark? Becky? Would you please come down here for a moment? * Ahh * * I feel good * * Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo * * Like I knew that I would * Hey, stop celebrating.
I'm gonna miss one of 'em.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry about makin' you sick, Mrs.
Conner.
Oh, that's not your fault, Mark.
Becky never should've married you.
So.
What did you want? Nothin', really.
We were just wonderin' whatever happened to that plan you two had to find some other place to live.
It wasn't really a plan.
It was more like a long-range dream.
Well, congratulations, kids, your dreams are about to come true! Well, we were kinda hopin' to wait until we could afford a two bedroom.
Why? You need someplace to store your book? Mom Dad We're tryin' to have a baby.
Do you really mean it? Mm-hmm.
Roseanne, we need to discuss this in private before it goes any further.
Yeah, just a sec.
You know you can stay here as long as you need to.
Roseanne, this in no way changes what we talked about.
This changes everything.
How? How does it change everything? Well, you used to be right, and now you're wrong.
D.
J.
, your mother and I need to talk in private.
I can't leave.
I'm about to beat my record.
Leave, or you're grounded! I don't care! We ground him twice a week, Dan.
That's how he got so good.
Come on.
I don't want to argue in front of the kids.
Why? They've seen you lose before.
Look, I want Mark and Becky out, but I don't want everybody to think that I'm the jerk.
But, Dan, you are the jerk.
You know, I'm so focused on my artwork here that I can't hear a thing anyone's sayin', so Well, Dan wants Becky and Mark to move out.
Come on.
Come on, Roseanne! Damn.
This kid has got a strong jaw.
Where the hell can we talk in private? Well, Dan, there's always the cone of silence.
Now they can't move out because Becky's gonna have a baby and she needs her mother.
She's not even pregnant yet.
Yeah, but she will be.
Mark doesn't have anything else to do.
He's already bored with his hot wheels.
We've talked about this, Roseanne.
We don't even have a place to fight anymore.
Why is Jackie's makeup bag in here? Uh oh, yeah.
Well I was gonna tell you about that, you know, when the time was right or never.
Jackie's stayin' here, too?! Hey, look, we don't want you guys to fight about us leaving.
We weren't fightin' about that! We were fightin' about- this towel! It's a comb cotton blend! I make a good livin'! Can't we use a wool towel once in a while?! Ooh! Hey, what's goin' on? Darlene, we're tryin' to have a private conversation.
Do you mind? Fine.
I just came to return your Lady Shaver.
My Lady Shaver? That's ridiculous.
What would I be doin' with a woman's razor? Well, Becky said it was to shave your pits.
How the hell did you know about that? Know about what? About Dad shavin' his pits.
Would you stop tellin' people that? Yeah, 'cause it's not true.
It's, uh, it isn't, is it, Dad? Dad, how old do I have to be before I get to start shaving my armpits? You shave your armpits? Yes, I do! For medical reasons! Well, that's why you shave the right one, but tell 'em why you shave the left.
This is exactly what I was talkin' about.
After 22 years, I deserve a little damn privacy! Excuse me.
I was just wonderin' how long you're all gonna be.
That's it! I'm goin' to Fred's! And you don't use a guy's Lady Shaver without askin' him.
Have to keep his head at a 45-degree angle so you can keep the blood going to the brain.
Support his little bottom, Becky, with the other hand.
No, with the other ha- No.
She-Okay.
Uh, stand-Just bounce him up and down a little bit.
Just-Ni-Not real- not-not real fast.
Just a little baby.
Not mixin' a martini.
Oh, you're squishing his leg now.
Okay, here we go, baby.
Ohh back to Mommy.
Okay, Mommy's got you.
It's okay.
You're all right.
How's your little leg? He's okay.
All right.
Isn't it fun to hold him? Can I hold him? No.
He doesn't want to be held right now.
But I'm not sick anymore.
Well, good.
Then why don't you just take Becky upstairs and do what we're payin' you to do.
Has Dad come back yet? Oh, no.
He's sure he's right, and when he gets like that, it takes him even longer to apologize.
I know it's real tough on everybody.
We're really glad you're letting us stay.
Well, Becky, you're young, and you still need me.
Your father, however, is 44 years old, and it's high time he got outta this house.
Thanks, Mom.
Cleanup time.
What are you doin' now? You have to keep turning him so he has a nice-shaped head.
Well, if his head gets all misshapen, you can always sand it down.
No, don't-don't.
What's your problem? Don't want your germs getting on the baby.
Jackie, kids get germs.
That's what they do.
They fall off their bike, and they get all bruised, and they cut their tongue lickin' a cactus.
Maybe that's just D.
J.
'Scuse me for trying to protect my child.
Well, you're not protecting your child.
You're overprotecting your child, and it's screwing up your marriage.
I had him in the bed! Why are you taking Fred's side? I always take the side of the one that doesn't want to squish the baby.
Right, yeah, like look, you never had your kids sleep in the bed with you.
Well, only our oldest-Billy.
Baby needs me.
You know, Jackie, your kids grow up, and they just fly the nest, and then all you got left is your husband.
You must learn to let go.
Well, my baby is six months old.
What's your excuse? What? Look around.
Kids are all still living here at the house with their husbands and their boyfriends and me.
Wonder what Dan thinks about that.
But, gee I don't see him anywhere! Well, it's a wonder you can see anything over you kid's big misshapen head! Hear that, Fred? What? Nothin'.
Absolutely nothin'.
Boy, that's great.
Yeah, it's great how men can be together and not have to talk.
I mean, women always feel the need to be sayin' somethin'.
Fred, I can't hear the nothin' anymore.
Sorry.
Maybe I oughta move in here.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, two mature men in one quaint house.
People will talk.
People hear you say "quaint," and they'll talk.
Dan, you've been here for a day and a half now.
Isn't it about time you told me why? I had to get out.
Man needs his space.
Man without space isn't much of a man, is he? A man needs room to stretch.
Ohh! I hear you.
Hi.
Boy, don't you ever knock? Fred, I came back to apologize.
Really? I'm really sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, too.
I was being obsessed about the baby.
No, I was bein' insensitive.
I love you, Fred.
I love you, too.
Okay, Jackie.
Now go home.
I was just thinkin' that he- he doesn't have to be in the same bed with us, but can't he at least be in the same room? Of course he can be in the room with us.
He should be with us for a while.
Wimp! Oh, and, Dan, um, about what happened in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry everybody found out- No, Jackie.
No, no, no.
You don't have to apologize.
I think I do.
No, Jackie.
You really don't.
Dan, I'm sorry that I invaded your privacy, and that's all I'm gonna say.
Ah.
Well thank you.
Thank you very much.
Very sensitive of you.
Just leave you two guys alone.
Okay.
Jackie you're okay.
What? Shaves his armpits.
Hi, honey.
Looks like I'm too late.
You've remarried.
Mmm, and you made some of that French onion dip.
Still feelin' sick? No.
I feel better.
But before I take you back, we have to discuss this Becky and Mark thing.
Look, I'm sorry I wanted them out of here so bad.
It's just I've wanted to be alone with you for so long, I guess I forgot we're gettin' buried next to each other.
So you're okay with them guys stayin' here? Lookin' forward to it.
I kicked them out.
Praise the Lord! Mmhh! It felt so good, I almost kicked D.
J.
out, too.
I know it must've been hard for you.
No, actually, it wasn't hard at all, Dan.
Um, you know, I just blamed it all on you.
That's what I'm here for.
But there is one thing, though.
Um I gave 'em till May.
Why till May? I'm not sick.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant! Wow! Dan, are you comin' to bed?! Pregnant.
Pregnant? Dan, I'm worried.
Are you sure you're okay with this? Pregnant! I mean, pregnant Okay, Dan.
We're headin' out for the baby's first birthday party.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay with this? Pregnant? How did that happen?