Rules of Engagement s07e01 Episode Script

Hey, Russell.
Have you seen Adam? Adam, uh, six feet tall, brown hair, lives with a chick who's w-w-way too hot for him? All right, even your compliments are creepy.
All right, he's with Timmy, and they're with a client for the rest of the afternoon.
Ugh.
So coming down here was a complete waste of time.
Well, now, not necessarily.
What are you talking about? Well, you seem tense, and, uh I think I have just the thing to relax you.
Yeah, you wish.
No, you do.
- Aah! - Aah! Aah! What happened? Did you have a bad dream? No.
I had the worst dream.
I was having sex with Russell.
Oh, wow Wow, honey, t-that's awful.
Good night.
Hidey-ho, Jeffrey.
Should have gone peephole.
Uh Yeah, Audrey's, uh, not here, so Well, here's the dealio.
Uh, the Bertmans are moving back, so I had to find a new sublet.
Oh, well, we'll sure miss having you living directly above us, tap-dancing at all hours of the night and such.
Well, the problem is there's a one-week gap between the Bertmans moving back and my new place being ready.
So I guess what I'm asking you, Jeffrey, is Can you help me with my gap? Look, having you live with us would be a real treat.
Unfortunately, the guest room is, uh, piled high with baby furniture, and, uh Plus, uh, there's all that asbestos.
The economy.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Oh, I was just asking Jeff if I could bunk with you guys for the week, but he told me about the baby furniture in the guest room, so That stuff's not getting delivered till next month.
Odd.
Uh, what about that delivery that I got yesterday? You mean the pizza you ordered and ate in the bathtub? We would be happy to have you stay with us, Liz.
Oh, roomies! It'll be just like three's company.
come and knock on our door we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his Meow meow meow meow meow did you not get that I was signaling you? Yes, I did manage to crack your sophisticated code.
Then why are you letting Liz stay with us? She's a disaster.
She's got no boundaries.
What about all her disgusting cats? I'm sure she'll put them in a kennel.
She should put herself in a kennel.
Jeff, she's our friend.
And she needs help, so we help.
It's called "being a person.
" ba ba ba ba boo I'm tap-dancing too I'm singing and tapping together Dee dee dee dee dee do there we are, sir.
It appears your work here is done.
Unless, of course, you wish to join me in, uh, breaking in the table.
It's possible he made an incorrect assumption.
Whoa.
Sweet table, yo.
- What's it doing here? - Ah, Mr.
Rhodes.
Well, when Sullivan retired, there was a disagreement between Mr.
dunbar and myself about what to do with his office.
What did Russell want to do with it? He wanted to cover the floor with mattresses and call it "the boneyard.
" Well, he is the boss.
Still, I convinced him a ping-pong table could help bring people together.
Hmm.
Sounds like that "boneyard" idea might work too.
We'll keep that as a backup, sir.
- Look at this, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Look at this Tournament-grade surface, reinforced aluminum apron.
Nice.
Ah, Mr.
Rhodes, you play ping-pong.
Well, Tim, if you consider winning the after-school enrichment program for kids whose parents couldn't pick them up by 3:00 ping-pong championship "playing," then, yeah, I play.
Oh.
Not to boast, but, uh, I've been known to stroke the balls a bit in my day.
Why would I say it like that? I mean, really.
So what do you say, huh? What do you say, Tim? Should we get our pong on? - Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, cool.
A ping-pong table.
Yeah, sorry, guys, but Timmy and I are about to About to play, so Perhaps we could all play doubles.
Now hold on.
What pong championships have you won? Um, none.
Oh, man, I can't do this.
He's gonna bring down my game.
Mr.
Rhodes, remember this is about camaraderie.
- Hey, I'm Fred.
I work up in - No names.
Just grab a blade, and let's do this.
Hey, Aud, you almost ready, or should I make myself a drink? - I'll just be another sec.
- Okay.
Past experience doesn't make me question that at all.
Well, I finally got all my stuff unloaded.
I am one sweaty dog.
Woof.
I'm gonna have that drink.
Look at you, Mr.
sharp-dressed man.
I was all hot, but now I'm bothered.
Aud.
Oh, Jeff, I was also thinking about our morning bathroom schedule.
Ugh.
Uh, I need to book the commode from 8:00 to 8:30.
Oh, and I have prescription toilet paper, so I think we need to keep our rolls separate.
I don't know what is going on with my plumbing.
Oh, no, no.
Jeff, Jeff, don't pour a drink.
Come on, you're gonna make us late.
Me? I-I've been Forget it.
Actually, Audrey, Jeff's been ready for a while.
He's been waiting for you.
Well, I was in I had to change m All right.
All right.
It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
It's your fault, and you're sorry? Yes.
I will try to be better about managing my time.
Come on, let's go.
Audrey actually said it was her fault.
You heard that.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Here's your rice pudding, sir.
Yummy.
Oh, did you go through it? Yes, I removed all the rice as you requested.
You know what? They're just too pointy.
Timmy.
Timmy, we've got a match coming up.
We aren't you wearing the outfit that I bought you? I'd rather not, Mr.
Rhodes.
Hmm.
What if your boss ordered you to? Would he wear the exact same outfit as you? Yep.
Ordered.
Oh.
Hey.
You will never guess what happened last night.
Hmm.
You know, I'm sorry, but I really have to focus on my pudding right now.
Jen had a sex dream about you.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you to speak very slowly.
Start from the beginning, and remember no detail is unimportant.
I can't.
I can't.
I got to go stretch.
Stretching can wait, sir! I mean, Adam, buddy Don't you think you owe it to Jen to find out the meaning of this dream? As Freud so eloquently put, "dreams are the guardians of sleep.
" Hmm.
Now, was I riding her like a bull in a rodeo? I-I don't know.
I just know she woke up screaming.
Screaming in ecstasy.
Yes! Dream Russell knows what the ladies like.
- Hi.
- Hey, honey.
Ugh.
Hey, could you, uh, take these papers down to the recycling in the basement, please? I was gonna have a beer.
Yeah, it'll just take a second.
Audrey, your fella just had a long day at work.
How about a little "how do you do" before you give him the old "honey do"? Fine.
I'll take them.
I work too, you know.
You go, girl.
So, you actually like having Liz live with you? Like it? Last night was the best night of my life.
Oh, Jeff, that stuff is terrible for you.
I thought we agreed to eat healthier.
If you want Jeff to eat better, you're gonna have to cook more and complain less.
Oh, we really need a new dining-room set.
We don't need one.
You want one.
Come on, Jeff, I want to watch the amazing race.
Hey, it's not his fault the game went into extra innings.
Dude I know we joke around a lot, but seriously, congratulations.
Yeah, yeah.
No.
Yeah, you deserve it.
You deserve it.
That's not all.
Uh, Liz got Audrey to say, and I quote, "I'm sorry.
" At first, the words didn't register.
I hadn't heard them in over 15 years.
You sure it wasn't a dream Like the one where I boned this dude's fiancee? Come on.
Who knew there could be a benefit to Liz? You know, it's really too bad that you guys need a third person.
Jen and I just work things out together.
Oh, so you both decided that she would bang Russell in her dreams.
Oh-ho-ho.
Oh.
All right, match point.
Oh! Oh, yeah! I hope you losers enjoy the taste of losing.
Losers! - Let's get out of here.
- Oh, "let's get out of here.
" Fine, you know what? Skedaddle.
Get out of here Stinking up the joint.
Right this way, milady.
Oh, come on.
Who put a ping-pong table in the boneyard? All right.
Who's next? Huh? Well, um It seems that nobody else wants to play.
- Oh, well.
- Mr.
Rhodes Have we let our competitiveness get the better of us? I only know one speed, Timmy, okay? Supersonic.
Perhaps we should go offer them an apology.
All right, maybe you're right.
Hey, when did we get a ping-pong table? Oh, it's like that, is it? Let's go.
Okay, this will be fun.
Chivalry dictates that the ladies serve first.
Oh! How's that feel, four-eyes? Huh? Or should I say three-eyes? Peace! All right, don't slip on your tears.
Next! Good morning, sweet Jennifer.
Ugh.
What are you doing here? You tell me.
This is your dream.
Ooh-ooh-ooh! I can't believe Adam told you about that.
I know a way you can Get back at him.
Ugh.
Fine.
Let's do this.
Seriously? Seriously.
Aah! I have to get Russell out of my head.
Adam, we have to have sex right now.
No.
Sorry, hon.
Look, I got to rest up for pong tomorrow.
No.
It wasn't a question.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking.
I shouldn't have forced you to let Liz move in here.
What? What's that? I was wrong.
It's like angels singing.
If you want, you can ask her to go to a hotel.
No, you were right.
Friends help friends.
It's called being a person.
You taught me that.
Okay, let's cut the crap.
The only reason you like Liz staying here is 'cause she's always taking your side.
Is she? I hadn't noticed.
I mean, I had noticed that she's a very levelheaded gal, crusader of truth and justice.
Oh, come on.
I'm turning off this light, so I don't have to look at that giant muggy smile.
Yeah, but even in the dark You know it's there.
Ow! It's still there.
Really, you you don't need to apologize.
I know.
I just I tried to tell her "no sex," she would listening.
Yes, as you told me last night, when you texted me from atop your fiancee.
Huh.
That's curious.
What do you guys want? What do you think we want, huh? To wipe the court with you, ass-face.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
You guys are banned.
We just wanted to have some fun during our lunch hour, but you had to start bullying everyone.
Yeah, because I only know one speed, guy Super Sonic.
Actually, this might be a good thing, Mr.
Rhodes.
I mean, listen to them in there.
The table was supposed to bring people together, and it appears it has.
It's brought them together in their hatred of us.
Then you're welcome.
I mean, if I hadn't been so dominant, people wouldn't have hated us so much.
Well, it was clearly my skill that carried our team and, thus, led to the extraordinary level of hatred.
Oh, really? Oh, I'm glad you think so.
I don't think it.
I know it.
We hate you both equally.
- Well, there you have it.
- We make a good team.
Hey, by the way, you owe me $300 for the outfit.
Ugh.
Daddy's home.
Ew.
What stinks? Hi, honey.
How was your day? What the hell's going on here? Well, last night you made some excellent points.
By not letting Liz keep her cats here, I was not being a good friend.
Strong move.
Ah, there's the hombre de la casa.
Thanks for letting my brood stay here.
Their time in the kennel really threw off their potty habits, but don't worry They're getting closer to the litter box every time.
Oh, no Cotton, don't you make a liar out of me.
Oh, that's okay, right, Jeff? Liz, did Audrey tell you how we're visiting her parents for a week, after we had already agreed on just a long weekend? Audrey, you can't make changes like that without looping your hubby in.
Good point.
Tell Jeff your unfortunate gynecologist story.
Well, jeffery, as you may or may not know, I have a tilted cervix.
Needless to say, you can't use a regular speculum.
You don't say.
When I ask Audrey for sex, a lot of times she turns me down.
Go.
Audrey, you need to have your hormones checked if you're turning down this stud.
Will do.
Tell Jeff your cat's visit to the vet story.
Oh.
Well normally, anal sacs are emptied by rectal pressure when the cat defecates.
Now, in the case of pickles, you have to do it manually.
And this is not unmessy or odorless.
Audrey buys tons of crap we don't need.
It seems like if you don't need it, that's a waste Oh, ingrown toenail Show him! My pedicurist turned me down.
All right, that's enough! You know what? You know what this is all about? You can't stand being told you're wrong.
Oh, and you have never seen a situation that you haven't tried to exploit.
I see an opportunity.
I seize it.
It's human nature.
Oh, what do you know about being human? Oh, stop it! Just stop it! I can't stand all this arguing in front of the kids.
Come on, children, let's retreat to our safe zone.
All-time low? No, not even close.
Okay, we can't keep fighting like this.
In a few days, Liz will be gone.
We still have to live together.
That's true.
Yeah, I guess I chose to win a few battles instead of thinking about the war.
Our marriage being the war? Obviously.
So do we have a truce? Truce.
Okay, pickles, this is just gonna hurt a little bit.
Do you have a lot of towels? Hey, is dream Russell still sleep-banging your lady? No, no, I think that's over.
Sorry, buddy.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I don't want to be in Jen's dreams anymore.
I actually have my sights set on someone else.
Oh, yeah? Anyone I know? As a matter of fact, yes.
Aah! You gave me the dream!